Eloise stumbled out of the grove with all of the grace of a newborn giraffe. A beastly description was appropriate, for indeed her flight or fight instinct had been activated, only in this moment she could neither fly away nor fight off the crashing of her heartbeat in her ears.
"God blast the Queen," she cursed as her legs failed her, her knees planting into the dirt along with her dress and gloved hands. Hands that just a minute ago were buried in the frills around Cressida Cowper's waist whilst they… whilst they…!
"Eloise, wait," a voice from the grove followed her. Eloise scrambled up and she made the most haste towards the carriages. The cover of night was her only saving grace from the prying eyes of the Ton just meters away, aglow with candlelight and music of the latest ball. They were too self involved to realize an eligible Bridgerton girl fleeing the scene. Except for a few keen eyes.
The help was understandably flummoxed when Eloise appeared, dirty and more frazzled than ever, demanding to be taken home at once.
Now, Eloise never quite understood the impulse of ladies dramatically fainting upon the nearest chaise lounge, the back of their hand touching their forehead in the most delicate fashion. "Ugh, I hate the 'hysterical fragile woman' trope. Quite unrealistic," Eloise would complain as she rolled her eyes whenever the concept popped up in a book she was reading.
However at this moment Eloise understood it perfectly well as she collapsed heavily into the drawing room settee the moment she got back home. Two maids fussed over her, one fanning her clearly flushed face while the other shoved a glass of water into her hands, which Eloise chugged at like a woman possessed. The whole scene was rather unladylike when Eloise was the one performing the theatrics. Though no matter how much she drank, she couldn't seem to get rid of the taste of Cressida's lip tint out of her mouth.
She groaned at the thought. She had been groaning the whole ride over, perhaps she really was perishing, or simply out of her mind. She must've been, for what could have possibly possessed her to do such outrageous actions?
"Enough fussing, can't a woman have a meltdown in peace?" Eloise snatched the fan from her maids hand to bat it frantically at her face. Good Heavens, will she ever cool down? Once again images flashed through her mind, mouths slotted together, shared gasps, a touch of tongues. Eloise covered her face with her hands and fought the urge to scream. If she wasn't boiling already, surely the steam rising from her head could prepare a fresh batch of tea.
"What have I done?"
It had all happened so quickly. One moment, they were ducking away from Cressida's father's watchful gaze, and their hands found each others, giggling as they stole away out of sight into the nearby next it was all too quiet as the music receded, their gazes met too long and the giggles subsided. The moonlight their only chaperone as the silence brimmed with anticipation. In anticipation of what, Eloise could never have fathomed.
Her name fell from Cressida's lips in a whisper, her hand was tugged, and Eloise could only mutter a surprised "Oh, hm, what?" when Cressida brushed her lips lightly over her cheek. She had stood there, dumbfounded, as if struck by lightning, not a single coherent thought in her head as Cressida pulled back, searching her face. So very rarely was Eloise left speechless, it must have been unnerving to Cressida, who lowered her eyes and clenched her jaw, light dimming from her face as she muttered about getting back to the party before her parents noticed she was gone.
Only Eloise did not allow her to leave. Her body, apparently with a mind and will all of its own- which was saying something because she thought her mind and will triumphed over everything in its path- pulled Cressida back so hard their fronts pressed together. It appeared her foot in mouth disease extended to her actions as well. Except now it was mouth-on-mouth disease. Because why else would she tug Cressida Cowper back into her to reciprocate her earlier gesture with one of her very own- pressing her lips firmly against the taller woman's mouth, greedily swallowing her gasp and chasing for more. They had melted into it, Cressida's hands winding about her shoulders and Eloise winding her own around Cressida's lean waist.
It was unlike anything Eloise had ever felt before. It was like she had been starved her entire life and now she finally had a taste of a meal for the first time in her life. Which was utterly ridiculous, as a Bridgerton she had never gone hungry, and yet here she was, devouring her dear friend raw, just meters away from a ball. It was exhilarating. It was liberating.
It was utterly, spectacularly terrifying.
Atlas himself must've dropped the world from his shoulders and accidentally kicked it when he stooped to fetch it back up. The world was now irrevocably different.
Eloise had ripped herself away from Cressida as though burned. Her once empty mind raced with an onslaught of thoughts and warring emotions she couldn't make sense of. But the emotion that ended up gripping her rib cage was that of crippling fear.
And she simply… Left. She left Cressida alone in the grove, ravished and possibly heartbroken because of her actions. How would she ever face her friend again? How could she possibly take responsibility for her actions? All of her questions spun around in her mind with no end in sight.
This time she really did scream into her hands.
That was how Lady Bridgerton came upon Eloise later in the evening. Collapsed upon their settee, one hand dabbing her forehead with a handkerchief, the other shoving yet another pastry past her gullet.
"Eloise, what on earth is going on? The footman reported you suddenly came down with an unexpected illness at the ball."
"It is true, Mother, I have become extremely unwell. In fact, I may have gone mad with fever. That is the only explanation, I fear." Eloise declared around a mouthful of pastry.
"Only explanation for what, my dear?" Violet felt Eloise's forehead for fever.
"For," Eloise blinked away mortifying tears from her eyes. "For having a talent to ruin good things."
"Oh Eloise," Violet sat next to her daughter, agonized over seeing her daughter so distressed. "What happened?"
Eloise swallowed down her desire to spill everything, her shame overwhelming her. But she knew she could never breathe a word of this to anyone. The ruin it would bring would surely destroy not only her family's reputation, and what would happen to Cressida? She thought of her once dear friend, Penelope, who she used to speak with freely and without filter. Would she have spilled this secret to Penelope once upon a time, before she knew the truth? Would Penelope in turn publish those secrets in her stupid pamphlet? And now, now a second friendship could possibly be lost forever.
"Nothing happened," Eloise reigned in a bitter tear. "But do you think Anthony will take me out back and shoot me if I ask nicely?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Violet gathered Eloise into her arms. "You know you can tell me anything, darling."
"I know, Mama." Eloise denied herself tears in the face of her mother's concern, pivoting to jest as she usually did. "But I do not wish to send you to an early grave."
"Trust me, you are not the only child of mind pushing me towards death," Violet jested right back, earning a snort from Eloise. "However, I cannot die until I know every one of my children are happy and taken care of. You are so strong, Eloise. Don't forget that."
Eloise wanted to argue. Just mere hours ago she had pride in the strength of her independent mind. But now, as she thought of the anguished look on Cressida's face when she turned tail and ran, now she was convinced she was a hypocrite and a coward. The opportunity to be truly radical presented itself, and all she could think about was what society would think.
How foolish of her. What utter humiliation to her pride.
She lay in bed that night, miserable, confused, and her heart never stopped pounding once. Whatever sleep she could snatch was plagued by memories of what it felt like to have fingers brush her bare skin.