58) Don't Really Know How I Got Here

She really didn't know what to make of the whole mess. River's plan to jail break Zoë…yeah that could simmer in the back of her mind until she'd gotten a handle on what all else was going on.

Mal looked up from his mug of tea when she came into the galley and when she raised an eyebrow nodded, "I guess it's about time we talked a bit about the day's events." He put his mug in the cleaner and gestured towards the hatch to his bunk. "Rather not have this conversation where anyone could overhear or walk in on it, part of why I've been waitin' on it." He explained as he kicked the hatch open.

"All right," The two of them had been enjoying quite a few stolen embraces and long hours on the bridge talking when they weren't kissing. But they'd been careful to never be too private, no closed doors…it kept them both from going too far too fast. Now they were in his bunk, for the second time, and it was awfully tempting forget about the conversation and just fall into that convenient bed.

From the gleam in Mal's eyes when she turned from the ladder and pushed it up to close the hatch Mal was having thoughts similar to hers. "Can't say when I've seen a finer sight than your legs coming down that ladder Carolyn," He admitted.

"You wanna make out after we talk," She teased with a little smile and succeeded in getting a chuckle out of him at least.

"Might do," He sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard and patted the mattress beside him. "But let's start out with the talk."

Carolyn took a seat next to him and didn't protest when Mal's arms wrapped around her. She felt his lips on her hair and the breeze of his breath as he sighed. "Mal, I get that this won't be easy to talk about. But I've gotta have some sort of…something to grab onto, you know that." They'd had quite a few talks about her needing to know things, how rattled she got with so many unknowns, so he knew how tightly she was clinging to her composure these days.

"I know," He rubbed his palm up and down her spine. "How much did River tell you about the crew we lost?"

"When we first toured the boat, she mentioned that Zoë's husband had died on a Reaver's spear," Carolyn recalled. "And Kaylee said something about a Shepherd who'd died."

"It's all because of the Miranda wave, and the Reavers," Mal sighed again. "I've mentioned River was unwell when she came aboard. Simon was taking her out of the Core because there were people looking for her. Because she'd heard something at school that not only was dangerous for her to know, but it was something so terrible that she'd gone a little sideways because of it."

"Simon says she has a memory like a capture...she doesn't forget anything," Carolyn murmured and tried to imagine how that would feel if she'd heard something so horrifying, she wanted to forget. And couldn't. She shuddered and felt Mal nod.

"Exactly so," He agreed. "I'll give you three guesses what it was she heard."

"She heard about Miranda," Carolyn took a deep shaky breath and tried to calm her suddenly racing heart. "How did you..."

"The people who were lookin' for her..." Mal spoke slowly and Carolyn got the impression that it wasn't because he didn't trust her, but he also was used to keeping this secret for River's sake and Buddha knew Carolyn was familiar with how hard it could be to let go of secrets. "They started gettin' more aggressive, folks were gettin' killed. And we tried to get out in front of the mess."

"You sent the Miranda Wave," Carolyn murmured, half awed, and half appalled.

"We did," Mal nodded. "Had to disguise Serenity as a reaver ship. Sail to Miranda to find the record of what had happened. It was on the way back that we ran into trouble."

"Was that when you lost your pilot?" She couldn't imagine the amount of desperation they must have felt to try such a suicidal plan and said as much.

"Same kind of desperate hope that lends itself to filling a bottle with glow worms and running through the dark and man-eating monsters to talk someone into coming back to help?" Mal looked at her and Carolyn blushed.

"I guess so," She conceded.

"After…we got patched up and took off to find work," Mal explained. "Lyin' low and working quiet didn't suit Jayne so he took off just after we left the repair yards."

"You weren't just trying to stay out of the Alliance's way, you were avoiding Bea's people too," Carolyn realized.

"Yeah…" Mal looked uncomfortable. "I made somethin' of a name for myself, back durin' the war, holding the Valley. And now with the Miranda wave… guess folks think I'm still trying to fight that war."

"I think I've only heard you say, 'I just wanna go my way' only about a million times," Carolyn said dryly.

"Well, Bea recruited Jayne because much as I dislike sayin' it, the man is a good tracker and he knows me well enough to know the places I'd go to lie low," Mal sighed. "And she's got her heart set on recruitin' me for this New Resistance."

"Something tells me she's the stubborn type too," Carolyn mused. "Jayne… why'd he agree to do it, if he knew you were trying to keep a low profile?"

"Money," Mal nearly spat the word. "Jayne's always had a weakness for money. He gets stupid when the money's too good. Bèn dàn gǒu cào de gǒu niáng yǎng de."

"The creed is greed," She murmured.

"What's that?"

"Somethin' Rick said about mercs, back when we were prepping the skiff," The blonde remembered. "It seems to be something mercenaries have in common."

"River says that now and then," Mal sighed. "But that's what we've got to deal with."

"Well, we could set them down somewhere," Carolyn leaned against him. "She's kind of an uninvited guest and he's already left once."

"We could," That didn't set right with him, she could hear it in his voice. It wasn't in him to just dump people, even if it would be the smarter play. He might want to set Bea down but to do that would imply that Jayne should also be dropped off somewhere and she got the feeling that Mal still felt some loyalty to Jayne. Someone who'd been part of his crew and parted on decent terms couldn't just be stranded somewhere, not without good reason. Even if he was annoyed with Jayne's actions.

"Or we could keep them a while, until there comes a time one or both of them decides to leave," She continued as if he hadn't spoken. "If you don't want to lead their 'New Resistance' just keep making it clear to her." There was smart and there was right and then there was Mal's way. And if he wasn't the way he was she wouldn't like him so gorram much.

"I just wanna go my way," He muttered. "War's long done. Miranda was just a way to poke the Alliance in the eye, remind them of what they're supposed to be doing. Expose that secret so the whole 'verse knows it and they got no reason to keep after River to silence her. People were dying. I just wanted that to stop."

"Didn't she say that they were well funded this time," Carolyn looked at him. "Where's the money coming from? That ship looked like a toad on a rock, but it still wouldn't be cheap."

"That's a very good question," Mal gave her an admiring look. "Might be we have a little talk with Bea about that. And get our resident genius to looking into it."

"That's a good thought," She smiled. Not much had been settled really, no solid plan with piles of details for her to dig into. But talking to Mal always helped her feel like she had a handle on her worries.

"Feelin' any better about the mess we're in?" The man also knew her pretty well by now.

"Somewhat," Carolyn nodded. "It really helps that you're willing to talk with me about things when I get wound up."

"Even when my plan is mostly, 'wait an' see' or 'we'll find out when we get there'?"

"Because you're honest about it," She explained. "It's not some huge secret that'll come back to bite us in the butt." His eyes darkened slightly, and she kissed his jaw, "I know you've got secrets Mal. That's obvious enough. But so long as they're not something that'll bring an avalanche down on our heads…"

"No…no, the time for avalanches is long done," Mal shook his head. "Secrets we have… they're not ours to tell."

"Which is why they don't worry me," The blonde shrugged slightly. "If it was something could hurt us, you'd say so."

"I would," He nodded and bent down to kiss her firmly. "Just about killed me when I saw what Niska's men had done."

"How about I take your mind off of things," She suggested with a smile she hoped came across as sultry.

"I could surely do with a distraction of some sort," Mal's eyes darkened with a different emotion, intent upon her mouth.

"Got sound proofing in the walls?" She asked thoughtfully as she looked at the metal around them.

"A decent amount," He nodded, his hand cupping her cheek. He had such big hands, as gentle as his eyes were hungry.

"Good," Carolyn lifted herself up and straddled his hips. "How much time before we get called up for dinner?"

"A good hour and a half, maybe two," He glanced at the clock on the shelf, tearing his eyes off her reluctantly to answer her question. "What'd you have in mind?"

"I really want to have sex with you Mal," She admitted. "But I get that you don't just fall into bed with anyone."

"With you I could be persuaded," His hands lifted to her shirt and tugged it out of her pants. "But I like going slow with you Carolyn. I don't want this to be some flash in the pan and we're awkward for months afterwards because one of us regrets it."

"Then I guess we'll just have to fool around some," Carolyn leaned down and kissed him, loving that soft mouth, the slight rasp of a five o'clock shadow against her lips, and the way his hands tightened around her waist.

"Got a powerful urge to watch you fall Carolyn," Mal admitted.

"I'm feeling the same," She admitted, unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it open. "Let's just see…where this goes."

Where it went had been pretty damn satisfying. Carolyn did her best to not look smug as she came to dinner after a brief detour to straighten up (and clean up a bit) in her dorm. She and Mal talked a lot between kisses, admitting what they didn't enjoy, what they liked, what really got each of them going. He hadn't been turned off when she'd told him she liked anal now and then. And he hadn't gotten pouty when she'd admitted she had a hard time coming without some pressure on her clit.

He'd proven himself perfectly happy to demonstrate his skill in that area, to the point where she wasn't going to need any new batteries for a bit at least. And he'd also been pleased with her hands on him, not pressuring her to use her mouth. Turns out Mal's kinky side really wasn't very but that was fine. She didn't need to be tied up or spanked. Roleplaying could be fun, but she didn't crave it the way she knew some women did.

They'd decided to talk a bit more next time, about rough and/or sweet and one versus the other. She really couldn't wait to find out just how much of Mal insisted on being Captain in the bedroom. She could deal with that without any problems at all. He was tall enough, big enough to make her feel dainty and overpowered if he wanted.

"Carolyn," Riddick's low rumbling tones murmured her voice. "You've got a little bit of…" He rubbed his mouth. "Wicked…on your face. And some smug on your chin."

She grinned at him, "I'll do my best to get rid of it, but it ain't easy."

"Yeah," He grinned back at her. "Yeah, I can see that." He gestured for her to precede him up the stairs. "If I could get River alone in a room for longer than two minutes without an interruption, we might get to that point ourselves."

"We get Zoë back and we might wanna suggest to Mal that we're all due some R&R," Carolyn could sympathize, but she knew that there'd be no rest until they had the First Mate back on the boat.

"Something to keep in mind," Riddick nodded.

Author's Note: Slightly shorter chapter but this was a good cutoff point. So Mal is letting Carolyn in on some things. As much as I think he wants to tell her everything and be honest with her about all the problems and secrets, he really can't until he's talked with River and Zoë. Zoë is his right hand and the secrets are River's mostly. And now they've got someone on the boat who has no idea about River and her abilities. So he wouldn't feel at ease about discussing that at all. Not until he's sure he can trust Bea. Which I don't see happening for a while.

Chinese Translations:

Bèn dàn (fool / idiot)

gǒu cào de gǒu niáng yǎng de (dog-humping son of a bitch)