Sorry for the late update folks. I write when my crotch goblins have gone to bed but it also means that I am exhausted. So there was a little bit more editing needed from all the sleep typing. And then the characters took over this chapter like Alice had possessed them and almost 8k words later, here we are.

The song for this chapter is Holding On by The Piano Guys.

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Disclaimer: I'm only doing this for a friend. I don't get anything from it but her undying appreciation. I certainly don't get to have fun with Emmett and the boys in my head.

Chapter Seventeen: Holding On

CPOV

"Can I get you more tiramisu, Bella," Esme asked from across the table. Bella groaned.

"I think if I ate another bite I might explode," she said with a groan.

"Why don't we go turn on a movie," Alice suggested. We all stood up and Bella started gathering the dishes near her.

"No need for that," I said with a smile. She looked up at me and I placed a hand on her shoulder, gently guiding her away from the table and out of the dining room. Her skin was deliciously warm against mine, her scent billowing around me until I felt half intoxicated. "Esme and I will clean up. You just relax so that you don't explode and we have to clean you up." She sighed gratefully and followed Alice and the others to the small theater room off the family room. I turned back and began to help Esme clear the table. We moved at human pace, gathering dishes and cutlery.

"We should talk, Carlisle," Esme said a few moments in.

"Of course, my dear. What would you like to talk about?"

"Bella." I paused and shot her a look heavy with warning.

"Esme, I have Alice and your husband pestering me daily about this. Are you really going to be at odds with me as well?"

"Relax, Carlisle, I have no interest in pestering you or fighting with you." I relaxed infetismally. "But you and I have known each other a long time. Whether we are pretending to be siblings or spouses, we have been partners. As such, I feel like we can talk openly about this. I'm not trying to push an agenda on you, although I have my opinions and I won't apologize for them. I just feel like it would be beneficial for you to talk this through with someone who doesn't have an agenda." I smiled softly at her as we carried everything into the kitchen. "So tell me, Carlisle; how are you really doing?" I placed my pile of dishes in the sink and then leaned against the counter, folding my arms over my chest as I considered her question.

"It's hard, not giving in to the overwhelming compulsions I feel. I constantly feel like I am at war with myself. On the one hand, I know that, logically, it is better for Bella if I don't pursue her romantically. She's young and has her whole life ahead of her. I know the reasons why it can't happen."

"And the other hand," she asked knowingly. I ran a hand through my hair in frustration.

"On the other hand, I crave her. Not her blood, like Edward does, but her. I find myself wanting nothing more than to be near her, to hear her voice, ask her questions, puzzle at the way her mind must work. When I see her, I want nothing more than to sweep her into my arms and lose myself in her for eternity! It is maddening!" She placed a hand on my back and leaned against my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "That sounds like a terrible struggle to deal with."

"It doesn't help that Edward and Alice are so actively trying to force us together."

"No, it doesn't. I think that they have made their decisions on what they feel would be best and act accordingly."

"It's not their decision to make," I said shortly.

"I know," she placated, rubbing my back lightly. "But just like you have your perspective, they also have theirs. You're worried that if you pursue Bella, you will be forced to change her and that changing could lead to her resenting you for eternity and possibly also damning her, correct?" I nodded silently. "Where do you think those hangups come from, Carlisle?"

"I wouldn't call them 'hangups'," I muttered irritably but she just waited serenely for me to answer her question. I sighed deeply, the ache in my chest that I felt whenever I recalled my human life flaring to life. "My father," I muttered finally. "And possibly Rosalie."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Carlisle. Your beliefs and perception are painted by your experiences. Your father was an intolerant man who tried to imbue you with his ideas and beliefs. Your father persecuted and murdered innocent people in the name of religious fervor. But you have lived a life, Carlisle. You know he was wrong and several centuries later, I'd like to think you have an even clearer picture of what the world is really like. We have seen the miracles of religion but we have also seen the heartbreaking tragedy of what men like your father have compelled people to do. You are not your father. And his beliefs should remain just that: his." I looked at her sadly.

"I believe in God, Esme. And everything I have ever read tells me that we are abominations of the worst kind. What kind of afterlife waits for the undead?"

"For those of our kind who have murdered and tormented, perhaps. But I was raised Christian too and everything I ever learned about God was that it doesn't matter how badly you have sinned, so long as you repent. You can't help what you are. You won't end up in the afterlife to find that you've already been judged based solely on what you are and not who you are. And while we're on the subject, do I need to be worried about you?" She pressed her hands to her hips.

"Why would you need to be worried about me," I asked, baffled.

"You've spent more time in the last month talking about death and what happens after we die than you have the entire time I've known you, Carlisle Cullen. I hope you aren't thinking about doing anything rash." I took her hands in mine and squeezed them.

"I promise that I have no intentions of going anywhere. I have merely considered this decision for both its short term consequences and its long term."

"Alright. Let's talk about that. You mentioned Rosalie and I think you should know that Rosalie in no way resents what you did for her." I pinned her with a derisive look. "She was at first. In the beginning, after she had her revenge. But after that was over and she was finally forced to think about what she now was, yes, she had some resentment. She thought she'd just have to live with the memory of what happened to her forever. She never expected to find Emmett and truth be told, she hadn't processed what happened to her. It was so much easier to focus on the picture perfect life she had envisioned for herself than to think about the betrayal that happened when her fiance allowed his friends and himself to treat her like expendable garbage."

"That may be true but I hardly gave any of you a choice and I certainly can't give Bella the choice because in order to make an educated choice, I would have to disclose what we are. She would either run in terror, thus requiring the Volturi to step in or she would choose immortality and…" I trailed off, the deep insecurities that I rarely had to acknowledge rising to the surface, filling me with panic.

"And," Esme prompted.

"And she would grow to regret her decision. She'd leave," I whispered and I heard Esme's sudden intake of air.

"I realize now that Edward and I are the reason that you believe that it is possible," she said sadly. "We should haven't left you alone."

"I would certainly never force you to stay," I argued but she shushed me.

"This isn't a normal coven, Carlisle. It's not an autonomous collective that comes and goes as they please. This is a family that you made. When we left, we were leaving you. And I am so sorry that we did, that I didn't try to stay in touch more. It wasn't easy. Edward… well, he still has a lot of regrets about what he did. He's allowing those regrets to drive his need to ensure that you end up happy." I opened my mouth to argue that I was happy but she placed her hand on my mouth, silencing me. "I know you say you are happy. And I don't doubt that you have found peace in the way your life has turned out. But Edward thinks that it's not true, or at the very least not fulfilling. He's driven by the guilt he carries because even if I don't know the extent of the hurt you've suffered, he does. And he blames himself for some of that pain."

"Regardless, it isn't his decision to make. It certainly isn't his life that he's playing God with." She cocked an eyebrow at me.

"You say that you don't want to take Bella's agency away from her. But by choosing not to pursue a relationship with her, aren't you already stealing her agency away?" I stilled as the question swirled around my already chaotic mind.

She was right.

I was making the decision for Bella, the same as I would be if I were changing her. The difference was that this decision felt like I was risking less, had less to lose. Of course I would lose her. That was almost enough to deter me from my course. But wasn't it better to walk away from her without breaking her heart than it would be if I changed her and she decided to leave, shattering the eternity we were supposed to spend together along with my heart?

I was just trying to protect myself from having my heart broken, being rejected, and claimed it was in the name of her own protection. She did have her whole life ahead of her.

Unless she was in a fatal car accident.

Or she tripped and fell and instead of just some broken limbs, it was her neck or her head.

Or she injured herself around Edward and he couldn't resist the call of her blood, so easily available.

What if she trusted the wrong person with her heart and it only resulted in heartache and pain?

The truth of human life was that it was unpredictable. Murderers lived well into old age. Children were lost to illness and injury. What if Bella was preyed upon by the kind of men that Edward had killed during his rebellious absence?

"You're right," I sighed. "I am taking away her ability to choose by making this decision myself. But it's also unfair to her to worry that something will take her before her natural time and make a decision based on that."

"It's a thin line to toe, darling," Esme commiserated. "But you only talk about the worst case scenarios of this situation. What if she does want to be with you, forever? What if she doesn't resent becoming like us? What if -and you don't have to answer, just think about it -what if you two spend eternity together and if death finally takes you, you will have that eternity as well? What if you could be happy? Truly, wholly happy with the woman you love by your side?"

An eternity with Bella?

An eternity reading with her, sharing the deepest parts of souls with one another, spending our nights wrapped in the intimate acts of adoration, laughing over her antics with the other members of our family. The possibilities spread before me in a sea of blissful existence because of her.

With her.

"You don't have to change your mind, Carlisle," Esme said softly, seeming to sense the shifting emotions roiling inside me, "but make sure that if you are going to choose to deny yourself and Bella what you both so earnestly crave, that you are doing it honestly." I pulled her into a hug, holding onto her like I was afraid I was going to be washed out to sea.

"Thank you, Esme," I rasped out. She laughed softly.

"I just want you to be happy. We all do, Carlisle. But being happy on your terms is my preference." I continued to hold her, my thoughts flying in all directions like they had been upended by a tornado.

"Ahem," I heard Edward say from the theater room, speaking below Bella's register, "you can stop holding my wife now." His annoyance was obvious and I smiled to myself.

"And why she ever chose you will forever confound me," I replied and Esme laughed deeply as she stepped out of my arms.

"The choices were between me and you," he replied. "I think she chose the better option." I laughed loudly and she rolled her eyes affectionately before she returned to the dining room while I got to work on the dishes.

"Anyone want to play a game of poker," Emmett offered.

"I think that's gotten you into enough trouble," I chided lowly but he just laughed.

"What's the matter, Bella? Afraid it was just a lucky chance the last time," he taunted.

"You know, Emmett, I didn't take you for a masochist. Are you really so eager to have your ass handed to you and be publicly humiliated so soon after the last time," Bella asked breezily and I chuckled. I wondered if I'd ever be able to tell her that it thrilled me to hear her giving it back to Emmett as good as he gave it.

"Jokes on you, Bella. I can't be humiliated."

"So, you won't mind if I send this to the whole school, then," she asked cheekily. I heard Emmett get out of his chair and then the sounds of wrestling.

"Be careful, Emmett," I warned him and he stopped.

"I missed the last game," Edward said, smoothly stepping in. "I'd love to see if you could fool me," he speculated.

"Try me," Bella replied gamely. "The winner gets to pick a dare for the loser." They all came out of the theater room to settle in the dining room, where the table was big enough to accomodate all of them.

"How do we determine the winner and the loser?"

"It's whoever shows. Worst hand is loser, best hand is winner," she explained. "You going to play, Rose?"

"I'll try my luck. It sucks playing with Edward, though."

"Is he really good or something?"

"It's like he's reading your freaking mind," Rose muttered. Edward laughed heartily at the joke and I shook my head exasperatedly.

"Well, I look forward to the challenge then," Bella said cheerfully.

"You're probably the only one who might be able to beat him fairly," Jasper said. "He always complains about how hard it is to read you."

"Why don't you all just tell her what we are," I grumbled. I heard Edward open his mouth. "Do it and I will end you," I promised. His mouth closed with an audible snap and I smirked.

"Hey Esme, do you want to play poker with us," Bella asked Esme when they found her in the dining room, having finished putting the things from dinner away.

"Is this a wild thing teenagers are doing these days," she asked with a laugh.

"I'd hardly call it wild," Emmett reasoned.

"Emmett, you literally showed everyone at this table your twig and berries at dinner," she said flatly.

"Excuse me but if anything it's a tree trunk and boulders," he insisted.

"Can we please talk about anything but Emmett's marshmallow mateys," Bella complained.

"Agreed," I said.

"I'm going to go help Carlisle with the dishes, but thank you for the offer." They settled in at the table, Alice appearing with the cards and chips. She dealt out the cards and they began playing, raising the stakes and calling. Jasper folded first, followed by Alice. Esme and I cleaned up the dishes and kitchen, working in companionable silence while listening to the antics in the other room. Emmett issued insults and challenges frequently while Rosalie called him an idiot. Bella occasionally replied in kind, but mostly kept quiet. Her heart rate remained steady and I wanted to shower her in praise. Rose folded next and then it was just Emmett, Edward and Bella. Emmett only made it one more hand before he folded as well until Bella and Edward were left to reveal their cards.

"Ladies first," Edward said with exaggerated politeness.

"Too bad Emmett folded then," Bella teased and I could hear Emmett muttering petulantly. "Three of a kind," she announced, laying her cards on the table.

"I folded when you only had three of a kind," Emmett exclaimed in outrage. "I had a freaking full house!"

"Don't take it so personally, Emmett. A lot of guys have issues with performance anxiety," Bella soothed teasingly. "Now, Edward, did you beat me or not?" Edward sighed.

"I was really hoping you would do better. Flush," he said sadly, laying his cards on the table. Emmett began ranting again, lamenting his decision to fold when he would have beaten Edward and taken the game. "So I get to dare you," he asked Bella.

"Yep. Hope you think up something better than Emmett."

"Oh, I already know what I'm going to do. I dare you to kiss my dad." The room went silent.

That's it. I am going to rip you to pieces slowly and make you watch as I set fire to each bit and it turns to ash, you interfering, meddlesome bastard, I screamed at him in my head.

"Excuse me but there are rules," Bella choked out. Her heart was hammering in her chest and I knew without even seeing her that she was probably red as a tomato. "No illegal dares. Right, guys," she asked the room in general.

"Nothing illegal my bare, tight ass," Emmett said. "Your dad literally arrested me at dinner."

"Yeah but not for real," she cried, panic edging her voice now. My anger doubled as I heard her distress.

Change it, I commanded Edward. I might have wanted to kiss her like the world was ending but not like this.

"Actually, it is illegal," Alice chimed in helpfully and I growled at her. "That's why it worked. You and I looked it up. So I think it is safe to say that isn't an established rule."

"Seriously, Alice," Bella asked. "Just gonna throw me under the bus like that?"

"Is the thought of having to kiss my very attractive father so repugnant to you," Edward asked dryly.

"You mean besides, of course, that it could land him in jail and registered as a sex offender for the rest of his life? Lead to him losing his medical license? Putting him in a position that affects my ability to ever show my face in this house again when I either assault him against his will or he has to go out of his way to avoid me because he thinks I'm some gold digging piece of jailbait?"

"Why do you care if he thinks that," Rosalie asked and I felt a new sense of betrayal from my thus far neutral daughter

"I don't give a damn what he thinks," Bella tried to assure them.

"Please, Bella, you give so many damns they're visible from space," Jasper countered. "The real question is who's opinion is it that you really care about?" I dried my hands off angrily, prepared to march in there and remove her from their interrogation but her soft voice stopped me.

"You guys are my best friends," she muttered. "Nothing matters more than that." Silence filled the house as everyone focused on what she said.

"Bella," Jasper murmured, "we're not children. We wouldn't begrudge you for your feelings."

"You don't think it's weird," Bella whispered self-consciously.

"It would actually be weirder if you didn't like Carlisle," Rosalie pointed out and her siblings murmured in agreement.

"But we're the same age," Bella argued half-heartedly. They laughed and I let out my own huff of amusement. They weren't and that was my problem.

"We aren't really territorial like most teenagers," Alice clarified. "We just want to see Carlisle with someone who makes him happy."

"You guys realize how abnormal this is, right," Bella said, sounding more than a little overwhelmed. "Besides, you act like he wouldn't be mortified if I even tried something like that." I recalled our stolen moment after her father had left.

Did she not realize the power she had over me? Had she not seen the obvious desire for her as our faces grew closer?

"Don't sell yourself short, Swan," Emmett reassured her. I decided to put an end to this conversation completely. I walked out of the kitchen and stopped in the doorway of the dining room. They were all crowded around Bella. Alice had a hand on hers while Edward had put his arm around her shoulders. I barely resisted the urge to tear it off and beat him with it.

"Edward," I said lightly, trying to hide any sign that I was privy to this private moment. Bella whipped around in her seat to face me. Her eyes were shiny with unshed tears and her face drained as soon as she saw me, presumably worried I had overheard their conversation. "Could you come help me take the trash out," I asked. Edward nodded and stood up, giving Bella a reassuring squeeze to the shoulder that had my hands twitching. He followed me to the kitchen where we grabbed the trash bags and went out the back door, dumping them in a bi before I gestured for him to follow me. I took off into the trees, Edward keeping pace beside me as we raced through the darkness away from the house enough that Bella wouldn't be able to see or hear us but close enough that it wouldn't take a suspiciously long time to return. I stopped next to a fallen tree trunk leaning against its solid neighbors.

"This ends now," I snapped harshly. "You have really gone too far this time. I was content to live with your badgering but this is past acceptable! Do you realize what you've done?" He stood across from me, arms crossed, his face the picture of apathy.

"Eliminated Bella's fear of judgement from her friends for having romantic feelings for their father," he asked blandly and I snarled, shoving him into the tree behind him. It cracked and groaned from the blow.

"I have no choice but to break her heart now," I screamed at him. "I have to reject her when she tries to execute this thoughtless, ridiculous dare you've challenged her with and that will break her heart! Because you've given her false hope!" His face morphed into angry incredulity.

"I gave her false hope? She's not an idiot, Carlisle! She knows that there is something there between you! Why do you think her heart jumps around you? Why do you think she reacts so viscerally to your touch? She was ready to put it all on the line and kiss you back today, our opinions be damned! She loves you and you're so wrapped up in possible outcomes that you don't even realize that it's too late for her! You talk about no choice but that is complete and utter shit. You have a choice! You realized that earlier when you talked to Esme. You know that you two could be blissfully happy together but you're so afraid of getting hurt that you're willing to hurt the both of you to try and protect yourself from some nonsensical outcome that will literally never happen! Because Alice has looked into the future, at every possibility and not a single one ends with her walking away from you! You're so willing to stop this before it can even happen but it's already happening. Bella will never be happy without you. The futures that Alice sees when she looks now, with your mind made up, is Bella trying valiantly to love someone, anyone the way she loved you but no one makes her feel that way. She spends her life in an empty loop of moving from relationship to relationship, left with nothing but disappointment and a reminder that she's not enough for anyone because she wasn't enough for the only man that mattered." His words were like knives, each stabbing me until I felt battered and broken. The thought of Bella feeling the way he described crippled me with anguish and also made me so mad, I was ready to murder anyone who hurt her.

"I so wish, Carlisle, that you knew that none of us will ever leave you. She won't leave you. You two are bound. I know that you never experienced the way the mating bond works before but it's not optional and certainly not breakable. That is why so many of our kind either go mad or kill themselves when they lose a mate. It's literally like losing half of yourself. Whether you admit it or not, that is what is happening between you and Bella. So please stop hurting her and yourself by pretending it's something tawdry. It is the most precious gift." I stared into the trees, my stomach churning because I knew he was right. I felt the shift in my universe when I met her. But, like Bella's feelings of inadequacy, I was also plagued by my own demons that assured me that I didn't deserve her and that she would realize that once the initial bliss of new love dissipated.

"Just try," he pleaded with me, listening as I wrestled with myself.

"She's underage," I reminded him, even as my mind conjured the possibilities of letting myself fall into her.

"Less than a year until she's old enough. Maybe just keep it to yourselves for now. Enjoy being able to build intimacy without the court of public opinion interfering." I sighed, rubbing my hands over my face roughly. He grabbed me in a tight hug. "I love you both so much," he said hoarsely. "I just want you both to be happy." I squeezed him back before releasing him. Then I swung my fist back and slammed it into his cheek bone.

"That's for making her so uncomfortable," I chastised him before taking off back to the house. I heard him mutter something behind me before he followed. We walked through the back door a moment later. I could hear Rose and Emmett in their bedroom, Emmett lamenting the fact that they wouldn't be able to engage in enthusiastic and loud marital relationships unless they left the house. "What's going on," I asked Edward as we walked from the kitchen to the family room. Bella and Esme were coming down the stairs from his and Esme's room.

"Charlie called and asked if Bella could stay here tonight. He said that he was going to be staying late and didn't want her home alone." I frowned, concern nagging at my thoughts, wondering if Bella was in danger. "I'm sure he just feels more comfortable knowing she has someone with her," Edward reassured me but I still felt edgy about his caution. Esme and Bella finally reached us and I smiled at her warmly. She smiled shyly back at me as they walked toward us. She was wearing a pair of soft pajama pants and a Dartmouth shirt that looked suspiciously like mine from the last time I had taught as a professor there.

"Hope you don't mind putting up with me a bit longer," she said nervously, finally stopping in front of me. I breathed in deeply and knew at once the shirt was mine as her floral, fruity smell mixed with mine. It felt like a jolt to my system, causing parts that never saw much use to stir in interest. Edward gave a low cough that reigned me back in.

Barely.

"Is that my shirt," was all I managed to choke out. She looked down in surprise and examined the garment in question, fiddling with the hem.

"Maybe? Alice gave me clothes but the pants didn't fit so Esme got me a pair of hers. I can find something else," she offered before trailing off and biting her lip. The gesture nearly obliterated my modicum of control.

"No," I said quickly and she blushed. "No need to go through all that trouble. Besides it looks better on you," I complimented.

"That's not even possible," she mumbled and I chuckled.

"It very much is," I assured her. Edward cleared his throat loudly.

"Well, it's been a super long day. I'm going to go to bed now," he said. "Goodnight, Bella. Night, Carlisle." He walked up the stairs, whistling 'Kiss the Girl' as he went.

"He's annoying," Bella said flatly. I threw back my head and laughed.

"You don't know the half of it," I assured her and she grinned.

"You should ground him," she suggested gleefully.

"Like that's ever worked," Esme said with a snort. "However, he is onto something. I'm going to head to bed too."

"Thank you again for dinner," Bella said. "And for the pants." Esme waved her off.

"It was nothing. Sleep well, dear. Don't let Carlisle keep you up too late; he's a closet night owl." She winked and Bella chuckled, tossing me a look over her shoulder.

"We'll probably just stay up plotting ways to make Edward's life miserable," she said with a mischievous grin. It felt like my heart was trying to mimic what hers had done earlier, stuttering in my chest. Esme laughed and headed up the stairs with a final wave. I listened for Alice and Jasper but they had already sequestered themselves in their room, talking too low to understand.

"Where did Alice say you were sleeping," I asked Bella, gesturing for her to sit. She flopped onto the couch, tossing her feet up. I sat at the opposite end, unable to take my eyes off her, the emerald shirt bringing out the red in her brunette hair.

She was breathtaking.

"She didn't. But I'll just take the couch." I shook my head.

"It's like I didn't raise any of you with manners," I muttered to the others in the house. "Absolutely not," I said. "You can take my bed." She froze and were it not for the pink rising on her skin, I would almost take her for one of us.

"I couldn't do that," she said shakily. "Where would you sleep?"

"I will take the couch. Or maybe I'll go crawl in with Edward and spend the whole night kicking him." She smiled at my suggestion while Edward booed from his room.

I didn't ask for your opinion, thank you.

"Edward probably snores. And I definitely can't take your bed and condemn you to the couch."

"It's non-negotiable," I told her firmly. "I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink knowing that I left you down here to potentially be a victim of Emmett's bouts of sleep gaming." She raised an eyebrow at me.

"Does he really do that or are you just trying to convince me not to argue?"

"Both." She laughed lightly.

"Fine," she said with an exaggerated eye roll. "I don't want to argue with you. You already get enough practice with Edward."

Wasn't that an understatement.

I stood offering her a hand to help pull herself up too. She took it and the room felt charged, like lightning waiting to strike.

"Let me show you where you'll be sleeping," I said dazedly and led her up the stairs to the third floor. "Rose and Emmett are on the second floor with Alice and Jasper. Edward and Esme are the floor above us. That's my study," I pointed to a dark wood panel door across from the door we were in front of, " and this is my room." I opened the door and walked inside. She followed, her eyes taking in every detail of the room. It was tasteful, like everything Esme did. A four poster king sized bed dominated the side of the room opposite us, fluffy bedding covering it in inviting plushness. The north wall was all windows like the family room. A plush, oversized couch was against the wall closest to us, the door to the bathroom on the side opposite.

"It's beautiful," she hummed, stepping further in.

"Esme is a wonderful decorator," I agreed. She sat on the couch, running her hands over the fabric.

I'd never wanted to be a couch until that moment.

"Are you sure about it," she asked worriedly.

"I'm positive," I said, sitting next to her. "If my children had any manners, they'd have offered the bed to you already."

"Well, what can you expect? They are just demon spawn," she said mournfully and I laughed.

"I don't know. They used to be stand up, productive members of society before you came around," I teased.

"I have a hard time believing that Emmett and Edward were ever stand-up community members… ever." I chuckled softly.

"Well, there was less nudity, I know that much." We sat, amused and lost in our own memories of the day. "I'd better let you get to bed. Executing a perfectly planned prank must be exhausting."

"It really is."

"I'd watch out for Emmett though. He gets vengeance in the strangest -and usually most inconveniencing -ways."

"You're not going to protect me," she asked, hand to her chest as she feigned shock.

"Well I could put him back up for adoption," I contemplated.

"I wouldn't wish Emmett on anyone else. Especially since I actually love the big teddy bear. He's sweet." I wanted to beg her to say the same words to me but I smiled instead.

"He's got a heart of gold. It's just hidden by the mentality of a three year old." She nodded and stood up. "Anyway, off to bed with you." She hesitated and then shook her head.

"Only if you sleep on this couch so that I'm not kicking you out of your bed and your room." I raised an eyebrow at her.

"How do you know that I don't snore?" She grinned.

"I sincerely hope you do, Carlisle Cullen. I'm looking for flaws and have only come up empty handed." I shook my head at her.

"Fine. You asked for it though. I'm going to snore as loud as I can all night long." She held a hand out to me and I took it, wrapping my cold fingers around her warm ones and reveling in the almost electrical buzz happening beneath my skin. She let go of my hand and ambled over to the bed. She pulled a pillow off, tossing it at me. I caught it deftly and grabbed a blanket that was thrown over the corner of the couch. She let out a huge yawn as she crawled into the big bed, settling under the covers in the middle.

"This bed is like a marshmallow," she said sleepily.

"Got to sleep, Bella," I ordered gently.

"Goodnight, Carlisle," she said quietly, staring at me from the useless prop I had ignored my entire life.

How I longed to use it now.

"Sweet dreams," I said softly as I laid down on the couch, pulling the blanket over me and waiting for her to fall asleep.

It didn't take long but even after she slipped away into a state of unconsciousness, I couldn't bear to leave. I changed into some pajamas to keep up appearances, pulled out a medical journal and began to read up on some of the latest studies.

"Carlisle," Bella said, around three in the morning and I set my magazine down in surprise. I looked over at the bed but Bella's eyes were still closed, her breathing deep and even.

She talked in her sleep.

I found the habit almost painfully endearing.

I watched as her face scrunched up slightly.

"Don't know what to do," she muttered, the skin between her brows puckered. I waited, poised to calm her if needed but her face smoothed out and she continued to sleep quietly. "Mom," she breathed a little while later and my heart squeezed in sympathy for her. "No, Mom," she said, her voice tight and her heartbeat accelerating slightly. "Please, Mom, don't go," she begged. I sat up, concerned. "No, Mom, please. I need you." Tears slipped from her closed eyes and down her face. I was at her side instantly, gently wiping the tears away.

"Bella," I murmured. A sob caught in her throat and I shook her again. "Bella." Her eyes opened slowly, clouded with tears.

"Carlisle," she said softly. Her crying hadn't subsided and she looked around me to the couch and back again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." I sat on the edge of the bed, pulling her closer and rubbing soothing patterns on her arm with my thumb.

"Are you okay," I asked her softly. Her tears doubled their efforts and she began to sob in earnest.

"No," she said through her tears.

"Come here," I said gently, lifting her and moving her over in the bed. I crawled in next to her, pulling the down comforter over the both of us. She pulled my arm up over her head and settled herself into my shoulder, holding me tightly with one arm. "Was it your mom," I asked, running my fingers through her silky hair slowly.

"Yes," she whispered and tears still graced her cheeks. "I was trying to talk to her but she started to disappear and I couldn't stop her." She squeezed me and I pulled her closer, settling her more firmly against me.

"I'm sorry." We laid in silence while I searched for the right thing to say. "I know she would have never left you willingly," I finally murmured.

"I know," she sighed tiredly, eyes drifting closed. "It just felt so real. Like I was losing her all over again." I moved my hand up to her cheek, wiping away the errant tears with my thumb and gazing down at her.

"I've got you," I promised. "Everything is going to be okay." She looked up at me sadly and I brushed my hand over her cheek again. Her gaze shifted from my eyes to my mouth and back up again. Heat crept over me, burning me where our bodies met. I attempted to rally my last bit of rational thought, reminding myself of her precarious emotional state and sleep fogged state. I started to pull away from her but she grabbed me tighter.

"Wait, don't go. Please," she pleaded. I stopped, holding her gaze to ensure she was okay with this and moved back into my spot. "Thank you," she whispered. I gently rubbed my fingertips along her arm and she sighed contentedly.

"Carlisle," asked quietly.

"Yes, sweetheart?" She hesitated and I looked down at her. She shifted to look at me.

"What did you say to me earlier? That thing you said in French: what does it mean?" I took a deep breath, debating the wisdom of telling her what I had said. "Please tell me," she pressed.

"I don't know if I should," I murmured softly. Her eyes grew sad.

"Because you don't want to encourage me," she asked, looking down. I lifted her chin gently, forcing her eyes to meet mine.

"Mostly because I feel like you've been pushed toward me and I don't want to make you feel like I'm trying to manipulate you as well."

"You'd never do that." Her voice was full of conviction.

"Bella, I'm… so much older than you. I come with kids and… complications. You could do so much better than an old man like me." She gazed at me.

"Please tell me," she asked again. I waited, caressing the curve of her jaw with my eyes.

"You are everything," I breathed and her own breathing grew shallower. I stopped there, compromising.

"There was more," she urged. I sighed, grabbing her hand on my chest and intertwining my fingers with hers.

"Not telling you how I feel is the hardest thing I've ever done." I felt overly sensitive, a foreign fluttering in my lower abdomen. She moved closer to me but I pressed a hand to her lips, ignoring the pleasure that tingled from the back of my neck down my spine at the contact. "Don't," I whispered and I immediately saw the rejection reflected in her eyes. "I know that Edward dared you to but you don't have to do it. There's no obligation." She grabbed my hand and pulled it away from her face slowly, her fingers tangling with mine.

"Do you really think that I'd only kiss you because I felt obligated to?" I looked away from her. She watched me for a moment and then lifted our hands and pressed a delicate kiss to the back of my hand. It was an innocent gesture but her lips felt heavenly against my skin, tingling spreading from their point of contact down my arm directly to my heart. "There. Dare complete."

"I don't think that's quite what Edward meant," I argued breathlessly. She smiled.

"Then he should have been more specific," she said, eyes bright. I laughed softly, squeezing her hand in mine.

"I don't know that he'll agree with you. I'm sure he meant for you to-" She moved before I could finish and I didn't stop her, too far gone to stop what had started. She pressed her lips to mine forcefully and for just a moment, my brain seemed to short circuit and I froze. Her lips moved over mine eagerly while I was stuck, frozen. I could feel when self-consciousness hit her because she started to slow down, moving to pull away from me. I let go of her hand and weaved my fingers into her hair, cupping her jaw. I moved my lips against hers insistently. I gently gripped her waist and used that arm to pull her as close as possible without hurting her. She sucked my bottom lip between hers and I gasped. I gripped her neck and tilted her head back, brushing down her jaw to the elegant column of her throat, greedily drinking in the heady mix of my scent and hers. She moaned and the vibrations moved through my lips straight to my groin.

"Bella," I gasped as sensations assaulted me. She plunged her hand into my hair and gripped it tightly, sending waves of pleasure over my skin. I rested my lips against where her artery pulsed under her delicate skin, breathing her in where it was the strongest. "Do you have any idea what you do to me," I breathed against her skin and she shuddered, goosebumps erupting over her skin.

"Not nearly what you do to me," she sighed. I pulled back, looking into her eyes, dark with need.

"Do you really think I'm so unaffected by you," I asked her earnestly, smoothing my hands over her face and hair. She blushed prettily and looked away, embarrassed. "Bella Swan, you are perfect. Really," I assured her as she ducked her head. I gently lifted her face to see the doubt swirling in her eyes.

"I'm not," she whispered. "I'll probably wake up and this will have been a dream. You'll be asleep on the couch and I'll still be nothing more than the girl your kids took pity on and befriended." I brushed my thumb under her eye, wiping the errant tear away as she spoke.

"You have never been just the friend of my children," I emphasized. "There's been something about you from the start. I've grown to like you more than I planned to allow myself to. You. Are. Breathtaking." I pressed a kiss to her forehead and looked back down at her. "Why are you looking at me like that?" Her mouth had quirked into a half smile.

"You've got to stop doing that," she whispered. I frowned.

"Kissing your forehead?"

"No, saying things that make me want to kiss you senseless." I grinned.

"Everything you do makes me senseless," I breathed against her lips as I leaned in to her. I brushed my lips over hers slowly but the fire that consumed me still raged like it had when we had kissed passionately before. Her mouth moved against mine, slow and tender, like we had all eternity to this. I deepened the kiss, sliding my tongue into her open mouth and explored her, tasting her eagerly. Everything about her was sweet from the way she smelled to her tongue tangling with mine for dominance.

We kissed for minutes or maybe even days. I was struggling to form coherent thoughts with her so close, feeling like our souls were connecting and embracing every time our lips met. I finally pulled back slowly, pressing chaste kisses to her lips with less and less frequency.

"It's late," I murmured, pressing my lips to her forehead. "You should get some sleep." She hummed contentedly.

"But I like kissing you," she said through a yawn. I smiled.

"I very much like kissing you, too. Get some rest." She snuggled into my chest, resting her arm on my chest and curling a leg over mine. I traced lazy patterns on her arm while I listened to her heart slow and her breathing start to even out

"Carlisle," she whispered, voice thick with sleep.

"Yes, Bella?"

"Not telling you how I feel is the hardest thing I've ever done, too."