"Are you a cat or a fish?" teased Breezepelt with a mrrow of laughter. He and Hollyleaf were practicing their climbing skills, attempting to scale the rock wall above the widest part of the underground river. This part of the tunnels had the biggest cavern, which let them go the highest, but it also meant when Hollyleaf had slipped and fallen from her narrow perch, she had dropped right into the river.
"I got at least two tail-lengths higher than your best attempt," she meowed indignantly, pulling herself back up onto the shore and shaking the water from her pelt. Breezepelt stepped back as she sprayed him with cold water from her fur. "I'd like to see you do better without getting wet."
"Oh yeah?" he taunted. "Watch me." He had grown to quite enjoy climbing. His light build meant that he was able to balance his weight nimbly even on very small ledges, and he found the challenge of finding the best path up exciting. Hollyleaf had a better eye for picking rocks that wouldn't collapse when she stepped on them, but Breezepelt was quicker on his paws and able to shift his weight to avoid slipping more easily, so it was a pretty fair competition.
Narrowing his eyes, he examined the rock wall in front of him. He traced Hollyleaf's path with his eyes. He could definitely follow her route most of the way up, but he spotted a ledge that looked a bit more stable to the right of where she had fallen. If he put one front and one back paw on that ledge and moved quickly, he would be able to push off hard enough to reach the next ledge.
He nodded, locking in his plan, and then launched himself at the cave wall. He moved up the wall nimbly, never allowing himself to stay in one spot long enough to lose his momentum, and before long, he was at the height Hollyleaf had fallen from. He took a breath, and then launched himself from his ledge, just as he had planned. His paws struck the next ledge right at the edge, and he nearly lost his balance, but caught himself just quickly enough to make one more jump.
This last jump was clumsy, however, and he found his paws grasping at air. Next thing he knew his body was hitting the cold cave water, just the same as Hollyleaf's had. But he had beaten her! He swam quickly to the shore, pulling himself up onto the rocky floor and catching his breath.
"I win!" he crowed. "I told you I could get the highest."
Hollyleaf grinned. "Not for long!" she called, and then she threw herself at the wall again. Clearly she had already planned her next attack.
Smiling, Breezepelt watched her climb, grateful again to have her as a friend. It had been about two moons since her strange breakdown over the fox cub. He had had no idea what she was talking about that day, but they had gone to sleep, and in the morning she had explained better. The fox reminded her of herself, she had explained, and the incident had made her think of her mother. Or rather, her mothers. As long as he had known Hollyleaf, she had been furious at both Squirrelflight and Leafpool for lying to her about her birth, but for reasons he still didn't really quite understand, this incident had changed her mind a bit.
Although he had been worried about her that day, she had seemed a bit happier since then. As if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders somehow. Maybe he did understand that a bit- the weight of hating a parent was a heavy one indeed.
He had been thinking about his father more and more lately. He had always known nothing he did would ever be good enough for Crowfeather. His mother had reminded him often enough that his father had never wanted him, and Crowfeather's own actions certainly did nothing to dispel that idea. Even when they were on their journey to the mountains, away from WindClan, Crowfeather had made an effort to praise the other apprentices for successful kills or strong fighting technique, and he had ignored practically every good thing Breezepelt had done.
But it hadn't always been that way. When Breezepelt was a kit, Crowfeather was in the nursery about as often as the other fathers. Crowfeather had brought him the best prey from the fresh-kill pile as soon as he was old enough to eat it, and he had played with him. He genuinely had enjoyed play-wrestling with his father, and had thought his father enjoyed it too, until one day Crowfeather knocked him hard against the wall of the nursery, and his mother had freaked out.
"Are you trying to hurt him?" Nightcloud had whispered to Crowfeather furiously. "I know you don't want to be his father, but I will not let you harm your son."
Breezepelt had been shocked. Crowfeather didn't want to be his father? He had never realized that before. But his mother had said it, so it must be true. He knew she would never lie- she only wanted to protect him.
Crowfeather had protested this, but soon enough he had left the nursery, and he had come by a lot less often after that. Breezepelt had barely been hurt- he was a bit dizzy for a few moments, but no longer. But his mother had reminded him about how small he was, and about how his littermates had already died and she couldn't let anything happen to him too.
"You're smaller and weaker than the other kits," she had reminded him. "You can't be playing so rough."
Breezepelt knew she was right, but he still missed his father. He wished his father still wanted to play with him. Even Onestar, busy as he was as Clan leader, found the time to come by to play with Heathertail. Why couldn't he have that too? It wasn't fair.
But then, nothing about his family had ever been normal. And knowing what he knew now about Crowfeather's history, it was clear why.
A splash interrupted his reminiscing as Hollyleaf hit the water again. He realized he hadn't been paying attention to her attempt.
"It's that same ledge again!" she complained. "I can't get past it."
"Try going further to the right," he suggested. "Like I did last time."
Hollyleaf furrowed her brow. "Show me again," she meowed.
Breezepelt obliged, attacking the wall again with the same sequence as his previous attempt, and falling in basically the same way again. I'm still winning though, he reminded himself.
Hollyleaf yelped as he shook the water from his pelt as vigorously and as close to her as possible. "You're doing that on purpose," she complained.
"It's not like you're not already wet anyway!" he pointed out with a smile.
"Hmm, that's true…" Hollyleaf mused. "In that case…" And before he had a chance to respond, she leaped at him, bowling him over, and they both tumbled back into the river. For the next few moments, they both thrashed wildly as they tried to push the other one under, but before too long, Hollyleaf had the upper hand. He hadn't thought ThunderClan would learn underwater fighting, but she definitely seemed to know specific techniques he didn't. Maybe he would ask her to teach him sometime.
But for now, they were both pulling themselves back up onto land. For a few moments, neither of them spoke, as they both lay panting on the rocky shore.
Finally, Hollyleaf broke the easy silence with a question completely unrelated to their previous activity. "Do you ever think about leaving?" she asked.
Breezepelt furrowed his brow. This is coming from nowhere. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Like going back to WindClan?"
Hollyleaf shook her head. "No, like… leaving it all behind. I mean, we both have our reasons for not going back to our Clans, but that doesn't mean we have to stay in these tunnels forever, right? I don't know, I've just been thinking… I miss being a part of a Clan. And there's gotta be other groups of cats out there somewhere. We could even go back to the Tribe if we wanted! So few cats have ever gotten the chance to just travel and see what's out there, and we have that opportunity now. Don't you want to take it?"
Breezepelt considered for a moment. He had never thought of leaving the lake completely. How could he, when practically everything he had ever known was here? But he really had enjoyed the journey to the mountains. He still didn't see why any cat would choose to live there, but seeing so many new sights he had never seen near the lake was exciting. They could leave, and just… see what was out there.
The idea of finding a new group of cats to be a part of was terrifying. He had never been good at making friends, and now Hollyleaf was suggesting they come into a whole new group as outsiders and ask the group to accept them? But there was some part of him that desperately missed being a part of a Clan. He had initially loved the freedom his new lifestyle in the tunnels provided, but by now, he found himself missing having something bigger than himself to live for. Maybe they could find that again.
But… no. He couldn't leave the tunnels, for one very important reason.
"What about Fallen Leaves?" he asked.
Hollyleaf paused. "What about him?"
"He can't come with us. He can't leave the tunnels. He was alone for so long, and if we leave, we'll just be abandoning him like everyone else," he meowed. Shortly after telling Breezepelt his secret, Fallen Leaves had told Hollyleaf too. These days, Breezepelt spent a lot more time with him than Hollyleaf did, but Fallen Leaves and Hollyleaf still seemed to be friends, and Hollyleaf felt she still owed a debt to Fallen Leaves since he had helped her after she was injured by the collapsing tunnels.
Guilt flashed across Hollyleaf's eyes. It seemed she had forgotten about Fallen Leaves in her planning. "You're right," she meowed softly. "But… won't we be leaving him one day regardless? He seems to think he'll be here forever. We won't live forever." Breezepelt supposed she was right. Maybe in the grand scheme of forever, a few more cycles of the seasons wouldn't make that much of a difference to his ancient friend. But still, he knew Fallen Leaves would be upset if they left, even if he wouldn't be angry. Breezepelt didn't know if he could face that guilt.
In the moons since he had learned Fallen Leaves was really a ghost, he had learned so much more about his friend's former life, finally getting the history of Fallen Leaves that he had been wanting all this time. He had been a "softpaw" in a group of cats that had lived by the lake many moons ago. Softpaws seemed to be their version of apprentices. Except instead of passing an assessment by their mentors to become warriors- or "sharpclaws" as they called them- they had to go down into the tunnels and find their way out. Fallen Leaves had never made it out, instead being drowned when the tunnels had flooded. Apparently this wasn't particularly uncommon in these assessments, which made Breezepelt wonder why they kept doing them.
Fallen Leaves had been a ghost in the tunnels for only a couple of moons when another cat, Jay's Wing, had come down there for his assessment. Jay's Wing had made it out, but he was the last cat Fallen Leaves saw down there for a long, long time.
Fallen Leaves didn't know where his friends and family had gone, but he knew they must have left the lake, because Half Moon was supposed to have her assessment in the tunnels right after Jay's Wing but she had never come down. Fallen Leaves figured they must have left to go find a new territory, since theirs was yielding less and less prey every moon, but he had no idea where they would have gone. Breezepelt had told him about the Tribe of Rushing Water though, and Fallen Leaves said some of their customs seemed familiar to ones he was used to, so Breezepelt wondered if Fallen Leaves' ancestors had become the tribe. Their cats certainly seemed to have similar names, so it seemed possible.
Fallen Leaves had said that when he had died, he had found himself in a strange new place. He said it was "like the tunnels, but different". He had wandered there for a bit, but he had been frightened by the unfamiliarity, and couldn't find any other cats. He had "forced himself to wake up", and found himself back in reality, alone in the real version of the tunnels, and unable to leave.
"Do you think that other place was where you were supposed to go to find your ancestors?" Breezepelt had asked, curious if the "different" place Fallen Leaves had been was their version of StarClan.
Fallen Leaves had shrugged. "I don't know. All I know is I was scared, and I still didn't know my way out, and… well, I didn't want to die! I wasn't ready! I thought if I could force myself to wake up again, I could go back to being alive and go back to my family and friends. But… I wasn't back in my body. Not really." He had paused, a mournful expression on his face. "Maybe I should have stayed there. If I could have left the tunnels in that other place, maybe my ancestors would have been waiting there. But I was too cowardly to even die correctly."
Breezepelt had asked if he had tried going back there again to find his ancestors, and Fallen Leaves had just shaken his head vigorously. "I can't!" he had exclaimed. "What if I go back there but I can't wake up again, and then my ancestors have left along with the living cats? I would be all alone, but truly alone, because there wouldn't even be the possibility of meeting living cats. No, it's much too risky."
Privately, Breezepelt had disagreed. Fallen Leaves' existence now seemed so miserable, it seemed well worth the risk to try and find his ancestors. But his friend had been so spooked by the idea that he hadn't brought it up again.
But maybe he should. If he could encourage Fallen Leaves to move on and find his ancestors, then he and Hollyleaf could leave the tunnels without feeling guilty. And he would have helped his friend, and made sure he wouldn't be alone even once he and Hollyleaf were dead.
"Fallen Leaves should be here tomorrow," he told Hollyleaf. Or is he already here now, listening to us? The idea still unsettled him. "Why don't you stay here and talk to him with me?"
Hollyleaf hesitated, but agreed.
The next morning, he and Hollyleaf were play-fighting in their makeshift camp when Fallen Leaves came trotting up.
"Hey guys!" he called cheerfully. "Hollyleaf, it's good to see you today!" Based on his positive mood, Breezepelt figured he hadn't heard their discussion yesterday about leaving.
"Hey, Fallen Leaves," meowed Hollyleaf with a smile.
"What do you guys want to do today? We could maybe go fishing," Fallen Leaves suggested. Hollyleaf looked at Breezepelt, wordlessly asking if they should talk to him about leaving now. He gave a tiny shake of his head. Let's let him have his fun first.
They spent the morning fishing, and competing to see who could catch the most. Hollyleaf won, but Breezepelt and Fallen Leaves tied for second not far behind. Hollyleaf fussed a bit about wasting prey, but Breezepelt told her they could leave the fish outside the tunnels for some other animal to eat, and she had relented. Now that they had access to all of the prey in the forest they wanted, Breezepelt never wanted to eat fish again.
Later, as Hollyleaf started to tear into a fish, apparently not sick of them yet, Breezepelt finally worked up the courage to talk to Fallen Leaves about the topic he had wanted to discuss all morning.
"Fallen Leaves," he began carefully. "Have you thought about trying again to find your ancestors?"
Fallen Leaves looked up, alarmed. "No, I told you. I don't even know if I could find them," he meowed.
"I know, it's just… Hollyleaf and I won't be here forever, you know," Breezepelt told him gently. "I hate the idea that you'll be alone again someday."
Fallen Leaves' eyes widened with concern. "You mean you're leaving?" he asked.
"Not necessarily," meowed Breezepelt reassuringly. "Though we might think about it if you weren't here. But even if we stay here for the rest of our lives, our lives won't last forever."
Fallen Leaves was silent. Maybe he hadn't thought about the fact that his companions would grow old and die one day, since he himself had gotten no older in the many, many moons he had been here. After a long pause, he spoke again.
"I don't know. I just… I'm still scared I guess," he admitted. "I mean, if I move on and there's no one there, I'll be alone forever. Even more alone than I am now."
"You won't be alone forever!" meowed Breezepelt. "Because even if you can't find your ancestors, when I'm in StarClan, I'm going to come find you so we can hang out. If you're not busy having an amazing time with your ancestors, which I'm sure you will be, you can come back to StarClan and hang out with mine."
"I'll come find you too," meowed Hollyleaf, speaking up for the first time in the conversation. "You're our friend- you think you won't still be our friend when we're dead?" Hollyleaf had looked a bit unsettled when StarClan was brought up, but maybe she just didn't like thinking about her eventual death. He could hardly blame her.
Fallen Leaves still looked hesitant. "I don't know… it just feels safer to stay here," he meowed.
"Fallen Leaves, you've been wandering these tunnels alone for StarClan knows how many moons!" Breezepelt meowed, starting to become irritated at his friend's reluctance. "You can't honestly say you're happy here. If there's a chance, even a chance, that you can see your loved ones again, isn't it worth taking?"
Fallen Leaves paused, considering. Finally, he nodded. "If I try, will you… will you stay with me while I do it?" he asked pleadingly.
"Of course we will," meowed Hollyleaf gently.
"We'll be right by your side," Breezepelt told him.
Fallen Leaves nodded again. "Okay. Then I'm going to try it. I'm going to try leaving," he meowed determinedly.
He lay down on the ground, and shut his eyes. Breezepelt lay down beside him, pressing his pelt against his friend's for moral support, and Hollyleaf lay down on Fallen Leaves' other side. Fallen Leaves lay still, his breathing coming fast at first and then eventually steadying. After a while, Breezepelt noticed something odd happening. Fallen Leaves' body was fading, becoming nearly see-through. Eventually, he had vanished.
He and Hollyleaf stayed there in silence for a few moments, neither of them knowing what to say.
"Do you think that means it worked?" ventured Hollyleaf finally.
"I don't know," breathed Breezepelt. He had never had a friend vanish into thin air in front of him before, but then, he had never been friends with any ghosts before. "I hope it did," he meowed.
StarClan, please watch over him and help him find his loved ones, prayed Breezepelt. He hadn't prayed to StarClan since he had entered the tunnels, and he had hardly ever done it before that, but nothing had ever felt this important. Maybe StarClan could see Fallen Leaves, and make sure he found his ancestors. He hoped with everything he had that this was really what was best for Fallen Leaves, and that he hadn't led his friend astray.
But he had meant what he had said. He would die someday, and then he would make sure Fallen Leaves was okay, and bring him back to StarClan if he wasn't. And if StarClan wouldn't let his friend in… well, then he would fight all of StarClan if he had to.
He and Hollyleaf stayed in the tunnels for a few more days in case Fallen Leaves came back. But on the third day after Fallen Leaves' disappearance, they each ate a mouthful of the herbs Hollyleaf deemed best for traveling, and they left the tunnels for good.
As they exited the mouth of the tunnels for the last time, he couldn't help but feel a bit nostalgic. This place would always be special to him, because it was where he had met his best friend and really gotten to know his sister. He missed Fallen Leaves already, at least as much as he missed his former Clanmates, but he told himself again that Fallen Leaves was in a better place now, and that he would see him again someday.
"It feels weird, leaving it behind," meowed Hollyleaf softly, echoing his own emotions. Breezepelt nodded, unable to find the words to express the strange mix of excitement and sadness he was feeling. "Are you ready?" she asked.
"I'm ready," he meowed. And he was.
The two of them set off in the direction away from the lake, following the river that separated ThunderClan and WindClan on the WindClan side. He knew they weren't technically in WindClan territory, and there was no chance of any of his former Clanmates discovering him, but he was still nervous.
Nervous, but maybe a little bit regretful too. Was he making the right choice? He did miss his Clanmates, and he still held a deep love for WindClan. Maybe not the same love Hollyleaf held for her Clan, but still. He couldn't help but think about going back. Unlike Hollyleaf, he hadn't murdered any of his Clanmates. Would they take him back? They might be angry with him for abandoning him for so long, but…
No. He couldn't think about such things. He had made his choice. And besides, going back to WindClan would mean abandoning Hollyleaf, and he could never do that to her, not after all they had been through together.
The only way to go was forward.
So they continued onward. However, they had barely passed the Moonpool when he suddenly became aware of pawsteps behind them. He whirled around to confront the cat who was following their scent, and was faced with an all-too-familiar face, and an utterly shocked voice.
"Breezepelt?"