Remus sat against the headboard on his and Tonks bed, early that fall morning. It felt like September had arrived so quickly as the closely approaching autumn winds blew outside, rattling their window panes.
But, Remus and Tonks also rarely left the house anymore, the days all felt like they were starting to blend together now. They had decided it would be safer for her especially to remain hidden as much as possible with Bellatrix so determined to kill her.
He knew once and for all how James had felt cooped up in the house all those months he was in hiding with Lily and Harry. He often found himself pacing the house, just as James once had.
This morning he was reading a book about wizarding pregnancies that Tonks had been given by Ashlee a few days before.
She had come by to check in on Tonks, or at least that was what she'd said. However, Remus was pretty sure she came by to make sure he was still there. She gave them several helpful books though, which Remus was at least grateful for. She also gave him a few more months of polyjuice potion too.
He had found learning about his wife's pregnancy and their future baby from a book to be easier to digest and he found it gave him a bit less anxiety.
But, it was his baby too, he'd need to learn about pregnancy, and parenting and all the other things that came along with parenting wizard children.
He had attempted to try to put any concern about his child having lycanthropy or dying out of his mind as much as he could help it. But, he often found the fear and terror of that thought creeping back into his brain.
It had been three weeks since the full moon and Tonks had felt well most of the days since, besides occasional tiredness which was comforting.
Tonks was about 9 weeks pregnant now. It said in the book he was reading that his son was the size of a juvenile mandrake leaf.
Remus looked over at his wife, she was resting peacefully still and hadn't yet stirred.
He was happy that they had started to take steps towards mending their relationship over the past few weeks and he had been glad to spend so much time with her, regardless if they had been cooped up in their flat.
His sighed audibly as he finished up the chapter he was reading in his book and set it aside. He readjusted the blanket over Tonks and she stirred just slightly.
She opened her eyes slowly and looked up at him.
"Good morning. I'm sorry if I woke you." Remus told her quietly.
She shook her head, before propping herself up just slightly.
"no, you're all right. You didn't." She told him.
The book on his nightstand.
" how's the book coming?" Tonks asked.
"It's interesting." Remus said casually, giving nothing away.
Tonks tried to gauge his interest.
"Hhm? Well, maybe after I'm done with mine, we can swap?." Tonks asked.
Remus nodded, but didn't say much.
"you okay?" She asked.
Remus looked at her a little oddly.
"I feel like I should be asking you that?" Remus mused.
Tonks chuckled a little bit. "You ask me that all the time it was my turn this time." she quipped.
"Ahh. I see. To answer you, yes I'm okay. I'm great in fact, because I'm here with you." Remus told her truthfully.
And it was the truth. She was the only person he'd want to be locked in an apartment with.
Tonks leaned over and kissed him passionately.
Remus pulled back after a few seconds, slightly surprised at her enthusiasm.
She chuckled a little and kissed him again.
"Pregnant people are allowed to want sex too, ya know." She whispered.
She sat on his lap, straddling him.
"Is that safe?" He asked uncertainly.
Tonks nodded.
"Oh." He said.
She kissed him again, it was slightly against his better judgement but he obliged quickly, giving her what she wanted.
A little while later, Tonks naked back was pressed up against the front of Remus. He held her as they quietly talked.
"That was okay, right?" Remus asked.
Tonks chuckled a little. "Yeah, it was just alright., though." She joked, elbowing him playfully.
Remus chuckled.
"I didn't phrase that too well. Ha" Remus admitted.
"Yeah, you set yourself up with that one." Tonks rubbed it in.
Remus had one hand wrapped underneath her, holding her, and the other was lying on her hip.
"I just meant, i worried you were still angry with me." He explained, caressing her stomach with his thumb, absentmindedly.
"I am angry with you still, sometimes" she admitted quietly.
Remus sighed just a little.
"I understand." Remus said.
"A-are you excited to be his dad?" She asked him, quite hesitantly. She traced her fingers over his hand caressing her stomach.
He instinctively pulled his hand away from her stomach ever so slightly, he hadn't meant to touch her like that. He hadn't meant anything by it. He suddenly felt anxiety.
Tonks replied before he could speak or reply meaningfully.
"You know, that's your baby in there, the one you just recoiled from." She said sternly, quickly turning around to look at him.
she shot him a disgusted look.
She sat up quickly, recoiling from him now. She suddenly felt fiercely protective of her son again.
Remus looked hurt though.
"Dora, I didn't mean - I'm sorry." Remus said, unsure what to say.
"Whatever, Remus." Tonks said,before getting up and retreating into the bathroom.
Remus was left laying their bed staring up at the ceiling. Loathing himself to his very core.
later on, once he was sure Tonks had calmed down a bit, he made a recommendation he hoped she would agree with.
"I think we may need to tell The Order about the baby. Or, at least Kingsley. We are probably getting new assignments soon and he'll need to know we are both stepping back from the order for now." he suggested.
Tonks shot him a furtive look. Clearly perplexed.
"I didn't realize you were also stepping back?" She asked.
"Well not entirely. But I've considered not going on long trips or doing anything too " Remus explained.
Tonks nodded, seeming like she might have been warning back up to him a little bit.
"Kingsley has been practically underground hasn't he?" Tonks asked.
Remus murmured his agreement.
"Mmh, he has been since his close call last week. But he should still be at the meeting." Remus explained, "he runs it." Remus mused.
That week the news had spread far and wide that the ministry and the death eaters had put a jinx on the word Voldemort anyone who said it potentially be open themselves up to attack.
Kingsley had learned this the hard way just a few nights previously.
Kingsley had been at Ashlee's house when they arrived though.
"Oh, I've been hiding out here. Thankfully Ashlee has enough space to allow me to stay for a bit." Kingsley explained.
Remus asked for a few minutes of Kingsley's time before the start of the meeting. He decided just to come clean and tell him truthfully.
Kingsley had been respectfully at the news and was all business. Which Remus appreciated.
"I may still need your help with this though occasionally, you've one of our best members." Kingsley whispered.
"Of course, I'm certainly still devoted to the cause. I just can't leave for days at a time or anything like that."
Kingsley respected this, nodding.
"Soon, I may have a task I need assistance with close to home. It wouldn't be very risky?" Kingsley attempted to gauge his interest.
Remus nodded.
"I'm sure I could help, just let me know." Remus said.
"My owl knows where to find you." Kingsley told him in his deep voice.
Remus nodded and together they joined the meeting.
Telling The Order hadn't gone too horribly. Kingsley had announced it to the group at the very end of the meeting, explaining they wouldn't be as active with missions going forward. Everyone understood and several people even congratulated them.
He was certain some likely judged them though. Mundungus had practically fallen out of his chair when he had heard the news.
Not that Remus really believed a man like Mundungus was in any position to judge him or his family.
Molly had done a great job acting like she had been none the wiser about the news. Which Remus appreciated.
She fawned over Tonks the second the meeting was over.
They were in the kitchen of Ashlee's manor house, chatting, while Remus and Kingsley spoke off in a distant corner.
"I expect some pictures of this little cutie soon." Molly scolded Tonks, pointing at her belly.
"Oh, I will bring the one we have to the next meeting, for you to see." Tonks promised.
At this, Molly beamed.
Molly whispered quietly for only her to hear.
"I hope everything is going okay?" Molly mused, hesitantly.
Tonks assured her everything had been alright.
"These have been going alright. I feel pretty good too." Tonks explained.
"Oh good." Molly laughed. "I was so sickly when I was pregnant with Bill. I threw up I don't even know how many times."
"Well, I've mostly avoided that so far, thankfully."
"I'm assuming you know if it's a boy or girl?" Molly mused excitedly..
Tonks nodded. "Mmh. It's a boy."
Molly practically squealed in excitement, and Ashlee smiled.
"Congratulations." Molly hugged her.
"Having a son is an amazing blessing." Molly assured her.
Tonks smiled, hugging her back.
"Just don't say anything yet to anyone else. Our families don't know yet." Tonks asked quietly, so only Molly and Ashlee heard her.
Mollys brow furrowed slightly at this, but she agreed to not say anything.
"Of course not, not our secret to tell." Ashlee also agreed.
Molly, Tonks, and Ashlee chatted a little longer and Tonks promised again to bring a photo to show Molly, and Ashlee agreed to help Tonks with the rest of her pregnancy.
Molly had been surprised to learn Ashlee had been a Midwife in Africa during her travels after Hogwarts.
But soon, everyone left. Including Remus and Tonks.
Later, once they were back at home, Remus felt like he needed to clear the air with Tonks.
Tonks was sipping juice on the sofa, listening to the WWN from their small radio.
"No real news as usual. They aren't even telling people about the jinx or anything" Tonks grumbled.
"I know. Everyone is terrified of retaliation if they dare smear the name of the Dark Lord." Remus added.
Tonks just nodded, and turned the volume all the way down.
Remus decided now was as good a time as any.
He cough slightly, clearing his throat.
"I just want to clarify. I was just overwhelmed earlier, I'm just afraid." He said. He was coming clean.
The most negative part of his self-conscious growled in extreme disapproval at this admission but at that moment he didn't care.
" I do want to be his father. I want to be excited. I do." He tried to reassure her.
His subconscious roaring once more in utter outrage and frustration at himself.
She just nodded solemnly.
But, Remus was concerned she didn't believe him. He wouldn't have blamed her either. He'd been a total ass.