So here's my plan: I'm going to publish the next few chapters as I finish them (which is hopefully sooner and closer together than they have lately) but as a write five or six chapters ahead, I'm going to wait to post those until I have a certain number finished in advance. Now, ideally, that won't require much waiting because I'll be writing regularly. But I also don't want to criminally cliffie you guys. And guys, I wrote out an index for the rest of the chapters and we still have like TWENTY to go before we done. So strap in, kids. It's about to get exciting.
The song for this chapter is Iris by Tommee Profitt. Remember that you can play along with the story on Amazon Music using the special web address below!
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Disclaimer: I'm only doing this for a friend. I don't get anything from it but her undying appreciation. I certainly don't get to have fun with Emmett and the boys in my head.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: Iris
CPOV
Something was up with Bella.
I wasn't a particularly paranoid or suspicious man. I wasn't prone to see plots where there were none. I didn't assume that hushed whispers around the room were about me.
Granted, I could hear those whispers so I knew if they were but that's beside the point.
But it had been three weeks since Bella moved in with us and something was definitely up with her.
I hadn't thought much of it at first, the casual jokes or comments she made with the kids that were funnier because they were unintentionally nailing what we were on the head. She'd made that joke about doing laundry for eternity. We'd had that conversation prompted by her admitting to a biting fetish.
I still couldn't recall that moment without my brain metaphorically slamming on the brakes and freezing me in the moment.
But as the days passed, I started to become increasingly aware of just how many times she said something that unknowingly referenced our natures.
When I had knocked on the door to come into the room a few days after she arrived, she'd opened it and smirked at me.
"What's up, Carlisle? You don't need an invitation to come in, do you?"
Then a couple days later, she'd told me she was thinking about getting a new mattress and had asked what my preferences were.
"Do you prefer something firmer? Really firm? Boardlike? Maybe a bed that's more enclosed on all sides?"
It had struck me as odd questioning but I'd brushed it off, assuming it was part of an existing joke that I wasn't aware of. But she'd also asked Edward if he could eat garlic bread or if that would hurt him.
When I'd arrived home early from work about a week in, the kids were just getting home from school and we walked in to find Bella watching television. She'd hurriedly scrambled for the remote and turned the television off. When questioned about it by Emmett, she shrugged sheepishly.
"I guess I thought Buffy might be too traumatic and scary for you."
I wasn't familiar with what show she was talking about and thought that this was just more of her and Emmett's good natured ribbing and insults.
One night, a couple weeks in, she'd asked about dinner suggestions or preferences. Meals had been harder for us to cover up, which involved a lot of proclaimed over snacking and eating in the moments she hadn't been around. Alice told her that it was rare for us to sit down to dinner together since everyone had their own things going on and we tried to manage it at least once a week to catch up. I didn't know why she still asked what we wanted to eat after being explained away or thanked but rejected. But she continued to ask us anyway.
"How do you guys feel about steaks? Avoid them?"
I hadn't been able to escape her cooking completely. The morning after she arrived, she'd disappeared into the kitchen and came out with a full breakfast for all of us. While everyone else had been able to sneak food off their plates, she'd stared at me every time I went to take a bite. I'd been flattered at the time because I thought she was so caught up in the joy of being able to spend so much time together. As such, I'd had to chew and swallow every bite of food before I'd faked a page and excused myself to go force it up in the woods.
In retrospect, it was just another thing that added up to an unsettling feeling that something wasn't right.
Coming home to Bella had been even more wonderful than I'd anticipated. She was always as excited to see me as I was to see her. Even with the teasing and jokes at our expense by the kids, her face lit up as soon as she saw me after I came home and inevitably ended up in my arms within a minute of reuniting. We'd spent nights reading in companionable silence, her curled in my arms or with her feet in my lap, reading her book while I subconsciously rubbed them while doing my own reading. We'd had movie nights and on the one clear night, we'd laid out on a blanket under the stars. She told me more about her mother and what life had been like in Phoenix while I recalled some of the memories I had from my earlier life or some of my favorite family moments over the years -editing out anything that would give our secret away.
It had been alarmingly easy for her to settle into my life like she'd always belonged there and I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn't permanent. Eventually the danger would pass and Charlie would want his daughter back home.
He definitely wouldn't be okay finding out that his not-quite-legal-aged daughter had been cozying up with the town doctor who was a perceived fourteen years older than her.
The reality of our age difference would kill him if he ever found out.
Which he wouldn't because that would be putting his life at risk and even being with Bella for eternity wouldn't compel me to run that particular danger.
Bella's impromptu introduction into our home also felt like I was in a constant state of making sure I didn't let slip our secret. I felt half-truths and flat out redirection coloring countless interactions and I worried about what Edward had warned me of.
Would Bella be more angry, more hurt, perhaps even hate me, when she eventually discovered what we were?
I was trying to protect her but even I couldn't completely justify away the acrid taste of dishonesty on my tongue whenever she asked a question too close to uncovering what we'd been keeping from her.
I knew that I needed to come clean; that the longer I tried to keep up pretenses -especially with her in the house and so involved in our lives -the worse the fallout would be. Every day that I spent with her, I had to physically swallow down the words, stop myself from just baring every secret, every dark moment of my past, to her.
~~~STY~~~
"Are you sure about this," I asked Bella as I loaded a tent, sleeping bags and an air mattress into the car. She smiled sunnily at me and my heart stirred in response.
"For the millionth time, yes. Rose said that it isn't going to rain this weekend and suggested taking advantage of it to get some alone time. Edward told me you guys know some of the best camping places and honestly, I would like to be able to spend some time with you without these pesky kids interrupting us." I smirked at her over my shoulder.
"Are you trying to subtly tell me you don't like my kids," I teased and she sighed.
"I used to think the whole single dad thing was hot but now… I'm just not sure," she mused mournfully. I laughed and turned, sweeping her into my arms and pressing a kiss to her smiling lips.
"I guess I'm going to have to put them back up for adoption."
"Like you could talk anyone into taking Emmett," she groused.
"Technically, Emmett is a legal adult. I could just kick him out."
"Yeah, what kind of loser lives at home as an adult," she deadpanned. I heard Emmett grumbling to himself in the house and chuckled.
"Go make sure you have everything you need. I'm going to make sure my demon spawn won't burn down the house in our absence." She kissed my cheek before jogging inside and up the stairs to my room. I found Alice behind the house, sitting with her feet in the river and staring into the distance, no doubt shuffling through the visions in her head.
"It will be nice to have some alone time with Bella, don't you think," she asked me without turning around. I smiled and came to a stop next to her, looking out into the forest.
"Not that we don't love you kids but you are so horribly meddlesome," I complained mildly. She grinned.
"Edward does get a perverse pleasure out of frustrating the two of you."
"If he's not careful, the next time Esme and I have to pretend to be married, I'll be sure to be extra affectionate with her." Her bell-like laugh rang out over the running water of the river. "Are you sure this is safe for us? You've checked the weather and it isn't supposed to rain this weekend? No sun though, right?"
"Oh ye of little faith, father," Alice said in mock hurt.
"I just want to make sure that nothing bad is going to happen if we leave for the middle of nowhere for a few days."
"I understand, Carlisle. I can assure you that nothing bad is going to happen this weekend. Unless Emmett decides to do something particularly stupid but that can't really be planned for, can it?"
"Is it pick on Emmett day or something," Emmett asked from inside the house. I grinned.
"Apparently you just need to be more careful with who's bad side you're getting on," I suggested. I heard Bella hugging Edward and Esme before skipping down the stairs. "Thank you, Alice. You know where we'll be. Please alert me immediately if anything changes." She hummed in acknowledgment and I sped back to the front of the house where Emmett's Jeep was parked to wait for Bella. She walked out of the house and to my side, an excited smile lighting her face.
"All set," she said, climbing into the passenger seat while I held the door for her.
"Perfect. I made them promise not to throw a kegger while we're away but you never know with Emmett," I teased and she giggled.
"This is child abuse," Emmett yelled and I threw my head back and laughed before climbing in the Jeep and starting the engine.
"So where are we headed," Bella asked, turning to watch me as I navigated us away from the house.
"There's a lovely little spot in Olympic National Forest that we like to visit. It has beautiful vistas and is secluded enough that we'll be on our own."
"That sounds perfect," she breathed. I glanced at her and noticed her eyes growing heavy as we made our way down the highway. Soon the car was filled with the soft sound of her deep and even breathing. I basked in the intimate quiet, thinking maybe she was onto something with her desire for privacy. She didn't even realize how not private the house was with seven vampires who could hear everything, not to mention the empath, the mind reader and the seer. The quiet of the car with only the sound of our breathing and her heartbeat seemed to shake loose something inside of me and I felt tension I didn't even know I was holding release from my shoulders.
After about an hour, I pulled off the rutted dirt track I'd been following up the mountain and parked at the edge of a meadow that extended until it ended in a cliff face overlooking the park. I turned to Bella and gently stroked her face. Her eyes fluttered.
"Darling, we're here." She blinked her eyes wider and smiled sheepishly at me.
"Sorry, I totally passed out on you."
"No need to apologize. You haven't been getting as much rest as you need and you finally relaxed enough for your body to take advantage of it." She looked around outside the car and gasped.
"Wow. We're camping here?"
"Yes. This is one of our favorite spots. It's wild camping by definition but I brought everything we might need to be comfortable. And we can keep the food in the car instead of hoisting it up a tree." She opened her door and hopped out of the Jeep, breathing in deeply and throwing her head back.
"It smells so fresh up here. I know your house is technically in the woods but there is something about the air out in the wilderness. It just smells… wild. Magical? I don't know." I followed her out of the Jeep and wrapped my arms around her from behind, pulling her against me.
"Wait until you see the view," I murmured in her ear. She turned around in my arms and wrapped hers around my neck.
"The view's not bad from here." She smirked. I shook my head with a half smile.
"No view can beat the one from where I stand." She blushed deeply and I chuckled, rubbing my finger against her heated cheek. "I love it when you blush."
"And why is that," she asked cheekily.
"Because it makes me want to devour you whole."
"That would be some feat. I don't think I'd agree with you. You'd probably get indigestion." I threw my head back and laughed. She laughed along with me until I calmed back down.
"I don't think there's a single bit of you that any part of me would be at odds with."
"Well how about we cancel the whole eating me thing and set up this campsite so that I can get dinner started." I kissed her forehead.
"Fair enough. Go pick a spot for the tent while I unload. Try not to trip over the edge of the cliff, please." She stuck her tongue out at me as she began to walk away.
"I will have you know I have never tripped and fallen to my death," she said as she walked away before stumbling and catching herself before she could hit the ground. Her face flamed again and she looked at me and then away. "I did that on purpose."
"Absolutely."
"I had to check that the ground was stable. But it's a bit lumpy so we shouldn't set up the tent there."
"Of course. You're the expert," I agreed, barely suppressing the laughter building in my chest.
"Yes, I am." She continued further away from the Jeep, feeling around the ground with her foot. I pulled out gear from the back of the Jeep, gathering the tarp and tent and heading to where she was standing, turning this way and that, looking at the treeline and sky.
"Here," I asked her.
"Yeah. It's close enough to the trees that we have some cover if we need it but still open space to set up. Could you set up the tent facing the vista?"
"For you, of course I can." She grinned and took the other half of the tarp, helping me lay it out flat. We worked in silence and once again I felt myself surprised by the companionable silence we shared with no one there to break the intimacy. She was methodical as she helped me set up the tent, carefully testing the ground before hammering stakes. The desire to just use my enhanced speed to set up the whole thing so that I could just drag her into a sleeping bag and hide from the world was like a breathing thing and I cursed myself for what felt like the millionth time in a week for not sharing my secret with her. Instead, I purposefully took my time setting up, driving the stakes into the ground with my bare hand when she was hammering hers.
Once the tent was complete, I grabbed our sleeping gear from the car while Bella grabbed our bags and we began to set up the interior of the tent. Wanting something cozy but without the feeling like we were crawling over each other to do anything, I'd grabbed one of our four-man tents. After spreading an area rug over the bottom, I set up the fold out queen air mattress and inflated it while Bella unrolled two sleeping bags, unzipped them and then zipped them together to make one large sleeping bag. She helped me make the bed, tossing flirty smiles at me every time our eyes met.
And I couldn't keep my eyes off of her.
This could be my future.
I could spend the rest of my existence making moments and memories like these, just sharing the same air as her with no pressure to say anything to be anything more than myself.
"Can you grab the cooler for me and I'll make a fire circle," she asked sweetly and I smirked, kissing her gently.
"Just don't hurt yourself doing it," I teased and she smacked my arm.
"You're as bad as Edward and Emmett," she complained and I chuckled. "I guess now I know where they get it from."
"A family trait, unfortunately. But you are just so easy to tease."
"Hey, we're all alone out here. I can push you off the cliff and just tell everyone you were eaten by wolves. I'm the police chief's daughter; I know how to get away with murder." I laughed harder at her as she pushed me out of the tent.
"They'd probably believe you." I left her to scout for rocks and pulled the cooler and cooking gear from the Jeep. I turned to carry it back and stopped. Bella was carrying rocks from near the drop-off to a space near the tent. She had a pile started and she was stacking them next to each other. I muffled a laugh with my hand when she put one down and then pulled her hand away sharply, sticking her thumb in her mouth and sucking while she cursed around it.
God, she was beautiful.
I picked up my load and made my way back to her, sure that if my heart could still beat, it would be pounding. I gently set everything down and continued to watch her, riveted. After the circle was done she finally looked up and noticed my preoccupation.
"What? I only smashed my finger a couple times. And look, no blood!" She held her hand up with a proud smile. I reached out for her hand to pull her into me.
"Bella, there's something I…" I trailed off.
"What-"
A cloud shifted and a shaft of sunlight pierced through the air and landed right on me. She gasped and I looked down.
My hands were glittering in the sunlight like I was made of crystal.
I looked back up at her in horror, expecting to find shock or anger or disbelief on her face.
Or for her to run from me in horror.
Instead she was staring at me, eyes filled with awe, mouth slightly open. She reached out a hand to touch my face and I held perfectly still as her hand moved across my skin cautiously, as though feeling for the facets of gem the light was reflecting.
I waited for her to ask me what I was.
I waited for horror.
I waited for fear.
"You know," she finally said, breaking the tense silence, "I knew it wasn't turning to ash and I knew it was something conspicuous but sparkling really wasn't even on my list of possibilities for sunlight's effect on you."
"I-"
Wait. What?
My heart simultaneously stopped and also sped up as I processed her words and then her reaction.
"What do you mean, you knew it was something conspicuous? Bella, what are you talking about?" She bit her lip guiltily as her cheeks warmed.
"I mean, I know that I should have just come clean the minute I figured out what you are but also, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to have a little fun. Just as, you know, payback for keeping me out of the loop and keeping such a huge secret from me."
"Wait, you know? How long have you known? No, stop. What do you think I am?" She folded her arms and jutted her hip out, the very picture of sass.
"I know you're a vampire, Carlisle." Her words had a glacial effect.
"And how do you know that, Bella," I asked evenly. "Wait, let me guess; Edward told you. I'll burn him to ash. I gave them strict instructions that they couldn't tell you. Of course he didn't listen." Her hands flew to her hips and she scowled at me.
"Okay first of all, it wasn't Edward. I know that he's meddlesome and manipulative and pushy as hell, but he loves you, Carlisle, and he does actually respect you -even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes -and he would never betray you like that." I flinched back from the sharp snap of her biting tone. "Second of all, I figured it out myself. See, I used to spend my summers with Charlie and the ones that we didn't spend in California, we'd spend in Forks. Or more accurately, we'd spend it in La Push." I must have made some sort of face because she nodded at me sarcastically. "Yes, the reservation. Charlie would go fishing and I'd run around with Billy Black's kids. And I spent so much time there that I was invited into the story sessions around the campfire. Of course, I never thought any of the wild and mythical stories they told about changing into wolves and fighting Cold Ones were real. It wasn't until you guys went camping because the weather was nice and I ran into Rachel Black and Leah Clearwater that I started to make the connection.
"Rachel told me why some of the elders won't come to the hospital in Forks. She thinks they're just silly old men but when she reminded me of the old legends, everything just clicked into place for me. It all seemed so obvious once I actually thought about it. And so I confronted Edward about it. That ended up turning into a whole Vampire 101 lesson at my house the day that Charlie arranged for me to stay with you guys. And yes, when the boys suggested that I could take advantage of the fact that you didn't know that I knew to have a little fun, I was on board. Because I get that there's a whole security thing with me knowing that it's supposed to be this big secret but since I found out, all I've been wondering is how we could possibly have a real relationship when you were lying to me about one of the most fundamental aspects of who you are. Maybe in the beginning the secret was too important and we were too new and uncertain about where this was headed. But Alice told me about her visions, Carlisle, and once we got closer and it got more serious, I didn't understand why you wouldn't tell me. And I've spent the last month living with you and making pithy comments and jokes and you never realized that I knew. But what's more is you just doubled down on the secret keeping. And even though I totally understand why you felt like you needed to protect me, I'm also so hurt that you weren't telling me when I opened that door for you and created opportunities to be honest with me. Do you just not see a future with me? You don't want to be with me long term?"
Her eyes were shiny with tears and her throat was tight, giving her words a rough effect. I stared at her, dumbstruck as she poured her heart out to me. She was giving me understanding I didn't deserve while also holding me accountable and tearing me apart with every word of doubt in my feelings, how much I treasured her.
"Bella, I…" I stopped, my own throat tight with unshed emotion. "I'm so sorry," I finally croaked and her face crumpled. She fell into my chest, wrapping her arms so tightly around me, it was like she was trying to fuse us into one being. She sobbed against me and I held her as tightly as I could without hurting her, running my hand softly through her hair and placing kisses to the crown of her head. "I'm so, so sorry, darling. I never intended to hurt you. I should have told you, should have found a way to bring it up and discuss it with you as soon as I realized that you were committed to this relationship, to me. I was a coward. I was worried that you would end up finding me wanting and rejecting me. I was scared that I would get a glimpse of heaven with you only to be pulled down to Hell when you realized that you could do better. It's no excuse. Not only was it disrespectful to you but it was a disservice to treat you like a child when you're a woman who can make up her own mind. I took the choice from you and I despise myself for it. I hurt you and I will spend every moment you give me trying to make it up to you."
Her sobs softened as I spoke until she was sniffing in my arms. We stayed like that for several minutes before she lifted her head.
"I know we have a lot to talk about, but there's something that I have to say that I should have said a while ago and maybe if I had, you would know that I could never -would never -leave you or reject you." I watched her carefully as she took a deep breath, her eyes never leaving mine. "I love you, Carlisle Cullen." My breath caught. "I think I've loved you since the moment I saw you standing on Charlie's doorstep with a pizza box in your hand and a smile on your stupidly handsome face. And every time your kids brought you up, I fell a little more for you. Every time I saw you, I fell harder. Each time we talked it was like I was just handing over pieces of my heart to you until you held the entire thing in your hands. And that night when I discovered that you'd been pining for me as hard as I'd been pining for you, I thought that it couldn't get any more exquisite than that feeling. But then my heart kept growing. When I thought that there wasn't possibly any room left in my heart, you managed to prove that you could occupy even more space. I love you and learning what you are didn't change that at all. If anything, I loved you more. I will never leave you. It would be equivalent to me ripping my own soul from myself."
The shocked silence filled the air around us as I replayed her words over and over in my head at superhuman speed, reveling in the bubbling fire that felt like it was filling me like a balloon, ready to carry me off into the atmosphere. I gently cupped her face, rubbing my thumbs over her cheeks as they burned against my skin. Her eyes were shining and I felt myself smile softly at her before pressing my lips to hers firmly, moving my mouth against the incomparable softness of her lips. Her hands gripped my shoulders tightly and I dragged a hand away from her cheeks to wrap around her waist and back and pull her as tightly to me as safely possible.
And for the first time in over three hundred years of existence, I was sure that this was heaven and I was being rewarded by the most precious of gifts.