6
Our secret
I'm standing at the shrine of the household god at my house with incense sticks. I raise my hand to pay respect to the spirits. As I'm about to say the prayers—not exactly prayers, but a promise that I will not touch alcohol ever again—Puth interrupts me.
"Are you asking for the winning lotto number?"
I glance at my brother in frustration. I'm blaming everyone in this world. No one tried to stop me when I acted crazy in front of Aontakarn. He's my real brother. He could have punched me out of consciousness or carried me home on his shoulder. He should have done whatever it took, so I don't kiss the sweet-faced woman's forehead.
Gosh... I called her awww. I would shoot myself right this instant if I had a gun.
"Mind your own business."
"Why are you mad at me? You got drunk and clingy. Was that my fault?"
"Why didn't you stop me? Why did you let me do all those crazy things?"
"I thought you pretended to be drunk."
"What?! Why would I do that?"
"Maybe you wanted to apologize to her, but you couldn't do that in normal circumstances. So you pretended to be clingy to feel less awkward."
I press my lips together tightly. I want to curse at him, but I don't know what to say. Wait... if he thinks that, what about Aontakarn?
"Geez. Why did things turn out this way? Go away. I want to make a promise."
"What promise?"
"I want to promise that I will never drink alcohol again. If I do, let me die and be reborn as a dog."
"Oh... if you don't drink again, you can't be clingy. I like you better when you're drunk." I don't care to listen to what Puth says. I'm about to make my promise when my brother continues. "Even Karn said that you are cute when you're drunk."
"I swear I... oh, cute?"
"Ah-huh. I think you're funny when you're drunk. Everyone agrees. It's like you're reserved and try to keep your cool when you're you. You don't speak your mind. You don't express your feelings. Alcohol unlocks your inner you."
"I've never heard of the good side of drinking before. Was that a compliment?" I squeeze the incense sticks in my hand and decide not to make a promise. "But... I wouldn't be drinking with you guys again, so what's the point?"
"Why not?"
"I'm no longer a partner."
"What nonsense are you saying? You really don't remember anything? You said, 'I will not resign, no matter what. What would I eat if I resigned?', acting like you're Kong in Ladda Land8."
"I said that?"
"Yes. And you also said that getting to work with Aontakarn makes your heart race and fills you with inspiration. You will not resign. Bla Bla." My jaw drops. Puth has to reach out his hand to smack me in the head so that I can get my act together. "So, come back to work and finish your editing work so we can shoot a new clip. Okay?"
"…"
"Why are you quiet?"
"I'm shocked."
It seems like my life has been like a roller coaster recently. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I just keep thinking about a sweet-faced woman who has a huge influence on me. I'm like a guy who's madly in love with a girl.
8The male lead in a famous movie.
Huh?
Come to think of it... this is really strange.
I'm in a cafe near Aontakarn's office. I'm at the same seat and table. But this time, I'm here like someone who's out of sorts. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I don't know what the female announcer thinks of me at this point.
Since when does what others think of me matter to me? Argh.
Ding
The bell at the front door rings as the door opens, and a petite woman in a brown bodyfit suit walks in. Aontakarn stops and looks at me for a bit before she puts her straight face on and walks over to sit opposite me.
"We meet again. Are you drunk today?"
I'm not sure if that question was intended to be sarcastic or teasing. I wriggle uncomfortably. I want to smile, but I don't dare to do so. So I just blink blankly.
"Am I bothering you?"
"So you're not drunk..." Aontakarn says that flatly and gets to the point. "No, you're not bothering me. You can get to the point."
"I want to..."
"I prefer when you call yourself Chris."
"W... what?" I clear my throat a bit and nod. "I'm not used to it. Can I just use I? I want to talk about that day."
Aontakarn seems disappointed. She nods. "Ah-huh. What about it?" "Puth said that I was clingy. So, I want to talk to you about it and apologize."
"It's okay. You were drunk." Aontakarn waves her hand to call the waiter, and she orders hot coffee. She then turns to talk to me. Why does she seem so normal? She should be at least a little bit mad at me. This is not normal.
"You're not angry with me at all'?"
"For what?"
"For... Ah... Well..." I point to her forehead. Aontakarn's eyes become wide open. She seems to finally remember it.
"Ah..."
"You can be angry..." I raise my hand to apologize to her, like I'm about to cry. "I was out of control. I didn't know what I was doing. I'm not normally like that."
"I'm thinking about what you're really normally like." Aontakarn stretches her arms on the table as if she's stretching. If my eyes didn't play tricks on me, I think I saw her smile. "Is the real you when you're drunk or sober?"
My sweats are forming on my temples. I'm feeling hot and cold at the same time. Who am I in Aontakarn's eyes? And what was that smile on her face?
A mocking laugh?
She thinks that I'm pathetic?
"Well..."
"I'm not angry."
"Huh?"
"You're very frank when you're drunk. It would be nice if you're like that when you're sober." Aontakarn gets to the point. It makes me feel relieved that she's not angry with me.
"Ah... really?"
"Yes."
"It's good that you're not holding a grudge."
"We're close to a certain level now."
"We can be close...?"
Everything goes quiet. Aontakarn stares at me with her brown eyes. She tilts her head to the side and smiles at me slightly.
"Of course. I want to be close to you. But it will be difficult if you don't comply. We'll have to work together for a long time because you've not resigned..."
The sweet-faced woman pauses a bit. She suddenly doesn't dare look me in the eye. I glance at her a little before what Puth said pops up in my head.
"You said she makes your heart race and fills you with inspiration."
My god... I will be embarrassed alongside you. Sob.
"A... ah. We should get close."
"If you don't know where to start... let's start with something simple."
"Like?"
"Like calling yourself 'Chris,' not me. And call me 'Kam', not you. I will try it as well. Do you want to do that?"
I look at the person in front of me. I feel like my face is burning. I want to put my hand on my cheeks to test the temperature, but I'm afraid that Aontakarn will know that I'm embarrassed, so I just clear my throat.
"I will give it a try."
"Try it now... Call me Kam."
"K..."
"..."
"Karn."
"We're close. See?" The slight smile on the lips of the person in front of me puts me in a dreamy state. "But come to think of it, when Chris was drunk, we were closer than this, not counting you kissing my forehead."
"There was more?" I lean in, shocked. "What did I do?"
"You don't remember?"
"I don't remember?"
"Then it's a secret."
"What?!"
"A secret between Chris and Karn."
A secret. I appear shocked as soon as she talks about a secret. To be honest, I don't remember anything except what Puth told me—that I kissed her forehead and called her 'awww'. There's more secret?
What!
"Ah... what secret?"
"I'm not telling." Aontakarn sips her hot coffee that the water served her and puts money on the table before she gets up. "Think about it."
"Wait." I grab the announcer's wrist in panic. But when I see Aontakarn looking at her wrist, I hurriedly let go, as if I were holding a hot iron. "Can't you tell me... Chris really can't remember."
"How about..."
"Huh?"
"Let's go drink together, and I'll tell you."
"How can Chris know it when Chris doesn't remember anything?"
"There must be some lingering memories. You're still you when you're drunk."
"Chris really doesn't remember anything. It's like everything's been deleted from my memory."
"Try to think about it."
"It's all blank."
"Then let it continue to be a secret."
It is evident from the expression on her face that the woman with the sweet face is enjoying herself. Since I've known her, she's never looked at me like this before. We're like friends who are not that close but also not strangers anymore.
What is it... What's the secret? And where can I find the answer!
"She invited you, so go. Why are you overthinking?"
Meen says this nonchalantly when I tell her what happened. I'm at my friend's place. The others can't make it today.
"Can I not overthink? Hey... Aontakarn changed overnight. Her eyes are no longer cold. They are friendly."
"Isn't that good?"
"It's good, but it's strange. If it were you, don't you want to know what happened?" I bite my nails. "There must be something. Rung, my split personality, must have done something strange."
"Your downfall is that you're too shy and nervous. Do you know that... Stop biting your nails this instant. You're not a child anymore." Meen smacks my hand and sighs. "She invited you out to drink. Just go."
"What if I get too clingy to her again?"
"Does she seem unhappy about that? No. She seems to enjoy it and seems closer to you."
"But..."
"Just go... Even if Rung comes out, or if it's a slut, a ghost, or your forth-fifth-sixth personality, just let it be. Because all of those are you."
"What's that? Why do I have so many personalities?" I put my hand on my chest, all stressed out.
"Or don't you want to go?"
"I want to... but I'm afraid that I will do something bad or improper. What if I let it slip that I have had a crush on her for a while now? She will despise me. I'm her business partner, but also her fan?"
"You're thinking too much into it."
"Geez! You're not me." I get up and pace my friend's room. "What if I let it slip that I'm the one who sends her those letters and that my heart races every time I look her in the eye? I will look like a psychopath."
"You are."
"Right?"
"So, what do you want to do?"
"If I go to drink with MY Aontakarn, I want to know what Rung is like." I look at my friend and say what I had in mind before I came here. "So I will drink with you first."
"Ah-huh."
"And I want you to take a video of me... That's what I want to do."