Chapter 44: Smile

Sunrays forced their way down onto the training grounds. Dust and heat collected around the blond as he strolled down the area.

It was late morning.

A day off.

Saturday if he guessed correctly.

Shizuo had always been the type to forget the current day of the week, not to mention the date. He couldn't really care less, but right now he was glad he was alone at least.

There were no members of the survey corps, no superiors, no titans. Just him and a vast amount of fresh air and peace.

A tree didn't grow far from his location and his feet carried him over without really thinking about it.

He had looked for him. For Izaya.

Izaya had asked him to leave, had slipped away and Shizuo couldn't bring himself to disturb a decision he had made with such conviction.

And yet- …

Groaning softly, Shizuo let his head thud against the stem of the tree.

he had sat down in front of it. Cross legged. A single flower, white with yellow pollen sitting in the middle had forced its way forth from the tree's roots.

Rocking back and forth it moved in the light breeze that combed through the area.

… what was he supposed to do?

Cut all ties? He was the captain of the survey corps as of now. Izaya was one of his subordinates.

It wasn't like he was never going to see him again.

Was he going to ignore his orders?

Stopping short in his thoughts Shizuo groaned as he realized that he was exaggerating in the wrong ways.

Of course not.

Izaya would listen, would talk to him as well- he simply would keep every syllable spoken to the bare minimum needed. With nothing but emotionless facts.

Shizuo should be happy. Izaya was still going to be there. He was going to be near him, see him, and in the worst case could protect him once they were outside if Izaya ever needed it.

And yet the idea just pried a hole in Shizuo's stomach that was larger than the one that had been blasted into wall maria.

No. There had to be a way.

Talking to Izaya would get him nowhere, because he was right. As long as they were trapped in their respective positions there was no way they could ever act on their own wish.

… Shiki.

Eyes narrowing to a hard gaze Shizuo glared at nothing as he sat up straight.

That bastard was at the core of this misery. He was the one at fault for Izaya's expression.

For his decision.

For everything that was happening right now.

He wanted Izaya dead. Probably wanted Shizuo dead as well.

He had even mutilated titan's to his own will in order to take out his own men.

… just what was his goal?

What did this bastard crave for? Was he really fighting for a victory for humanity?

Shizuo couldn't help but doubt it.

But what then? What was it that this bastard wanted?

What could he possibly gain from maintaining the threat that were the titans?

Feeling an upcoming headache grasp his temples Shizuo closed his eyes for a second.

This was no good. No matter how much he wrecked his head about this topic, if Izaya hadn't come up with a conclusion after all these years of serving the bastard, then how was he supposed to unveil it?

As far as it came to him Shizuo had no clue about anything inside these walls.

Hell, it had only been a day ago that he even learned about Izaya's exact situation. His sisters, their stories- and that was only a fraction of Izaya's life. How could he hope to draw conclusions about a guy he had only seen a couple times from afar?

Thoughts trailing back Shizuo suddenly had to think about Izaya's sister.

Kururi. The one that spoke so little.

Izaya trusted him.

Despite them going separate ways their deal about caring for each other's siblings was still valid. Shizuo was sure of that. Or at least he was dead set to fulfill his part in case Izaya-

Swallowing shortly, Shizuo's thoughts came to an abrupt halt. A deep sigh escaped his lips and his brows dipped into a frown.

No.

Stop.

Thinking about Izaya's potential death was not going to improve this situation. They were alive. Both of them.

Maybe it was for the best after all. Izaya was right, they were both still safe. No one knew about their relationship.

And yet-

The day before.

Grasping his forehead Shizuo glared at the innocent flower.

The expression Izaya had held when he forced himself to leave Shizuo had bolted him to the ground. He wished he could have chased Izaya. Caught him.

And just convinced him that he didn't need to take such drastic and painful decisions-

But he couldn't.

Because Izaya was right.

He was right.

Shizuo knew and yet that fact just didn't want to get into his head.

How could something this easy be this difficult?

Gaze softening to one of frustration he sighed.

… maybe he should kill Shiki.

It was just a thought, backed with nothing really. Because the moment Shizuo thought about it he already knew it was a bad one.

The lonely flower still moved in the wind. And careful, as to not accidentally crush it, Shizuo pushed himself up from the ground.

He had looked for Izaya.

Everywhere.

He wanted to talk to him once more.

Izaya must have anticipated Shizuo's actions because one of his own subordinates definitely shouldn't be this hard to find.

Not his room, not the training grounds, not the survey corps dorms. Shinra had no idea where he was either.

Shizuo considered the idea of Izaya having gone back to his siblings for a short visit.

He wouldn't blame him.

From what he could tell that place provided at least a little bit of comfort.

Thoughtlessly strolling back to the dorms Shizuo was finally met with other people.

Laughter, random chatter and conversations filled his ears but never really reached his mind as he let himself be doused by the white noise.

So many people resided inside the walls and yet-

Lifting his arm he couldn't help but look at his palm with unsettling disdain.

He had transformed into a titan.

That small detail had somehow been neglected, forgotten- Shizuo didn't know what to think about it. He had chosen not to think about it.

It almost seemed like a bad dream.

Maybe he had been hallucinating? Izaya had never addressed the topic again either.

… then again, when would there have been time to?

They had been busy almost 24/7 and even at the times they weren't they were talking about future strategies. About who was going to take care of whom in case they died.

Slowing down a little, Shizuo found a bitter smile sneaking to the corner of his lips.

… thinking about it, when had the last time been that he had visited his own brother?

A while.

It felt like an eternity, yet it had been not longer than a week or two. The last update he gave his brother was one where he told him about having been accepted into the corps.

A tinge of guilt befell the blond as he steered into the direction of the hospital.

Kasuka wasn't awake. He might never wake up again overall. And yet he somehow felt guilty for leaving his brother out. If he were awake he would be worried. Sure there was a fat chance in hell Kasuka was even able to hear anything Shizuo said, but the chance was there.

And leaving him hanging without telling him that Shizuo was in fact still okay and alive somehow felt like betrayal on a personal level.

It didn't take long for Shizuo to reach the hospital.

It had been built relatively close to the wall since that was where the most patients came from and was therefore not far from both the dorms and the training grounds.

Not more than a couple minutes passed until Shizuo stepped into the very familiar corridor that led to Kasuka's room.

"I'm here to visit," he announced shortly and the girl sitting at the reception desk smiled at him.

He didn't need to state his name or who he was visiting as she recognized him on sight anyway. Quickly skimming through some files she nodded whilst speaking.

"Room 44, right? Go ahead," she announced with a sweet smile, and Shizuo nodded.

He really appreciated the lack of paperwork. Usually visitors had to file in forms and announce their visit ahead of time. Not him.

And so he walked down the aisle.

He had a lot to tell, but was all of it wise? If Kasuka could really hear what Shizuo was saying, then maybe he should cut down on the truth a bit.

At least the parts that were going to worry his brother.

With those thoughts in mind Shizuo opened the door to Kasuka's room.

And all their entirety was cast aside.

Izaya.

The person he had exacted to meet last was sitting on a chair next to his unconscious brother.

Surprise, only topped by Shizuo's, displayed on Izaya's face as they had neither really seen the other's visit coming.

No words were spoken.

No greeting, nothing.

Not after their last encounter.

Standing in the door frame as though Shizuo was a piece of bread that someone had forgotten to pick up from the counter he could do nothing but stare.

Izaya was the first to move as he pushed himself off the chair.

"Sorry, didn't mean to intrude."

His words sounded awfully hollow. The apology was an honest one, no doubt, but his words were void of any emotion.

Shizuo emphasized with Izaya's state of mind.

"...why are you here?" Shizuo's voice mirrored the same color of tone. It was a genuine question. He wasn't mad or anything. There was no reason to be.

They had asked each other to take care of their siblings in case they died.

Meeting Izaya here was nothing Shizuo would have viewed as a breach of that promise. The opposite.

"The hospitals within wall Sheena are way better than this one. I was thinking of having him transferred," Izaya informed swiftly and a shrug accompanied his quick serve of an explanation.

More stupor clutched Shizuo's mind.

The idea was a good one, of course. Hell he wouldn't dream of complaining about having Kasuka treated by doctors with more skill and experience. That was not the issue.

He didn't get false hopes either. Because at the end of the day Shizuo was aware that the probability of Kasuka ever waking up again was extremely low.

No, the act itself wasn't confusing him, it was Izaya that did.

Why was he exerting this kind of risk? He was in no position to request anything from his uppers. Maybe by pulling some strings on old connections he could ask a few favors, but use them for this?

Why?

Did Izaya think he would wake up?

It wasn't like him to hope for anything like this.

What was the benefit?

And suddenly Shizuo realized and his throat closed up.

Izaya wanted him to leave the survey corps.

And for that he needed Kasuka to wake up.

Basically, Izaya wanted him gone.

And that idea hurt worse than Shizuo liked to admit.

Shizuo's palms dangling left and right from his body curled into loose fists at the prospect of Izaya's plan.

He wasn't mad. He knew why Izaya was taking these steps. He knew that he was doing all of this just because he wanted Shizuo to be sound and safe.

And yet-

Looking at Izaya, Shizuo couldn't have felt worse about this situation.

Izaya looked like shit.

Drained.

Dark circles marked his eyes and all vibrance seemed to have faded from his eyes.

he was suffering.

From his shoulder injury for one thing probably, but more on an emotional basis.

Moving forward Izaya did his utmost to avoid meeting Shizuo's eyes and that only emphasized just how hard all of this was on Izaya.

Again.

"Well then, if you would excuse me," he whispered quietly, and something in Shizuo's mind just snapped.

His body moved faster than he could think of his intention as he blocked the entrance. A deep frown, possibly even a glare had settled on his face and Izaya stopped.

They were so near, just like the day before. Yet the situation couldn't have been any more different.

There was no warmth to be perceived. No love, no desire.

Only ice cold as Izaya had pulled up an invisible wall around himself.

And that was exactly what Shizuo hated about this situation.

"Izaya, can we talk?" Controlling his voice was harder than Shizuo imagined it to be, but he managed. Because if there was one thing that he definitely didn't want to do then it was lashing out at the flea.

A short glance was spared at his face, and somehow it seemed to make Izaya look even worse as he quickly averted his eyes again.

"Everything has been said," he announced coldly and Shizuo frowned in frustration as his grip on the doorframe tightened.

"I don't think-"

A scream tore through the building along with the noise of medicinal tools falling to the ground.

Both of them jerked in their stance and for just a moment their attention shifted. No words were spoken, no agreement made as Shizuo left off the doorframe and backed into the corridor.

More screams followed, chaos erupted faster than Shizuo was able to tell what was going on as Izaya joined him with equal confusion.

Doctors rushed past, patients stumbled over their own feet as they sped to unknown heights.

Grasping the collar of one of the bypassing maniacs, Shizuo quickly brought a guy to his face, "Hey, what's going on?" he asked, but the man didn't even waste a second to speak as he tore himself away from Shizuo's grip.

"Shizuo."

And suddenly Shizuo heard it. The direness in Izaya's voice.

Standing right next to him, Izaya's gaze wasn't directed down the corridor, but inside Kasuka's room.

The window. Closed for today as it had started to rain, still stood in the same place it always had.

A garden was to be seen, the opposite housings, a few chimney's, they sky, clouds and of course the main attraction of the picture.

A smile.

A large smile drawing from one cheek to the other on the face of a titan.

Shizuo froze upon sight and for a moment all screams around them faded into dull muffled water.

The titan moved and tearing his sight from the grotesque face he suddenly made out another.

Another.

More.

And more.

And with dread he realized the reality that forced itself onto him.

Wall Rose had fallen.

to be continued~

Oh my, oh my~ 7 Chapters left to go~ xDDDD