Yes, yes, I know it's been a while. I apologize. Despite knowing EXACTLY what is going to happen chapter by chapter (unless Edward or someone decides to go off script in which case I will be siccing Bella on them), writing hasn't come easily the last few months. Let's just chalk that up to exhaustion. However, we only have a couple more chapters before things get so intensely crazy that you will hate me. So I'm just going to write as much as I can and try to only post if it means you won't get cliffied for months on end. (Seriously. You're not going to want to read chapter 35 and then have to wait until the rest of me catches up. We're all in this together and we have to make it through in one piece, dammit!)

The song for this chapter is Life Can Be Beautiful by Twelve Titans Music. Remember that you can play along with the story on Amazon Music using the special web address below!

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CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: Life Can Be Beautiful
CPOV

She knew.

I still felt like I was floating between disbelief and complete relief. The weight of the secrets I had been carrying and keeping from her had lifted and left me feeling infinitely lighter. But in their place, I was now even more worried about her safety. If the Volturi discovered that I was dating a human who knew our secret, I wasn't sure how they would react.

Condescension and disbelief that I was having a relationship with a human, probably. But after the amusement wore off, would they view her as a threat? I had no immediate plans to change Bella and if Aro knew that, he would consider her a security risk and undoubtedly have her taken care of. Despite our close relationship in the past, I was well aware of how paranoid and powermad my friends were. They couldn't risk anything that threatened their control. I was already enough of an oddity, not to mention my family.

Would our past be enough to keep her out of danger?

"You're thinking so hard that I can see smoke floating out of your ears," Bella teased with a bump to my shoulder. I chuckled and pulled her closer to me. She rested her head against my shoulder. It fit like it had been carved for no other reason than to hold her there comfortably.

"I was lost in my thoughts. I'm still trying to reconcile with the reality that you not only know what I am but that you love me."

"Um, have you met you? How could anyone not love you?" I smiled into her hair and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head.

"You might be a little biased. Or maybe there's some genetic defect that means that you're lured in by all of the mechanisms that my kind possess to draw humans to us but you aren't affected by the survival instincts you own that are supposed to warn you away from predators."

"Did you just say I'm defective?"

"Only in the best ways," I answer glibly and she narrows her eyes at me.

"You know, Edward said that my brain was defective and it's genetic. I'm starting to get the feeling that he takes after his father more than I originally thought." I threw my head back and laughed, holding her against me as she shook with her own laughter.

"I promise I will punish him suitably when we get home. The nerve of him."

"He probably has a punishment kink for all the good it does," she mutters and I couldn't help the broad smile that seemed to have taken up permanent residence on my face.

"I'd rather not think about what Edward does and does not like, thank you very much."

"It's not like you don't know intimate details of everyone in the house. How does that work, by the way? Do you just leave? Do they leave? Is everyone just cool with hearing what everyone else is doing?" Her cheeks are flushed and I know that while she is being cool and unaffected in tone, she's at least a little flustered asking about this.

"It's something you get used to. Most of the time, it takes almost no effort at all to tune everyone else out. But there are times where we separate for some semblance of privacy. I've gone out to give them space and they've also left in deference to my feelings. We're comfortable with each other and that makes it easier and less awkward than you'd imagine."

"No offense but I don't know how someone could ever be okay knowing what Emmett and Rose are doing. He strikes me as someone who is loud. But then I try not to think about it because they haven't invented a way to safely bleach your brain and I don't know if I can live with the horrors of their love stained on my memory."

"We all live with the trauma." She sighs and snuggles closer to me under the sleeping bag. We sit in silence for a few minutes before I feel her tense the tiniest bit.

"Edward and the kids didn't tell me much about your past. They said it was your story to tell. I just got the bare bones of it. I don't want to pry but I am so curious now that there isn't anything standing in the way."

"I'll tell you anything you want to know," I say simply and she pulls away to sit across from me, no doubt to watch my face as I tell her my morbid history.

"Start at the beginning. The stuff that you told me about your dad; was that real?"

"Yes. He was a pastor and he wanted me to follow in his footsteps. He was a vicious man. He saw evil everywhere, especially in the innocent. He was willing, eager even, to accuse innocent people of witchcraft or being evil beings. When I began to study under him, he was disappointed because I didn't see the same things he did. I approached such accusations far more cautiously and with a demand for more evidence than just suspicion. He hated it, hated me. Ironically enough, we did find a vampire." Her breath catches and I rub a hand over her thigh soothingly, not just for her but also for myself. "We tracked him to the sewers but we had no idea what we were really up against. He was feral, starving and as soon as I came upon him, he attacked me." I pull my jacket collar aside to show her my neck. She leans into me, inspecting it with her hands. The scars aren't as visible to the human eye but there is some texture to it. "He ripped my throat apart. I thought that was the end. Just the blinding, excruciating pain and the fear that I was going to die in the sewer, choking on my own blood." Her face is a mask of horror and grief and I pull her into my arms and hold her to me gently.

"I'm not sure why he didn't drink me dry. I can only assume that he was so far gone that he didn't even realize he'd left me alive. The change is… ghastly. Three days of nothing but the worst pain of your life; the kind of pain that makes you wish you were dead. You aren't aware of what's going on around you. You just hear your dying heartbeat in your ears and feel the fire of venom burning through every cell in your body. When I woke up, everything was different. My senses were heightened to a degree that was alarming and disorienting. Newborns are ruled by instinct, much like animals. Nothing is more important than thirst. I don't know what was different about me. Maybe my brain is genetically defective too-" she huffs out a laugh "-but I ran away from the chance to see anyone, to be the monster that I had now become and that had changed me. It was months of hellish torture but I managed to stay away from humans. But the longer I went without feeding, the weaker I became and I felt like I was going as mad as the beast that had changed me.

"I was so far gone to thirst that I stumbled on a herd of deer and I had no other thought but to kill and feed. It wasn't ambrosia: even in my state I was aware that what I was drinking was not the prey I was designed to kill. But it sated my thirst and with that out of the way, reason returned. I obsessed over the theory that I didn't need human blood to survive. I could subsist on animal blood and while it would never be as appealing, it would allow me to retain the piece of myself that I held the most value in: my humanity. I spent months staying away from civilization while I worked on mastering my control. I refused to be the same mindless monster as the thing that had changed me and whether you believe that it was that stubborn desire or, like Jasper, you believe that control is my supernatural gift, it worked. I was able to sneak back to the village I lived in and spy on my father. I've already told you this part but now knowing what I am, you know that I couldn't see him on his deathbed. There were so many things I wanted to say to him but I wouldn't risk my control for him. When he died, I realized there was nothing really tying me to England. So I made my way to the continent, determined to explore it and to integrate into society. While I was in Italy, I was in a small town and I realized too late that it was watched by vampires.

"My experience with others of my kind before hadn't given me much reason to trust. Some were more civilized than others but for the most part, they were all ruled by their animalistic need. These vampires were different. They were refined and cultured. They lived together and enjoyed things like music and the arts. They patronized many famous artists and musicians, serving as inspiration. And with them, I found something I had been yearning for since my change: companionship. We became friends and while they teased me mercilessly about my peculiar and 'unnatural' diet, we were still able to mutually respect each other. I stayed with them for a long time. But eventually, I knew that I couldn't stay. They are the law of our kind. A self-declared mission for them but they have the strength and numbers to be the judge, jury and executioner for those that risk the one law we are all bound to: secrecy.

"It wasn't as bad in the middle ages but with modern invention and industrial revolution came the need for more caution. The Volturi monitor exposure risks and deal with them accordingly. But even I could see that my friends valued their power and position above all else. Despite arguing my side, I knew they would never give up their diet and watching as their victims were paraded in began to wear on me. I valued humanity above all else and I couldn't continue to watch them play at being civilized while feeding like nothing more than animals. I got lucky that around the same time, America was being colonized. I booked myself on board a ship and made my way across the ocean to start fresh.

"I had consumed any kind of medical knowledge I could get my hands on and I was determined to start making a difference. My kind killed so many; I wanted to try and counterbalance that loss by saving as many as I could. Life was good for a while. I was a respected member of the community, even if most felt an aversion to me that they couldn't explain. I made friends. I lived through the revolution trying to save as many people as I could. I had a dear friend who was turned on the battlefield and while I tried to convince him to adopt my lifestyle, he didn't want to go against our natures. And that's how I spent the time before Edward; yearning for companionship, camaraderie, someone to share my views of humanity. And then the Spanish Influenza hit Chicago where I was working." Her hand tightened on my arm.

"Edward," she murmured.

"Yes. I was working insane hours. I would have worked more but humans start to notice when you go without sleep with no side effects. It was… unimaginable. The sheer numbers coming in were overwhelming, even for me. And there was still very little we could do for any of them. It was a constant fight. I had treated Edward's father but he succumbed quickly. Not so quickly that I wasn't reminded of my own father," I said grimly. "Edward's mother was… completely different. She worried only for her son. Whenever she was lucid, she asked how he was doing, begged us to help him. When she was lost to the fever, she still only muttered about him. Towards the end, I was trying to help keep her comfortable and she grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and said 'save my son. You can save him. Please save him.'. I still don't know if she knew what I was or if she was just so desperate for him and so close to death that she would have asked the same of anyone. And then I was left with a conundrum.

"I could save him. I had been toying with the idea of creating a companion. Someone who had the same values I did. Perhaps if I changed someone and they only ever knew the diet I followed, they wouldn't be as adverse to it. But I loathed my transition and I hated the monster that had changed me. I couldn't be that to someone else, couldn't condemn them to the same hell that I lived in. I wouldn't. But here was this boy, on the cusp of manhood, about to succumb to the same disease that had stolen his parents. He wasn't going to survive. If I changed him, he could have a whole life, filled with whatever he wanted. I stewed over it for days. I couldn't erase her grip on my hand, the despair in her eyes when she asked me to save him. It was a gamble waiting that long; he could have died at any time before I made my decision. I'd like to say it was a selfless act on my part; that I simply wanted him to have the chance at a life his mother had been so desperate for. But I was so lonely, Bella. I craved someone like I craved blood. It was an ache inside of me." She pressed her hands to my cheeks and pulled my face down to hers, pressing her forehead against mine.

"I am so sorry that you had to spend so much of your life alone," she whispered. I closed my eyes and pressed her closer to me.

"It was hell while it was happening but I would do it a hundred times over for the promise of you." She blushed deeply and pressed a kiss to my lips.

"What was he like as a newborn? He's annoying as hell now; I can't imagine what he was like when he was basically running on his hindbrain." I chuckled.

"It was confusing for him at first. It's a lot to process and even though our brains can process so much more, it doesn't make it any easier. He was devastated the first few years about his mother. There was no love lost with his father but knowing that his mother suffered before she died really bothered him. And I was basically a stranger. Add to that that he was still a teenage boy and let's be honest, they aren't great at communicating: it was a lot for him. But as time moved on, we both adjusted to having a new life. He didn't really fight me about my diet but I know it was a struggle for him. Plus it turns out he's a mind reader and that was a shock to both of us. One of the Volturi can read minds but his gift differs from Edward's. Edward can hear what anyone is thinking at any given moment within a certain distance. Aro has to touch you but once he does, he can see any thought you've ever had in your lifetime."

"That sounds awful. Who would subject themselves to that level of invasion?"

"Anyone who doesn't want a swift and permanent punishment, usually." Aro might have been a friend but I could still recognize a dictator when I saw one.

"You've lived through so much," she muttered. "I don't understand how you can have any interest in me after everything you've seen and experienced."

"All of it pales in comparison, Bella." She scoffed and I tilted her chin up so she met my gaze. "You are the thing I have been searching for all of my life. I told you that the desire to have someone with me was like an ache and it was. But there's been another ache that no one else has ever soothed. Until you. I met you and it was like I've spent my whole life with a cavern in some deep, dark part of me and then suddenly, I was full. Complete. I am happy to share all of my experiences with you but don't believe for one minute that you are not the best, most important and most exciting thing to ever happen to me. I hang on every word and worship every breath, mon amour. I've endured everything for this, here and now with you." She let out a shuddery breath against my lips.

"You know, it's really hard to stay solid when you say stuff like that. It's like you're trying to get me to melt into a puddle of Bella Soup." I huffed out a laugh.

"Edward used to tell me I have no game. It's nice to see that he was wrong and it was all about the audience." I leaned in and brushed a soft kiss against her lips.

"I don't know why you'd ever listen to Edward anyway. It's Alice you have to watch out for."

"She is truly terrifying."

"It's a good thing she's on our side, then," she said cheekily. I hummed and pressed my face into her neck, breathing her in. "It's very hard to think when you do that," she whispered and I smiled against her skin.

"Then stop thinking."

"I want to but I feel like there's so much we should talk about but also that maybe we shouldn't talk about any of it at all."

"We can talk about whatever you want. I will answer any question you ask."

"Okay. Edward told me you guys move around a lot to avoid suspicion. Is that… is that something you're going to have to do soon?"

"We have a couple of years." Her breath whooshed out of her. "Usually we can stay long enough for Edward and Alice to get through high school and maybe a year or two after that, depending on where it is. Forks allows us the rare opportunity to spend most of our days outside but we have been to places where the kids take night courses at a college."

"Where will you go after this?"

"I don't know," I say honestly. "But I promise we won't leave you behind unless you ask us to. Wherever you're going, I'm going with you." She smirked.

"That's mighty stalkerish of you, Doctor Cullen. What if I go someplace that's always sunny like Arizona or Hawaii?"

"Then I will spend all my days indoors trying to convince you to stay with me and I'll spend every night walking with you under the stars and still trying to convince you to stay with me." She laughed and pushed me away teasingly.

"You make me sound so fickle! We both know that you would hardly need to exert effort to get me to stay with you all day. I'd say you're like an addiction but that sort of implies the ability to give you up and I can't. Not at all." I grinned like the fool in love that I was.

"I'm so sorry," I said without a drop of remorse. She rolled her eyes at me and then snuggled closer. I pulled the sleeping bag up over her shoulders to keep her warm and she hummed.

"Thank you for telling me all of this," she said through a yawn. I stroked my fingers through her hair slowly.

"Anytime, darling."

"I don't suppose you have any pictures from throughout the ages, do you? I know you haven't any from when you were young but I've gotta admit that the idea of seeing nineteen-sixties Carlisle does something to me."

"Oh wait until you see Rococo Carlisle," I teased. "I know you have that thing for the Scarlet Pimpernel. The knee breeches will make you swoon."