Chapter 68: Selflessly Selfish
Bluestar had blindsided me with the promotion, but I didn't detest the prospect. I am a logical and efficient cat. I had mixed feelings about the change. On one paw, I was trusted with the continued safety and operations of the clan as a whole, but on the other, I had to maintain the safety and operations of the clan as a whole. I was proud of the trust but wary of the duty. Bluestar ushered Fireheart off for an impromptu first lesson, leaving me to be the focus of the camp. They looked to me warily for guidance. They already knew their last deputy had led them astray, so they didn't have much trust to my newfound position.
I looked around the camp, needing some sort of guidance. I may have the skillset for the position, but I lacked the basic level of information to fulfil my new obligations. Then I saw the pair. Lionheart and Whitestorm stood side by side, looking at me with knowing looks. They knew I was desperate. I needed to act fast to maintain face.
"Lionheart, Whitestorm, I need you. Lionheart, you set up patrol schedules before when you were deputy. I'll need your assistance to set up some new ones. Whitestorm, I need your experience. I'm sure Lionheart and Bluestar seek your advice from time to time. I also know you know the cats of the camp. I want to know who hangs out with who, what their preferred duties are, and possibly who likes who. The rest of you, go about your assigned duties. If Lionheart lets you know you need to do something else, trust him on it. I don't expect you all to trust me instantly, and you are right to do so. We've all felt the pain of Tigerclaw's treachery and are all jumping at shadows. I promise you that I'll earn your trust. It may take time for me to grow into my new role. Please be patient with me and carry on. If you cannot trust in your clanmates, trust in your friends and family. You'll find you aren't so alone." I commanded turning my tone soft towards the end.
They still looked at me warily, but the overall tension had lessened. They dispersed with quiet chatter disrupting the otherwise still air. I knew they were still debating whether they'd listen to me, but at least they were talking. I was their scapegoat to their suspicions, and I didn't mind. With me as their target, there wouldn't be any witch hunts that could destroy the overall cohesion of the clan. I already knew it wouldn't last forever. I had a few quiet supporters that would put in a few good words for me.
I was glad when Lionheart signaled me over, having completed sending out the daily assignments. I trotted over, somehow both eager and dreading learning my new duties.
"Smudgefoot. I've just finished up, so I believe it is time we talk." He mewed, nodding towards Whitestorm who immediately began to come over. "There's a lot you need to know, and there's a lot we need to know. Let's start things simple. What did you mean by you facilitated Tigerclaw's rise, and why did you not alert us to Redtail's murder at the time?"
I stifled an sharp laugh. "Sorry. I didn't mean anything rude by laughing. I just more expected that question from Bluestar instead of you. Anyways, what I meant by I facilitated Tigerclaw's rise is that those lessons Tigerclaw and I had late in the evenings weren't just one directional. I'm sure I told you before, but Bluestar was previously testing both of you. She wanted an adaptable deputy, so she gave you apprentices that would not fit your preferred method of teaching. You were winning until I got my paws on Tigerclaw and revealed to him the nature of the test. From there, I coached him how to teach Ravenfeather and how to go about claiming power without harming his public face. Ravenfeather told me about Redtail's murder after a bit of effort, but by that time it was far too late. Tigerclaw had a sound alibi and we were both just apprentices, so our word couldn't just be trusted. I convinced Ravenfeather to conceal what he knew, which benefitted both Ravenfeather and Tigerclaw at the time. I always let Tigerclaw know his position wasn't unassailable, letting him know that the circumstances of Redtail's death didn't line up. He got hasty and tried to kill Bluestar first, which fell through and injured Cinderpaw. That's when I knew he needed to fall. Any other questions?" I mewed with a slight head tilt.
"You talk as if meeting Ravenfeather was done solely to get your paws on Tigerclaw. Do you even care for him?" Whitestorm questioned.
"I'll be honest. I did not have good intentions when I first met him, but he proved himself far more than I ever intended. He called me out for trying to manipulate him, so I was candid and struck a deal. He was strong, able to keep going despite fearing his own mentor and getting a deal from a devil like myself, and I learned to love him. He didn't fear me. I could be myself around him. Around both
Fireheart and Tigerclaw, I had to obscure aspects of myself. From Fireheart I needed to conceal my ruthless and selfish nature. From Tigerclaw I needed to conceal my weaknesses and general care for those around me. Only Ravenfeather could I confess my whole being to, and it was cathartic. The more we talked, the more I was willing to give away. He never hated me for being who I am. It was the darndest thing when he teased me that we were friends. It took me a while to even accept that. I'm a selfish and possessive cat. It is so much easier to pretend there is only one worthwhile thing in the world. That was Fireheart to me. Then he managed to sneak his way in. I began to care for him, even getting anxiety when I was away from him for too long. I realized I needed him, and he was kind enough to accept me. So, that's our little love story." I mewed, caught in the memories of our relationship.
"That's honestly adorable." Lionheart mewed teasingly. "I'm now more sure than ever that Bluestar made the right choice. Let's discuss tomorrow's patrols so you can get the general idea of what needs done."
It felt strange that Whitestorm and Lionheart trusted me after all that I revealed. It felt… warm. I'd felt something familiar a while ago back when Ravenfeather and I had first started to get close. Did I consider them friends? Would they even have me as one, given how self-centered of a cat I am? Maybe I'd ask Ravenfeather later. I was already mentally exhausted from telling them this much already.