A/N: this is a song fic based on the song My Immortal by Evanescence. I don't own the characters and I'm happy Janet Evanovich allows us to play with them.
I'm staring at a photograph on my desk. The woman and man in the picture are obviously in love. Anyone with eyes can see the love in their eyes and coy smiles. I'm so tired of being here. I have to get away. It doesn't seem to matter. Everywhere I go, I see reminders. I shove the picture in the bottom drawer, locking it away from view. Stephanie and I look happy in the photo despite her car burning in the background. I can't handle the pain. It's too real.
The years I wasted suppressing my childish fears. I never thought I was enough. Now, I'll never know. My heart broke when Stephanie accepted Joe Morelli's proposal, thinking mine wasn't genuine. I held her hand through all of these years. Stephanie still has all of me.
She had to leave, and I wish she would just leave. There's too much history between us for time to erase. The memories won't disappear. Her presence still lingers, and it won't leave me alone. I want the wounds to heal. I longed to hear her voice, which drove away my sanity, yet it calmed my soul.
Stephanie used to captivate me with her resonating light, bound by the life she left behind. "Papa, are you okay?" Michelle asks. She resembles her mother more every day. Stephanie's face haunts every dream. Michelle climbs into my lap and wipes my tears.
"I'm okay, princess. I was thinking about your mother," I reply.
"Can you tell me the story?" Michelle asks. She always wants to hear the story about how I met her mother.
I start at the beginning. "One day, when I lived in Trenton," I say.
"Is that where Mama lived?" she interrupts, making me smile.
"Yes, mi hija. It's where I met your Mama. I moved to Trenton to open another Rangeman branch with my friends. We already had this one and another in Atlanta, which is the first one we opened. But the Atlanta branch was spending money faster than I could make it. Nico, who managed the office, kept breaking contracts by firing the men I hired to work there. Anyway, that isn't really part of the story of how I met your Mama. It's part of the story where your Mama risked her life to save your sister, Julie," I reply.
"Can you tell me that one, too?" Michelle begs. Her blue eyes stare into mine as she gives me those puppy dog eyes, guaranteeing I will give her anything she wants, just like I would for her mother.
I continue my story, "While I was meeting with a potential client, my phone rang. It was Connie from Vincent Plum Bonds. I didn't want to answer but owed her a favour."
"What's a favour?" Michelle asks. I laugh at her innocent question.
"It's when you promise to help someone if they do something for you," I reply.
Of course, this entices Michelle to ask another question, "What did Connie do?"
Smiling, I answer, "She got Vinnie to hire me as a BEA. That's a Bond Enforcement Agent. I would capture the men and women who forget to show up for court. We call those people FTAs because they failed to appear. When that happens, Connie sends me a message, letting me know she has people for me to bring back to the courts."
"Wow. Is that when you met Mama?" Michelle asks. Her eyes are wide in awe and excitement. I kiss her curls, which are reminiscent of Stephanie's hair. Michelle's hair and skin tone are slightly darker than Stephanie's and closer to mine.
"Connie has everything to do with your Mama meeting me," I laugh despite wanting to cry. "I answered the phone, and Connie asked me to train the new BEA and give them tips on how to do the job. It was an inconvenience, but I did owe Connie a favour, and she promised I could repay my debt by showing the new BEA the ropes."
"And then you met Mama?" Michelle excitedly asks. I smile at my gorgeous daughter and nod.
"I saw an ugly brown Nova park at the curb and watched a gorgeous brunette with wildly curly hair barely contained in an elastic. With the humidity, her hair stuck out in all directions. I smiled and watched until she disappeared. Less than a minute later, she entered the deli. She smoothed her wrinkled skirt and tripped over her shoes as she looked around. I caught her eye and couldn't breathe. Your mother is the most attractive woman I have ever met. Her inner beauty shines through like the stars in the night sky. Her eyes, which are the same colour as yours, show her emotions like amusement and fury. I could always read her. The attraction on her part was evident, but she never acted on it, keeping our meeting professional, which I found refreshing. Your mother remained professional during all of our interactions. I loaned her cars when hers stopped running or if someone firebombed it," I explain.
"And Mama never got hurt?" Michelle wonders.
I refuse to lie to my daughter. "A few times, the flames singed her hair, or she got cut from pieces of metal, but nothing life-threatening," I reply,
Michelle asks the question I hoped she wouldn't. "Why did Mama have to get hurt when I was a baby?"
"Because the man was jealous that your mama and I got married and were expecting you," I say. I don't know how Morelli found our house. He must have hired a private investigator who didn't care if they crossed my path. I'm still looking for the man. He seems to have vanished. Ram, Binkie and Hector are searching every private investigation company in Trenton, Pennsylvania and New York. I don't know how Morelli could afford to pay the man. Maybe Morelli used Salvatore Sunucchi's connections to follow Stephanie or me to our home. Perhaps someone else gave Morelli the information. I suspect Helen, but I'll have to find a way to ask Frank without her knowledge. Helen is furious and blames me for Stephanie's current situation.
"Papa, where did you go?" Michelle asks, grabbing my cheeks to turn my head. She squirms until her knees dig into my thighs. I instinctively wrap my arms around her tiny waist and hug her. She pushes away and kisses my forehead.
"Do you still want to hear the story?"
Michelle nods, and I help her sit on my lap. She rests her head against my chest, letting her hair tickle my chin. "Okay, Papa. I'm ready," Michelle sighs. My little girl is growing up too fast. She's almost four and shares her birthday with Stephanie, which is a constant reminder of the day Joe Morelli shot her. It's a shame Stephanie's guards killed Morelli before we could get any answers.
I gently squeeze her while I try to get my emotions in check. It's hard to be strong when I'm feeling so alone. My daughters live with me, but I miss Stephanie more than ever. All I can do is hold Michelle's hand as I had done for Stephanie and embrace her when she cries.
"Every time your Mama's name got mentioned on the police radio, my heart pounded in my chest, and I had to make sure she was okay. At first, I would arrive and lean against my car, waiting for her to notice I was there," I say with a chuckle. Michelle looks at me and raises a brow, something I know would frustrate Stephanie. "Yes, princess, your Mama knew whenever I was near. She would rub the back of her neck and look around until our eyes met. After a few months of arriving at the scene, one time, her hair got singed, and she had small pieces of metal in her arm. I saw tears in her eyes and gently tugged her into my arms. She silently cried, dampening my shirt with her tears. I held her until she looked at me. I wiped away all of her tears. She trusted me to keep her safe while she broke down. I have never loved her more. Your Mama is a resilient woman."
"What does that mean, Papa?" Michelle asks.
"It means nothing kept your Mama from doing her job. I know situations scared her, but she always pushed past the fear and faced it head-on. She refused to train until we got married. After three months, she could flip Tio Lester over her shoulder," I explain. Michelle's eyes are wide.
"Why didn't you and Mama get married sooner?" Michelle asks. I don't know how to answer, but I must be honest.
"I worked for the Army and had a contract until I asked your Mama to marry me. Until I finished my indenture, which meant I had to wait for the Army to release me from service. I wish things could be different, and you got to spend time with your Mama," I whisper. Tears run down my face as I try to explain the regret for not making Stephanie my wife many years earlier.
Michelle narrows her eyes and asks, "Tio Lester said you jumped off a bridge to save Mama. Did you, Papa?"
I smile lovingly at Michelle as the memory floods my mind. "One of your Mama's FTAs tied a large brick to her feet and threw her over a bridge. It was a forty-foot drop into the cold, dark water. I didn't think about my safety. All I wanted to do was rescue your Mama," I reply. I pause to fight back the sobs threatening to overtake me.
Michelle patiently waits. It's one of the traits she inherited from me. I swallow the vomit before it reaches my mouth. "When the rope unravelled at her ankle, and she fell, I didn't think about the danger and dove after her. I'm amazed your Mama didn't break any bones. I knew how to dive without hurting myself and felt relieved when I pulled your Mama from the water, cold, shaking, but unharmed."
"Did you love Mama more?"
I kiss Michelle's curls. "Of course I did. She didn't cry, but she did scream when she started falling. Your Mama was angry and ready to capture her FTA and make him pay for throwing her over the bridge," I chuckle. Reminiscing is equal parts therapeutic and devastating. Stephanie still has all of me. I don't know how I will continue to live when she's gone.
After checking my watch, I say, "We have another thirty minutes before seeing your Mama."
"To say goodbye?" Michelle asks, which breaks my heart. I know these wounds won't heal. If only Stephanie would scream so I could fight away her fears. I'll have to settle for doing these things for Michelle. Our daughter needs me.
"Yes, princess. Today, we have to say goodbye," I reply, letting the tears drip from my jaw into Michelle's hair. She wraps her arms around my neck and cries for the mother she never got to meet.
We remain there until my watch alarm sounds. Michelle knows it's time to leave. "Where's your sister?"
Michelle rolls her eyes, reminding me of her mother, and I feel the sorrow building inside of me. Though a part of her remains with me, I feel alone. "I get her," Michelle replies.
She returns a few minutes later. Julie drops a stack of files on my desk. "Papa, it's time to say goodbye," Julie whispers. She knows how hard it's been for her father to get over losing Stephanie. I see the worry in Julie's eyes. She's afraid I'll lose grip on my sanity.
I gently lift Julie's face to look into my eyes, "Today will be hard on all of us. We must keep her memory alive for your sister."
"Yes, Papa. Tio Hector is compiling a video and a digital picture album for Michelle," Julie replies. I kiss my oldest daughter's forehead before picking up Michelle.
As a unit, we leave the confines of our Rangeman apartment and take the elevator to the ground floor. We find a wall of men in black. There isn't a dry eye in the parking garage. The men salute as I walk past them to my car. I place Michelle in her car seat in the back, and Julie climbs beside her. Tank, Bobby and Hector get into the car to come with us. I sit in the front passenger seat, letting Tank drive. I'm not in the proper headspace to drive to the long-term care facility.
The trip doesn't take long. I hear Julie sniffling in the back. Michelle does her best to make Julie laugh. Hector speaks softly to Julie, telling her this is for the best. It will help everyone move on.
"Did we ever find out why he did it?" Julie asks, speaking Spanish too fast for Michelle to comprehend.
"I spoke to Frank, Stephanie's father. Frank said Morelli asked Helen where Stephanie was living. Helen gave him the address in Miami. Morelli drove to Miami with a plan to take Stephanie away from your father. I don't know what happened, but we think Morelli noticed Stephanie was pregnant with Michelle when she exited the vehicle, and something inside his mind snapped. He fired once. Binkie and Ram returned fire, killing Morelli," Hector replies.
"But she was getting better. What happened?" Julie cries.
Bobby explains, "A clot formed in her arm and travelled to her brain. It caused a stroke, and the damage was too extensive and irreversible. The machines are keeping her alive. She has no brain activity."
Julie holds Michelle's hand as she cries. Michelle doesn't understand, but like her Mama, she starts crying because her sister is.
Once Tank parks at the facility, he turns off the ignition and helps by removing Michelle from her seat. Michelle buries her face in Tank's neck as he rubs her back. Julie came to me, and I felt her warm hand slip into mine. Unwilling to be without my youngest daughter, I motion for Tank to pass me Michelle. She willingly wraps her arms around my neck. It's too tight, but I can't find my voice to ask her to loosen the grip. Michelle relaxes her grip as we enter the facility, allowing me to breathe.
We go to the room and let Hector, Bobby and Tank say their goodbyes before asking the doctor to disconnect the ventilator. It isn't how I want my daughters to remember Stephanie, but they need to keep me from losing my sanity. The girls are my lifeline to this world.
The doctor has me sign the paperwork and prepares to turn off the machines. He removes the IV and feeding tube. Being inside the room is suffocating. Michelle kisses her Mama and says, "I love you." I'm barely holding myself together. The others realize I'm struggling and enter the room. Hector takes Michelle from the room, unwilling to let her witness the end of Mama's life. Julie hangs onto Tank while Bobby keeps a close eye on me. I lay in the bed beside my wife.
"You have all of me," I whisper as the doctor turns off the machines. The heart monitor beeps a few times before it flatlines. I cry as the doctor silences it. My heart breaks as my wife dies.
I'm not sure how I get back to Rangeman. We have a memorial service to honour my wife, who we cremated as she requested. Stephanie didn't want a funeral or visitation.
Sombre music plays in the background. I barely hear the songs and lyrics until My Immortal by Evanescence plays over the speakers. The song perfectly describes how I feel about Stephanie.
How am I supposed to live without my Babe?
Michelle sees me crying and comes to me. I pick her up and hold her tightly. Julie wraps her arms around my waist and tucks her head below my arm. I have my daughters and need to be strong for them.