Home/ 05/10/78

I wasn't home, I wasn't naïve. I knew cyberspace from meatspace. I had experienced the sense of true physical touch through B.D's even then It was another person's nerve endings, It was the closest thing I knew to real pain, what I assumed was real. It knew what it felt like to have the sensation of a cold breeze through my hair, again, real might have been the wrong word, but there was something off about the breeze on the deck of the Iruka. It was how I remembered it. Exactly. My memory was good, but my brain was still ganic. The horizon showed adverts, I never paid attention, so they were hazy in my memory. It was like a dream, all text was blurred, all I could remember were pictures. I heard the whistle of the wind, but got no chill from it, no sensation or feeling. The waves had white crests and hit the side of the vessel but there was no weight to them, a fake feeling. I inhaled and walked to the edge, raised a foot and stepped out, my foot unable to descend, suspended by a platform of green everchanging numbers. I looked back to see Four. He wasn't a memory.
"Guess. I should have used your apartment to ease you in."
"Trying to keep me calm after what happened?."
"You'd prefer this to a lab." I turned around, my weapon wasn't at my side, yet I still reached for it, pointing a finger at their head, it wasn't exactly a heartwarming reunion, it wasn't truly a reunion.
"Where's my body Sam." There was a pause. This wasn't the Sam I knew, for one I was still on my feet, the illusion kept the act up stepping forwards. I wasn't convinced. I charged forwards and placed a hand on Four's head, he exploded into ones and zeros. The flickering numbers like micro-plastics in the air, they were visible for a second before fading becoming part of the background. "I know you're not them."
"Too hostile for your own good." Sam became out of focus, re-appearing as Tanaka, in his white lab coat over his medical scrubs, he was operating. My fist had no impact. A netrunner would hurt him, but Lucy was fried.
"I'd prefer Saburo Arasaka over you."
"The choice stopped being yours when you attacked my patients."
"Strapped down, they were test subjects."
"Until they were cured, they needed to be restrained. Arasaka didn't permit it. The fixer Mrs Jones was on Arsaka's watchlist. She had money, a way to hide. Do you think I can go back to Arasaka after they found out?" I didn't respond. Tanaka sat down on the edge of the ship. "I looked through your memories." I stomped by foot through the air, kicked, punched, pushed and then gave up. I stood above Tanaka, not wanting to look him in the eye. Tanaka stared at the waves, seeing the blue sparks and numbers dissipate when they hit the side of the boat. Tanaka was God here, the only reason I had a physical form was because he allowed it. He stared up at the rising sun and patted me on the back. "I have one last favour to ask."
"No."
"It involves you, Jade and even Axle."
"Why?"
"I need to escape, finish my work."
"I just got a bonus for bringing you in." Tanaka shook his head and looked to the sky, I saw in the clouds, memories, my memories. I saw Bushido, with Jade drooling on my arm, Lyrics to pon pon shit. Jade's awful French accent, I shook my head, the clouds started to fog up, the visions in them fading. Tanaka stared at the water, the same thing. The waters were murky.
"You'll forget, like you forgot you were Adam smasher, like Four. I can't keep backups of your mind anymore, but I can do one thing, should you agree."
"And why should I trust you?" Tanaka gestured towards the building's that became blocky, highly pixelated from thirty-two bit to sixteen. It wasn't my optics, an illusion of cyberspace, I stood up and turned away, caught between two suns as my memories played in front of me. I saw Four and I, Four and I, Four and I. Each in different clothes, in different states of dis-repair and repair. He helped me walk out one day, and the next, I was used to these feet. I chased after the illusion, unable to hold him. My hands ran through my hair. If I could what would I say? The Four I knew was gone; my hand started to tremble as the memories face turned blurry. I couldn't say sorry not yet, Four, Sam. Shit, she wasn't the same, she wouldn't understand. I wouldn't in a second. "Can you restore Sam?"
"No."
"I can't be like that. If I can't get Sam back, I'll tear the fucker's head off who lead this damn project."
"After." Tanaka placed his hand on my shoulder. "Help me, I help the three of you, Four, even that Netrunner." I was given Tanaka's last words. "Erasure was never my intention." I had no choice, did I ever? Tanaka vanished. The world began to stretch past my eyes, until I was left in darkness.

I woke up in a room I didn't recognise, I have a vivid memory of my pain receptors turned off during brain surgery, the needles and knives in what little was left of my brain, no Smasher's brain? That was on the floor in multiple bits. The sadist asked to have his receptors turned to maximum. The scalpel poked his brain, a numbing torture went through his body, needles scraping at the skull, drills carved out sections of gross pink, the taste of Iron in a mouth that was unable to bleed. The mind remembered the taste though. I know he liked it. I wasn't right, my arms were the colour of skin dark cracks for the launch mechanism of mantis blades, thankfully this body has functioning optics, not that I could use them. I was crucified by the machine. The room was illuminated by crimson dots in the floor, there was no natural light, even as the door opened, I saw the silhouette and the blue iris' of fashionware. I tried to fight against the nails that tied me to the cross, but I wasn't in control, even when reborn in this shell. My body fell to the floor. My fingers clawed into the floor. She had a purple mohawk, large hoop earrings, the features were different, face stayed young, but I knew it from my memories, felt more like dreams. She didn't look bad for seventy. I was released, falling to the floor, she crouched down.
"Adam?" I bared my teeth.
"Still dead. Does Michiko Arasaka want anything else?"
"Michiko Sanderson." She held up a hand with an engagement and wedding ring. "
"I'm not Smasher." I slammed my hand into the floor, my strength was returning. I managed to crawl to my feet, my amnesia wasn't cured, I still had scraps of memory that weren't mine. I was still Six. A number, reduced to a tool. My fingers wrapped around Michiko's neck, I had no idea, what I was and my instinct was to tighten my grip around the soft neck, thumb rubbing over her adam's apple, the way she looked at me, she should be scared. A barrel didn't need to be placed against my head, as if instinct, my hands loosened up. I raised my arms and stepped back, I hadn't left a mark on Michi's/Michiko's neck. I was on my way to the door despite being naked, this body had external organs that would have me arrested if I walked down the street, I opened the door and stepped onto the deck of a boat. It made no difference who saw an appendage that wasn't mine as it dangled between my legs
"Adam wait." Michi called out and the deck had been guarded, but the force around the boat had been eliminated, Danger Gal agents stood over Arasaka guards, they had metal cat ears, I knew who they were instantly. Michi's covert private investigators, all equipped with hyperactive hearing and lynx paws, private investigators was another word for muscle, there was no case here, and the silenced weapons meant that they were the invaders. I was the missing person; Michiko threw a jacket and jeans at me.
"Not everyone wants to see that." I shivered, The cold hit me like never before, right down to my, not bones, I didn't have marrow bones but certainly, It was different. I didn't know how, just different. The clothes offered protection as I put them on, feeling the denim against my skin, course and rough The sensation, I felt every movement, the jeans lift ever so slightly when I kicked the guard on the floor. All this for Michi's toxic ex. Lucy couldn't run a test, and I doubted my body would be able to fight off everyone here. I rolled my shoulders with a lack of proper diagnostic, I threw a punch in the air, half a second slower than I'd like.
"Why?"
"I heard what happened to you in Arasaka tower. I'm sorry. Guess I wanted a chance to say it, free an engram."
"I." The words didn't come naturally to me, I had to force them. "Thank you." I was dressed in black jeans a button up shirt and bomber jacket, lacking the formality of the corp that once owned me, as I pulled the collar up, I started walking, my boots stopped hearing Michi, the Arasaka yell.
"Don't thank me yet. Nothing's free. We've got Tanaka to save, considering you're the reason he didn't have any muscle"
"Cyberpsychos that I got him."
"He was going to cure them. Eventually"
"There's no cure."
"So you're saying I should just shoot you." I heard the click of a weapon's hammer being pulled back. I couldn't risk annoying probably the only acquaintance in the corp that didn't want me dismantled. I raised my hands in the air, seeing the red dots appear on my clothes. I looked back and Michiko wandered around me. "You forget I'm Adam's ex, and have access to Arasaka's secretive documents, like your life coach's reports, by your logic, I should put you down now. Unless you help me."
"Fine." It was Arasaka with a different code of paint, instead of being turned off, I risked getting shot. The power wasn't mine I was borrowing Adam's body that Arasaka owned. The choice wasn't mine unless you counted death as a choice. I didn't. The van opened to reveal a selection of weapons. I didn't have any smart system integration in my palm, I relied on power. The Overture revolver, with big bullets and six in the chamber it would work for putting down bigger targets and smaller firefights. I spun the chamber and placed it on my hip.
"Going a long way for revenge." I spoke to Michi as she passed me a phone.
"It's not revenge. Yorinobu crossed a line."
"It's about the corp then."
"It's about you." My fist could still put a dent in the van.
"I'm not Smasher. Get it through your skull, or after sixty years is that brain failing you?"
"You're a part of his engram. I wouldn't wish what happened to him on any person."
"I'm not a person. Said it yourself. I'm an engram."
"Thoughts, feelings. Even if simulated you can convince me. Just, do this for me." My finger twitched, I could see it, her bloodied corpse on the floor, my hands around her throat, yeah. She'd like that. I bashed my head against the van, causing it to shake trying to get the thought out my head via concussion now that Smasher's memories weren't being supressed. I knew what they did, how close he was, what she knew about the man's thoughts. I sighed.
"What?"
"I can't have Danger Gal overtly help, but I can offer funds, you've got two weeks before Tanaka is transferred to Japan. After that Yorinobu will have him in lockdown, even I won't be able to get in."
"I jump him while he's at the airport."
"Exactly, it will be in a private A.V, DangerGal can gather information, but physically we can't be seen going against Arasaka. I have spies, specialist operative's not soldiers."
"Catgirls."
"It's effective. It made sense, break the human shape, people won't make out a silhouette. I had to gather the army, I had an idea where to look as I readied my weapon, I didn't think that I'd ever have a chance to return to the afterlife. It was where I asked to be dropped off. All info went through Rogue, I just needed to remember that I had the money to pay her back, if only I hadn't dealt in favours. Money was safe, favours wasted time and were often more effort than the cash. A memory that wasn't mine knew better. Rogue was the type of woman that knew my services were worth more than simple scratch.

Author's note: Got to get my keyboard fixed.

I got the cyberpunk TTRPG and people to play it with. I've been DM'ing and something has been clear to me. I lack confidence. i've lacked confidence in Less than human for a while. Is Six likeable are they a good protagonist is Axle? a light in the darkness or is he annoying. Is Jade enough of a character? Am I giving too much detail? I don't give enough. I feel a bit like a teenage girl neurotically putting herself down ten years ago when we didn't have such a strong belief in body positivity. I then get rid of it all because I have no faith, end a campaign early or retry, or when it turns out bad never try again because I'm not used to failure.

I want to be perfectly clear, I am not depressed I am usually quite happy but when it comes to my creative works, I just feel like I lack something. I know the idea of a functional cyberpsycho is interesting, of an engram, the questions of our own humanity after we replace ourselves with metal, but I simply do not have the life experience to write a proper story based around it. Instead I feel this is the fiction of something I'd write when I was edgy and sixteen. It's been a year of sporadic uploads and me bearing my heart in these author's note's I want all of you who got this far to say thank you and I hope you're looking after yourself. In a world where we have put people like Elon Musk, Jefferey bezos and people on "the grindset" on a pedestal there is nothing more punk than self-care. All of you stay punk.