Mike POV
There was a knock at the door.
I left the kettle boiling as I went to see who it was. It was late, and I wasn't expecting anyone. Part of me thought it would just be some kids having a laugh.
It wasn't a kid, but it was one of mine.
"Tracy?"
Lightning flashed behind her. With my curtains drawn I hadn't realised just how bad the storm outside had gotten.
"Come in, you're getting drenched out there."
It was then I realised something was wrong. Tracy hadn't said a single word to me, and she didn't seem to want to move either. I placed my hand on her back and pushed her inside.
"I'll go get you a towel."
I hurried upstairs, Tracy still motionless. She was worrying me now: Tracy was never this quiet for this long. I brought a towel down and handed it to her. She held it and then stopped.
"Come on, Tracy. You're dripping you're so wet."
She was soaked through. Her hair was dripping onto the floor, her jacket seemed to stick to her, and I was sure the layers underneath weren't dry. And her jeans looked like they could be wrung out.
Tracy still didn't move.
I took the towel off her and began to dry her hair. I gently squeezed the water out of it, then wrapped it up for a moment. I took her jacket off and found my earlier suspicions to be true. Tracy was soaked from head to toe.
"Did you walk here? What happened to that perfectly good car?"
"I didn't feel able to drive."
I looked at her, puzzled. "Didn't feel able to drive but walked the half an hour here?"
Tracy didn't answer.
I led her to the living room, showing her to sit down on the sofa. "I was just making a hot drink. I'll go get you one, and then find you some dry clothes. I could take you back to yours actually, and..."
"No, please!" Tracy interrupted me, her voice full of fear. "I don't want to go home."
"Ok, we'll stay here, it's ok." I went through to the kitchen to make Tracy and myself a hot chocolate. As I did so I tried to think about where I could get some clothes from. Tracy was adamant we weren't going to hers, but there was no way I could get mine to fit...
Elm Tree. She always had a spare set, and I was sure there were pyjamas there too. Being 9:00 she was almost certain to stay the night, and that way she'd be more comfortable.
I went back through to the living room with the drinks. "I'll have this, then I'll go to Elm Tree. I can pick up your clothes there." Truthfully I also wanted to talk to Gina, to warn her about the state Tracy was in, so hopefully she'd be able to join me in supporting her.
Tracy didn't move. She didn't touch her drink. She was like a statue, set in place, completely still.
My concern was growing. This wasn't like Tracy at all. Even in her worst moments Tracy usually spoke to me. Then again there was a particular time recently when she hadn't...
I decided to get her comfortable before I opened a conversation like that. I took another sip of my drink before standing up. Tracy had begun to shiver, and I knew I could enjoy it in ten minutes while she was getting changed.
"I'll be back soon. Then you can get warm and dry."
Tracy didn't acknowledge me.
I went out to the car, my head spinning. I wasn't sure what was going on in Tracy's head, but I was determined to find out, and even more determined to help her. I set off to Elm Tree as quick as I could.
"Mike? What're you doing here at this time?"
Gina came out of the office as I entered the care home. She looked at me in confusion. "Did you leave something behind? You're in in the morning, couldn't you have gotten it then?"
I sighed. "Tracy's at mine. Something's really wrong, Gina. She walked over, which is a good half hour, and she won't speak to me. I just came to get some clothes as she's soaked through."
Gina's confusion changed to concern. "She walked half an hour in the rain to get to you at this hour? She's lucky she didn't get hit by lightning!"
"I know, so I need to get back to her."
"Of course." Gina stepped out of my way. "Go do what you need to do. If you need me, give me a ring. I'll keep my mobile on."
"I will, thank you." I headed up the stairs to the staff bedroom, where Tracy kept her things. Thankfully she was actually organised for once, and there was a fresh set of clothes, alongside some pyjamas. I put them in a bag and headed back down.
"Tell her I'm thinking of her." Gina was waiting for me when I got back. "And I'm on the end of the phone if you need me. Or you can bring her here. I'll be here all night obviously, I can keep her safe if you need."
I gave her a smile. "Thank you. I'll let you know if I need you."
Gina gave a smile back.
I headed out to the car, placing the bag in the seat next to me. I hoped Tracy would be ok when I got back.
To my horror she wasn't there.
As I entered the living room all that was there were the two mugs, both still full. Dread began to fill me. I'd left the door unlocked, she could be anywhere by now.
I began to search the house, calling her name. There was no answer. Nor any sign of her in the kitchen, the bathroom, the spare bedroom...
I flung open my bedroom door just in case, and breathed a sigh of relief.
Tracy was lying down, her legs curled up to her body. I noticed she was holding something.
I gave a smile. "Is that mine?"
There was no response.
Tracy was clearly holding my pyjama top, using it as a comfort. I didn't have the heart to take it off her.
"I got your clothes. Come and get changed, then we can talk."
Tracy didn't move.
I sighed, sitting on the bed next to her. "Why are you holding that? I didn't think you were one for doing that."
"I wanted you back." Tracy's voice was almost a whisper. "I wanted my dad."
"Your dad? I didn't think you knew him. What's he..." I stopped realising what she'd said. She didn't mean her biological dad.
She meant me.
I placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. It was freezing cold.
"Come on, get changed into something dry. Then we can sleep, or talk, or we can just rest for a bit."
Tracy didn't move.
I got her pyjamas out of her bag and pushed her up. "Come on. You can't stay in those."
Tracy finally relented. She took her cardigan off, and I left the room. I waited a few minutes before I knocked on the door. I went in, Tracy having resumed her position, but now in something dry.
I gave her a smile as I folded her wet clothes, then took a seat next to her. She was clearly exhausted.
"Can I have that back so I can get ready for bed too?"
Tracy hugged my top to her. She clearly wasn't ready to let it go.
I went to my drawer and got another top, took my trousers off the bed, and headed to the bathroom. I had a feeling it was going to be a night where I stayed up and then we both crashed, and I wanted to be ready for sleep.
I then went to go and get the drinks. Heating them in the microwave for a few seconds brought them back to life, and I added a few marshmallows as a special treat.
I came back to Tracy lightly sobbing.
"Hey." I put the drinks down then sat on the bed next to her, putting my hand on her shoulder. "What's going on, Tracy? Talk to me."
"I..." Tracy sniffled. "I had, another panic attack. A big one. I fell. And I couldn't deal with it tonight."
I sighed. Tonight had been Tracy's first night at home since her panic attack. It obviously hadn't gone as well as we'd hoped.
"You collapsed again?"
Tracy nodded.
"Are you ok? Did you hurt yourself?"
"I hit my head on one of our stools." Tracy lifted her head slightly and placed a hand there. I gasped as she came away with blood.
"Hey, let me look." I turned her head to face me. I gave a sigh of relief as I saw the tiny cut, and that it had only started bleeding again due to Tracy disturbing it. "No, you're ok. Just leave it alone for a bit."
Tracy did as she was told and lay back down.
"How long did it last? Your last one was fairly long."
"Longer." Tracy's voice was shaky. "I didn't know how to stop it."
"Oh Trace." I knelt down in front of her and enveloped her in a hug. She broke down.
"I'm here now. You're safe. I'm here."
Tracy resumed her silence.
I held her for what seemed like hours. I could see my pyjama top getting soaked with tears, Tracy clutching it tight. I wished there was more I could do. Then again, she was safe, warm and dry, and had an item of comfort as well as me by her side. Maybe Tracy just needed to cry to let out her hurt.
Maybe I was providing a safe space for her to be able to do that.
Tracy eventually began to quieten. Her body stopped shaking as much, and the tension began to leave. I continued to hold her, knowing she was relying on me at the moment.
Then she was still. Deathly still. Not asleep, I could tell that. But not moving.
I stroked her hair gently. "Talk to me, Trace. What do you need from me? I brought our drinks upstairs, I even added marshmallows."
Tracy was still.
She was scaring me. I'd never seen Tracy quite like this before, and I wasn't sure what to do. She almost didn't seem alive anymore.
"Come on, Tracy." I sat back slightly. "Do something so I know you're ok."
I went to take the top, hoping that would get a reaction. She held it tightly, refusing to let it go. I tried again and her knuckles turned white.
I let go. I'd gotten the reaction I needed to prove she was still conscious, anyway.
I took my drink and gave it a sip. It had cooled again, but I didn't mind much. Its sweetness gave me a moment of peace, something else to think about than Tracy for a moment. As I put it down I turned back to her. She hadn't moved.
"Did you want your drink?"
No response.
"Could I take you to the spare bedroom? Then I can have my bed back for later."
No response.
"Do you want me to leave you? I'm happy if you want to be on your own. We don't have to talk if you don't want to."
No response, again.
I sighed, standing up. "I'll leave you to rest. I'm here if you need me, you just have to call. I'm happy to stay with you but I think I'm just making it worse."
I went to the door. I was about to open it when I heard something resembling my name. I turned back to face her.
"What did you say?"
"Mike." The voice was barely even a whisper.
I made my way back over to the bed. "You want me to stay?"
There was a tiny nod.
I sat next to her on the bed, a gentle hand on her. I could feel her rising and falling slightly as she breathed, thankfully calm. Other than that she was still motionless.
"Can I lie down next to you? I think you just need to rest."
Tracy didn't respond, but I'd taken that to mean yes by now. I lay beside her on the bed, my hand still on her, just reminding her I was here.
"Just rest," I said gently. "Just close your eyes and rest. There's nothing for you to do, nothing for you to worry about. Just stay here and rest. I'll be right here with you."
Tracy's body began to shake slightly.
"Hey, it's ok. You're safe, Tracy. You're safe. I'm here."
I could hear sniffles from Tracy. I went to sit up so I could give her a hug and she shot up.
"Hey easy, easy." I pulled her towards me. "I'm not leaving. I wanted to give you a hug."
Tracy relaxed into me. Her sniffles continued, though they were quieter now. I held her close, wanting to be of as much comfort as possible.
I gently lay her down again, lying next to her, hugging her tight. I began to rub my hand on her back, hoping to calm her.
"I'm here," I said softly. "I'm here." I took a piece of her hair and began to curl it around my finger. "Dad's here."
I wasn't sure exactly why I said that then. Maybe I just wanted Tracy to be certain that her earlier comment of wanting her dad had been right. Maybe I just wanted to say something to calm her.
Or maybe I wanted to show her how proud I was that she'd given me the title.
Tracy exhaled shakily, and reached out her hand. I took it, giving it a squeeze.
"I'm here."
Tracy was still curled up tight, her body still tense as she cried. But I could feel her calming, the panic leaving her body. I closed my eyes.
"Mike?"
I was surprised to hear Tracy's voice. "Yes?"
"When, when you have to go, when, w-w-when you have, have to go..."
"Who says I have to go?"
She looked up at me. "You can stay?"
I gave her a squeeze. "Of course I can stay. Why do you think I got changed? So that we could both just crash whenever you're ready and we'd both be comfortable."
"You really mean it? You won't leave?"
"I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway Trace, you know that. I want to keep an eye on you."
Tracy resumed her previous position, feeling slightly more relaxed. I planted a kiss on the top of her head, before I settled down myself.
I still couldn't sleep. And neither could Tracy. I hoped she'd have been able to get off, to get some well needed rest, but though I could feel she had stopped crying, I knew she was still awake.
"Is there anything that would help you to sleep?" I asked quietly. "I'd really like you to sleep, if you can."
"I thought you'd think I was."
I gave a smile. "I know you too well for that."
"I, I don't know." Tracy sounded a little shaky. "I usually just lie awake until I'm so tired I fall asleep."
I looked at her closely. "Do you often struggle to sleep? Does Cam know about this?"
"I..." Tracy sighed. "Cam doesn't know. And it varies. I haven't been sleeping at the Dumping Ground either."
"You haven't been sleeping since your panic attack?"
Tracy shook her head.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Tracy didn't answer.
"Trace?"
She lowered her head, avoiding my gaze. I went to lift her chin and she resisted.
"Ok, it's ok." I moved back a little, watching her. She was once again frozen, not wanting to respond to anything I did. I wasn't quite sure why Tracy kept going into these moments, but I knew she was really struggling.
I placed my hand back on her.
Tracy didn't respond.
I moved it, using my thumb to begin stroking her hair. It was soft, a comfort to me as well as hopefully one to her. I kept my hand there for a while, continuing to stroke.
Tracy continued to be motionless. Her eyes were closed but I knew she was still awake. She was still worrying me, but I carried on what I was doing. I really hoped it was helping.
I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that for. I hadn't been keeping an eye on the clock, but it must have been a while, given how late it was. My phone buzzed, and I picked up a text.
"Gina wants to know how you're doing. She says she's thinking of you."
I hope you're both getting the rest you need and don't get this text until the morning. If not then I hope that you won't be up all night, Mike. Get some sleep if you can, I know Tracy would want you to look after yourself too xx
Still awake at the moment, Tracy can't sleep. She had a panic attack at home and it's really freaked her out. She'll be ok but she's struggling at the moment. I'll try and get some sleep if I can.
I sent the message off to Gina, then turned back to Tracy. She hadn't moved at all, her body a statue.
My phone buzzed again.
Another panic attack? I hoped she'd be over those by now. Is there anything I can do?
I don't think so. She's really been knocked. Won't even respond to me at the moment. I'm worried about her.
Do you want to bring her here? We can do shifts, get her through the night.
She won't move. I don't think I could get her out of the house.
My phone began to ring.
"Hello?"
"Is she really that bad?"
I sighed, looking down at Tracy. "She won't answer me, she won't move, she's just frozen. I don't know what to do."
Tears began to seep from under Tracy's eyelashes.
"Oh Tracy, don't cry. I'm telling Gina because we want to help."
Gina sighed. "I can't leave the kids alone. But I want to be there, Mike."
"Tracy, would you be willing to go to Elm Tree?"
Tracy didn't respond.
I sighed. "I don't know what I can do, Gina. She just, won't."
Tracy began to shake lightly.
"No, Tracy, don't do that." I held her to me, my voice soft. "I know it's not your fault. I'm not angry. I just wish there was more I could do for you."
Tracy sniffled.
I heard Gina sigh.
"I think we're going to have to stay here tonight. And just hope we get to sleep at some point."
"Did you want me to cancel Tracy's shift for tomorrow?"
"Yes please."
"And yours?"
"No, not mine. I'll bring Tracy over tomorrow. She can stay with us for a bit, so we don't have this happen again."
"Good plan." Gina paused for a moment. "Let me know if I can help, Mike. You don't need to look after her on your own."
"I will." I looked over to Tracy. She had calmed slightly, but still wasn't moving. My top was being held so tightly it was tensing half her body. "I've got to go. Make sure you get some sleep too."
"I will. Night."
"Night."
I hung up, then went to put my phone back on my bedside table. Tracy suddenly gripped me.
"Hey, I'm just putting my phone back. I'm not going anywhere." I put my phone down then settled back onto the bed. Tracy relaxed slightly, though still held my top tightly.
"Are you ok?"
Tracy didn't answer.
"I want you to try and rest, Trace. I'm here, I'll stay here with you all night if that's what you want. But I want you to try and rest even if you can't sleep."
Tracy gave a small nod.
"Good girl. I'm here, and I'm here if you need anything. Just ask."
Tracy settled down, finally allowing herself to relax. I closed my eyes, still keeping hold of her. I'd left the bedside light on, which I hoped would help Tracy feel safer. I moved the pillow slightly so it wasn't shining in my eyes.
I waited to feel Tracy fall into sleep, but it didn't come. She stayed awake for hours, my head too full of worry to allow me to sleep before she did.
As the clocked crept towards the early hours of the morning I took her hand, giving it a small squeeze. She squeezed mine back.
"Is there anything I can do to get you to sleep, Trace? You must be exhausted."
Tracy shook her head.
"Nothing at all?"
Tracy opened her eyes. "I'm too tired to sleep. My brain doesn't feel like it's working properly anymore."
"The rest must have done you good, you're talking to me."
"I'm sorry. I haven't felt able to make my mouth make the words."
"There's no need to apologise." I gave her hand another squeeze. "I'm just glad you feel a little better."
Tracy closed her eyes, moving her head towards my chest. She settled, then a small smile formed on her lips.
A smile formed on mine too. Tracy hadn't smiled once since she'd got here, though I was a little confused as to its reason.
Then I realised she was listening to my heartbeat.
Hearing my presence was obviously soothing to her, given the way she had instantly relaxed. I stayed as still as I could, not wanting to interrupt the sound.
I felt her go limp a few minutes later.
I smiled, instantly relaxing myself. I was so glad she was finally off to sleep, and I had a feeling it wouldn't be long before I was able to sleep too. I squeezed her hand again as I closed my eyes.
I was asleep a few minutes later too.
I woke up to my name being called.
"Mike. Mike. Mike."
I opened my eyes. "What is it, Tracy?"
"I, I had a nightmare. I'm sorry. I wasn't going to wake you, but I only got about a half hour of sleep and I, I needed you."
I looked over to my clock. It had been far more than half an hour since I'd gotten off. "How long have you been awake?"
"I don't know."
"You should have woken me sooner."
"I thought you'd want to sleep."
I sighed, pulling her in for a hug. "I'm here tonight to look after you. I'd rather you were ok. I can sleep anytime."
Tracy hugged me back.
"Was it the same as your previous nightmares? Could you not breathe when you woke up?"
Tracy didn't answer me.
"Trace?"
"It was you on the boat." At her words she burst into tears, sobs beginning to wrack her body.
"Hey, it's ok. You know it was just a dream. I'm here, aren't I?"
Tracy continued to sob.
"Shh. Shh. I'm here. I'm here. I'm not leaving, I promise."
It was hard to watch Tracy's turmoil. As far as I was aware the dreams had stopped, though prior to her panic attack they'd plagued her for weeks. Tonight her brain just seemed to have had enough.
"Did you have problems breathing or were you ok?"
Tracy took a shaky breath. "It was awful. I, I couldn't breathe for ages. I went downstairs so I wouldn't wake you."
"Oh Tracy. No, I want you to wake me. I only fell asleep because you did. I didn't want to sleep through you struggling."
Tracy had gone quiet again. I could feel her tense body pressed against mine, her breathing becoming shallow. As she put a hand to her chest I took it, holding it tightly, feeling her struggle for air.
"Breathe, Trace. Just try and breathe. I've got you, I'm here. I just need you to breathe."
It didn't seem to be working. Tracy was getting closer and closer to a full blown attack. And if that happened I knew she'd never get back to sleep.
"Breathe," I said softly. "Come on, in and out, in and out. Just breathe."
Tracy suddenly pulled away, her face full of pain. Her hand was ripped away as her chest began to heave. I could see how much she was struggling.
"Hey, easy." I sat up too, putting an arm around her. "Breathe with me, Tracy. With me."
I began to model some breathing for Tracy, and tried to pull her towards me. She resisted, clearly feeling more comfortable sitting up. She tried to copy me but she couldn't. I kept modelling anyway.
It was a good few minutes before Tracy could breathe again. Every second that she couldn't broke my heart. I hated to see her struggle like this, her lungs failing to get the air in that she needed, her whole being frozen in fear, her body shaking. When it finally stopped she crumpled, seemingly no longer able to hold herself up. She lay on the bed, still.
I lay down next to her, my eyes level with hers. They were full of tears and pain.
"Tell me what I can do, Tracy. What helped last time?"
"Just hold me."
I didn't need her to ask twice. Her voice was broken and barely audible, but I scooped her into my arms. To my surprise she didn't cry, but was still. Her whole body was tense, rigid even. She didn't move.
I lay on my back and lay her head over my heart. It was the only thing I knew worked tonight.
She stayed motionless.
I held her for hours. I watched the clock. Hours ticked by as Tracy lay in my arms. I was far too worried to sleep.
"Can I do anything else?" I asked after a while.
"Don't leave. Please don't leave."
"I wasn't planning on leaving." I gave her a squeeze. "I meant as well as being here."
"Just stay."
"Ok." I gave her a smile, holding her close.
I continued to hold her as the sun began to come through the window. I held her as the birds began to sing. Just held her, hoping that something I was doing was helping.
She began to cry.
As much as I hated to see Tracy cry, I was filled with relief. She was finally letting out the emotions of the panic attack, where she'd been unable to for most of the night. I began to rub my hand on her shoulder, hoping to be of some comfort.
She cried for a while, her body shaking with sobs. I held her gently, hoping my presence was helping her to be able to calm.
"I know." I began to speak softly to her as her cries continued. "I know it was awful, Tracy. I know it was scary. I know I can't take any of that away. But I'm here. I'm here for you. If there's anything I can do that I'm not already just let me know."
Tracy didn't answer me, though she was still overcome by sobs. She squeezed my hand tight and I squeezed hers back.
"I'm here. I'm staying right here with you."
Tracy curled up tight next to me.
Her sobs continued. My top was soaked through with her tears, a large damp patch where she lay. I could see the side of her face was wet too. I gently took my hand and wiped away some of the tears for her.
Tracy seemed to calm slightly at my action.
"You're ok," I said softly. "You're ok."
Finally Tracy's cries lessened. The tears began to stop. Her body ceased its shaking. She managed to take a deep breath.
I smiled. "That's it, good girl. Good girl. Just calm, that's it. Just calm."
Tracy was still.
I closed my eyes, letting out a breath I wasn't aware I'd been holding. I gave her a squeeze, holding her close.
"You ok?"
Tracy gave a small nod. "Thank you."
"Oh Trace." Tracy saying thank you was nothing new, of course. But given that she'd barely spoken tonight, the fact that she'd used some of her energy to do so meant a lot. "You're welcome, Kiddo. Though there's no need to thank me."
"But you've done so much." A shakiness came to her voice. "I wouldn't have gotten through tonight without you."
I pulled her close in a hug of pure love. "When someone loves you, like really, really loves you, all you have to do is ask for help." I looked down at her. "I know you'd do the same for me, or Gina, or Cam, or any of the kids at Elm Tree."
Tracy closed her eyes.
I looked over to the clock. It was only a couple of hours before I needed to go in. "Go to sleep if you can, Trace. I need to go into work in a couple of hours, but if I take you with me you can rest there. Gina's taken you off shift so you can just relax."
Tracy sighed. "I don't want to go in. I'm too tired."
"You're welcome to stay here and have a sleep and I can collect you later, or you can walk in. But I have to go in for my shift, especially as you're not doing yours."
Tracy made herself comfortable. "Don't wake me. I'll make my own way there later. I need to sleep."
"I'll leave as quietly as I can."
It seemed that Tracy's energy had run out, as she was suddenly asleep, her body relaxed. I closed my eyes, hoping I'd be able to get off as easily.
Sadly it wasn't just Tracy the night had been difficult for. Try as I might I couldn't get off. Thoughts whirred round my brain, thinking of Tracy, how she'd struggled. How she'd cried, how she'd been frozen by overwhelm. How she'd gone downstairs while she had a panic attack, how long her one with me had lasted. It hurt my heart to know she'd tried to avoid waking me while she was struggling to breathe.
I watched as she slept. What I thought was a peaceful sleep appeared not to be. Her face was full of pain, and she was letting out the odd whimper.
"Mike."
I was alarmed as I heard my name.
"No Mike don't go."
I placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm here."
"No, Mike."
"I'm here, Tracy." I knew that dreams could sometimes be influenced by what was going on around the dreamer, that outside noises and sensations could make their way in. I really hoped this was going to be one of those times.
"Mike?" Tracy's tone had shifted slightly, as if she knew I was there.
"I'm here, Tracy. You're ok."
She settled.
I smiled, giving her shoulder a squeeze. I was so glad she could feel my presence.
I reached over to get my phone. I needed to let Gina know I needed to stay until Tracy woke up.
Can I delay my shift a few hours? Tracy's just gotten to sleep, and I want to stay with her.
It didn't take long for my phone to buzz.
Only just now? Of course, take the time you need. I'll let the kids know that Tracy's struggling, then they should behave. They were very good when she had her panic attack here
Tell them they can have a treat if they're good. Bowling, cinema, trip to the park to get ice cream, whatever they want. I just need a few hours to let Tracy get some sleep.
Will do. Let me know if you need me xx
I will, thank you.
I put my phone back on the bedside table, then lay back next to Tracy. She looked relaxed, at peace.
I took one of her hands, giving it a squeeze, before I made myself comfortable. I wasn't sure if I wanted to sleep, given how Tracy was currently doing, but I definitely needed to rest if I was going to be any use later in the day.
It wasn't long before I drifted off.
I woke with a start.
My sleep had been peaceful, restful, but as soon as I'd woken up I'd realised I wasn't supposed to be sleeping at all. I was supposed to be looking after Tracy.
She'd gone.
"Tracy?" I got off the bed, going to find her. "Tracy!"
She wasn't in the bathroom. I hurried downstairs to find her. I breathed a sigh of relief as I found her in the kitchen, helping herself to some breakfast.
"Hey, who said you could go through my kitchen?"
She jumped slightly at my voice, then turned to face me. She gave me a smile, but it wasn't even close to reaching her eyes. "I assumed that was part of the service."
"Service!" I shook my head at her. Then I looked at her closely. "Are you ok? How long have you been up?" She was dressed in the clothes I'd brought over last night, so had clearly been up a little while.
"A couple of hours." She looked to the bowl of cereal she was making to avoid my gaze. "I didn't sleep for long. Another nightmare."
I gave her a look. "I told you to wake me."
"I did, well, kind of. You were so tired, once I knew you were asleep I left you. I'm ok, really."
I sighed. "Well at least you're not working today. You can crash at Elm Tree, have another sleep if you can."
Tracy didn't answer me. She poured herself a very small bowl of cereal, added just enough milk to be visible, and then grabbed a spoon. She began to eat slowly, her face turning a little pale.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, fine."
"You're very pale."
Tracy sighed. "Just don't feel well. Hoping some food in me will help."
I gave her a sympathetic smile. I knew how awful I felt, and Tracy had had about a quarter of the sleep and at least two panic attacks. I couldn't blame her for feeling unwell.
"Do you want me to stay, or can I go and get dressed?"
"No, go do what you need to do. I'll be ok."
I gave her shoulder a squeeze, before I headed back upstairs. It didn't take me long to get dressed, but as I was about to head downstairs my phone buzzed.
Told the kids what's going on, they're all hoping Tracy feels better soon. No rush for you to come in if she's still asleep, but if you could let me know when you're coming xx
Actually, I've only just woken up, she's been up a while. She's exhausted though, I'm worried about her. If you could help convince her to just rest today that would be really helpful. Probably be in in about half an hour or so, just having something to eat first.
Leave that with me, I've got an idea. Ok, see you soon xx
I put my phone in my pocket and headed back downstairs. Tracy was still struggling with her tiny bowl of cereal.
"Are you sure you're ok?"
"I feel like I'm gonna throw up."
"You don't have to eat it. We don't need you being sick."
As if on cue Tracy heaved.
I grabbed the bin from the living room and held it in front of her.
"No, I'm ok. I'm not actually going to be..."
Tracy knelt to the floor, grabbing the bin off me on her way down. She heaved again, bringing up what little she had managed to eat.
"Oh Tracy." I knelt down next to her, holding her hair out of her face. "I didn't realise you were that unwell."
Tracy heaved again. There was nothing more to bring up than a little bile. She closed her eyes, taking a few moments to steady herself.
I gently rubbed her back. "Is that all of it?"
Tracy nodded.
I took the bin off her and placed it in the sink. I kept an eye on Tracy as I rinsed it out. She didn't move from the floor, taking deep breaths to try and ease the nausea.
When I was finished I went down to her level. "Come on, Trace. Come sit down for a minute. Just let your stomach settle before we get in the car."
"I shouldn't go in if I've been sick. I'll make the kids ill."
I pushed her up and towards the sofa. As we sat down I sighed. "Tracy, you're clearly not ill. You're just completely worn out. The kids can't catch that."
"You sure?"
"I'm positive. And you know what I'm like. If you were going to do something to hurt the kids I wouldn't be letting you anywhere near them."
Tracy didn't answer me. She'd closed her eyes, and was taking more deep breaths.
"You still feeling sick?"
She nodded.
"You going to be sick?"
Tracy shook her head.
"Ok. Let me know if you are."
Tracy carried on with her deep breathing. I put my hand on hers and rubbed it gently.
"Let me know when you're ready to go. When we're at Elm Tree you can have a rest."
Tracy was silent for quite a while, the only noise being her breathing as she tried to ward away the nausea. Finally she lifted her head. "I think I'm ok."
"You ok to drive?"
"To Elm Tree, yes. It's only a couple of minutes, isn't it?"
"Yes, it won't take us long." I looked around the room, suddenly realising something. "You didn't bring anything with you, did you? Have you got your phone, your keys, anything you usually have in your bag?"
"My house keys are in my jeans pocket. My phone should be in my jacket, but I'm pretty sure it's dead. Everything else is at home."
"Did you want to go and get it?"
"I don't need it now. I don't want to stay in the car anyway."
"We can go get it later then, so you've got things for tonight."
"Tonight?"
I gave her a look. "You really think you're not staying at Elm Tree after this?"
"No, I thought you'd want me home."
"Why would I want you home?"
"Because it's a children's home, and I'm not a child. I stayed a few days, I need to get out of your hair."
I looked at her closely. "Tell me the truth, Tracy. Were you ready to go home last night?"
Tracy was still for a moment. Then she shook her head.
I took her hand. "Then you don't need to go home. Elm Tree has a spare staff bedroom, and until we have a situation where we need two staff on duty at night, which has happened precisely never in my time here, you are welcome to it."
Tracy forced a smile. I knew she was grateful for my words.
"Come on then, let's get you in. You get yourself out to the car, I'll just grab what I need and then I'll join you." I handed her my car keys and headed upstairs. I grabbed my things, as well as her bag of clothes so we could wash them, and then headed out to the car.
Tracy was already in the passenger seat when I got there. I took the keys from her and started the engine. "You ok to go?"
Tracy nodded.
"Right, off we go then." I put the car into gear and headed off to Elm Tree.
Gina greeted us as we came in.
"Mike, good to see you. And Tracy." She paused for a moment. Tracy's face was pale and her movements slow. "How're you feeling, babes?"
"I'm ok. Just need to get on."
I gave Gina a look. Thankfully she was already on it.
"Ah, yes, well actually, the kids have requested you for a movie. They've been turning the living room into a cinema, and they wanted you to join them."
"Oh, right, I was thinking more..."
"No, they've specifically asked me to ask you when you got in."
"What are they watching?"
"Why don't you go and see?"
Tracy looked up at me, and I gave her a nod. She turned and went towards the living room.
"Did the kids actually request her?" I asked Gina once Tracy was out of earshot.
"I asked them to come up with an activity where Tracy could rest. They may also have worked out they could raid the treat cupboard."
I smiled. Then I looked to the office. "Can we go in a minute? I don't want the kids listening in."
Gina led the way into the office, and shut the door behind us.
"She's been sick this morning. I think she got about an hour's sleep in total. She's absolutely exhausted. I know I told you about her panic attack already, but it was awful, just watching her. I tried to help her breathe but it took her so long, and she had a second one downstairs while I..."
"Hang on, I thought she had one before she got to yours. How many did she have in total?"
"Two more after that."
"Three in one night?"
"Yeah. And two nightmares. And then she threw up when she tried to have some breakfast."
"She's running on an hour's sleep?"
I sighed. "About that."
Gina was quiet. She didn't seem to know what to say.
"Are you alright?"
"I thought she was doing ok. I, I snapped at her yesterday over something stupid. I thought she was ok."
"Hey, it's not your fault. I've snapped at her too. These things happen. And she said this morning she went home to get out of our hair, because she's not a child. It wasn't anything you did."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive. She's just had a bit of a panic tonight, she should be absolutely fine later."
"I hope you're right."
"Well, you're better at spotting these things than me. Tell me if you notice anything, and we can be there for her."
Gina gave me a smile.
"I think I'd better go see what they're up to. If they've done anything to her they're on double chores for the next month."
Gina gave me a look.
I gave her one back. "I'm allowed to worry about her."
Gina just shook her head.
I headed to the living room. The kids were on the sofas, the one from the hall having been added to make a U shape, with some beanbags and cushions on the floor where some of the younger ones were sat. I scanned the room and located Tracy in one of the corners. She was hugging Harry to her.
"How's it going?"
"We're just waiting for the millions of ads." Liam rolled his eyes.
I noted the bowls of snacks on the coffee table. "Everyone got enough to eat? Drink?"
Tee turned to face me. "We did ask Gina for some popcorn, she said she was just making it."
"I'll go see." I went down to the kitchen, and found a bag of popcorn that had clearly been forgotten. I stuck it in the microwave for a couple of minutes, emptied it into a bowl, and brought it upstairs.
"There we go," I said, placing it on the table. "Anything else?"
"I think Tracy could do with a pillow," Carmen joked, though I could tell it was kind.
I turned to Tracy. She had closed her eyes and was resting her head on the top of the sofa, though she looked uncomfortable. Sapphire passed me an extra pillow, and I brought it over to Tracy.
"Hey, Trace." I watched as Tracy's eyes opened. "A pillow would be more comfortable."
She lifted her head and I placed it underneath. She then settled down, her eyes once again closing.
"Right, I'll leave you lot to it." I gave Tracy's shoulder a small squeeze. "Come and get me if you need anything."
The kids turned back to the TV, where the film was just beginning to start.
I left the room, going back to the office. Once there I sat at my desk, giving a sigh.
"Everything alright?" Gina was watching me.
"Yeah, just Tracy worries." I gave a smile. "That girl will be the death of me, I swear."
Gina gave a smile back. "I have been trying to warn you." She looked at me seriously. "Is she ok?"
"I think so. She's having a rest. Just hoping she won't have another nightmare."
"I'm not sure she'll be able to sleep with that lot."
"No, you're probably right. It's probably better she doesn't sleep in there. She won't want the audience."
Gina carried on writing what she had been when I'd come in. I just stared at the papers on my desk. I'd asked Gina yesterday to leave out any that needed my attention, but my mind was too occupied.
"She'll be ok. The kids will come and get you if she's not."
"I know they will, I know."
"Or you can go in if you want."
Gina didn't have to tell me twice. As the film played I crept round the back of the sofas, and sat myself next to Tracy. She opened her eyes to look at me, before she rested her head on my chest, giving a relaxed sigh. I relaxed too, calmer now I was with her.
I watched the film with the kids as it went along. I could feel Tracy on my side, resting but not asleep. I was sort of glad, like I'd said, she didn't need an audience if she had a nightmare. I gave her a small squeeze.
About an hour in Gina came in to join us. She found an empty space on the opposite side of the sofa, giving me a smile. She mouthed asking if Tracy was ok.
I gave her a nod, and Tracy another squeeze.
As the film continued I felt Tracy get heavy. I looked down to see she was finally asleep.
I looked over to Gina, and mouthed that Tracy was asleep. Gina gave me a smile, then turned to watch Tracy. I could tell she was watching for signs of a nightmare, as I was.
The film was over before I knew it, the kids beginning to get up as the credits played. Gina headed to the kitchen to go and make a start on lunch. I stayed with Tracy, not wanting to wake her after so long without sleep.
Liam turned to me. "Is Tracy alright?"
I gave him a reassuring smile. "She'll be fine. She just had another panic attack last night. She'll need to recover like she did after her one here, that's all."
"She wasn't like this last time." Liam didn't seem convinced. "What's really going on?"
"Honestly, it's just another panic attack. Well, a couple more. And as it's not long since her big one here it's worn her out. Genuinely, she will be ok, you don't need to worry about her."
"Is there anything we can do? It's weird having Tracy like this. She's usually so... well, not like this."
"I know. I don't think there's anything you can do other than be mature. Don't start any fights for the sake of it, don't do anything stupid that could get you hurt. Obviously if you need us we're still here, for all of you. But if you could try your best to get along we'll have the time to help Tracy get back on her feet."
Liam nodded. "We can do that."
I gave him a smile. "I know you can."
Liam turned to Frank. "Want to go and play football before lunch?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Can I play?" asked Toby.
"And me?" asked Johnny.
"Of course." Liam stood up. "I'll just go get the ball."
The boys left. Carmen, Lily and Tee had already left together, and Elektra and Gus were no longer in the room either, though I coul hear the piano being played. Only Harry was still here, along with Sapphire who was ejecting the dvd.
"Jeff wants to know what's wrong with Tracy."
I showed Harry to come and stand in front of me. I took Jeff's head in my hand.
"Well, Jeff, do you remember when Tracy fell in here the other day?"
Harry nodded.
"And do you remember she stayed here for a bit afterwards because it made her sad?"
Harry nodded again.
"Well, she went home last night and it happened again. Gina told you that, didn't she?"
"She said she had a panic attack."
"That's right. So Tracy had another panic attack and so she's sad. And there's so much sadness at the moment that she's very tired. So that's why she's sleeping. She's just tired."
"How can we make her less sad?"
I gave Harry a smile and put my hand to his hair. "You just need to be a good boy like you always are. That will make Tracy happy. Do you think you can do that?"
Harry nodded.
"Good lad."
Harry seemed satisfied with my answer, and left the room.
"Is she really ok?" Sapphire had clearly been listening. "She's not actually really ill and you're just covering? She doesn't look right."
"Everything I said to Harry is true, I promise. Well, it was a bit more complicated than that, obviously, but she's genuinely just had another panic attack and a difficult night, and just needs some sleep and some time to recover. She'll tell you the same herself when she wakes up. I promise that's all it is."
Sapphire looked a little more relaxed. I knew she and Tracy were close, and that she'd be worrying about her.
"Why don't you go help Gina with the lunch? I'm sure she'd appreciate it."
Sapphire gave me a smile, before she left us alone. I looked down at Tracy, thankfully still peacefully asleep. I closed my eyes, still full of tiredness myself...
"That's it, babes, you're doing really well."
I shot up. I wasn't expecting to hear Gina's voice. And where was...
Struggling to breathe. Again.
I cursed myself as I shook the sleep from my head. I was supposed to be looking after her, and instead I'd fallen asleep. Again.
Gina turned to me. "She's ok. I was walking past as she woke up. She hasn't been on her own."
I relaxed, breathing a sigh of relief. Having Gina here was so much better.
"That's it, just in and out. In, and out. You're ok, we're here."
Tracy thankfully didn't seem as out of control as she had last night. Under Gina's guidance her breathing soon slowed. She leant on her for support as it returned to normal, Gina putting a comforting arm around her.
"That's it, well done. You're ok."
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry for?"
"Because you're both in here with me instead of with the kids."
Gina gave her a smile. "Well for one, Mike wasn't with you, he was too busy napping." She gave me a kind look to show she was joking. "And I was on my way to go and do some paperwork while lunch cooks. I'd much rather not be doing that!"
Tracy looked down to the floor.
I put my hand on her shoulder. "If the kids need us, Trace, we'll be with them. If you need us, we'll be with you. If one of us needs somebody, then we'll get help. That's how it works here. You don't need to feel bad about accepting help."
Tracy nodded. I could see tears in her eyes.
I looked to Gina. She gave me an understanding look, before she hugged Tracy tight. I watched as Tracy began to cry, sniffling into Gina's top.
"Oh babes." Gina turned to me. "Were you just in this cycle all night?"
"Pretty much."
Gina put her hand up to Tracy's hair, holding her close. "It's alright, babes. I'm here. I'm here. We're both here."
Tracy took a while to settle. I watched as Gina talked to her, keeping her voice soft and calm, hoping to calm Tracy. Eventually it worked. Tracy's body became relaxed, and her tears stopped.
I heard an alarm going off.
"Oh, that'll be the oven," said Gina, looking towards the kitchen.
I got up to go and take the lunch out. I then called the kids for the meal. They began to file in, taking their seats, and I began to dish up the food. As the first plates got to the table I noticed Gina entering, Tracy trailing behind her.
"Did you want anything to eat, Trace?"
Tracy shook her head.
"Ok, go take a seat."
Gina sat at the end of the table, showing Tracy to sit in the seat next to her. I knew the kids would have noticed that she was even more quiet than she had been earlier, but I hoped that by carrying on they'd realise she was ok.
I dished up the last of the food, before I took my own plate and went to the other end of the table.
As we began to eat the kids began their chatter, talking about the film, about the football game, about Carmen's makeup collection that the girls had been admiring. I stayed quiet, watching Tracy intently. She looked a little pale, and I saw Gina give her hand a squeeze.
"Are you alright, Tracy?" Tee had clearly noticed Tracy's colour.
Tracy nodded, though it wasn't very convincing.
Toby got out his book of medical conditions that I hadn't I noticed him carrying. "Maybe she's got food poisoning. Or norovirus. Or..."
I interrupted him. "Toby, Tracy's just feeling a bit unwell. She hasn't got any nasty disease."
Tracy was quiet. Too quiet. I could see her trying to keep the sickness at bay. I wasn't sure it was working all that well.
I got up and went over to her. "Trace, do you want to go and lie down?"
Tracy didn't respond.
"Come on." I pulled her chair back and pushed her up. "Let's take you to the quiet room, yeah?"
Tracy suddenly froze. Then she was sick. All over my shirt.
There were cries of disgust from some of the kids, though I could see some of them looked worried.
"Come on." I steered her out of the room, not wanting to disturb lunch any further. "Let's go get cleaned up."
We went up to the bathroom, me stopping on the way to grab a spare shirt. Thankfully Tracy had managed to keep it off her, but I gave her a spare toothbrush to clean her teeth while I washed the sick off my front. I changed and then turned to her. She was knelt by the toilet, her eyes screwed shut.
"You think you're going to be sick again?"
"I don't know."
"Can I do anything?"
Tracy shook her head.
"You sure? I can..."
I was interrupted by Tracy heaving again. She had nothing more to bring up really, but her body clearly wasn't happy.
I grabbed some hair that had fallen in her face, holding it back for her. She heaved again.
"Oh Tracy."
She stayed leant over the bowl for a few more moments, before she leant back. Her forehead was clammy and she looked exhausted. Maybe she was coming down with something.
"You look awful, Trace."
"I feel awful."
"Can we go down to the quiet room and then I can get you something to drink?"
"Not the quiet room. Please." Tracy's voice had some fear in it that I wasn't expecting.
"Why not?" I asked gently. "You went there after your panic attack."
"Exactly."
I paused for a moment. "I'm confused. Why would that mean you don't want to go?"
"It just does!"
I sighed as Tracy looked up at me, and then I looked into her eyes. I saw the fear, the trauma, that the other panic attack had given her. I hadn't realised just how much it had scared her.
"I don't want you up here alone though, Trace. The quiet room would be a lot easier."
Tracy began to cry.
For once I didn't know what to do. Tracy was so unpredictable at the moment, and just seemed to be getting worse, not better. I didn't know whether to offer her comfort or to leave her be.
Tracy made a noise of pain. Of emotional pain. Of needing someone to be there for her.
I knelt on the floor and wrapped her in a hug, placing a kiss on the top of her head, saying to her that I was there.
"I don't want to do it anymore."
Tracy's voice was broken and strained. It was quiet and muffled. But I heard it.
"I know you don't. I know. I'm sorry you have to go through this."
I hugged Tracy tight, and to my suprise she calmed relatively quickly. There were still tears, but they were quiet, not panicked. I gave her another kiss, passing on my love.
There was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?"
"It's me." Gina's voice came through.
"Come in, it's not locked."
Gina came into the room. She gave me a sad smile as she looked to Tracy, curled up in my embrace. "Are you ok?"
Tracy didn't respond.
"I think it's just a bit much."
Gina sat down on the chair in the corner. "Is there anything I can do? Would you like me to cancel your shift Mike so you can go home and get a break?"
I looked down at Tracy. "It's up to you, Trace. We can go back to mine, we can go to yours, or we can stay here. What would you like to do?"
Tracy didn't answer me.
I turned back to Gina, giving Tracy some time to think. "How are the kids?"
"They're ok." Gina sighed. "Some of them are obviously worried. I just repeated what I said this morning about her being unwell, and that she is just unwell and there's nothing awful going on. They've finished their lunch and I think Sapphire and Liam were organising something."
"I'm glad they're ok. I don't need them struggling too."
Tracy was still quiet. I wasn't sure if she'd registered what I'd said or not.
"What do you want to do, Trace?"
"I don't know."
"Would you like me to make the decision for you?"
Tracy nodded.
"Then I think we should stay here. Gina can help out, and you don't have to be left on your own. Eventually I would need to be back on shift, but if you're here there's always going to be an adult, and I'm happy to stay on if you need me to."
Tracy nodded again.
"And I think we should go next door so you can lie down. And I'll go get you some water."
"Ok."
"Come on." I stood up, lifting her with me. Once she was standing we walked to the staff bedroom together.
Once there she lay down, closing her eyes. Her face was still pale and I grabbed the bin, putting it next to her bed.
"Am I ok to go get you a drink?"
Tracy nodded.
I gave her shoulder a squeeze, before I headed downstairs. I found the kids in the kitchen, the craft supplies out on the table.
"What's going on in here then?" I headed over to the table to have a look.
"We're making get well soon cards for Tracy." Tee turned to face me, glitter on her nose.
I felt my heart grow at their kindness. "That's lovely, really lovely. Tracy is going to love them."
Sapphire turned to me. "Is she ok?"
I sighed. "She's still feeling quite sick, but she'll be ok. She's just going to rest this afternoon and we'll go from there."
Sapphire looked a little more settled. She turned back to her card as I went to get Tracy a drink.
I filled a glass with water, then took it upstairs.
"I want you to put me on that boat."
"What?"
"You've heard me shout. I'll tell it to stop and the shockwave alone will halt it in its tracks!"
Tracy giggled as I entered the room. Gina put a hand up to her hair, gently stroking it.
"What's this about a shockwave?"
"Tracy doesn't want to sleep because she doesn't want another nightmare. I told her to put me on the boat."
"That's not a bad idea. If I were a wave I wouldn't argue with her!"
We all laughed.
I held the glass out to Tracy. "Here. Have a drink. That should make you feel better."
Tracy pushed herself up and took it off me, taking a drink. She then placed it on the table next to her and lay back down.
"Do you think you might be able to have a sleep? It would do you good."
"I don't know. Maybe."
"And do you want one of us to stay?"
Tracy avoided my gaze.
"Trace? Who do you want to stay?"
"Dad."
Gina looked at me in concern. Obviously she knew how Tracy felt about me, but even in her turmoil last night she hadn't actually called me dad, merely referred to me as they figure. I could tell she was really struggling.
"Ok, I'll stay." I knelt down by the bed and placed a hand on her, a gentle reminder that I was there. "Try and sleep. Think about what Gina said if you can. We're here to ward off the wave, we won't be drowned by it."
Tracy looked unsure.
"You don't have to do it on your own. I'm here. Dad's here."
Tracy gave me a smile. I could see the way she relaxed at my words. She closed her eyes, giving a sigh.
Gina put a hand on my shoulder. I gave her a smile and a nod, telling her it was ok to get on. She looked to Tracy for a moment, before she left.
I sat with Tracy for a while. I watched as she fell asleep, watched as she peacefully slept. Then I watched as her body began to tense, her face showing the pain she was in.
I knew she was fighting a wave.
I took her in my arms, holding her close. "It's just a dream. We're here. Mike and Gina are here. We've got you. You're not going over."
"Help."
Tracy's voice was so quiet, but I heard it. I gave her a squeeze. "We've got you. Gina will stop it. Gina will stop the wave."
Suddenly Tracy winced. Then she was still.
I ler go of her gently, assuming she was awake, assuming I was soon to be greeted with another panic attack.
She was still asleep.
My face broke out in a smile. I could only assume the wince was Tracy's ears trying to protect themselves as Gina screamed for the wave to stop. And now that it was gone, it was going to be smooth sailing.
I let out the breath I'd been holding.
I wasn't sure how long I was with Tracy after that. I found a newspaper on top of the chest of drawers and decided to give it a read. I was miles away until I heard my name.
"Mike?"
"You ok?"
"I, I think so." Tracy seemed a little unsure of herself. "I don't think I've woken up from a nightmare."
"You haven't." I gave her a smile. "Gina stopped the wave."
"I wondered why my ears were ringing."
I couldn't help but laugh at her comment. "You winced in your sleep. Must have been quite the shout!"
"Remind me never to stand next to her when she calls for dinner!" Tracy smiled, then paused for a moment. "I don't remember doing anything to help. I think, something held me back. Something kept me safe."
"I held you. I held you and told you we were there."
Tracy looked at me gratefully. "Thank you."
"No need to thank me. I'm just glad you got some sleep." I turned to look at the clock, and stopped. "Five hours, Trace! It's almost dinnertime!"
"That must be why I'm not feeling sick anymore."
"You're not?"
"No, I feel... Ok."
I put my newspaper down and scooped her into a hug. She settled into my arms as I breathed a sigh of relief. I'd been so worried about her these past few days, ever since she'd collapsed in the living room, but she finally seemed to be getting over her panic at Cam being away.
"Did you want to go down for dinner? Get something to eat?"
Tracy nodded. "Yeah. I think I could do with something."
I gave her a smile, pushing her away and taking her hand. "Come on then."
We went down to the kitchen together.
Gina was there when we entered.
"Hey, are you ok? You've been up there hours. Tracy, how're you feeling?"
"I've actually been asleep." Tracy gave me a brief look, a twinkle in her eyes. "You fought off the wave."
Gina looked shocked for a moment, then scooped Tracy into a hug the way I had. Tracy hugged her back tightly.
"Oh, babes, that's wonderful." She gave Tracy a squeeze before she let her go. She looked at her watch. "You've been asleep all this time?"
Tracy smiled at her. Then I saw the gratitude come to her face. "Thank you."
"No, no need to thank me. Just a silly little idea I had. I'm so glad it helped."
We were interrupted by the kids coming in. They'd clearly heard us come downstairs.
"This is for you." Tee approached Tract with a string of cards. "Get well soon cards."
"Aw, thank you." I could see tears coming to her eyes. She flicked through them, each one unique but equally as thoughtful and full of care. "Oh come here. All of you."
She gave Tee a hug, and the rest of the kids soon followed. I watched as they all huddled round Tracy, almost losing her in the sea of children.
A wave of love.
I watched them for a moment, before I called for them to get off, not wanting her to be accidentally smothered. As she emerged from the heap I could hear giggles, though there were still some nervous faces.
"Are you ok?" Carmen looked most nervous of all.
Tracy gave her a smile and a nod. "I'm feeling a lot better. I just needed to sleep, and I've managed to have that sleep." She held up the cards. "And these have made me feel even better. So thank you."
"You lot haven't had your treat." I came to stand behind Tracy, putting a hand on her shoulder. "How about we have it tonight?"
"But we already had the film and the snacks." said Johnny.
"After spending all afternoon making these you deserve something else anyway. So, what's it going to be? Bowling? Cinema? Picnic in the park and an ice cream? Barbeque? Some other crazy idea you can come up with?"
The kids huddled together in a group for a moment. I could see hands going up, and then more talking. One more round of voting, where every hand shot up in agreement.
"We want Tracy to decide." Liam gave her a smile.
"Me?" Tracy looked surprised.
"We couldn't decide," said Frank.
I could see the cogs turning while she thought. Secretly I was hoping she'd choose something nice and easy, but I knew that both she and the kids deserved a break, and I wasn't going to argue with whatever she decided.
"Bowling!"
The kids erupted in cheers.
I turned to her. "And what about dinner?"
"I've heard they do a great kids' menu."
I gave her a look, before I shook my head at her. She gave me a playful shove.
"Come on then, apparently Tracy's treating us to dinner when we get there!"
She gave me a look, followed by a scoff. I winked at her.
"Go on, go get your jacket. I'll go get my wallet. You kids, cost me a fortune!"
I went to the office to get some money, a smile on my face. This was going to be good fun, and just what everyone needed.
"You so did not win!"
I was desperately trying to make Tracy believe I was the overall champion when we got back, despite coming last.
"It takes great skill to knock down the least pins!"
"Or great inexperience."
I pretended to be hurt. "How could you..."
"Right, quiet!" Gina's voice stopped everyone in their tracks. "It's late, we've had a good time and a good dinner. I'd like you all to make your way up to bed please."
There was a chorus of goodnights, some to myself. I said goodnight as the kids went upstairs. Tracy looked to me anxiously. "Mike?"
"Yes?"
"I think I'm going to go and call Cam. Is that ok?"
"Of course, you don't need my permission to call Cam." I looked at her closely. "Would you like me to come with you?"
"I think I'll be ok. I need some time on my own."
I gave her a smile. "Of course. You know where I am if you need me."
I watched her head into the office, then down to the kitchen. I made a note to check on her in a few minutes, as I anticipated the call might be more difficult than she was expecting.
"Is she ok?"
"I think so." I turned to answer Gina. "I'm going to keep an eye on her. I have a feeling we might be needed in a minute."
"Is she speaking to Cam?"
"Yeah."
"Let me know if you need me."
"I will."
"Mike!"
I ran out of the office at Tracy's shout. I'd found myself some paperwork to do while I waited to see if she needed me, and apparently it hadn't taken long.
She was in the hall, making her way to find me. I put a hand on her to stop her. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"Cam wants to talk to you."
"You're in tears because Cam wants to talk to me?"
"Just, go."
I looked to Gina, who nodded, and took Tracy in her arms as I made my way down to the kitchen. I sat at the table.
Cam was looking very worried. "What's going on, Mike? I asked her how her first night home went and she went very quiet. And then she burst into tears."
I sighed. "She, she turned up at mine last night. She had another panic attack at home." I sighed again. "It's been a lot. A very long night, a not much shorter day. She was feeling alright this evening but I think talking to you brought it all back up?"
"She had another panic attack?"
"Before she got to me. She had several once she was at mine."
Cam was quiet for a moment. Then she looked slightly panicked herself. "I need to see her. I need to hold her. If I, if I get to the airport soon I can make the next flight..."
"No!"
I turned to see Tracy in the doorway. She hurried over to the laptop.
I put a hand on her back to steady her. I could feel her shaking. I pulled out the chair next to me and pushed her into it.
"I don't want to leave you, Tracy. Mike's told me about what happened. How can I be a good mum when I'm halfway across the world when you're feeling like this?"
"You can't come back just for me. Think about your job!"
"I'm thinking about my daughter."
There was a moment of silence.
"Cam, I think you need to stop for a moment and think. If you want to come back of course that's your decision. But don't do it in a moment of panic. Tracy's here, she's safe, we've got her. She's not in any danger, you don't need to act straight away."
Cam nodded, taking in what I'd said. I could see tears coming to her eyes, though she looked down to try and hide them.
"I'll be ok." Tracy's voice had a confidence that I wasn't completely sure she felt. "I've got Mike and Gina. You're here even if you're not in person." She looked to me. "Mike's said I can stay as long as I need. I'm not on my own."
"She can stay here until you get home if she wants." Tracy looked at me in surprise and I nodded. "I mean it. I said you could have the bedroom, didn't I?"
"Well yeah, but..."
"Listen to Mike, Tracy," Cam said gently. "You've got a place to stay where you're safe and loved. Take it."
Tracy nodded.
I was glad to have Cam on my side. It was a lot easier to convince Tracy when there were two of us.
"Just, don't leave your job for me."
Cam's face had fallen. "I just want to hold you. I just want you with me, so I know you're ok."
I pulled Tracy towards me. "I can hold her for you. She's ok, I promise."
Cam gave me a smile. She knew the weight I put behind my promises, that I didn't promise something that wasn't true or I couldn't keep.
Tracy hugged me tightly back.
I gave the top of her top of her head a kiss, then turned back to Cam. "She's safe. And she'll be safe until you get back."
"Thank you."
Tracy turned back to the screen. "I do miss you, though. I missed not talking last night."
Cam sighed. "I'm so sorry, Tracy. There was so much going on I didn't get a break until late. I did try calling but you didn't answer."
"What time?"
"Around 9:30 for you."
"I was at Mike's by then."
"Well that's something at least. At least you weren't waiting around for my call."
Tracy went quiet.
"Tracy? What is it?"
She inhaled shakily. "I sat by my laptop for hours before that. I couldn't work out why you weren't answering. And then I had a panic attack and ran to Mike in the storm." She lowered her head. "I thought you didn't want me anymore."
Both mine and Cam's eyes widened.
I was first to speak. "Not want you anymore?"
"I thought because I was back home she'd be glad to stop having to fuss over me. And then when she didn't answer I thought she was happy to get rid of me altogether for a bit." She stood up shakily. "I've caused so much trouble lately, I completely understand. I'll, I'll talk to you later, Cam, when I'm feeling a bit better."
"No you don't." I caught her as she tried to leave. "Sit down."
"But..."
"Sit."
Tracy reluctantly sat back down.
Cam's eyes were full of tears. "Of course I want you, Tracy. I am so, so sorry I didn't let you know I was busy. I hated leaving it so late, and I was worried when you didn't answer. I was hoping you'd just gone to bed early but it ate me up all night." She gave Tracy a kind look. "You did well going to Mike rather than bottling it all up inside though. I'm so glad, and proud of you for that, and I'm sure Mike is too."
I gave Tracy a squeeze. "Of course I am. You did really well coming to me."
Tracy relaxed.
Cam looked at her closely. "I love you, Tracy. Nothing is ever going to change that. I love you with all my heart and always will."
"I love you too."
We sat for a moment in silence.
"It's getting late," I said, noting the time on the laptop. "I think you could do with some sleep."
"I think I could too." Tracy turned to Cam. "See you tomorrow?"
Cam gave her a smile. "Of course. I promise."
The last bit of tension left Tracy's body.
"Bye then." Cam waved
"Bye." Tracy gave a small wave back.
The screen what blank.
"You're ok. I'm still here. You're not on your own," I reminded Tracy as I felt some fear returning to her.
Tracy sighed. "I know."
"Did you want to nip home and get your things? With everything going on today I completely forgot."
"Can we go in the morning? I don't really feel up for it now."
"Of course." I gave her a smile.
Tracy closed the laptop and picked it up. "Are you staying tonight?"
"Gina's on tonight."
Tracy looked anxious for a moment, then caught herself. "Ok. I'll see you tomorrow then." She gave me a smile, but her eyes were still full of worry.
I sighed. It never took much from Tracy to twist my arm. "Do you want me to stay?"
"No, I, I'll be ok. Gina's here."
"Are you sure?"
Tracy nodded.
"Ok." I pulled Tracy into a hug. "I'll keep my phone on. Call me if you need anything at all."
"I will."
I gave her a smile as I pulled away. We went out of the kitchen together, and into the office. Tracy put her laptop away, then headed upstairs silently.
I sighed. I wasn't going to sleep knowing she was like this, anymore than she was going to sleep in this state. I quietly pushed open the door to Gina's bedroom, jumping slightly when I realised she was still awake.
"Mike? What're you doing?"
"Sorry." I went to get some pyjamas out of the drawer. "The conversation with Cam was difficult, as expected. I'm going to stay with her tonight."
"Is she ok?"
"She will be."
Gina gave me a smile. "Come and get me if she needs me in the night."
I gave her a smile back. "I will, thank you."
I headed to the bathroom to get changed. I was slow, giving Tracy the chance to get ready herself. I'd brought her pyjamas with me this morning, so I knew she had them with her. I waited about ten minutes before I headed down to her room.
It was dark. I'd expected a light to be left on, but the only light came from the moon shining through the curtains. I quietly shut the door behind me.
She didn't seem to have heard me.
I walked over to the bed, then lay down beside her. She turned to look at me, her eyes glinting in the moonlight.
"I'm here. I'm staying. Get some sleep."
"But..."
"No, don't talk. I don't want to hear your voice. I want you to sleep."
Tracy lay her head back down, giving a relaxed sigh. I placed my arm over her and took her hand.
She gave mine a squeeze. "Thank you."
I gave her a kiss on the top of her head.
We settled down. I could feel Tracy's body, and feel the difference from the previous night. She was calm, relaxed. My own body felt much the same.
I gave her hand a squeeze.
As I felt her drift off to sleep I smiled. I hoped it would be calm and restful for her, but I was here should she need me.
I closed my eyes, close to sleep myself. As I felt myself drifting off I smiled, remembering what I'd told Cam.
"You're safe. I'll keep you safe."
I gave her hand a final squeeze before sleep came to take me.
"I promise."
A/N I don't know why this was so long. I sort of just keep writing at the moment. It's nice though, I haven't enjoyed writing like this for ages, and I'm getting so into it again, it's so much fun. Hope you enjoyed this