No Way Back

by Courtesy Trefflin

Crosshair knew CX-2 was Tech but was there really a point in telling his brothers when Tech's mind was lost forever? And now with Tech's actual death by his brothers own hands on Tantiss, it's a secret Crosshair has every intention of keeping forever. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

No Way Back

Author's Note: Idk what dark hole this crawled out of but after seeing the last episode of Season 3, I couldn't stop thinking about how poor Tech got left behind on Tantiss forever...

~ Tirana Sorki

---

"You had your chance to be one of us. You chose the wrong side."

"You should be more careful with your shooting hand."

Crosshair jerks awake with a quiet gasp, tears burning his eyes, the desperate panic of that moment clawing his throat and he can't breathe and he can't –

That was Tech.

It –

Can't stop remembering the desperate panic clawing in his chest at that moment, when Tech had knocked him down, stepping on his arm. He thought he was going to kill him. He – he wouldn't have cared if he had, even if he may not have wanted the last thing he ever knew to be that it was Tech who did this.

But considering that everything that happened to Tech was because of him, maybe it would've been fitting.

But then he'd –

Done what he did instead.

Can't stop remembering that masked face standing over him, the knife swinging down, or the agonizing pain that followed. The last thing he'd seen was the blood everywhere before he'd blacked out and –

Then he'd woken up in the training room, trapped and unable to move, and –

He can't move right now either. Something's holding him down and that's all he can think about as he tries to jerk away, heart pounding. It takes a moment to sink in that what's holding him so tightly this time is actually Wrecker's arm wound around him – not the restraints he's gotten so used to being trapped under.

Wrecker stirs a little half-under him, opening his eyes. Despite how he's still recovering from his broken ribs and the long list of other injuries AZI listed off, he's still no less inclined to snuggle, even if he's been a little less aggressive about it. It's the first time they've really done it since... since before Kaller.

"Crosshair?" Wrecker asks, concern in his eye.

"I'm fine," he mutters, twisting to press his face against Wrecker's shoulder as though it could block out the world when half of what's haunting him is in his mind.

Wrecker doesn't press, sliding an arm around his back and holding him tightly again. They both know what nightmares are like, after all. Sometimes not talking about them at all is easier. For him at least.

Crosshair tries to focus on the feel of being pressed against Wrecker, instead of the –

That last moment in the training room.

His gut is rolling and he wants to throw up again just remembering.

That was Tech.

And Hunter had thrown an electrostaff right through him and it's probably for the best that his brothers don't know and never will, but he can't stop thinking about it. They killed Tech. They –

That – that was Tech.

Or at least, the hollow empty shell that his body had become with his mind gone.

He can't stop remembering that moment. He'd been frozen with shock for a moment. Kind of thought it might happen but he never truly expected it to or to be that – like that – But his mind had been so muddled from the sharp pain in his arm and Hunter had told him to come so they could get Omega before it was too late and he'd run and not looked back but that was Tech and they killed him and he's gone –

And they killed their brother.

Tech never died on Eriadu.

By the time Omega had been able to bring herself to tell Crosshair about what had happened on Tantiss, he already knew. And he already knew that even if his body were still alive, it was too late.

Tech was alive and Crosshair never told his brothers. It had... bothered him sometimes but then he couldn't help thinking about how they would demand to go after him, even knowing that his mind was gone. Because it was. Crosshair saw it happening, all the while knowing there was nothing he could do to stop it. He was in that training-torture room every day with Tech for months. Tech didn't know who he was anymore.

If they had tried to go back for Tech, he didn't doubt he'd lose another one of them in the process. He didn't want to think about watching Hutner or Wrecker or both cut down by Tech. And that was all Crosshair's fault.

His brothers had gone to Eriadu to come after him.

Tech was captured because of him.

He lost his mind because of him.

He never felt like him anymore to Crosshair especially not after he was put in stasis as a successful Clone X project, but that doesn't change that it was him.

He was already gone, though. Not that it makes it any better. It hadn't felt entirely final until that moment even if Crosshair had already accepted that he was gone.

He wants to cry just thinking about it again. He's gone forever and he's never coming back and that was true even when he was still alive with his mind wiped but for all that Crosshair's had months to deal with that, it never feels like it gets easier. Not really.

He'd gladly spend hours listening to Tech rambling blabla nonsense and actually stay awake for it this time if it just meant he would be back.

He'd gladly have him come back just to hurt him again if that meant he'd actually be back and remember them, that they could be together again, that –

But that's never going to happen. This is permanent and he knew that so long ago but... but.

Crosshair tries to press a little closer to Wrecker while still being mindful of his injuries, only to remember again that he doesn't have a hand.

Felt like he did for a moment.

Ugh.

The hand that he lost to Tech.

Tech hurt him.

Not that he can blame him for that when Tech lost his mind because of him, even if he doesn't remember any of that.

"You had your chance to be one of us. You chose the wrong side."

Maybe he's said that about Crosshair leaving the Empire but that's not what it felt like. Tech was the first of his brothers to walk away after Crosshair told them he wasn't coming back. After Crosshair abandoned them for literally nothing.

If Tech wanted to hurt him after well – everything, especially Eriadu...

It felt deserved.

Doesn't change quite how sick he feels inside, remembering how they used to be.

Hunter and Tech always took care of him and Wrecker when they were young. That's just how it was. Tech was always gentle with him. Never – Nothing was like that.

Nothing...

And now Tech is gone.

Forever.

There's no getting him back.

Not that there was, to begin with. All traces of his memories were already gone.

But they still killed Tech.

Forget trying to go to sleep right now. He doesn't want to close his eyes and resee the last moment he'll ever see of him – pinned to the wall with an electrostaff and knowing that was their brother and what did they just do to him.

Or the last moment he saw Tech when he was still himself, the last moment on Kamino before he'd walked away.

Doesn't want to start seeing again all the things he did to Hunter or Wrecker either.

Or the moment he lost his hand.

Or all the things that happened to him on Tantiss, whether in the training room or when Hemlock wanted information out of him.

He doesn't mean to disturb his twin – Tech had told him that he and Wrecker were twins, apparently stuck in the same tube for a while and they'd spent a ridiculous length of time arguing about whether Wrecker was so big because he stole all of Crosshair's food – but he doesn't think he physically can sleep right now. Some nights are better than others. A couple of the nights he's been back with his brothers, he slept better than he ever has since before Kaller but then there are other nights that... aren't easy.

Crosshair carefully eases himself out of Wrecker's grip, trying not to disturb him, except his breathing hadn't evened out yet so he stirs the moment Crosshair slides to his feet.

He whispers a "I'll be back" before he tiptoes away from him to just... think. Kind of wishes he hadn't gotten up a second later though because at least he felt moderately safer in Wrecker's arms, for the first time since... before everything fell apart.

Crosshair grew used to not sleeping inside the Maurader anymore but it's still weird when he's back with his brothers now. It's still hard to believe their ship is gone forever too.

Everything had been happening so fast when they lost it. His first thought had been to panic about Wrecker – ignoring how his mind was replaying the moment he nearly had Wrecker and all his other brothers fried inside that ion engine and hadn't even cared then – and they'd lost Omega and that was all he could focus on but it... hurts that the Maurader is gone. He hardly got to spend any time in it after coming back and it was the most of a home they had other than their room on Kamino and it... was lost. Not that it's half as important as nearly everything else, but still.

He slips outside of the room they're staying in, into Pabu's still warm night air. It's nothing like it was outside at night on Kamino, even if they're still surrounded by water.

Crosshair catches the movement of the shadows even before he sees the quiet shuffling and spots Hunter standing up next to the wall, overlooking the rest of the island.

Didn't realize he was awake too right now.

Crosshair hesitates for only a moment before going to join him. He tries to put both hands on the railing, somehow momentarily forgetting that he doesn't have another hand.

It's so annoying how he keeps trying to move his hand, only to keep remembering that he doesn't have one anymore. He keeps trying to clench it or move it only for nothing to happen. It keeps feeling like he still has a hand, like the phantom sensations that he used to feel in it are still there. but they aren't.

Emerie had helped treat it for him –the bleeding had been stopped on Tantiss so he wouldn't bleed out because Hemlock apparently still badly wanted him alive even though he already should have realized the programming wasn't going to work, not again – but Emerie had helped Crosshair treat the rest of it.

Something to make herself feel better over all the brothers she's hurt – but at least she didn't hurt the brothers she grew up with, the ones she played with and fought with and argued with and slept in cuddle piles with or the ones she walked out on when they asked her back after so long, because she never had anyone.

Unlike Crosshair himself.

The sensation at the end of his arm is deadened now, even if it's only for right now. She'd insisted that he should use painkillers for at least the initial aftermath, even if apparently the lingering sensations of pain and expecting to have a limb normally last for months.

But he can't help how he's torn between feeling vaguely nauseous at the sight – not that he hasn't seen worse injuries but this was a piece of him and he's never getting it back – and... feeling an inexplicable level of relief.

It – now that it's gone it somehow makes the guilt that's been tearing him apart for months feel less overwhelming. It feels like – like he finally paid a bit of something for what he did.

That was the hand he used to shoot Wrecker.

The hand he used to try to cut Hunter's throat.

At least he wouldn't be ableto hurt them anymore if he wanted to. Which he certainly doesn't but it doesn't change that he did and –

But any relief he might feel at finally feeling like he can... stop obsessing over everything he did to his brothers doesn't stop how he keeps forgetting that it's a problem and keeps trying to use it.

It's getting annoying.

"How is it?" Hunter asks, side-eyeing Crosshair when his arm decides to make a pathetic attempt at touching the wall again.

Honestly.

Stop it, mind.

"Getting used to it," Crosshair supplies. It's not alright but he'll deal with it. It's for the best.

"You sure you don't want a replacement?"

"Not now." Not yet at least. Maybe someday but right now, it – Feels a little better now that it feels like he actually faced consequences for everything that happened.

For everything he did to his brothers and...

For Tech.

Crosshair glances sideways at Hunter, wishing for a desperate moment that he could tell someone about what happened. Wishing he didn't have to be the only one who ever knows what really happened to Tech.

But he's gone now either way – he already was – and nothing they can do would change that. Hunter is the last person who needs to know when he's the one who killed him.

Crosshair knows what it's like to know he hurt his brothers and can never change it. For something as permanent as what Hunter did, that's not something he'd ever be able to let go of even if that wasn't truly Tech.

It's best if Crosshair is the only one who ever knows.

At least they finally have the chance to stay together, somewhere safe away from the Empire... but also without Tech. Maybe they'll be able to live here and "figure out what they want to be" as Hunter said, but... that doesn't mean the emptiness inside of any of them is ever going to be truly gone.

But somehow, they'll have to find a way to live with it.

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