Chapter 4: A Convoluted Assassination Attempt

It was now night on planet Washington D.C., Padme was going to sleep with R2 next to her bed.

"Hey Anakin! You can sleep next to me in bed, we won't do anything sexual, I promise!" Padme said from her bedroom.

"Padme, no! The Jedi code forbids us fucking each other! Just go to sleep!" Anakin replied.

As Padme goes to sleep in her bed, a probe droid then next to Padme's bedroom window. R2 woke up, the probe droid turned on its cloaking device, R2 then thought he saw nothing and went back to sleep. The droid turned off its cloaking device, then opens a hole, and launches two large centipedes into Padme's bedroom.

Anakin looked into Padme's room. "I sense it too," Obi-Wan said.

The two centipedes are only inches away from Padme's face when suddenly Anakin went into the room and cut both bugs in half. Obi-Wan sees the probe droid and then breaks out of the bedroom window grabbing the droid as it flies into the air.

Anakin and Qui-Gon rush out of the building into a parking lot filled with flying cars. Anakin then takes one car and flies it into the Washington D.C. sky roads. The probe droid swings and hits buildings trying to let Obi-Wan fall. However, a woman bounty hunter shoots her rifle at the probe droid, killing it and causing Obi-Wan to fall down thousands of feet above ground.

Anakin and Qui-Gon drive to Obi-Wan's location. They miss, and Obi-Wan falls to the ground as a giant puddle of blood and guts.

Anakin then drove his speeder quickly to the ground and landed his flying car gently.

"Anakin, don't!" Qui-Gon said, but it was too late.

Anakin got off his speeder and used the Force to reassemble Obi-Wan's body and resurrect the Jedi.

"Not again…" Qui-Gon quietly said.

"There's no time! Look! The assassin that sent the probe droid is on the balcony of that 2000-foot building!" someone said towards the three Jedi.

"Reagan-Nixon? How are you here in the middle of Washington D.C.?" Anakin asked.

Reagan-Nixon waved his hand and said, "You will follow the assassin that sent the probe droid and ignore that I was ever here or that Obi-Wan died and Anakin resurrected him again."

"We will follow the assassin that sent the probe droid and ignore that you were ever here or that Obi-Wan died and Anakin resurrected him again," all three Jedi repeated.

All three Jedi sit on Anakin's stolen speeder and chase after the bounty hunter. Eventually, they get close enough to the bounty hunter's car and then Anakin suddenly jumps toward the other car.

"I hate it when he does that," Obi-Wan said.

Anakin pulls out his lightsaber and stabs at the car's hood as the assassin pulls out their laser pistol. The assassin manages to get Anakin to lose his lightsaber, but luckily Obi-Wan (now driving the three Jedi's speeder) catches it. Anakin then uses his hand to aim the assassin's gun to shoot at their own car. The assassin's car then begins falling from the sky, Anakin jumps from the falling vehicle and onto the ground, and the assassin's car crashes into a street.

The assassin, a human woman in a purple suit, then runs away from the wreck and into a nightclub. Anakin is about to go in when he's suddenly stopped by both Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon.

"She went into that club, Master," Anakin said.

"Patience, use the Force, think," Obi-Wan commanded.

"Yes, Master."

"He went in there to hide, not to run."

"Yes, Master."

"Next time, try not to lose it," Obi-Wan said as he held up Anakin's lightsaber.

"Yes, Master."

"This weapon is your life."

"Sorry Master."

All three Jedi enter the nightclub, "I think he's a she, and I think she's a changer," Anakin said.

"Don't be a far-left communist liberal, Anakin," Obi-Wan replied.

"Go and find her, Obi-Wan and I are going to get some drinks," Qui-Gon said.

Anakin scans and checks out the club. The transforming assassin sneaks up to one of the Jedi. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon get some drinks so they don't stick out.

The assassin was ready to shoot at one of the Jedi when Obi-Wan slices her hand off.

"Easy. Jedi business, go back to your drinks," Anakin told the shocked club customers.

All three Jedi take the assassin to a back alley and begin interrogating her.

"Do you know who it was you were trying to kill?" Obi-Wan asked.

"It was a Senator from Israel," she replied.

"And who hired you?" Qui-Gon asked.

"It was just a job," the assassin answered.

"Who hired you? Tell us. Tell us, now!" Anakin yelled.

"It was a bounty hunter called-" she said before a dart hit her.

All three Jedi see an armored man with a jetpack fly off.

Obi-Wan picks up the poison dart from the assassin's corpse.

Meanwhile, in a hidden room, Count Bill Gates talks to a hologram of Lord Reagan-Nixon.

"The bounty hunters have done their job, one of them kills Padme and if that doesn't work, the other bounty hunter kills the first one and makes themselves obvious through a poison dart so they can track it down to reveal the Republican soldiers America needs to destroy the Middle East-, I mean, stop terrorism," Gates said.

"Excellent," Reagan-Nixon replied.

"Oh, and the other bounty hunter successfully killed Senator Amidala," Gates added.

"Good, good. Wait. WHAT!" Reagan-Nixon yelled.

"I thought you wanted her dead."

"No, you idiot! That part of the plan was just an attempt to get Anakin, the Chosen One, and Padme closer together!"

"But I thought you wanted Amidala dead because she voted against the Military Creation Act?!"

"No, you retard! The majority of the Senate has voted for that Act and I can use the Force to get President Valorum to sign it into reality. I needed Padme to appear in danger so she can fall in love with Anakin, leading him to the Dark Side because Jedi forbid love and other emotional attachments."

"How do you know Anakin has feelings for Padme? Hasn't Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, or the other Jedi Masters taught him not to get emotionally attached during the last ten years?

"I… honestly don't know about that."

"And how did you also know that Padme is single and can fall in love with Anakin and it's lucky that she hasn't been with anyone else for the last ten years?"

"I… also didn't know if Padme was single for her and Anakin to be together."

"Also, did you know that Anakin would save Padme from one of the bounty hunters? And if that bounty hunter successfully killed Padme, how would you show the Republican army to the Jedi, let the Jedi trust them, and then have the Republicans kill the Jedi at your command?"

"Um… I honestly don't know."

"So, this entire plan to not-actually kill Senator Amidala relies on Anakin and Padme being single for the last ten years and two bounty hunters that we can't control or else they'll probably tell everyone about our secrets?"

"Um… when you put it like that, my plan really is kind of… idiotic."