[[In the cold opening, the camera pans to the Griffin Family in front of their house]
Peter: Hi! My name's Peter. This is my wife Lois, our dog Brian, and my kids Chris, Meg and Stewie. And together we make the Griffins! And we're like a regular American family. And in fact, our family shares the same values that your fam-
[Peter's interrupted by a short, loud fart coming from the left, catching the family off-guard. They look to Peter who has a surprised look]
Peter: Brian!
Brian: Oh sure, blame the dog!
Theme Song:
It seems today that all you see is violence in movies, and sex on TV. But where are those old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? Lucky... there's a family Guy...
[Later, it was nighttime. Everyone was then at the kitchen table. Well, except for Peter, who wasn't there. There, Lois was busy getting dinner ready, Chris was doing homework and writing notes, Meg was reading a magazine, and finally, the baby Stewie was on a high chair, appearing to be adjusting to what appeared to be a ray gun.]
Meg: Mom, do you my lips are too thin? I'm thinking about seeing if I can get collagen injections.
Lois: Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self image.
[Cutaway gag to Adolf Hitler as a scrawny little weakling working out at the gym]
Hitler: YOWCH! I've schprained mien muskel! Damn these schtupid weighten!
[Hitler sees a muscular Jew getting adored by two sexy ladies]
Lady #1: Oh, Mr. Goldberg. You're so strong.
Mr. Goldberg: Well, you know us Jews pride ourselves on our strength.
Lady #2: Your Polish culture turns me on.
Hitler: [growls]
[End of cutaway gag]
Stewie: Excellent. The mind control device is nearing completion.
Lois: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb!
Lois: Oh, don't pout honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.
Meg: Yeah, I remember the day Stewie was born. He was the only baby I've ever seen who came out smiling.
Stewie: But of course, that was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!
Lois: No toys, Stewie. Stewie: Very well, then. Mark my words. When you least expect it, your uppance will come.
Meg: Mom, it's kinda cold in here. Can I turn up the heat?
Lois: N-N, don't touch the thermostat, Meg, your father gets upset.
Meg: Oh, come on. This thing goes up to 90.
[Meg adjusts the heat, and Peter enters the room quickly]
Peter: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg: Man, how do you always know?
Peter: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the children are messing with the dial.
Father #1: Hey, Peter, my thing went off, your thermostat okay?
Peter: Yeah, s'alright.
Father #2: Hey, is my kid over here?
Father #1: Forget it, false alarm.
Brian: [cutting around Peter's behind] Whoa, ass ahoy. Say, uh, Peter, it's seven o' clock, and you still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Lois: He's going to a stag party.
Peter: Now Lois, before you say anything, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house and as the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.
Lois: Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble.
Peter: Lois, honey, alcohol's not that bad. I mean, I gave Chris his first taste of beer when he was a kid and he turned out okay, [to Chris] didn't ya, pal?
Chris: I'm gonna go get wasted. [leaves]
Peter: Okay, bye. Look both ways. [turns to see Lois giving him a look] Come on, you're worrying about nothing.
Lois: Oh yeah? Well remember that time when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?
[At a church, a pastor was giving a sermon to everyone]
Priest: And so, the lord God smote poor Joe with festering boils all over his body.
God: Aw, God. I hate it when he tells this story.
Priest: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.
[While the pastor was talking, Peter was taking a rather big sip from the Communion cup he was allowed to drink, then he coughed]
Peter: [intoxicated] Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Uh, yes?
Peter: [drunkenly] Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
Meg: And then there was that time at the ice cream store.
[The Griffins were inside an ice cream parlor, each family member, except Lois, who was holding Stewie, and Brian having their own scoop of ice cream]
Peter: Aw, Rum Rasin's my favorite. [As he takes a single lick, he passes out on a nearby table]
Brian: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
[The Griffins were at a theater crying like the other moviegoers, whilst Peter seemingly observing something about the movie they were watching. He then realizes the subject as he claps his hands together]
Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks. That it's. Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he said is a stitch.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDs.
Peter: KAHAHAHAHA!
Lois: Peter, promise me.
Peter: Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.
[Smash cuts to the stag party]
Glenn Quagmire: Hey, who wants to play Drink the Beer?
Peter: Right here [chuggs his beer].
Quagmire: Heh, you win!
Peter: Alright! What do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh, I'm going for the high score.
Quagmire: Well, actually, Charlie's got the high score.
[Quagmire pointed to the man urinating in a grandfather clock]
Charlie: Hey, man. Your clock won't flush.
[Cleveland comes up to Peter and Quagmire]
Cleveland Brown: Hello, Peter. I didn't expect to see you here.
Peter: Oh, hey, Cleveland! Hey, it's quick-lipped Cleveland. Cleveland, recite all the states in 60 seconds, go.
Cleveland: Oh, okay then. Alabama ... Alaska ... Arkansas ...
Peter: Oh, heh, wait. I forgot. You don't talk fast at all.
Quagmire: No, you're thinking of me, quick-lipped Quagmire, but I don't use my lips for talking fast. [pretends to motorboat a girl]
Quagmire: Hey, Peter. Check this out. [dumps beer on his face] Look at me, I'm a black guy! [imitating Sanford] I'd never hit a lady, but I'd hit her.
Peter: Oh, that's hilarious. Let me try. [dumps beer on his face] [imitating George Jefferson] Ay, gimme money, jive turkey!
Cleveland: Oh, that's funny. Okay, let me try with my vanilla beer. [dumps vanilla beer on his face] Hi. I'm white. [imitating Archie Bunker] You're a meathead. [chuckles] [Peter and Quagmire glare at Cleveland]
Peter: That's not funny.
Quagmire: Yeah, that's offensive!
Peter: How dare you?
Quagmire: Racist!
Cleveland: ... I guess I misread the room.
Peter: You know, I feel kind of bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
Quagmire: Aw, don't feel bed, Peter.
Peter: Huh, gee. I never really thought of it like that.
Man: Hey! did you bring the porno?
Peter: [holding up a video cassette entitled Assablanca on the front] Did I bring the porno, eh? Who am I? Some kind of porno-not-bringer? You're all gonna love it. It's a classic.
[The guys were watching the movie on a couch. The movie they were watching was an erotic version of the classic film Casablanca]
Man in Trenchcoat: Listen, Ilsa. If I tske this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not today. But soon, and for the rest of your life.
Quagmire: Oh, come on, Ilsa! Get on!
[Back in the movie, Ilsa then took off her robe, revealing herself in her underwear. Just as she was about to remove her bra, static cuts the scene to a picture of the Statue of Liberty]
Announcer: The statue was originally a gift from France.
Charlie: What the hell is this?!
Peter: Aw, crap. Chris must've taped over this for history class.
[Almost all the guys there groaned in disappointment].
Man: Aw, the Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?
Peter: Boys, boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot.
Quagmire: Eh, that's just crazy enough to work.
[Soon, they were all busy slurping and consuming much alcohol in order to satisfy their specific needs. Then morning arose and the family was having breakfast. The catch, however, was that they were having their breakfast on top of a hungover Peter, who was already awake]
Lois: Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father.
Peter: Thanks, son.
Meg: I kind of don't wanna eat my pancakes.
Brian: Yeah, feels weird eating off his crotch.
Chris: Heh-heh, that's cool that Dad slept in the kitchen.
Peter: Now, kids, this is not a good example. Daddy only drank so The Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Lois: Peter, I honestly don't believe you. You spent the night on the kitchen table and you're still drunk.
Peter: I'm sorry honey, are you mad?
Lois: No, I'm just very dissa- [her chair collapses and she falls]
Meg: Mom, are you alright?!
Lois: My goodness, this chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly I almost broke my neck.
Stewie: Damn! [violent music plays]
Peter: Look honey, I-I'm late for work, can we talk about this when I get back?
Lois: Alright Peter, but we haven't finished this conversation.
Peter: Okay, bye.
[Peter then passed out rolling off the table along with the family's breakfast.]
[Peter went to his workplace, the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory. Peter's boss, Mr. Weed was checking up on his workers' progress.]
Mr. Weed: How are you coming, Johnson?
Johnson: Well, Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line and as you can see, they look great.
Soldier Toy: You call these bagels?
Johnson: Whoa! I'm glad he's on our side!
[Mr. Weed came to Peter, who was asleep behind a conveyor belt that had different types of toys going by on it]
Mr. Weed: Peter!
Peter: W-W-What?
Mr. Weed: Are you sleeping on the job?"
Peter: Uh, no. There's, uhh, a bug in my eye and I'm tryin' to suffocate him.
Mr. Weed: Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for toys that could be hazardous to children. Now, look sharp!
Peter: Uhh, yes, sir!
[As Mr. Weed left, Peter went right back to sleep, where after one row of what were innocent playthings soon became a mini gallery of lethal weapons, such as a knife, a power socket, a tank of gasoline and etc.]
Tom Tucker: Welcome back to Action News 5. As always, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story tonight: When toys attack. Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.
Tom: Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane.
Mr. Weed: Peter, I am appalled! Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation! You're fired!
Peter: Aw, jeez. For how long?
[That night back home, Peter told the family the news of what happened]
Lois: I don't believe Peter, you got fired!?
Chris: Way to go, dad. Fight the machine!
Stewie: How do you know about the machine?
Peter: Now don't worry, kids. We're still gonna put food on this table. Just not as much. So, uh, things might get a little competitive at the table.
Meg: Who cares about food. Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!
Brian: Hey, uh, Peter, can we put her out on the yard for a while?
Lois: Peter, you know this is all because you drank at the stag party.
Peter: I know, Lois, honey, you were right. Alcohol is trouble.
Stewie: What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.
[Peter works as a sneeze guard at a salad bar and an old lady is about to sneeze]
Peter: [points gun at lady] Take it outside, lady.
[Cut to a scene from "The Sound of Music"]
Max Detweiler: And the grand prize goes to: The Von Trapp Family Singers!
[Peter is dressed in leiderhosen with a sousaphone]
Peter: Oh, that is bullshit!
Peter: Chris, that's it! I'll go on welfare!
Lois: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in Hell!?
Lois: Well, no dessert for you, young man.
Peter: Boy, who would have thought getting drunk at a stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government?
Brian: This is why I don't vote.
Brian: Peter, you-you might want to call the welfare commission, that-that check is obviously an oversight.
Peter: Well, not necessarily, uh, Maybe I'm like their one millionth customer.
Lois: Peter, you bought the statue of David?!
Meg: God, it so embarrassing in the sky.
Peter: Look, I just rented it. They're gonna be ticked, though, the penis broke off when I packed it into the car.
Brian: Yeah, well that's a bad part, anyway.
[Peter throws the penis and it breaks into Quagmire's house]
Quagmire: [pulls out a horseshoe] Shoot, these things are lucky.
Lois: I am so mad I can't see straight!
Peter: Oh, no problem. We got the money to get that fixed with enough left over for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into ... just like the Kennedys.
Lois: You know, I-I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by fixing money!
[Lois storms off]
Peter: Ah, boy she's pretty pissed huh?
Brian: [sarcastic] Yeah, who would have thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons?
Brian: Amazing, you can barely drive a car and yet, you're allowed to fly a blimp?
Peter: Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the south.
Peter: Ah, boy, I really let Lois down this time. You think she'll wait for me?
Brian: [sarcastic] Oh come on, if every woman dumped her husband just for crashing a blimp into The Superbowl, no one would be married.
Peter: Yeah, you're right.
Brian: Well, I think it's time to hit the hay.
Peter: Okay, I got the top bunk.
[Peter jumps on the top bunk and it crushes Brian on the bottom]
Brian: Ow.
Peter: Okay, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I just saw one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey.
Judge Blackman: Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! [Judge Blackman bangs his gavel]
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
[The Kool-Aid Guy breaks in]
Kool-Aid Guy: Oh yeah!
Stewie: Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice fairs against .. the device!
[Stewie uses his mind control device in Judge Blackman; It doesn't work but Judge Blackman is swayed by Stewie's cuteness]
Judge Blackman: [to Peter] Is that your boy?
Peter: What? Uh, oh, uh, yeah, that's Stewie.
Judge Blackman: Gosh, I can't separate a kid that young from his father. It's ... It's unjust. Ah, hell you've learned your lesson, right?
Peter: Yeah!
Judge Blackman: Alright, you're off the hook.
Peter: Oh wow! Can you give me my job back?
Judge Blackman: No.
[Stewie uses the mind control device and it actually works, indicated by swirly lines appearing in Judge Blackman's eyes]
Judge Blackman: I mean yes.
Meg: I sure am gonna miss being rich.
Peter: Oh, don't worry. I got a way to get money.
Brian: Not another welfare scam.
Peter: No, no, no. [puts on an afro wig] Minority scholarship. Hehehehehe... [Peter then winks at the audience as he gives a thumbs-up at his next misadventure as if the show is over]
Meg: Probably not a good idea.
Lois: No, ... no.
Brian: No, no.
Chris: Bad idea, Dad.
Stewie: Are you insane?
Peter: Uh, okay, I mean, uh, uh, sexual harassment suit! [takes the ushanka off and puts on a blonde wig and rips his shirt open] Hehehehehehe...
Lois: I don't think so.
Meg: No way!
Brian: No no no.
Chris: That's terrible.
Stewie: Absolute outrageous!
Peter: I mean, uh, uh, okay, uh, disability claim!
[Peter knocks himself out cold with a baseball bat and lays there unconscious; The episode ends]