"You were unsure which pain is worse - the shock of what happened or the ache of what never will." - Simon van Booy
.
.
Another November.
Another funeral.
Though this one, even he had to admit, was far more personal to him.
Not to say that the death of Tony Stark hadn't left a mark upon his soul, because, let's not kid around here, it had. Deeply and profoundly. The man, whose parents he had killed in order to gain access to Howard Stark's redesigned supersoldier serum, had been first on his list of reparations. A decision he'd made while he had still been in Wakanda, newly freed from the mind control programming he'd had forced upon him by Hydra.
A reparation he'd never been given the opportunity to make.
A regret - a burden - he would carry for the rest of his potentially long life.
He had, of course, considered offering said reparations to Tony's wife and daughter but as neither of them had known the elder Starks personally it seemed a bit too self-serving.
If they ever asked for his help he would do so in an instant, though given the number of superheroes currently in the world he doubted he'd be anywhere near the top of Pepper's list to call. Hell, Rhodey would probably be far more likely to get a call, or Wilson for that matter.
Bucky sighed softly.
"You okay, Buck?" Sam asked under his breath, clearly not wanting to be heard over the man who was neither a priest nor a pastor, near as Bucky could tell, but had been charged with relegating departed souls to the afterlife of their choice or something similar. In truth, he hadn't really been listening and suspected that whoever had made the arrangements had no idea what the decedent would have preferred for a graveside service.
Not that there had been a grave dug, no hole in the ground to lower a casket into. No, she had adopted yet another tradition that had come about during those long years of the Snap. A marker on a death stone, one of many that had cropped up over the city, country, and world. So many to bury even after half of the population had been removed from existence, too many, so names had been recorded and the bodies burned.
That tradition had remained after the Blip when the population doubled in an instant. Saved space, for gardens, housing, green spaces, and so many other uses for the now considered to be wasted space. Not to say they had gone through and destroyed all those that had been buried previously, no they still had respect for those that had passed before, but the space reserved for future burials had been reclaimed.
The memorial stones had been erected in their place.
Someday his name would be on one as well.
He didn't even lift his head to look at Sam. "No."
Bucky knew if there was a time to lie it would be now, but he couldn't.
He wasn't okay. He didn't know if he'd ever be anything even vaguely resembling okay again.
Oh, he would go on, maybe even move on, but not today. Definitely not tomorrow, but one day the pain of this particular part of his life should fade enough for him to not feel quite so much regret.
And damn did he feel so much regret.
He hadn't expected to ever feel again.
And now those lost emotions threatened to drown him in regret, and sadness, and failure.
And he hated it.
Hated that he'd failed her. Hated that he'd cared enough to be hurt so deeply in this manner. Hated those who had ripped her from his life and left him with an open wound sunk deep into the tissue and that still oozed blood.
The pain was worse in some ways than those few moments of clarity before the Winter Soldier persona forced what was left of Bucky back into that mental cage where he could only watch his life play out in moments and snippets of stolen time.
Why? Because he'd chosen this. Chosen to open himself up and become involved with a woman who, apparently, had her own set of demons haunting her.
Only hers had caught up with her and stolen her away.
Won the game.
Fucking killed her.
If Bucky hadn't texted her for that meeting.
If they'd taken the bike to the restaurant.
If he'd asked and they'd gone back to his place instead.
If. If. If.
So many other choices he, they, could have made and he had made all the ones that led to her death that night.
If he hadn't made her go to the hospital.
"I shouldn't be here," Bucky muttered softly, firmly believing the words.
Sam leaned in to keep their conversation, what there was to it, from being overheard. "Neither should we," he stated, referring to Sarah and the boys who had also come to say a final goodbye to the woman they'd come to call a friend. "But we all need the closure."
"What closure?" Bucky snarled, trying to keep his voice low, but the never-ending anger reared its ugly and ire-filled head. "We will never know why."
Sadly the truth, since the two arrested for shooting her had mysteriously died in police custody. One on the way to the hospital to be treated for a broken wrist courtesy of Bucky. The other in the interrogation room in front of two detectives who had quite literally just entered the room. The camera had caught the entire scene. The faux journalist appeared to have a seizure then simply collapsed into the chair, head lolling ominously to the side. Dead in a seeming instant.
Iris had acquired the video for Bucky after he'd been told that both suspects had died in custody. The EMS video had been far more limited as they were not required to wear body cams like the police, but the shitty camera in the back of the vehicle had shown a similar scenario. A sudden stiffening then the man slouched into death.
Bucky had no idea why he hadn't expected something like that to happen given the similar death of the person who had gone after her with a knife a few months ago. The very same incident which had taken their relationship from friendship to something more.
He would have been fine with the friendship. Shit, he had desperately needed that friendship, but that more had been something precious and exceptionally special.
Fuck. It had been far more than that. It had been important to him.
They'd had only mere months to be together, little more than a summer fling in reality, but it had had a major impact on his life. Much like Sam stumbling back into his world had.
God fucking damn it to hell and back.
It wasn't fucking fair.
"The cops haven't discovered anything?" Sam questioned, brows knit in a mix of concern and dismay.
"Nothing that they're willing to tell me. I've warned Iris to not poke too hard, I don't want her to be shut down." A real danger now that the creator of the borderline AI no longer wandered among the living. Bucky was not looking forward to the discussion he would need to have with her father in order to protect those servers. And not just because of the AI, but that algorithm she had managed to recreate. Granted even she had admitted that there was no way to know for sure if it really worked without, you know, using it, which as far as he knew she hadn't. Just run simulations and checked and rechecked the code a million times and a million ways with the same seemingly positive result.
It worked.
And if it worked then with the right data anyone could be preserved in a hard drive. A virtual simulacrum capable of anything the original was, with some obvious exceptions. Though, given the life granted to Ultron via the Mind Stone, a robot body with a replicated human mind to control it was no longer out of the realm of impossibility.
Still he couldn't imagine killing her over that tech, at least not before they, whoever they might be, had actually had it within their greedy and no doubt dangerous grasp.
Recruiting her by honest or nefarious means, yes.
Killing her? No.
They would have one bitch of a time getting to those servers, and then would need to crack her various encryptions in order to get to the program itself. Though if her family had no real clue what was on the servers they could potentially be manipulated into giving the tech away for a song even if just on the basis that her program that ran the cities facilities during the Blip being important to keep those systems running into the future. Except for the fact that she'd open sourced said base program to the world mere weeks ago. Literally days after he'd pushed her away to save her.
Sam shook his head in clear commiseration. "Damn. This whole mess stinks, Buck."
Bucky nodded in agreement. "I'm looking into it, but all I'm hitting is dead ends and being given warnings to drop it."
"You're not gonna do that are you?"
He should. He really should as some of the warnings had come down from some rather dangerous sources, but he simply couldn't. "No."
"Good. Let me know if you find anything. I'll be there if you need me." Sam clapped a companionable hand on Bucky's shoulder.
It was then a small human smashed himself into Bucky's side, arms wrapping about his waist and squeezing as tightly as he could manage, knowing Bucky could take it.
Thing was Bucky also needed it though he hadn't realized that until the moment it occurred.
He glanced down to see AJ clinging tightly to him. "I'm sorry about your friend," he said as he tipped his head up to meet Bucky's eyes.
"Me too, kiddo." He hugged AJ back one-armed with all due care and caught Sarah and Cass approaching as well. The service was nearly over and while the kids had voiced their wish to be here to say good-bye, even Bucky understood there was a limited amount of time that kids, no matter how sincere in their feelings, could listen to others drone on about a person they had only met a handful of times.
Sarah sidled up to Bucky with a sad smile on her face and gave Bucky a look that clearly stated she would save him from her son if he wished for it. Bucky gave her a tiny shake of his head, willing, for the time being anyway, to pretend to be a real boy and accept the comfort others were willing to give him.
A year ago that number had been extremely small, now there were dozens. Yes, quite a few of them had been her friends originally, but they had become his as well. He'd gotten no few calls, texts and emails from the extended book club, Dez and Jeff, reps from companies she had worked for that somehow knew he had been pulled within her orbit and captured. The number of news agencies, be they paper, TV or streaming asking for a quote on the matter had shocked him.
And it hadn't been because he'd been the Winter Soldier, but simply because he'd been part of her life. Had become part of their lives if only indirectly.
In some circles she'd been more famous than one James Buchanan Barnes, which he found highly amusing. That one public kiss had been enough to tie the two of them together in the minds of the public and they had wanted to know more. No one, as far as he'd been able to determine, knew she'd become their tech guru other than her involvement in that one fundraiser.
Or they didn't care.
Her love life apparently more important than her work life in the minds of her, for lack of a better term, fans. At least those fans that read the tabloids.
"Are you going to the restaurant after this?"
Bucky sighed. "I wasn't planning to, but I suspect you are going to insist that I do so."
Sarah chuckled softly around a frown. "Bucky, I know you don't believe it, but you need this as much as her family."
He shook his head, head tipping to focus on the ground between his dusty shoes, the grass a vibrant green thanks to how wet autumn had been. "I'm an outsider here."
"Then what are we?" Cass questioned causing Bucky to snap his head up to meet the kid's eyes.
"Stop being so damn smart," Bucky muttered under his breath.
"Language," Sarah warned, but he could tell she didn't really mean it. "So many of us
didn't get a chance to say a good-bye when you all vanished, being able to is a privilege and an honor. I promise you will regret it if you don't take the time to do it right."
The sincerity and pain in her voice made the impact she had intended.
Bucky had an entire lifetime of people he'd been unable to mourn. Family and friends who had gone into that long goodnight while he had slept the years away in cryo. People so long gone that by the time he fully became aware of their passing that the hurt could not be eased, it had only been shelved to collect dust and left as a reminder of what he had lost.
He tried to move on. Or so he had thought. Condolences and sorries and loss he could not erase or ease thanks him being so separated in time from the original incident.
Sarah was right.
He needed to do this. To go through every pain-filled step and discover who might come out the other side.
"Yeah. I'll be there."
. . .
Bucky, once again, wished he could get anything even vaguely resembling drunk. He stared down at the whisky in his hand, the large round ice cube popping softly as it warmed and melted from the heat of his hand.
Her family had closed one of the restaurants for the day. All of them actually, and invited all those who wished to remember her to attend. Bucky had only been slightly surprised at the number of people who had shown up. Many, including the current and past mayors, had not stayed long, simply taking a few moments to offer their condolences to her family.
One of the rooms had been filled with food. Everything from appetizers, to main courses to desserts. Food that he had assumed had been catered, but had actually been prepared by employees from not just this, but all of the restaurants owned by the family. They had volunteered their time and energy to provide the bounty and as a way to show their sorrow. She had been involved with keeping everyone who had lost someone employed and supported during that first horrible year.
She had never even mentioned it to him other than in passing. As if it were of no great importance, just one of the many tasks she had taken upon her shoulders during those long five years.
Another hat she had worn without permitting the weight that had been shifted upon her shoulders to break her down.
No, she had most certainly been made of far sterner stuff.
Bucky sighed heavily. All that she had endured and survived during the years of the Blip only to be taken down by some thug on the street.
He finished the drink in his hand and set the glass down on the bar, the ice cube sliding into the side with a soft clink.
He wished it had been just some thug, but he felt certain that whatever had been taking place over the months they'd been together had been something far more sinister and that it involved the work she had done prior to Thanos ravaging half the universe.
Yes, he understood that there would be those who would want that algorithm buried, others who would want to exploit it, but he had a suspicion that without her that wouldn't work. Even if someone could get their hands on her servers, the likelihood they would be able to access and use the program would take months if not years. Hell, for all he knew she had a self-destruct program rigged and the entire system would eat itself in a week without some confirmation code from her. He doubted he would know as she had overall kept her work to herself, only sharing information about Iris since that impacted both him and Sam.
And now... well now that project was most certainly dead just as much as its creator.
"Fuck," Bucky muttered. He looked over the surprisingly large crowd for Sam debating making his apologies before escaping.
Yeah, he needed to be here, but all being here had done was cause him to become angry and upset, and with no one to take those emotions out on he knew he would turn them inward, and that... Well that would not be good.
He would end up doing something that this new Bucky should never even think about doing.
Trouble was, part of him really wanted to.
Wanted to hunt down and find whoever had done this to her and make violently certain that they would do it to no one else. Ever. Again.
He spotted Sam and began to make his way through the crowd when her father stepped out in front of Bucky bringing him to a sudden surprised stop.
"Sergeant Barnes."
Without thinking he responded, "Bucky."
Mr. Lykaios nodded. "Bucky. I wasn't certain you wished to be so familiar, given the situation."
Bucky's heart dropped into his shoes. He'd avoided speaking with her father for just this reason. Hadn't wanted to face the music and hear the reprisals he knew he deserved. "I... I'm sorry," he blurted out, "It was all my fault."
Her father blinked, a look of confusion skittering across his handsome features. "What are you talking about? You stopped them. You got her to the hospital. You stayed by her side and... and..." he trailed off, not needing to finish as they both knew how that evening had turned out.
"Exactly. If I had listened to her..."
Zad cut him off. "You did not do this to her. I have seen the videos. You both did all you could to stop them. I did not know my daughter could fight so well and suspect it was something she learned recently."
Bucky stared stoically ahead, not willing to confirm that he had been the one to blame for that as well. "Sir, I-"
"No, I will not hear another word about it. My daughter cared for you quite deeply and I will not have you taking the blame for something that you were in no way involved in."
Bucky swallowed with great difficulty but did not argue the point. Her father had made it quite clear he would not even entertain the thought that one James Buchanan Barnes had been directly involved in his daughter's untimely demise. "How can I help you, sir?" he asked in a strained but polite voice, wondering exactly why the man had gone out of his way to speak to him.
Zadkeil's entire body sagged, like a balloon that had the air let out of it. "Nienna changed her will recently and gave me a copy to hold on to."
Bucky forced himself to not react, not overly surprised that she had a will given all that she had been through, he simply had no idea why her father was bringing this up today of all days. "Okay?"
"I take it she never mentioned this to you?"
Bucky shook his head. "Wasn't exactly a topic that had come up." Why would it? They'd only been dating a few months and while their relationship had gotten both more serious and more complicated they had still simply been dating and discussions of anything more than that had not been spoken of, yet. He'd had some wild hopes if them getting back together if everything had gone smoothly, but those had been more like fantasies to be considered far in the future.
Hell, he hadn't yet been convinced they should be anything more than friends and colleagues. He had taken to shelving any personal wants or needs in favor of dealing with the necessities of the now. Get through today, deal with tomorrow when it came. It had worked fine, until it hadn't. He'd hoped that by not thinking about her that he could move on.
Instead he'd backslid into that angry persona he'd adopted after returning from wherever he'd been banished to during the Blip. That had not been a good place for him to be, but it had taken Sam calling him out on it before he'd realized he had a serious choice to make with his life.
He had chosen her. And all that being with her entailed.
Little wonder he felt damaged and broken both in body and soul.
"Nienna had a habit of preparing for the worst case scenario even before half the universe vanished," Zad explained in an oddly wistful tone. "I have the feeling she had more than a few plans she hadn't yet shared with you."
"Mr. Lykaios, I really don't understand what you're trying to tell me," Bucky stated in a soft voice even though part of him wanted to grab the man by the shoulders and roughly shake him until the words fell out, to get this over with so he could escape and go wallow in misery alone in his tiny barren apartment. But he held steady knowing damn well the man had just lost his daughter and was mourning her loss even more heavily than Bucky. He had just been the boyfriend, Zad had been her father, raised her, taught her, watched her grow into her own and become a force to be reckoned with. A force willing to take on one cranky former Winter Soldier and prove to him that there would always be those that cared about him no matter what the world at large might think about who and what he was.
The man bowed his head for a long moment, long slow breaths revealing the depths of his grief. When he met Bucky's eyes they were bright with unshed tears.
"Zad, please." He took a slow deep breath then said, "The apartment is yours. The will has to go through probate, but after that it and everything in it belongs to you. It's paid for so you'll just need to take over utilities and taxes and such. My understanding is that all of that can be handled during the probate turnover. Though it'll be four to six weeks before everything is complete. I just wanted you to be aware before the lawyer contacted you."
A wash of icy cold flooded Bucky's veins and based on the other man's look he'd gone dead pale in the golden lighting of the room. "Wha...What?"
Zad nodded slowly. "According to the note addressed to me, at least part of the computer system there is set up for you and Mr. Wilson and she wanted to make certain the two of you continued to have use of it for your work. She made it eminently clear it was of the greatest import that those servers not be disturbed and continued to run for the foreseeable future. Apparently this was her solution to that."
Bucky just stared at him for a long moment. She...she'd left him not just the apartment but her computer system as well? Iris was now his, all her control programs, that algorithm and god only knew what else had now become his responsibility.
Damn her.
God damn her to hell and back.
How the fuck was he supposed to move on if he lived there? If daily he surrounded himself with not just the reminders of what they had but of everything that could have been.
The ground beneath Bucky's feet seemed to shift violently, shaking him to his core. He could say no. Could sell the place. Walk away. Forget.
But...
"Why would she do that?" he questioned of the universe without ever expecting an answer from that cold and foreign entity.
Zad gave him a watery smile. "I think you know why."
Bucky shook his head in utter denial. "No, I really don't"
If Zad was surprised at that response he did not let it show on his features. "You can tell yourself that but the truth is you do know, you are simply afraid to admit it right now. There are things she confided in me that I probably shouldn't share, but this one I think you should hear." He straightened, a sad smile turning up the corners of his lips. "I know the two of you separated for a few weeks, and no I do not know the details of why, but prior to that she had spoken with me about asking you to move in with her."
Bucky had absolutely no idea how to respond to that. She'd kept that secret extremely close to the vest and had not permitted even a hint of those plans to escape. "She what?"
A tiny laugh escaped from her father. "Yes, Bucky, she was that committed to your relationship and to you. So, please, do not pretend that you don't know how she felt about you. Neither of you may have stated it, but it was clear even to me. She wanted you to be happy and sharing her home with you was one way to do that."
"You must think I'm an oblivious idiot."
Zad shook his head. "Different times, different cues. You may have adjusted to modern life well, but I suspect at your heart you're a young man from the forties; living together without marriage was more than just frowned upon."
Hindsight was truly 20/20 as comments made in the weeks leading up to their unexpected separation suddenly took on brand new meanings to him. Questions and suggestions and opinions taking on new tones and adding vibrant colors to where they'd been plain and common prior. "Oh shit."
Zad set a gentle hand on Bucky's shoulder. "I know we both wish things had gone differently, but I can say with certainty she did not regret a single moment she spent with you. I can only hope you can say the same."
Not a question. Just a hope. One not requiring a response.
Bucky responded anyway.
"No. No regrets other than not getting more."
"Speaking of more, I know she had invited you to Thanksgiving, that offer stands. We would love you to join us if you have no other plans."
Bucky hadn't forgotten per se, though he had hoped that her father had. "I don't think that would be appropriate, sir."
"Nonsense, from what I understand you don't have any family aside from perhaps Mr. Wilson, which I suspect means you have no real plans. Please, our tradition involves bringing those who have no nearby family a place to give thanks for whatever reason they have. This year I suspect for many it will be thanks for being returned to being among the living. Which I believe is true for you as well."
Technically, Bucky did have family in the city. Nephews and nieces and cousins thanks to siblings that had gone on after the loss of their brother during that horrible war. In fact his youngest sister, well into her nineties still lived. He even knew where, but he had not yet drummed up the courage to contact her now that he was of semi-sound mind and had his free will restored. Not yet ready to face her and the possible disappointment in what he had done over the decades.
"Good. Now, can I talk you into staying and celebrating the amazing person Nienna was to all of us instead of leaving and blaming yourself yet more?"
Bucky took a beat and realized he no longer really wanted to leave, that being able to share what she had meant to him with others might just ease the pain that had crawled deep inside and coiled tightly about his heart. Staying wouldn't fix everything, or anything really, but it wouldn't really cause it to hurt more either. Pain shared is pain halved, right?
He may not have known Nienna for long, but he had more than enough time with her to share.
Mere moments after Zad had stepped away Sam sidled up next to Bucky. "Well, that looked serious."
Bucky still stared off into the middle distance trying to process what had just happened, replied, "She left me her home and the computer system."
Sam twitched. "Shit."
Bucky's dour expression cracked at that honest reaction. "Shit indeed." He turned to face his friend. "Why would she do that?"
"Because she loved you, you idiot," Sarah stated with the confidence of a woman who always knew more than the men around her. "Besides who else could she trust with the information she has on that system."
Bucky knew Sarah only had a rough idea of what Ni had done for a living, though Sarah was aware that Ni had been assisting Sam and Bucky with their superheroing, but the point still stood. Who else could she hand that data over to? The government? That, Bucky imagined, would not end well. She may have not been equal to say Tony Stark, but she'd still been the one to help save dozens of cities from collapsing into chaos when those who ran the necessary infrastructure had vanished into dust.
Not that he was capable of taking over working on those programs, he was decent with tech, but not of her caliber, not that it mattered, she'd made certain to share the wealth and open source the code for anyone who wanted it.
And only now did Bucky realize why. Even with a contract to the city for another five-ish years, guaranteed money even if she did no more than the occasional update or system check. She'd finished the training module, made the program damn near unfuckupable, and let it go. Not that she'd needed that source of income, her freelance jobs paid extremely well, more than enough for her to maintain her preferred style of living and do whatever her heart desired even if that meant hanging out with him.
Still he got stuck on Sarah's first sentence, not willing to process it fully. Admittedly at the hospital, not long before they wheeled her back for surgery and after they'd given her a good dose of drugs to prep her for said surgery she had told him exactly that. And while he hadn't thought she'd lied or anything, simply exaggerated her feelings due to the situation and the meds, he'd responded with a smirk and an "I know."
But had he known?
While he'd never put words to his feelings for her, he... he...
"Fuck," he muttered aloud.
Sarah's eyebrows shot up. "Tell me you knew this. Knew how she felt about you."
Bucky shook his head. "Knew? I can't say that." He sagged internally, doing everything in his power to not show the utter dismay and confusion and turmoil that currently roiled through his mind in heart.
"You really think she stuck with you all of this time out of friendship?" Sam questioned in an incredulous tone.
"Why not?" Bucky argued, tone darkening somewhat. "You can love your friends, you know."
Sam sighed softly. "Yes, you are right, of course, but one generally doesn't kiss their friends like that."
Sarah snickered. "Sam, leave the man alone, the one time deadliest assassin on the planet has just realized he's oblivious when it comes to women. Must be quite a shock to his ego."
Sam managed to turn the laughter into a terribly fake cough while Bucky scowled at him for a moment before releasing a ragged sigh. "I guess... I never expected to be... liked? I still expect people to judge me for what I was, and yes, that includes you two."
"That sword hanging over your head is yours, Buck. You are the only one who still believes that all people see is the Winter Soldier."
Bucky narrowed his eyes at Sam who instead of backing off doubled down.
"How many friends have you made since coming back from the dead?"
"A few," he admitted.
Sam gestured at the throng of people in the room. "Has a single person in here looked sideways at you?"
"No," Bucky admitted, though a few had taken double-takes at the 'hero' in the building, but then again there'd been more than a few side glances tossed in Sam's direction too. And not because he was one of the few black people in the room. That said, most had seemed to shy away from Bucky while they had approached Sam for handshakes or a few seconds of small talk. "But they'll talk to you, Captain America."
It was Sarah who responded. "Bucky, most of them know you were Nienna's paramore, they know you're hurting and probably don't want to add to it."
Bucky wanted to argue they were talking to Zad and Ni's siblings just fine.
Then Sam added, "Plus you've got that resting murder face thing going. That might just be intimidating to some of them."
Bucky scrubbed a hand across his face in an effort to force himself to relax and not fall into old, programmed, literally, habits. "Am I really that scary?"
Sam chuckled. "To those who don't know you, yeah. Mingle, Buck, talk to them. Share with them. That's the whole point of this. Aren't some of those book club members here? Start with them. Let the others see you're not as unapproachable as you look. I won't say smile because I'm not certain that even I could manage that in your place, but be... open. I'd say drink a few too, but I know that won't make a difference."
"We'll be right with you, if you like. The boys are playing XBox in another room, with some of the other kids, and I'll check on them in a bit." She held out a hand for Bucky to take, which he stared at for a few seconds before gently wrapping his hand about. "Start with someone you know and go from there, okay?"
Bucky swallowed with some difficulty at the rush of emotions that flooded through him. "Okay," he agreed and with Sarah on one side and Sam on the other he made his way towards Dez and Jeff who stood by one of the windows overlooking the busy street chatting with a couple of other people Bucky didn't immediately recognize.
"Into the breach I go."
"Not alone, Bucky, don't forget that. You don't have to do anything alone ever again." Sarah squeezed his hand and the sense of relief that struck Bucky damn near knocked him to his knees.
Even he hadn't realized how much he feared that happening to him. He'd been alone in so many ways for such a long time that adjusting to dealing with people who cared about him had been challenging to say the least. Though why Sarah making that statement had so much more impact than anyone else he couldn't say for certain, but it had.
The only way he would be truly alone again was if he chose to be. He had a support system now, friends, and colleagues who would be there for him should he need it.
And if that wasn't one of the most startling realizations he'd had since not just returning from death, but from being freed from Hydra's control.
Yes, he'd had Steve, but that had been a tangled mess of emotions and memories and then over when he'd moved on leaving Bucky behind to try and put his mess of a life into some sort of order.
They approached the couple and Bucky gathered the courage to make that most of important first moves. "Hey, Dez, Jeff."
They turned to face him, sad smiles upon their faces. "Bucky, we're so sorry."
He shook his head. "Don't be, you knew her far longer than I did."
They glanced at each other as if debating arguing with his statement, as if they had known exactly how Ni had felt about him, and maybe they had, which made him, once again, want to kick himself for being so stupidly blind to what had clearly been obvious to everyone else, then let the moment pass. "She would hate this, you know. All of us standing around being miserable."
"Oh, hell yeah," Sam agreed. He was kind enough not to laugh when Jeff realized who he was.
"Dez, Jeff, I want you to meet Sarah, and Sam Wilson from Delacroix, Lousiana."
Dez shook both their hands while Jeff stared at Sam in what looked like adoration. Dez finally sighed and elbowed the man hard enough to make him grunt. "For heaven's sake, Jeff, just say 'hi.'"
Jeff's Adam's apple bobbed up and down several times before he squeaked out, "You're Captain America."
Sam laughed softly. "I'm off duty right now, please, call me Sam. Nienna was a friend of ours thanks to this one." He hooked a thumb at Bucky.
Sarah gave Bucky's hand one last squeeze then released him. "I'm going to go check on the boys, I'll be back in a few minutes."
Sam leaned in to whisper something to Sarah then turned back to face Jeff who still had stars in his eyes as he stood before not one, but two superheroes. Bucky found it highly amusing especially given the number of double dates they had gone on with him and Ni. Bucky had assumed the shiny had rubbed off ages ago, but apparently the man had just simply done his best to conceal it.
"I swear he's nothing special," Bucky pointed out in an effort to break the man out of his fangirling.
Sam, of course, took umbrage with that. "Hey, I may not have superpowers like your old ass, but I do fly. Like to see you manage that."
Bucky mulled the possibility of that and realized he could probably figure out how to use the powered wings in an afternoon. His Hydra keepers had made certain he could handle pretty much anything with relative ease, be it mechanical or technical. He was about to make some snarky comment to that effect when Dez grumbled under her breath.
"Yay, another dick waving contest."
Bucky snorted and quickly came to the conclusion he'd been the only one to actually hear her. "Sorry, Sam, of course you're special. You are Captain America after all."
Dez cast a sideways glance at him and sighed. "I'm gonna miss her."
That one sentence was more than enough to remind all three men why they were here, dressed in black and wearing white lilies on their lapels. Jeff blinked a couple of times then ducked his head in a clear effort to try to forget that the two men standing across from him were anything more than that.
No, they most certainly were not here for a dick waving contest.
Today they all mourned a friend.
"Me too," agreed Sam. "She was something special."
"What the hell are we going to do without her?" Jeff questioned in a soft voice, he'd known her the longest, going back to their college days and had kept in touch even during the times they had lived in different parts of the country.
Dez seemed startled by her boyfriend's question.
Bucky gave the only answer that made sense. "We keep going. That's all we can do." He had no clue exactly how to do that, but he knew he'd figure it out. He'd kept going when Steve broke the Hydra programming, he'd kept going once Shuri had removed the programming and given him a second chance at a real life, had kept going after returning from wherever Thanos had sent him and half the living universe, and he would keep going now. Would always feel indebted to her, to Nienna, for giving him the chance to be something more than the former Winter Soldier, and to be nothing but Bucky Barnes.
She had taken the new beginning that Sam and Sarah had all but forced upon him and helped it grow and flourish. While part of him did not want to go on without her, he knew he had to if only to honor her memory and everything she had given to him so freely.
He nodded to himself. "We keep going."
Sam clapped a hand on his shoulder. "We will, Buck."
Dez actually dabbed at her eyes with the tissue that she held tightly in her hand.
"I'm going to miss her cooking," Jeff stated with a wry twist of smile, obviously making an effort to lighten the dour mood as much as it could be under the circumstances.
Dez choked on the surprised laugh the statement pulled from her. "Oh, fuck, yes," she said. "Those tomatoes she grew made the best red sauce I have ever tasted."
Just the memory of it made Bucky's mouth water. He'd happily enjoyed those tomatoes many times over the last few months. Ni may not have chosen to become a chef like her mother, but the potential had been there.
That simple statement broke the ice dam that had built up in the days since her death and they spent the next several hours reminiscing about their friend. People joined and shifted away, they shared food and drink and did their best to honor the memory of the person they had lost.
Still, many hours later, he returned to his small apartment alone
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"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." - Norman Cousins
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fin