Even with a time limit, silence filled up the atmosphere the moment the horses started pulling the carriage along. Eloise stared holes into the side of Cressida's well manicured head whilst the blonde steadfastly kept her eyes on the scenery.
Eloise decided to kick things up. "Care to explain why you decided to pick a fight at this ungodly hour, and in front of my mother of all people?"
Cressida finally turned to her, angrier than ever. "I beg your pardon?"
"Did you even sleep? Or did you wait outside the doors all night to jump me?"
"Of course I did not sleep," Cressida snapped. "You have some nerve, Miss Bridgerton -" Eloise flinched back from the way Cressida spat out her name. "And I simply cannot believe I was so naive to think you would be able to handle this situation with a curmudgeon of decorum or decency!"
Eloise gawped under the acute onslaught, but she was never one to just sit there without saying her piece. "Well, it is difficult to fathom the correct form of handling this ," she waved between them erratically. "When you yourself are not being a shining example of a young woman of dignity!"
Cressida's scoff was razor-edged. "You know, I've experienced many a rejection in my lifetime, and I didn't think any could top your public rejection of my friendship last season, but I was wrong. Last night was definitely the most severe of them all. So forgive me for making it clear that I also reject you right back!"
"Rejection? Now wait just a moment! You cannot possibly presume to know my intentions when not even I know what my intentions are!" Eloise was so restless she went from sitting across from Cressida to sitting next to her. The other woman shrank away from her as though she was some sort of creature.
"I may not be as well read as you, but I can certainly read between the lines." Cressida's dejection presented itself barbed.
"I don't even know what book we are even reading!" Eloise exclaimed in frustration.
Cressida sniffed and resumed to stare pointedly out the window. Her throat bobbed in a swallow, a motion that begged for Eloise's gaze on her neck once more. What was wrong with her? She's seen that décolletage a hundred times before, but it somehow was much more fascinating at this moment.
She also noted that while Cressida seemed resolute in her mission to ignore her existence for the rest of the carriage ride, she sniffed again and the muscles in her ridiculously refined cheek bones flexed with the effort to keep cool and collected. It made Eloise check her own frustrations and qualms. Despite recent revelations, she knew Cressida Cowper, and she knew she was hurt and defensive and lashing out. Eloise recognized she needed to stop thinking of her own storm of emotions and settle her friend's first and foremost. She could not stand to see Cressida hurt and outraged a moment longer.
Eloise huffed in remorse, and she reached out to take Cressida's hand between both of hers. "Look… I've hurt you on many a level, and I am deeply, truly sorry," Eloise implored with as much sincerity as she could, prompting Cressida to glance sideways at her with damp eyes. "I wasn't lying when I said I was overwhelmed. And at a total loss, to be honest." In her haste this morning, she had forgotten her gloves. It allowed her to feel the detailed stitching on Cressida's lovely gloves as she rubbed soothing circles against the top of her hand.
"I suppose if I were a man, I would, of course, take your hand and accept responsibility for my carelessness, but alas," Eloise blew a breath, ruffling her fringe. "I have no idea what rules apply here."
Cressida turned her gaze ahead, but her voice was softer now when she responded. "Since when have you been concerned with the rules of high society?"
"Probably since I've been trying to find my place within it," Eloise said with a deep sigh. "As loath as I am to admit that."
Cressida stared thoughtfully ahead, as if it was too difficult to look at Eloise. "Isn't it amusing how we spent so much time reminiscing about how much better off we would be as men, and yet we fall prey to the same scandals as they do?"
"Miss Cowper, are you insinuating I'm no better than a man?" Eloise had that glint in her eye, not being able to help herself.
Cressida's hand, previously stiff between Eloise's fingers, flexed hesitantly as she just nearly intertwined their fingers together but not quite. "I much prefer you to any man, Miss Bridgerton," the words born of a hushed, shy whisper, coupled with the soft bloom of pink across her delicate cheeks and neck, affected Eloise rather thunderously in disproportion. Her heart rate spiked and she stared into the side of Cressida's head with incredulous wonder. Eloise would've never described Cressida as adorable in the past. Striking, beautiful, statuesque, of course, but adorable? And yet here she was, plain as day, the most adorable thing Eloise had ever laid eyes on.
"As… as a woman, you mean?" Eloise ventured, a million questions crowding her tongue, but this one seemed the most important. "These… feelings. Is it because you prefer a woman to a man?"
Cressida finally looked at her, face full of mortification at the question. "Must you so brazenly ask about my personal peculiarities?"
"I'm just trying to understand. I'm… curious." Curious was an understatement. She wanted to know everything. It was like discovering books for the first time, and she was starving to fill her head with new knowledge.
"Your curiosity may be our downfall."
"If you do not tell me, I will simply use my imagination," Eloise threatened teasingly. "And you know my imaginations can run rampant."
"I doubt your imagination runs faster than your legs," Cressida teased right back, this time without hostility. A smile threatened to appear on her face and it made Eloise laugh in delight.
"You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"
"I cannot outrun that accusation."
"You mock me, Miss Cowper." Eloise nudged Cressida with her elbow, scooting closer to her on the seat now that she didn't seem as angry. "Though it is quite deserved in this case. I simply must apologize, again. How I reacted last night was appalling. Not only did I trample on your honor and dignity, I hurt you. That was foolish of me, and I understand your anger with me. If you do not wish to answer my questions, I will understand." She squeezed the hand in her grasp, hoping beyond hope that Cressida would open up to her more.
Cressida was quiet for a minute, staring down at their joined hands in contemplation.
"I suppose… I have always felt… jealous… of you and Penelope." Cressida spoke hesitantly under Eloise's rapt attention. "Though I did not understand why for a long time. Other ladies have plagued my mind before, and I've always thought it the excitement of competition. More so than men, I wanted to plague the minds of other ladies in kind, since they plagued me so. But I never allowed myself to get close to any of them. Until you," their eyes met. "And your bizarre charm. I'm not accustomed to having a friend like you, and I suspect that I let my guard down. That was a mistake on my part. I let my elation get the better of me and dragged you down." She sighed through her nose, remorseful. "I assure you it won't happen again."
"You seem to forget that it was I who- who kissed you." Eloise trailed off, admitting it out loud making her hot. She wished she had brought her fan with her, as if it would help with the heat in her face.
"But it was my wicked influence that invited it, therefore the responsibility is mine."
"What?" If someone had told Eloise a year ago that she would be looking at Cressida as though she held the secrets to the world, she would have laughed in their face. "How long have you felt like this?"
Cressida shook her head. "I may have always have." She whispered.
"You mean to tell me you've been living with this feeling for that long?" Her hand rubbed at her chest over the burning in her heart. "I've only just discovered this, and I feel suffocated. It's driving me mad." They stared at each other with mutual madness until Cressida pulled her hand away from Eloise.
"Then it is for the best that we shelve this matter and move on."
"Huh?" Eloise replied with intelligence and wit.
Cressida grimaced at the utter confusion directed at her. "Let us forget anything untoward has happened between us."
"Forget? You want me to forget ?" Eloise replied incredulously. "You may as well ask me to forget that I've grown an extra limb!" It was true, Eloise felt like a dog that just discovered its tail for the first time, spinning itself dizzy chasing after it.
"I won't insult your intelligence-"
"You sound tempted to," Eloise grumbled.
"You know the ruin that would befall us if news of these… unnatural actions got out."
The thought humbled Eloise. "I know that."
"You might survive the onslaught of judgment because you have your family to fall back on. I don't have that privilege." Cressida seemed to shrink into her sleeves. "If my father ever caught wind of this… You may never see me again. I would likely be cheaply sold off to the first rat who doesn't mind that I am damaged goods." That reality of her words clearly haunted her. "He already sees me as a failure of a daughter. If he knew, he would rather bury me than let me set foot in society again." A tear threatened to escape her and Cressida quickly wiped it away, holding herself together.
Eloise felt so small and helpless watching Cressida sound so sad. "I understand, and I would never breathe a word of this to anyone," Eloise said begrudgingly. "But you cannot ask me to forget."
Cressida blanched in fear. "You must forget." She turned to Eloise more fully in her seat, bringing their knees together.
"That is quite impossible, I'm afraid," Eloise asserted, only thinking of how she would like to hike up their dresses so that their knees could touch more. And maybe other body parts. Someone was going to check her into the local asylum if she continued down this path.
Cressida was in clear disbelief. "You said it yourself, it is driving you mad." She searched her face, only finding determination in Eloise's blue eyes. It made Cressida flounder and reach for a solution. "If separation would help, then perhaps we should no longer be friends," she concluded as though the thought brought her misery.
Eloise's posture snapped upright at the suggestion. "I would rather die," Eloise declared, so much like the way she did last year when she rejected the friendship she now values. Now her conviction was on the blonde's behalf and Cressida was shocked into silence.
"Against all odds, I would rather die than lose your friendship, Cressida Cowper. To be frank, I've grown to need you in my life. I could not bear being paraded around this ridiculous marriage mart without you, and I don't want this to jeopardize that." Eloise took a breath, as she had gotten all her words out without losing her nerve. "I simply do not see why our lapse in judgment cannot coexist alongside our friendship."
Cressida's eyebrows went up as high as Eloise had ever seen them. Eloise barreled on in her ramble before Cressida could convince her otherwise. "You see, I find myself growing fond of our little moment in the grove, however embarrassing my conduct was. I should like to keep it close to my heart. As a 'Bridgerton' ," she said her family name with exaggerated whimsy. "I need these memories to sustain me during lonely nights, I should fear. For when one's mind wanders… If you would not mind, of course." Eloise, who started her dialogue so confidently, ended her rant with a request so bold she could barely speak due to the rush of blood to her head. She tried not to make her heaving so dramatic as Cressida observed her with wide disbelieving eyes.
"I don't know whether you're being serious or not," Cressida said slowly as she absorbed her words.
Eloise fanned herself with her hand. "Come now, I am the most serious, level headed person you know." Cressida made a face. "Or at least, you know that I don't say things that I don't mean."
"Wait." Cressida canted her head, considering Eloise with a fresh set of eyes. "So you are not rejecting me?"
Eloise let out an unladylike laugh of disbelief. "That's what I've been trying to tell you, good Heavens!" Though even as she said, she herself realized what she was implying. Everything between them was perfectly mutual.
"Oh." Cressida shook her head slowly, though her face shone with some unknown emotion. "You Bridgertons really are such greedy creatures."
Eloise was still recovering her ability to speak, so she spoke in throaty whispers "If we cannot allow ourselves to give in to these urges, at least allow me to revisit them in private. I simply cannot unlearn something so fascinating."
"And do I fascinate you, Eloise Bridgerton?" Eloise would pay Cressida cash money to say her name like that repeatedly into her ear.
"Alarmingly so." The flirtatious tilt of their words was dangerous, and yet addicting.
Her musings were cut short when the carriage lurched to a stop.
"Christ alive, must your horses be so fast?" Eloise complained as she smoothed out the front of her dress. Was she ever going to not be out of breath? She doubted it.
"It appears our time has run out," Cressida solemnly said, remiss for Eloise to leave their little bubble.
"Most unfortunate." Eloise reluctantly reached for the carriage handle to exit. It felt as though there was still so much more to discuss. She's gotten some crumbs of answers, and it left her hungrier for more. She really was greedy. The carriage door swung open to reveal the Bridgerton home, and Eloise moved to depart.
"Eloise."
One foot on a step, and Eloise paused once Cressida finally uttered her first name and she turned around, face full of hope.
Cressida held her gaze, measuring her sincerity. Eloise could finally see the soft edges in the way her eyes shined when she looked at her. It made her heart stutter. "I don't mind." she finally whispered, tips of her ears going pink and her eyes at half mast. "I don't mind you thinking about me in that way. From time to time. As long as you grant me permission to do the same."
Eloise was going to faint. She was going to fall right out of this carriage headfirst and break her neck. Eloise Bridgerton, death by swooning over another woman, her gravestone would say.
"Well. That's settled then." Eloise coughed, blushing harder, and took another step down. "I look forward to the rest of, of your friendship."
"Likewise."
"And," Eloise ignored the hand the footman was offering her to help her down. "And I shall call on you tonight. In my… In my dreams." She attempted a wink like she's seen her brothers do, and immediately regretted it. Christ alive, was she awkward at this, but Cressida's eyes crinkled in amusement as she grinned, and suddenly it was worth it to humiliate herself to make Cressida laugh.
"Miss Bridgerton, you really are no better than a man," Cressida said with a shake of her head, despite appearing most pleased with Eloise's antics.
"You enjoy it, I'm sure." She was sure the footman was annoyed with her at the snail's pace she was descending this carriage. "You're scary when you're angry, you know that?"
Cressida hummed, self satisfied. "I do know."
Eloise finally finished her descent, and she watched until Cressida's carriage rolled away until it turned the corner and out of sight. And then she stood there some more, a silly dreamy grin settling on her lips.
"Miss Bridgerton?" her lady's maid disrupted her thoughts. "Shall we head inside?"
"In a moment," Eloise responded, taking the deepest of breaths. "I am enjoying the fresh air."