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What I've Done

Chapter 20

~Midoriya's POV~

Bakugo has hardly said a word since helping me redirect Shino's attention, which means I haven't spoken much either. Normally, I would be grateful for the silence, but something about his behavior is making me severely uncomfortable. I've been doing so well controlling my emotions since Tomura last visited me, but seeing Bakugo look so guilty and desperate is overwhelming.

"Are you okay, Kacchan?" I ask, the act of starting a conversation making me feel physically ill. My mouth fills with bile, stomach twisting in warning that I'm doing something very wrong.

Bakugo's eyes go wide, and he trips over his feet, though he manages to regain balance before falling. His expression is now full of disbelief and awe, staring at me as though something miraculous has occurred. He must realize this is the first time I've intentionally started a conversation.

"Y-Yeah… I'm fine, Deku…" He eventually murmurs.

I'm not convinced; I don't think I've ever seen Bakugo even slightly uncoordinated before. I placed first in the quirk assessment, but he came in 4th behind Yaoyorozu and Todoroki. Is that what's making him so upset? It doesn't feel right to ask, and not just because I know I'm supposed to ascertain answers by myself.

Bringing up his abject failure at evening being second best seems unnecessarily cruel. I shouldn't care; he bullied me relentlessly for basically the same thing when we were kids, but… I just can't do it.

"Actually," he starts, his gait slowing until he stops walking completely. "I'm… I'm not fine… I didn't think… Didn't realize…"

Tears begin forming in Bakugo's downcast eyes and he scuffs the sidewalk while shifting his weight back and forth, tapping his toes on the ground in agitation. I stop walking as well and turn back to him, growing more unnerved.

"You, uh… Since you got back you've only ever worn long-sleeved shirts and pants… at least around me." He grinds out, rubbing his nose on his sleeve and sniffling roughly in an attempt to keep his spiraling emotions under control—something I'm increasingly finding difficult to do as well.

"I knew you'd been hurt but today I saw what those bastards actually did to you. I had no fucking clue you'd been tortured like that, Deku…" Bakugo finally admits, peering up at me with penetrating, endless sadness. "If I'd just been less of an egotistical bastard back then, you never would have been alone and vulnerable. I know you said you don't blame me for being kidnapped, but I'm still so fucking sorry."

~0.0~

Bakugo's POV

It's not like I didn't know that Izuku had been seriously abused during his captivity. At least 90% of the time, he's little more than a body running on autopilot… Going through the motions of everyday life without any intent or emotion.

Startling him into a dissociative state at the beach had made me wonder what all had been done to him, but I was too much of a coward to really consider the possibilities beyond what I could easily see—namely his hands being busted and scarred, some of his fingers still crooked from breaking and not healing properly.

Seeing him changing today in the locker room forced me to face reality though and I don't think I can't handle it… My memory has always been an incredible asset, but that fleeting glance was enough for me to memorize where each scar was and its severity. They're all I see when I look at him now; it doesn't matter that they're covered by his uniform.

I bow with my apology, guilt over his abduction stronger than it's ever been before. Izuku has never blamed me, he made that clear, but if I'd been by his side, he wouldn't be covered from his neck to his toes in horrific scars.

Silence draws out endlessly between us, but I can't bring myself to look up until he's responded. Just as with my parents, I'm terrified of what I'll see in his face.

"It's alright, Kacchan," he eventually responds, his voice unnaturally even. "I was weak back then, but my masters made me strong."

A tremor of anguish and anger rattles my bent body and I have to consciously fight the urge to growl or cry. Izuku was never weak; his still being alive and so good-natured after what he's endured is proof of that.

It's the kind of inner power that few people in the world have… the kind that comes once in a generation. That's why All Might chose Izuku to become the next One for All wielder. Izuku's strength is something that I feared back then and admire now; it's what made me fall in love with him.

But I know that there's no convincing him of any of these truths, at least not for a while. As I finally stand straight once more, I can see now more than ever how desperately he clings to what he believes is real. It's the only way his mind can survive what's been done to him.

Instead of arguing, I pull him into another tight hug, holding him close so that maybe he can feel what I'm still too afraid to say out loud. 'I love you, Izuku…'

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~Midoriya's POV~

I'm nervous about my first real 'hero training' class. Being around All Might is difficult enough normally but it will likely be worse now that he'll be actively teaching me hero garbage. Not to mention how awkward things were between Bakugo and me after 'orientation' yesterday.

I need to focus on something else, something that doesn't threaten my wavering hold over my emotions. Shameful though it is, what steals my attention is everyone's costumes. I shouldn't be so excited since they're heroes, but some of the designs—especially Bakugo's—are really cool!

This is my first time having my own suit too, something I've wanted ever since I was a little kid. Tomura said I didn't need one since I was still growing and wasn't allowed out of the hideout, but it was always so awesome to see him wear his.

I wouldn't ever dream of outshining Tomura though, so, I made sure to dial back my creativity when it came to design. My suit is simple but effective. It's dark green with a red utility belt for things like a medical kit, white gloves, black and red combat boots, and a metal brace to protect my neck. Though just about everyone else has some form of headgear, I decided against any for myself. When my mission is complete and I get to go home to Tomura, I want to stand beside him proudly, not hide behind some mask. Besides… He likes to play with my hair, and I want to make sure he can reach my curls whenever he wants.

Shinso unsurprisingly pulled a great deal from Aizawa's costume. He has a black combat suit with Eraserhead's signature capture scarf, but his is unique in that the trim is an electric purple and he has a black mask covering the lower part of his face rather than yellow goggles.

"So, what do you think, Deku?" Bakugo hums with pride, showing off the large gauntlets on each of his wrists. "Pretty awesome if you ask me."

His exposed upper arms ripple with muscle, the sight nearly enough to make me lose interest in costumes completely. Focus, damn it! This is not the time, and he is not the person. "Oh, um…" I stall, trying to get my thoughts under control. "Yeah, they are Kacchan. You said they accumulate your sweat so that you can use larger explosions, right?"

Bakugo nods while eyeing my costume, his expression a mixture of pride and for some unknown reason, dissatisfaction. "You know, my suit has pretty much the same design as when we were kids, but yours is completely different.

Vaguely, I recall the drawings we'd made together, stretched out on our stomachs with crayons and papers strewn around us. We had spent hours talking about what we would wear once we were heroes… but as the memories come back, I only feel sick to my stomach. What an idiot I was back then.

"Hey, Deku," Bakugo calls, his voice holding a sense of urgency. "I didn't mean I didn't like the new look. I just wasn't expecting it, that's all. It looks really good, I swear."

He's worried about me again, something I'm getting better at noticing. No matter what I think about, Bakugo appears capable of seeing the barest hints of expression on my face; I've got to be more careful, especially now that we're at UA.

"Did you have any special gear made?" He asks next, the anxiety in his eyes somehow more unnerving while in hero garb.

I shake my head, not having seen the point. "If I use the full power of my quirk, the energy tears through my clothes, but I'm nowhere near that level yet, so, I'm just sticking with the basics for now."

"Who needs a flashy costume, right Izuku?" Shinso chimes in, lightning zapping between him and Bakugo soon after. I'm not sure they could be more different personality-wise, and their suits really show that fact.

Peering around, I find most people's outfits also match their personality and are functional for their quirk… Except Todoroki's. As I have deeper insight than most people, I know that his suit is a very obvious middle finger towards Endeavor, his father. That does make me smile just the faintest bit; Todoroki has plenty of reason to join Tomura's cause.

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~Bakugo's POV~

Fuck.

I wasn't stupid enough to think that we'd never run battle simulations during hero training, but I didn't think it would start out like this. It's our very first day and I somehow get picked for a villain team, which is already bad enough, and then Deku gets put on the hero team I'm up against. And we're up first, which means there's no time to ease into this shit situation.

Both All Might and Shinso looked back at us closely as everyone else left for the observation area, clearly worried. Deku didn't say a word to me, just stiffly walked off with gravity girl to make a plan. I should be doing the same with my partner, but I don't think I can do it.

The only way my team can hope to win this match is if I go head-to-head with Deku. Iida is fast, but the building layout would hamper his quirk to some extent, not to mention how screwed he'd be if Deku managed to get in close. In terms of close combat ability, I bet there's no comparison. Gravity Girl is more or less an afterthought; she's dangerous if she can touch us, but I think she's someone four-eyes can handle.

I'd rather fail though. I promised Deku that as long as I was around, he'd never get hurt again; I can't fucking attack him even if it isn't a real fight. This is too damn close to the way things were before he was kidnapped.

"It's best if I stay here and empty the room of items Uraraka can use her quirk on," Iida states plainly, unwittingly making my worst nightmare a reality. "Most likely, Deku will launch an attack to give Uraraka a chance to find the weapon, so, it makes sense for you to be our primary defense."

Iida pauses for a moment, posture somewhat tensing before he places a hand on my trembling shoulder. "If that plan is okay with you, that is. I realize how uncomfortable you must be given the circumstances. Do you have a plan you believe would be more suitable?"

Fucking great. I bet the entire class can see me struggling to keep my shit together, All Might too. They all know that something really bad happened to Deku after the locker room incident and I've made it pretty damn clear that no one gets near him unless I allow it.

"No." I finally manage to grind out. "You can't take Deku in a fight. One way or another I'll have to face him so we might as well get it over with and try to win this."

Iida nods with understanding and sets to work while I make my way to the door. Our match is about to start.

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Let me know what you think about the chapter and what you think will happen during the training exercise! :)