My take on how AsuCaga reconciled and why everyone else was in COMPASS while Athrun chose to stay back in Orb.
This has been sitting completed since March but idk I kept editing it bc I wasn't satisfied and it ended up like this HAHA.
Also, this is cross-posted in my ao3 account.
It had been a long day for Cagalli. In fact, it had been a long week for her.
A week ago, Orb and all other dissident nations against Durandal's Destiny Plan were successful in their mission. But it didn't end there, especially for politicians like her. Once the ceasefire had been announced, Cagalli had been pulled into several directions for peace talks and agreements.
"Cagalli-sama." The chauffeur opened the door for her vehicle and had bowed politely.
"Aaa. Thank you so much for your hard work." She nodded and entered the car, not noticing that the staff blushed with her words of appreciation.
Once the car started to move, she allowed herself to finally relax. She hasn't had much sleep lately and it was extremely hectic the past few days. It was already late by the time she finished today, but work was still piled up. She had to look through a number of documents for tomorrow's conference with the leaders and representatives from the Earth Alliance and PLANTS.
Along with several bodyguards on her tail, they were on the way back to Cagalli's temporary residence here in the Atlantic Federation. Her mind began to wander and was starting to get lost in the view outside but then she felt the need to check her left hand. Sometimes she didn't know whether she'd rather be preoccupied with work so that she wouldn't have time to think about things like these…
She raised her left hand near to her face and sighed.
"It feels strange." She mused to herself, feeling a bit sullen. It was a weird feeling not seeing the twinkle from the gemstone of the ring that used to grace her finger. It felt quite empty if she was being honest. It wasn't as if she had been wearing it for years and yet the moment it left her finger, she already felt like a part of her had gone missing.
She wondered why she was having these doubts again. She had put a lot of thought into this. When she finally took back Orb from the corrupt Seirans, she steeled her determination to rule Orb and become a better leader for the citizens. Admittedly, she had a lot of shortcomings and had been naïve, which was why she had been easily manipulated and her voice was drowned out. She swore that she would never let that happen again and to maintain Orb's ideals, those that had been instilled to her by her father.
To that end, she would have to make a sacrifice, that's why she removed the ring. Orb would always come first, she decided.
If she were to fully bear the responsibility of being Orb's leader, then she had to focus. She had to devote herself to her country and her citizens. Being a leader meant that her wants and needs would take a backseat over the people. This is why instead of charging straight to destroy Requiem and Neo-Genesis with the Archangel, Eternal, and Orb fleets, she chose to stay behind. As Orb's Chief Representative, she had to oversee and command them from afar, make the tougher decisions and most of all, take responsibility of whatever could happen to Orb.
With everything that's happening, she would always be pre-occupied with matters of the nation. There were so many things to take care of… reconstruction efforts, relief operations, negotiations and policy reform to start... How would she even have the time to be in a proper relationship with Athrun? They couldn't have the same kind of relationship that Kira and Lacus have.
Before Archangel left for space, he saw she no longer was wearing the ring. She also noticed him in the periphery of her vision that he wanted to talk and approach her. But before he could do so, she walked away, not looking back. She felt so bad, but she didn't want to waver in her decision. This was her answer to him.
She felt so much guilt that she didn't talk to him properly about this. At that point, she wouldn't have been able to, so she chose not to face him. So, she didn't even know if Athrun understood or accepted this. It was better this way because having him by her side wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair that he would only get crumbs of her attention. It wasn't fair that she couldn't even find the time to talk to him or spend time with him. She couldn't walk around freely with him without being scrutinized by the public. She could not give him what he wanted. Not now at least.
He deserved to be loved. Athrun had so much love to give and he deserves that kind of love to be reciprocated. Athrun had suffered so much, and he needed someone by his side to always support him and give him comfort. By staying with her, he would always have to wait and endure. She didn't want that for him. And because she loved him dearly, she wanted him to be happy and smiling, always. Even if it wasn't with her that was making him smile.
She would never forget the expression that he had on his face back at Crete. He was incredibly hurt and betrayed that she almost married Yuna. That haunted her until now and she didn't want him to ever experience that kind of pain ever again.
That's why, when she found out about Meyrin, instead of being threatened and jealous, she felt relief. She was very grateful that Athrun was able to come back to them alive because of her help. To betray ZAFT to help Athrun live despite the consequences, it was very gutsy and brave. Athrun said he barely even talked with her and was wondering why she did all those. But Cagalli knew that it was probably because she liked him. It wasn't hard to feel that way towards Athrun, he was a kind person after all. That kindness even extended to her when they met as enemies in that deserted island.
Knowing that there was someone else willing to risk their life for him, Athrun would be in good hands, and she need not worry. Whenever he thought of doing something stupid or risky again, someone could watch over him and stop him. He would be taken care of, which is something he deserves. She didn't know her that well, but her actions leave no room for doubt. Athrun would be loved even more than she was able to provide him. Meyrin was able to give all of that. To her that was enough.
When she told Meyrin to take care of him, she had managed to tell her without giving it away that it pained her to say this. When she walked away though, her tears fell even if she was trying to restrain them. She didn't expect that it would hurt this much, even if she knew she was doing right by Athrun.
When she was sending the crew off to space, Cagalli hugged Kira and Lacus goodbye. When it came to Athrun, however, she had no clue what to do. She wanted to hug him, but at the same time, didn't she already have her resolve? Hugging him would make things more complicated and she didn't want that, so she gave him a smile. But then she was surprised when Athrun took a deep breath and went for a hug, in front of others no less. She was full of confusion. Why was he hugging her? Wasn't he mad about the ring and how she ignored him? How should she react now?
She wanted to pull away, but he held her tight, not caring that he was doing all this where others could see. At this point, she told herself that it was okay to be selfish this one time. She wanted to hold him too. This would be their last anyways.
And so, she hugged him back, afraid that if she didn't, she would regret it her whole life. She might have held him too tight because she felt him wince a bit, but still he didn't let go. He was too kind, she thought to herself. She hoped that he would always be safe and when this was all over, she hoped that he could always be happy, even if it's not by her side anymore. She hoped that he knew that she really loved him too from the bottom of her heart. It had been his for the longest time already.
She hoped that her feelings reached him with that one hug.
That night when she got home, she cried for hours.
With this decision, things would really change. She would no longer go home to find him waiting for her or eating breakfast with her before they started their day. No more chatting or spending precious moments with each other. He wouldn't be beside her, nor could she reach out for comfort when she needed it. He would no longer dry her tears and hold her when she wanted to cry. All of them would only be precious memories she'd hold dear. From this day on, she was all on her own.
The thought of Athrun looking at someone else so full of love, being by that person's side, holding them close… All the things that once only was for her… broke her. She was only imagining it now and it made her tear up, what more if she witnessed it for herself? She may not be able to keep her emotions in check.
She clutched the ring on her palm and continued to sob. She didn't know why she kept it too instead of returning it to him. When she was about to marry Yuna, she entrusted the ring to Kira so he could give it back to Athrun. But now, why didn't she give it back? Why did she keep it tucked away in her drawer instead?
Maybe it was because she always wanted to cherish this point in her life. While they may now be apart, the ring was a reminder of what once was. The way that it ended may have been bittersweet, but at least at some point, they were very much in love. This ring would serve as a reminder that in her life, she experienced a love like this, a love that was unconditional despite her flaws. Despite everything, she was still glad that she met him, that she was able to love him and be loved in return.
That night, she poured all her heart out as Cagalli, a girl that was heartbroken over a lost love. She gave herself this time because the next day, she needed to pull herself together and resume to be Cagalli Yula Athha, Orb's chief representative.
"Cagalli-sama. We're here." Her driver's words cut into her train of thoughts. She didn't expect to space out that intently. Maybe she was that exhausted from the day, and sad if she was being more honest.
"Thank you. Please get some rest." She thanked her chauffeur and got off the vehicle.
She went inside and prepared herself to pick up the remaining work that she had left.
At least working can take her mind away from these intrusive thoughts.
The conference was finished, and Cagalli was on her way back to Orb using a private shuttle. The few days spent with other world leaders have been grueling. It wasn't easy coming to an agreement as everyone had their country's interests in mind. So far, she is happy with the progress they are making to ensure peace. It wasn't an easy road, but they will get there.
On her flight back, she read a message from Lacus. Her schedule seems a lot busier now. After the ceasefire of the last battle, Lacus had some business in the PLANTs, so she headed there first. Kira and Athrun went back to Orb with the Archangel and Orb military. Lacus joined them after a few days along with Shinn, Lunamaria and Meyrin. They all went to visit the memorial by the coast.
It surprised her that Shinn came to visit. After all, when they last met, he was so full of resentment towards Orb and the Atthas. He even went as far as pointing his own gun at Orb and fighting against it. She wondered how he's been after everything. Is he doing better now? Is he healing? Lacus' message said that Kira invited him to join them, and he agreed, which had been a relief for her. It looks like Shinn is starting to heal and she is very much happy for him.
Even if he acted so bratty and disrespectful to her, she knew that he wasn't a bad person. He was a boy who lost his family because of Orb's decisions, because of her father's decisions. He was a victim of war, deeply hurt and broken. Instead of protecting them, Orb let his family down. After the war, it was the PLANTs that took him in when he had nothing. Even after all that he'd done, she understood and accepted all his pain and anger.
She hoped that she would also get a chance to talk to him properly. The last time they met, nothing that she said would get through to him. She hoped now that she could apologize to him for what happened to his family, she didn't know better.
She kept reading the mail and noted that Lacus needed to get back to PLANTs as negotiations with the council were still ongoing, and that Kira, Athrun and the Minerva crew were all going to accompany her.
Reading that Athrun would head back to the PLANTs made her heart drop. She knew she should have expected it given all that transpired. She did take off his ring and left him to the care of another person after all. But a part of her wished that he would stay in Orb. But she shrugged those selfish thoughts away. What could possibly be here in Orb for him? The PLANTs is his hometown. Here in Orb, he was Alex Dino, but in PLANTs, he was Athrun Zala. He doesn't need to hide his identity. Kira and Lacus are going to be there. His friends are there. Meyrin would be there. What's left here in Orb for him?
She rested her eyes for a bit as she felt them start to water. She let herself calm down before reading anything more.
When her eyes finally opened, she found that her personal shuttle already landed. It was late in the night when they got back to the Athha Estate in the mainland of Yalafath. It appears that she was drained to the point that she fell asleep on the flight back. She felt a bit drowsy from having her sleep cut short and she massaged her temple. The engine of the shuttle turned off and she stood up to alight the craft. A group of guards and soldiers greeted her with a salute. She acknowledged and thanked them for their efforts. They must be tired too.
She entered her residence, and she was greeted with silence, save for the guard that opened the door for her. It got so late that not even Mana stayed up to wait for her. She always did, but she's glad that she hit the sack instead of waiting for her to arrive.
Arriving at her residence like this made her feel so lonely. Before the war, she and Mana would wait for her father to come home, but there would be times that she would fall asleep while doing so.
When her father passed, her new company was Athrun. There were times she went home with Athrun, and they got dinner together. Other times, she would go home to him waiting for her. Sometimes if Athrun was already sent away by Mana, she was comforted by the fact that he was already in his room resting when she got home. Even if she didn't see him on those times, it made her look forward to talking with him in the mornings.
Going home to Athrun and getting to spent brief moments with him in the mornings, that would not happen anymore… She smiled bitterly.
If only she knew, she would have sneaked out of her room to knock on Athrun's door so they could talk more, despite Mana's protests. She would have tried more to spend some time with him but there was no use regretting things now.
She decided to go to her office first and place the documents on her desk before going to bed. She'd rather not bring them to her bedroom because she'll end up looking through them and once she does, she'd be up all night until sunrise. She really needed to rest as tomorrow will also going to be a long day.
She opened the door to her office and stopped in her tracks, a light gasp came out of her mouth. The bag containing the documents dropped to the floor out of shock.
Has she become extremely exhausted that she started to hallucinate? Was she already asleep and dreaming? This must be the case because she couldn't believe what she was seeing.
It was Athrun!
It was Athrun?
He was here!
No way! Why?
When she opened the door, Athrun stood up from the chair in her office's receiving area. He picked up the bag and seemed to know to put it on her desk. He was in his casual clothes and when he turned back to face her, he greeted her with the gentlest expression that it made her weak in the knees.
"A-ah… Ah… E-eh…" She could only manage to stutter as he rushed towards her and pulled her into his arms. The past few days she had been confident and full of conviction speaking with a lot of high-profile leaders. She didn't need any prompts, she knew what she had to say and yet somehow today, with his unexpected appearance, coherent thoughts and words seem to be eluding her.
Like the last time that he held her, she didn't know how to react. Her mind was full of confusion. Why was he here? She thought he headed back to the PLANTs with Kira and Lacus? What's going on? Did he still have some business with her?
When he didn't let go and held her tighter, she finally relaxed and returned his embrace. She missed him terribly. She was extremely happy that he was safe, that he came back and was right here in front of her very eyes. She didn't think she would be able to hold him like this again and they stayed like that for a while. She was overwhelmed with a myriad of emotions within her that she couldn't stop herself from tearing up.
Athrun noticed this and let go of their hug so he could take a proper look at her face. She couldn't even hide her face because he immediately cupped her cheeks with his hands and tilted it so that she would look him in the eye. Cagalli couldn't help but suddenly feel conscious that he was so close. It was a long day for her, and it was a tiring trip back, she probably seemed so worn out and her eyes were now probably red too.
But with the way that Athrun gazed at her, she was certain that it didn't matter to him. He tenderly wiped away her tears and tucked some strands of her. He inched closer and nuzzled his forehead against her. His face was too close, but Cagalli didn't mind and closed her eyes, her hands clenching the fabric of Athrun's clothing. Just being with him gave her so much solace after a very long day.
"Athrun… why?" She managed to finally ask him.
She was quietly sniffing and desperately trying to stifle her tears when Athrun said to her. "I'm home, Cagalli." She jerked her head up and looked at him, his eyes were sparkling and so full of fondness.
Tears started to flow from her eyes more freely now. With those three words and the way he looked at her, she decided she would no longer hold herself back.
She threw herself at him, her arms hugging him with all her might, the force sending the two of them to the floor with Athrun managing to land on his backside, just like when she threw herself at him back in Minerva. Cagalli heard him yelp at that, but he didn't seem to be hurt so she buried herself in his chest and cried her heart out.
She had conditioned herself for the past few days that he would no longer come back. She thought that after all that she'd done, he would walk away and wouldn't look back. She had been harboring so much pain all this time, she was so lonely. Athrun was so important to her after all. In all her moments, happy or sad, she wanted to share it with him, even now.
She felt him encircle her into his arms and held her dearly. She always found this gesture so comforting, and she was glad that she got to be spoiled by him again. She had been enduring these painful feelings for several weeks now and having Athrun here with her made her want to rely on him. She was being truly honest with herself; she didn't want him to go anywhere else but here with her.
But she still doesn't understand why he came back. Yes, she was glad that he was here, but why did he want to be by her side even though it wouldn't be the smooth sailing? Why would he want to be with someone that couldn't put him first? There was someone else that was more suited to be with him and support him…
In her head, there were a lot of reasons why he should just forget about her and move on. But in her heart, if the situations were reversed and if she were in Athrun's position, she knew what her decision would be, and she would stand by it no matter what. Besides, you don't love someone just because you expect something in return. Love is something that should be unconditional, not transactional.
This is probably the choice that Athrun was making right now.
Ah, Athrun was such a fool.
But then again so was she.
They stayed like that for a while until Cagalli calmed down. At first, they were lying on the floor of her office. Athrun asked her if she wanted to at least sit on the sofa, but she frankly didn't have any energy left in her to even care or stand up. But Athrun worried about her getting body aches in the morning for being in such an uncomfortable position, so he carried her in his arms to her room, much to her initial protest.
He plopped her down on her bed and wished her good night. But as he started to walk away, Cagalli held the hem of his clothing, refusing to let him leave. So now, they ended up in her bed tangled around each other with Cagalli using Athrun's chest as a pillow while he kept running his fingers through her hair.
If Mana were to see them now, she would scold them both, but good thing she was now asleep. But maybe Mana gave them space to talk which was why she went ahead instead of waiting for her to get back like she usually does.
Cagalli was perfectly satisfied staying like this until she fell asleep. She could hear the steady beating of his heart and the rise and fall of his chest. Athrun also hummed contently with his eyes closed. He was patting her hair, making her relax even more.
She could fall asleep anytime now but tried to stay awake because she felt the need to break the ice and talk about what was needed to be discussed between them.
"Uhm… When did you get back?" She asked.
"Yesterday. I sent a message, but you may have been busy and didn't see it?"
Cagalli did receive it but didn't open the message. She was scared to read what Athrun might have written and pushed back reading it until it slipped her mind.
"I haven't read it… Sorry…" It was a half-truth, but she didn't feel like admitting that it wasn't just because she was busy that she didn't look at it.
"That's okay." He shrugged it off like it was no big deal which eased her worries about the content of that message.
"Are you going with Lacus and Kira to PLANTs?" Her attention was now on the Haumea amulet as she fiddled the gemstone with her fingers. Her heart was warm that he still had in with him, close to his heart.
"We'll go in two days. It's really to accompany Kira, instead of Lacus, if I'm being honest. I'm more worried about him getting lost and wandering around PLANTs while Lacus is working." She heard him sigh in exasperation, which made her smile. While he may act like he's annoyed about this, but she knows he's always worrying about Kira.
"I see…" She trailed off, not knowing what to say. Athrun seemed to be perfectly calm and content, laying here with her beside her.
"Don't worry, I'll come back after that's done." It seemed like he was reading her mind with that reassurance, but she was grateful for it.
They started to fall into silence again, but she didn't want to sleep without clearing things up first.
"Uhm…" She started again, nervously.
"What is it?"
"The ring… You're not going to ask me about the ring? I didn't talk to you about removing it after all…" She was curious and half-expected him to tense up with that question, but he remained relaxed, so she continued. "Are you angry with me?"
He squeezed her shoulder and shook his head. "I've given it a lot of thought after we met again in Orb… And honestly, I would feel terrible if I held you back in fulfilling your duties to Orb… I don't ever want to put you in that position ever again. That's why… Putting Orb first is the right thing to do. This time, I understand and accept it." His voice was firm and yet it was very gentle and warm. There were no hints that he was lying, nor did it contain resentment of any kind. Cagalli even thought that he would be furious with her, because she felt like she was betraying him for the second time.
"Athrun…" She lifted herself from their position and rested on her weight on her elbow so she could look at him.
"I know I was very impatient and acted like a child in the past, but we don't need to rush things... Besides, you didn't return the ring to me, it means that I still have a chance, right?" He turned to his side so he could also face him, he was smiling the whole time. Cagalli even thought he was being smug with that last comment.
"I didn't take it off because I didn't want to be with you…" She admitted, her voice laced with guilt. "It's just with so many things going on, I won't be able to spend as much time with you as you'd like… Tensions between Coordinators and Naturals still haven't eased… Then there's Orb's reconstruction efforts to worry about, the endless negotiations and talks, then there's other government duties too…" She babbled about too many things at once, as if trying to convince Athrun that he was making the wrong choice, even though she was also conflicted and didn't want him to go. But these things, they had to talk about them one way or another.
"Cagalli…" Athrun wanted to interject, but she kept on talking.
"What if you have a bad day and you can't go to me for comfort because I'm stuck in a meeting or on a business trip somewhere? I can't even go outside with you and do normal things that couples do…" Even if Athrun said that he would wait, Cagalli still felt like he was getting the short end of the stick, and she wasn't okay with that.
Athrun cupped her right cheek with his free hand to get her attention and stop her from rambling any further.
"It's just that, if I'm caught up in so many things, how can you rely on me? It's not fair to you at all…" Her voice was trembling, and she was about to cry again. Just thinking about how lonely he would feel made her incredibly sad. "I don't want that for you…"
"Cagalli…" He had this soft expression on his face that sent her insides in a frenzy. "If you take a moment of your time to think about me, no matter how little that time would be, then that already will make me happy."
"Why are you satisfied with just that?" That was so absurd to her. Why was he willing to accept this little just to be with her?
Athrun was gazing at the ceiling seemingly in deep thought before he answered. "When I was younger, there was a point in time when my father sent me to attend preparatory school in Copernicus. I was too young to be left alone by my own devices so my mother moved to the moon with me. This is where we met Kira and his parents. Then, when tensions between Naturals and Coordinators rose, we moved back to the PLANTs. Soon after, my mother had to relocate to Junius Seven to work on improving PLANTs self-sufficiency for food… Well, you know all this already…"
Cagalli kept quiet and listened intently. She already knew about Athrun's younger years but was wondering where he was going with this.
"My father stayed in Aprilius One because of work. My parents… they weren't together all the time, but they did find the time for each other. Most of the time, we would talk on the phone. Sometimes it was long, most of the time it was short. There were days when my father would be extremely busy and couldn't call. But when he finally did, my mother was always all smiles after each one." Athrun smiled fondly recalling those memories of his parents and it made Cagalli happy too.
"My mother and I would go to PLANTs during school breaks, or my father would go to the moon when he had time off. That was the case too when my mother lived in Junius Seven for her work… until of course, that incident…" Now, Cagalli could sense a tinge of sadness when his voice trailed off.
"But you know what, when we did get to reunite, even if it was brief, my mother and father, they were so content in the company of each other. My mother always looked forward to every single one. My father too… When we were all together, I've never felt that they've grown apart despite the long times spent away from each other."
"Looking at them, I always thought 'Ah, my mother and father truly love each other'. I know it was hard for them to be living away from each other most of the year, but they still made sacrifices because they each had something that they needed to do. They endured it all for the brief moments that they could see each other again. No matter how long or how far apart they were, their hearts never wavered."
"Athrun…" It finally dawned on her why he was telling her all this.
"You understand what I'm trying to say, right?" Athrun turned his focus on her this time.
Cagalli hesitated but slowly nodded. His parents' situation was also unlike other couples. His father had to stay back in Aprilius as he worked in politics. Dis mother had to accompany her son as he attended school and eventually had to focus on her own work. There must have been times that they must have felt so lonely without the company of their beloved, but that doesn't mean that they needed to give up on each other just because they couldn't always be together.
"You have your duties as the Representative of Orb, and I too have my own to fulfill as Athrun Zala. We both have the same dreams. That's why…" He leaned over and Cagalli closed her eyes in anticipation only to feel a kiss on her forehead. "…there's no need to rush."
This eased her worries tenfold and relief started to flood her system. She kept thinking about the present when it came to him. But if Athrun's line of sight was the same as hers, then it should be okay. They should first focus on things that they need to do, but at the same time, still try their best to be there for each other as much as they can.
"I understand…" She smiled and acknowledged her defeat. "What we can do and what we should do… Right?"
Athrun nodded, his eyes gleaming with joy. "Cagalli, also…"
"What is it?"
"You're my home. You've been my home for the longest time. The only place I can return to is right by your side." His face was full of love and affection when he uttered these words to her and she could only feel so much gratefulness and overwhelming bliss. How she felt so fortunate to have met someone like him, someone that has a love for her that is so deep, true and most of all, patient.
She couldn't manage to give a response as tears started to stream down her face again. Athrun pulled her close, he kissed her hair and squeezed her tight.
"Will you let me stay by your side, Cagalli?" He asked, now his voice was filled with concern and worry that she'd say no.
She raised her head to face him and nodded. "Please stay… Please wait for me…" She said in between sniffles. She pledged that she would try to the best of her abilities to be there for him until then, even if it wasn't to the extent that she wanted it to.
"Then I will be right here waiting for you." Athrun's eyes were twinkling when he made that promise. He then inched closer to her. She understood what he wanted and closed her eyes. His lips on hers warmed her whole heart.
Athrun was right, there was no need to rush things. They both had things that they needed to do right now that was of vital importance and their own relationship would need to take a back seat most of the time. But that didn't mean that things between them couldn't work out. There was no need for them to be like Kira and Lacus. Their circumstances are completely different. There was no need to be like any other couple for that matter.
Cagalli is the current chief representative of Orb. She will always put Orb first and she's grateful that Athrun accepts this part of her completely. She realized it was selfish of her to decide on her own without properly talking to him. But now, she can rest assured that they were on the same page. It wasn't just Athrun that put up with this and wait a bit more, she too had to do the same. They both had to endure a little more. Just a little bit more and they could also pursue their own happiness.
If their hearts are always connected, no matter how far apart they are, they'll always find their way back to each other.
That night, Cagalli had the most comfortable and peaceful sleep she's ever had in months.