Finals came and finished, and Gretchen was nervous as the day came to take the journey to Indiana.
They were taking a public shuttle, and Gretchen would have no chance to see Kathryn's parents before they arrived.
Kathryn had informed her that Phoebe would be home this time, but that Gretchen could have her grandmother's old bedroom, which they had turned into a guest room years before.
The Janeways have owned that farm for generations.
The ancestral home I never wanted to see. Why am I visiting it again?
Because I have to know. I have to face it.
Gretchen sighed, as she sat down in the shuttle. She admitted to herself that she was afraid. She clenched her hands in her lap.
All this time. All these rejections.
My grandfather is an Admiral. He made my mother who she is….in so many ways. He formed the part that rejected me.
And my grandmother is married to him, she must have approved.
Am I walking into the lion's den?
She glanced sideways at Kathryn next to her.
And who will Kathryn be with her family around?
Will she care about me at all?
The journey took about three hours, during which Kathryn chatted about the farm and Indiana, and all the things they could do. Gretchen barely heard her, as her mind continued to race.
Finally the shuttle dropped them off in a very grassy clearing, and Admiral Janeway appeared coming over a hill. He was hugging Kathryn a moment later as she ran to meet him.
Gretchen lagged behind them and as she saw Kathryn, her young face turned up, the feeling returned again.
Sadness.
Kathryn loves him very much.
He'll be dead soon.
The part of her who always wanted to fix everything for her mother balked.
The part that recognized her own sadness in the situation spiraled into misery.
What do you do when the people you love are not coming back?
Is it better to go on?
Is it possible to heal?
To escape Hell?
What do you do when what you want most is impossible?
Edward and Kathryn were saying something to each other that Gretchen couldn't quite hear. She was slowly trekking up the hill, but the wind was very loud.
Why did my mother get back up? After she lost her father and fiancé? After her world was destroyed? Why did she get back up?
Why is she so strong, and even happy?
Is it right to go on like that?
As Gretchen finally reached them, Kathryn stepped back and introduced her again. The commanding man greeted her with a firm handshake.
This is my grandfather.
Edward Janeway.
The man who made my mother who she is now.
And whose loss will make her who she is in my time.
"Let's go to the house," he said authoritatively, and the three of them marched up the rest of the hill.
Gretchen soon saw a two-story wooden farm house.
As they approached a yellow animal sped suddenly towards Kathryn. Gretchen startled, unsure what was happening, as Kathryn knelt down, put her hands on it, and cooed.
"Seamus!" said Kathryn happily.
The furry animal then bounded in Gretchen's direction. Gretchen moved over, trying to avoid it. It followed, bumping into her, as Gretchen twisted away.
"Seamus!" said a woman's voice firmly. An older woman with graying auburn hair snapped at the dog, "That's rude Seamus. She's a visitor, and clearly does not appreciate your affection. Gretchen grew up in a clean, orderly starship, and you are a loud mess of chaos."
The dog went to sit by the woman, tongue lolling out, it barked once and was promptly shushed.
"Katie, it's wonderful to have you home. Gretchen, it's so nice to meet you," said Mrs. Gretchen Janeway, coming forward, and hugging them both. She smelled like violets.
My grandmother.
"It'll be interesting to have two Gretchens around the house for the next couple of weeks," said Edward as his wife apologized for Seamus' bad manners.
"It isn't a very common name anymore," said the older Gretchen, "Did your parents pick it for any special reason?"
"I was named after my grandmother," answered Gretchen. Not exactly true, she corrected herself in thought.
"Gretchen is a common name in my family," continued Kathryn's mother, "Maybe we're related somewhere back there. My family is from Ireland."
"So is mine," said Gretchen, smiling, but feeling very awkward.
"Let me show you your room," said Kathryn, interrupting the moment and escorting her away, for which Gretchen was grateful.
The guest bedroom was large, and Gretchen had it all to herself. It had light wood paneling, and a very intricate quilt which looked handmade. Kathryn encouraged her to put her bag on one of the chairs, and to make herself at home.
"It's very nice," said Gretchen, a bit mystified to actually be staying at her mother's house. She looked around, seeing pictures on the wall, which must be her mother's family. The one right by the bed was of an elderly couple. Gretchen was not sure, but she thought it must be Kathryn's grandparents on her father's side. She remembered that this had been Kathryn's grandmother's room.
"Do you remember your grandmother?" asked Gretchen suddenly.
"Yes," answered Kathryn, "My grandfather died when I was six, but her I remember well. She outlived him by about a decade, although she spent the last four in a medical facility in Bloomington."
"Of course most grandparents live longer than that now, but they were pretty old when they had my father, and my parents were relatively old when they had me," said Kathryn, smiling as if a bit scandalized by their late reproduction.
"How did your parents meet?" asked Gretchen.
"She was 26, and he was 24," said Kathryn, sitting on the bed as the conversation continued, voice fond, "It was love at first sight. She had a masters in plant genetics but choose not to go into the official field, and instead she was working at this tiny little greenhouse and cafe in Ireland."
Kathryn smiled wider, "He came in one day, this tall handsome man wearing a Starfleet uniform. And the rest is history,"
"She doesn't sound very ambitious," said Gretchen.
"It's probably better she wasn't," said Kathryn in amusement, "It's hard to have two ambitious parents. My father was already on command track, and eventually, as you know, came to be an admiral. His career took him all over the galaxy. My mother was home to raise us."
"My father was very involved when he could be," continued Kathryn nostalgically, "But he never could have done it alone, or with someone else with a career like his."
"Aren't you ashamed she's not Starfleet, or even a real scientist?" asked Gretchen evenly.
Kathryn turned to her and blinked for a long moment. Gretchen realized then that she had said something rude, but continued to look for a reaction.
"No," said Kathryn gently, still blinking, "My mother's whip smart, and wise to boot. I've never thought about being ashamed of her."
"As I said, there never would have been a me if it hadn't been for her," repeated Kathryn in confusion, "Why on Earth would I be ashamed of her?"
There was a short moment between them as Kathryn looked her in the eyes intently.
"Both your parents were Starfleet officers weren't they?" asked Kathryn quietly, "And they raised you in space? I would think that would be hard," she said softly, continuing to look her in the eyes, "But I'm sure you're proud of them."
"I'm sorry I insulted your mother," said Gretchen, looking away, "I didn't mean to."
Kathryn shook her head fervently, "No insult taken," she said smiling, "If everyone you've ever known is Starfleet, it would definitely be shocking to find someone who wasn't."
"Wait until you meet Phoebe," said Kathryn laughing and standing up dramatically, "The least Starfleet person to ever be born into a Starfleet family."
"How did your father take it when she told him?" asked Gretchen.
"When she told him she was going to art college, rather than the Academy?" asked Kathryn in amusement, "He laughed and said congratulations on being accepted. Phoebe's always been like that."
That does not….sound like Admiral Janeway.
"We're just a normal family," said Kathryn laughing, "I mean….." she said scratching her head suddenly, as if she had said the rude thing now, "I realize you haven't met many Earth families…..but we're just people."
She smiled, and Gretchen thought again, that she had never seen her mother so happy.
"You'll like my mother," said Kathryn confidently, and then she suddenly winced, "Well eventually, I'm sure. She can take a little getting used to. A very strong personality. Runs in the family," said Kathryn, smiling again.
"We're going to grill out tonight," said Kathryn, gesturing to the door, "Do you want to go for a walk on the farm until then?"
"Okay," said Gretchen, still struggling to take everything in.