January 8th, 2002

It's been a terrible week for me, Tess. I'm not sure why, I guess there's a lot on my mind lately. The holidays went by and I spent New Year with Noah in a cabin his family owns in the woods. It was amazing, yet… strange. I missed Rachel and our life all the time for the week I was there. I found myself wondering what Harry and Rachel were doing and thinking if they needed something, imagining if Harry would know how to prepare Rachel's food exactly how I do it, or if she was going to cry noticing my absence. I think since she was born I never stayed away from her for so long. And it broke my heart. Tore me apart. I'm having a difficult time dealing with this. I came back four days ago and I feel odd. Harry seems angry with me - and I have no idea why - but Rachel is more loving than ever. I haven't talked to Noah after we came back either. I might need some distance from him to sort this out.

I knew I was going to miss her, but I never imagined it would feel like this, like a piece of me was lost. But… I missed Harry immensely too and the feeling was so different from the other times I missed him that I'm afraid to think about it. Afraid to look into this and discover something that shouldn't be there. So, yeah, I won't think.

Christmas was a blast. The Weasleys threw an amazing party and we all had fun. Ron wasn't there. I don't know where he is and I don't ask either. If he wanted me to know he would tell me. But I don't have the energy or time in my life anymore to worry about Ron and his tantrums. I just wished our relationship had meant more to him.

But I'm avoiding the main issue here. In a week Ginny is coming to reassess our situation regarding Rachel. I barely sleep thinking about it. I imagine Harry will be moving out with her… and I just wished the mere thought of it didn't break my heart. But it does. And it hurts.

I miss you. More and more every day.

January 13th, 2002

Harry's out. She's sure he's with Sofia, the ridiculously good looking woman from Draco's team. Harry told Hermione all about it. How he liked spending time with Sofia and how easygoing she was. He said he has no intention on dating and Sofia is apparently on the same page, so, Hermione knows they're sharing a kind of 'friends with benefits' thing. Harry seems calmer and a little happier. She's glad for him.

However, right now her mind is elsewhere. Rachel just called her 'mama' again. It gave her a thrill of happiness mixed with guilt and sadness that Hermione doesn't know if she's able to handle. It happened a few times already, but in all of them they were alone and Hermione couldn't bring herself to tell anyone else about it. She never encouraged Rachel, but she confesses she didn't correct the little girl either. Biting on her nail she watches Rachel eating on her chair. She'll have to tell Ginny about it. And Harry will know.

Hermione sighs and swallows the lump in her throat, her food getting cold in front of her. "Rach, baby," She leans into the girl's view. "You know I love you, don't you? I love you with all my heart." She kisses her little head. Rachel is paying attention. "But I'm not your mama, okay? Tessa is your mama. You know? The lady from the photos?" They've been showing Rachel pictures of Tessa frequently. Now that she can understand things better they're considering taking her to the Hospital to visit Tessa. She needs to be aware of it. Needs to know that her mother is there in a way.

Rachel's answer is, "Mama!" and a smile. Hermione smiles too, but she's desperate inside.

"No, Rach. I'm not your mama. I'm Mi." She points to herself and repeats 'Mi', but the little girl is focused on her food now.

A tear runs down Hermione's cheek. The situation is clearly not ideal and it angers her. Because if she's totally honest with herself, she feels like Rachel's mother. She takes care of her, she sleeps with her, she feeds her, she teaches her everything and she loves her so much it's unbearable… she would die for this little girl. Getting up fast from the table, Hermione tries holding back the tears and the guilt. Her biggest fear from the start was exactly this: feeling like she was taking Tessa's place. And she's not sure she can live with herself if that happens. Maybe the best is for them to leave. And she also feels guilty for considering it. She doesn't want them to go, but what if it's for the best?

She's ugly crying now and Harry apparates right in front of her. Hermione turns fast on her heels, but not fast enough. "Hermione?" Shit. She's not ready to talk about this, not ready to deal with what may come out of this conversation. She brushes her tears with an unnecessary force and breathes heavily. Harry's right behind her, but she doesn't turn.

"I don't wanna talk about it, Harry." Her voice is thin, broken.

She hears him sighing and her heart jolts in surprise when he wraps his arms around her, his body pressing against her back. It's meant to be a friendly and supportive embrace, but she's frozen for a few beats, only then relaxing and lowering her head. His hands and arms are strong and protective around her waist, his presence breathtaking and overwhelming for a moment as she inhales his scent.

"Are you worried about what Ginny is going to say?" His voice is deep and close to her ear. She bites hard on her lip. She never felt this way because of his proximity, but this hug is different. She can tell. She just hopes she doesn't start shaking.

"Yes." His arms tighten around her.

"If you want me to stay, I'll stay. Regardless of what Ginny says."

She inhales sharply. "Are you sure?" She dares asking and he turns her in his arms. Hermione swallows hard when she realizes how close they're. Like, really. She thinks for two seconds if raising her eyes to meet his is the best idea, but then she does it anyway and the intensity of his stare almost takes her breath away.

"Yes." He murmurs. It's just one word. One single and simple word but they mean the world. And Merlin, they're so close. In an instant she lets her eyes fall to his mouth. No. Don't. She takes a step back, but his arms are still around her and Harry holds Hermione there. She raises an eyebrow and he does the same, tilting his head. What's happening? She sees as clear as day when his eyes fall to her mouth, then back to her eyes. There's a question there, she knows. I can't do this. She tries taking a step back again and this time he lets her. Both sigh.

"Well, I mean," She clears her throat. "You know there's no problem for me if you stay. And I'm so used to Rachel I don't even know how to live in a house without a child anymore." She shrugs. Her heart is beating fast. Was he thinking about kissing me?

Harry blinks a few times and smiles, finally moving and coming to sit by Rachel's side. She's still eating, not paying them much attention since she's determined to make a full mess of her vegetables. "Hey, sweetie." Harry kisses her head.

"Dada!" She yells and points at him. Hermione sits in front of them and Rachel turns to her. Hermione closes her eyes, knowing what's coming. "Mama!"

She purses her lips. Harry is staring at her with a frown. "That's aunt Mi, sweetie, you know that." He says gently, but the little girl insists on the 'mama'. "What's going on?" Harry asks Hermione.

She feels like crying. "I don't know. I never told her to call me that, she's done it a few times now and I-" She shrugs, unsure and anxious. But… Harry smiles.

"Well, lets talk to Ginny about it."

Hermione just nods and they fall into their routine as if nothing had happened.

January 15th, 2002

He's nervous. He's not entirely sure why. He said he's not leaving if Hermione doesn't want him to, but he's curious to hear what Ginny has to say. She's been following Rachel's growth and writing monthly observations, keeping her eye on them and analyzing the situation. Rachel is almost two years old now, so, she changed a lot since Tessa's accident. It's like she understands everything they say and she can recognize objects and people very well, not to say that her vocabulary is bigger and she's always trying to babble every word they say to her.

Is this arrangement the best for her? In his heart Harry knows it is, that's why he doesn't want to leave either. His friendship with Hermione is a strong pillar to Rachel's development as a child. The fact that Hermione is Tessa's cousin is also important, she's family and Harry can't think of a better person to raise a child. Hermione is responsible and strict, but also gentle and caring. She does every little thing with great love and it warms Harry's insides to watch Hermione giving all her best traits to his daughter.

He glances at the clock. Ginny will be there in ten minutes. Hermione is finishing dressing Rachel and Harry drums his fingers on the kitchen isle, waiting. He's not sure what's happening between him and Hermione. She's still with Ned but he knows she felt something the other day, he saw the way she looked at him and there was desire there. He's sure. But their situation is so complicated he's afraid of thinking about it. They're not only best friends, but they're also raising a child together, and not any child… his daughter with Hermione's cousin that's in a coma. He chuckles humorlessly. And wouldn't it be confusing for Rachel? She's already calling Hermione 'mama'. We just can't.

He drums his fingers stronger against the isle. But what if we want to? He sets his jaw. Hermione stepped back from him. Maybe she thought about her boyfriend and realized they were being carried away by their proximity. He will never know if he doesn't ask her. He grunts. It's frustrating because he knows he'll never ask. Maybe he already knows her answer: 'What are you talking about, Harry?'

And Tessa.

He still thinks about her, not as much as he once did, but she's always there. Rachel looks like her. It's an undeniable reminder. He also visits her still, but since Leonard took over her treatment and care, Harry is not allowed more than one visit per week. It saddens him to imagine how things would be if she were there, well and healthy. Harry feels like a piece of his heart will always belong to Tessa, but since he hooked up with Sofia, he understood that his life has to continue, he's there, he needs to keep living. If nothing, he owes that to Tessa, he knows she would be making the best of her life if she was capable of it.

Hermione steps into the kitchen with Rachel and gives him a tight smile. They don't talk, both on the edge. But he observes her as she moves, he wants to drink in every detail. Her hair, her eyes, her brows coming together in question as she opens the fridge, her delicate hands holding the juice, her nose, then her mouth, her lips. She's so beautiful. He looks down the moment Hermione turns to him, her eyes catching him staring at her. He doesn't say anything and she sits, her whole attention on the glass of juice in her hand. He thinks about the week she spent with Ned and how angry he felt… it was like they were missing something important, missing a time they were supposed to be spending together. The three of them. Rachel calls to Hermione, the 'mama' coming out of her naturally. Harry sees as Hermione flinches and his heart squeezes when she takes Rachel in her lap and offers her some juice, both smiling.

He wished he was holding his camera. The need to register the moment consuming him. And why not? He flicks his wrist and the camera comes to his hand and in a second he snaps the photo of them. Hermione blinks surprised and Rachel giggles wanting to hold the camera. Harry shrugs shyly but before they can say anything Ginny is there.

"Where is my favorite case?" She calls in a mocking way. Harry holds Hermione's gaze for two seconds before getting up and calling to Ginny. Hermione takes Rachel and they head to the living room.

It's all good while they talk as friends, the tension leaving his body in small doses, but then when Ginny puts on her business face he freezes inside. However, he manages to sit by Hermione's side, instinctively searching for her hand, squeezing it tightly. Ginny fixes her eyes on their jointed hands and Harry feels Hermione pulling away, but he doesn't let her, he holds her there and Ginny clears her throat, sitting in front of them and smiling at Rachel sitting on Hermione's lap.

"So," Ginny begins, "As always I'll be as direct as possible. I just wished all my cases were as easy and good as this one, really. Just by looking at Rachel I know she's loved and taken care of, and since I'm your friend I also know how you dedicate yourselves entirely to her well-being. You've fallen into a nice routine and stability is key in a situation like this. Soon she'll be two years and now she's capable of understanding a lot more." Ginny stops, crossing her legs and sighing. "The situation still sucks, her mother is not here, but… Harry if you wish to leave I don't think it's going to be bad for her." He inhales sharply and Hermione squeezes his hand, but Ginny goes on, not noticing their reactions or just ignoring them, "Rachel spends most of her time with you since Hermione works like crazy. She had the chance of knowing you and now she won't feel as much if she leaves this place and Hermione."

Ginny stops and a heavy silence takes over the room. Hermione is looking down and his heart races when she starts talking.

"I understand. And I get it, I mean, if Harry wishes to leave, if you think it won't be bad for Rachel-"

"Well," Ginny cuts her. "Not bad, but not ideal either. I mean, she needs both of you. I'm just saying that if Harry wants to leave it won't be the end of the world." Ginny shrugs. "It's up to you, really." Her eyes are bright and there's some mischief in them that confuses Harry.

"I'll stay, then." He says fast. Maybe too fast as Ginny opens a big smile… he narrows his eyes at her. What are you up to, Ginevra?

"Do you agree, Hermione?" Ginny asks and Hermione turns to look at her, she's biting her lower lip…

"I-" Hermione sighs and tugs her hand away from his. Harry frowns. "Look, I want Rachel to stay more than anything else," He tries not reacting as Hermione doesn't mention him, "but she's been calling me mama and I don't want to confuse her more. Maybe they should leave, I don't know." She grunts. Harry can't believe her words. She said she wanted me to stay. He's confused.

"She's been calling you mama?" Ginny asks with both eyebrows up. "Well, it's not unusual. It happens sometimes, but have you been encouraging her?"

"No!" Hermione shakes her head vehemently. "Of course not, Gin. I would never. Tessa is her mother."

The words hang in the room and Harry closes his eyes. Tessa.

"Look, let's not worry about it, okay? If she wants to call you mama, let her. But you're mama Mi." Ginny gives them a pointed look. "Explain that her mama is Tessa and right now she's at the Hospital. Don't hide the situation from her… we don't know if Tessa is ever waking up, but there's no doubt that Rachel needs to know everything. The sooner you explain, the better."

Harry nods, Rachel is trying to escape Hermione's arms to play or run around, but Hermione seems lost, also confused. Harry takes Rachel and Hermione looks up at him, her eyes bright. He purses his lips. Ginny is already saying her goodbyes and in a blink they're alone again.

"Harry-"

"Look-"

They stop and he puts Rachel on the floor, the little girl darting away from them, searching for her toys. Hermione sighs.

"I'm serious." She says. "What if you staying here is just going to confuse Rachel? I just want what's best for her-"

"You're the best for her." His voice is firm and deep and Hermione widens her eyes. "We'll explain everything to her, Hermione. Don't worry about it if that's your concern. I mean… if it's not that, if you want us to leave-"

She gets up fast, her hands on his arms. "No." They're standing close and the moment lingers as her hands travel a little up and then down his arms, up and down, their eyes locked. "I want you to stay." Her voice is barely there, a whisper between them. Harry gulps. In a bold move he lets his hands travel to her waist, but he doesn't bring her closer. Her hands are going up and up his arms now, reaching his shoulders and then his neck, stopping there, unsure. He feels himself getting hotter and hotter, the air around them closing in. Harry finally brings her closer and realizes how much he wants to kiss her.

But they don't act on it. They don't dare.

The moment seems infinite as a thousand things go through his mind. Reasons why they shouldn't. But he finds himself not caring. His heart is beating fast and his whole being is set on feeling the softness of her lips pressed against his.

"Tessa." Hermione murmurs and shakes her head. Harry sighs. Tessa is between them. She always will be. He lowers his head and takes a step from her, her hands falling away from his neck and the absence of her warmth making him grit his teeth. "And I think…" Hermione begins, unsure, "I think that we're confused, Harry. I mean, our love for Rachel brought us even closer than we ever were, but maybe it's just that, you know? And we practically live as a couple. You can't say it isn't a little messy." She's affirming. "We're best friends." Her tone is final, saying that there's nothing more there, nothing else, they're just getting carried away.

"I guess." He whispers. She doesn't want this. "You're right. And I'm sorry." He says fast, wanting to erase any awkwardness between them. "Stuff like this won't happen again. Ever." He gestures between them. He's not sure, but she recoils a little at that.

"Yes, of course." She says fast. "A hug, then?"

Harry closes the gap between them. A hug is nice, is something they're used to, something familiar and natural. But he never noticed how her body fits so perfectly to his, it's also the first time he's very aware of her breasts pressed against his chest, not to mention the way she's soft and little compared to his frame, igniting in him an urge to shield her from any harm. He buries his head in her hair and stops a groan at the back of his throat. She smells heavenly. And her fingers are threading through his hair in a maddening way, her nails scrapping his scalp gently. He can tell her heart is as fast as his. He wants to stay there.

But again, she takes a step back. He sighs. They don't look at each other. "I'll check on Rachel." She says before leaving.

Harry tries convincing himself of his own words. Failing.

February 18th, 2002

Tess, I feel I might blow up if I don't talk about this with you. I've been avoiding it, ignoring it, whatever you wanna call, but I just can't anymore. So here it goes: I think I might feel something for Harry. And not just that love we feel for our best friends. No. It's more. And it's killing me. I don't know what to do or how to behave. We've been awkward near each other for over a month now since we almost kissed. And I feel guilty and bad about it. But I also feel like I failed you, I'm the worst cousin ever, a traitor. Because I was there, Tess. I was there when you met and I saw how much you loved each other. I saw how Harry was happy with you, how he was prepared to give you the world and I saw how you looked at him. I watched you leave your father for him, watched you wait and long for him for two years, Tess. You have a daughter together… and when he came back, his only desire was to meet you, to be with you.

Harry might think he's feeling something for me now, but I find it hard to trust in this because… I know, I just KNOW, that if you were here, there wouldn't be even the tiniest chance of me and Harry happening. He doesn't want me. He never did, Tess. And I don't want to take any kind of advantage in a moment like this. I think us raising Rachel together is confusing because sometimes it feels like we're family. But we're not. Not really.

So, yeah. I'm keeping my distance from him. I'm sure this will go away eventually.

I miss you.

March 12th, 2002

"You're burning up." Harry whispers as his hand presses against Rachel's neck and forehead. He thinks it might be the first time she has a fever. He frowns. Hermione's at the Hospital so he doesn't think twice about seizing Rachel and heading there.

The moment he arrives, he looks out for her, knowing she's going to be at the third floor. But to his utter annoyance, Ned finds him first.

"Oh, Harry." Ned says. "Is everything alright?" He glances at Rachel. The little girl is beaten down. Harry noticed she wasn't feeling well the moment she woke up. Rachel barely had the strength to get out of bed and then she refused any food he tried feeding her, not to say that she cracked just one smile at him - which is totally off. He waited a while before freaking out, but when he noticed how hot she was…

It's nerve wracking, different from anything he ever felt.

"Where's Hermione?" He doesn't bother actually answering Ned.

"She's getting out of a surgery." He looks at his watch. "Actually I think she's done. Come, I'll lead you to her." Harry nods and feels a bit bad for treating Noah so poorly. The man is nice.

They walk fast till the end of the corridor and Harry breathes relieved when he spots Hermione coming from a stair holding a croissant in one hand with a book in the other, her eyes going fast as she reads.

"Love," Ned calls to her and it annoys Harry the way she promptly looks up at him. "Harry's here." Hermione frowns and finally sees him. It takes her seconds to understand this is about Rachel.

"What's wrong?" She asks as she hands the croissant and the book to Ned, her hands already seizing the girl from Harry's arms, her eyes worried. "Merlin, she's burning up." She kisses Rachel's head and Harry hears the faint 'mama'. "Let me exam her, it will take a few minutes." Harry nods, his heart trashing inside his chest. He never felt something close to this. He feels powerless as he watches Noah and Hermione entering an examination room and closing the door.

He paces in the corridor, no one daring telling him he couldn't be there. When Hermione finally opens the door, Rachel's in her arms. Just by looking at her Harry knows it's nothing major, but still.

"So?" He asks, his voice desperate.

"It's an ear infection." Hermione sighs. "It hurts a lot." She scrunches her face and Harry purses his lips. "But she'll feel better tomorrow, I already gave her some healing potion and I think the fever will subside in a few hours." Rachel is hugging Hermione's neck, her eyes closed.

"You can go if you want." Ned says. "I'll cover for you."

Harry watches Hermione beaming at Ned, nodding and pressing her lips to his. "Thank you. I owe you."

Ned gives her a suggestive smile. "That you do." They chuckle and she turns to Harry, her face serious again.

Harry clears his throat and shoves down the irritation he's feeling. He says goodbye to Noah like a decent man and then he heads out with Hermione and Rachel, his hand instinctively going to Hermione's lower back as he steers them out of the Hospital.

To his relief Hermione was able to make Rachel eat. His daughter is already loads better and he smiles while he prepares some popcorn. They decided on watching a Disney animation with her. Hermione is already settled on the couch, Rachel nestled on the crook of her body.

Harry hands Hermione the popcorn - he knows how much she loves it - and she smiles in return. He sits with Rachel between them. He presses 'play' fast enough and 'The Little Mermaid' starts. He actually watches the movie, getting so caught up by it that he can't help rooting for Ariel and Eric to kiss and have their happy ending. That's exactly what he's saying when he notices no one is answering him. Harry frowns and then realizes both are fast asleep by his side.

He smiles fondly. Rachel is hugging Hermione, practically lying above her with her little mouth hanging open and her face a mess of bits of popcorn. He chuckles, then his eyes fall on Hermione…

He gulps, not knowing what to think. Their relationship has been strange since they almost kissed. It got better this last month, but still. He can tell when she stops herself from touching him or when she avoids looking into his eyes, she doesn't even get near him these days. He exhales heavily. Hermione looks so serene while she sleeps, relaxed and free of concerns. Her mouth is slightly open and Harry allows himself to observe her. Her arms are hugging Rachel close and his eyes fall from her lips to her jaw, her neck, then lower. He purses his lips and shakes his head. She made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to mess with their friendship, and Harry agrees with her to some degree, maybe he's confused and that's just it… but how does he stop his heart from beating faster every time he looks at her? How does he stop itching to feel her skin under his touch? How does he stop thinking about her? Or being jealous of her boyfriend? Because that's it, isn't it? He's freaking jealous of the guy.

He rubs his hands together, his eyes going back to her. Maybe he should steal this moment to himself and that's it. Maybe that's what they're and always will be. Best friends. He'll watch her get married to Ned and have a bunch of kids with him. He grunts. The mere thought gives him a headache. And then there's Tessa. Oh, fuck. Knowing Hermione he's sure Tessa comes first, above any kind of attraction they might be feeling.

Maybe he needs to see Sofia more often. Maybe it's just a sexual tension that will go away eventually. Yeah, maybe that's it. He feels better after convincing himself of that.

He should wake Hermione and take Rachel to her crib, but he leans back on the couch, his eyes on the perfect picture of them together. He moves his wrist and his camera comes to him. He does a magic trick for the flash not to bother their rest and takes the photo. There's a lump in his throat and he swallows it.

Maybe he'll just watch them a little longer.

April 5th, 2002

I can't say how much I miss you, Tess. Rachel is turning two today and I woke up thinking about you, thinking about how excited you surely would be on this day. I thought about the day she was born and how emotional we felt. She was just the tiniest baby with wrinkled and cute hands and feet. And I've been in love with her since the first time I laid eyes on this precious girl. I'm sure she misses you too. She's calling me 'mama' and I'm sorry about this, Tess, you have no idea. But I always explain everything to her, and so does Harry. We talk about you all the time. She knows you're her mother. But I can't deny I feel like a mother to her too.

We plan on spending the day just the three of us. I suggested we took Rachel to the playground near by and then we could eat some cake or ice cream. Ice cream is her new obsession.

Things between me and Harry are going back to normal. See? I was sure it would go away.

Come back to us.

It's a nice day and he's feeling good. Yes, things are not ideal, but since it's Rachel's birthday, all he wants to think about is how much he loves his daughter and how happy she looks while he pushes the swing. She squeals in delight every time she goes higher and his smile opens automatically, his happiness wired to hers in the most sincere way. The playground is almost empty with only a few other kids running around or playing in the sandbox. Rachel is having the time of her life and Harry is sure that he'll come back here more often. He didn't know there was a place so nice this close to the flat, Hermione just told him a few days ago when they were planning what to do on Rachel's day.

He sighs. Things between them are going back to normal slowly, as if nothing happened. Harry's not sure if this is what he wants or not. Yes, he missed talking freely with Hermione - she's my best friend - but just letting it go seems wrong… seems like the easy way out. He purses his lips as he watches Hermione walking towards them, she went on her own to grab some ice cream and as she approaches holding two cones and smiling at Rachel, he wished he could hold her hand and kiss her cheek like it was second nature. No. Don't go there. He promised himself he wouldn't dwell on his thoughts of Hermione today, so he quickly shuts them down when she stops in front of them.

Rachel immediately raises her arms when she spots the ice cream as she tries to say the words together with the 'mama'. Harry chuckles and stops the swing, his hands helping her out of it and steading her on the floor. In a beat she's by Hermione's side, holding her cone with one hand, the other clasped with Hermione's as they walk to the closest bench to eat their ice cream. He follows them and sits with both, his eyes going back to Hermione without his consent. She seems unaware that he's watching her and when her tongue darts out to lick the ice cream, he gulps and shifts his gaze to the floor. Oh, shit. Clearing his throat he tries searching for something to say.

"Are you having fun, sweetie?" He decides focusing on Rachel, a safer ground. The girl nods, her face already covered with chocolate, but she barely gives him any attention, she's totally invested in eating this delicious and frozen treat.

He crosses his arms and forces his gaze to stay on the horizon as he watches the other kids. There's a comfortable silence between them and Hermione breaks it. "I can't believe you don't like ice cream, Harry." He doesn't turn to look at her but he knows she's smiling, teasing him. "It's just preposterous. Isn't it, Rachel? Dada doesn't like ice cream!" Rachel shrieks and yells a little 'no'. Hermione chuckles and he finally turns to look at them. He shouldn't have. Hermione is looking at him, her eyes on his while her tongue goes over the vanilla ice cream very slowly. He knows she sees how his eyes follow the motion, he knows she's aware of how he stops breathing. With an incredible effort his eyes go back to hers and she tilts her head innocently. What are you playing, Hermione? He can see the way the side of her mouth curves into a smile even if she tries to hide it.

He lets out a long breath and clears his throat. Fine, but you called for it. "Oh, no, it's just too cold for me. I prefer sticking my tongue into warmer things." He holds his laugh at the way Hermione widens her eyes. He tries not thinking about the blush that runs up her neck while she gazes at the floor. He tried making her uncomfortable but now he's imagining scenarios he really shouldn't: Like his head between her legs and-

"More!" Rachel shrieks and Hermione snorts.

"That's enough, sweetie." She says. "Do you want to go pick a balloon?" Rachel says 'yes' and they get up, Hermione cleaning Rachel's face with a napkin as she asks Harry: "Maybe we can go to Hyde Park later?"

He doesn't get why, but Hermione loves that park. He nods and holds Rachel's hand as they head to the little store to pick a balloon. He's still reeling about the exchange he just had with Hermione when she says:

"I wish Tessa were here."

He glances at her. She looks sad now and he lets her words sink in for a moment. It hurts so deep to think about Tessa that he prefers not doing it, but he can't deny how much he also wished she were there. With him. With her daughter. With our daughter. He immediately feels guilty about the way his mind has been so consumed by Hermione that Tessa became secondary in a way. His mood takes a swift turn and he begins questioning what the hell he's doing entertaining the thought of him and Hermione. It's never going to happen and even if it did… there's Tessa. He doesn't know if he's capable of forgetting about her completely and… Hermione deserves someone who can be with her entirely, not by half.

He clears his throat. "You know what?" His voice is low and Hermione steps closer to hear him. "I think I want to go to St. George's with Rachel. Visit Tessa."

Hermione nods, her face serious. "Yeah, I think it's a good idea, and my shift begins a little later today so-"

"No." He says. "I mean… just me and Rachel." The hurt in her eyes makes him regret his words in a second, but something in him is behaving like a sadistic monster. Tessa is the one he loved. Loves. Rachel is her daughter. And Hermione seems to be getting all of this by just looking at him. She looks down.

"Sure." He thinks she might cry and it cuts him open but he doesn't back down. "Yes, of course. But what about Leonard?" Harry shrugs.

"I'll deal with him." He seizes Rachel and shares an intense look with Hermione. "I'm going."

"But the balloon-"

"We can get it later."

Suddenly he wants to be as far away from Hermione as humanly possible. She gulps, her eyes bright. Hermione purses her lips and nods. He nods back and walks away from her with Rachel. His heart shattering, but his mind set.

Hermione wonders if she's ridiculous for feeling so sad. She doesn't hold against Harry the fact that he wants to be with his family on such an important day. She only wished it didn't hurt like someone was cutting her open.

Sighing, she sits back on the couch. Her shift is in an hour and she's actually glad. She needs to get out of the flat, needs to think about other things than Harry, Rachel, Tessa and this mess she's getting into. She told herself that nothing could happen between her and Harry, and she was doing a great job at it but then she catches herself hypnotized by him, fascinated by the way he takes care of Rachel or amazed by how thoughtful he is. Each day she finds a new reason to love him more - as my friend.

She grunts in frustration. It's hard to let go of the guilt she felt after teasing him on the playground. What the hell was I thinking? She lost it for a moment, her heart racing as she realized he was trying not to stare at the way she was licking the ice cream. And then he teased her right back…

However, her mind couldn't accept it and she had to bring Tessa into the conversation in an attempt to dissipate the thoughts she shouldn't be having regarding her best friend. But it's actually a no-brainer, right? He'll always choose Tessa. Always.

Getting up she begins to get ready for her shift. At least Noah will be there and maybe she can have him pressed against a wall in a forbidden encounter at the Hospital to free her mind from this impossible situation. Yes, that's exactly what she wants. To forget. To ignore. To think about a man that's actually her boyfriend and not Harry.

Before heading out she arranges the white balloon she bought for Rachel and leaves it tied up to a chair, a cupcake with a candle on the table next to it. "Happy birthday, baby girl." She whispers and in a blink she's gone.

April 8th, 2002

This anxiousness can't possibly be healthy. He knows, but he can't stop it. Draco is there with him as they sit on the table sipping on their beers and keeping an eye on Rachel drawing on a few papers on the floor.

"But what did she say?" Draco asks.

Harry sighs. "She left a note saying she was going to stay with Noah for a while." His legs are going up and down in a maddening rhythm. "It's been three days and nothing. She's radio silent." He blurts out. Draco widens his eyes.

"Well…" He begins, unsure. "She's spending some time with her boyfriend, Harry. What did you expect? For a patronus every time they're about to shag?"

The thought angers him more than he's ready to admit. Apparently the jealousy is still there. Maybe even stronger. He sips on the beer, shaking his head, no, I'm not jealous. "It's like she doesn't care at all. What about Rachel?" He's being irrational and unfair, but he finds himself wanting to behave like an ass.

"Look, I know it's not like Hermione to vanish like this, but maybe she needed it. I mean, has something happened?"

He looks down. He knows the way he shut her out on Rachel's birthday was nasty, but he was just so entirely burning up by guilt that… "Maybe." He mumbles.

"So, there you go." Draco doesn't ask what happened, he knows it's best not to push Harry sometimes. "She'll be back soon."

Harry has no answer to that, he didn't want her to be back soon. He wanted her to have never left instead. He gets up and stars pacing, one hand going though his hair, his heart hurting as he thinks about how bad she must have felt for her to leave like this. He knows she doesn't want to look at him, but what about Rachel?

"Okay. Why are you like this?" Draco has an expression of confusion plastered on his face. "Noah is a nice guy, Harry, and she's happy-"

Harry grunts. He's tired of people pointing out how nice Noah is or how happy he makes Hermione. Draco snorts.

"I can't believe it." He says and Harry turns to him.

"Can't believe what?"

"That Ginny was right. Shit, I owe her a massage now." Draco is chuckling.

"What are you talking about?"

"You have no idea, do you?" Harry shakes his head, losing his patience. "Okay…" Draco seems unsure. "Man, you're totally jealous of Noah."

"What? Of course not!" Yes, keep denying it, maybe it will be true one day. "It's just…" He trails.

"Yeah." Draco sips on the beer, then he squints at Harry. "It's not just that, is it? Merlin, do you have feelings for Her-"

"No!" He's desperate now. He can't think or talk about this. He needs to ignore everything he's feeling and shove it down deep into his unconscious mind. But Draco is looking at him in a way that shows he's not buying it. "I don't know…" He mumbles now, trying to be a little more sincere. "It doesn't matter."

"I think it does, Harry." Draco is serious. "Why are you so eager to deny it?"

"Because it's never going to happen!" He yells a little. "So, it doesn't matter." He shrugs in a sad way. "And it's too complicated. Too impossible."

"Just because you want it to be."

Harry shakes his head. "There's too much at stake." He murmurs, the words out there, screaming back at him why nothing is ever going to happen between them. Draco doesn't say a word, but he keeps looking at Harry strangely. Harry sighs. "I'll just wait for her to come back, then I have to fix this mess." He sits back down, his head hanging, his chest tight. "She means too much for me to screw it up because of some jealousy and other confused feelings. She's my best friend and if that's the way things are meant to be, so be it." He looks up at Draco. "I prefer having her that way by my side than not having her at all."

Harry waits for Draco to say something, maybe tell him he should fight for what he's feeling - what am I feeling? Really? - But his friend seems to understand his words, so, he just nods and takes another sip. Since Tessa's accident Harry's been miserable, but now, facing the fact that he can't be something more for Hermione… he feels gutted, torn apart and… heartbroken. He looks at Rachel. She's the reason why there are still smiles and good things to hold on to. He has no doubt Hermione thinks the same, no doubt she's only trying to do what's best for this little girl. He closes his eyes, there's no doubt left inside him either. They can't be and he'll just have to live with it, let it go eventually. And that's okay. If it's the best for Rachel, he's okay with it.

She can't deny it's a little cowardly of her to apparate in the middle of the night. When she decided she was feeling good enough to come back home, she realized it wasn't enough to the point that made she want to face Harry, so, the middle of the night it is. What she didn't expect was to find him sleeping on the couch with a just as knackered Rachel splattered on his chest. Both snore softly. She can't also stop the wide smile on her face, just the sight of them improving her day a thousand times. There's a magical barrier around the couch, probably a measure to prevent Rachel from falling from his chest.

Putting her little handbag on the floor she sits on the center table right in front of them. Rachel is so big she almost takes up the entirety of Harry's torso. But her gaze doesn't stay too long on the little girl, there's an anxiousness inside Hermione begging her to observe Harry, to take him in, to bask in this moment and freely let her feelings come to the surface. One of his arms is around Rachel and the other above his head, as one of his legs is hanging from the couch. She noticed a few empty bottles of beer on the table, so she imagines he must have been drinking. She purses her lips as she stops her hands from brushing away a few strand hairs on his forehead. He's with a few days stubble that in Hermione's opinion makes him even more handsome. For a moment she allows herself to observe his mouth, his lips aren't that full, but yet they're inviting, maybe a little rough, maybe just right. She sighs.

These three days she spent with Noah were more a necessity than anything else. She had to take some time away from Harry to put her thoughts and feelings into perspective. She felt terrible after what happened at Rachel's birthday, and it took her some time to process what Harry had done when he went to the Hospital by himself. At first it seemed like he didn't need or want her anymore in their lives, but she knows it would be too much to assume that. It was just his way of dealing with their moment. She can't deny they've been living in tension for a few months now… since we almost kissed. And she thought a lot about that too, she thought how something that didn't even happen can be so huge between them. And why does it bother Harry so much. It obviously does or else he wouldn't have done what he did. She can't control his feelings or read his thoughts and frustrations, but she can do it with herself and now, after a lot of thinking, she's more than certain that things need to go back to normal, they're best friends and that's all. She's not sure if they need a conversation because she feels they don't even know what to say to one another, but she knows she'll try her best to muffle these unwanted feelings.

She gulps and rests her chin on her hand, her eyes still on him and his strong jaw, traveling to his hands. She has a thing for his hands. Maybe she's allowed to think about that here in the dark while Harry sleeps. It frustrates her to remember how many times she denied she wanted to kiss him, to Ron, to Ginny, to her parents, to Tessa, to everyone in her life. Just to find herself wanting nothing more than to lean over and do exactly that: kiss him.

Don't be silly. She shakes her head and gets up, averting her eyes from them. Things will go back to normal. And I have Noah. She really likes Noah… everything with him is simple and easygoing, fun. Yes, she doesn't feel like she might suffocate if she doesn't kiss him, but still… maybe it's for the best.

And Rachel. This thing with Rachel works so well exactly because there aren't other feelings involved, just a mutual respect and trust they've built over years of friendship. A kiss, a touch, sex, it would all only complicate their lives. No. It's never going to happen.

She entertains the idea of waking them, but decides on taking her things to her room and staying there. Tomorrow. We'll talk tomorrow.

May 20th, 2002

Tessa, I miss you. I'll never stop missing you I guess. I was at the Hospital with you just now. It's so strange how it seems you're only sleeping, an endless and dreamless sleep and yet it's been almost a whole year. In twenty days it will be.

Your daughter is looking more like you as each day goes by. Rachel is a happy child, affectionate and easygoing. It's a marvel to watch her grow, a gift to observe as she discovers new things. She's talking a lot, the words pouring out of her in an awkward way, but still. And she loves bed time stories. She's well. Her nightmares stopped a while ago and I think she still remembers you. I see times when she stares at the front door, waiting. She used to do this when you were away.

Harry took her to visit you on her birthday and since then she's going every week with him. I don't go with them and that's fine, I understand Harry needs this moment with both of you, with the loves of his life. Things are finally better between us. It's like we came to an agreement without voicing it. We're best friends and we're taking care of Rachel together. Our main purpose is to make her happy and that I can assure you is happening.

My feelings for Harry were a mess, but they aren't anymore, it's very clear where we stand and what kind of relationship we share and I'm okay with it, Tess. At the end of the day I just want him to be happy too. Well, it doesn't matter anymore.

Come back to us.

June 10th, 2002

One year. He's sitting alone on the bench, watching Rachel as she runs around on the playground. The last time he spoke to Tessa was a little more than three years ago on the night he decided to leave for the Auror training. Every time he thinks about it he tries not regretting this decision, but it seems more impossible as the days go by. If he'd stayed he could have been with Tessa. He could have been with his daughter since forever. Maybe Tessa would be here now. Harry tries not blaming himself but it's like a vicious cycle. It's like he enjoys suffering and feeling miserable. It doesn't matter how many times people tell him it's not his fault… sometimes he feels like it is. He's sure it is.

He sighs and turns his head around to glance at the window he knows is from Hermione's room. She'll be home soon from her shift and he wants to go to St. George's with her. With her and Rachel. He's not sure Hermione will want to go, but he needs to ask her, he needs to show her how important she is. Since she came back from Ned's after their little misunderstanding on Rachel's birthday, they've been excellent on ignoring whatever it was that happened between them. And Harry is okay with it. It feels nice to be back on the very clear terms of their friendship. He was surprised by how much relief he felt when he saw she was back home. Surprised to how fast his heart was beating when she approached him and smiled and asked how things were… and just like that they were behaving like always. Supporting and understanding each other.

He walks with Rachel to their flat. He knows by heart Hermione's hours and when he enters the place she's there getting rid of the healer's coat. Rachel immediately screams 'mama' and Hermione seizes her, kissing Rachel loudly and smiling.

"How are you, pumpkin?" She asks Rachel, only later turning to Harry. It hurts the moment she averts her eyes from him. "And you, Harry? Is everything okay?"

Rachel is still in her arms, and Harry notices how tired Hermione looks. She's been working a lot.

"Things are great." He answers as he steps inside and sits on the couch.

"Do you want something to eat?" Hermione asks, her eyes going over to the kitchen and Rachel answers a 'yes'. "What about some sandwiches? I'm known for my natural skills. Some people say I'm the best sandwich maker in the world!" She's saying this to Rachel, but Harry snorts a laugh and she turns to him. "Come on! I'm serious. You love my sandwiches!" He nods, smiling.

"Yeah, I do." She looks away from him again and starts heading to the kitchen when he says, "Maybe after this sandwich we can go visit Tessa." Hermione stops. His words hanging in a thread between them. She finally turns after a few beats.

"All of us? Together?" He nods and she bites on her lower lip. "Are you sure?" Harry lowers his head and stands from the couch, stopping right in front of Hermione. Rachel in her arms between them.

"Yes." His voice is low and he holds her gaze. "I was an idiot on Rachel's birthday. You're just as important to me, to us, Hermione." She widens her eyes. "If it weren't for you I'm not sure Rachel would be this happy now. And I know for a fact that I wouldn't be as well as I am. When this happened I told you you were my rock. You still are. You always will be, Hermione. I need you. Rachel needs you. Tessa needs you." She has unshed tears in her eyes and Rachel is growing impatient, so, Hermione puts her down. There's nothing between them now and Harry takes a step closer. "I know things have been strange between us." He stops, it's the first time he brings it up. Hermione crosses her arms, unsure, but she's listening. "But it doesn't change how much I…" He trails. "I can't do this without you, but I also want you to be happy. I want you to want this, you know?" He shrugs and motions to Rachel. "I don't want us to be a burden-"

"Harry." She cuts him gently. "Whatever made things awkward between us is gone, right?" He sighs and nods. Not quite, but sure. "You're not a burden. At all. I love Rachel as if she were my own daughter." She blurts and his heart skips a beat, the notion of Rachel being their daughter making him dizzy. "And I have my life. I have my job, I have Noah. I'm happy with things as they are now. You keep saying how you need me, but you have no idea how much I need you too, Harry." He feels such an excitement at her words he has to check himself not to smile too much. "We're in this together for as long as it lasts."

He nods and finally takes her hand, the warmth and softness of her skin calming and exciting him at the same time. He needs to touch her. With another step and some new found courage he embraces her, his arms circling her neck tightly as she hugs his waist. He wonders if she can hear how fast his heart is beating, wonders if she can tell how much he wanted this, how much he craves this proximity with her. Hermione sighs and her arms bring him impossibly closer. He kisses the top of her head, his arms loosening a little and his hands on her hair as she leans back.

They stay there, hypnotized. And Harry finally decides on kissing her cheek, seeing as she holds her breath when he dips his head. He lets his lips linger on her skin. Hermione fists his shirt on his back and tilts her head just a little... it's almost imperceptible, but her head turns on his direction, her lips closer to his. It would be so easy, so extremely easy to turn and kiss her. And in the few seconds they stay there considering this, Rachel shrieks and calls to them, breaking them apart. Hermione clears her throat and smiles, as if nothing had happened.

"I'll make us those sandwiches and then we can go." She says before taking Rachel's hand and heading to the kitchen.

Harry stays there. His mind and heart completely seized by this amazing woman. And he's not thinking about Tessa.