January 16th, 2003
"So, what's the problem?" Draco asks.
Harry grunts. "We haven't talked about it. I mean, after Rachel woke the moment was over and we're kind of avoiding it since."
Rachel is at the Burrow, spending the day there. Harry usually doesn't let her, but Molly begged and Draco wanted Harry's help to find a nice tux for the wedding. Hermione had to work. It's a little odd to know that Rachel is not with him or Hermione. She's always with them, but deep down Harry knows they might be a bit overprotective sometimes.
"Then talk about it." Draco says as he scrunches his face at the tux he has on. "This isn't working." He motions to the blue tux. "Blue isn't my color." He says and chuckles and Harry rolls his eyes.
He should have guessed that Draco would be picky when it came to clothing, after all he is a Malfoy. Specially if he's choosing his wedding tux. They've been going from store to store for hours now and Draco never likes anything, Harry is considering choosing one and forcing him to buy it, regardless the color, the fabric, the way it fits and such.
"It's not that simple." He says a little louder as Draco changes clothes inside the booth.
"Why?"
Draco steps out of the booth with a cream/white tux.
"Because it's been two weeks and she's still with Noah and nothing else happened after that night." Harry sighs. "But I'm sure something changed, you know? I felt it."
"This would work if we got married at the beach, right?" Draco asks, his eyebrow raised.
"Just pick one, Draco!"
Draco looks at him and sneers. "It's not a surprise your sense of fashion is practically none, Harry." Draco turns from side to side while he looks at the mirror, measuring the tux. "This might work, actually." Harry almost sighs in relief, but- "Or not. I'm already blond, you know? It would be too much white." After another inspection Draco decides trying another tux. While he does it he asks, "What about the whole thing with Tessa?"
Harry looks down, the familiar pain in his chest every time someone talks about Tessa making him uncomfortable. "I don't know." He whispers. "I mean, when the doctor called all those months ago my hopes went through the roof and it felt like I was cheating on her with Hermione. But she didn't wake. And I don't feel that way anymore. And now I can't stop thinking about Hermione…" He sighs, "she's slowly consuming me."
"Are you in love with her?" Draco asks bluntly.
Harry stills. "I…" He never thought about this whole thing in such terms. Is he in love with Hermione? He adores her, yes, of course, she's his best friend, she's his rock, his safe place to land, practically the mother of his child. However, he's not an expert when it comes to being in love: he had a juvenile relationship with Ginny and he liked her a lot, liked to be with her and have sex with her, but this inevitable pull and need to be close, to have her in his arms wanned down soon enough… and then there wasn't much there besides the physical aspect of it. And then, for a while, he was fine with just meeting other women casually, knowing for sure he wasn't in love… until Tessa. She changed everything. What he felt for her was new and exciting, breathtaking. Harry wanted to give her everything, wanted her to be as happy as possible. Not just that, he desired her as much as he wanted to talk with her. And after two weeks he was sure he was in love, sure he loved her more than anything.
But Hermione.
It's hard to define what he feels for her. They grew up together. She saved his life more times he can keep count of. She was by his side all the way until the end, until he destroyed Voldemort and after. She knew when to fight with him and when to leave him alone. It has always been so natural to be with her, trust her, listen to her, admire her, root for her happiness that he never had to label the feeling, never had to think about it. He once said she was like a sister to him and Hermione herself brought it up before they kissed, she questioned him and was angry about it… at the time Harry didn't get why. Maybe now he does… she asked what changed and he wasn't able to tell, he still isn't, but when he said he saw her like a sister he still thought a lot about Ginny. And Ron, his friend, needed to hear that. Now Harry isn't sure he actually meant those words. He still admires and trusts Hermione the same, even more. He still roots for her happiness, but now he also desires her so much it's like a consuming fever, those which knock you down and make you delirious.
That's what he feels, he's delirious for her.
Harry clears his throat. But am I in love with her? Is there a difference? Before this arrangement of them living together and taking care of Rachel it never crossed his mind wanting Hermione, or having a relationship with her. In fact, he used to brush off these kind of thoughts, maybe aware that it would never happen since she loved Ron. She never showed more than a friendly interest in him and Harry was okay with it, okay with what they had. However… he never felt comfortable around her and Ron when they finally got together, he never thought Ron was good enough for her. But it can mean that I just worry about her. Yes, he worries, she's such a caring and amazing person, brilliant… not to mention beautiful.
"Harry, if you're not sure about what you feel…" Draco says, taking him out of his thoughts. "I don't know Hermione that well, but I guess that," Draco sits in front of him, serious, "if you pursuit her to change your mind later-"
"I would never do that to her." He says fast.
"I know." He looks at him pointedly. "It's been a while since the call and your hopes and thoughts about Tessa are dormant, but what happens if you decide you want Hermione and she wants you too and then you get a call? Tessa woke up! Then what?" Harry purses his lips. "Yeah, exactly, Harry. You go running back to Tessa, don't you?"
"Shit." He curses under his breath and runs his hand through his hair. He feels torn. Even if the chances are low, it could happen. "Hermione… I guess she always pulls the brakes because she knows this. She saw my relationship with Tessa, Draco. And is not that I don't want her, it just-" Harry sighs. "Doesn't it seem like an impossible choice?"
"Harry," Draco puts a hand on his shoulder, "when this choice isn't impossible anymore and you decide you want her... fight for her, mate. Fight for Hermione. But first be sure of what you're doing. Be sure because you already live together. You're raising a child together. And she's been your best friend for your entire life."
He nods. Draco's words echoing true inside him. Hermione deserves to be fully happy. With a man that has eyes only for her, with a family of her own, with a life worthy of her greatness. And he's not sure he's ready to give her that. He doesn't know if he ever will be.
Before going back to the flat she decided to talk to Ginny. It was a long day and she's exhausted, but her mind keeps going back to Harry and their encounter on New Year's. She needs to talk about it with someone since they haven't yet. Something changed that night. She knows. And it might be the first time she's actually considering… giving in. Hermione can't lie to herself anymore.
She wants Harry. She loves him. And they could have it all.
But still, just the thought makes her shiver. This is big, this is huge. Because if they don't make it… she would be completely devastated. It seems that with Harry it's all or nothing, there's no in-between if they start a relationship. And that's scary as hell.
Now, as she sips on her wine and Ginny waits for her to say something, she thinks about Tessa. "Do you think Tessa is ever waking up?" Is what she says. Ginny widens her eyes.
"Well, after all this time I don't know. It could happen." Ginny shrugs. "But if you want me to be honest and say what I think… no. I don't think she's ever waking up, sorry."
Hermione sighs. It hurts to consider her cousin in that condition for the rest of her life, in a limbo where she won't die nor live. "I still believe, you know? I still believe she'll wake." Hermione says and it's the truth from the bottom of her heart. "And I still think she could have a beautiful life with Harry." She purses her lips. "See her daughter grow." Her voice is low now and she stares at Ginny. "And if I believe that, how can I be with Harry? Being with him wouldn't mean I believe she's never waking? Wouldn't it mean I believe she's dead already? And what kind of person would that make me?" There's a few tears running down her cheeks, but she doesn't care, she waits for Ginny to say something.
Ginny gets up from her chair in front of Hermione and sits down next to her, close enough to take her hands. "Hermione, I've known you since I've known Harry. I've seen you two together as friends and now as something… more. It's clear how jealous he is of Noah, the same way you almost strangled Sofia. Not just that but I'm watching with my own eyes you two raising an amazing child that is a daughter to you both," Hermione shakes her head, crying harder, "it is, Hermione. Stop denying your heart. You are Rachel's mother. I know it, Rachel knows it and Harry does too." Ginny stops for a moment, letting her words sink in. "Now I'm watching you fight this obvious attraction you feel because of Tessa. I know she's your cousin, I know she had two intense weeks with Harry and I know she's Rachel's biological mother, but," Ginny raises a finger, "she's in a coma, Hermione. It's a fact." Hermione sobs. "You ask me what kind of person you would be if you got together with Harry still believing Tessa is going to wake. My answer to that? It wouldn't mean you think she's dead… it would just mean that you are alive, Hermione."
Crying harder she lets it all out and Ginny hugs her, saying "Stop blaming yourself. Live your life. You want Harry and he wants you. It's that simple."
"But what if we screw it up?" It's her biggest fear. "What about Rachel? Our friendship?"
"Do you love him? Are you in love with him?"
Her breathe hitches. Her heart beating faster. She purses her lips and… nods. She knows she is. That's why she never gave herself entirely to Noah, why she never felt the words 'I love you' true when she said them to her own boyfriend. Why she's jealous of Harry, why the mere thought of leaving him makes her want to stay.
"Fight for him, Hermione. You deserve happiness. You two owe yourselves this chance."
Hermione exhales heavily, still crying, then she chuckles, "You're such a better Gryffindor than me, Gin." Ginny laughs at that and they hug again.
Maybe it's time to give true happiness a shot.
He hears her apparating the moment he steps inside through the door. They smile at each other. "Where's Rachel?" She asks.
"Well," He says as he settles down on the couch, "Rachel said she wanted to stay with Molly." He raises an eyebrow and Hermione chuckles.
"And you let her?" She crosses her arms.
"I did." He sees as she changes her weight from one foot to another. "I mean, I trust Molly, especially when it comes to children and Rachel was having a blast there, so…" He shrugs. "Molly will bring her tomorrow."
"Okay…" She narrows her eyes. "I guess it's fine, right?" Harry nods and chuckles. "What?" She asks. "We're way too overprotective, aren't we?" He nods and she chuckles too. "Sometimes I forget she's already so big, I mean, almost three. It went by so fast."
He watches her as she seems to consider something, her eyes on him. It's strange to be at the flat totally alone with her. In a way, even if sleeping in her crib, Rachel is always with them. After a beat Hermione sits down on the couch next to him and just like him she props her legs on the center table.
"I'm exhausted." She says, closing her eyes.
Harry observes her. 'Are you in love with her?' Draco words hammering his mind. She opens her eyes and turns to him, smiling.
"So, what do you wanna do with this… freedom?"
Be with you. "I don't know… it feels strange, doesn't it? Not having her here."
"It does."
Hermione is talking about Rachel but Harry can tell she wants to talk about something else. She looks… nervous. And then her hand moves to his on the couch, they intertwine their fingers and just like a match being lit, the fire spreads between them. In a blink Hermione is straddling him, his arms around her, their mouths coming together eagerly, hungrily. As he slides his tongue into her mouth, he realizes how desperate he was, how much he wanted to kiss her again, how he was pretending he was fine with not having her this way. She smiles into their kiss and he follows, their foreheads touching. She moves her hips in a circle and he holds her, groaning as his erection strains against his jeans. She runs her hands through his hair and their mouths meet again.
He decides it's the best thing he ever experienced. He knows there will never be someone like Hermione, someone that knows him how she does, that understands his soul the way she does, that was able to see and deal with his darkness and still stay by his side.
He can't explain Hermione. She's too much, she's everything.
'Are you in love with her?'
He groans when he feels her hands going down to his fly. He kisses her neck and her fingers unzip him, her warm hand going over his length above his underwear. His heart beats faster, his mind struggling to keep some kind of rationality while she moves her hand up and down. His mouth goes back to hers and they kiss sloppily, the sensation of having her stroking him taking over everything. It's perfect. It's bliss.
'Are you in love with her?'
One of his hands goes under her shirt and up to her breast and he pinches her nipple. She moans and they move in unison to get rid of her shirt. He marvels at how fast she takes off her bra too, tossing it behind her. He chuckles a little and takes a moment to observe her. They don't say a thing as he kisses her again, her hands back to his hair. She moves slowly against his body, their focus back on kissing. Hermione is eager, her hands now pulling his shirt up. He helps her and the sensation of having that much skin touching takes his breath away. He tugs her hair and starts spreading kisses on her exposed neck, down, down until her nipples, until they're too sensitive under his teeth and tongue, until she pulls his head back, her eyes dark, her lips parted, her breathing so heavy he groans.
She looks extremely beautiful.
Her lips red from his kisses, her skin the same way from his stubble. They kiss again, her nails raking through his back, shoulders, chest, stomach.
'Are you in love with her?'
He could lose himself in her, in them. But the question keeps hammering inside his head and he kisses her harder, bruising. She doesn't mind, Hermione corresponds with the same intensity and he feels insane. He wants to devour her, ravish her, bury himself so deep into her he's afraid of what it might do to them. And he knows she wants it too. As desperately as he does.
And surprisingly that's what stops him. Harry pulls back, breathing hard and blinking a few times, his hands holding her face as she moves against his cock again.
"Hermione." His voice cracks and his eyes go to hers. 'Are you in love with her?' He purses his lips, not knowing what to say next. She tilts her head.
"What?" Her voice is low, her eyes roaming over his face. She clears her throat. "I broke up with Noah." She opens a side smile and his heart hurts. He thought he would be ecstatic with this information, but it only brings him some kind of despair. "Because… I want to be with you, Harry. For real." She leans closer, giving him a gentle kiss. His arms tighten around her and when they stop the kiss he touches her forehead with his. "Are you crying?" She asks, her voice strange. "Harry?" He shakes his head. They're so close he can feel her breath, her words. He can smell her, feel how warm she is. Her hands take his face and force him to look into her eyes.
She's incredible. She's the most amazing woman he has ever known, brilliant and so, so loving, so strong and determinate, so understanding and good. And he's desperate because… he's not deserving. He wouldn't be in normal circumstances, but especially on this one he's even less, because of… Tessa. Because he can't be sure, he doesn't know the answer to Draco's question. He doesn't know what he would do if the mobile rang again and the doctor said that Tessa had awaken. And he can't be with Hermione while he still doubts, while he's not entirely there… while he still wonders if he's in love with her. He has to be sure because he could never live with the fact that he hurt Hermione this much. She ended things with Noah because she's ready, she's sure…
He feels terrible.
She leans back, worried and he says, "Hermione, I- I don't think we should do this." She opens her mouth, her eyes narrowing.
"What are you saying, Harry?" She cups his face. "Look at me. What are you saying?" She sounds angry. He rearranges himself on the couch, she's still straddling him, his arms around her. He takes a deep breath.
"I'm sorry." She purses her lips, her nails digging into his shoulders as his fingers dig into her flesh. "This… I- us. Hermione, I don't know what I'm feeling." He looks down. He owes her some honesty at least. "I want you. But I don't know if us being together for real would be the best-"
She snorts, suddenly getting up and he wants to cry harder at the loss of her. He gets up too, zipping up his jeans. Hermione stops in the middle of the living room, only in her jeans, her hair a mess, her breasts bare. She looks like a goddess. "You can't be serious, Harry." She whispers. "We've been here before and you were sure. You wanted to try, you wanted to deal with the consequences. And now what? What's the problem?"
He sighs. "Draco made me a question today. A question I don't know the answer to and I realized I can't be with you until I'm sure. It wouldn't be fair. I don't wanna hurt you."
"What question?" Her voice is sharp. Demanding.
He takes a few beats to say, "He asked if I'm in love with you."
She takes a step back, her eyes watering. Hermione embraces herself, covering her breasts. She looks down, shakes her head and chuckles sadly. "Of course you don't know the answer, right? You don't know because of Tessa. Because you love her. You always will. You wanted to try before the call, but now… if she were here there wouldn't even be a choice to make."
He shakes his head and takes a step in her direction. "It's not that, it's just-"
"No. You know what? You're a coward, Harry." He blinks at that. "While I was with Noah you wanted to be with me, you entertained the idea of us because it was far away in reality, because you were fantasizing about it. Because you couldn't have me. And exactly like I said, you wanted to play house with me." He sets his jaw. "And now that things got serious, now that I've broken up with him, you don't want to deal with the consequences, you're not sure, you realize you're not in love with me. And that's exactly what I've been saying all this time!" She fetches her shirt and puts it on. "I'll make it easier for you, then." She takes a step to him. He's still crying. "This ends here. I don't care if you suddenly realize you're in love with me or whatever. For the sake of our friendship, this can never happen again. It won't." She's so certain his heart breaks. He knows how serious she is.
"Hermione-"
"Enough, Harry." She sounds sad now. "Enough of this. It was a mistake and we should just move on."
She doesn't wait for an answer. Hermione leaves him there and he hears as she locks herself in her room. Harry sobs. He did this because he didn't want to hurt her, but now he feels even worse because he's sure he already did. And he also hurt himself in the way.
February 4th, 2003
Her fingers go over the potions in the storage room. She's had enough of sleepless nights. She needs to rest, her body is begging her, her mind is also barely keeping up. "Where is it?" She's angry all the time now. Since Harry ripped her heart in two, she feels like she's living on automatic. She takes care of Rachel, ignores him and goes to work. She works the best she manages and tries reading… not even that is working and she wished she could hate Harry, she wished she could never look back and walk away for good. But she doesn't hate him, at all. She loves him. And that's what hurts the most. When she finally accepted her feelings and their situation, he just- he broke her.
Hermione presses her lips together and tries not crying, failing. She cries all the time now and she's also tired of it, tired of having her pain coming out of her eyes. She stops her fingers and exhales relieved when she closes her hand around the potion. She shouldn't be doing this, it's against the Hospital's directives, but she doesn't care. She might go crazy if she doesn't sleep. Not that she hasn't had any kind of rest, but every time she puts her head on her pillow and closes her eyes, images of her and Harry invade her mind and she starts crying. Then she cries until she sleeps and she wakes up feeling worse the next day.
It doesn't help that Harry looks just as miserable as her. She avoids meeting him, talking to him or even looking at him, but sometimes is inevitable and every time she enters the kitchen or the living room and he's there with red eyes looking just as sad as her, she wants to hug him, she wants to kiss him, feel him. It takes a lot not to go to him, it takes a lot to pretend in front of Rachel that everything is okay.
So, yeah… fuck the Hospital's directives.
She takes three potions and shrinks them into her pocket. Before leaving the storage room she brushes her tears and tries a little spell to enhance her appearance. She can't show her patients how tired she looks. Taking a deep breath she goes out in the corridor and heads to her floor, she still has one hour left and she really hopes it goes by as fast as possible. Not that going home is better… Harry's there. But at least she can be with Rachel, their moments are the only ones capable of making Hermione smile.
She walks slowly, her gaze on her feet as it's been for the past few weeks as she does her best not to think about Harry, about his words and their kisses. Not just that but she's been avoiding Noah too. She thinks he might be doing the same since he changed his shifts after she broke up with him. But on Wednesdays there weren't any other hours available for him and she knows that he's there, that chances of bumping into him are high. She doesn't want to, though. She treated him poorly. For the most part of their relationship she was thinking of Harry, silently betraying Noah and leading him on. She regrets it deeply. Maybe her honestest decision was breaking up with him.
But maybe destiny hates her.
She stops when she sees him. Noah is coming out of an examination room right in front of her as he gives an old man a few instructions on how to take his potions. The old man seems skeptical that the treatment will help, but Noah has a way of convincing people, a special way of dealing with patients, especially the stubborn ones. She crosses her arms and watches the interaction, noticing how Noah glances at her. At that moment she makes the decision of staying. They need to talk and she won't run, even if she wasn't entirely there in their relationship, they had good moments, they created incredible memories and they deserve at least one more conversation. She's not even sure he'll want it, but when the old man leaves and Noah turns to her with a sad smile, she knows they'll. He motions to the examination room with his head and Hermione follows him inside.
There's a heavy silence between them and he sighs, breaking it. "How are you?" She smiles despite herself. He's such a nice guy.
"Awful. You?"
He raises an eyebrow. "I've been better." He leans on the wall opposed to her and pockets his hands. "So, I guess things didn't go very well between you and Potter."
She was honest when she broke up with him. She said she had feelings for Harry and that they would try making it work. Well. She shakes her head. "Yeah, well, it turns out he wasn't sure after all."
"I'm sorry." Noah says and she wonders if he's real. She asks herself what she was thinking when she let him go. "I…" She sees him gulping. "Am I an idiot for still thinking about you? For still wanting this?" He motions between them. "Us?"
His words strike a chord in her. So similar to the ones Harry said, yet so different. Noah is sure, he wants her, he wants them. "Noah." She does her best not to cry. "I still have feelings for Harry, I'm sorry." She hates herself. "If I could make them disappear I would, but-"
"I understand." He opens a sad smile again. "I just want you to be happy, Hermione. It just sucks it can't be with me." He shrugs and moves closer to her. "I hope you know how amazing you are. You deserve the best." She falls apart then.
Noah hugs her while she cries. He calms her down and kisses her head. She fists his coat as if he's life itself and after a long time, after crying more than she thought it was capable, she feels… better. He cups her face. "It may seem awful now, but time is the greatest healer of all, Hermione. He's even better than us." She chuckles at his poor joke. He does too. "It will get better. I promise."
She shakes her head. It sounds absurd that her ex is there making her feel better after she broke up with him to be with a man that didn't want her. "Thank you." She kisses his cheek and they share a tight hug. "I mean it, Noah. You're amazing. And again... I'm sorry."
Just before they leave the room, he takes her hand. "Can we… try being friends?" He clears his throat. "I mean, I really like Draco and his free tickets." She laughs at that. It's her first laugh in weeks. Hermione nods. She surely wants to be his friend.
It's a relief when she apparates and Harry is in the kitchen. She can see him from the living room, but he doesn't turn to greet her, he's focused on the food. Rachel on the other hand comes running to her. Hermione smiles and seizes the girl. "Hey, sweetie." Hermione kisses her cheek and Rachel tries talking about the toy she's holding. Hermione gives her all the attention she can, but being in the same space as Harry is distracting and hurtful. And she freezes when she realizes he's right there, in front of her.
"Hermione." He says, his voice low. "We need to talk."
She doesn't want to talk to him. But he looks serious and her heart beats faster. She thought a lot about what Harry would do… maybe he's going to say that he'll move out. She feels torn. Living with him now seems like torture, but she's not sure she's ready to not seeing him at all or not having Rachel there. She nods. He nods in return.
"Come eat." He says and goes back to the kitchen.
She puts Rachel down and walks slowly, a million things going through her head. She won't ask him to stay, if he wants to leave with his daughter he has every right. And she won't ask him to go either. She considered this after he said he wasn't in love with her, but it wouldn't be fair… because of Rachel. She settles herself on a stool, Rachel by her side. They have a dinning table in the living room, but they rarely use it, when it's just the three of them they all enjoy sitting in the kitchen. It's cozy and welcoming and now that Harry cooks it smell amazingly all the time. Hermione watches him as he organizes the food, her mouth watering involuntarily. She doesn't want to admit how hot he looks when he cooks, especially when he wears an apron-
She looks at Rachel. She's so big. Hermione wonders if Rachel will remember her if Harry vanishes from her life. What if he leaves and we never speak again? Because that's what happened with her and Ron. No one except Molly knows where Ron is or what he's doing. After Harry moved in, Ron broke up with her and just left. And now she fears Harry will do the same, she fears he'll leave and she won't have her two best friends in the world in her life because they thought they could be something more. It angers her. She feels stupid for giving in to her lust, for allowing herself to look at Harry differently. It angers her how unintelligent she was. Even knowing how he loves Tessa she was ambitious enough to imagine he would choose her. Choose them.
"Hermione?" He calls her and she realizes she was so consumed by her thoughts she didn't see him setting the food on the isle and sitting down in front of her. He made pasta. An elaborated pasta.
She clears her throat. "What do you wanna talk about?" She starts eating and tries not reacting at how good the food tastes. She dreads what he's going to say.
"Well," He looks down, clearly uncomfortable, "Rachel will be three soon," She nods, "And since we know she's magical I thought about sending her to the Private Wizarding School." He stops talking and she frowns. She was not expecting this. Hermione is not sure of what to say and Harry goes on, "I've been thinking a lot and I want to dedicate myself more to cooking…" He trails and she raises an eyebrow. "I mean, it would be nice for her to be with other kids and learn the basics of education, not to mention more about magic." He looks into her eyes then. "You know just as much as I do how hard it is to arrive at Hogwarts without any previous knowledge." She averts her eyes, focusing on the food. "And that way we could have better hours. There are some cooking classes I wanna take and maybe you could work less or more, I don't know."
A silence falls between them. She has no idea how to react. She was preparing herself to hear him say he was leaving with Rachel, but he's actually asking for her opinion - and permission - to make a decision in his daughter's life, explaining to her what he wants and why. And it hurts. Because it's them. It's how they function. They trust each other, they talk about everything and they share their lives. They take care of Rachel as her parents, as an unit. It strikes her then that leaving never even crossed his mind. She takes another bite to stop her tears. She feels a little numb. He's not Ron. He would never leave.
"Is this okay?" He asks after a while and she shakes herself.
"Yes." She chokes a little and tries a smile. He smiles back. Her heart beats faster. "I mean, it's a good idea, she needs other kids and the magical background." She smiles at Rachel, it will be a good thing, they should have thought about it even if Harry didn't want to have more free hours to cook. "Have you talked to the School?"
"Yes. She can begin the moment she turns three." He sighs. "Which is soon and it's nice because they have summer activities too… she's growing up so fast." He says and smiles at Rachel.
"She is." Hermione agrees and then chuckles at the mess Rachel is doing while eating her pasta. Another silence falls between them and she hates it more than anything else. So, she tries ending it. "So, cooking, huh?"
Harry smiles shyly. "Yeah, I mean, when I cook I feel good, you know? It makes me happy." She nods. "Not to mention that it's a wonderful distraction."
"Yeah, well," She ends her pasta. "As you can see I'm not complaining." She smiles. Again, he smiles back. Their eyes locked. She notices how his chest starts rising and falling faster.
"Don't you think it's a silly idea?"
She tilts her head at his question. "Not at all." Hermione watches in disbelief as he breathes relieved. "I think you'll be an amazing Chef, Harry." He sets his jaw. "If you love cooking there's nothing stopping you from pursuing it." Her words sound loud in the kitchen. They move uncomfortably and she notices it's because she uttered the word 'love', clearly forbidden between them now. "I guess fewer hours at the Hospital will be good. I've been wanting to visit my parents too and maybe I'll finally have the time."
She gets up to put her plate on the sink and they don't talk for a while, but since Harry brought up Rachel and her impending birthday, there's something Hermione wanted to discuss, something she was thinking even before everything blew up in their faces.
"What do you think about throwing her a proper party this year? I mean, there are enough Weasleys to fill any kind of party and-"
"I think it'll be great." He says fast, getting up too. Hermione takes a moment to realize how close they are and she takes a few steps away from him, crossing her arms.
"Good. Can we decide the theme and stuff later?" She yawns. "I'm knackered, really." Harry nods, a strange look on his face. Hermione goes to Rachel and kisses her head, a simple spell cleaning all the mess she made. "Goodnight, pumpkin." She looks at Harry again. "Night, Harry."
"Night." He murmurs and she turns to leave, but before she can- "Hermione!" She stops, gulping. "I-" She turns to look at him, her heart pounding inside her chest. He moves unsure, looking down, his jaw set. Harry sighs. "I-" He tries again.
"What?" She whispers.
He looks up at her, the intensity of it making her shiver. He opens his mouth and she's sure he's going to say something important, something big. But he closes it again and shakes his head, one of his hands going through his hair.
"Nothing. It was nothing." He moves his hand in front of him, dismissing the subject and she feels herself cracking inside. Pursing her lips she turns again and leaves the kitchen, he doesn't stop her this time.
February 21st, 2003
More than a month after what happened between him and Hermione he finally feels close to 'fine'. He even feels some excitement since today there's an important Quidditch match for Draco's Team and they're all invited to watch it from the exclusive player's box. Harry already got numerous invitations to these stands, but he never accepted, however, when Draco practically forced them to go he realized Hermione would be going too and he agreed immediately. He loves Quidditch, but having this opportunity of being close to Hermione for hours with other people around and hence without the pressure of being alone with her inside their flat is something he can't stop thinking about.
Since they talked about Rachel and the School the air around them got a little lighter. Hermione doesn't run from the kitchen when he's there and he discovered he can actually sit to read with her in the living room without them feeling awful. She still avoids touching him, though. Harry is sure they haven't even brushed hands since that night… since he said they shouldn't be together. This lack of contact kills and saddens him, his heart bleeds every time they're close and she takes those steps back. But he can't blame her. He tries not thinking about the implications of her break up with Noah, but he's finding it more and more difficult.
After recovering from the blow that that night was, he can see things a bit more clearly now. And he feels like an absolute ass. She ended things with Noah. She was ready to be with him, she practically said she was in love with him and-
He sighs.
He's not sure thinking about it now matters at all. Hermione made it pretty clear there wouldn't be a second chance for them, she said it out loud and every time he remembers her face while she did it he wants to slap himself. He finally got the chance he wanted with her and he screwed it up. Bad.
She enters the living room and he clears his throat. She looks beautiful. Not that she's that different from what she looks on a daily basis, but he can't help finding her more and more stunning as each day goes by. But tonight her heavy make up stands out, the black around her eyes and the red from her lipstick… the Team's colors. And she's also wearing something she normally doesn't: leather jacket, shorts and black tights with high boots. Not to mention how she pulled her hair into a ponytail with hair gel. His heart quickens when a sudden urge to pull hard on that ponytail and kiss her neck invades him.
"Ready to go?" She asks and he shakes his head, seizing Rachel.
They're going through portkey and if he holds Rachel tightly enough the trip has no risk for her. The portkey is a shirt from the Team and Hermione gets close to him with it. He gulps as she extends the shirt, he knows she'll be angry but he doesn't care, he touches the shirt close to her hand, their skin touching and he watches as she purses her lips, her eyes on Rachel. Only before they get pulled into the portkey her gaze goes to him and Harry sees that fire he learned to recognize there.
But when he hits the floor, Rachel giggling in his arms, Hermione is already walking away in her high boots, the shirt in his hand. His eyes follow her as she goes directly to the bar inside the stand. In a minute Ginny is greeting him and seizing Rachel. He finally turns his attention to the Quidditch field and smiles widely. The atmosphere is insane and contagious, magical and dangerous tricks are entertaining the arriving fans. They got there a little early so the stands are still half empty.
He walks around, greeting the Weasleys and letting his worries go for a while. Rachel has her face pressed against the glass of the box as she watches with wide eyes fans cheering and the entertainers flying around. She claps her hands and laughs, she's hypnotized and Harry sits down to keep his eye on her while he talks to George. However, after a while, he has no idea what George is saying as his eyes drift to Hermione. She's on the other side of the room talking to Ginny, drinking and smiling as they talk in hushed tones. He observes as she shakes her head and how her eyes go to Rachel from time to time. But she never looks in his direction.
He brought his camera and he lets it hovers freely inside the stand as it take pictures it knows Harry would. His heart leaps when he realizes the camera is circling Hermione, taking picture after picture of her. He rubs his hands together, thinking. If he pays enough attention he knows the photograph room is swamped with pictures of Hermione. Of her alone and of her with Rachel. There's a lot of the three of them also and a good amount of the both of them. His absolutely favorite is the one the camera took on New Year's right after she had combed his hair with her hands… the way they look at each other in that photo- with so much affection and admiration.
He presses a hand over his chest trying to appease the pain there. He glances at her again. They could be sitting together now, she could be in his arms while they marveled at how Rachel is having fun. He could be kissing her without having to think about it, he could be teasing her and distracting himself at the way her skin reacts to his touch… but no. No. He screwed it all up.
George is still talking and the stand is filled with people now, there's only a few minutes left until the match starts. He ponders if he should talk to her, if he should insist, beg, anything. But he still can't be sure… what if the doctor called? Right now? He feels annoyed by how torn the question still makes him. Enjoy the game, Harry. He forces himself to let go of these thoughts and he manages to concentrate on what George is saying, until…
Her laugh reaches him and he turns sharply. It's been too long since he last heard her laugh that way. His heart stops. Ned is there. Ned. Freaking Ned. He's talking to Hermione and Ginny, excited, with a drink in his hand and wearing an autographed Team's shirt. He's extremely close to her, their bodies almost touching as her eyes roam his face while she pays attention to his words. Harry's mouth hangs open. Are they back together? No, it can't be, no. He gets up, his intention of walking over there clear, but he stops when Ginny gives him a deadly glare and comes fast, calling the others to sit since the match is about to start. Ginny stops by his side and pulls him down onto the comfortable couch. His eyes are following Hermione. She's heading back to the bar with Ned. Harry fists his hands when Ned leans into Hermione and says something in her ear.
"Don't you dare acting like a jealous boyfriend, Harry." Ginny says in a low voice. "Not after what you did." He finally turns to her at that. "Of course Hermione told me everything. The same way you told Draco." He purses his lips. Hermione and Ned are sitting together now, on the other side of the stand, both drinking and talking easily. And close. Why they have to sit so close?
"Are they back together?" He asks Ginny. Rachel comes to him and Harry settles her down on his lap, her eyes still on the field as the players are being introduced. Ginny scoffs.
"No." He lets out a long breath. His heart easing a little. "But I know he wants to." Harry clicks his tongue.
"Of course he does." He says with disdain.
"Harry." Ginny calls him and forces him to look at her. "Stop. You had your chance with her, it's over. Let it go." He chews the inside of his cheeks. If Ginny is saying this, Hermione certainly stated it clearly when she told her everything.
"What if I can't?" He asks. Ginny shakes her head.
"You should." It's all she says before she turns her attention to the match.
In a huge effort he turns his head back to the field. Maybe if he doesn't look at them he can pretend they're not there. Harry tries focusing on the match, his eyes following Sofia as she flies fast and easy. He only cheers loudly when she scores, Rachel clapping on his lap, and after a few goals Sofia comes close to the glass to cheer, and that's when she blows him a kiss. He chuckles and shouts, everyone in the stands yelling loudly. He waits as long as he's capable of before he discreetly glances at Hermione. She's sitting cross-legged on a stool close to the bar. Her eyes on the field, a wrinkle between her brows. She purses her lips tightly, a drink in her hand. She looks down and then, finally, she raises her eyes to his. Is she thinking about the way we kissed on New Year's? After she said she hated how I smelled of Sofia?
Even with everyone there, in that brief moment it seems like they're alone. His heart starts beating wildly. He's not sure how long they hold their gazes until Ned says something and she turns her attention to him, breaking their contact. He runs a hand through his hair, mentally cursing. It all feels wrong. This distance, this situation, the jealousy, the lack of communication.
Consumed by how he wished things were different, Harry barely notices the end of the match. Draco caught the Snitch. They won 360 X 190. He claps and stands up just like everyone else, suddenly feeling exhausted, wanting to go home and curl into a ball in his bed. He knows there's the after party, but Rachel needs to sleep and he needs to be alone. Maybe he could try talking to Hermione. He would leave immediately, but Rachel seizes him by the hand and forces him to stay there with her, their faces glued on the glass. For a moment his attention is all there, on his daughter and how much she enjoys Quidditch. He also noticed how Rachel stayed by his side the whole time, it's like she knows Hermione doesn't enjoy this as much as they do. He smiles at his daughter as they watch the players flying to the box. Rachel squeals in delight and they move closer to the entrance to greet the Team.
Hermione is just by the door and Ned has an arm draped over her shoulder, he's leaning into her and she's smiling, her eyes following the Team as they enter the box. Ginny goes running to Draco and she almost knocks him flat on the floor, kissing him. Ned moves to greet them and Harry narrows his eyes at how easily he and Draco talk. It strikes Harry that he has no idea if they're good friends or not. Probably. Draco must have invited him. He makes a mental note on that.
He moves with Rachel to congratulate the Team and Sofia gives him a bear hug, laughing, clearly drunk on the victory and then… she kisses him. On the mouth. Harry faintly notices how the conversation dies as she deepens the kiss. It takes him a few seconds to pull away, but the damage is done. He tilts his head at her, and Sofia shrugs. "What?" She asks. He shakes his head and smiles.
"Nothing." He says in a low voice, sure no one can hear them. Sofia turns to Rachel and the little girl is looking at her with fascination in her eyes, bewitched. Harry watches them as Sofia conjures up a shirt with her surname on the back and shrinks it to fit Rachel, telling her she was the one who cheered the most, her biggest fan. Draco jokes at that and says that Rach is his fan not Sofia's and they start a heated debate filled with laughter and inputs from Rachel herself.
Harry doesn't dare looking at Hermione. He's afraid of what he might see if he does and he's also feeling… strange. It's like he just cheated on Hermione right in front of her. He barely remembers Sofia or thinks about her in that way, but he kissed her back just now. Only when Sofia moves away to talk to other people he dares looking at Hermione's direction.
She's not there, though. Neither is Ned. Harry moves around fast, searching her, but she's nowhere. He goes to Ginny.
"Where's Hermione?"
Ginny sighs. "She left."
Harry nods. "Okay, I should leave with Rachel too, she needs to rest and-"
"With Noah."
Harry freezes. "What?"
"You heard me."
He feels tears in his eyes and he sets his jaw, his chin trembling. I lost her. I really did. He looks down, wondering how he could be so incredibly stupid, how he had her half naked in his arms, saying she wanted to be with him and he just-
Calling to Rachel he bids everyone goodbye and heads home. Maybe it's time for him to ask Hermione if she still wants him to live with her. Maybe it's time to have his life with his daughter away from her. Maybe that's the only thing that could still save their friendship. And it guts him.