LISA
Four Years and Three Months Ago . . .
"Hey, Swan."
"Hi," she replies a little out of breath.
I pull myself onto a barstool and signal Candi for my usual. "You on your way?"
It's Thursday night. Our traditional night out for drinks and darts. One we'd started in summers past when we were both home from college.
And in the last few weeks, we've picked that tradition up again, because Jennie has moved back home. She graduated with honors from Iowa University four weeks ago. Started working for her father in a rather entry-level position, even when she told me she wasn't sure that's what she wanted to do.
I'm not sure I want her working for her father, either. Hell, I've been trying to find a way out of KSC myself, but I stayed. If there was a chance in hell Jennie was moving back to Dusty Falls after graduation, I was going to be here because this is our time. After all these years of waiting and pining away for her, it's our time.
Her education is behind her, her future bright and limitless. She's back within arm's reach. I can woo her, love her openly, date her, marry her. I intend to make her see that everything she needs has always been waiting patiently for her. Everything I've ever longed for is finally within my grasp.
But I know I need to slow my pace with her. It's been gut-wrenching to do, but it's my only option. Slow and steady gets the girl and that's what I aim to do. I want her to see that she can't live without me any more than I can without her. She loves me, yes, but she's not in love with me just yet, and I know it's because she hasn't given that side of us a chance.
So this summer is all about changing perspective and perception. I'm going to do my level best to alter how she sees me. How she sees us. Open her eyes so she understands we can be best friends and lovers and lifelong mates. I plan to not only get her but keep her and make her the happiest, most loved woman alive.
Just like every other summer, we've picked up right where we left off. I spend as much time with her as she'll allow, only now I've started dropping subtle hints. About us. About the future. About more. With the coy looks and fluttery eyes she's given me, I thought I'd actually been making progress, but then my gut started to burn.
I'm not the only one who thinks "it's time."
"Oh shoot. I'm sorry. I, ah…I can't tonight, Lisa."
I clamp my teeth together. That burn starts to flame, fueled by the hot coals of suspicion stirring inside me.
Keeping my voice steady, I ask, "You mean you're already breaking with Thursday-night tradition? I was looking forward to an ass whooping." Actually I was just looking forward to spending time with her. I don't particularly like to lose but if it means I have Jen by my side for a few hours, I'll gladly suffer defeat.
Her laugh feels forced. "I'm sorry. I just…something else came up. But next Thursday, I'll be there and it will be my pleasure to whoop your ass until you can't sit." She adds the last part quickly, trying to soothe me. It doesn't work. Normally I would laugh and tease her back, but instead, I want to press her. Ask her twenty questions until she spills what suddenly has her so busy. I'm afraid I already know the answer to all twenty of them. I settle for, "It's a date."
"I'm sorry, Lisa." Now she sounds genuinely contrite.
"Hey, no big deal. I'll just call Hanbin. See if he wants to join me."
Oh yeah, I threw it. Laid the bait. I hope to fuck it rots right there on the ground.
"Oh, ah…" she sputters. "I'm sure he'd love that."
I smell the spoil already. I hate that I know Jennie so well. I know every inflection, every telltale tick, what each hitch of her breath means, except the one I want to know most intimately. I fear I may never learn that part of her just like I fear Hanbin will.
I'm utterly sick.
"Talk to you tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Love you. Sorry again."
"Love you, too, Jen." So fucking much. How can you not see that?
I stare at the phone in my hands, the screen now black. I shouldn't do it, but I can't stop. I curse myself the entire time my fingers fly through my contacts. I hate myself when I tap his name.
He answers on the fourth ring. "If this is business, I'm afraid it will have to wait."
A corner of my mouth ticks up. It probably looks like a sneer. Fuck….it is one. "It's not business. I wanted to see if you're free for a drink."
"A drink?" He sounds surprised.
"Yeah, a drink. Complete with alcohol and everything. My treat."
"Tonight?"
It's true. Hanbin and I were once inseparable, but our relationship is strained from both ends. It's hard to hang on every word of the brother who also wants the same thing you do. The same woman, the same life, the same everything. He probably feels the same.
I bark a laugh that borders on sardonic. "Yeah, tonight. Why? Got plans? A hot date maybe?"
Bait laid once more. Only I know Hanbin. He won't pick it up. He's not that outwardly transparent. But I know my brother just as well as Jen. Hanbin hasn't dated anyone in months. Except Jennie. I know this, not because of her, but because he tipped his own hand. The stick in his ass magically fell out and I knew…I knew it was because of Jen. Because she has that effect on people. She's a flickering candle in their dark world. A living, breathing fantasy come to life.
"I can't tonight." Short. To the point. No elaboration. Very Hanbin-like.
"Maybe after you get done with whatever it is that has you tied up? I can wait." Hanbin has been the one pushing to get together more lately, so the fact he's turning me down is telling.
I swear I hear crickets chirping through the silence on the other end. Finally, "I'd love to, Lisa, but tonight just doesn't work."
It's confirmed then. My worst nightmare has come to life. My gut is now engulfed in a wild inferno of jealousy. Images of them together tonight flip through my brain in agonizing slow motion.
"Some other time?"
"Yeah, sure," I manage to spit out. I stick my hand in my pocket, fingering my keys, and fight the urge to drive to her house, following them like some fucking lovestruck stalker. Even I can't stoop that low. Seeing them together that way would completely break me.
"I'll see you first thing in the morning to review the DeVries contract."
"Yep." I throw the phone on the bar top without a good-bye, disgusted with the way I'm feeling. Just as it stops bouncing, it rings again and for a brief moment, I hope it's Jennie saying she's changed her mind. I snag it, taking in the name on my screen. Hwasa. I punch ignore and throw it back down, harder this time, uncaring if it breaks.
Jesus fucking Christ, this is gutting me. I'm a twenty-five, almost twenty-six-year-old. I'm certainly not pure, but I've limited the women in my life because of Jen. Because all I can see in them is her.
There was a period of time when I kind of gave up on the notion of us, not believing it would ever come true. A quarter of a century is a long time to wait for anyone, so I started seeing Hwasa. I may be in love with a woman I can't have right now, but I'm not a fucking saint. Yet every time I was inside of Hwasa it became harder and harder until it almost became unbearable. Even though it was stupid, I felt as if I was betraying Jennie so I broke it off a few months ago.
Hwasa's been calling me ever since. She's relentless. Like a bloodthirsty piranha.
"You look like someone ran over your cat," Candi twangs as she sets a draw in front of me. I palm the cold mug and take a long drink, hoping it will cool the fire in my belly. Knowing it won't.
"The only good cat's a dead cat," I say as I slam the glass against the wood. Her horrified look shames me. I forgot Candi volunteers at the Humane Society and is part of a team that rescues abused animals. "Uh…I didn't mean that."
Her already thin lips press together. The line it makes reminds me of an Etch A Sketch.
"Sorry. Been a shit day. I love cats." I don't particularly care for cats, but I'm not heartless. Don't wish them dead either. "Better bring me another one of these. I'm gonna need it."
Nodding in understanding, she leaves me alone to wallow.
That incessant ring comes back. I just ignore it. It stops but starts back up immediately. In frustration, I power down my phone and finish my beer. I breathe deeply. Try to hold my sanity together, but that fucker is fraying big time.
My imagination starts running wild and rampant at what they'll do tonight.
Jen will laugh that laugh she does that draws you in and keeps you spellbound. She'll throw her head back and expose that sleek neck that begs for your lips. Hanbin won't be able to resist. He's only a mere mortal, after all. A man that's driven by a base need to claim the woman he thinks belongs to him.
Fucking hell, I can't breathe.
I imagine him kissing her, stripping her blouse first, then her bra. I see the ripe nipple he takes in his mouth, moaning around it when her flavor bursts on his tongue. I imagine his fingers moving inside of her before he sheds the rest of her clothes until she's naked and trembling, begging him to ease that ache between her legs with his cock.
I imagine him doing everything I want to do.
The fog of denial starts to roll in. My gaze falls despondently to the tacky wood beneath my fingers, unable to physically stand anymore. Hope is stripped from my spirit, ribbon by bloody motherfucking ribbon. A hundred thousand bees buzz around in my head and when it stops, desolation takes up residence inside me.
My brother knows how I feel about Jennie. How much I love her. But he loves her, too, doesn't he? That's what this is all about. He's as in love with her as I am, and he's as stubborn as I am when he goes after something he wants. She's not worth giving up. I know this. So does he.
And he's won.
This is the time I have to ask myself the hard questions. Can I stay here if they end up together? Do I get on my knees, flay myself, and beg her to choose me instead? Should I have pushed harder, faster, not waited so fucking long because I was afraid our friendship would turn awkward and I'd lose her for good? Can I live my life with Jennie Kim knowing we'll always be friends and nothing more? Can I live my life without her, feeling as if I've had a lung removed and will never breathe fully again? Hell, can I live without her, period?
I wish I had the answers. I simply don't.
Honestly, I don't know how long I sit there, my imaginary vision of them getting more realistic by the second. At some point, I feel wetness on my legs and realize it's me. I'm crying. Like a goddamned baby.
The glint of my phone in the low light snags my attention. Before I know what I'm doing I reach for it. It's turned on. My fingers are dialing and she answers on the first ring. I'm numb while we make plans to meet. I'm numb when I start the car and slowly back out of the gravel driveway behind the bar I'm parked in. I'm numb as I drive down the streets of Dusty Falls. I'm even numb as I drive into Hwasa later.
In fact, I remain numb for a good long time to come.