JENNIE
Two and a Half Months Ago . . .
I'm in the kitchen checking on supper, humming along with Fifth Harmony's latest catchy tune. It was a busy day at the bakery and I'm glad I put supper in the slow cooker, otherwise it would have been a big ol' bowl of Cap'n Crunch's Oops! All Berries for each of us. Best. Invention. Ever, by the way. All berries? Brilliant.
I'm in an unusually up mood today. It's a good feeling after spending so much time being blue. It's been nearly two months since my father's death. We're all finding our new normal with a key piece of our lives now missing. It's hard, but we're marching on because what other choice do we have?
By unanimous vote, Hanbin took over running KSC. He tried telling me that spot was mine. It was what my father always wanted, but I don't belong there anymore. I love my bakery, my freedom, my new life. Besides, it's not in my blood like it is his or my father's. Regardless of what he said way back when he left to move to Florida, he's always wanted to make a name for himself at KSC. I think he secretly wanted to show my father he was worthy of his daughter. Of me. I always knew he was. I hope he feels that way now, even if it is too late.
My mother seems to improve daily. She's resumed a few of her club activities. She told me a couple of weeks ago she's now coleading the widow's support group at church. That seems to have given her purpose and a reason to get out of bed in the morning, so whatever works. I've spent more time with her over the past two months than I have in the last two years combined. She's softened and in her own way apologized for not being the best mother she could be. Promised to do better.
And Joohyun? She's still distant and withdrawn. Her snark is all but gone. She's turned into a waif, just a shell of herself. I think she and Hanbin spend more time apart now than together. I've spent my entire life wishing Joohyun were someone else and now that she is, I'm not sure I like it. I keep waiting for the sister I've loathed all this time to return with a vengeance and she just…doesn't. Surprisingly, I'm really starting to worry about her.
It's also been close to three months since Lisa's and my conversation about having a baby. The joy of starting new life fell to the wayside at the reality of one lost. Lisa and I haven't talked about it since. I went off the pill, though, and we haven't been using protection.
I have to admit I was torn when my monthly visitor showed up just a few days ago. I want this next step with Lisa, I'm just not sure I'm ready for the joy of parenthood when I'm still mourning the loss of my own parent. I've decided if it happens, it happens. I'm not gonna stress.
As far as Lisa and I, I'm not sure things could be better between us. She doesn't work as many hours. She's home for dinner by six or six thirty most nights. She's loving and attentive as always. But she also seems more focused on something. I can't quite put my finger on it, though. She's always been protective of me and the issues with my parents—issues that she took on as her—but I wonder if the death of my father has hit her harder than she'll admit.
Pushing sad thoughts away, I turn up the radio as loud as it will go, letting the beat of the music take me over. I find myself wiggling my ass and singing at the top of my lungs about being worth it.
My cell lights up, vibrating noisily against the granite. I spare it a glance, frowning at the name on the caller ID. I stop moving, panting slightly, and debate whether to answer it. I argue with myself as the vibration continues. I'm just reaching for it when Lisa's voice brightly calls, "Hi," as she walks through the garage door. I abandon the call, letting it roll to voice mail and quickly reach over to turn down the radio's volume.
My hi comes out as a squeak when her arms coil around my waist. Warm lips skate along my throat and I'm reminded of the day she did that so long ago shortly after we were first married. I kinda wish I was making crème pâtissière instead of fishing out a pot roast from the roaster so she could smear the custard all over me again. Only this time, I'd think of no one but her as she ravenously licked it off. I'd feel only her fingers as they twisted my nipples and pumped inside me. Hear only her voice in my ear as she commanded me to come. Know only Lisa as she brought me to the brink of orgasm and over it so hard I shook in the strength of her hold.
I take the lid off the cooker and breathe deeply, the scent of slow-roasted meat and veggies filling my senses. "You seem to be in a good mood," I say breathlessly as my lobe is captured between her teeth.
"I am," she whispers with it still in her grasp. Her teeth lift, but her lips wrap around the flesh instead. Then her breath trickles over the coolness left behind, making me shiver. "Pot roast?"
Her hold loosens enough so I can turn in her arms. I set down the slotted spoon and spin, twining my limbs around her neck. "You sound disappointed."
"Not at all. I love pot roast."
I cock my head, studying her. "But?"
Her brows go up. "How do you know there's a but?"
"Because I've known you for twenty-six years, counselor. I know a stiff…solid"—I trail one hand down her back and grip her taut ass—"butt when I see one." We break out in laughter before she slants a scorching kiss on my lips.
"So, you're home early," I say, now a lot breathless and ready for dinner of a totally different sort.
But her eyes. They stop me short of sliding my hand around the front of her hip. Now that I'm looking straight into them, I see a little wariness.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, Swan."
"Then what's up? You have that wary, guarded look in your eyes like when you had to tell me they were canceling Teen Angel. What is it?"
A self-deprecating smile pops out. Her elbows squeeze into my waist and I feel the lace of her fingers at my back. She's caging me in so I can't escape. "Sometimes I hate that you know me so well."
Red alert. My pulse skitters. There's definitely something going on. "No, you don't. You love it. Now spill. Is it something to do with KSC?"
"No, Jennie," she answers fast. Too fast. After a quick glance out the window, she draws in a deep breath and announces, "But there is something I wanted to tell you about, actually."
Under normal circumstances, I would bust out a smug grin and tease her but my senses are tingling like lit sparklers. The moment feels heavy, electric. She's nervous.
I keep my voice steady when I prod, "What is it?"
She holds my eyes. Holds them so tight it's as if we're magnets. Powerful and unbreakable. In literally one second, I'll wonder if we are.
"I got a job offer."
I just stare. Blink and stare and blink some more. Job offer? But she already has a job. "What do you mean, you got a job offer? You have a job, Lisa. Here, in Dusty Falls. Working for my father's company." I gasp, a sudden thought hitting me. "Did Hanbin fire you?" Would he do that? Would he abuse his power that way?
Lisa's nostrils flare out and a corner of her mouth tugs up, but it's nowhere in the same vicinity as a smile.
"Because if he did, I'll—"
"No, Swan. He did not fire me. And I don't need you to fight my battles," she tacks on rather bitterly.
I stiffen a little, trying not to let that needle me. "Well, then what happened? Why did you get a job offer? I don't understand."
And where? It's not as though there are a lot of places for an attorney to work in Dusty Falls.
She never looks away as she says evenly, "I accepted."
It takes my brain a few seconds to catch up to what she just said. I thought I heard her say I accepted. And when I realize she did, in fact, say those two words, the wind feels knocked straight from my lungs.
"You did what?" I force that question out on the last rasp of air I have left because I feel like I can't breathe right. I push her away with all the strength in me. She lets me, staggering back, undaunted. "How could you do that without consulting me first? KSC needs you, Lisa. Now more than ever."
Her jaw is set tight. Her stare firm, digging into me with unchecked resolve. "They don't. Everyone is replaceable, including me."
Seconds ago, I was thinking Hanbin fired her. Now, my thoughts have swerved 180 degrees. "Hanbin will never accept your resignation."
Her demeanor doesn't change a bit. "He already did."
This is why he was calling only moments ago. It has to be.
"How could you do this?" I breathe hotly.
Determination schools her features tight. She nods slightly when she tells me, "This is what's best for us, Swan."
"Best for us?" I parrot in utter disbelief and shock. Yes, shock. That must be what's making my limbs numb and my mind shut down. No. It's whirling. Whirling and spinning and reeling so fast my stomach revolts. I don't know how long we silently argue before I find my spine again. Then I straighten my back. Square my shoulders. Pick up my scattered thoughts from the floor, piecing them together in the only pattern that makes sense. "Best for us or best for you?"
Caramel eyes harden right before me. "Us. We need to get the fuck out of this town, Jennie, before it sucks us under and ruins us. Before it breaks us and everything we're trying to build together."
"Ruins us? What in the hell are you talking about, Lisa?" My voice shrills more and more with each word I'm flinging. "Our lives are here. Our livelihoods are here. Our memories. Our histories. Our loyalties. Our families!"
She just stands still, stony and steadfast. "Exactly." As if that one word explains it all. And I suppose it does. One word sums up the reason she wants to abandon everything we've known, leaving our entire lives behind. One word that can be found hidden within each of the reasons I just gave.
Hanbin.
My blood boils hot. Hot and sweltering. Blisters are forming inside. Sweat dots my brow. "I can't believe you did this without consulting me."
Her gaze slides over my rigid form. It lands on my curled hands, then my fixed jaw. "Because I knew you'd react like this."
"How the fuck am I supposed to react when you tell me you've been off making plans for our lives without me!" Then it hits me with the force of the sun at high noon on the equator. Why didn't I put two and two together sooner? Why didn't I push this when I had doubts about what she was doing? Doubts Hanbin planted. "Is this why you've been going to Minneapolis?"
Please say no. Please say no. Please don't say yes…
She doesn't even bother looking ashamed when she answers. "Yes."
My knees feel weak. They crumple a little but I catch myself with a hand on the counter. The other is pushing into Lisa's chest as she tries to get to me. "Don't touch me," I mumble. She takes two steps away.
I feel utterly sick. She's kept this from me for months. We stare at each other, the air thickening with anger and hurt.
"Who is the job with?" I force the question through a tight throat. My flags are all flying high and blood red. I know who else is up in Minneapolis and I'm hoping beyond all hope she's not going to say what I think she is.
Her hard swallow makes my skin prick. "Braham Construction."
"Oh my God. But that's…" Oh God, I can't…air…I'm gasping for it. "That's…Lisa." That's KSC's biggest competitor in the Midwest.
I turn my back to her and drop my head, gripping that granite top so hard my fingers scream as loud as my mind. I close my eyes and strain to drag in long, slow lungfuls of patience and forgiveness. It's not fucking working. I feel unimaginably betrayed right now. Confused and so, so betrayed.
"How long have you been working on this?" I muster.
"A while."
A while—air quotes. It's been months. That's why she took me to Saint Paul. That's why she wanted to show me around. That's why she wanted me to love it. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I fucking said it. And it tastes as sour as vinegar in my mind as the ash of duplicity tastes in my mouth.
I whirl back around, my hair flopping wildly. I don't want to look at her right now but I have to see her face when I ask, "Were there ever any meetings with the National Guard?"
She looks a little hurt. I don't feel bad in the slightest. "Yes."
"How many?"
She hesitates only momentarily, eyes darting to the floor before coming back to mine. Her sigh alone answers the question. "Just the one. It stalled just like I told you."
"Then why didn't Hanbin know?" I press.
Her lips purse into a thin, angry line. She's angry? Well, fuck that. Again, not feeling bad.
"It was a favor for your father. They contacted him directly. They were interested in KSC, but your father didn't want to send Hanbin because he didn't want to taint the procurement process." When I remain silent she adds, "It was a back-of-the-napkin meeting, Jen. I never mentioned it to Hanbin and I don't know if your father did. I didn't ask."
I absorb her explanation. When Lisa lies, she always ends up wetting her lips. I'm not sure she's even aware of it, but her lips are as dry as a bone right now. I want to ask her why she didn't just tell me that from the beginning, only I already know.
"You lied to me," I say in a shaky voice.
"I didn't—"
"You fucking did," I yell. "Withholding this is the equivalent of lying. We are married, Lisa. Married people are supposed to talk about big, life-changing things like this. Not hide them from each other."
Her lips snarl in a way I've never seen before. "Really? Is that what we're supposed to do, Jen? Because I have things I'd like to talk about, then."
My chest tightens. Oh God. This is it. The moment we've waited our whole lives for. The discussion that will rip us apart or unite us so we're unbreakable. I've wanted to go here dozens of times since we've been married and now that we're standing on the doorstep looking into that tarry pit of hurt, I just want to close the door and plaster over it for good.
But I can't.
Because she is the reason we are even here in the first place.
"Just say it," I push. I dare.
That distance I made sure was between us has now vanished. The tips of her shoes press against my bare toes. Her chest grazes mine with each ragged inhale. Her head is bowed down, her face close to mine. Swirling red-hot orbs of anger hold me hostage once again. When she speaks, her voice is thick and hoarse and guttural.
"Yeah. This is about him, Jennie. About the taboo subject we pretend doesn't exist between us, but he's always fucking there. Always between us. He's all that's ever been between us."
"Lisa—"
She grabs my chin between her thumb and finger, pinching to make a point but not to hurt me. "You don't think I know he's held what's mine? Kissed what's mine? Loved what's mine? Fucked what's mine?" She runs her trembling free hand through her hair until the pieces stand on end. "You don't think I know you even named your fucking business after him?"
I open my mouth to deny it, but I can't. I did it as a backward fuck-you to Hanbin. In college, I read Taleb's book, The Black Swan, on outliers and unpredictable events. It was fascinating. Lisa listened to me chatter about her theories of fourth quadrant empirical and statistical properties endlessly. So months later, when Hanbin's unimaginable, unpredictable betrayal occurred, I was full of spite and embarrassment and it seemed fitting. Now it just seems petty.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Jennie! I know everything and I still don't care. That's how much I love you. That's how wound around the very fucking center of my soul you are. It's the same place you'll be until I close my eyes and take my last breath. You are rooted in here"—she pounds her chest—"in the bowels of me so far I will never be rid of you. No matter how much I've tried. No matter how much I wanted to while I knew you were with him."
Her voice cracks. She stops. Pants. Pins me with a look that devastates me but not more than her confession or the tears I now see gleaming. "While he was the sun that lit your world, you were the darkness that shadowed mine."
I suck in a sharp, painful breath. My soul feels crushed. Literally. Stomped on with a boot heel until it's nothing but one big black mass of self-disgust.
"Why?" I can't possibly fathom why she loves me. Why she married me. Why she gives two shits about someone who has done nothing but hurt her over and over, albeit unintentionally.
Why? Why? Why?
"Why what, Swan?" Her voice is hoarse and aching, but there is no mistaking her affection. Still. Even now, after everything I've done to her, I couldn't find more love in her eyes if I tried.
"Why anything? Why are you here with me? Why do you want me? Why did you marry me?" Please explain it to me, because I just don't get it. I don't deserve it. I never have.
She simply shakes her head as if I'm the densest person on the planet. "Because I have enough love for the both of us. I always have."
That's it.
My knees give way. I fall unceremoniously into a heap on the floor and sob. I'm not quiet about it either. I wail. My body shakes with shame and heartbreak. With loathing that I haven't been what she needs.
Strong arms circle me. They lift and carry me. She settles me, holds me, comforts me. She loves and forgives me, petting my hair. Kissing my temple. Embracing me until my sobs slow to just occasional shudders. she brings a tissue to my nose, making me blow. Her love for me is as deep and boundless as the clear blue sky.
"Do you remember that first time I followed you to Old Man Riley's lake?"
I nod, sure my voice box won't work. My entire being is weak and not just my muscles. My soul and heart are, too.
"I knew you knew." She chuckles. I like the feel of her body shaking under me.
"You were about as stealthy as a bear," I whisper back. My voice sounds like it's been rubbed with coarse sandpaper. I twist my fingers in her shirt, holding fast as if it's the only thing binding me to earth. It may be.
Lisa slides two fingers under my chin and lifts. "I've been in love with you my whole life, Jennie. Even before I knew what love was. But that day…" She chokes up. The waterworks start fresh. "God, that day I watched you let the real Jennie Kim completely out and I thought…She is all I want. She has to be mine. I want her to be mine. That was the day I knew I'd never love another the way I already loved you."
Oh, the guilt. How it's eating me alive. Its sharp teeth clamp hard and fast. They're unyielding. She's loved me in that beautifully painful way I've loved Hanbin. It's nearly unbearable to hear her confess it.
Her eyes search mine. For long seconds, she penetrates that place so far inside a person it's hard to let anyone find it, let alone into it. "We can't help who we love, Jennie," she tells me softly.
And this is the selfless person I know. She knows how I've felt about Hanbin and she's telling me in her own words it's okay. But it's not. My love for her brother has been a burden she's had to carry alone all her life. I've loved the wrong man all along. Given all of me to someone I shouldn't have. It should have been Lisa. Always Lisa.
"I'm sorry."
A sad smile flashes across her lips. "No need to be sorry, Swan. But I'm done. I won't share you with him. Not anymore. If we have any chance of making it, we have to get the hell out of Dusty Falls. We have to make new memories in a place where I don't feel suffocated by those daily reminders that he still wants you."
She's right. Of course she is. Yet still…
"I know I went about this wrong, Jennie. I know that. I should have discussed it with you first. I should have given you that courtesy and for that, I am truly sorry. But I knew you'd need a push and it doesn't change the fact this is what we need. Both of us. I genuinely believe that." Her strong hand circles my jaw, tilting it back up. "That being said, if you tell me this is a deal breaker for us, then I'll decline the offer. We'll stay here and I'll work tirelessly to make sure you only see me."
I can actually feel how hard that was for her to say. "You would do that for me?"
The smile that flashes across her face is quick and sorta sad. "I think we've established I would do anything for you, Swan."
I bite my lip, my emotions all over the damn place. I'm hurt, angry and as always, I feel immense shame. We're at another crossroads. One I drove us straight to with these underlying feelings I still have for her brother and that she still has for me. I don't know what to do. Which road do I choose? Both are equally scary.
"But what about my mother? She's still so fragile."
"She has Hanbin and Joohyun." That draws a small smile from both of us. "And her friends, her community. She's be just fine."
"What about the bakery?"
Am I really considering this?
"Alison can run it. Pay her a management fee. Hell, sell it to her. I know it's your baby, Jennie, and I don't want to sound callous, but you're brilliant and talented and strong-minded. You can open a bakery anywhere or do anything else you want."
Then she reaches into her pants pocket and pulls out a business card, handing it to me. I turn it over in my hands.
Mia Banks-Cyrus, Owner
Greenbrier Pastries
It's from the bakery we visited in Saint Paul.
"Where did you get this?" I ask.
"I remembered she said her partner was moving. I swung by when I was up there the day your father…" She pauses briefly. I bite my lip. "Anyway, she said she wants to find another partner. The right one. She remembered you and she's interested in talking to you. If you are, that is." The corners of her mouth turn down slightly when she adds, "It's your decision, Jennie. Do we stay or do we go?"
This is all so overwhelming it's hard to digest. Lisa wants to move. Away. From everyone and everything. Start over again in a strange, big city.
But can I do that? She's given me so much and never asks anything of me in return. Never. Can I give her this one thing that clearly means so much to her? Can I truly leave my life behind? Leave our house? Our friends?
The bigger question, though, is can I leave Hanbin? That's the only question she's really asking me to answer.
And that answer this very second is: I don't know. I honestly do not know since the thought never crossed my mind. Maybe it did in passing but never seriously. And if I don't—if I can't—what does that mean for us?