p style="margin-bottom: 0in;""Make me a freakin' angel then!" The words tumbled out from between Dean's lips in rapid fire before he even realized what he was saying. When his brain finally caught up with his mouth, his jaw snapped shut and he bit down hard on his tongue. Since he was in heaven, it shouldn't have hurt, it shouldn't have bled but he wanted it to so it was something to focus on, something to ground him because he had to have been losing his mind. Being a hunter most of his life, the taste of blood was oh-so familiar to him. It was easy to imagine the coppery taste. What the fuck emwas/em he saying? emSonofabitch/em. Did he seriously order Jack to make him an angel?/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Jack looked absolutely gobsmacked. Not that Dean blamed him one bit. He was out of his fucking mind. "Dean, you don't know what you are asking."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Dean felt his nonexistent heart racing in his chest, his pulse pounding loudly in his ears even though blood no longer pumped through his veins. No. No, he didn't really know what he was asking but he wasn't about to admit to it out loud. Ever since learning that Cas was indeed in heaven with him, he knew he had to see him./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"The way that Cas had left when the Empty took him...no...violently ripped him away, left a gaping black hole in Dean's very being that could never be filled with anything and believe me, he tried. Not with alcohol. Not with food. Not with women. Not even with hunting. Nothing would fix his bleeding soul except for Castiel himself. Once or twice he even thought about ending it all just so he could finally see Cas again, but knowing how it would hurt Sam kept him from taking a flying leap off the edge./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"But now there shouldn't have been anything holding him back. As soon as the angel's name left Bobby's lips when he was told that he was helping Jack rebuild heaven, the heaven he was now currently in, that he wasn't forever trapped in the Empty and unreachable, it was Dean's mission to see him. Speeding down the road, hands tightly grasping Baby's steering wheel, his thoughts were mostly of Cas. Yes, of course he thought of his brother too. He hoped Sam would be able to move on now that he was gone. He hoped the nerd would finally get with Eileen now that Chuck was off the board completely. Dean knew she understood his brother, cared for him. She was a hunter too. He could see Sam settling down with her and actually starting his own little family and that thought made him smile./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"As soon as his thoughts shifted back to Cas though, the smile left him and he noticed he was white-knuckling it pretty hard. He could have sworn the wheel was going to break in his grasp. Cas. Cas confessing his love for him. Him standing there like a complete and total jackass instead of saying something, anything meaningful back. Cas being taken by the Empty. Cas being gone. Just before the helplessness could swallow him whole, a new feeling washed over him causing him to relax his grip. It was warm and comforting and familiar. It was Sam. Sam had arrived. Oh shit. Had he died right after him? Had he done something stupid? He tried his hardest to relax as he remembered Bobby's words about time being different up here. He couldn't have been in heaven much longer than a couple of hours but maybe on Earth it had been years. He damn well hoped it had been years./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"When he found his brother, he was assured that he had indeed lived a full life. He had gotten with Eileen and even had a son. Dean was an uncle. Huh. Imagine that. So now in the afterlife, he had Bobby. He had Sam. He had Charlie. He had his mother. Hell, he even had his father. Then why did he still feel like this wasn't truly heaven...could never be? Deep down inside of course he knew what was missing, who was missing. Cas./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"For days he prayed to his best friend. Begged in fact for him to come, and Dean Winchester didn't beg but no matter how much he put himself out there, the angel never came. The next thought hit him like a ton of bricks and hurt worse than when he had been impaled. Maybe Cas didn't emwant/em to see him. Maybe he realized what he had said in that crucial moment when Death was literally knocking at the door had been a mistake. After all, it was hard for him to believe Cas' words. They were heartfelt, and Dean knew that Cas truly believed them. But did he himself? Did Dean believe he was worthy of being loved? No. He was flawed, so very flawed. He was a murderer with innocent blood on his hands. No. He didn't deserve a love as pure as Cas'. But still, even knowing all of that, he had to know for sure what was going on so he went to the last option he had left. Jack./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Dean had barely even entered Jack's new quarters when Jack straight up told him that Cas was unable to see him, that he would never be able to see him again. Hands-off, Jack had said. He was going to be hands-off. Angels and humans needed to stay separated unless absolutely it was deemed a necessary, both in life and in death. That's the way it had to be. And after arguing with Jack for what seemed like hours and letting him know just how full of shit he was and how it was absolutely necessary that Dean see the angel, the crazy demand just slipped out. So now here he was. Here he was asking, no demanding to be made an angel. Oh man. If this worked, Sam was going to straight up kick his ass./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Mustering up all of the courage he currently had at his disposal, Dean took what he hoped was a confident step toward the new God and nodded. "Yes, yes I do."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Jack inclined his head in the innocent way that Cas did even though the being before him was no angel. Technically he had been a nephilim. But he wasn't really that anymore either. Not really. "If I do this, you will no longer have a soul. Your soul will become your Grace. There is no going back from this, Dean."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Dean swallowed. And there it was. There was no going back. He was going to be an angel forever, and fuck if forever wasn't a long time. He would never see Sam again. That realization hurt. He would say it even burned, but he buried the feeling deep deep down like he had become so good at doing over the years. This was something he had to do. He had to see Cas. He could figure everything else out later. He always did. emThey/em always did "Just do it, dammit." Dean shook his arms out to his sides and cracked his neck this way and that in anticipation of what was to come. "Do it before I chicken out." It's now or never./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"A slight smile formed on Jack's lips as he reached out and place two fingers to Dean's forehead. He nodded. "Okay, Dean. This is going to hurt."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"And was that right there was the understatement of the century./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Jack looked absolutely gobsmacked. Not that Dean blamed him one bit. He was out of his fucking mind. "Dean, you don't know what you are asking."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Dean felt his nonexistent heart racing in his chest, his pulse pounding loudly in his ears even though blood no longer pumped through his veins. No. No, he didn't really know what he was asking but he wasn't about to admit to it out loud. Ever since learning that Cas was indeed in heaven with him, he knew he had to see him./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"The way that Cas had left when the Empty took him...no...violently ripped him away, left a gaping black hole in Dean's very being that could never be filled with anything and believe me, he tried. Not with alcohol. Not with food. Not with women. Not even with hunting. Nothing would fix his bleeding soul except for Castiel himself. Once or twice he even thought about ending it all just so he could finally see Cas again, but knowing how it would hurt Sam kept him from taking a flying leap off the edge./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"But now there shouldn't have been anything holding him back. As soon as the angel's name left Bobby's lips when he was told that he was helping Jack rebuild heaven, the heaven he was now currently in, that he wasn't forever trapped in the Empty and unreachable, it was Dean's mission to see him. Speeding down the road, hands tightly grasping Baby's steering wheel, his thoughts were mostly of Cas. Yes, of course he thought of his brother too. He hoped Sam would be able to move on now that he was gone. He hoped the nerd would finally get with Eileen now that Chuck was off the board completely. Dean knew she understood his brother, cared for him. She was a hunter too. He could see Sam settling down with her and actually starting his own little family and that thought made him smile./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"As soon as his thoughts shifted back to Cas though, the smile left him and he noticed he was white-knuckling it pretty hard. He could have sworn the wheel was going to break in his grasp. Cas. Cas confessing his love for him. Him standing there like a complete and total jackass instead of saying something, anything meaningful back. Cas being taken by the Empty. Cas being gone. Just before the helplessness could swallow him whole, a new feeling washed over him causing him to relax his grip. It was warm and comforting and familiar. It was Sam. Sam had arrived. Oh shit. Had he died right after him? Had he done something stupid? He tried his hardest to relax as he remembered Bobby's words about time being different up here. He couldn't have been in heaven much longer than a couple of hours but maybe on Earth it had been years. He damn well hoped it had been years./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"When he found his brother, he was assured that he had indeed lived a full life. He had gotten with Eileen and even had a son. Dean was an uncle. Huh. Imagine that. So now in the afterlife, he had Bobby. He had Sam. He had Charlie. He had his mother. Hell, he even had his father. Then why did he still feel like this wasn't truly heaven...could never be? Deep down inside of course he knew what was missing, who was missing. Cas./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"For days he prayed to his best friend. Begged in fact for him to come, and Dean Winchester didn't beg but no matter how much he put himself out there, the angel never came. The next thought hit him like a ton of bricks and hurt worse than when he had been impaled. Maybe Cas didn't emwant/em to see him. Maybe he realized what he had said in that crucial moment when Death was literally knocking at the door had been a mistake. After all, it was hard for him to believe Cas' words. They were heartfelt, and Dean knew that Cas truly believed them. But did he himself? Did Dean believe he was worthy of being loved? No. He was flawed, so very flawed. He was a murderer with innocent blood on his hands. No. He didn't deserve a love as pure as Cas'. But still, even knowing all of that, he had to know for sure what was going on so he went to the last option he had left. Jack./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Dean had barely even entered Jack's new quarters when Jack straight up told him that Cas was unable to see him, that he would never be able to see him again. Hands-off, Jack had said. He was going to be hands-off. Angels and humans needed to stay separated unless absolutely it was deemed a necessary, both in life and in death. That's the way it had to be. And after arguing with Jack for what seemed like hours and letting him know just how full of shit he was and how it was absolutely necessary that Dean see the angel, the crazy demand just slipped out. So now here he was. Here he was asking, no demanding to be made an angel. Oh man. If this worked, Sam was going to straight up kick his ass./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Mustering up all of the courage he currently had at his disposal, Dean took what he hoped was a confident step toward the new God and nodded. "Yes, yes I do."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Jack inclined his head in the innocent way that Cas did even though the being before him was no angel. Technically he had been a nephilim. But he wasn't really that anymore either. Not really. "If I do this, you will no longer have a soul. Your soul will become your Grace. There is no going back from this, Dean."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Dean swallowed. And there it was. There was no going back. He was going to be an angel forever, and fuck if forever wasn't a long time. He would never see Sam again. That realization hurt. He would say it even burned, but he buried the feeling deep deep down like he had become so good at doing over the years. This was something he had to do. He had to see Cas. He could figure everything else out later. He always did. emThey/em always did "Just do it, dammit." Dean shook his arms out to his sides and cracked his neck this way and that in anticipation of what was to come. "Do it before I chicken out." It's now or never./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"A slight smile formed on Jack's lips as he reached out and place two fingers to Dean's forehead. He nodded. "Okay, Dean. This is going to hurt."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"And was that right there was the understatement of the century./p