p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"Trigger warning: contains suicidal thoughts/actions/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"A muffled yell roused Sam from his sleep just as he was finally drifting off. An angry yell. Dean's yell. emDean./em Heart in his throat, pulsing racing as if he had run a marathon, Sam shot up straight, swinging his long legs over the side of his bed as he found his feet. He couldn't count the number of times he woke up this exact way. After all, being a Winchester meant always expecting danger. As if on reflex, his hand was closing around his gun before it even registered in his sleep-deprived brain, ready to go save Dean's ass from whatever shit his older brother had gotten himself into while he was desperately trying to recharge his own batteries. Dean's next shouted words froze him in place./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Get the fuck out, Cas!"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam's finger loosened on the trigger, gun falling from his shaking hand to land on the unmade bed as he found himself inevitably drawn toward the door. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes as they slowly adjusted to the dark room around him, his mind seemed to be finally catching up with the rest of his body. emCas? No way. /emCas was back from the Empty? He couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face at the revelation that his and Dean's best friend was back. Trying to bring back Cas had been months and months of research with no answers. Nada. Zilch. Zip. He never gave up trying to find a way to get Cas back. On the other hand after about a week of coming up with nothing, Dean forked off down a dark path of his own, drinking nonstop and refusing to get out of bed unless he was dragged along on a hunt. That's why they were here now. To get Dean the hell out of his room and get him some fresh air for once. Sam didn't know how long things could go on the way they were./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"But now, now Cas was back. There was light at the end of the tunnel. That thought was short lived when he remembered Dean yelling at Cas to leave. Frowning, Sam crinkled his brows in confusion. And wait, now fully awake, the wheels in his head were starting to make traction and turn, trying desperately to connect the dots. Why the hell was Dean next door and not in the room with him? What the hell was going on? Stepping out into the night, Sam paused only for a split second to take in the fact it was no longer raining like it had been the past two days before opening the door to the neighboring room to confront his brother. Instead of a friendly hello, he was greeted by a fist rushing at his face./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"And that was how Sam found himself in this current predicament, sitting at an unstable wobbly wooden table in a smoke-filled dive bar at almost midnight with his extremely agitated older brother. Even though it was late and a Thursday, the small bar was full of other people milling about, talking and laughing with each other. At least the atmosphere wasn't dreary. Sam didn't think he could take anymore of that. He waited until Dean sat down across from him, beer clutched in each hand before shooting him a glance that he hoped conveyed everything he wanted to say without opening his mouth. emCome on, Dean. Start talking./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean shot him a look back. Of course he didn't get it. He never did. If he did get it, he was pretending like he didn't but he wasn't going to get out of this that easily. "What?" His brother slid one of the beers toward him before popping his open. "Why are you looking at me like I just ran over your puppy?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Even though he really wasn't in the mood to drink, Sam accepted the offering. At least holding onto the bottle gave his hands something to do besides flail around aimlessly while he tried to get Dean to actually open up. "So are we going to talk about it or?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Talk about what?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam watched Dean's Adam's apple bob as he threw back his beer and chugged. So it was going to be one of those nights. Great. This was going to be so much fun. "Cas."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Setting his beer down with a thump, Dean narrowed his eyes into tiny slits. The defensive walls were already going up. "What about Cas?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Before he could stop it, a laugh of disbelief escaped from between Sam's closed lips. His brother was being absolutely ridiculous. Him trying to deflect was not going to work. Not this time. "Seriously? Cas has been gone for a long time. You never thought you were going to see him again. You thought he was dead. I thought he was dead. You were an absolute train wreck while he was gone, Dean, and the second he shows up you two end up in a big fight and you kick him out? Seriously? What the hell happened?" emPlease talk to me./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"His thoughts were likely to be useless. Sam thought Dean was going to clam up and not talk like so when he finally spoke, it surprised him. "He wasn't going to come back, Sam." Dean was fidgeting with his beer bottle, refusing to meet his eyes, his fingers drumming on the glass. "He was going to just stay in heaven and let me-emus/em go on believing he was dead."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"That explanation, well that Sam had not expected. He leaned toward Dean, blinking in shock. "You mean-"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"When Dean lifted his gaze, his eyes were glassy, full of unshed tears. "When Jack rescued him from the Empty, he was in heaven all this time. Three fucking months, Sam, and not so much as a 'hi, how ya doing' or a freakin' phone call."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I'm sure he had his reasons." Even as he said the words, he knew they fell flat./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean flashed his teeth. It was his turn to bark a laugh. The tears in his eyes vanished into thin air as he downed the rest of his beer. "Yeah, he didn't give a damn about me."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam noticed how Dean didn't try to correct himself that time. He used "me" instead of "us" when talking about Cas. It was no surprise he was taking all of this personally because it was. "You know that's not true. Cas cares about you-" Sam shook his head. That wasn't the right word to describe it. His hand flew out to grab Dean's arm giving it a gentle squeeze. "No. He loves you. Cas loves you, Dean." Eyes now as wide as saucers stared at Sam as if he sucker punched Dean in the gut. His brother honestly didn't remember telling him what happened the day Cas was taken. "Maybe you don't remember. You were drunk, drunker than I've ever seen you before and that's saying a lot." He was rewarded with a familiar annoyed scowl from Dean that told him to watch what he said next. "When you refused to answer my calls, I found you in the dungeon the day Cas was taken. You were inconsolable. You wouldn't let me comfort you. You said you deserved to suffer after what happened. You said Cas told you he loved you-" This was it. This was the part he knew Dean was going to react badly to hearing. His older brother never wanted to talk about his feelings. "You told me your life wasn't worth living without him in it, and I had to convince you not to follow behind him. You admitted to me you were in love with him."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean's eyes hardened, his jaw firmly set as he tried not to show any emotion. He was closing himself off like he always did. Sam was losing him. Dean cleared his throat. "I need something harder than beer." As his brother was getting up, Sam's hand flew out to grab his wrist, preventing him from leaving. The expression on Dean's face was almost scary enough to get him to release him. Almost. But he held on. He needed to hold on and get all of this out before Dean found a way to change the subject. "Let go, Sam."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""No. No, Dean. You need to hear this."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Sam, I swear to God if you don't let me go right now I will lay you out on your ass. I need a drink. Hell, I need ten drinks."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I don't want you to do something you will regret. Dammit, Dean. It hurts me to see you acting like this. You refused to let me wash the jacket with Cas' freakin' bloody hand print on it, and I found you sleeping with it at night. Why can't you just let yourself feel without torturing yourself? You love Cas. He loves you. You both deserve to be happy. emYou/em deserve to be happy."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"There was a blazing fire ignited behind Dean's hazel green eyes. Sam was almost one-hundred percent sure he had never seen him this pissed off before. Talking openly about the feelings Dean had for Cas did not only toe the line, it crossed over it completely. "Let. Me. Go. Now." There was a clear warning in his tone. When he got the chance, Dean was going to knock him the fuck out. And even if that was the case, he was glad he said what he said. A black eye and bruised jaw was worth having his brother hear those words. Maybe if he heard them enough, he would actually start to believe them./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Having said what he needed to say, he released his grip on Dean's wrist. Dean managed to pull himself together enough to not uppercut him in front of the table of curious women next to them who were clearly drawn into a conversation that did not concern them. "You want anything?" Dean's voice was neutral for having been seconds away from beating him within an inch of his life./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam shook his head. He didn't know if it was him refusing the drink or reacting to the way his brother was acting. He watched Dean walk toward the bar. As Dean leaned over the counter and tried to get the attention of the bartender who was chatting it up with a group of very intoxicated women, Sam took out his phone to keep himself busy. After all, he was awake against his will so he may as well catch up on a few things. He opened the camera roll and grinned as he scrolled through the silly selfies he had taken of himself with Eileen. Before he knew Cas was back, he felt guilty of the fact he was happy and his older brother was miserable. But now the remorse slipped away. Dean had another chance with Cas. He actually had a chance to be happy and if he fucked it up, it was nobody's fault but his own. Fifteen minutes had come and gone without him even realizing it. When he raised his head to see what was keeping Dean with the drinks, the smile he had gotten from reading his earlier text exchange with Eileen vanished./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Standing next to Dean and leaning into his side was a tall, attractive, ebony haired woman dressed in a tight black mini skirt that barely covered her ass and left little to the imagination. Her shoes were absolutely crazy. How a girl could balance in four inch heels and not break her ankles still blew his mind. The light blue crop top she was wearing exposed the golden skin of her flat stomach as she threw back a shot and fluttered her eyelashes at Dean. Dean laughed and followed her lead, taking a shot of his own before flashing her his signature smile. He followed it with another shot and then another. Sam's eyes widened. When he realized there was an entire line of full shot glasses set up in front of his brother and mystery woman, he leapt to his feet. Jesus. If he didn't stop him, Dean was on a one way street to black out central. "Dean, whoa."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Instead of being annoyed or angry his brother was interfering, Dean was in a much better mood. Probably a combination of the hard liquor and beautiful woman who touching him and eyeing him like he was a hunk of meat. "Sammy, boy! Take a shot with me." Dean's arm snaked around Sam's shoulders, pulling him closer. His breath reeked of alcohol. Shit. How much did he manage to drink while he wasn't paying attention? It was easy to lose track of time when thinking about Eileen. "This-this is my brother Sammy."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam glowered at the use of his nickname in front of a strange woman. Only Dean could call him that. "Sam. My name's Sam."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Sammy, this is-" Dean snickered turning to face his new acquaintance. He tried and failed to balance his chin on his elbow. "Shit-what's your name again?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"The woman wasn't put off by Dean's antics. Her sky blue eyes sparkled with delight as she tossed her curly dark hair over a shoulder. "Is your brother always this classy, Sam? Name's Dion. You two in town long?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Nah. Just passing through. Although I could be convinced to stay a little longer if you know what I mean." Dean suggestively waggled his eyebrows at Dion. Normally, Sam would have brushed off his behavior because it was just what Dean did. Dean was a known womanizer. Always had been. But this time, he couldn't stop the irritation and out right anger that welled up in his belly at the thought of Dean going home with some random woman./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Three months earlier, he had walked in on Dean just before the asshole killed himself and now instead of working things out with Cas, here he was getting shitfaced and reverting back to his old ways. Once Dion popped the cherry from her fruity drink into her mouth, removed the now tied stem to show Dean and he gaped at her, Sam couldn't stand to watch anymore. Goddammit. Why did Dean always do this to himself? Letting out a growl, Sam stormed away from the counter, leaving Dean drooling over Dion's tongue tricks./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Where you goin'?" Dean called after him./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Oh, so he had noticed he was gone. With the way Dean was drooling, Sam wouldn't have been surprised if the building collapsed around them and he wouldn't have detected a thing. "Bathroom," Sam snapped in annoyance, not stopping to turn back to his older, emotionally constipated brother. He couldn't stand seeing what Dean was doing to himself. What he was doing to Cas. He took his frustration out on the bathroom door, flinging it wide open as he stomped inside. It was dim in the adjoining room. The fluorescent light above was flickering on and off, one of the taps was dripping in an almost steady stream. Dirty tiles were broken and coming off the wall. The floor was sopping wet as if a shaggy dog had shook off inside. The one stall in the corner no longer had a door./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Grumbling and mumbling curse words under his breath, Sam situated himself at a urinal he wouldn't be caught dead using under normal circumstances. He was going to need a Tetanus shot after being in this place. As he was lowering his zipper, his eyes fell on a strange splatter on the wall in front of him. Was that blood and wait, what the hell was that? He zipped his pants back up. Nope. Not going to happen. He was going to have to pee outside, which meant walking past his brother who was quickly on his way to hooking up with that woman. emDean.../em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"emSeeing the destroyed door and scared out of his mind for his brother's safety, Sam practically threw himself into the dungeon. The harsh words he was about to throw at Dean for not answering his damn phone died on his lips as he took in his current state. Dean was huddled against the wall. His head was buried in his knees as sobs that seemed too big for his body overtook him. There was an empty bottle of liquor clutched in his right hand. For someone who was larger than life, Dean Winchester currently seemed so small. Small and broken. Destroyed. It made his stomach hurt./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em "Dean? Dean, what the hell happened?"/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Dean lifted his head and Sam's chest tightened at the agony reflected on his brother's face. Those green eyes were swimming with tears, and Dean didn't cry especially not like this. Sam could count the number of times he saw his brother cry. This was bad. What he told him next was going to be so so very bad. Dean's words only confirmed his fears. "It's Cas. He's gone."/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em "What?" No. No, it couldn't be. "What do you mean he's gone?"/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em "Billie was coming for me." Dean stopped retelling his tale as he raised the now empty liquor bottle to his lips. When he realized there was nothing left, he let it fall from his hand. The glass bottle clattered across the floor to stop at Sam's feet. Sam watched as Dean's head fell back against the wall with a loud smack, his eyes becoming fixed on the ceiling. Sam could see the tears of despair that streaked his cheeks, noticed the bloodied hand print on the shoulder of Dean's jacket. Cas' hand print. "She was going to kill me but he-he sacrificed himself to save me. Cas is gone, Sam. The Empty took him. It's my fault. It's all my fault."/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em It was then Sam noticed the gun. It had been stowed in Dean's jacket but now it was in Dean's shaking hand. Sam felt the floor fall out from under him. His throat closed up, making it difficult to speak. "Dean." Sam was talking to him like he was a spooked animal. "Dean, put down the gun."/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em "He told me he loved me." Dean turned the gun over in his hands, his stare now transfixed on the weapon in front of him. "He told me he loved me, Sam, and you know what I said?"/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Sam remained silent, not knowing what to do or to say to even begin to ease his brother's pain. The lump in his throat was almost too big to swallow around. Slowly he inched his way toward the emotional mess of a man on the floor. He needed to get close enough to disarm him./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Dean threw his head back into the wall several times, and Sam flinched at the sound it made. "That's right. Not a damn thing. I couldn't even say it back. What is wrong with me? Why the hell didn't I just say it back? I love him, Sam. God, I'm in love him and now he's gone and I can't do it. I just can't do it. I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry."/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Without a single thought as Dean raised the gun to press it against the side of his head, Sam sprang into action. He was on his brother in an instant, knocking the gun out of his trembling hand. It skittered across the floor to end up next to the abandoned liquor bottle. Sam's long arms wound protectively around his smaller but older brother, pulling him into a bone-crushing embrace. Dean didn't struggle or put up a fight. He merely dropped his head into Sam's shoulder in defeat and buried his snotty nose into his shirt. All Sam could do was hold him as he sobbed and apologized over and over. What the hell could he possibly say to make this okay? Things would never be okay again./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Obnoxiously loud rock music poured into the bathroom breaking Sam's trance, forcing him back into the present as a drunken older man stumbled his way inside. A Led Zeppelin song was on, and he wondered if Dean had been the one to find the jukebox. Staring into the cracked mirror at his own reflection, Sam made up his mind. He could not let Dean sabotage the most meaningful relationship he had in his life. Hell, if he was left with two black eyes and a broken nose that was fine but Dean was coming back to the motel with him./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"span style="font-style: normal;" He strode out of the restroom with new purpose, he was going to save his brother from himself even if it killed him. There was a small group of women that seemed to be with a bachelorette party giggling and mingling in the last place he saw Dean but his brother-his brother was nowhere to be found. The empty shot glasses were still flipped upside down on the bar, now abandoned. Quickly and almost effortlessly, Sam scanned his surroundings. Okay, so Dean wasn't at the counter. He had to be in here somewhere. He would find him. He always found him. His next stop was the pool tables but he wasn't there either. Well, since he couldn't find his brother, maybe he could find that woman and confirm she was still around. When he could not locate either of them, his stomach dropped out. Heart hammering in his chest, he sprinted toward the exit. /spanemNo. No. No. He didn't. I didn't leave him alone that long./emspan style="font-style: normal;" With the force of a /spanspan style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"span style="font-style: normal;"span style="font-weight: normal;"t/span/span/spanspan style="color: #001e2e;"span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"span style="font-size: medium;"span style="font-style: normal;"span style="font-weight: normal;"sunami/span/span/span/span/spanspan style="font-style: normal;" slamming into shore, he exploded outside, knocking into a much larger man who was on his way in, practically knocking them both onto their asses./span/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Hey, asshole! Watch it!" the man who was the size of a small silver back gorilla spat at him. But Sam didn't notice. The only thing he noticed was the fact Dean's Impala was gone. "Shit!"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;" /p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Pick up, Dean. Pick up the damn phone." Sam was now sitting in the back of an Uber, calling and texting his brother repeatedly like a crazed psycho stalker ex. His call went straight to voicemail but even that being the case, he still followed up ten more times in rapid succession. He left one message. "Dean. Dean, listen to me. Do not do this. Don't. Just call me back. Now. emPlease./em" As soon as he hung up, he opened up his text messages and started to type vigorously./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"emDEAN /em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Dean, come on/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Dean, please don't do this/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Don't do this to yourself/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Don't do this to Cas/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em DEAN ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"A man clearing his throat made him stop his typing tirade. "We're here."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"When Sam lifted his intense gaze from the phone, he met the impatient eyes of the driver who was clearly waiting for him vacate the vehicle ASAP. "Sorry!" Offering the man a sheepish grin, Sam slid out of his seat, exiting into the motel's darkened parking lot. As soon as the door was shut behind him, the car pealed out in a squeal of tires on asphalt, leaving skid marks before disappearing around the corner. Sam was alone. He was alone when he should be with his brother. His dumbass older brother who was currently on a path that would likely destroy the relationship he had with Cas. Maybe, just maybe, he could track Dean's phone and find his ass before he did anything he couldn't take back. Maybe he could hack into the traffic cameras and find him that way. Maybe he could but most likely not in time. No. There was no stopping Dean now. All he could do was go back to his room and wait for tomorrow morning when Dean would roll in, the stale stench of alcohol and morning after regret wafting from his wrinkled clothes and messed up hair. Letting out an exaggerated sigh, Sam stuck the key in the door./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Sam?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Hearing Cas' voice coming from directly behind him caused Sam to almost drop his phone. He spun around. And there he was standing as still as a statue. The only movement was the wind ruffling his dark hair. It was unnerving at times how still the angel could be when he wanted. Cas was back."I came back to get my coat. I feel strange without it. Almost naked. I-" It was then Cas finally moved, slightly cocking his head to one side, brow furrowing as his eyes roamed over the empty parking spot where the Impala had been parked earlier. "Where's Dean?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam's mouth went dry. This was like a scene out of a freakin' movie. Actually, if he hadn't personally been there when Chuck lost his powers, he would have sworn this was something straight out of one of his shitty ass novels. But no. This was his reality now, and he was cornered. There was no covering for his brother now. No escape from hurting the best friend he and Dean ever had. The next time he saw Dean, he was going to string him up by his balls. Nervously, Sam ran a hand through his thick hair, eyes darting to take in all of his surroundings except for the questioning angel in his midst. "I-ummm-I-"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas frowned. "Were you two at a bar?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"There was no point in lying. Cas would be able to see right through him. Even though it was one of the hardest things he ever had to do, Sam forced himself to meet Cas' eyes. From the expression on the angel's face, he already knew the answer to the question he posed. He was just waiting for Sam to confirm it. Sam nodded. "Yeah."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Where is he, Sam?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I-I dunno." That much was true. Dean didn't tell him where he was going. He just outright disappeared without saying a damn thing. Oh, Sam had a pretty good idea emwho/em his brother was with but he hadn't the slightest idea emwhere/em he currently was./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas narrowed his eyes as he advanced on him. "Sam." His voice was a low snarl now. Sam didn't know Cas' voice could get any lower than it was when he normally spoke but here he was sounding like a damn grizzly bear. "Where is Dean?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam often forgot how intimidating Cas could be until he was forced into sticky situations like this. After their first meeting, Dean had described Cas to him as a holy tax accountant but the man in the white button down shirt and blue tie standing before him tonight was carrying himself like a solider on the battlefield ready to go to war. He was a heavenly warrior. The taste of ozone was on Sam's tongue as if he was on the verge of getting struck by lightning. Sam's white flag was immediately flown, hands going up. "I-I honesty don't know. He was doing shots with some woman, and I went to the bathroom, and when I came back out, he was gone."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"At the confirmation of his brother's whereabouts, Cas' stoic facade crumpled, and he immediately gave Sam his back trying but failing to hide his pain. He knew there was nothing he could do or say to comfort his friend now. His mouth no longer tasted like the night sky but bile as what he ate earlier tried to sneak back up his throat. Helplessly, Sam watched as the once confident Castiel's shoulders sagged. Guilt threatened to choke him, making it hard for him to speak. "Cas, I don't know for sure what happened. Maybe he just went for a drive."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""We both know what happened. He made his choice. Goodbye, Sam."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Cas, wait-" Announcing his departure with a flap of wings, Cas vanished, and completely and utterly defeated, Sam slunk into the motel room to wait for Dean./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"A muffled yell roused Sam from his sleep just as he was finally drifting off. An angry yell. Dean's yell. emDean./em Heart in his throat, pulsing racing as if he had run a marathon, Sam shot up straight, swinging his long legs over the side of his bed as he found his feet. He couldn't count the number of times he woke up this exact way. After all, being a Winchester meant always expecting danger. As if on reflex, his hand was closing around his gun before it even registered in his sleep-deprived brain, ready to go save Dean's ass from whatever shit his older brother had gotten himself into while he was desperately trying to recharge his own batteries. Dean's next shouted words froze him in place./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Get the fuck out, Cas!"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam's finger loosened on the trigger, gun falling from his shaking hand to land on the unmade bed as he found himself inevitably drawn toward the door. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes as they slowly adjusted to the dark room around him, his mind seemed to be finally catching up with the rest of his body. emCas? No way. /emCas was back from the Empty? He couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face at the revelation that his and Dean's best friend was back. Trying to bring back Cas had been months and months of research with no answers. Nada. Zilch. Zip. He never gave up trying to find a way to get Cas back. On the other hand after about a week of coming up with nothing, Dean forked off down a dark path of his own, drinking nonstop and refusing to get out of bed unless he was dragged along on a hunt. That's why they were here now. To get Dean the hell out of his room and get him some fresh air for once. Sam didn't know how long things could go on the way they were./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"But now, now Cas was back. There was light at the end of the tunnel. That thought was short lived when he remembered Dean yelling at Cas to leave. Frowning, Sam crinkled his brows in confusion. And wait, now fully awake, the wheels in his head were starting to make traction and turn, trying desperately to connect the dots. Why the hell was Dean next door and not in the room with him? What the hell was going on? Stepping out into the night, Sam paused only for a split second to take in the fact it was no longer raining like it had been the past two days before opening the door to the neighboring room to confront his brother. Instead of a friendly hello, he was greeted by a fist rushing at his face./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"And that was how Sam found himself in this current predicament, sitting at an unstable wobbly wooden table in a smoke-filled dive bar at almost midnight with his extremely agitated older brother. Even though it was late and a Thursday, the small bar was full of other people milling about, talking and laughing with each other. At least the atmosphere wasn't dreary. Sam didn't think he could take anymore of that. He waited until Dean sat down across from him, beer clutched in each hand before shooting him a glance that he hoped conveyed everything he wanted to say without opening his mouth. emCome on, Dean. Start talking./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean shot him a look back. Of course he didn't get it. He never did. If he did get it, he was pretending like he didn't but he wasn't going to get out of this that easily. "What?" His brother slid one of the beers toward him before popping his open. "Why are you looking at me like I just ran over your puppy?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Even though he really wasn't in the mood to drink, Sam accepted the offering. At least holding onto the bottle gave his hands something to do besides flail around aimlessly while he tried to get Dean to actually open up. "So are we going to talk about it or?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Talk about what?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam watched Dean's Adam's apple bob as he threw back his beer and chugged. So it was going to be one of those nights. Great. This was going to be so much fun. "Cas."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Setting his beer down with a thump, Dean narrowed his eyes into tiny slits. The defensive walls were already going up. "What about Cas?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Before he could stop it, a laugh of disbelief escaped from between Sam's closed lips. His brother was being absolutely ridiculous. Him trying to deflect was not going to work. Not this time. "Seriously? Cas has been gone for a long time. You never thought you were going to see him again. You thought he was dead. I thought he was dead. You were an absolute train wreck while he was gone, Dean, and the second he shows up you two end up in a big fight and you kick him out? Seriously? What the hell happened?" emPlease talk to me./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"His thoughts were likely to be useless. Sam thought Dean was going to clam up and not talk like so when he finally spoke, it surprised him. "He wasn't going to come back, Sam." Dean was fidgeting with his beer bottle, refusing to meet his eyes, his fingers drumming on the glass. "He was going to just stay in heaven and let me-emus/em go on believing he was dead."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"That explanation, well that Sam had not expected. He leaned toward Dean, blinking in shock. "You mean-"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"When Dean lifted his gaze, his eyes were glassy, full of unshed tears. "When Jack rescued him from the Empty, he was in heaven all this time. Three fucking months, Sam, and not so much as a 'hi, how ya doing' or a freakin' phone call."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I'm sure he had his reasons." Even as he said the words, he knew they fell flat./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean flashed his teeth. It was his turn to bark a laugh. The tears in his eyes vanished into thin air as he downed the rest of his beer. "Yeah, he didn't give a damn about me."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam noticed how Dean didn't try to correct himself that time. He used "me" instead of "us" when talking about Cas. It was no surprise he was taking all of this personally because it was. "You know that's not true. Cas cares about you-" Sam shook his head. That wasn't the right word to describe it. His hand flew out to grab Dean's arm giving it a gentle squeeze. "No. He loves you. Cas loves you, Dean." Eyes now as wide as saucers stared at Sam as if he sucker punched Dean in the gut. His brother honestly didn't remember telling him what happened the day Cas was taken. "Maybe you don't remember. You were drunk, drunker than I've ever seen you before and that's saying a lot." He was rewarded with a familiar annoyed scowl from Dean that told him to watch what he said next. "When you refused to answer my calls, I found you in the dungeon the day Cas was taken. You were inconsolable. You wouldn't let me comfort you. You said you deserved to suffer after what happened. You said Cas told you he loved you-" This was it. This was the part he knew Dean was going to react badly to hearing. His older brother never wanted to talk about his feelings. "You told me your life wasn't worth living without him in it, and I had to convince you not to follow behind him. You admitted to me you were in love with him."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Dean's eyes hardened, his jaw firmly set as he tried not to show any emotion. He was closing himself off like he always did. Sam was losing him. Dean cleared his throat. "I need something harder than beer." As his brother was getting up, Sam's hand flew out to grab his wrist, preventing him from leaving. The expression on Dean's face was almost scary enough to get him to release him. Almost. But he held on. He needed to hold on and get all of this out before Dean found a way to change the subject. "Let go, Sam."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""No. No, Dean. You need to hear this."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Sam, I swear to God if you don't let me go right now I will lay you out on your ass. I need a drink. Hell, I need ten drinks."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I don't want you to do something you will regret. Dammit, Dean. It hurts me to see you acting like this. You refused to let me wash the jacket with Cas' freakin' bloody hand print on it, and I found you sleeping with it at night. Why can't you just let yourself feel without torturing yourself? You love Cas. He loves you. You both deserve to be happy. emYou/em deserve to be happy."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"There was a blazing fire ignited behind Dean's hazel green eyes. Sam was almost one-hundred percent sure he had never seen him this pissed off before. Talking openly about the feelings Dean had for Cas did not only toe the line, it crossed over it completely. "Let. Me. Go. Now." There was a clear warning in his tone. When he got the chance, Dean was going to knock him the fuck out. And even if that was the case, he was glad he said what he said. A black eye and bruised jaw was worth having his brother hear those words. Maybe if he heard them enough, he would actually start to believe them./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Having said what he needed to say, he released his grip on Dean's wrist. Dean managed to pull himself together enough to not uppercut him in front of the table of curious women next to them who were clearly drawn into a conversation that did not concern them. "You want anything?" Dean's voice was neutral for having been seconds away from beating him within an inch of his life./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam shook his head. He didn't know if it was him refusing the drink or reacting to the way his brother was acting. He watched Dean walk toward the bar. As Dean leaned over the counter and tried to get the attention of the bartender who was chatting it up with a group of very intoxicated women, Sam took out his phone to keep himself busy. After all, he was awake against his will so he may as well catch up on a few things. He opened the camera roll and grinned as he scrolled through the silly selfies he had taken of himself with Eileen. Before he knew Cas was back, he felt guilty of the fact he was happy and his older brother was miserable. But now the remorse slipped away. Dean had another chance with Cas. He actually had a chance to be happy and if he fucked it up, it was nobody's fault but his own. Fifteen minutes had come and gone without him even realizing it. When he raised his head to see what was keeping Dean with the drinks, the smile he had gotten from reading his earlier text exchange with Eileen vanished./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Standing next to Dean and leaning into his side was a tall, attractive, ebony haired woman dressed in a tight black mini skirt that barely covered her ass and left little to the imagination. Her shoes were absolutely crazy. How a girl could balance in four inch heels and not break her ankles still blew his mind. The light blue crop top she was wearing exposed the golden skin of her flat stomach as she threw back a shot and fluttered her eyelashes at Dean. Dean laughed and followed her lead, taking a shot of his own before flashing her his signature smile. He followed it with another shot and then another. Sam's eyes widened. When he realized there was an entire line of full shot glasses set up in front of his brother and mystery woman, he leapt to his feet. Jesus. If he didn't stop him, Dean was on a one way street to black out central. "Dean, whoa."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Instead of being annoyed or angry his brother was interfering, Dean was in a much better mood. Probably a combination of the hard liquor and beautiful woman who touching him and eyeing him like he was a hunk of meat. "Sammy, boy! Take a shot with me." Dean's arm snaked around Sam's shoulders, pulling him closer. His breath reeked of alcohol. Shit. How much did he manage to drink while he wasn't paying attention? It was easy to lose track of time when thinking about Eileen. "This-this is my brother Sammy."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam glowered at the use of his nickname in front of a strange woman. Only Dean could call him that. "Sam. My name's Sam."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Sammy, this is-" Dean snickered turning to face his new acquaintance. He tried and failed to balance his chin on his elbow. "Shit-what's your name again?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"The woman wasn't put off by Dean's antics. Her sky blue eyes sparkled with delight as she tossed her curly dark hair over a shoulder. "Is your brother always this classy, Sam? Name's Dion. You two in town long?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Nah. Just passing through. Although I could be convinced to stay a little longer if you know what I mean." Dean suggestively waggled his eyebrows at Dion. Normally, Sam would have brushed off his behavior because it was just what Dean did. Dean was a known womanizer. Always had been. But this time, he couldn't stop the irritation and out right anger that welled up in his belly at the thought of Dean going home with some random woman./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Three months earlier, he had walked in on Dean just before the asshole killed himself and now instead of working things out with Cas, here he was getting shitfaced and reverting back to his old ways. Once Dion popped the cherry from her fruity drink into her mouth, removed the now tied stem to show Dean and he gaped at her, Sam couldn't stand to watch anymore. Goddammit. Why did Dean always do this to himself? Letting out a growl, Sam stormed away from the counter, leaving Dean drooling over Dion's tongue tricks./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Where you goin'?" Dean called after him./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Oh, so he had noticed he was gone. With the way Dean was drooling, Sam wouldn't have been surprised if the building collapsed around them and he wouldn't have detected a thing. "Bathroom," Sam snapped in annoyance, not stopping to turn back to his older, emotionally constipated brother. He couldn't stand seeing what Dean was doing to himself. What he was doing to Cas. He took his frustration out on the bathroom door, flinging it wide open as he stomped inside. It was dim in the adjoining room. The fluorescent light above was flickering on and off, one of the taps was dripping in an almost steady stream. Dirty tiles were broken and coming off the wall. The floor was sopping wet as if a shaggy dog had shook off inside. The one stall in the corner no longer had a door./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Grumbling and mumbling curse words under his breath, Sam situated himself at a urinal he wouldn't be caught dead using under normal circumstances. He was going to need a Tetanus shot after being in this place. As he was lowering his zipper, his eyes fell on a strange splatter on the wall in front of him. Was that blood and wait, what the hell was that? He zipped his pants back up. Nope. Not going to happen. He was going to have to pee outside, which meant walking past his brother who was quickly on his way to hooking up with that woman. emDean.../em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"emSeeing the destroyed door and scared out of his mind for his brother's safety, Sam practically threw himself into the dungeon. The harsh words he was about to throw at Dean for not answering his damn phone died on his lips as he took in his current state. Dean was huddled against the wall. His head was buried in his knees as sobs that seemed too big for his body overtook him. There was an empty bottle of liquor clutched in his right hand. For someone who was larger than life, Dean Winchester currently seemed so small. Small and broken. Destroyed. It made his stomach hurt./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em "Dean? Dean, what the hell happened?"/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Dean lifted his head and Sam's chest tightened at the agony reflected on his brother's face. Those green eyes were swimming with tears, and Dean didn't cry especially not like this. Sam could count the number of times he saw his brother cry. This was bad. What he told him next was going to be so so very bad. Dean's words only confirmed his fears. "It's Cas. He's gone."/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em "What?" No. No, it couldn't be. "What do you mean he's gone?"/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em "Billie was coming for me." Dean stopped retelling his tale as he raised the now empty liquor bottle to his lips. When he realized there was nothing left, he let it fall from his hand. The glass bottle clattered across the floor to stop at Sam's feet. Sam watched as Dean's head fell back against the wall with a loud smack, his eyes becoming fixed on the ceiling. Sam could see the tears of despair that streaked his cheeks, noticed the bloodied hand print on the shoulder of Dean's jacket. Cas' hand print. "She was going to kill me but he-he sacrificed himself to save me. Cas is gone, Sam. The Empty took him. It's my fault. It's all my fault."/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em It was then Sam noticed the gun. It had been stowed in Dean's jacket but now it was in Dean's shaking hand. Sam felt the floor fall out from under him. His throat closed up, making it difficult to speak. "Dean." Sam was talking to him like he was a spooked animal. "Dean, put down the gun."/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em "He told me he loved me." Dean turned the gun over in his hands, his stare now transfixed on the weapon in front of him. "He told me he loved me, Sam, and you know what I said?"/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Sam remained silent, not knowing what to do or to say to even begin to ease his brother's pain. The lump in his throat was almost too big to swallow around. Slowly he inched his way toward the emotional mess of a man on the floor. He needed to get close enough to disarm him./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Dean threw his head back into the wall several times, and Sam flinched at the sound it made. "That's right. Not a damn thing. I couldn't even say it back. What is wrong with me? Why the hell didn't I just say it back? I love him, Sam. God, I'm in love him and now he's gone and I can't do it. I just can't do it. I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry."/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Without a single thought as Dean raised the gun to press it against the side of his head, Sam sprang into action. He was on his brother in an instant, knocking the gun out of his trembling hand. It skittered across the floor to end up next to the abandoned liquor bottle. Sam's long arms wound protectively around his smaller but older brother, pulling him into a bone-crushing embrace. Dean didn't struggle or put up a fight. He merely dropped his head into Sam's shoulder in defeat and buried his snotty nose into his shirt. All Sam could do was hold him as he sobbed and apologized over and over. What the hell could he possibly say to make this okay? Things would never be okay again./em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Obnoxiously loud rock music poured into the bathroom breaking Sam's trance, forcing him back into the present as a drunken older man stumbled his way inside. A Led Zeppelin song was on, and he wondered if Dean had been the one to find the jukebox. Staring into the cracked mirror at his own reflection, Sam made up his mind. He could not let Dean sabotage the most meaningful relationship he had in his life. Hell, if he was left with two black eyes and a broken nose that was fine but Dean was coming back to the motel with him./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"span style="font-style: normal;" He strode out of the restroom with new purpose, he was going to save his brother from himself even if it killed him. There was a small group of women that seemed to be with a bachelorette party giggling and mingling in the last place he saw Dean but his brother-his brother was nowhere to be found. The empty shot glasses were still flipped upside down on the bar, now abandoned. Quickly and almost effortlessly, Sam scanned his surroundings. Okay, so Dean wasn't at the counter. He had to be in here somewhere. He would find him. He always found him. His next stop was the pool tables but he wasn't there either. Well, since he couldn't find his brother, maybe he could find that woman and confirm she was still around. When he could not locate either of them, his stomach dropped out. Heart hammering in his chest, he sprinted toward the exit. /spanemNo. No. No. He didn't. I didn't leave him alone that long./emspan style="font-style: normal;" With the force of a /spanspan style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"span style="font-style: normal;"span style="font-weight: normal;"t/span/span/spanspan style="color: #001e2e;"span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"span style="font-size: medium;"span style="font-style: normal;"span style="font-weight: normal;"sunami/span/span/span/span/spanspan style="font-style: normal;" slamming into shore, he exploded outside, knocking into a much larger man who was on his way in, practically knocking them both onto their asses./span/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Hey, asshole! Watch it!" the man who was the size of a small silver back gorilla spat at him. But Sam didn't notice. The only thing he noticed was the fact Dean's Impala was gone. "Shit!"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;" /p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Pick up, Dean. Pick up the damn phone." Sam was now sitting in the back of an Uber, calling and texting his brother repeatedly like a crazed psycho stalker ex. His call went straight to voicemail but even that being the case, he still followed up ten more times in rapid succession. He left one message. "Dean. Dean, listen to me. Do not do this. Don't. Just call me back. Now. emPlease./em" As soon as he hung up, he opened up his text messages and started to type vigorously./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"emDEAN /em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Dean, come on/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Dean, please don't do this/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Don't do this to yourself/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em Don't do this to Cas/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"em DEAN ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!/em/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"A man clearing his throat made him stop his typing tirade. "We're here."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"When Sam lifted his intense gaze from the phone, he met the impatient eyes of the driver who was clearly waiting for him vacate the vehicle ASAP. "Sorry!" Offering the man a sheepish grin, Sam slid out of his seat, exiting into the motel's darkened parking lot. As soon as the door was shut behind him, the car pealed out in a squeal of tires on asphalt, leaving skid marks before disappearing around the corner. Sam was alone. He was alone when he should be with his brother. His dumbass older brother who was currently on a path that would likely destroy the relationship he had with Cas. Maybe, just maybe, he could track Dean's phone and find his ass before he did anything he couldn't take back. Maybe he could hack into the traffic cameras and find him that way. Maybe he could but most likely not in time. No. There was no stopping Dean now. All he could do was go back to his room and wait for tomorrow morning when Dean would roll in, the stale stench of alcohol and morning after regret wafting from his wrinkled clothes and messed up hair. Letting out an exaggerated sigh, Sam stuck the key in the door./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Sam?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Hearing Cas' voice coming from directly behind him caused Sam to almost drop his phone. He spun around. And there he was standing as still as a statue. The only movement was the wind ruffling his dark hair. It was unnerving at times how still the angel could be when he wanted. Cas was back."I came back to get my coat. I feel strange without it. Almost naked. I-" It was then Cas finally moved, slightly cocking his head to one side, brow furrowing as his eyes roamed over the empty parking spot where the Impala had been parked earlier. "Where's Dean?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam's mouth went dry. This was like a scene out of a freakin' movie. Actually, if he hadn't personally been there when Chuck lost his powers, he would have sworn this was something straight out of one of his shitty ass novels. But no. This was his reality now, and he was cornered. There was no covering for his brother now. No escape from hurting the best friend he and Dean ever had. The next time he saw Dean, he was going to string him up by his balls. Nervously, Sam ran a hand through his thick hair, eyes darting to take in all of his surroundings except for the questioning angel in his midst. "I-ummm-I-"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas frowned. "Were you two at a bar?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"There was no point in lying. Cas would be able to see right through him. Even though it was one of the hardest things he ever had to do, Sam forced himself to meet Cas' eyes. From the expression on the angel's face, he already knew the answer to the question he posed. He was just waiting for Sam to confirm it. Sam nodded. "Yeah."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Where is he, Sam?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""I-I dunno." That much was true. Dean didn't tell him where he was going. He just outright disappeared without saying a damn thing. Oh, Sam had a pretty good idea emwho/em his brother was with but he hadn't the slightest idea emwhere/em he currently was./p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Cas narrowed his eyes as he advanced on him. "Sam." His voice was a low snarl now. Sam didn't know Cas' voice could get any lower than it was when he normally spoke but here he was sounding like a damn grizzly bear. "Where is Dean?"/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"Sam often forgot how intimidating Cas could be until he was forced into sticky situations like this. After their first meeting, Dean had described Cas to him as a holy tax accountant but the man in the white button down shirt and blue tie standing before him tonight was carrying himself like a solider on the battlefield ready to go to war. He was a heavenly warrior. The taste of ozone was on Sam's tongue as if he was on the verge of getting struck by lightning. Sam's white flag was immediately flown, hands going up. "I-I honesty don't know. He was doing shots with some woman, and I went to the bathroom, and when I came back out, he was gone."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;"At the confirmation of his brother's whereabouts, Cas' stoic facade crumpled, and he immediately gave Sam his back trying but failing to hide his pain. He knew there was nothing he could do or say to comfort his friend now. His mouth no longer tasted like the night sky but bile as what he ate earlier tried to sneak back up his throat. Helplessly, Sam watched as the once confident Castiel's shoulders sagged. Guilt threatened to choke him, making it hard for him to speak. "Cas, I don't know for sure what happened. Maybe he just went for a drive."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""We both know what happened. He made his choice. Goodbye, Sam."/p
p style="margin-bottom: 0in; font-style: normal;""Cas, wait-" Announcing his departure with a flap of wings, Cas vanished, and completely and utterly defeated, Sam slunk into the motel room to wait for Dean./p