Breathing – Lifehouse
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace
I am handing on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time
I am handing on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the straps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now.
I am handing on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I am handing on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
It was still amazing to him that Penelope had not secured a husband. Granted the first attempt she had made in his presence was perhaps a little overdone. However, if you took the fan out of the equation (for the safety of others apart from anything else), there was still her dazzling smile and those brilliant blue eyes that you could so easily get lost in. Penelope Featherington was a sight to behold when she felt comfortable in your presence.
So he had asked her to meet him here at Bridgerton House. It would kill two birds with one stone. Penelope would feel more secure and her maid who clearly did not trust him with Penelope, could wait outside. When one of the servants came to let him know she had arrived, he was happy to deal out of the card game before Hyacinth won any more of his money.
What he was surprised to find was a nervous Penelope in the foyer. "No. I'm happy to wait here." He had thought despite Penelope and Eloise not being on speaking terms that she would still prefer being here to out in public. She used to feel more at home here than in her own home.
"Penelope. I've been eagerly awaiting your visit." He really had been. She always seemed to see the real him. Never had he ever felt the need to put up a façade for her.
"As have I." It did not look that way. "But perhaps it would be better to meet you at the market instead of coming here first." Perhaps this had not been a good idea after all.
"We are not going to the market this time. We are going to the Bridgerton drawing room." Why did she not look more thrilled.
"Uh, oh why?" Would she prefer to try again in society. They could do but it would be better to build up her confidence first.
"For your next lesson of course." She looks so adorably befuddled. It was obviously why they were here instead of the market.
"Uh, but Colin, my maid is outside." Good. Then she could not keep watching him from the corner of her eye. "And Eloise." What had happened between them that Penelope no longer enjoyed being there.
"Is out for the afternoon at the modiste with Francesca and our mother." It sounded strange even to him. Eloise had never been a fan of going to the modiste. Eloise seemed to have changed a great deal while he had been abroad.
"And the rest of your family." They certainly would not be disturbing their lesson.
"Playing cards in the garden." Guiding her through the house it was shocking that every time he touched her, he felt a spark of electricity. "You've seen my family play Pall-mall. You know how competitive we are." Even more so now that Kate was part of the family. She hated to lose as much as Antony did, which made the game even more interesting. "Hyacinth loves to win. Gregory hates to lose to her, and well Benedict will refuse to miss the spectacle. Trust me, not one of them will be leaving that table in the immediate future." It could actually be quite terrifying to watch for outsiders.
"You mentioned you were comfortable at Bridgerton House, so we are going to practice here." Where there could be no judgement or interference.
"Uh, I was comfortable at Bridgerton House. Previously." It was strange that whenever he asked either Penelope or Eloise what had happened they deflected the question.
"We need a place to be alone." He was seeking that more and more often. Sharing Penelope's friendship with Eloise was one thing but he found that he had no desire to share her with anyone else. "Here, your maid can wait outside, and we can pretend we are at a ball."
"Have you gone mad?" That was not the reaction he had expected.
"Imagine it with me Pen." If he set the scene for her maybe she could see it too. "The quartet is by the pianoforte, preparing for the Parisian quadrille. Here, on the sofa, some mamas are debating the merits of the decoration. Across the room, gentlemen are asking a young lady to dance. And here, we have the lemonade table, which is where we shall begin."
She does not look convinced. It seems an enternaty before she sighs and lays her shawl on the back of one of the chairs. "Very well. Shall I pretend to flirt with the imaginary cellist?"
"No. With the dashing suitor you just met by the refreshments." A Lord for instance or an Earl. "Me."
"You?" What was wrong with him? Granted he was not a Viscount like Antony but she had never found him repulsive.
"I'm the perfect person to practise on. You don't have to be embarrassed. You know me." At least he hoped it was embarrassment.
"That is exactly why I will feel even more embarrassed, because I know you." But they were friends. If she couldn't practise on him, who could she practise on? "Forgive me. It is only … Deep inside, I know I can be clever and amusing, but somehow my character gets lost between my heart and my mouth, and I find myself saying the wrong thing or, more likely, nothing at all." She was so eloquent with him that it was unusual that she wasn't with others.
"Forget what is wrong or right. Imagine what you would want to say to me if I were a suitor, without concerning yourself with how I might receive it." Curiosity was niggling at him as well. What would she say?
Taking a deep breath, she looked him straight in the eye. "Your eyes, are the most remarkable shade of blue. Yet, somehow they shine even brighter when you are kind." Wow! Where had that come from? Then she seemed to remember herself. "I thought I might say something like that if you were a suitor."
"Mm. Well, that was rather direct." Effective but direct.
"Um." He was about to tell her not to get discouraged when he heard his sisters. Why had they returned so soon? "Eloise is here."
"You can hide in the study." At least until he could find out why they had returned early. No doubt it was Eloise's doing. His sister had no filter and could not be bothered reading the room before speaking. She simply felt everyone should think as she did.
While Eloise was busy he grabbed Penelope's shawl and raced to the study prepared to smuggle her out of the house. "Pen." There in her tiny hands was his journal which she dropped onto the desk at the sound of his voice. He had forgotten he had left it there. "Were you reading that?"
"No. I did not mean to." She looks a mixture of shocked and guilty. This was embarrassing, mainly because he was not sure which page she had read.
"You did not mean to pick up my journal and read it?" How could she invade his privacy like that?
"No uh I did, but I should not have." And yet she had.
"No you should not. Whatever you read was not meant for another's eye." When he reached over to slam the journal shut, his arm caught the lamp knocking it off the desk. It only fuelled his anger and so he wasn't as careful as he should have been when picking up the broken glass. "Damn!"
"Colin, your hand." Penelope seeing this just heightened his embarrassment.
"It's nothing." He didn't want to seem weak in front of Penelope. He wanted her to keep looking at him as she had before he had make that unfortunate comment after her mother's ball last season.
"It is not nothing. Stay there." Where was he going to go? It was his home. He didn't want to make a fuss so when she reached for his hand, he pulled away. "Please. Let me." He could not stay mad at her especially when she looked at him like that. He let her tend to his injured hand. Such concentration in wrapping his hand with the handkerchief she had taken from his desk. She really was lovely. "Your writing …" Her soft voice startled him. "It is very good."
She had enjoyed reading his writing? "Perhaps we should pause for the day." He wasn't sure how to process this new information on her and he was curious at what she had read. " Will I see you tonight?"
"Uh … indeed. Thank you for the uh lesson." She grabbed her gloves and shawl and hurried out the room. There was no need for her to thank him. It was not a hardship helping her.
When he heard the door close, he walked over to the desk to see what page she had been reading. Surprised that she had not been more shocked at what she had read, he glanced at the door she had left through. There was truly no one like Penelope Featherington.