August 5th, 2003
He pulls her back to the bed. "Harry! I need to go."
"Noooo." She tries freeing herself from his grip, but he traps her under him and Hermione sighs. He kisses her and his hands move down her body, squeezing and arousing her. Soon he's kissing her neck. "I love your neck." He says as her hands dishevel him. "I love all of you."
She lets out a soft moan. "I have to go." She protests, but he keeps going, his body moving against hers.
"Stay with me." He says as his mouth goes down her collarbone.
She finally tugs firmly on his hair and he grits his teeth. "I really need to go." She kisses him and he sighs, frustrated, letting her go. He mumbles, upset.
He hears her moving inside the room. It's pretty early and since they started sleeping together he's been waking up with her, his training sessions with Draco a little later now. But he can't help pouting. He wants to stay in bed with her. He wants to hold her and kiss her and it annoys him that he has to share her with the rest of the world. "Don't go!" He shouts to the bathroom door, groaning in frustration.
She comes out of it already dressed and ready for the day, the only thing missing her healer's coat that she insists on leaving at the living room. She sighs and sits by his side on the bed. "Look," She puts one hand on his chest, "Go train with Draco, fetch Rachel at the Burrow and before you know it I'll be home and we can do whatever you want."
"Whatever I want?" He asks with a smile and she rolls her eyes.
"Yes." She leans and gives him a sensual kiss. He complains when she pulls back. "Except flying. Love you."
Then she's walking out of the room and he can only shake his head. He already misses her.
She can't stop thinking about him. Hermione's been at work for an hour but she's extremely fed up. Which is ridiculous because she loves her work. She loves the Hospital, she loves healing people. But, yeah. Harry. She bites her lower lip. She can't deny she's been thinking about surprising him at his training session with Draco. It's redundant to say that a sweaty Harry occupies her mind more than she's ready to admit. Maybe he's running at the treadmill right now. She can imagine his strong legs going fast, his chest covered in sweat.
She sighs and decides it. She's going. It was foolish of her not staying with him earlier, because in reality there's no reason why she shouldn't since she can work more next week to refill the hours she'll lose today. With a smirk she walks fast to fetch her things.
Draco ditched training today, so Harry is on his own while his mind is barely there. He can't stop thinking about Hermione. Maybe I should surprise her at the Hospital. He smiles at his own idea, but then he frowns, not sure if she would like it. After all, it's her work and now everyone knows they're a couple so people would certainly stare. He increases the speed, feeling good to be running.
So, he starts planning their day, he has some really nice ideas. After he fetches Rachel they can try cooking together. He always notices how she loves watching him in the kitchen and on his last class the professor asked if any of them had kids because he was going to teach them an easy recipe that children often enjoy helping. It's a homemade pizza-
He looks up to the entrance when he hears someone walking inside the gym.
It's Sofia.
"Harry?" She's surprised to see him there. He doesn't stop running, but he waves at her.
"Hey!"
She comes closer and stops in front of him. He sees clearly how she sizes him up. "Well, it's certainly nice seeing you here." She smiles and winks, climbing the treadmill next to his. "How you've been?" She asks as she starts to run.
"Good! Amazing, actually. You?"
"Fine." She says back to him.
For a while they run in silence, but then…
"Can I ask you something?" She asks.
"Sure." There's no problem, right? He can't see one. Since their first encounter things between them were crystal clear, just a nice friendship with occasional sex. And when he told her he was with Hermione she said she was happy for him.
"I never asked you about Rachel's mother." He clicks his tongue, slowing down a bit.
"What about her?"
"She's a muggle, right? Hermione's cousin?"
"Yes." He says through gritted teeth, already uncomfortable. He spent nights with Sofia and she never showed much interest in Rachel, so it's obviously strange her sudden curiosity about Tessa.
"And she's in a coma…?"
"Yes." His mood is plummeting real fast now.
"Look, I don't wanna intrude it's just…" She stops her treadmill and turns to face him. Harry slows down his speed but increases the inclination. "When we first met I knew you weren't up to a serious relationship because of… Tessa, right?" He nods. "I think it just caught me off guard." He frowns, not understanding. "Your relationship with Hermione, I mean."
"Why?" He asks despite himself.
"Because you always said you wouldn't love anyone the way you loved Tessa. I remember clearly you saying how nothing compared to what you felt for her." She snorts. "You even said to me one day that you would wait for her to wake up for the rest of your life, Harry." He purses his lips. He said those things on the first few months he met Sofia. His feelings for Hermione were still buried deep inside him. He had no idea what he could feel, how strongly he could love, how right being with Hermione would be. He was clueless. "So, I guess it just surprised me. I mean, Hermione had the perfect boyfriend who would gladly do anything for her, but she chose you, someone who is just settling with her because the woman you really love isn't here. It's strange." She shrugs.
All the happiness he felt earlier is gone. He's just plain angry now. He stops the treadmill and turns to her. "I don't owe you any kind of explanation, Sofia. But if you need to know, there's nothing half about the way I love Hermione. She's the furthest thing from a substitute." He opens a tight smile. "Glad we had this conversation." Fetching his things he exits the gym with long and hard strides.
She apparates to their flat. And just before she decides what to do, Hermione holds the back of a chair from the table, supporting herself, breathing hard and trying to stop her tears. She knows she needs to be fast, Harry might come back soon from the gym. She sighs, regretting her decision of surprising him. She was the one who had an awful surprise, instead. What she overheard Sofia saying about Harry and Tessa is hammering her mind. She was so disoriented she apparated away from there before Harry could answer. And maybe it was for the best.
Taking a deep breath she moves to her room.
Magically she fetches a few things and packs them as she does her best not to stare at the messy bed. The bed she just woke up next to Harry this morning. And his scent is all around the place. In a tacit decision, her bedroom became their bedroom and it's almost laughable how bad her chest hurts just to see his things scattered around.
Taking one final glance at the place she decides she took everything.
Now, she just needs to write a note to Harry. Pursing her lips she does it without much thought.
Hermione knows she won't be able to face him right now and maybe she's taking the easy way out, but if she talks to him she won't sort her feelings on her own. So, as she lays the note on the center table, a tear runs down her face. "I hope you understand, love."
And with that she's gone.
Harry, I had to go to Paris. I've been wanting to visit my parents for a long while now and something came up. I'm sorry about leaving like this, but I'll be back as soon as possible.
I know this may seem a strange request, but please, don't come looking for me. Please, love. I need this time with them and I hope you understand.
I'll miss you.
His mouth is hanging open. What the hell? He blinks a few times, trying to understand what he just read. He reads it again and again. Hermione didn't want to miss work this morning to stay with him and just like that she ditched everything and went to Paris? He shakes his head, totally and completely lost.
Numbly he walks to their room and his eyes register that a few things are missing indeed. His heart is beating wildly now. Something must have happened, she wouldn't do this out of the blue without telling him. Would she? He runs his hands through his hair, torn between respecting her wish and wanting to see her and ask what the fuck is wrong.
He crosses his arms as he stands there in the middle of the room. Chewing the inside of his cheeks he can't help thinking that whatever happened it must involve him. Because every time Hermione disappeared like this - when she used to go to Ned's - it was always because she was having a hard time dealing with her feelings for him or something of the sort. And now he can't help wondering what he did. He has no idea. And the worst is that right now he can't dwell on it, he needs to fetch Rachel.
"Shit." He murmurs and apparates to the Burrow.
When she knocks on her parent's door, it's her mother who opens it.
"Hermione?" Claire looks surprised, but she's smiling nonetheless. "Oh, sweetie, what happened?"
"Mum." And just like that she's finally crying in her mother's arms.
"It's okay, it's okay." Claire soothes her and calls out to John, telling him to take Hermione's suitcase as she steers her daughter to the couch. They sit together, still hugging each other.
Hermione barely notices it, but in a blink there are tea and cookies in front of her. And in a torrent of words she opens up to her parents, feeling again like a little girl unsure of what she should do with the other kids that kept teasing her. She talks for a long while. Of course they already knew she was taking care of Rachel with Harry, but Hermione hadn't told them about her feelings towards her best friend and how they got together.
"And I just feel so guilty." She chokes out. "Because I catch myself thinking that maybe I wouldn't have this life if it weren't for Tessa's accident. And it cuts me open that my happiness costs hers." She cries harder. Her mum keeps running her hand up and down at her back in a soothing motion. "And most of the times is just too much. Because I love Harry too much. I love Rachel with all my heart and I fear…" She trails.
John takes her hands. His eyes gentle. "What do you fear?"
She sighs, "I fear the day they'll finally realize they want Tessa, not me."
Her father raises his eyebrows. "Have you considered that maybe Harry already thought about this? And he chose you?"
She snorts. "Dad, we all know how Tessa is everyone's favorite person. The joy of people's lives." He scrunches his face at her.
"Well, I don't know who you're talking about, but she certainly wasn't my favorite person." He winks at her and Hermione finally opens a little smile.
"Can we talk more later? We need to go to work." Her mother says, "Stay for as long as you want, okay?" She gives her a reassuring kiss on the cheek. "I love having you around."
Hermione nods at them. Maybe these days with her parents are everything she needs to try and put her insecurities about Tessa behind her once and for all.
August 10th, 2003
He can't keep his bad mood on check. Even now, working out with Draco, he feels like there's a gray cloud above his head. It's like someone stole the sun from the sky. And in a way that's exactly what happened. Hermione is his sun and not having her around, especially not knowing the reason why, is killing him slowly.
He grunts and gives the punching bag one of his strongest punches. Then he shakes his hand, cursing. "Motherfucker-"
"Ow, there, mate, take it easy." Draco says.
Nor him or Ginny knew anything about Hermione's sudden departure. And it's been five days and Harry is sure he'll lose his mind. He misses her smell. Her smile. Her voice. The way she touches him. The way she kisses him.
Rachel also misses her. The little girl asks about her mother nonstop and every time Harry has to say that he doesn't know when she's coming back, his chest hurts.
"I mean," He's practically yelling. "Not even a minor explanation? Nothing? She could have told me at least when she's coming back! It's been five bloody days already!" He punches the bag again. "And what if she decides to stay there for a month? Huh? What then? Isn't she telling me? What about Rachel?!" Another punch. "And her precious work?" He grits his teeth.
He's feeling betrayed. As if he wasn't important enough for her to talk to him before deciding this.
"If she doesn't come back in two days I'm going to Paris. I don't care!"
Draco holds his fist mid-motion. He's about to say something when the gym's door opens and no one other than Ned enters the place. Harry, despite himself, has a violent reaction.
"What are you doing here?" He's already walking to Ned but Draco holds him back again. The man sneers at Harry.
"Wow there, Potter. Chill. I use this place to work out sometimes. Draco said there was no problem."
Draco flinches a little and Harry tries not hating his friend too much. Their presence doesn't disturb Ned as he starts to stretch. Taking a deep breath, Harry moves to a bench and stares at the floor. He doesn't want to ruin his mood any further. And after a while, and a heavy silence, he figures he might be better off if he just leaves the place. He gets up and fetches his things.
But it's Ned's voice that makes him stay a while longer. "Heard from Hermione, Potter?" He freezes on the spot. Then he narrows his eyes at the healer. Is it possible that Hermione told Ned something and not him? He hates just considering this. "I'm sure she'll be back soon." He keeps talking. "I mean, the interviews are almost over."
Harry grits his teeth. He doesn't want to bite, but-
"What are you talking about?" He throws his bag on the floor and crosses his arms. Draco is watching both of them with wide eyes.
Ned lets out a loud laugh. Harry wants to punch him. "So, she hasn't told you." He can feel that hot wave of anger inside him. "I guess it makes sense. You probably wouldn't let her go. But this is important for her, Potter. I hope you don't ruin her life-"
"What the hell are you talking about, Villin?" He takes a step forward. Ned opens a nasty smile.
"I bet Hermione already told you how she hates St. Mungo's directives, didn't she? How terrible they're to their employees and how little they invest in significant research." Harry doesn't say a thing. Hermione indeed told him all of this already. "Well, I'm transferring to Paris and when I told Hermione she got pretty excited about it." Harry's heart quickens. "She already sent her application, Potter. They're interviewing the approved candidates this week."
He opens his mouth. "You're lying." Because of course he is. Hermione would never do that to him. To Rachel. Not now. Not ever.
"Sure, whatever makes you feel better, Potter. But don't say I didn't warn you." Ned shrugs. "Why don't you ask her about this program in Paris?"
"Draco." Harry turns to his friend. "Our session is over, right?" Draco nods. "Let's go?"
Thankfully he understands what Harry is saying and in a beat they're both apparating to Draco and Ginny's.
Ginny is taking care of Rachel today and when they see both she smiles widely, Rachel already running to her father. He opens a tight smile as he kisses his daughter, his mind is trying to wrap itself around Ned's words. He exhales deeply.
"What happened?" Ginny asks, feeling the heavy air around them. Harry shakes his head. He doesn't want to talk about this with Rachel in the room. Ginny understands and in a blur she's calling them to the dinning room. Lunch is ready.
It takes Rachel a while to entertain herself at the backyard. Draco and Ginny set up a swing outside and Harry is watching her from the table. He feels calmer now.
"Noah showed up at the gym and started saying all kinds of things to Harry about Hermione." Draco sums it up to Ginny before she asks again. She frowns.
"What kind of things?"
Harry sighs and turns to her. "About a transference to Paris-" He stops. Ginny is suddenly stiff and pursing her lips, looking down. She sips on her tea. "Gin?" She cocks her head innocently.
"Yes?" Another sip.
Harry moves on his chair to look at her. "Do you know something about this?"
"About what?" She clears her throat.
"About this transference."
She snorts. "Why would I know something about this, Harry? Honestly."
"What do you know?" There's a silence then as she shakes her head. He doesn't feel so calm anymore. If Ginny knows something then Ned's words aren't necessarily a lie. "Is she really considering it?" He asks in a low voice, his chest hurting.
Ginny sighs. "Harry, look, Hermione talked to me about this in December, at New Year's actually." He swallows the lump in his throat. He's not even mad. Just sad. "At the time you two were in a complicate place and she told me she was going."
He feels like crying. "When? When she's supposed to go?"
"I don't think she's still going, Harry. Everything changed for you." She tries.
"When, Gin?" His voice is barely there.
"She told me September."
He closes his eyes. He can't believe this nightmare. It must be a misunderstanding, there's no other explanation. Hermione wouldn't leave- "She was going to leave Rach?" He looks out to the backyard, his daughter playing on the swing, going high.
"Yeah, well… I guess?" Ginny shrugs. "You should talk to her, Harry."
"I would, but she's not here, is she? She's in Paris." He snorts. "I should have known it was too good to be true."
"Come on, mate, aren't you jumping to conclusions here?" Draco asks.
"Then tell me what she's doing in Paris. Tell me why she left without an explanation." He runs a hand through his hair. "I know she's not entirely happy at St. Mungo's and what Villin said…" It pains him to admit that maybe Ned knew exactly what he was talking about. He stands up and calls to Rachel. "I need to go home." He feels desperate just to imagine her leaving. The flat an empty shell he wouldn't be able to call 'home' without her there.
"Harry, I'm sure a few words with her will set this straight. You know she wouldn't do this." Ginny says.
"Wouldn't she? She said to you she would, Gin. She was certain." He purses his lips and when Rachel enters the house they say their goodbyes. He has a lot to think about.
For the past few days, every time he's out of the flat his heart quickens at the mere possibility of her being back when he gets back. But, immediately, when they enter the place, Harry already knows she's not there.
Rachel asks again when mama is coming back and Harry shakes his head. "Soon, sweetie. Soon." She pouts at him and stomping her feet she heads to her room. Rachel is always such a sweet girl, but when it comes to not having Hermione around she transforms into a little temperamental child.
Harry crumbles down on the couch. He doesn't know what to think. He massages his temples. He knows how Hermione loves being a healer, how important it is for her to help others, to be part of researches and changing. He also knows how St. Mungo's pisses her off with its crappy directives and poor administration, she often complains about it. Deep down he knows how much she wished to work at a better place.
And she said to Ginny she was going.
She's in Paris right now and Harry has no idea why.
If what Ned said is true, it makes sense her not explaining to him and asking him not to seek her out. But why the sudden departure? Couldn't she tell me she wanted to visit her parents? There's something strange about all of this.
But regardless… he doesn't want to feel like a dead weight to her. If he understood correctly, this opportunity may be something big and- "She shouldn't stay because of me." He whispers.
But there's something else he can't accept. She was going to leave Rachel. This particular notion it's the only one that makes him truly angry. Maybe he's not enough to convince her to stay, but he thought Rachel would be more than enough reason. Apparently not. He sighs, looking up to the ceiling.
It's impossible not to think that he might have been fooling himself. Maybe she doesn't love him that much. Maybe she realized there are other important things in life. Maybe he's not enough. Like he never was. He closes his eyes. The first time ever he felt enough was with Tessa. And in a way it felt like they were on the same page, but with Hermione…
It's always hard for him to fully grasp how much she means to him. She only comes second after Rachel. But what if she doesn't feel the same about him? What if she needs more? Wants more? What if this transference to Paris is everything she always dreamed of? I could go with her. He feels a slightly glimmer of hope at that, but- if she wanted me to go with her she would have told me about it. And she didn't. She never mentioned anything. And for how long has she been considering it? If she told Ginny she was certainly going in December…
'You probably wouldn't let her go. But this is important for her, Potter. I hope you don't ruin her life-' He sighs. He would never stop her from going. He loves her. And he wants her to be happy. It's just too damn painful that his happiness is her while for her… he's not enough.
August 11th, 2003
She takes a deep breath before opening the door to their flat. She's not sure if Harry is home or not, but she knows they have a long conversation ahead of them. She had all the time in the world to think and regroup at her parent's and in a way she feels better, lighter. But when it comes to Tessa she knows it's always going to be touchy. Hermione wants to talk with Harry about everything, but she's afraid he might not understand exactly what she means.
She steps inside and a loud music fills her ears. She doesn't recognize it. Must be some magical group. Harry enjoys them way too much. She smiles fondly. He's home. Rachel must be too. She missed them so much. Leaving her suitcase at the entrance she walks inside, the music is coming from Rachel's room. She crosses her arms at the door, her smile as wide as possible as she watches Harry jumping on the bed with Rachel in his arms while singing to the music. He has his back to the door and Rachel sees her first.
"Mama!" Harry stops jumping, probably confused. "Mama is home!" Rachel points and he turns.
For a moment no one moves. The music dies on the background. Then he slowly lets Rachel go and he opens that smile. "You're back." He whispers.
"Of course I am." She says back to him the moment Rachel reaches her and she fetches the little girl up in her arms, kissing her loudly as they share a tight embrace and a few laughs. "I missed you so much, pumpkin!" Harry steps down from the bed, his eyes fixed on her as if she's a mirage. Hermione puts Rachel down but the girl keeps hugging her leg. However her focus is on Harry now. "I missed you too, darling." She says through a breath and then he's already holding her in his arms.
He kisses her neck and cheeks. Then her lips. "I missed you, honey." She smiles and kisses him again, gently bumping their noses together. Rachel wants her attention so she finally steps away from Harry.
"So, tell me everything you did these days!"
And Rachel is so excited that her mama is back, Hermione barely has the time to look properly at Harry. If she had she would have seen the little glint of sadness in his eyes right after they kissed. She would have noticed how he held her too lightly as if afraid of breaking her or pushing her away. But she didn't notice. She was just happy to be back. Happy to see them. Happy that maybe her little trip to Paris wouldn't turn into an issue.
But she was wrong. Very wrong. And not prepared at all for what expected her.
Only after Rachel fell asleep - a little later than usual because of her excitement - Harry went to the kitchen to clean the mess they made and Hermione said she would be expecting him at their room. She needed a shower.
And then she's in his t-shirt and Harry is stepping inside. She missed him so damn much. Neither move and she's not sure of what to do. If it was up to her she would be kissing him now, but Hermione can tell the atmosphere is not the proper one… which is odd. They spent the whole afternoon together with smiles and occasional kisses, but now Harry has such a serious expression she doesn't know what to think.
"Harry-"
"No," He raises a hand. "Let me talk. I respected your wish of not seeking you out and now I wanna say a few things, is that okay?"
She nods, a little unsure.
"I've thought a lot about us for the past few days," Her heart quickens. "And maybe Rachel and I became a burden to you," WHAT? "I don't know." He shrugs. "But I want you to know that I won't stand in your way, Hermione, if you want to move to Paris, I won't ask you to stay." He purses his lips. Apparently done.
She blinks several times. "I- I went to Paris to visit my parents, Harry. I have no intention in moving there." She says bluntly, the 'I won't ask you to stay', repeating itself inside her.
"Are you sure? Because that's not what I heard."
He's taking steps away from her, pocketing his hands and tensing.
She sighs. Right now she regrets deeply the way she left. She should have waited for him. They would have talked about what she heard and moved on. But when it comes to Tessa is like she can't even control herself, she just reacts, and she's aware that sometimes her reactions aren't the best ones. "What are you talking about?"
He snorts and now she knows this won't end well. He's pissed. "Are you going to keep pretending? Why? I know everything, there's no point-"
"What do you know exactly, Harry? Because I'm a little lost here."
"The transference, Hermione!" His tone is a little higher. "Noah told me." He's fuming.
"Oh, my ex who clearly wants us apart?" She opens her arms, outraged. She's angry she never mentioned this transference to Harry.
"Ginny confirmed." She closes her eyes at that.
"Okay, I considered it. I really did." He's walking around inside the room. "They made an offer to Noah and he asked me to go with him. We were together at the time, Harry. And things with you were such a mess I- I wanted to flee." She looks down. "And I said I would go, I thought it would be the best." He mumbles something. "But when I broke up with Noah I made it pretty clear that moving to Paris was not an option anymore."
He's shaking his head.
"When Noah talked to you about this? For the first time?" He asks.
She makes a strangled noise. "August, last year."
He snorts again, looking at her with sharp eyes. "And you kept this from me for all this time! You were already sure that you wanted to go and you never even mentioned this! You were going to leave Rachel! Without a goodbye? Again?"
His words cut deep. And she wished her anger wouldn't surface so fast, but… "So what if I didn't tell you, Harry? It's my life. My decision. And you and Rachel were fine-"
"Yes, exactly! Your life, your decisions. I'm sorry we're such an inconvenience, Hermione. But hey, feel free to go, to do as you please. I mean, you already did it now." He shrugs. She tries not taking his words personally. "You might as well just go. Why wait till September?"
"Harry-"
"Or maybe I should just move out with Rachel like I should have done a long time ago. That way we won't be an inconvenience to your decisions."
She inhales sharply, "You don't mean that." She says in a low voice.
Harry looks down. "Maybe I do." No, no, no. What's happening? "I want you to be happy, Hermione." He says at last.
"You and Rachel make me happy, Harry." He opens a little smile, unsure.
"You just said I'm not part of your decisions."
"At the time you-"
"At the time? What about now, Hermione? What about six days gone with just a note? And a request to stay away?"
She bites her lower lip, two fingers on her temple. "I left because I- I wanted to surprise you at the gym that day. I felt bad about leaving for work when you asked me to stay." She shrugs. "But when I got there I overheard Sofia talking to you and-" She stops. He doesn't say a thing, but she can see the surprise in his expression. "I lost it."
"Because of Tessa." He states. "Because of what Sofia said."
She nods softly, tears starting to well up behind her eyes. Harry runs a hand through his hair and Hermione can feel how important this single moment is, how anything they say next can determine their relationship. Determinate their future, really. Without her consent she starts shaking a little, feeling cold on her feet and hands.
"I-" She stops, not sure of what she wants to say. 'I love you?' 'Let's leave this behind us?' 'I'm sorry about leaving like that?'
"It's just," He looks down, "We talked about Tessa, Hermione. Not long ago we talked about it and I asked you to come to me when you felt insecure about this."
"I know." She whispers.
"But you overheard something and decided to leave? Why not talk to me, Hermione?" He sighs, "I tell you everyday how much I love you and it seems like that's not enough, like it never will be." She's crying now. "We can't do this." His voice is so low she barely hears. "I want to be with you more than anything else in my life, but if you don't believe me, if you don't trust my feelings, I-"
"Of course I believe you, Harry." She moves closer to him and he takes a step back. Hermione flinches.
"You don't." He looks into her eyes. "Not when it comes to Tessa." He purses his lips. "No matter what I say or how much I show you, it's like you can't help doubting- did you even hear what I told Sofia? Or you didn't stick around for my answer?"
She gulps. "I… left. Before you answered."
He opens a sad smile. "Because you were afraid of what I might say. Because you doubt. Because you're afraid I might tell others how much I miss Tessa, how much I wished she were here. That's it, isn't it? What you're waiting to hear."
Closing her eyes she lets out a shaky breath. He's right. Deep down he is. She's always waiting for the moment he'll realize being with her is a mistake. She said this to her parents. "I don't do it consciously, Harry." She looks at him. He's looking at her with pain in his eyes and she already knows what's coming. Desperate, she moves to him, taking his face in her hands. "But I love you. I wanna be with you." She gives him a kiss and he corresponds softly, his arms around her.
She feels a little lighter… his embrace is her safest place.
Harry kisses her jaw, rubbing their cheeks together right after. "I love you so much, Hermione." She sighs, her lips finding his neck. "But," He gently puts some distance between them. "Until you sort this out we can't do this." She's shaking her head, her hands squeezing his arms.
"I talked with my parents, I- I wanna talk to you about it, I-"
"Love." He touches her forehead with his. "You act automatically to these thoughts and I don't know if I can help you. I don't know what to do or what to say to make this better. First you decided to leave permanently to Paris. And I understand, in a way I really do. You always talk about how you want a better place to work. And things between us were a real mess. But," He chokes a little, "now, five days ago, after months of us being together, of me trying to show you all my love, you just… left."
"I'm sorry."
"I imagined a billion things, Hermione. And if this were just about me, maybe it would be easier, but- Rachel. You never considered her in these decisions. She suffers a great deal without you and… you were actually leaving." He moves totally away from her.
Hermione feels the floor opening underneath her feet. "Please-"
"Your insecurities about Tessa cloud your judgment. I understand you not really thinking about my feelings, but not even Rachel's? And this eternal fight of not wanting to be considered her mother…" He trails.
Taking a deep breath and preparing herself, she holds her ground. Harry has his reasons and logic, she can even agree with some things, but taking his and Rachel's feelings into consideration is the only thing she's ever done since this little girl was born. So, it obviously hurts to hear something like this. And it hurts even more that whatever she might say now won't sound as true as it really is.
"But Tessa is her mother, Harry."
"Stop! Enough of this, Hermione. Enough. I know Tessa is her mother but have you ever thought about how Rachel feels on the matter? Huh?" He widens his eyes. "Can you imagine if she hears you saying you're not her mother? What that would do to her? How rejected she would feel? Tell me, have you thought about this? Because you're so focused on not wanting to take Tessa's place, or even not wanting to feel guilty about it, that you're not seeing what's right in front of you!"
"IT'S TOO DAMN HARD FOR ME!" She finally lets it all out. "You don't understand." She says in a low voice then. "She's my cousin." She presses a hand against her chest. "And I know that if it weren't for that accident you would be with her right now-"
"You can't know that for sure!"
"Of course I can, Harry! Of course I can!" She's breathing hard, now it's the time to say everything. "I grew up with you and you loved me as your fucking sister!" She snaps. "I was right there by your side in Paris when you met her. Right. There." He flinches a little. "And what you had with her… You said yourself to Sofia that you never felt anything like that for anyone else. So, I'm sorry if it's a little hard for me to accept this life. To accept us. It's hard because I've been second to Tessa my whole life and I know this would be just the same if she were here! And I don't blame you. She's pretty amazing, I know that." She takes a deep breath, her cheeks wet from her tears. "I just want you to imagine if it were a situation where… Ron was in a coma and I had his child. And then we fall in love while he's in a coma. And my daughter starts calling you dada. How would that make you feel, Harry? How? Would it be easy for you? Wouldn't you feel guilty all the time? Wouldn't you imagine that if he was well, whatever happened between us wouldn't even exist?" She takes a step to him. "How would you feel?" Her voice is barely there now.
Harry looks down. He's crying now. Just after a long moment, he says, "I understand what you're saying. I do. But all I hear is that being with me and having Rachel considering you as her mother just makes you feel guilty all the time. Makes you doubt what we have and the sincerity of our love." He cups her cheek. "You still doubt me, Hermione. All the time. Because you can't let go." She shakes her head.
"Don't say you understand. You still don't."
"We can't keep having the same fight." Harry takes a step back and… the way he looks at her. Hermione knows what's happening. He'll break her heart again. "I can't be with you knowing that you feel guilty about it. We can't be if you don't consider Rachel's feelings in this."
"Don't say that! She always comes first!"
"You were going to leave!" He yells. "For Paris! Forever!"
"But you would be here, Harry! You're her father!" She also yells.
He sets his jaw. "And as you repeated so many times, you're not her mother, so, who cares if you leave, right?"
"I never thought this would be an issue! She's safe with you-"
"You never thought because you were never abandoned!" He almost shouts. She blinks fast. Things falling into place. "That little girl fucking loves you with all her heart! And you were about to leave her! You just did for six days! Without an explanation! She kept asking about you, every day! Every hour!" She can see how angry he is. "You don't abandon people like that, Hermione! Especially not a child!"
She closes her eyes. He's right. She's been so consumed by Tessa and what Tessa would do, how Tessa would be perfect, how she shouldn't be this happy while Tessa is in a coma. Tessa. And again Tessa. But the real important thing slipped through her fingers. Rachel. Harry. Their relationship. Her own life.
"I'm sorry." She repeats. "I wasn't thinking clearly." She tries calming down and he does the same.
"You know what hurts me the most?" He says in a whisper. She shakes her head, definitely not ready to hear what he's about to say. "I used to be the one who ran away when things got too hard. And when I came back from that training and saw Rachel…" He chokes. "I was so scared, Hermione. And then Tessa had the accident and… there were days all I thought about was leaving. Running away." They share an intense look. "But I stayed. For my daughter. For you. You taught me how to be a parent, you showed me what to do and how to give my love like that." She sobs. "So, forgive me if it's hard for me to hear you saying you're not her mother."
"I'm so sorry." Is all she can say for a while.
Harry finally sits on the chair and sighs, his hands supporting his head. She desperately wants to hug him, but she hugs herself instead.
"I let go of her, Hermione. I did. For us. But apparently you can't do the same. It's like Tessa is always going to be between us, separating us." He sounds defeated and she has no idea what to say. He's right. It feels impossible to let go.
Sitting down on her bed and facing him, Hermione tries being as honest as possible. "You're right." She says in a low voice and he raises his head to look at her, there are tears in his eyes. "I don't know how to let go, Harry. But I love you. I love Rach with all my heart."
"Maybe only love is not enough." His words take her breath away.
"This can't be it, Harry. Is that easy to let me go then?" She's whispering, not sure if she's being fair, but it feels like he's giving up too easily on them.
"What about me? Rachel?" He shakes his head. "This transference-"
"I just told you I'm not going, Harry." She tries reasoning with him. "And I'm never leaving like I did anymore. I said I'm sorry."
He narrows his eyes at her. "Can you really look me in the eye and tell me you don't wanna go? Tell me this chance at working in a better place is something you're just going to decline?"
"Is that what you wanna hear, Harry?"
"I wanna hear the truth, Hermione."
She clicks her tongue, still brushing away a few silent tears, "It would be an amazing opportunity. I won't deny it. That's why I considered going in the first place. But you and Rachel mean more to me. So much more."
"Then why you never asked me to go with you? Why you never told me about this?"
She opens her mouth. "I- I never thought it was even a possibility. I mean, your life is here." She looks down, averting her eyes from his.
"You mean Tessa is here." He sounds angry again. "And I surely wouldn't leave her. Right?"
"Harry… you can't blame me for thinking like this."
He snorts but doesn't say a thing. An awkward silence suffocates them. He breaks it. "Are you really not going?"
"I'm not."
He nods, more to himself than to her and then he stands and walks to her nightstand, opening a drawer. Hermione closes her eyes. She forgot about the admission letter. The one Harry is holding now. Showing to her. "What's this, then? I- I'm sorry about going through your stuff but after you left like that and Noah said all those things about a transference I remembered this…" He throws the letter at the bed, his jaw set. "You keep saying you're not going, but this admission letter makes it a little hard to believe. Especially because they thank you for sending your forms on the last day, July 1st. A fucking month ago, Hermione."
She covers her face. "I didn't send them the forms, Harry. Noah did." He purses his lips but seems taken aback. "I never said it to you because you didn't know about the transference and I couldn't see the point in bringing it up since I have no intention in going. But Noah sent it behind my back. When this letter arrived I was just as surprised. You remember, don't you?"
He crosses his arms. "Okay. But now what? Are they expecting you or something?"
"I-" She forgot about sending a letter to the committee.
"What?" He urges her.
"It's no big deal, I just have to send a letter to the committee explaining what happened. Telling them I'm not going."
"This arrived before my birthday." He states and she wonders what's his point. "It's been almost two weeks and you haven't declined it yet. I think you wanna go, Hermione. Deep down you really do."
She's shaking her head. "No. Harry, that's not-"
"You know what? Maybe you should go. Really." She barely recognizes his voice. "This is obviously not working."
"Harry." She finally moves to him, her hands on his neck, forcing him to look at her while he tries averting his eyes. "I wanna stay with you and Rachel. I'm not going to Paris."
"Not even if I asked you to go?" She frowns.
"What do you mean?"
"I want you to go, Hermione. You want this and you should have it." He sets his jaw, holding her close by the waist.
"You can't be serious." She feels like crying again. He's pushing her away, giving up on them. "Don't push me away, please. We can work this out."
"I don't think we can. Not now at least, Hermione." He shakes his head and steps away from her. She feels a sudden coldness in her stomach, desperate. He's really ending everything. Not just that, he's telling her to leave. To another country.
And now she's angry. Hermine snorts.
"I tried my best to ignore the voice inside me saying that I was just filling in for Tessa, Harry. But as you push me away like this… as you throw our love in the garbage as if it's nothing," He flinches a little, "you only make it clear for me that I was right all this time."
She waits for him to reject her words, but Harry says nothing. And her heart breaks.
She sighs, decided and angry. Lost and sad. "Well," She bites her lower lip, her chin trembling as she tries not to burst into tears. She needs to have some self love, some pride inside her. She won't beg for his love. His love belongs to someone else. Taking off his t-shirt she dresses magically. "My suitcase is at the door, so I guess it's easier if I just leave, I can come back some other day to fetch the rest of my things-"
"No, Hermione," Now he's asking for me to stay. Please, Harry. Ask me to stay. "I mean, this is your place, I should be the one leaving with Rachel."
He says it as calmly as possible. Hermione can't believe this is it. She can't believe the Harry she shared wonderful moments with is the same standing in front of her. The same Harry who told her countless times how much he loved her. She just said she's leaving and he's worried about technicalities. Snorting, she puts on a brave face, a new found need to hurt him taking over her.
"I don't care. You can stay as long as you want. I just can't be here right now. But I'll see and talk to Rachel before I leave for Paris." She's not asking for his permission and he just nods, his mouth hanging open. But before she leaves the room he seizes her by the arm, holding her close. Ask me to stay. Please. But he doesn't. He kisses her instead and they share a sad kiss. Filled with hurt and wet from tears. She can't believe this is happening.
She doesn't linger when they separate. Hermione darts from the room without looking back and after fetching her suitcase she apparates to Draco and Ginny's.