This fic is also published on AO3. Please see that version if you would like to see Author's notes and images at the end of each chapter.
Jay is trapped underwater in his sub car. "Zane, Cole? I've got a bad leak and no control.." The power cuts out before Jay gets a response. Did the message get through? Is anybody coming for him? The leak is getting worse, water is now clinging to his ankles, and slowly climbing. Cold and wet. "Looks like I'm taking a swim." He says bracing for the cold water as he hits the eject button for the canopy, there are some sparks, but it does not open. "What, no! Come on!" He tries again, pounding on the button to no avail, water continuing to creep up his legs. Cold and wet. "Think, what would Zane do, no, what would Kai do?" He kicks at the inside of the canopy, hoping to release the seal, or at least shatter the windshield. His panic rises with the cold wet water climbing up his chest. He scans the dark depths looking for any sign of his friends. Maybe I can't kick it open because of the pressure difference, once the cockpit is full, there won't be a pressure difference, so it should open. That thought is the only shred of hope he had left, and he clings to it as the water continues to rise. He takes one big final gasp of air as the water climbs up past his face. He kicks again with as much force as he can muster, but it still won't open. The small hope vanishes and is replaced by despair, Why isn't it working? I'm not Zane, I can't hold my breath for hours! I'm going to die.. I can't believe this is how I'm going to die.. His lungs scream at him wanting more air, wanting him to breathe. Why can't I breathe?
Jay wakes from the dream with a gasp, he wasn't getting enough air. He lays in his bed for a moment taking big ragged breaths, remembering that he wasn't in fact stuck in a sub car at the bottom of the ocean. No, he was back at the monastery, and the reason he couldn't breathe was because he was having an asthma attack. Again. He rolls over and rummages around the items on the top of his dresser, looking for his inhaler, knocking some things to the ground. Where was it? He opens up the top drawer and sees it sitting there with the bright blue cap. He takes it, shakes it up and takes a puff. He then waits for a minute to see if that is enough. He finds a comfortable position sitting up against the bed head and tries to force himself to take big deep breaths. It's ok, you're ok, you're not drowning. The weight on his chest starts to ease, and his breathing starts to get a bit better, but he decides to take one more puff to be sure. See, you're ok, you can breathe.
There is a gentle knock at the door. "Jay?" comes Cole's whisper.
"Yeah.." says Jay without enthusiasm, knowing Cole won't leave without checking on him. The door slides open revealing the black ninja in his PJs. Old holey sweatpants, and a white singlet top. "You ok? I heard something fall." His eyes stick to the inhaler in Jay's hand.
Jay hated this. Hated looking weak. Hated feeling weak. Hated his friends looking at him like some wounded deer. He wanted to say 'I'm fine, go away.' like he had last time, and the time before that, but instead he admits defeat and says "No. I'm not ok."
Cole nods, closing the door and makes his way over to Jay's bed, climbing in and sitting right beside him. "You seem to be breathing ok?"
"Yeah, for now." agrees Jay, putting the cap back on his inhaler and setting it on top of the bedside table.
"Nightmare?" asks Cole.
"Yeah." Cole had been with him at the hospital the first time, and knew his attacks could be brought on by stress or panic.
"Want to talk about it?" Cole's voice is calm, with no trace of bitterness at being woken in the middle of the night.
"Not really." says Jay, then sighs and adds, "Drowning has gotta be one of the stupidest ways to die, like I can't imagine a worse way to go!"
"Hmm, what about, thrown into a volcano?" asks Cole playfully.
"Nope, at least that would be quick."
"Eaten by spiders?"
"I could fight them off."
"Struck by lighting?"
"Ha! I don't have to worry about that."
"Guess you're right then, drowning sucks. So it's a good thing you didn't drown."
They sit in silence for a bit.
"What if I can't be a ninja anymore?" asks Jay quietly.
Cole frowns, "Why would you think that?"
"I can't even sleep right without having an asthma attack, how am I going to be able to fight?"
Cole blinks in surprise, that is the first time Jay had admitted that he was actually having asthma attacks.
"It's only been a week. We'll figure this out. Grief doesn't stay this intense forever. Maybe when things are more stable, this breathing thing will start getting better too."
Tears start welling in Jay's eyes. "I miss her so much, but it's like I'm not even allowed to think about her.. In case I stop breathing." He feels a tightness start to rise in his chest. Like that cold rising water. Cole wraps an arm around his shoulder, pulling him out of his thoughts.
"You're always allowed to think of her," he says firmly. "Breathing be damned."
Jay chuckles slightly, "Says the person who never stopped breathing."