Doofenshmirtz holding a party platter!
Heinz had promised himself he wouldn't cry, and like a great many of his promises (ruling the Tri-State Area, being married to Charlene till death do they part, and remembering his neighbor's nut allergy) he was about to break this one. But it was just such a happy occasion! His daughter was finally graduating! Well, technically, the party he was at wasn't to commemorate Vanessa's graduation (he, Charlene, and Vanessa had their own much more sedate celebration already), but rather Vanessa's girlfriend Candace's graduation. But they were at the same school, they were graduating at the same time, and so it counted in Heinz's opinion.
Heinz was definitely not a party person. He wasn't much of a people person in general, with the exception of Vanessa, of course. And Perry the Platypus, if Perry the Platypus counted as a person. And Norm, who had insisted on coming with him. But nonetheless he allowed Vanessa to drag him to the Flynn-Fletcher family so he could celebrate Candace's graduation along with the Flynn-Fletcher parents (Linda looked so familiar…) Candace's brother Phineas; her stepbrother Ferb; their friends Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet; her best friend Stacy; and her pet platypus Perry. (When he saw Perry the Platypus again, the semiaquatic egg laying mammal of action would get such a kick out of learning he had a doppelganger!)
And of course there was also Candace's boyfriend Jeremy. From what Vanessa told him, it meant Candace was simultaneously dating Vanessa and Jeremy at the same time, but Jeremy and Vanessa were not dating each other. Which was a relief, because having been a teenaged boy once upon a time (and recalling Vanessa's previous boyfriends), Heinz had a low opinion of any boy who put his hands on Vanessa. Much better for her to be dating a girl, especially one as normal as Candace. Now Heinz was an old fashioned kind of guy at heart and he did not understand this whole polyamory thing. But as long as Vanessa was happy, who the heck cared? He didn't understand a lot of the fundamental forces of the universe, but that hadn't stopped him from harnessing them for evil, now did it?
The party was so boring, though. It was all happiness and joy and festivities, and, look, Heinz wasn't evil anymore. He wasn't! He was even watching his carbon footprint (which turned out to not be as literal as he'd thought). But right now, he was considering busting out one of the old Inators just to watch the chaos. Wait a second! A brilliant idea occurred to him! He didn't have to use an old Inator – not when the new one he'd created would work so well!
"I'll be back, sweetie pie," Heinz promised Vanessa as he walked to the door. I'm just picking up one of my inators to spice things up."
"No, dad, don't!"
Don't leave without me, Vanessa was no doubt about to say, Heinz decided as he drove back to his building in his flatbed microbus. But this was a one person job. Then he realized it was a two person job, kind of, so he went back to the Flynn-Fletcher house, grabbed Norm, returned to Doofenshmirtz Good Incorporated and had them cart his newest Inator back to the Flynn-Fletcher house.
"BEHOLD!" he shouted as he carted the device into the living room. "The Backstoryinator!" Everyone looked at him with vague concern, but that was honestly a better reception than he was used to, so he charged ahead.
Vanessa put her hands on her hips. "Dad. I thought you'd given up evil."
"Evil?" Linda whispered to Lawrence. Had her daughter hooked up with the daughter of a criminal?
"Oh, I think he used to run telethons," Lawrence remembered. Linda relaxed. Telethons, while very, very evil, were not exactly dangerous.
Heinz waved his hands frantically. "No, no, it's not for evil! Well, maybe it is evil depending on your viewpoint, but it's all perfectly legal! You see, I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, am going to be running for the mayor of Danville in the next election!"
"Don't we already have a Mayor Doofenshmirtz?" Stacy pointed out.
"Yes, but he's a dummkopf," Heinz said dismissively. "You see, even though I have renounced evil, I still yearn to rule the Tri-State area with an iron glove and a velvet fist! Or vice versa depending on my mood! So I realized I could acquire the position legitimately! Apparently, my political advisor –"
"I'm Norm!"
"–says voters like an inspirational backstory! And my backstory inspired me down a path of evil, so it only makes sense it might inspire voters to vote for me!"
Phineas leaned in towards Ferb. "Uh, Ferb, did that make any sense to you?"
"No, but the political realm is strange and unfathomable, so I'm not ruling it out."
Heinz gestured grandly at the machine. "The BACKSTORYINATOR will extract the most important parts of my backstory and show it to the people who need to look at it most: the voters! Today, it's time for a test run!"
Linda frowned. She wasn't overly fond of her daughter's girlfriend's father and didn't think he was especially sane. But then again, this was Candace's party, so she'd let her have the final say. "Candace?"
Candace considered the options available to her for a while, but at the end of the day, Vanessa had been about to bring out Kleptocracy and she couldn't let Jeremy see her get crushed as always, so it wasn't like she had a better option. Besides, maybe she'd get to see some cute baby pictures of Vanessa. "Sure, why not?"
Heinz cackled malevolently as he fired up the Backstoryinator. "Soon, the people of the TRI-STATE AREA will know my sad past and let me lead them into a glorious but non-evil future! And a double shot of backstory for us for good measure!" He shot himself with the ray from the Backstoryinator.
"But, dad, what about the limbo contest we planned?" Norm protested and then he bent down to demonstrate his mad limbo skills and collided with the device and the second shot ricocheted off a mirror and the walls and just about every available surface, colliding with every person in the room in turn.
Heinz groaned. "Oh, great. Now we have to watch everyone's backstory individually. Unless, of course, everyone has an interconnected backstory worthy of some, I don't know, Disney cartoon or something. But I mean, what are the odds of that?"
The Backstoryinator started projecting an image on the wall. It was…of a calendar ticking off dates?
[There's a hundred and four days of summer vacation
"Wait, you guys get 104 days of summer vacation?" Heinz demanded. That was so unfair! "Back in Drusselstein, we had school all year. Also, 104 days? Summer itself is only 93 days! And most school districts only get six weeks!"
"Mayor Doofenshmirtz believes a healthy body is the key to a healthy mind!" Phineas said chirpily. "He proposed the initiative back when he was on the city council, of course." Heinz growled. Of course his goody-two-shoes brother was behind this.
Then school comes along just to end it
So the annual problem for our generation
Is finding a good way to spend it
Despite everything, Candace couldn't help but feel hope bloom in her chest for the umpteenth time when she saw Phineas and Ferb. It had been a long time since she'd truly felt the manic urge to bust Phineas and Ferb. She still tried her best – she wouldn't be Candace without it – but these days, it didn't bother her as much when she failed. Dating both Jeremy and Vanessa, champions of calm and composure, had helped her mellow out a lot more. But still, while she knew it wouldn't last – some weird beam would come from the sky and reverse everything again like it always did – she hoped she'd at least be able to temporarily bust Phineas and Ferb.
Like maybe...
Building a rocket
Linda thought it was so adorable that the invention was projecting some scenes from Phineas and Ferb's imagination. And what an imagination they had! If she didn't know any better – which she obviously did – she'd assume it was real.
Or fighting a mummy
"I don't think we actually fought that mummy, though, Ferb," Phineas recalled.
Or climbing up the Eiffel Tower
"We haven't done that either," Phineas said. "But we totally should, Ferb! Put it on the list!"
Discovering something that doesn't exist
Candace proudly flourished her Discovering Something That Doesn't Exist patch. Vanessa gave a soft grin. While the idea of being a Fireside Girl never appealed to her in the slightest, she was still proud of all of Candace's accomplishments.
Phineas: Hey!
Or giving a monkey a shower
The circumstances they actually did that were radically different, but it happened eventually. Ferb recalled an irresistible compulsion to give that monkey a shower. But then again, it had really smelled, so maybe it had nothing to do with these images. Maybe.
Surfing tidal waves
"Aw, look at them, surfing just like we did when we went to Hawaii," Lawrence recalled.
Creating nanobots
"Ha!" Candace said, pointing at Linda. "I told you! Nanobots. That's what those yellow things were."
Norm pouted at the sight of the nanobots. He'd been so close to victory when Perry had thwarted him with those things. His gaze shifted over to Perry, who seemed almost paralyzed with fear and indecision, unsure about whether or not to break his cover. Unlike his dad, Norm knew very well Perry's true identity. It was trivially obvious. But he hadn't given away the secret because it wasn't any of his business.
Or locating Frankenstein's brain
"Of course they're tampering with the fundamental laws of nature and playing god," Candace muttered.
"Oh, Candace, there's nothing wrong with having a big imagination," Linda said. "Don't we all sometimes fantasize about wresting power from the icy jaws of death?"
"No," Lawrence said after two minutes of careful consideration. "No, we don't."
Phineas: It's over here!
Finding a dodo bird
"Oh, yeah, remember when we ran into one of those when we went to visit grandma and grampa?" Phineas said. "That was a fun time!"
"For you, maybe," Candace muttered.
Painting a continent
"Ah, our time at the living desert," Phineas said. "I sure miss Django." He and his parents had moved to Canada not too long after the living desert episode…of their lives.
Or driving our sister insane
"SEE!" Candace screamed, causing everyone to jump. "They do drive me insane on purpose! It's a plot! A conspiracy to make my life miserable!"
Phineas frowned. He really didn't like the idea this was how his beloved sister thought of him. Of course he didn't go out of his way to drive her insane. How could she ever have thought that of him? "Candace, you know we love you."
"Then why do you keep on making these projects?! Huh?!"
Phineas had no idea what to say. "We didn't do them to drive you insane, Candace. We just do them because they're fun. Besides, we always ask you to participate and you usually say no."
Candace sighed. Maybe she was being too harsh. "I guess."
Candace: Phineas!
As you can see
There's a whole lot of stuff to do
Linda gave a proud smile. So much imagination, so little time. No wonder Candace was constantly talking about all the impossible things Phineas and Ferb were supposedly doing. If their imagination was this vivid, it obviously made sense even someone otherwise very sensible like Candace would be taken in.
Before school starts this fall
Phineas: Come on Perry!
So stick with us
'Cause Phineas and Ferb are gonna do it all!
So stick with us
'Cause Phineas and Ferb are gonna do it all!
Candace: Mom! Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence!]
"Well, that was certainly an interesting experience," Linda said, moving to get up from the couch.
"Wait a second!" Heinz said. "That was only the beginning! We haven't actually shown any of my backstory. Though, I don't even know if we'll get to my backstory, because it mostly seems like Phineas and Ferb's backstory…"
Candace shook her head. She was going to be going to college in the fall.
Obviously, it'd be stupid if she was a college aged adult trying to bust her brothers, which is why this summer was her last chance. She had to take all the opportunities she could. "Come on, mom. It's my graduation party. I want to see more."
Well, there was no arguing with that logic, Linda supposed. "All right, Candace. Let's watch the story of Phineas and Ferb."