Chapter Seven

Self-Doubt

"Abigail, it's time to get moving. We're heading back to the walls." the Commander said as he rode up on his horse. "Understood, sir." I replied with a stern nod of the head. I had already secured Darren a spot on a medical wagon, and ensured he was as comfortable and safe as possible. Where I was located in the formation didn't give me much ruling over him, so I asked one of the other Scouts to keep an eye over his wellbeing. Just until we got back within the walls. Once we returned, I would look over him and try to find out more information about who he was so I could get ahold of his next-of-kin. His folks needed to know he was alive and that he needed to be cared for from there on out. Darren Willis was no longer able to be a soldier. Not anymore. His days as a Scout were over.

There was a lot of wounded this go-round and being as we weren't out of the woods yet, it was going to be a long trek back to Wall Rose. I was feeling worried about how we were going to make it safely back in one piece. Of course, there was no guarantee that any of us, especially the wounded, would make it back alive. But we were going to try. We had to try. I had asked Erwin if I could accompany the medical wagons (leaving the part of Darren out to not disclose my personal reasoning with wanting to ride along with the medical wagons), but my request was quickly denied. I was reminded of my duties as a Guardian Angel, and that was that.

The Commander had stayed tight-lipped about which squad he believed I would be a perfect fit for, but I continued to pray it was any other team by the Special Operations Squad. Even though they had the best reputation and highest regard amongst any other Survey Corps squad, they came off as rude, overly confident, and snarky. But what did I expect when their leader was the same way? Granted, Levi did have the credibility to pretty much act the way he wanted, being Humanity's Strongest Soldier. But still.

I wouldn't last a day in his squad. Even without the attitude. I could only imagine the physical parts of the training. I was already starting to feel the effects of my tangling with the Titans from earlier. I was definitely out of shape. I needed to get my ass out on the training course and out of the warehouse. Both my physical and mental capabilities were not ready for the harsh conditions of Captain Levi's sure training methods, and I wasn't about to put myself in that hell. Sure, I was a bona fide soldier of the Scouting Legion. But there were many battles that I couldn't win. Many scars I had from previous fights lost. And I wasn't about to add to my collection with Levi being the perpetrator.

"There you are. Thought you forgot where your post was." Levi commented as Dakota and I rode up. "No, sir. Was simply checking on something." I replied, taking my place next to Hange. "Oh, leave her alone, Levi. She's earned her Wings. Let her be." defended Hange. "Tch. Not yet. We still have to make it back to the walls alive." Levi replied. "It'll be fine. Trust me." Hange assured me with a smile. I nodded and looked at the back of the Commander's head. He was talking to Miche as they mapped out the course of travel. It'll be fine. Just listen for the Commander's orders. The medical wagons are protected. We have our Spotters. Jacob and his brothers have our backs. We should be okay. The long-range formation will be fine. We'll be home in no time at all.

Once everything had been decided and a route to the walls had been determined, we were on our way home. I kept turning back towards the rear, trying to see where exactly the medical wagons were placed. "Hey, Lewis! Eyes forward!" one of Levi's squad members called over. Gunther, I think his name was? "Mind your business!" I yelled back with a glare. Nonetheless, I turned back around and huffed. "If you're not gonna focus on your job as Commander Erwin's Guardian Angel, you need to say something." Levi added. I turned to him and glared. "Your job is to make sure our Commander doesn't die out here. He's our lifeline. If you don't think you can handle that, say it. If your head is somewhere else, then you have no business playing body guard."

"I'm fine!" I replied. "You sure about that? Because from over here, it looks like you're distracted by something in the rear of the formation. Your priority is in front of you. Keep your eyes forward. That's an order, Scout!" Levi said. I scoffed, but did as was told. Just do as you're told. Darren will be fine. Everything will be okay. Trust in the soldiers next to you. You'll be okay. Everything will be okay. Despite our loud bickering, the Commander never once turned around and silenced us or even chimed in. I'm assuming it was to see how we all got along. And I'm sure he wasn't impressed. And I wouldn't blame him. I never meshed well with others.

Even in grade school, I kept to myself because "I had a strong opinion", as my mother put it. In other words, I was a jerk. I'm not afraid to admit that now. It was a defense mechanism that I built because of my father. From an early age, my mother and brother weren't around much due to their obligations as Survey Corps members, so I was always with my father and his entourage. Meaning I was his source of bullied entertainment and harassment. I don't remember a single time that my father was kind to me, even from my earliest of childhood memories. My father never took kindly to me. It was always "you're never good enough" or "you need to do better" kind of attitude from him. But no matter what I did to please my father, I always fell short of his unattainable expectations.

The Cadet Corps didn't change me much either. Of course, I made few friends because of the teamwork aspect. Jacob and his brothers were some of the few who I got close too, even though the brothers graduated a few years prior to us. They understood my way of thinking, even though they didn't know my whole unfiltered story. They just knew the basics (troubled relationship with father, mother and brother killed in action). Hence why their own mother saw me as her own, even though I never met her in person. I felt like part of Jacob's family, even though I was still estranged from it.

I tended to keep people at a distance solely to avoid them from finding out who I really was. Anyone finding out my true heritage as a noblewoman and knowing I was actually married endangered my life as a Scout tremendously. I could lose everything. I could potentially lose my place in the Scout Regiment and be forced back to live in Wall Sina with my husband, whom I wanted no relation with. Both he and my father overlooked all my expenses and wealth, much to my disappointment.

But it was I who carried the family name and nobility. Without me, they were nothing. They were both married into the hierarchy. I wasn't. I was noble by blood. So at least I had one-upped them in that category. I think that's what scared them so much. If I were to die, they could potentially lose everything and die penniless. None of my assets were legally theirs. If I died, everything would go back to the government and split amongst the royals, excluding the company. Which I didn't mind. The only thing that I wanted was for the company to remain with the trainers. They deserved all the praise in the world. They were the real heroes, not my sadistic father or lousy husband. Not even me. I've lived twenty-seven years and I have done absolutely nothing with my life. I didn't deserve any praise or gratitude. I was just as bad as my husband and father.

Because of my secret double-life, Jacob was the only person I had let get as close as he had. Of course, not in a romantic level. He honestly preferred men over women, which of course didn't bother me in the least. I think Levi peeked his taste, but the Commander was the apple of his eye. In many instances, Jacob had tried getting me to venture into the dating scene and even settle down, as I was already in my late-twenties and passed the typical age to get married and start birthing children. But obviously, given the fact that he didn't know I was already married, me going out and linking up with someone wasn't an option. It would have been nice though, finding a nice young man to settle down with and have children. Wouldn't that be lovely?

But even if I did find someone even remotely attractive, who would find me beautiful? I had a boyish figure, I was thin and lanky, with stick-straight brunette hair. Ghostly-pale skin with a dark-dusting of freckles that I absolutely hated. Brown eyes that everyone else had, but mine seemed so dull compared to everyone else. Indeed, I was dull compared to every other girl I saw. I was nothing special. And it didn't help what my husband would tell me each and every time he saw me. And when he brought around his mistresses to my home in Wall Sina and bragged to me how beautiful they were, it only confirmed my own insecurities about myself. And I hated it. I hated being right sometimes, especially when it involved my own self-doubt.

"Titan spotted! Left flank! Seven o'clock!" someone from the rear called out. I turned back and saw a red flare stream across the sky. "Just one?" the Commander ask. "That's what it looks like." Levi replied. "Good. Let's keep going. It looks clear this way. The Spotters up ahead haven't ran into any trouble." Erwin replied. "Good girl, it's okay. We keep going." I soothed Dakota as I rubbed her neck. She had been such a trooper today, keeping calm despite all the extensive running and Titan-exposure. Dakota was definitely going to be pampered when we got home.

"Titans! All in the five-meter range! Coming in at our nine o'clock!" Eld called from behind. Red flares were shot off, alerting the rear guard. I looked to my left and sure enough, at least three Titans were approaching, from what I could tell through the heavily dense trees. Before given any orders, Levi's squad detached from the main formation and made their way towards the oncoming threat. "Eyes forward, Lewis." Erwin called from the front. "Yes sir." I replied, gripping the reins a little tighter than before. It'll all be okay. The medical wagons are fine. They're in the center of the formation, they are protected. They'll be okay.

As more and more flares began to taint the sky in ribbons of crimson, my own words of self-assurance began to fade. More Titans started to make their presence known, feeling our numbers and needing that acquired taste of human sustenance. Even though we had dwindling numbers compared to that morning, we were still a large force that gained a lot of attention. It wasn't going to be an easy trot home like I had prayed for. We were going to have to fight our way back.

"Sir, permission to aid in protecting the wagons." I asked, even though it sounded more demanding. "No, you stay where you are." Erwin replied. I scowled at his selfish response. "You're forgetting our agreement, Lewis. You need to stay out of harm's way. I won't be able to explain to your beneficiary's why you were hurt or killed in action when you weren't supposed to be out here in the first place. Stay put."

I sighed and continued to face forward. The Commander was right, even though I hated to admit it. Despite my wanting to assist, I had really no other choice. Was I selfish to wanting to protect my own hide in this situation? I struggled with that answer. I didn't know what to do. What felt like a bucket of ice-cold water splash on me and chill me to the bone seemed to overtake me. My breathing hitched in my throat and got caught in my windpipe. Despite the blockage in my airway, I couldn't cough it up. "Trouble in the rear! The medical wagons need assistance!"