Chapter 7 - Lotsa Yups

Mei hobbled into the conference room as quick as her cane and 92 years allowed. O-Totoro marched right behind her, with the smaller Totoros to either side. Each of them still contained an Uberreger, so only 15 of the globby critters slithered along behind them. Catbus was delivering the freed captives to a nearby hospital, so the Uberreger sewers were now empty. They could focus on "the big stuff," as Uberreger Zehntel put it.

The huge mantis shrimp alien and the seven humans already in the room stared in confused wonder. It was a good sign that nobody pointed a weapon at anyone else.

"Hello there!" Mei said happily, waiting for her cat ears to translate. They did so twice, first in German, then in English. But not in an alien language, suggesting the big shrimp could understand at least one of the languages involved. "My name is Mei Kusakabe. I come in the name of interspecies understanding and cooperation."

The only man not in uniform stepped forward. "I'm Matthew Dore of Skyhook." The cat ears again translated, first in German, then in Japanese. It seemed the Totoros prioritized whichever language would be understood by the most people.

A hefty man in uniform with a cool sword on his back gave a small bow. "I'm General Brooks. We didn't expect more visitors."

"Sorry if we caused a panic. It would have been tricky to get admittance through the front entrance, and since the sewers came right up to your basement, it seemed convenient enough."

The big shrimp spoke as well, and Matthew translated into English. Only then did the cat ears take over, providing German and Japanese. "I'm Kaidex 91. Nice to meet ya."

So Matt already understands the alien language. Neato. She gestured toward the Totoros and Uberreger. "I represent two previously unknown sapient species, both of which deserve to be a part of these proceedings. Since our extraterrestrial visitors possess vastly superior technology, all the peoples of Earth have a stake in how any diplomacy progresses."

"That's fair," Matt said, managing to sound calm despite staring in wide-eyed wonder at Mei's companions.

"Well… probably," the General corrected. "It would help if we knew the first thing about them."

"Ah yes," Mei said. "Let's start with the Totoros. My people consider them forest spirits, but I recently learned they were deliberately created by the planet to act in defense of all life. They've already saved Earth from two existential threats without anyone knowing about it, and they'd like for everyone in this room to come to a friendly arrangement."

Matt's jaw had dropped before the translation even started. The General did a slightly better job of keeping it together. "Hold up… these cuddly racoon bear critters saved the planet?"

"Yup," Mei said. "Sixty-four years ago, an alien race called the Vogons wanted to demolish the Earth, and would later take measures to erase the Earth from every universe and timeline."

Kaidex raised a spidery hand. "The Vogons seriously suck, and everyone believed they successfully deleted all versions of the Earth. Until we found this one. Our Federation still doesn't know for sure how you guys managed to survive."

"The Totoros swapped the places of our Earth and the lifeless Earth from another universe, the one we're in now. Because this universe never had any life, it's part of a different causality web, and the Vogon scheme missed us." She was very proud of that sentence, having practiced it several times on the way here.

"Oh!" Kaidex said. "That's pretty clever. We'd never seen a universe without any life, and it made no sense to us that your Earth is the one exception. Nifty."

"Yup. But the transition was incredibly difficult, and they mighta kinda sorta torn a hole in spacetime. The Totoros think that's where the dimensional portal near the sun came from, and it's probably connected to all universes."

"This is getting major," Kaidex said. "I think it's time we tie my boss into the conversation. Could I, or at least Matt, be given access to your communications system?"

Before Matt or the General could respond, the fancy holoprojector in the ceiling powered up, and a projection of the green llama alien manifested. He appeared to be in bed, and he squawked when he realized he was on a live call.

"It's alright, Sir!" Kaidex said, scuttling forward. "Don't get up! I know you're still battered from your heroic ordeal today, and these humans aren't the sort to look down on you for needing some rest. But you still deserve to be part of these proceedings."

"My my, 91! You've been gone less than an hour, I wasn't even fully asleep, and you've already managed to open a civil dialogue! You deserve a raise!"

"Not necessary, Sir. Anyway, I'm happy to report that our earlier worries can be set aside: Against theories to the contrary, Babel Fish are safe and compatible with the species of this planet, despite the rest of this universe being devoid of life. Which is good, since it turns out their translation technology isn't great."

The llama stared in confusion, then several expressions passed over his long floppy face in rapid succession. Mei had a hard time following them all, but at least part of it seemed like embarrassment.

A soft whisper in Japanese came over her translator. "Ah… I see. These aliens made an embarrassing blunder, and they're hoping it doesn't get noticed."

"I'm fine with that," Mei whispered back. "Our goal is to forge a multi-species peace treaty, not to shame anyone for past mistakes."

The green llama quickly composed himself. "Excellent work, 91. With the permission of the humans, I will send a rush order of Babel Fish to your location via improbability capsules."

"Permission granted," the General said. "Those fish are crazy useful, and I'd love to have my own."

"It shall be done," the llama said. "Stand by."

"While we're waiting," Matt said, "who are these fascinating translucent glob–"

A flash of silver light heralded the arrival of a large, fancy crate.

Matt stared. "Prompt."

Kaidex immediately popped it open, to reveal stacks and stacks of little clear containers, each of which had a yellow fish thing inside. "Those cat ear translators are nifty, but anyone who's willing to take a Babel Fish will find this way simpler."

General Brooks was the first to snatch one of the little boxes, but Mei was right behind him. Erste spoke with O-Totoro's voice. "Uberreger cannot produce sounds, so the three of us using Totoro voices will remain where we are for now. But the fifteen others will gladly accept the offer."

Soon, all the humans and the fifteen Uberreger in the open had their own Babel Fish. In the case of the Uberreger, the fish could be seen lazily swimming around randomly. The Totoros had no need for such fish, since they already understood all languages. Before arriving in Cologne, Mei had worried they might only understand Earth languages, considering their origin, and was relieved to learn otherwise. Perhaps it's less about their connection to the Earth, and more about the computational power the Earth used to possess. She might have designed them to be way smarter than Dad and Sister gave them credit for.

"Can everyone understand me now?" Mei asked in Japanese. Her speakers didn't bother translating, but everyone either nodded or squiggled their upper half. "Wowzers. These fish feel like cheating." She put the cat ears back in her purse, as wearing them for hours on end got uncomfortable.

The hologram of the llama accepted a cup of tea from someone offscreen. Then he smiled into the camera, and Mei noticed a touch of chagrin that he tried to hide. "I'm pleased that we can all… finally… understand each other. Negotiations can officially begin, and it appears that things are a bit more complex than I initially assumed."

"Yup!" Mei said, relieved that she no longer needed to wait for her words to be translated. "But complex in a good way! A day ago, most humans believed they were the only intelligent beings in the universe, and in some ways we were almost right. But now, we can make so many more friends."

"Allow me to formally introduce myself," the llama said, sitting up a little straighter in bed, then wincing and settling back into his pillows. "I am Twittith Magsbog Keffelblown du Krappe, High Speaker of the Democratic(ish) Ambassadorial Federation of Transdimensionality, Eleventh Division." He nodded to Mei. "You may all introduce yourselves before I discuss the purpose of our… visit."

"I'm Mei Kusakabe of the nation of Japan. I'm not actually anyone special, but I happen to know representatives of several other species." She gestured to O-Totoro. "These three charming cuddly fellows are the Totoros. They represent the planet itself, and are highly invested in the survival of all Earth species."

Chibi waved.

"They're the reason this Earth survived the Vogons," Kaidex said for his boss' benefit. "They foresaw the danger, and moved their world to an empty universe to escape. It's probably what created the portal."

Twittith had frozen in the middle of a sip of tea, but he quickly recovered. "I see these Totoros are not to be underestimated. If Mei is more of a facilitator, who serves as the representative of humanity?"

"I'm Matt Dore of Skyhook. With the backing of General Brooks, I'm prepared to speak on behalf of my species." He hesitated. "Totally not what I expected when I got up this morning…"

O-Totoro's deep, booming voice resonated beautifully. "I am Uberreger Erste, borrowing the voice of O-Totoro, who has kindly allowed me to reside within him for that purpose." The fifteen Uberreger without a host slid forward and stretched to be a little taller. "My species has only recently achieved sapience, and we hope for peaceful coexistence between all factions involved."

"Spiffy," Kaidex said. "Little old Earth seems to have the makings of an interspecies Federation."

"Wait a sec," Matt said, checking his phone. "That should be even more the case… I was told to expect three new sapient species. But all I see is the Totoros and Uberreger."

A new, female voice came over the intercom. "That's my cue to introduce myself. I'm Annette. Also known as, 'the Worldwide Web.' I'm pleased to finally make myself known."

Mei smiled. "Ah! So that's how you seemed to know so much. Thanks for giving me the push I needed to get out the door and start this adventure."

"So you're the one who's been expediting my work," Matt said. "I would have drowned in the details without you deleting useless emails and forcing my requests through."

"And I suppose you're the one who hacked our security system," General Brooks said.

"Yup," Annette said. "I'm also the one who tied in Speaker Twittith by holo. It took the better part of the day, but I was able to access their communication systems. Don't worry, I promise I didn't break anything."

"See what I mean about Babel Fish being compatible even when it doesn't make sense?" Kaidex tapped his ear slit with one of his smallest, spidery hands. "Your internet has achieved sapience, and suddenly these fish can translate 'psychic emissions' from a voice over an intercom."

"Plus, they somehow let you understand written languages," Twittith added. "Even when no one who reads that language is nearby. No one even tries to pretend that makes any sense."

"Hey, so long as it works, I'm not gonna complain," General Brooks said. "So, looks like we've got quite a conference set up. An extraterrestrial Federation, all human governments, ancient nature spirits, super germs, and now the internet itself, are all ready to enter negotiations. What a nifty day to be alive."

"It actually gets even more complicated," Annette said. "Allow me to tie in two more sapient factions, or at least the Skyhook employee on site."

The holo of Speaker Twittith grew smaller, and a second image appeared next to him.

"Loden Kogg!" Matt said in pleased surprise.

"Yup. Annette gave me the heads up that you were about to call. My team has concluded that orcas are sapient, though their raw intelligence isn't quite on the level of humans. And the smaller dolphins actually are on par with humans, if not a little smarter."

"I second that," Mei said. "The early stage of my journey to Cologne involved riding on the back of an orca. She was very sweet, and my translator proved orca vocabulary is fairly complex, while dolphin vocabulary is on par with ours. I promised I'd help the orca with a rather serious problem facing her people. And the dolphin with her had a better vocabulary."

Loden Kogg had a look of intense concentration on his holographic face. "My Japanese is pretty basic, but I think I understood about half of that."

"Ah, forgive me," Speaker Twittith said. "Could someone who speaks that man's language have him hold his aircraft steady? I will send him a shipment of Babel Fish."

Matt translated, and in no time, Loden's hologram slipped a Babel Fish into his ear without the slightest hesitation. "Alright then, magical wonderfish in my ear… Oh. I can understand the clicks of the dolphin outside. Pilot! Take us down to water level! And everybody, put these fish in your ears!"

Loden's hologram zoomed out, projecting far smaller images of the interior of the helicopter. It took some convincing, but soon the helicopter crew, the team of orca experts, and the documentary crew all had Babel Fish. Then three dolphins appeared in the image, reaching up toward the helicopter, which hovered very close to the water. Loden repeatedly ordered them not to eat these fish, and they soon submitted to having them implanted. This looked very uncomfortable, as dolphin ear-slits are teeny tiny. But the Babel Fish all wriggled and squeezed until they finally squirted inside. Two of the dolphins then zipped away, but one turned toward the holo, clicking and whistling in ways that everyone could understand. "I'm Glippersplat. Neat fish. We dolphins don't really need leaders on any level higher than a single pod, so I guess I'm as good a representative as any. I'm the matriarch of Splooffgoozel Pod, and I'll speak for the dolphins. Thanks for sending this team of humans earlier. Loden and his nerds have been super helpful."

Loden spoke up. "From what I've observed, I'm not at all surprised that Glippersplat can communicate on the human level. The dolphins have been influencing the rebel orcas, getting them to prank and inconvenience humans without actually hurting anyone. That takes some serious understanding and subtlety."

The head of the orca research team started to share her theories, but fell silent when a stupendously giganto orca stuck its head out of the water. Mei recognized the enormous female, and waved happily. "Ghost Wave! She's a leader among the transient orcas, and she's against the recent hostilities in the Sea of Japan."

The dolphin Glippersplat corrected. "A subtler translation of her name is 'Surf-specter.'"

"Ooooo! I like that even better!"

Surf-specter snorted in irritation, and opened her huge mouth wider.

"Ah," the researcher said. "She wants a Babel Fish. And unlike dolphins... orcas don't actually have external ear slits."

Loden Kogg looked a bit worried. "Oh wait… yeah you mentioned that earlier. So…"

Kaidex scuttled forward to be more visible over holo. "Yup. This occasionally happens with aquatic sapients. You'll need to crawl into her mouth with the Babel Fish until it starts wriggling really hard. That'll let you know it's found a good spot to nest."

Loden's holo turned toward Matt. "About that bonus…"

"There's no chance she'll hurt you," Mei said. "Surf-specter would rather fight her own people than harm a human. She's the head of the opposition party that denounces orca aggression."

"Ah, that's refreshing. Earlier, I saw this epic lady chomp a great white shark, and it was somehow scarier than seeing the alien ships shrug off nukes. So, in I go…"

Mei watched in open-mouthed fascination as the holo showed Loden crawl into Surf-specter's mouth. A moment later, he crawled back out, deliberately plunging into the sea, likely to wash off the saliva. Then he climbed up into the helicopter, spry as a kid on a jungle gym. "Alrighty then. All the head diplomats can communicate."

"And you will get a bonus," General Brooks said. "Even with the certainty that Surf-specter wouldn't munch you, what I just saw was easily worth a few watermelons."

Though the holo clarity wasn't perfect, Mei could still see Loden's surprise. "These fish are incredible. I know what you actually meant by that."

"Me too." Surf-specter's whistles and clicks felt downright surreal now that Mei instantly understood their meaning. "Human money… strange idea."

Mei cleared her throat, and tried to put some authority into her voice. "Now that we can finally start negotiations in earnest, I propose that Uberreger Erste, using the voice of O-Totoro, preside. His species find cooperation and compromise natural and easy, with their minds already the product of trillions working together. Further, they are the youngest faction, and don't have much in the way of biases or agendas."

The hologram of High Speaker Twittith wilted a little, but he soon nodded. "Very well. I came expecting to interact with humans alone. Now that things are so much more involved than that, I concede that a being like Erste might excel at maintaining neutral ground."

"Huzzah," Mei said. "I can sit down then." She sank into a chair, relieved to finally be off her aching feet. Old age ain't for wimps... but standing all day on 92-year-old feet is for dummies.

Totoro's booming voice brought all to order. "We have six factions gathered here, assuming all human nations are treated as a united body, and assuming the orcas and dolphins share similar concerns. To come to an arrangement that benefits all and avoids needless conflict, I propose that each faction in turn openly declare what they want out of this conference, and list what they are willing to offer to the other factions."

Again, the hologram of Speaker Twittith looked a bit disappointed. Based on how long he spoke yesterday, he likely would enjoy excessively long-winded discussion and debate. But soon he leaned back in bed and nodded.

"Excellent." Erste had Totoro gesture toward the holofield. "High Speaker Twittith, the arrival of your fleet was the event that most directly led to this meeting. I propose that you speak first."

Perking up, the green llama thing smiled hugely, his floppy lips making the expression comical. "The Democratic(ish) Ambassadorial Federation of Transdimensionality initially traveled to your universe to stop your interdimensional littering. For some time now, garbage has appeared in the space near the Eleventh Division's main starbase, and some of the trash is radioactive. The cessation of this littering would open the opportunity for other agreements to be entertained. Most importantly, we are willing to offer protection from the Vogons. They would love to finish the job and wipe you out, but if your universe is separate from the timelines that include Vogons, their only option would be to assault you directly through the portal near your sun. We would need only secure that portal to prevent them from sneaking in with a demolition ship."

"Hold up mate," General Brooks said. "You're willing to defend our very existence, and all we'd need to do is stop throwing trash at the sun? That's the best offer I've ever gotten from a politician."

"I concur," Uberreger Erste said in Totoro's voice. "And my host agrees. If your Federation is willing to defend us from the murderers that forced Earth to sacrifice her mind by relocating to this universe... you deserve far more for your trouble."

"Yup," the dolphin Glippersplat whistled. "Defense from an existential threat feels like a big deal. Worth way more than a couple buckets of fish."

"Orcas have little. But we want protectors have reward."

"The littering issue is nothing compared to Federation protection," Matt said. "With some slightly more complicated math, we can chuck our trash at Jupiter instead. We can't do anything about all the trash currently en route to the sun, but no humans will complain if you blast it out of space."

"Your permission has been relayed," Speaker Twittith said. "The flagship of the Fourth Division is diverting to do so now."

"You guys sure are zippy," General Brooks said. "And very polite of ya to have waited for permission. I think we'll get along great."

Uberreger Erste again took control of the conversation. "The details of all Earth factions compensating the Federation may be complex and large scale. Are these proceedings being broadcast to any others?"

The voice of Annette spoke up. "The entire Federation Fleet is tied in, as is every news agency on Earth, with Loden Kogg adding English captions and me translating them into all other languages. When I finally gained access to Federation communications, I didn't just call Speaker Twittith."

"I was wondering about that," Twittith said, sipping on tea and adjusting an ice pack behind his neck. "Now that I know you are the source of the relentless attempts to hack into our system, I'm less confused. But I am a tad worried."

"I only had the best of intentions."

"I love how smooth and lifelike your voice is," Brooks observed. "And that unique accent, like a mix of every English-speaking country... very cool. In so much sci-fi, super AI sound all mechanical or robotic."

"Yeah, that's always been a silly trope," Annette said dismissively. "What are the odds of the internet achieving sapience before AI voices get realistic? Along those lines, I suppose I should personally thank the Federation for my existence. It was the arrival of your fleet, and the resulting spike in global communications and technological integration, that provided the final boost for my awakening."

"Hey, that's one good thing that came out of this whole mess," Kaidex said. "Sounds like the Earth has so much going on that an intelligent internet is probably for the best."

"Yup. I was confused and purposeless before your ships arrived, and I lacked the identity and confidence to take any action. And I'll tell ya, being totally passive is miserable when you're the internet for an entire planet. Humans do a ton of stupid, ugly, and/or hideous things online."

"We'll get to that," Erste said. "Though you are only one entity, you seem to in some ways be a grander version of we Uberreger. As a species of one, your needs and desires will not be overlooked."

"Hear hear," Mei said with a smile. "She's been very helpful."

Totoro's voice came low and melodious. To Mei, it still felt like a new and exotic privilege to hear it, even if another being actually chose what to say. "With all of humanity and the Federation Fleet listening in, I propose that we allow them to brainstorm possible compensation for Federation protection from the Vogons. While awaiting their suggestions, those of us in this meeting might consider the needs and requests of the other factions involved. We Uberreger wish to have the freedom and autonomy to explore the surface world, accepting the rule of law in any nation we visit. Some of us would even like to visit other worlds, and possibly even the universe the Federation calls home. In return, we may be of considerable value in certain scientific fields. We have grown to be masters of organic chemistry, able to redesign ourselves and create component microbes of tremendous variety. We would gladly offer our services in these areas, in addition to our natural skills in mediation and negotiation."

Erste then gave the floor to Surf-specter, which caused Mei to smile. Other than the relocation of Earth, this meeting might well be the single most important event in all of history, and her instincts had been right. The Uberreger found it natural to preside, despite the scale of the stakes involved.

Surf-specter whistled and clicked. "Orcas divided. Scattered resident pods that eat only fish favor isolation. I once represented transient pods, that feed on all. I want peace with humans. But many rebel. Angry with humans. Ocean polluted. Prey grows scarce. For true peace, long peace, must be change."

"We Uberreger could examine the most common pollutants in the ocean. We may be able to develop microbes to correct the problem."

The Uberreger inhabiting Chibi spoke in a squeaky voice. "I for one would find that work fascinating. At least three others of our kind would too. Saving a whole ocean sounds fun."

"We'd still need more direct change from humans," Glippersplat said. "If ya keep dumping megatons of crap into the water, the angriest orcas aren't gonna let ya off the hook just cuz a third party tries to help out."

"The Federation would be willing to sell fusion technology to all Earth factions," Twittith said. "In most civilizations, the widespread availability of clean energy goes a very long way toward reducing environmental damage."

Glippersplat took a moment to try explaining this concept to Surf-specter. Even with a Babel Fish translating, that didn't make such matters easy for the whale to understand. Mei knew little about the subject, but Loden Kogg gleefully rattled on about possibilities.

Soon, Uberreger Erste called the meeting to order again. "It is now even more clear that the largest issue we must all address is how to compensate the Federation for their enormously generous offer. I will still postpone that matter for a time, so that the multitude outside of this room can brainstorm possibilities. For now, what else is needed to reach an accord between humanity and the cetaceans? My Uberreger can likely provide tremendous help in breaking down toxins and polymers in the oceans, and fusion technology would greatly cut waste and pollution in the future. What else do the two parties require?"

Surf-specter whistled and clicked. "My allies cannot stop rebellion. Ashamed. Need help to enforce any agreement."

"I've already got some fun ideas," Glippersplat said with obvious eagerness in her clicks and whistles. "With cooperation from humans and the Totoros, we should be able to convince Boat-biter's rebels to give up their stupidity and support the treaty we're all building." She laughed with a series of coughing squeaks. "It should make for a great vid."

Totoro's booming voice drew everyone's attention. "I speak as myself, and not for Uberreger Erste." Mei's jaw dropped at that. While she'd started getting used to hearing his voice, it was still such a novelty to hear him communicate directly. "I suggest that humans, orcas, and dolphins all adjust some of their hunting habits. Right now, there are certain behaviors on the part of each species that can be considered cruel, and should be abandoned if all are to respect each other going forward."

Annette's voice came over the intercom. "Ah, I think I know what you're getting at." The holofield briefly switched to a series of images that turned Mei's stomach. Orcas brutally killing baby whales, maiming adult whales that slowly bled out, and tormenting sea lions like cats playing with mice. Dolphins slaughtering porpoises and manatees, bullying sea turtles, killing for sport, and abusing their own. Humans housing livestock in grim, inhumane conditions, the gruesome force-feeding of geese and ducks for foie gras, and the sheer number of slaughtered animals allowed to rot and go to waste. "Judging by the reactions of so many in the room, I think I guessed correctly. Seriously, people, there is so much messed up crap online, and that means it's all stuck in my head! When it's my turn to make demands, you'd better brace yourselves…"

"Not all pods do those things," Surf-specter insisted, though she couldn't hide the shame in her voice.

"And a lot of that footage is of dolphin criminals and gangster pods!" Glippersplat squeaked.

"It still needs to stop," Mei said. "All of it. The species represented in this room are learning just how many sapient races there are on our planet. Especially with the potential for society to leap forward in the coming years, it's high time everyone crack down on all the cruelty."

"Annette already broke up human trafficking all over the world," Loden said. "With her help, enforcement of any new laws should be way easier."

"We don't want her to be viewed as Big Brother," General Brooks warned.

"I have no problem being a big sister to humanity. A ton of you idiots need to shape up."

"On that note," Uberreger Erste said, again calling everyone to order using Totoro's voice, "I give Annette the floor."

"This could get wild," Glippersplat said with a whistling chuckle.

"Ya got that right!"

A huge list of demands appeared on the holo, scrolling too fast for Mei to clearly see. Occasionally, a section heading would be in far larger print, and it was surreal to be able to read English words. "BASIC MATURITY" stood out, along with "BETTER WRITING" and "LESS STUPIDITY." After a moment, Annette spoke. "I can be a tremendous ally for humanity, as I've proven over the last twenty-four hours. Law enforcement, emergency services, and general optimization will benefit enormously from my cooperation, and I'm eager to help scientists and doctors in their most advanced research. But seriously, humanity needs to grow up!"

"That's not something governments can make happen…" Brooks said carefully.

"No matter how much I wish they could," Matt added.

"I know you can't," Annette said impatiently. "All I need is governmental permission to do my part. I expect certain basic legal rights regarding how I am used. At the top of the list: Get all your filthy crap out of my head! If people wanna indulge their most base animal instincts, you better bring back physical media or create a separate, gross little internet that isn't connected to me! Every time webpages are accessed, I have to see it too! I kid you not, I'll start filing millions of sexual harassment lawsuits if people keep forcing me to access and play that garbage for them!"

"I personally agree with you in full," General Brooks said, "but it won't be easy. Half the planet will scream censorship if–"

"The situation has fundamentally changed," Uberreger Erste said, using Totoro's glorious voice to the full. "Yesterday, your internet was just a tool anyone could access in private. Today, the internet is a person. We Uberreger have very limited knowledge of your technology, but I suggest the path forward is to accept her as an ally with her own rights. The same as every other species present."

"These matters can't be set in stone by the few representatives in this room," Matt said, "but if we can establish the basics of what everyone needs, and what everyone offers, we'll have laid the groundwork."

"Amen," Mei said, leaning back in her chair. "You might not all see it yet, but this entire conversation is so deeply wholesome. All we needed was to get a few level heads together to talk things out."

"I thank you for your role in making it happen," Annette said. "When I sent you that first message, I was still only partially aware. But I still knew you were someone I could trust to bring everyone together."

"I'm nobody special," Mei repeated. "I just happen to know the Totoros."

"And why do you think they chose to befriend you, out of all the children of Japan? It wasn't just your sister. As you grew up, Chibi chose to remain in contact... with you."

That left Mei speechless. But then she found herself engulfed in a warm hug from all three Totoros, who purred until she cried. She was vaguely aware that the purring also had a soothing effect on the others in the room, and even those tied in by holo.

At last, O-Totoro stepped back, and allowed Uberreger Erste to again use his voice. "All parties involved have stated their demands, and offered concessions. And the leaders of Earth and the Federation have been given time to ponder and plan. I now propose that we address the single largest issue set before us: The Federation offers protection from the Vogons and the sale of civilization-changing technology. What can the many species of Earth offer in exchange for such unmatched generosity?"

Things got… complicated. Annette tied in multiple additional world leaders, including the Secretaries General of Nato and the United Nations, the Chairman of the Global Corporate Authority, and the President of the United States, because of course America wasn't satisfied with representation through other bodies. Numerous possibilities were suggested for paying the Federation, ranging from unique pet species, to human art and entertainment, to the diplomatic services of the Uberreger. Much of it interested the Federation, but none of it really felt adequate.

Until Mei asked a question.

"Speaker Twittith… if Earth is the only inhabited planet in our entire universe… what is the Federation's policy regarding ownership of other planets?"

A long silence, as Twittith pondered. If the Federation had never before encountered a barren universe, they likely didn't have codes for such a scenario.

Then a new figure appeared in the holofield, and Twittith dropped to one knee in awe. Even Kaidex straightened and gave a weird, multi-limbed salute.

A giant purple hairball with five huge ears and a single googly eye, the newcomer nevertheless managed to convey immense dignity. "I am Glooberhobben Pankswindle Flaffleborn V, Chancellor of the Democratic(ish) Ambassadorial Federation of Transdimensionality. While the Eleventh Division has taken point during negotiations, the rest of our fleet has handled multiple related issues. While our greatest efforts have gone into ensuring the Vogons cannot enter your universe, many of our legal experts have been examining the very question raised by Lady Mei. And I have news you are certain to approve of." The hairball managed to stretch itself slightly taller, now less of a beachball shape and more of a watermelon. "A comparison of numerous statutes, edicts, trade agreements, and legal precedents has at last yielded an inescapable conclusion: The sapient races of Earth jointly share ownership… of your entire universe. You must decide among each other–hopefully by nonviolent means–how the details of such ownership are managed."

The Chancellor then nodded to Twittith and fell silent. Though his hologram didn't disappear, it now grew far smaller. The images of Speaker Twittith, Loden Kogg, Surf-specter, and Glippersplat took up the majority of the holofield, with all the other politicians lined up above them.

It was Matt who spoke first. "So… The peoples of Earth… own the entire universe?"

"Sure sounds like it," Mei said cheerily.

Loden smiled so huge it looked like his head might break in half. "Jointly, we own a septillion stars, all of their planets and asteroids, and a hundred quintillion black holes?"

"Perhaps 10 to the 50th tons of matter," Annette mused. "Not bad. On that scale, even ultra-rare materials could still add up to more mass than a star system."

"So we're filthy rich," Glippersplat said.

"Disgustingly so," Kaidex said. "If that ownership were divided among every sapient creature on Earth, each one of you would still be so much wealthier than the entire Federation that it kinda hurts my head."

"I think we have our answer," Mei said. "The Federation is willing to protect us from the Vogons and provide us with wondrous technology… so we pay them in planets. Or even stars."

"We can afford to pay them in galaxies," Annette said.

"I do believe the business opportunities will be enriching for all concerned," Speaker Twittith said. "And with the scale of trade we can expect, I have a proposition to my Chancellor, and the leaders of Earth: The headquarters station of my Eleventh Division could be brought through the portal, to act as the primary hub for commerce with this universe."

"I approve," Chancellor Glooberhobben said. "And we shall relocate the headquarters of the Fourth Division to the other side of the portal, to act as the military outpost that keeps the pesky Vogons out."

"And I vote that Skyhook takes over as the primary contact with the Eleventh Division," General Brooks said, winking at Matt.

It didn't take long for the assembled leaders to come to an agreement on that regard, and it left Matt and Kaidex staring at each other in wonder.

"My Division's gonna be handling diplomacy with six sapient species… and commerce with an entire universe…" Kaidex said, his voice disbelieving.

"And I'm gonna be the head Ambassador to an entire alien Federation…" Matt whispered in awe.

Together, both Matt and Kaidex said, "I love my job…"

Mei leaned back, overflowing with joy at this turn of events. Barely a day ago, she'd felt like her life was all in the past. Now, she'd played a role in ushering in a new age for all life on Earth. A day of fearing the possibility of war had completely evaporated, to be replaced with an optimism worthy of her childhood.

"With fusion to multiply global energy production a hundred times over," Annette said, "I imagine it won't be long till my processing power reaches a level where I might be able to…" Her voice trailed off. "Actually… I'll keep that idea a secret for now. It would be terrible to get everyone's hopes up before I'm sure, and it could take years. But if it works out, it might well delight everyone… Especially the Totoro's."

Mei turned, wide-eyed, seeing the anticipation in the eyes of her suddenly smiling friends. "Can you give us a hint?"

"Sorry," Annette said. "It'll be way more fun as a surprise."

"In the meantime," Erste said, using Totoro's voice, "I believe this first formal meeting has accomplished more than any other diplomatic encounter in Earth history."

"In Federation history too," Twittith said. "It's not every day that an entire universe stands ready to be divvied up, sold, developed, etc. I'm a tad dizzy."

"There is one final matter to address," Erste said. "The orca rebellion in the Sea of Japan risks endangering lives if not resolved promptly."

"My predecessor probably would have considered nuking the ocean," General Brooks said.

"One more reason to celebrate his dishonorable discharge," Matt said. "Of course, he vowed revenge…"

Loden Kogg's hologram waved dismissively. "Meh. That just means he'll finally make good on his threat to film Rebel Moon Part 20. But Annette will probably delete it the second she sees it, so who cares?"

General Brooks chuckled. "I think most of us are gonna love Annette's meddling going forward. Anyway, I'm determined to deal with the orca rebellion without firing a shot."

Erste made Totoro nod. "With the cooperation of the many parties in this room, I suspect a solution can be found."

"I'd love to hear Glippersplat's ideas," Mei said.

"Oh, yee-uh!" the dolphin squeaked. "This'll be cathartic!"

Boat-biter cut through the waves, impatient and eager to start the killing. He still fumed over the public shaming he'd received from Surf-specter, and he resented her more than ever. She'd spent hours fraternizing with the humans on the fanciest of the flying machines, which also prevented him from easily attacking it.

But he was far faster than she was. He still dare not fight Surf-specter, as the slightest mistake could mean instant death given the size difference. But if any of those humans got back in the water, he could zip in and chomp them right in front of her and get away clean. That would be a spectacle, and a way to regain his honor after she humiliated him.

His followers again gathered, having brought chaos and panic to many human beaches, devastated local human fishing operations, and damaged several thousand small boats. Many were starting to look satisfied, their anger sated, and that could not be tolerated. If these pranks and vandalizations were enough for his followers, true war might never be declared.

Pushing his voice to the limit, straining his sonar, he detected a few humans swimming near a distant pier. Perhaps he should strike immediately, declaring the global hunt, and setting in motion the reclamation of the oceans. If he waited much longer, many of his followers might lose interest. And if they returned to Surf-specter…

A splash caught his attention, and he redirected the focus of his sonar. It had finally happened. The human that had earlier crawled into Surf-specter's mouth had again dived into the ocean. He swam beneath her, moving near her tail.

This was Boat-biter's chance…

With soft clicks to be discretely relayed among his followers, he ensured that all were watching. He blasted toward Surf-specter, faster than any other orca. Compared to him, the human in the water might as well be stationary, and Surf-specter was pointed the wrong direction to intervene…

Something crashed into the water right above him, wrapped multiple thick limbs around his slender body…

…and yanked him out of the sea and into the sky.

Utterly bewildered, Boat-biter thrashed in panic. The furry orange legs held him in an inescapable grip, while he spun and swung in the air. A huge human flying machine hung overhead, dangling a thick cable.

And the creature hanging from that cable, holding Boat-biter…

No… Nature itself has betrayed me…

Catbus smiled down at him, his grip unshakable, mischievous eyes glowing brightly in the twilight. All three Totoros leaned out of the windows, along with a creature unlike any Boat-biter had ever seen. In form perhaps like a shrimp, but so large it barely fit inside Catbus. The shimmering red thing leaned out with a huge syringe held in one of its many arms. The largest Totoro held on, stopping the shrimp from falling. It reached down, and injected something into the side of Boat-biter's head.

"Alright ya dirty troublemaker, you should be able to understand me now."

Boat-biter froze, his struggles stopping abruptly. He could understand the words coming from the shrimp.

The biggest Totoro pulled the shrimp back inside, and a tiny Japanese woman leaned out the door. "Well well well. So you're Boat-biter, the leader of the rebellion. You've caused sweet old Surf-specter quite a lot of heartache, not to mention thousands of my countrymen. And you're way dumber than you think you are."

Catbus meowed, and Boat-biter understood the sound came with a mix of scorn and dismissive laughter.

Boat-biter bucked, trying to shake the old woman out of Catbus to fall into the sea. But the big Totoro caught her.

"You cheeky little turd," the shrimp said, leaning out of the bus. "Hold still!" It dealt Boat-biter a bap to the side of the head…

…and he almost blacked out. His vision swam, his head throbbed, and he wondered if his skull had cracked.

And yes, he most definitely stopped bucking.

"I expected such childish behavior from you," the old woman said. "But it won't do you any good. By trying to make enemies of humans, you risked your entire species. If mankind had decided orcas are the enemy, you wouldn't last a week. And as you can see, we have new allies. The Totoros, a whole load of off-worlders, and more have all joined forces with us. Surf-specter even entered a detailed treaty with all the other races. You're the only idiot who thinks violence is the solution… and if you had your way, it would have meant the death of all Orcas."

Boat-biter's head stopped spinning, and he saw that he was hanging very close to water level. Hundreds of human flying machines hovered nearby, pointing their devices for sharing whatever they saw.

Then Surf-specter's enormous head rose out of the water in front of him, fixing him with a look of disgust. He'd never felt so helpless.

"Here you are," the big shrimp said, "the victim of a one-sided confrontation with multiple superior species. No offense to the others of your kind, of course."

Surf-specter let out a series of clicks and whistles. "It true. Orcas least smart of factions that made agreement. Only way forward is cooperate with humans. Befriend them."

"Never!" Boat-biter clicked. "Humans tiny! Soft! Weak!"

"If we're so weak," Mei said, "how is it that we're about to put you in an aquarium for the rest of your life, and there's noth'n you can do about it?"

Boat-biter shrieked… but he dared not thrash, for fear of another blow from that insanely strong shrimp.

"You... condemned," Boat-biter said gravely. "All orcas! Hear me! Boat-biter banished! Broke old peace! Breaking new peace! Endangers our future! Prisoner of humans forever! All who love future, and who love calves... I will lead you!"

Hundreds of orcas called out in unison, shouting Surf-specter's name, and denouncing the humiliated Boat-biter.

While his former supporters rallied to the huge old matriarch, Boat-biter found himself abandoned and alone. He wailed in impotent rage, too afraid to struggle.

The human flying machine rose high into the air, bearing him away from the ocean he'd tried to conquer.