Chapter 43: Choices made

Why?

It was a word that kept circling in Izaya's head every now and then. It was simple. Sometimes a good natured question.

Looking at the sun in the morning he might ask himself why it decided to wake him up early.

Why his legs were still not healed up from their last mission. It were innocent questions. Questions that only brought a very soft lingering bitter aftertaste.

And then there were the real questions.

Those that caused his nights to become restless.

Why was Shiki so keen to get rid of him? Why did he have to fight every second of his life in so many senses just to live?

Those were the questions that had haunted him, but that he had come to terms with. He could deal with them. Their aftermath, their bitter taste.

And then there was the third set of questions.

Those that hurt without being asked or answered.

Why?

Why was Shizuo doing this?

Soft strands of hair brushed against Izaya's neck and he swallowed hard as he tried to resist the urge to just mimic the very same. His hand twitched with the irresistible intention to cling to that shirt, those shoulders- his lips twitched with words that he couldn't dare say out loud and his eyes trailed to a far corner in the room to try and escape this reality that was going to force itself onto him.

Why?

Why couldn't he just give in? Why was it that the closer Shizuo got the harder it was for Izaya to speak?

"Keeping you from leaving." Shizuo answered and Izaya barely remembered that he had asked the blond's intentions. A trick question. As if he didn't know.

Warmth sept from the blond in the places their bodies touched and Izaya swallowed.

There was no need to point out how intimate this action was. They were both aware of the tension and the bond they shared.

Captain and subordinate…. how long had it been since that boundary shattered? Was there a specific timing?

Thinking shortly about the time Izaya kissed the blond after talking about volcanoes came to mind, but no. That wasn't the moment. This wasn't something that had been triggered in a momentary scene- this had somehow slowly but surely crept its way into Izaya's life.

He felt good with the blond around. Light. At peace.

"Look, I get it" Shizuo whispered softly, and the weight on Izaya's mind only grew heavier. "I get that they might use you against me but-" Hesitation marked Shizuo's words and with a bitter frown he backed off Izaya's shoulder.

"What am I saying? it's like I'm asking you to expose yourself for danger," and then he was gone, the warmth, the touches to his body.

As if an icy raft had opened between them Izaya felt the need to scream. To yell at the blond to not leave, not leave him alone in this pit of darkness he had thrown himself in. But he couldn't, because this was for the best.

"Maybe it's really for the better," Shizuo suddenly whispered and Izaya's lips unwillingly curled into a bitter smile as their thoughts unwillingly aligned.

Yeah.

It was.

"Ah damn it," Shizuo cursed, "But-" Eyes filled so deep with love, with desire, with pure intention and genuine pain directed at Izaya's.

"Fuck, how can you say things like this so easily?"

Izaya choked. The question hurt more than what Shiki had done in years.

Easily-

Easy?

No.

Easy, hah-

Is that what Shizuo thought it was?

To leave him?

To end this whatever it was before it began?

"What about your words when I left? Where is your regret?" Shizuo continued, and Izaya felt his throat clench more with each syllable spoken. "If you don't care at all then why did you even-"

It was stupid. The action really was. Izaya didn't know what got into him- but something about those words set his mind into a short circuit.

Before he knew it despair had taken the upper hand and his hand had reached for Shizuo's collar.

Quick, fast and entirely unexpected Shizuo suddenly found himself blessed with a kiss. Lips met lips, eyes glazed at each other and for a moment there was just them.

Just Izaya and Shizuo and nothing else in the universe.

Pulling the raven closer in the spur of the moment one event triggered the next and before Izaya knew it he found his back crashing into the door. A tongue was invading his mouth, Shizuo's thigh had slipped in between Izaya's and his brows dipped into a pleasured frown.

More-

He wanted more-

More of the touch, the friction- but most importantly, more of Shizuo.

Of his mind, of his personality, his words, his actions.

Feeling a lump form in the back of his throat Izaya broke the kiss and Shizuo stopped albeit reluctantly.

Izaya's palm circled to Shizuo's shoulders, his neck and curled at the back of his head as his eyes closed.

Soft as if afraid to break something Izaya's forehead touched Shizuo's and his eyes closed.

"Listen. Just for once," Izaya started slowly, finally having found the power to speak again. "I don't want to get rid of you," bitterness defined his voice, "Far from it actually, the opposite would be the truth." A soft chuckle drowned in sadness bubbled from his throat as his eyes opened to meet Shizuo's gaze.

He looked ready. Ready to kill whatever it was that troubled Izaya-

Izaya had learned to love that gaze. Had learned to look forward to feeling it on his body. And yet, it was exactly this gaze that didn't allow for them to continue.

"But I absolutely hate the thought of someone twisting you through my existence and that's exactly what will happen if they keep seeing us hanging around together." Izaya explained, and the devastation lingering in his voice was too potent to not notice.

He didn't want this.

To end this.

Shizuo was as much aware of that fact as Izaya himself was and his eyes dipped into anger.

Be it this kiss, the one back at Shinra's party, the moment in Izaya's room- or just their simple talks, out under the star filled sky- Shizuo wanted the flea more than anything. In any sense literally possible.

And yet he was telling him they couldn't even spend a shred of time together anymore? With an expression like this?

"I don't care." The words came as much unexpected as the pain they brought.

The hold on Izaya's hips grew tighter and that care in reflecting in Shizuo's honey colored eyes only grew. "If staying apart caused you to make that kind of expression then fuck it all, really." A hand reached up to cup Izaya's face and Izaya's expression grew desperate. "You have suffered enough, I'm not going to add to it."

Why?

Why did Shizuo make this so hard? Did he not understand? No he did.

And yet- He refused to see the truth of his actions. Of what childish response this had been.

"Shizuo-" Izaya tried, but was quickly shut up with a kiss. Soft and gentle it temporarily washed away Izaya's sense of reason. Warmth was shared, hands roamed, groins met and before Izaya knew it he heard his mouth betray him with a slight gasping moan.

He wanted Shizuo- he wanted him so bad.

He was everywhere, on his mind, on his body. Before Izaya knew it Shizuo had hoisted him up from the ground.

An effortless plea dropped from Izaya's lips as he fought for reason. "Shizuo we can't. I think-" and suddenly there were lips at his neck, at his ear, softly blowing past its rim and Izaya's words drowned in a shudder.

Shizuo leant back, his eyes met Izaya's-

"Stop thinking."

How tempting.

Shizuo might as well have been a demon in his former life. A damn good one, baiting more souls than the devil himself in an annual report.

But facts were facts.

The stab wound to Izaya's shoulder finally provided its worth as it shot a soft tinge down Izaya's body. Shizuo hadn't hurt him or anything, it was just the movement that had aggravated it enough to recall the reason Izaya wanted to end this.

The reason being exactly the same as the one that called for Shizuo's touch.

He couldn't.

Not if he wanted Shizuo to live.

Eyes cast aside he avoided meeting Shizuo's once more. He would be swayed- one more glance and he might as well have changed his mind, and he was heavily aware of that.

Quick and fluid as a cat choosing a tiny box as its perfect sleeping place he slipped from Shizuo's grasp.

Feet met the ground, and hand were brushed off his body as he slipped away.

"Izaya-" Shizuo called, but Izaya's hand was already on the door knob, his composure shifted.

His head hung low, and their eyes didn't meet as his last words reached Shizuo's.

"Please, don't follow me."

And the door slipped shut.

Shizuo was alone.

Izaya had left.

And the tone in his voice so close to breaking somehow bolted Shizuo to the ground.

Izaya was still there in fact. Just in the corridor, unknown to Shizuo. His heart was thumping like crazy, his thoughts nothing more but a jumbled mess as he let his back thud into the closed door.

A fist met it from inside out in a sudden burst of frustration and Izaya felt his own lips mimic the emotion. Izaya had made his decision.

"Sorry, Shizu-chan."

And it was for Shizuo to live, and if that meant a life without him, then so be it.

to be continued~

Yooo~ This chapter ended up on a little bit of a shorter side, but that actually is intended, because next chapter will have…. quite the plot shift xDDD Would have been weird to start it here and just leave off when things get serious xDDD

Well, with that being said, it's 7 chapters left to go until the end~ C: See you next Saturday~! xD