p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""Hello, Dean."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Hand still loosely gripping the doorknob of the shitty motel room he and Sam rented because both of them were too exhausted to drive back to the bunker after ganking a nest of vamps, Dean stopped. His heart stopped. Hell, fucking time stopped at the sound of that voice. The voice he never thought he would ever get to hear again. The low familiar rumble of his best friend. Castiel./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Heart in his throat, he spun around, the duffle on his shoulder falling to the pavement in front of him into a puddle but he barely noticed. He half expected it to be a terrible trick his mind was playing on him but there he was. Clad in dark pants, a white dress shirt, blue tie askew like always and that signature tan trench coat was Cas./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Cas was back. Holy shit! Cas was back. Standing there being pelted by freezing rain, the flannel shirt he was wearing sticking to his skin, Dean couldn't get his freakin' mouth to work. Dean Winchester, the king of cool, the man who could easily pick up almost any chick he wanted by flashing his signature grin and saying a few choice words couldn't think of a single damn thing to say. His breath was coming fast now, visible to his eyes as it curled up in front of him, signaling it was way too damn cold to just be standing outside like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. His heart was racing in his chest, galloping at a speed that even Baby wouldn't be able to match./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Cas was standing close enough Dean swore he could feel the heat radiating from his body. This was the man, no, emangel/em, who poured his heart and soul out to save his life. He sacrificed himself so Dean could live. Cas told him he loved him, and he couldn't even bring himself to say it back. Dean's throat clicked as he swallowed. He found it pretty damn ironic that it was pouring because honestly, it felt like he was drowning./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""Cas." Well, that was one word. It was a start./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""Dean." The way Cas said his name was warm and inviting and made him shiver./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""So, you're back?" God he hated the way his voice sounded so distant but after Lucifer used Cas' voice to manipulate him, he had to be sure it was really him./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"This was not the way he imagined their reunion would go. Over the last few months, he had plenty of time to picture this scenario in his head a thousands times. The way he would grab Cas by the lapels of his stupid trench coat and reel him in. The way Cas' eyes would widen slightly in surprise just before their mouths came together hard. The tiny gasp of pleasure he imagined Cas would make the second their lips collided. The way Cas' tongue would feel tangled with his. But no. This was the reality he was currently living. He was standing there, looking like a complete and total douche canoe with absolutely nothing important to say./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""Seems that way."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"This conversation was awkward. Why the hell was it so damn awkward? It was never awkward between them before. But then again, that was before Cas confessed that he loved him. Now Dean may be oblivious to a lot of things, but he knew that his best friend wasn't talking about brotherly love. Nope. Cas was emin/em love with him. The knowledge made him feel all sorts of ways, and he still struggled with accepting it because he wasn't sure he was worthy of love, let alone the love of a freakin' angel of the lord./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""You full-throttle again or?" The only thing Dean seemed able to do was pepper Cas with questions. He was deflecting but he couldn't help it./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""If you are asking if I got my wings back then yes. Jack fully restored me to my former glory. My wings and Grace are all at 'full throttle.'" Cas threw up the air quotes as he tilted his head in the adorable way he does, and it made Dean feel warm all over despite the ice pelting his skin. And yeah, Dean can now admit, to himself at least, that Cas could be...no emwas/em..adorable. "Dean, you must be freezing. Let's go inside the room and talk."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""Sam's in there." Dean hated how his voice went up an octave without his consent./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"One of Cas' eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "Yes, and? I should say hello to him too. I'm sure he would want to know that I am back."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""You should, yeah, but..." But what? Dean could barely swallow around the giant lump in his throat. span style="font-style: normal;"But- he wanted Cas to himself. At least for awhile. At least until they hashed this thing out. Yeah. /spanemThing/emspan style="font-style: normal;". He was just going to call it a thing for now. "How about I go get another room? I-I mean if you wanna stay." Dear God. He was acting like a blushing teenager instead of a man who hunts and kills the things that go bump in the night "I know angels don't sleep but you could still-" Dean hoped his voice didn't betray how scared he was, scared that Cas would turn him down, leave him in the pouring rain alone./span/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"The gentle smile Cas gave him made his heart flutter with hope. "Yes, Dean. I'll stay."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;" /p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"It was late at night so getting another room was a snap. The guy at the front desk, a sloppy balding man in a dirty white tank top with a cigarette held loosely between his yellowing teeth, merely grunted when Dean asked for another room, eyes never leaving the computer screen in front of him. Unluckily for Dean, the volume was not turned all the way down, and he was able to hear the moans of ecstasy going on. Of course the guy was watching porn so it was completely out of his control when his mind flipped back to the day Cas sat down in front of the television and innocently said,/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"span style="font-size: medium;"em"/em/span/spanspan style="color: #181818;"span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"span style="font-size: medium;"emspan style="font-weight: normal;"If the pizza man truly loves this babysitter, why does he keep slapping her rear? Perhaps she's done something wrong."/span/em/span/span/span/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"At the memory of his best friend watching straight-up nasty-ass porn in front of him, heat flooded his face. He was sure he was red as that babysitter's ass after being spanked senseless by the pizza man. Suddenly, a vivid image of Cas dressed in that dumb delivery man outfit flashed in front of his eyes, and there he was lying across the angel's knee, ready for Cas' big hand to come down on the naked skin of his ass and mark him up good. When reality set back in, he realized he was hard. He was hard as a fucking diamond standing in front of a stranger daydreaming about Cas spanking the ever-living shit out of him. He needed to get out of there. Immediately./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"His hand slammed the credit card down on the counter with more force than necessary. He was so flustered he didn't even check to make sure he used the same card he did when he checked in earlier. In the moment, it didn't matter. "Run it." Dean's voice was pushy, boarding on rude but fuck if he could help it. The man finally pulled his eyes away from the screen, obviously annoyed with the attitude. "Please." Dean forced out from between his clenched teeth. He was openly fidgeting now, pressing the heel of a hand against his soaking wet jeans, urging little Dean to calm the hell down. At least the counter was hiding his current predicament. emPlease please please. I'm wet and cold and horny as hell and please just get me outta here. /emThe second after his card was swiped, it was shoved back hastily into his jeans and he was out of there. He didn't bother putting it in his wallet. He didn't even bother saying anything to Cas as he brushed right past him to jam the key into the lock with shaking hands and throw open the door of their-emhis/em room./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"It was your typical shitty motel room in the middle of bumfuck nowhere but at least it was dry. Of course it was directly next door to the room he got with Sam. They were sharing a wall and Dean knew from personal experience how thin the walls in these places tended to be. Wait, why did that bother him? In the past it did not bother him if Sam could hear what was going on next door. In fact, Dean found it hilarious to embarrass his brother with his conquests by making little comments to poke at him. But this was no conquest. This was Cas. This was Cas, their best friend. Not that they would be doing anything that made that kind of noise. Cas making those kind of emnoises. /emNeedy, begging, panting Goddamn./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Dean, are you okay?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"It was the concern apparent in Cas' voice that forced Dean to stop his beeline to the bathroom. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he turned to face his friend. He hoped his erection wasn't too obvious through the denim of his drenched jeans. "I'm fine, Cas. Just-uh-going to the bathroom to get some towels to dry off." It was then he noticed that Cas was dry. Bone dry./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Or I could dry you off instead." There was a gleam in Cas' eyes that boarded on predatory./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean couldn't help but gulp loudly, a hand flying to cover the crotch of his pants as they tightened further. Why did he go and draw attention to himself like that? It was as if he was holding a sign that said,em "Look right here. I have a boner. Check it out." /emCas did not need to be putting his hands on him. Not right now. He was far too wound up, about to explode like Mount Vesuvius. "Or you could make yourself at home, take off that ridiculous coat and wait for me here." To accentuate his point, he motioned to the bed. His eyes widened once he realized he didn't point to the table that had two chairs at it. That would have been the obvious choice. But no. He told Cas to get in the bed./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"When Cas obeyed and shrugged out of his trench coat, not only that but also his dark suit coat hidden underneath, Dean knew he was in trouble. So much fucking trouble. He swallowed thickly as Cas closed the space between them with three giant steps, dropping his coats on the bed. "You need to use the bathroom, buddy?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""You know angels don't need to use the bathroom, Dean."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Yeah, he knew that but he was trying his damnedest to defuse the situation. He could turn his back now. Go hole himself in the bathroom for awhile and when he came out change the subject like a coward. They could keep dancing around each other like this forever or Dean could finally do what he told himself he was going to do while Cas was gone if he ever saw him again and man up. He faced off against vampires and werewolves and witches and demons on a weekly basis. He could do this. He could talk about his feelings./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean let out a stuttering breath as he ventured into uncharted territory. This was scarier than any hunt he had ever been on. "Cas, what you said back at the bunker-" When he realized he was staring at his feet, he forced his troubled gaze up to meet Cas' now questioning one. At least it seemed like the angel no longer want to devour him whole at the moment. emBe a man, Dean./em "You love me?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Yes, Dean. I love you." Cas' smile was soft, his voice steady and sure. "I want to be with you."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"span style="font-style: normal;" Even though Cas was clearly confident in his resolve, Dean still was not. When it came to his emotions and actually letting himself feel, he was an insecure bastard. "You actually want to be with me. Like, be /spanemwith/emspan style="font-style: normal;" me." He shook his head in disbelief. "Why?" He still couldn't believe it./span/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas sighed in the familiar way he does when he knows Dean is being utterly ridiculous. This man was so patient with him, and he honestly didn't deserve it. "Do you not remember what I said back before I was taken?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"It took Dean's brain a second before he could reply. Did Cas honestly just ask that question? "Of course I remember. What you said played over in my friggin' head every single time I had a quiet moment. I had to drink myself into a coma just to not hear those words, see the look on your face when you smiled at me before-" he swallowed, "before the Empty took you."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Dean-"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Once he started talking, the words just tumbled out of him. "God, Cas. Being without you is hell. It is hell, man. No, worse than hell. I've been to hell, and I would rather go back there than be without you again." And wow. Wasn't that an admission? It was huge. Fucking colossal. Bigger and more vast than all of the universes and realities combined. "I can't-I can't lose you again. I'm not-I'm not strong enough." The burning behind his eyes was a warning the floodgates were about to open so he tried to turn away but two warm hands cupped his face, not allowing him to hide his shame./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Dean." Cas' voice was gentle. Ocean blue eyes crinkled at the corners as they met his teary green ones. "I know how hard it is for you to share your feelings but you don't have to hide them. Not from me. You won't lose me. I will never leave you as long as you want me to stay."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas' words of sincerity caused the floodgates to burst open. A desperate sob tore out of Dean's throat, one he didn't even know he was holding in and he found himself pulled into Cas' comforting embrace. He buried his now runny nose into the angel's neck, inhaling the familiar scent he missed so much. Cas smelled like stepping outside after a thunderstorm. He smelled like creation itself. He smelled like home./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Big hands slid up Dean's back applying firm pressure as they moved, making him shiver but not from the cold. Speaking of cold, he found his teeth were no longer chattering. He was now completely dry. Hair. Clothes. Everything down to his underwear. When his crying was somewhat under control, Dean pulled back enough to meet Cas' eyes. He was still very close to the angel. Intimately close. Cas' strong arms were still wrapped around him but loosened a bit to allow him some space./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Did you just mojo me dry? Showoff." He hoped the playfulness in his voice was evident but he was still sniffling and snorting a bit. When he noticed it seemed like Cas had been crying too, he bit down on his lower lip. emPlease don't cry, Cas. I can't bare it when you cry./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas' teary gaze wandered from Dean's lips up to his eyes. After another blink or two, the shimmering in the angel's eyes disappeared as a serious expression flicked across his face. Dean could tell his friend was clearly contemplating something important, something Dean wanted to ask him to share but then the look was gone. When Cas released his hold, actually taking a full step back from him, the temperature in the room seemed to plummet ten degrees. "And healed your wounds, yes. You were close to hypothermia. Were you on a hunt?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Even though they were inside, Dean felt cold. It felt like there was a thousand miles now stretched between them. "Vampires." Shoving down the uneasy feeling trying to creep up on him, Dean sniffed and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his now dry jacket before scanning the room in a search for tissues. They had to be in here somewhere. "Sammy and I took out the entire nest. They didn't even see it coming."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Does Sam require healing?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean shook his head and sniffed again. "No. No. He's fine."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I can unclog your sinuses too if you wish."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"That got a snort laugh out of Dean as he took a step back from the questing fingers Cas was extending toward his forehead. "That's really not necessary. Don't go wasting your mojo on a little runny nose. It's easily fixed." He located the tissue box on the nightstand next to the bed-the one bed in the room. One bed. Singular. Dean's pulse skyrocketed. He was sure he told the guy at the front desk he wanted a double. It was supposed to be a double./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I can leave."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Those three words had Dean launching himself toward Cas at lightning speed. "No!" He blurted out in fear, grabbing Cas' arm before he could fly off to God knows where. Of course Cas would feel his apprehension. It was likely coming off him in waves. What bothered Dean was he didn't know what he was actually nervous about. Was it the fact he never had feelings like this toward anyone before? Was it the fact he thought Cas might think he specifically asked for a single bed instead of a double? Was Cas even interested in physical intimacy? And if he was, did he want it with him? Okay, so yeah. He had watched him kiss Meg into a mushy mess and yes, Cas had slept with April but the bitch then went and killed him so Dean didn't like to think about that. Not at all. "No, I want you-I need you to stay! Please. Even though I didn't say it back, Cas, you have to know I want you to stay. Do you still want to stay?" emPlease read into what I can't say, Cas. Please./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I never expected you to say it back, Dean."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean froze. That wasn't what he expected Cas to say. He was sure Cas would respond with, "Yemes, Dean, I'll stay." /emBut instead-Dean furrowed his brows in confusion. "You never expected me to say it back?" Was he a fucking parrot?/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"When Cas dropped his gaze to stare at the floor, Dean knew something was up. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." And Cas actually had the audacity to look-guilty?/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean's stomach churned. "Cas, what aren't you telling me?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas' shoulders sagged in defeat, eyes remaining on what Dean believed to be his boots. His mud caked, blood covered boots. And Dean was drowning again. His head was going under and he couldn't seem to catch his breath, waiting for the bomb to drop. "I originally wasn't going to alert you that Jack had pulled me out of the Empty. I was going to remain in heaven and stay there. Indefinitely. That was until I heard your prayers and realized just how much you were suffering. I could not let it continue for any longer. Feeling you grieving for a three months was too much."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"At Cas' admission, Dean's jaw dropped open. He was sure he looked like a damn cartoon character. He was straight up Looney Tunes right now but he could not have cared less. What. The. Actual. Fuck. Now under normal circumstances, the fact Cas admitted he heard his prayers would have sent his mind reeling. emWhat prayers? Which ones? All of them? What had I actually prayed?/em But this was not normal. This was far from normal. Disbelief quickly evolved into hot-red blinding anger, taking on a life of its own, tearing out of him like an alien bursting out of that fucking man's chest in the movie. A snarl that could have rivaled a werewolf ripped out of him as he advanced on his friend. "Are you fucking serious, man?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Dean..."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"His finger was in Cas' face, and the angel actually took a retreating step backward even though he could have easily smited him with a single snap of his fingers. "No. No. It's my turn to talk now. You were seriously going to let me go on believing that you were dead, that I would never see you again? How fucking selfish of you!"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""That wasn't my intention."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Whatever your intentions were they fucking sucked, man. I was down here mourning you and you were fine and dandy just fucking around in heaven? And for a three fucking months? Twelve weeks you let me go on thinking you were gone forever." Cas' admission hurt. No. Hurt was not the correct word to describe this agony. Cas' admission emdestroyed/em him. Cut him down to his very bones and left him bleeding out. "Obviously what you said to me that day was a lie. There's no way you could have meant what you said and left me to suffer." His spoken words turned to ash in his mouth. He knew they would hurt Cas but his anger didn't care. His anger wanted Cas to feel the way he was./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Dean-" There was a warning in Cas' tone. His hands became tight fists at his sides, his blue eyes barely hiding the fact he was a being older than the world itself. "You emknow/em that's not true."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"span style="font-style: normal;" Part of him knew Cas was telling him the truth, but that part was buried deep at the moment and was unreachable. The other part of him, the pissed off, insecure part Dean did not have a leash on, did not care either way. Dean met those inhuman glowing eyes that were as bright as stars, lifting his lip in a partial snarl. Yeah, Cas could be absolutely terrifying. Just ask him about the first time they officially met that day in the barn. The amount of power held behind those usually kind blue eyes could destroy atoms, but Dean knew Cas would never hurt him. Could never hurt him. At least not physically. But damn had his words hurt him, cut into his soul and yanked out a part of it. /spanemHe wasn't going to come back. He was going to abandon me./emspan style="font-style: normal;" "Maybe you should fuck right off to heaven."/span/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Those eyes faded back to human blue as the angel reached out for him. "Dean-"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Still seeing red, Dean reflexively knocked Cas' hand away as if he was a rival and not the love of his life. "Just go! I don't want you here. Get the fuck out, Cas!" As soon as the words left his lips, he instantly regretted them. He wished he could take them back because he didn't mean them. God, did he not mean them. The familiar whooshing sound of wings hit his eardrums a millisecond before Cas disappeared right in front of his eyes./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"He did it again. He drove Cas away. He always drove everyone away. "Sonofabitch!" Letting out a snarl of rage, Dean's fist was on the way to connect with the door when it flew open to reveal Sam./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"His younger brother easily caught Dean's punch in the palm of his hand before it could land on his jaw. "What the hell, Dean?" Sam was breathing heavily as his eyes darted around the room. "What the hell is going on? Did I hear Cas? I thought I heard Cas."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""You did." emAnd he's gone now, Sam. He's gone, and it's my fault./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam's eyes grew larger as he peered around Dean's shoulder trying to locate their now absent friend. Dean was sure his shouting woke him up from his sleep. He did feel a little guilty about that since neither of them had gotten much sleep lately. "Cas is back? Seriously?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Yeah," was all Dean could bring himself to say, all of the fight drained out of him after almost hauling off and hitting his brother./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Where is he?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;" align="LEFT"Dean could see the moment when Sam's wandering eyes found Cas' abandoned clothing on the bed because they widened just a fraction but he didn't comment on it. He didn't say a fucking word so Dean pressed on. "The fuck if I know. He flew off and left like he always does." emBecause I push people away. I push /ememuspan style="font-weight: normal;"him/span/u/emem away. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than me. /emAnd suddenly it was all too much. He couldn't deal with the crushing knowledge that he deliberately hurt Cas. He needed to forget, and he knew just how to do that. He knew just the distraction he needed. "We're going out."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"From the expression on Sam's face, the mere suggestion was crazy. "What?" He shook his head, shaggy hair falling across his eyes. "No. You obviously just had a fight with Cas. You need time to cool off. Just come back to my room and we'll talk..." The look he gave Sam made his brother put his hands up in surrender. "Or not. We can put on a movie or you can just sit and stew in silence. Whatever you want but come on. No bar. Not tonight. We both need to rest up so we can get on the road early tomorrow. I want to see Eileen."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Ah yes. Eileen was back. Jack had given Sam a little gift before he left for heaven. At times, Dean found himself forgetting who was alive and who was actually dead because nothing seemed to stick. Well, maybe now it would since Jack said he was going to be hands-off. Sam had not seen Eileen in a few days and wanted to get back to the bunker as soon as possible. But even that being the case, Dean desperately needed a distraction right now. He couldn't think about Cas. He clapped his brother on the shoulder. "Sammy, I am going to the bar with or without you. I'm going to have a few drinks. Are you coming or what?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean knew immediately he had won when Sam's shoulders sagged and he groaned loudly. "Let me grab my jacket."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Hand still loosely gripping the doorknob of the shitty motel room he and Sam rented because both of them were too exhausted to drive back to the bunker after ganking a nest of vamps, Dean stopped. His heart stopped. Hell, fucking time stopped at the sound of that voice. The voice he never thought he would ever get to hear again. The low familiar rumble of his best friend. Castiel./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Heart in his throat, he spun around, the duffle on his shoulder falling to the pavement in front of him into a puddle but he barely noticed. He half expected it to be a terrible trick his mind was playing on him but there he was. Clad in dark pants, a white dress shirt, blue tie askew like always and that signature tan trench coat was Cas./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Cas was back. Holy shit! Cas was back. Standing there being pelted by freezing rain, the flannel shirt he was wearing sticking to his skin, Dean couldn't get his freakin' mouth to work. Dean Winchester, the king of cool, the man who could easily pick up almost any chick he wanted by flashing his signature grin and saying a few choice words couldn't think of a single damn thing to say. His breath was coming fast now, visible to his eyes as it curled up in front of him, signaling it was way too damn cold to just be standing outside like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. His heart was racing in his chest, galloping at a speed that even Baby wouldn't be able to match./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Cas was standing close enough Dean swore he could feel the heat radiating from his body. This was the man, no, emangel/em, who poured his heart and soul out to save his life. He sacrificed himself so Dean could live. Cas told him he loved him, and he couldn't even bring himself to say it back. Dean's throat clicked as he swallowed. He found it pretty damn ironic that it was pouring because honestly, it felt like he was drowning./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""Cas." Well, that was one word. It was a start./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""Dean." The way Cas said his name was warm and inviting and made him shiver./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""So, you're back?" God he hated the way his voice sounded so distant but after Lucifer used Cas' voice to manipulate him, he had to be sure it was really him./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"This was not the way he imagined their reunion would go. Over the last few months, he had plenty of time to picture this scenario in his head a thousands times. The way he would grab Cas by the lapels of his stupid trench coat and reel him in. The way Cas' eyes would widen slightly in surprise just before their mouths came together hard. The tiny gasp of pleasure he imagined Cas would make the second their lips collided. The way Cas' tongue would feel tangled with his. But no. This was the reality he was currently living. He was standing there, looking like a complete and total douche canoe with absolutely nothing important to say./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""Seems that way."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"This conversation was awkward. Why the hell was it so damn awkward? It was never awkward between them before. But then again, that was before Cas confessed that he loved him. Now Dean may be oblivious to a lot of things, but he knew that his best friend wasn't talking about brotherly love. Nope. Cas was emin/em love with him. The knowledge made him feel all sorts of ways, and he still struggled with accepting it because he wasn't sure he was worthy of love, let alone the love of a freakin' angel of the lord./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""You full-throttle again or?" The only thing Dean seemed able to do was pepper Cas with questions. He was deflecting but he couldn't help it./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""If you are asking if I got my wings back then yes. Jack fully restored me to my former glory. My wings and Grace are all at 'full throttle.'" Cas threw up the air quotes as he tilted his head in the adorable way he does, and it made Dean feel warm all over despite the ice pelting his skin. And yeah, Dean can now admit, to himself at least, that Cas could be...no emwas/em..adorable. "Dean, you must be freezing. Let's go inside the room and talk."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""Sam's in there." Dean hated how his voice went up an octave without his consent./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"One of Cas' eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "Yes, and? I should say hello to him too. I'm sure he would want to know that I am back."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""You should, yeah, but..." But what? Dean could barely swallow around the giant lump in his throat. span style="font-style: normal;"But- he wanted Cas to himself. At least for awhile. At least until they hashed this thing out. Yeah. /spanemThing/emspan style="font-style: normal;". He was just going to call it a thing for now. "How about I go get another room? I-I mean if you wanna stay." Dear God. He was acting like a blushing teenager instead of a man who hunts and kills the things that go bump in the night "I know angels don't sleep but you could still-" Dean hoped his voice didn't betray how scared he was, scared that Cas would turn him down, leave him in the pouring rain alone./span/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"The gentle smile Cas gave him made his heart flutter with hope. "Yes, Dean. I'll stay."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;" /p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"It was late at night so getting another room was a snap. The guy at the front desk, a sloppy balding man in a dirty white tank top with a cigarette held loosely between his yellowing teeth, merely grunted when Dean asked for another room, eyes never leaving the computer screen in front of him. Unluckily for Dean, the volume was not turned all the way down, and he was able to hear the moans of ecstasy going on. Of course the guy was watching porn so it was completely out of his control when his mind flipped back to the day Cas sat down in front of the television and innocently said,/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"span style="font-size: medium;"em"/em/span/spanspan style="color: #181818;"span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"span style="font-size: medium;"emspan style="font-weight: normal;"If the pizza man truly loves this babysitter, why does he keep slapping her rear? Perhaps she's done something wrong."/span/em/span/span/span/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"At the memory of his best friend watching straight-up nasty-ass porn in front of him, heat flooded his face. He was sure he was red as that babysitter's ass after being spanked senseless by the pizza man. Suddenly, a vivid image of Cas dressed in that dumb delivery man outfit flashed in front of his eyes, and there he was lying across the angel's knee, ready for Cas' big hand to come down on the naked skin of his ass and mark him up good. When reality set back in, he realized he was hard. He was hard as a fucking diamond standing in front of a stranger daydreaming about Cas spanking the ever-living shit out of him. He needed to get out of there. Immediately./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"His hand slammed the credit card down on the counter with more force than necessary. He was so flustered he didn't even check to make sure he used the same card he did when he checked in earlier. In the moment, it didn't matter. "Run it." Dean's voice was pushy, boarding on rude but fuck if he could help it. The man finally pulled his eyes away from the screen, obviously annoyed with the attitude. "Please." Dean forced out from between his clenched teeth. He was openly fidgeting now, pressing the heel of a hand against his soaking wet jeans, urging little Dean to calm the hell down. At least the counter was hiding his current predicament. emPlease please please. I'm wet and cold and horny as hell and please just get me outta here. /emThe second after his card was swiped, it was shoved back hastily into his jeans and he was out of there. He didn't bother putting it in his wallet. He didn't even bother saying anything to Cas as he brushed right past him to jam the key into the lock with shaking hands and throw open the door of their-emhis/em room./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"It was your typical shitty motel room in the middle of bumfuck nowhere but at least it was dry. Of course it was directly next door to the room he got with Sam. They were sharing a wall and Dean knew from personal experience how thin the walls in these places tended to be. Wait, why did that bother him? In the past it did not bother him if Sam could hear what was going on next door. In fact, Dean found it hilarious to embarrass his brother with his conquests by making little comments to poke at him. But this was no conquest. This was Cas. This was Cas, their best friend. Not that they would be doing anything that made that kind of noise. Cas making those kind of emnoises. /emNeedy, begging, panting Goddamn./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Dean, are you okay?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"It was the concern apparent in Cas' voice that forced Dean to stop his beeline to the bathroom. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he turned to face his friend. He hoped his erection wasn't too obvious through the denim of his drenched jeans. "I'm fine, Cas. Just-uh-going to the bathroom to get some towels to dry off." It was then he noticed that Cas was dry. Bone dry./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Or I could dry you off instead." There was a gleam in Cas' eyes that boarded on predatory./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean couldn't help but gulp loudly, a hand flying to cover the crotch of his pants as they tightened further. Why did he go and draw attention to himself like that? It was as if he was holding a sign that said,em "Look right here. I have a boner. Check it out." /emCas did not need to be putting his hands on him. Not right now. He was far too wound up, about to explode like Mount Vesuvius. "Or you could make yourself at home, take off that ridiculous coat and wait for me here." To accentuate his point, he motioned to the bed. His eyes widened once he realized he didn't point to the table that had two chairs at it. That would have been the obvious choice. But no. He told Cas to get in the bed./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"When Cas obeyed and shrugged out of his trench coat, not only that but also his dark suit coat hidden underneath, Dean knew he was in trouble. So much fucking trouble. He swallowed thickly as Cas closed the space between them with three giant steps, dropping his coats on the bed. "You need to use the bathroom, buddy?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""You know angels don't need to use the bathroom, Dean."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Yeah, he knew that but he was trying his damnedest to defuse the situation. He could turn his back now. Go hole himself in the bathroom for awhile and when he came out change the subject like a coward. They could keep dancing around each other like this forever or Dean could finally do what he told himself he was going to do while Cas was gone if he ever saw him again and man up. He faced off against vampires and werewolves and witches and demons on a weekly basis. He could do this. He could talk about his feelings./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean let out a stuttering breath as he ventured into uncharted territory. This was scarier than any hunt he had ever been on. "Cas, what you said back at the bunker-" When he realized he was staring at his feet, he forced his troubled gaze up to meet Cas' now questioning one. At least it seemed like the angel no longer want to devour him whole at the moment. emBe a man, Dean./em "You love me?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Yes, Dean. I love you." Cas' smile was soft, his voice steady and sure. "I want to be with you."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"span style="font-style: normal;" Even though Cas was clearly confident in his resolve, Dean still was not. When it came to his emotions and actually letting himself feel, he was an insecure bastard. "You actually want to be with me. Like, be /spanemwith/emspan style="font-style: normal;" me." He shook his head in disbelief. "Why?" He still couldn't believe it./span/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas sighed in the familiar way he does when he knows Dean is being utterly ridiculous. This man was so patient with him, and he honestly didn't deserve it. "Do you not remember what I said back before I was taken?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"It took Dean's brain a second before he could reply. Did Cas honestly just ask that question? "Of course I remember. What you said played over in my friggin' head every single time I had a quiet moment. I had to drink myself into a coma just to not hear those words, see the look on your face when you smiled at me before-" he swallowed, "before the Empty took you."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Dean-"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Once he started talking, the words just tumbled out of him. "God, Cas. Being without you is hell. It is hell, man. No, worse than hell. I've been to hell, and I would rather go back there than be without you again." And wow. Wasn't that an admission? It was huge. Fucking colossal. Bigger and more vast than all of the universes and realities combined. "I can't-I can't lose you again. I'm not-I'm not strong enough." The burning behind his eyes was a warning the floodgates were about to open so he tried to turn away but two warm hands cupped his face, not allowing him to hide his shame./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Dean." Cas' voice was gentle. Ocean blue eyes crinkled at the corners as they met his teary green ones. "I know how hard it is for you to share your feelings but you don't have to hide them. Not from me. You won't lose me. I will never leave you as long as you want me to stay."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas' words of sincerity caused the floodgates to burst open. A desperate sob tore out of Dean's throat, one he didn't even know he was holding in and he found himself pulled into Cas' comforting embrace. He buried his now runny nose into the angel's neck, inhaling the familiar scent he missed so much. Cas smelled like stepping outside after a thunderstorm. He smelled like creation itself. He smelled like home./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Big hands slid up Dean's back applying firm pressure as they moved, making him shiver but not from the cold. Speaking of cold, he found his teeth were no longer chattering. He was now completely dry. Hair. Clothes. Everything down to his underwear. When his crying was somewhat under control, Dean pulled back enough to meet Cas' eyes. He was still very close to the angel. Intimately close. Cas' strong arms were still wrapped around him but loosened a bit to allow him some space./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Did you just mojo me dry? Showoff." He hoped the playfulness in his voice was evident but he was still sniffling and snorting a bit. When he noticed it seemed like Cas had been crying too, he bit down on his lower lip. emPlease don't cry, Cas. I can't bare it when you cry./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas' teary gaze wandered from Dean's lips up to his eyes. After another blink or two, the shimmering in the angel's eyes disappeared as a serious expression flicked across his face. Dean could tell his friend was clearly contemplating something important, something Dean wanted to ask him to share but then the look was gone. When Cas released his hold, actually taking a full step back from him, the temperature in the room seemed to plummet ten degrees. "And healed your wounds, yes. You were close to hypothermia. Were you on a hunt?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Even though they were inside, Dean felt cold. It felt like there was a thousand miles now stretched between them. "Vampires." Shoving down the uneasy feeling trying to creep up on him, Dean sniffed and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his now dry jacket before scanning the room in a search for tissues. They had to be in here somewhere. "Sammy and I took out the entire nest. They didn't even see it coming."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Does Sam require healing?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean shook his head and sniffed again. "No. No. He's fine."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I can unclog your sinuses too if you wish."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"That got a snort laugh out of Dean as he took a step back from the questing fingers Cas was extending toward his forehead. "That's really not necessary. Don't go wasting your mojo on a little runny nose. It's easily fixed." He located the tissue box on the nightstand next to the bed-the one bed in the room. One bed. Singular. Dean's pulse skyrocketed. He was sure he told the guy at the front desk he wanted a double. It was supposed to be a double./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I can leave."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Those three words had Dean launching himself toward Cas at lightning speed. "No!" He blurted out in fear, grabbing Cas' arm before he could fly off to God knows where. Of course Cas would feel his apprehension. It was likely coming off him in waves. What bothered Dean was he didn't know what he was actually nervous about. Was it the fact he never had feelings like this toward anyone before? Was it the fact he thought Cas might think he specifically asked for a single bed instead of a double? Was Cas even interested in physical intimacy? And if he was, did he want it with him? Okay, so yeah. He had watched him kiss Meg into a mushy mess and yes, Cas had slept with April but the bitch then went and killed him so Dean didn't like to think about that. Not at all. "No, I want you-I need you to stay! Please. Even though I didn't say it back, Cas, you have to know I want you to stay. Do you still want to stay?" emPlease read into what I can't say, Cas. Please./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I never expected you to say it back, Dean."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean froze. That wasn't what he expected Cas to say. He was sure Cas would respond with, "Yemes, Dean, I'll stay." /emBut instead-Dean furrowed his brows in confusion. "You never expected me to say it back?" Was he a fucking parrot?/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"When Cas dropped his gaze to stare at the floor, Dean knew something was up. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." And Cas actually had the audacity to look-guilty?/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean's stomach churned. "Cas, what aren't you telling me?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas' shoulders sagged in defeat, eyes remaining on what Dean believed to be his boots. His mud caked, blood covered boots. And Dean was drowning again. His head was going under and he couldn't seem to catch his breath, waiting for the bomb to drop. "I originally wasn't going to alert you that Jack had pulled me out of the Empty. I was going to remain in heaven and stay there. Indefinitely. That was until I heard your prayers and realized just how much you were suffering. I could not let it continue for any longer. Feeling you grieving for a three months was too much."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"At Cas' admission, Dean's jaw dropped open. He was sure he looked like a damn cartoon character. He was straight up Looney Tunes right now but he could not have cared less. What. The. Actual. Fuck. Now under normal circumstances, the fact Cas admitted he heard his prayers would have sent his mind reeling. emWhat prayers? Which ones? All of them? What had I actually prayed?/em But this was not normal. This was far from normal. Disbelief quickly evolved into hot-red blinding anger, taking on a life of its own, tearing out of him like an alien bursting out of that fucking man's chest in the movie. A snarl that could have rivaled a werewolf ripped out of him as he advanced on his friend. "Are you fucking serious, man?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Dean..."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"His finger was in Cas' face, and the angel actually took a retreating step backward even though he could have easily smited him with a single snap of his fingers. "No. No. It's my turn to talk now. You were seriously going to let me go on believing that you were dead, that I would never see you again? How fucking selfish of you!"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""That wasn't my intention."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Whatever your intentions were they fucking sucked, man. I was down here mourning you and you were fine and dandy just fucking around in heaven? And for a three fucking months? Twelve weeks you let me go on thinking you were gone forever." Cas' admission hurt. No. Hurt was not the correct word to describe this agony. Cas' admission emdestroyed/em him. Cut him down to his very bones and left him bleeding out. "Obviously what you said to me that day was a lie. There's no way you could have meant what you said and left me to suffer." His spoken words turned to ash in his mouth. He knew they would hurt Cas but his anger didn't care. His anger wanted Cas to feel the way he was./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Dean-" There was a warning in Cas' tone. His hands became tight fists at his sides, his blue eyes barely hiding the fact he was a being older than the world itself. "You emknow/em that's not true."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"span style="font-style: normal;" Part of him knew Cas was telling him the truth, but that part was buried deep at the moment and was unreachable. The other part of him, the pissed off, insecure part Dean did not have a leash on, did not care either way. Dean met those inhuman glowing eyes that were as bright as stars, lifting his lip in a partial snarl. Yeah, Cas could be absolutely terrifying. Just ask him about the first time they officially met that day in the barn. The amount of power held behind those usually kind blue eyes could destroy atoms, but Dean knew Cas would never hurt him. Could never hurt him. At least not physically. But damn had his words hurt him, cut into his soul and yanked out a part of it. /spanemHe wasn't going to come back. He was going to abandon me./emspan style="font-style: normal;" "Maybe you should fuck right off to heaven."/span/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Those eyes faded back to human blue as the angel reached out for him. "Dean-"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Still seeing red, Dean reflexively knocked Cas' hand away as if he was a rival and not the love of his life. "Just go! I don't want you here. Get the fuck out, Cas!" As soon as the words left his lips, he instantly regretted them. He wished he could take them back because he didn't mean them. God, did he not mean them. The familiar whooshing sound of wings hit his eardrums a millisecond before Cas disappeared right in front of his eyes./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"He did it again. He drove Cas away. He always drove everyone away. "Sonofabitch!" Letting out a snarl of rage, Dean's fist was on the way to connect with the door when it flew open to reveal Sam./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"His younger brother easily caught Dean's punch in the palm of his hand before it could land on his jaw. "What the hell, Dean?" Sam was breathing heavily as his eyes darted around the room. "What the hell is going on? Did I hear Cas? I thought I heard Cas."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""You did." emAnd he's gone now, Sam. He's gone, and it's my fault./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam's eyes grew larger as he peered around Dean's shoulder trying to locate their now absent friend. Dean was sure his shouting woke him up from his sleep. He did feel a little guilty about that since neither of them had gotten much sleep lately. "Cas is back? Seriously?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Yeah," was all Dean could bring himself to say, all of the fight drained out of him after almost hauling off and hitting his brother./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Where is he?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;" align="LEFT"Dean could see the moment when Sam's wandering eyes found Cas' abandoned clothing on the bed because they widened just a fraction but he didn't comment on it. He didn't say a fucking word so Dean pressed on. "The fuck if I know. He flew off and left like he always does." emBecause I push people away. I push /ememuspan style="font-weight: normal;"him/span/u/emem away. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than me. /emAnd suddenly it was all too much. He couldn't deal with the crushing knowledge that he deliberately hurt Cas. He needed to forget, and he knew just how to do that. He knew just the distraction he needed. "We're going out."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"From the expression on Sam's face, the mere suggestion was crazy. "What?" He shook his head, shaggy hair falling across his eyes. "No. You obviously just had a fight with Cas. You need time to cool off. Just come back to my room and we'll talk..." The look he gave Sam made his brother put his hands up in surrender. "Or not. We can put on a movie or you can just sit and stew in silence. Whatever you want but come on. No bar. Not tonight. We both need to rest up so we can get on the road early tomorrow. I want to see Eileen."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Ah yes. Eileen was back. Jack had given Sam a little gift before he left for heaven. At times, Dean found himself forgetting who was alive and who was actually dead because nothing seemed to stick. Well, maybe now it would since Jack said he was going to be hands-off. Sam had not seen Eileen in a few days and wanted to get back to the bunker as soon as possible. But even that being the case, Dean desperately needed a distraction right now. He couldn't think about Cas. He clapped his brother on the shoulder. "Sammy, I am going to the bar with or without you. I'm going to have a few drinks. Are you coming or what?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean knew immediately he had won when Sam's shoulders sagged and he groaned loudly. "Let me grab my jacket."/p