Swiftheart had been wrong… about a lot of things, but mostly about the feeling of watching Firestar getting eaten by Squirrel being completely unchallengeably the worst one he would ever have. It was still awful, reverberating through him along with images of that horrific scene whenever he closed his eyes or tried and mostly failed to sleep despite Squirrelstar's comforting presence beside him, but the feeling of having to assign patrols… especially dawn patrols, with the cats' sullen, tired, even angrier at him than usual expressions… was certainly a worthy competitor to it. This new duty of his never failed to shine a light on his Clanmates' resentment towards him, especially now that he had risen to the second highest place of honor in ThunderClan through nothing but his fraudulently forged connection with their leader… as well as how out of place he was here, how there had been an unrelenting, invisible but extremely apparent border between him and the cats who were barely his Clanmates ever since Bluestar had correctly labeled him as worse than useless to them… how the Clan always steadily kept itself going, as reliably as the seasons and the apathy of StarClan, and he as a traumatized, broken, traitorous wretch had long since been left behind…
He didn't know these cats, or, at least, he only knew them filtered through the border, which wasn't nearly enough to allow him to assign them optimally or at least acceptably to patrols given their interconnecting and contrasting strengths, weaknesses, personalities, preferences, relationships… maybe he should've been paying attention those all too frequent times Brambleclaw had rambled on to him about his duties as deputy, he had just never suspected that that might be of importance to him or anyone one day… there had admittedly probably been some good stuff in there, thanks to Hawkfrost's influence… but Swiftheart knew that he never would've been able to focus on those stupid rants of his while he was endangering Squirrelstar. …Squirrelstar, his love, the cat he deserved least in all the territories… Overwhelmed, Swiftheart exited the leader's den, the comfort he derived from the smell and feel of the nest he now miraculously shared with her no longer outweighing his guilt for being there, for being with her… He stopped in his tracks as he nearly ran into Ashfur, who practically… not even practically… snarled at him, not even bothering to put an extremely transparent veil over his disdain towards him like most of the cats of ThunderClan did. "Well, here he is himself, our grand deputy Swiftheart. Swiftheart, tell me somethin'. Why in StarClan's name was Birchpaw put on the dawn patrol and on a huntin' patrol with his warrior's assessment so close on the horizon? 'Paws need to train, don't you know that?!"
Swiftheart backed away from him slightly, getting increasingly overwhelmed as more and more cats turned their rapt attention towards them. "...I-I don't… I don't know…" Ashfur got way too close to him, so much closer than he was now used to being to any of his Clanmates besides Squirrelstar… his sneer almost resembling a mocking grin now… "She-cats don't like toms who can't even organize a day's worth of patrols properly… or is that somethin' else you don't know?" After a long moment of staring at him in horror, Swiftheart shook his head violently, digging his claws into the ground. "I-I don't know… just- just leave me alone!" He felt his hackles and voice raise; he didn't even care that what seemed like the whole Clan was watching him now. "All of ya, just leave me alone!" He couldn't even hear if he was still shouting or not over the ringing in his ears as he ran out of camp, cats… probably parting around him, his vision was as blurry as his scattered sea of thoughts, trying to drag him down to their murky depths and finish what the dogs had started. A part of Swiftheart wished that they would… or at least that they would do it either completely or not at all…
"Feed me!" …Fox dung… his paws had instinctively carried him back to Squirrel, who was apparently too good for non-cat meat now… why had he let him make a habit out of it when a perfectly good lake for dumping bodies was right there?! Brambleclaw's corpse wouldn't have even been that hard to explain given his affinity for all things dangerous and scary… if he had had to explain it at all, but noooo, he just had to go and try to do something nice for the natural enemy of cats! He was crowfood, a foxheart, a… "Spoil-box! Cut the fox dung, bring on the meat!" Furious, Swiftheart whipped around to face Squirrel. "No! No more! I can't take living with the guilt." Squirrel turned away from him slightly and sighed offendedly, as if he had anything to be offended about. "I made you. And you and Squirrelstar. You think I can't break you just as easily?!" Swiftheart barely resisted the urge to leap up and claw his stupid face. "There wouldn't even be a you without me, just… just shut up!" He ran out of the clearing, the mocking laughter of that stupid dog ringing in his ears worse than the ringing they very often produced naturally, especially these days… and then was flooded with more horror than he had experienced all day as he accidentally ran into Squirrelstar, not seeing her properly through the blurriness of his vision until they were both on the forest floor, with him… over… her… her alluring chest pressed up against his…
Swiftheart managed to jump off of her after a moment of shock. "I-I'm sorry, Squirrelstar, I'm just so sorry…" She looked at him with wide, concerned… dazzling eyes for a long moment before springing back to her paws, luckily seeming to be unharmed by his stupid klutziness. "Swiftheart! You're hysterical." He hung his head dejectedly, turning away from her. "...I know, I'm sorry…" He felt her press her head up against his throat, comforting him slightly but mostly just overwhelming him. "You really are doing a great job as deputy. It takes practice, that's why appointing a new one is such a big deal. I knew you'd have the patience to see it through, with how great you've been about supporting me and Squirrel, and you've been making it so much easier for me to adjust to being leader." Despite everything his mate had just said, the thought of asking her to leave this place with him, together… briefly crossed his mind now that her soothing presence had calmed it down enough for him to have fully… mostly coherent thoughts.
She would never go for it, not when she was so amazingly loyal to her Clan, her sister, her… late father's legacy… especially not after that whole fiasco with Leafpool and Crowfeather briefly leaving the Clans, which he had sympathized with, completely failing to understand why either of them would ever choose their Clans over having a mate in a million seasons… but the thought of being able to devote all of his time and energy, all of himself to giving her all the affection she deserved, all the nuzzles, and squirrels, and deep talks, far from the chaos and isolation of ThunderClan… well, that made an afterlife in StarClan sound downright pitiful in comparison. Unless that was also with her, of course… Swiftheart sighed, wrapping his tail around her comfortingly. "Thank you, Squirrelstar." She melted into him, melting away… most of the tension swarming around in his heart and mind. "Of course."