June 25th, 2001
It's been a crazy week. Since Ginny told him he should move in with Hermione to take care of Rachel, Harry's already doubted his decision at least ten times. He doesn't want to intrude in Hermione's life. She's just starting her career. Not to mention how this new arrangement affects her relationship with Ron. He's not sure if they've broken up because Hermione is avoiding the subject and he's trying his best not to ask, but he's seen her crying when she thinks she's alone. And it hurts Harry physically. However, every time he looks at Rachel, he knows he's doing the best for her and all his doubts go out the window.
Now, as they wait for Draco or Ginny to open the door of their new place, Harry watches Hermione with the corner of his eyes. She's holding Rachel, talking to her softly, whispering nonsenses as they're used to when playing with the little girl. Even with their constant suffering, is incredible how they managed to fall into a routine easily. Hermione always understood him and his reactions, the same way he knows well not to piss her off when she's reading or when she's trying to concentrate in a task. They naturally know how to act around each other and he's sure it's because of the time they spent on the hunt. He doesn't like to remember those dark days, but if he does his memories are always filled with Hermione and their interactions.
The door finally opens and Draco greets them with a wide smile. It's strange to see Hermione hugging the man while he plays with Rachel. When Harry left two years ago they weren't exactly friends, they tolerated each other at most. But well, two years is a long time and things change.
"Come in, come in!" Hermione steps inside and Draco turns to Harry. "Man, it's nice to see you, scarface." They chuckle lightly and Harry hugs his improbable friend. Hermione is already talking to Ginny and Draco closes the door. The place is nice. A big house with an open space and warm colors. Welcoming. A mixture of the Malfoy Mansion and the Burrow. Strange yet understandable. "How are you, Potter?" Draco asks seriously as he steers Harry to a little bar positioned strategically at the corner of the living room.
Harry looks down, swallowing hard. He hates this question more than anything else, especially because everyone asks expecting him to crumble down. He's been visiting Tessa a lot less, his schedule different now that he reached an understanding with Hermione regarding her hours and Rachel's necessities. He's home most of the time since he abandoned the Auror Department, but even with magic, taking care of such a small child can be exhausting, and finally, when Hermione arrives from the Hospital he lets himself relax and succumb to sleep. But every morning before Hermione leaves, he stays at least two hours with Tessa. It's hard for him to watch her in total silence with only the annoying beep of the machines that are keeping her alive. It cuts him open to imagine her there all alone, but Hermione said she'll try again to reach Leonard this week. Harry hopes the man has some affection left inside him.
He sighs. "I'm…" How am I? He's not sure. "Sad." He purses his lips. "And angry." Draco nods, handing him a glass of something strong by the looks of it. "What's this?" He points to the glass.
"Just drink, man."
Harry shrugs and takes a gulp. It's something he never drank before, but it's good. And not so strong. He takes another sip and Draco smiles.
"Harry." Ginny comes closer and hugs him. Hermione is watching Rachel as she walks around in the living room, exploring. Harry noticed how Hermione's been watching the little girl more closely, like she's afraid that if she relaxes something awful might happen. "So, liked the house?" They walk further inside and Hermione takes a glass from Draco, her eyes warning him it's better be something drinkable. Harry watches her taking a sip as he nods to Ginny's question.
"It's amazing, really." And it really is. "But… a little too big for you two, no?" He says slowly and it gives him a little satisfaction to observe their embarrassment. As far as he knows, Draco hasn't proposed to Ginny and if they don't plan on getting married and having children the house might seem a little ostentatious. "But hey, no judging." He lifts his hands and Hermione shakes her head at him.
Rachel comes running, as fast as her short legs allow her, hugging his legs and smiling with her pacifier hanging in her mouth. Harry takes her in his arms and kisses her cheek. Rachel recently started trying the word 'dada'. And she's almost there. It's unbelievable how two days in a life of a one year old can change everything. She learns and absorbs things so fast Harry is sure she might be a sponge. He had no idea about it… and this thought touches something inside him that he's not quite sure where or why, but it makes him uncomfortable. Ginny is already steering them to the dinning room, which is just as big as the living room, just as beautiful also.
It's a nice dinner. It distracts him a little from the cruel reality he's facing every day. It's a change from the endless hours he spends gazing at the ceiling or the floor of the flat he now shares with Hermione. It's a diversion to pretend that his life is normal, to pretend that the woman he loves hasn't been in a coma for two weeks already. And especially to forget the brutal detail that she might never wake up. It also gives him a breath of fresh air to talk to other adults. For days his only companion is Rachel and he's sure she doesn't quite comprehend his problems as her answers to his questions are a few syllables here and there.
It's funny to hear Draco saying how he wants to be the best seeker the wizarding world has ever seen. Harry is sure he's only saying stuff like this to make him laugh, since they all know Draco is a good seeker, but for him to be the best ever… Harry says that 'maybe in another life' he might have a chance. They all laugh, even Rachel follows their cue. Draco opens his mouth and pretends to be shocked, but Harry knows he's only messing with them. After a while Draco starts telling how the season is going - 'terrible, because the entire team sucks, I'm the only one worth something' - and what are his next matches. Harry is so fascinated to be talking about Quidditch after so long that he barely notices Ginny and Hermione organizing the plates and heading out to the kitchen. Only after a long while he wonders if he should go help them, but Draco stops him.
"I think Hermione needs to talk about Ron." Harry blinks.
"Oh. Yeah. Right." He clears his throat. Rachel is trying to eat a piece of bread, but she only manages to make a mess with it. Harry itches to ask Draco if Ginny told him something about Hermione and Ron's relationship, but he stops himself. He doesn't want to intrude, it already feels like he ruined Hermione's life enough as it is. And I want her to feel comfortable to tell me.
"I know he's difficult." Ginny says as they take another sip of the wine they opened for themselves. Hermione rolls her eyes.
"He's impossible!" She emphasizes the word. "I swear, Gin, I don't know what else he wants from me." Hermione grunts. "Why can't he comprehend the situation? It's not like I chose to live with Harry!" She moves her hands desperately. "And you know what? It all began years ago when he broke up with me because I wanted to find my parents! And now it's like he blames me for Tessa's accident, he blames me for everything, even for wanting to take care of Rachel! She's my goddaughter, for fuck's sake!" Hermione takes another gulp. "And Harry needs me!" She says a little lower. "What Ron wanted me to do? You even said the best thing was Harry moving in!"
"I know, Hermione. It's not your fault and I don't think he blames you, he just doesn't know how to deal with the friendship you and Harry have." Hermione stops at that, one eyebrow going up. "I shouldn't be saying this, but I will because he's my brother and I worry. He told me what happened at the hunt." Ginny stops for effect, giving Hermione a knowing look. "He told me how he freaked out because he couldn't keep up with the way you two communicated and that led him to think something more might be happening. He said it was hard for him to watch how you barely needed words to understand one another while even if he shouted what he wanted or felt you couldn't understand."
"That's not-" Ginny raises her hand.
"Let me finish." Hermione nods, a lump in her throat. "What you and Harry share is kinda of special, you know? It's a strong friendship between a man and a woman and in Ron's mind there's no way you two weren't hiding feelings for each other, no way there wasn't nothing happening behind his back. It's a little bit ridiculous to think like that?" Ginny shrugs her shoulders as in answer of her own question. "I'm not so sure. I once thought the same." Hermione opens her mouth. "It's hard to find someone you can fully trust and be comfortable with and Ron always saw that in your interactions. I did also. As I think a lot of people did back then." Hermione shakes her head, not believing what Ginny is saying. Harry's my best friend! "Yes, I know! Only friends! My best friend and all that. But believe me… watching from the outside is totally different. And Ron… he knows Harry comes first. And don't get me wrong! I'm not blaming you or anything, but my thick brother can't understand that a romantic relationship can be different from a friendship. In his mind he has to be the first all the time. And I reckon that might have killed you two in a way." She stops to sip on her wine. Hermione is quiet, her mind working. "Can you honestly tell me that Harry's not the first person you think about whenever something good or bad happens in your life?"
Hermione purses her lips, Ginny is watching her closely, her eyes sharp and her expression clearly of someone who is having… fun. "He's my best friend!" She says a little defensively. "Of course I think about him! But not only him! And that's what Ron doesn't understand. What I feel for Harry doesn't automatically nullifies what I feel for Ron!" She's a little nervous, the subject is uncomfortable. "What I share with Ron is different. It's something between a man and a woman." She states as if that explains everything. "I mean…" She's reaching now. "It would be incredibly odd to kiss Harry, for example!" She closes her mouth and Ginny laughs a little.
"Would it?" She suggests.
"Of course!" Her answer is fast. "I never thought about Harry that way, Gin. Come on, you know that. You know how I always rooted for you two, how I always supported his love interests and gave him advice. You really think I would do those things if I felt anything for him?" She snorts. "Merlin, he has a daughter with my cousin!"
Ginny lifts her hands in the air. "Ow, there. I didn't say anything, why are you so jittery?" Ginny opens half smile as she takes another sip. It annoys Hermione how she's insinuating something so… so… absurd! Ginny sighs. "Did he tell you why we broke up two years ago?" Hermione perks her ears. Harry never told her the real reason why his relationship with Ginny came to an end. He used to say they were too different and that was that. Hermione didn't press the matter at the time, she had other things to think about and Harry seemed okay with their breakup, so… "It was because of you. Well, not entirely because of you, but still…" Ginny says.
"What?" Her voice is low now, her mind barely comprehending. "Why?"
"Because I guess I felt a fraction of what Ron did. Every time I was with Harry I could tell he was miserable, you know… the war took a toll on all of us." She sighs. "But I kept pushing him to tell what was wrong, kept trying to make him open up. He never did. Not with me, at least." She gives Hermione a pointed look. "You were the only one he felt comfortable with to share his darkest thoughts and deepest fears, Hermione. You still are. And honestly, I think you always will be."
Hermione shakes her head. "But that doesn't mean we have a physical or romantic relationship-"
"I know. But it hurt to realize that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life while he didn't feel good enough with me to share his feelings. So, yeah, in a way I broke up with him because of you, because of your friendship with him. No one can compete with what you have. It's hard, but whoever wants a relationship with him must understand you come with the package. The same way with you."
Hermione is shaking her head, denying Ginny's words since they make no sense whatsoever. So what she can talk about everything with Harry? That's what friendship is all about, isn't it? "Look, Gin, I'm sorry if you broke up with him because of me. Really, you shouldn't have-"
"Oh, don't worry. It's fine, really. You were a reason, but then I understood we had nothing in common anymore. We shared a juvenile romance and it was amazing while it lasted. I'm happy with Draco." She smiles and Hermione sighs. She would hate to be the reason why they didn't work out.
There's a silence between them as they drink the wine. Harry and Draco still talking in the dinning room. Rachel is with them, safe. Suddenly, a wave of intense sadness hits Hermione. She tries holding back a few tears, her chin trembling a little. Ginny's hand is above hers, and Hermione looks up at her friend.
"How you've been?"
Hermione recognizes the tone, the slight inclination of the head, the look of… pity. People always behave the same when asking about Tessa and her coma, when asking about the fact that Hermione is taking care of Rachel. She sighs.
"It's been… hard. I mean, Rachel misses her mother and I miss Tessa. She was there everyday, we shared everything. But now there's a hole where she should be, an absence more present than anything else. I'm always thinking about her and wishing she would wake up, wishing she would come back to her daughter and Harry. I'm trying to be strong for him, but sometimes I just want to… scream." A tear falls down her cheek. "Scream at the cruelty of it. And even if Rachel loves me, I- I'm not her mother, you know?" Ginny squeezes her hand again. "Tessa is irreplaceable and-" She chokes and stops.
"What?" Ginny asks in a low voice.
"I know it's irrational of me, but I don't want to feel like I'm taking Tessa's place in Rachel's life." She cries harder now. Ginny comes to her, her arms hugging Hermione.
"We all know that's not the case, Hermione. Shh." Ginny soothes her and she stops crying after a few sobs.
"Hey, I-" Harry enters the kitchen and stops when he sees Hermione's red face, her hands fast wiping away her last tears. Rachel's in his arms, half asleep. Hermione smiles and gets up from the stool.
"Time to go, right?" She asks Harry and he nods. It's pretty late and she has an early shift tomorrow. "Gin, thanks for everything." She hugs her friend and they exit the kitchen.
After another round of goodbyes they head to their flat.
July 1st, 2001
Harry stayed. It's not strange living with him, I mean, we've kinda of done it before. And it's amazing to have the chance to watch him with Rachel. Your little girl is growing up fast, Tess. She's trying hard to communicate, her shrieks and yells a lot more common lately, but she can also say other things, she finally learned 'dada'. She can't see Harry she's calling to him. I'm 'Mi' as you know, she can say it clearly now and it breaks my heart that she calls me the same way you did. Do.
I think about you everyday. I've visited you a lot this week. And I'm trying to reach your father. Do you remember how he acted when I tried to tell him about Rachel? Well, he's been ignoring my attempts in talking to him. My father said he can't reach him either since he moved out of your old place, so, I did something he won't like, but won't be able to ignore. I made an owl track him wherever he is. He will receive my letter about you. I can't know if he'll read it, but I'm trying, Tess. I'll keep trying.
The other week we dined with Draco and Ginny. I think he'll propose to her soon. Can you believe it? It's funny how they're perfect for each other. And I guess I didn't tell you… Ron broke up with me. Definitely. Because of Harry. It angers me even to write about it. You would be asking me how I'm feeling right now, and to be completely honest, I'm… relieved. I guess we weren't meant to be, right? Ron is an amazing guy, but he has some insecurities that he really needs to take care of. Overall I'm sad about it, I miss his companion and our good days. We haven't talked for more than a week, which is odd, but expected. Harry doesn't know what to do to make me feel better, he feels bad about it, blames himself. It wouldn't be Harry if he didn't.
Work has been crazy, but fulfilling, you know? Necessary even.
I miss you. Come back to us.
It's only the second day in the whole week he found some time to come and see Tessa. He lowers his head, a few tears falling down. He only lets himself cry when he's alone with her. He decided he wouldn't burden Hermione any further and he doesn't want Rachel to see him sad all the time. The doctor said she might be able to hear him, but whenever Harry opens his mouth nothing comes out. He chokes on his own thoughts and emotions. It shouldn't be like this.
Three weeks already. Three weeks since he met his daughter and lost Tessa. It's impossible to fully understand his feelings. When he's with Rachel she fills his heart with good things, she brings him an overwhelming happiness, but when Hermione is there and Harry has more time to himself, his thoughts inevitably go to Tessa and a sadness so profound invades him he wants nothing more than to just lie down and feel the pain.
He sits on the chair by her bed. Harry watches Tessa's closed eyes until they blur and he finally dozes off.
He wakes in one motion, his heart beating fast and just when he registers the other man inside the room he realizes why he's so scared. Leonard is there, crying, wailing, screaming as he comes closer to his daughter's bed. Harry swallows the lump inside his throat and gets up from the chair, totally unsure of what he should do or say. He's shaking.
"My baby girl. My Tess." Leonard is kissing her forehead, his hands seeking hers, his voice cracking. "What happened to you? What happened?" Harry sees him closing his eyes and crying harder. Leonard lets out another scream, so guttural and pained that he can't help flinching. Harry wonders if he should just sneak out of the room, it seems like the man hadn't seen him and maybe- "YOU!" He's talking to Harry now. "IT'S YOUR FAULT!"
In a blink Leonard is holding him by the shirt and screaming at his face how he ruined his daughter's life, how he ruined everything. Screaming and crying. It takes a while for a doctor and a few nurses to get there. They calm Leonard down and Harry tries his best to be cool. Now that he's a father he can sympathize with Leonard's pain and it cuts him open even to consider something like this happening to Rachel. He begins to cry, repeating over and over again that he's sorry. Maybe Leonard is right, maybe it's all his fault. Maybe if Tessa hadn't fall in love with him she wouldn't have come to London, wouldn't have decided on being a photographer and wouldn't be taking that trip, the trip which ruined her life.
"Stop mumbling you're sorry!" Leonard snaps at him. "Just go! Go away! I'm taking care of her from now on!"
Harry doesn't argue. Leonard needs to be with his daughter.
Leaving the room, and exiting the Hospital, he inadvertently enters the closest pub.
He takes a risk apparating in his conditions, but he does it anyway and exclaims in victory when he opens his eyes and realizes he's at Hermione's living room. "AHA!"
"Harry?" She calls from somewhere inside. "Where have you been?" She comes into the living room, hands on her waist, her face angry. "I was worried sick! I had to warn St. Mungo's I wouldn't be able to be there today! You were supposed to be here two hours ago taking care of Rachel!"
He blinks at her, his mind fuzzy. She looks so angry. Harry laughs out loud. Hermione widens her eyes.
"Are you drunk?" She asks, her voice high to his sensible ears. He shrugs, smiling, enjoying the numbness of being almost wasted. "You apparated in these conditions? What were you thinking, Harry!?" She comes closer and shoves him down on the couch. He laughs again, but stops abruptly, everything is spinning so fast. Before he can stop himself he's hurling on the floor, his stomach hurting and his eyes filling with tears. "Merlin!" Hermione exclaims. He leans back on the sofa, closing his eyes and fisting his hands, his head is already throbbing. "What the hell happened?" He hears her, but he can't find the words to answer.
He wants to disappear. To explode into a billion pieces.
But he feels exactly the opposite as a wave of fresh air and soberness invades him instantly. He grunts. He's afraid to open his eyes, but he does it. Hermione has her arms crossed, her expression furious, her wand sticking out from her front pocket. Harry gulps and lifts a hand. "I'm sorry." He grunts at his own words, sick of saying them.
"You better have an amazing explanation for this." Her tone is so sharp he recoils a bit.
"Leonard." That seems to throw her off. "I was at the Hospital with Tessa and he showed up."
"Oh." It's all she says as she sits by his side. Opposed to what he thought she would do, Hermione doesn't take his hand or hug him, she doesn't try soothing him in any way and he can't deny it hurts. "I should go there, then." She whispers more to herself than to him. "I want to talk to him, see him. Talk about Tessa."
"Hermione, I-"
She gets up fast. "I don't want to talk to you right now, Harry." She sighs. "I know it may seem harsh of me. I get you have a problem with my uncle, but I'm suffering too, you know? I'm handling a lot on my own, but I never leave you hanging, I never promise you something and behave differently. And today I was counting on you to be here so I could get to work in time." She walks away from him. "I'm going to see my uncle. Rachel is taking her nap. I have no idea how long I'll be there."
And after a while he hears her apparating. "Fuck." He mumbles alone in the living room.
July 5th, 2001
Today Rachel is one year and three months old. I gave her a tiny piece of chocolate cake. I confess. She loved it.
Your father finally appeared. I guess my owl found him after all. I talked with him about Rachel, but he said he doesn't want to have any kind of relationship with her. I'm sorry, Tess. This sucks beyond measure. But in a way maybe it's for the best… this way Harry can be with his daughter without the shadow of Leonard lurking and imposing things on her upbring. Your father said he'll be the one taking care of you from now on, he wanted to ban Harry from St. George's, but after I had a long argument with him, he gave up on the idea, however, I guess it'll be a lot harder to visit you from now on. But I'll come whenever I can and I think Harry will too.
We had a little fight the other day. Me and Harry. It was our first since our lives changed completely almost a month ago. I'm sure it won't be our last.
She finds him staring at the door. The door which leads to the room she almost forgot even existed since Tessa was the one who used it. He turns his head to look at her, his eyes unsure. Since their little misunderstanding they haven't talked much, their only interactions regarding things for or about Rachel. Mostly because she was still angry with him, still baffled by his irresponsibility. But now, watching him observing the door, she feels her resentment melting away and she moves closer. He raises an eyebrow. They're both home today and they celebrated another month in Rachel's life with a little cake. Rachel clapped her hands and they smiled sincerely after days of tension.
"I totally forgot about this room." She says standing by his side, her eyes on the door too. "I mean, it's hidden here and Tessa was the one who used it." She gulps. Talking about Tessa in the past is so strange and… unfair. And wrong.
"What's inside?" He crosses his arms in front of him, protecting himself. Hermione noticed how he avoids touching anything that belongs to Tessa. Yes, he's sleeping in her room, but he doesn't dare make it his room. He's waiting for her to come back.
Hermione doesn't answer, it'll be easier if she shows him. Taking two steps forward she turns the knob and the door opens smoothly. The room is dark and she turns on the lights, Harry is entering behind her, his eyes taking everything in. Whoever enters this room always have the same reaction. Mouth open, eyes wide and an exclamation of amazement. Harry do all these things, but he also purses his lips to stop his tears.
"I had no idea." He says softly.
She doesn't say a thing, her own eyes going over everything. She feels sad. Harry moves closer to her and in a blink his arms are around her. Hermione sighs, closing her eyes and breathing him in. He does the same. They stay in their comfortable embrace for a long time, both knowing they're apologizing for what happened a few days ago. He was irresponsible and she was too harsh. And that's okay.
She's the first one who takes a step back, smiling at him. Harry kisses her forehead.
"I'll leave you." She says, but he shakes his head.
"No. Stay here with me." She gulps and nods. They sit on a few chairs scattered around, but there's silence between them. Hermione has no idea what Harry is thinking while he sits there.
The room is filled with portraits of photos Tessa took over the last year. Most of them are her professional photographs of landscapes, of the moon, of the city, Stonehenge, Greenwich, Oxford, countryside, strangers in the tube and the street and so on. But the wall Harry has his eyes glued on is filled with incredibly beautiful images of Rachel. When she was just a newborn baby, then a little bigger and so on. There's at least one photo for every month. Hermione chokes, crying. Harry turns his head to her, his hand taking hers.
"It's the first month she's not here to take a picture of Rachel." Harry lowers his head and gets up, his hands going through the photos on the table. He takes hold of a camera that's on it.
"Well," His voice is shaking. "Let's do it, then."
He stands there, camera in hand, chin shivering and a discreet smile on his face. He's waiting for an answer and Hermione nods, getting up too, both exiting the room.
Rachel is already on her feet inside her crib and she yells when she sees them. Her hands grabbing the bars while she moves up and down, excited to be up after her nap. Hermione takes the camera from Harry when he takes Rachel in his arms, talking gently to her and smiling… that smile. She doesn't think twice, raising the camera to her eyes, she snaps the picture of both while the little girl tries biting Harry's nose. He blinks at Hermione, surprised she already took the photograph. She shrugs. He shrugs. Both chuckle.
"Let me take one of you two." He says and she hesitates. It's again that feeling she told Ginny… like she's taking Tessa's place, doing things her cousin should be doing, not her. "Come on." Harry extends his hand and she gives him the camera, Rachel in her arms and the unmistakable shriek of 'Mi' coming out of her. It takes a few beats for him to snap the photo. "More cake?" He asks gently and Rachel tries an 'yes' while she nods her head just to be sure.
It's a pleasant and uneventful afternoon.
He finds himself wide awake in the middle of the night. It still feels strange to be there, like his life isn't real. It's been almost a month, but the pain hasn't decreased not even a little, in fact, it's deeper than ever. It feels like torture sleeping in her room without her. Her things are everywhere. He doesn't touch them, he doesn't want to misplace anything, doesn't want to invade her personal space without her permission, but…
He sighs, getting up and heading to the living room. He stops at Rachel's door to observe her sleep. She looks peaceful and relaxed, not a problem in the whole world. He can't help smiling. Not shutting the door entirely, he enters the living room and stops. Hermione is there laying on the couch and reading. She doesn't seem to notice him and he watches her for a minute. "Hey." He says and she lifts her head, a little smile on her face.
"Hey," She closes the book. Harry sees the title. Pride and Prejudice. "Couldn't sleep either?"
He nods, getting closer and motioning to sit on the couch, she moves to rearrange herself to give him more space, but he stops her, his hands catching her legs and positioning them over his lap. "What's on your mind?" He asks her. Harry knows she has the day off tomorrow and he's not sure if she has something planned or-
"Ron." Her voice is low. He turns his head to look at her, his hands still resting on her legs. "I kinda of miss him, I guess." He lets the words travel in the air. She's been quiet about what happened between her and Ron, and Harry hopes she's finally ready to talk with him, open up. "I mean, I guess ending a relationship is always hard, right? I was used to his presence and our evenings together."
"So, it's really over?" He dares asking. There's no way of knowing for sure with these two.
"Yes." She sighs, her eyes sad. Something tugs inside him and he gently squeezes her leg. "He said there was no way of him accepting us living together." She makes a face. "It feels like the hunt all over again." The thought surprises Harry. "He constantly wants me to choose between you two." She shakes her head. "He doesn't understand how our friendship has nothing to do with my relationship with him. Well, I got tired of explaining. If he can't even understand this extreme situation there's nothing I can do." Her tone is final and he nods. "But I miss him as a friend, though."
"Yeah, I guess I do too."
"And the sex." She says faintly. Harry widens his eyes. They burst into a muffled laugh while she shrugs. "What? I'm being honest."
There's a silence then. But it's not uncomfortable, it's just right. But Harry's mind can't help going to a place he rejects as much as he can: Hermione is a beautiful woman. And she just brought the image of her having sex and- "How you've been, Harry? Really?" Her question comes out of nowhere shutting down his inconvenient thoughts. Hermione never asks him this so openly because he's sure she can tell by just looking at him. But now she's asking and he has no problem with it, none at all. It's like she's the only one allowed to ask him that.
"Terrible." She nods. "It's hard to breathe. All. The. Time." He lets out a heavy breath. "I keep thinking about her, about the way things happened and how all could have been so different if I'd stayed two years ago." He shuts his mouth. Hermione brings her legs to her, sitting closer to him. "Leonard said it was all my fault." He glances at her and she's shaking her head, the way she vehemently rejects the idea soothing him. "I'm not sure how to feel about it, what to think."
"It's not your fault. And you know that." Her voice is firm, bossy. "In fact, it's no one's fault, there's no way of predicting the future, Harry. Things happened how they were supposed to and now we have to deal with it."
"Is she ever waking up, Hermione?" He looks at her as if she can actually hold the answer. She presses her lips together.
"I don't know, Harry. We can only hope."
He runs his hands through his hair. "Sometimes I feel bad when I'm happy, you know? Today, for example. I mean I was over the moon celebrating another month in my daughter's life, feeling fine but… it felt wrong. Like I wasn't allowed to feel good because Tessa isn't here, because she's not here celebrating her daughter's life. Does it make sense?"
"More than you can imagine." She looks down. "I've been feeling the same, actually. And it's so strange. I know Tessa wouldn't want that, wouldn't want me to feel bad about taking care of her daughter or anything of the sort."
He nods, agreeing. "I guess having all her stuff around doesn't help much." Harry says. "Don't get me wrong. Of course I want her to wake up, but if we're really doing this, Hermione, really living together and taking care of Rachel… Tessa's absence is everywhere. It makes things harder." He gulps. He hopes she doesn't get the wrong impression about what he's saying, but it's maddening seeing Tessa's stuff laying around.
"I get what you mean. You don't need my permission to move her things, Harry, you know that."
"I know." He sighs. "I don't want it to feel like I'm giving up on getting her back, but-"
"But it hurts. I get it." She bites her nail. "Would you feel better if we waited another month? I mean, if she doesn't wake by then we… we'll put away her things. Store magically in boxes inside the photograph room. What do you think?"
"Yeah. Let's do that." It would make him feel a thousand times better. "Thank you." She smiles. Another silence falls between them. Hermione breaks it again.
"I've been writing to her." They share a meaningful look. "It makes me feel better in a way. Maybe you can find something similar to… let it all out." He bites the inside of his cheeks.
"That's not a bad idea." He scratches his head. "What if… I could take photos. Of Rachel. Of our lives together? A way of registering everything? For her to see it later?" He smiles to himself, happy with his own idea. He felt good today doing something Tessa liked, he felt closer to her in a way.
Hermione nods enthusiastically. "Yes! That's amazing, Harry." She smiles fondly. Harry takes her hand, again needing to touch her, feel her, be sure she's there with him. She lets him and there's another silence. It's just so easy to be with Hermione, to talk to her, to share everything…
"I-" If he doesn't tell her this, he's sure it will eat him up eventually, "I've been wanting to tell you something." She waits for him to continue. "A week ago, when we were at Draco and Ginny's I noticed that Rachel's intelligence for an one year old bothered me. At first I didn't understand and didn't give it much thought, but it's been crossing my mind frequently and I guess I know why I felt so uncomfortable." Hermione is knitting her brows, her face confused. "I never realized how a child so young could comprehend so well the world around her…" He sighs. "When Voldemort killed my parents I was practically the same age as she is now." It dawns on Hermione what he's saying and she squeezes his hand. "Maybe she can't talk or communicate properly, but this little girl comprehends everything, she feels everything. I have no idea, and I can't be sure of how what happened with my parents truly affected me." He sighs. "But I can tell how what happened to Tessa affects Rachel. I'm lucky I have you, Hermione. Lucky to have such an amazing best friend that is helping me take care of my daughter. Helping her go through this the best way possible, with love and affection." He's crying. "I don't know what I would do without you." He chokes.
She moves closer to him, her eyes wet. They hug. "I'll always be here, Harry."
He knows she can't know that for sure, but he believes her nonetheless.