Jennie

The mid-December night was alive with holiday cheer. Lisa had wanted to take a cab to the hotel, but I'd insisted we walk. I loved to see the bell-ringing Santa Clauses, steam billowing from manholes—and hot chocolate cups—and the lit Christmas trees and menorahs in people's windows. Or maybe I just needed time to come to terms with where we were going. Having Lisa in my apartment had felt like a dream, but going to a hotel with her evoked the same uneasiness I'd gotten when she'd offered to help me with my rent, as if I was her mistress.

Lisa kept her eyes forward. With our elbows linked, the tension in her body was evident. New York wasn't like Orange County. We passed loud-mouthed street performers, tripped on uneven pavement, and avoided brushing against beady-eyed men. There was something to see everywhere we looked, and though I found it exciting, I wasn't sure Lisa did. To her, more things could go wrong here.

Whatever Doyeon had said to her, she'd been brooding ever since. She'd fussed with my scarf and coat outside the apartment before insisting she walk closest to the curb. Admittedly, it hadn't been the best time for Doyeon and Roger to burst in. I thought back to Lisa's confession about her dad and squeezed closer to her.

"Cold?" she asked.

"A little."

"We're almost there."

Had I known Lisa was trying to reconcile her own desires for me against her father's for Maddy, would I have done anything differently? I couldn't be sure, because I didn't see things the way she did. What Lisa's father had done to a nine-year-old girl had nothing to do with love or attraction. Lisa and I had never so much as kissed. Just because she'd felt something for me when I was under eighteen didn't mean she was a sexual predator or some kind of innate monster. I saw it clear as day, but Lisa had always struggled to see herself as I did.

When I glanced up, I caught Lisa half-turned, doing a double take at a church with massive wooden doors decorated with wreathes and bows. "What is it?" I asked. She looked forward again, silent. She'd never struck me as the religious type, so I couldn't fathom what had crossed her mind. "What are you thinking about?"

She took a few moments to respond. "Marriage."

With one night left, that was the last thing I wanted to talk about. Her marriage had nothing to do with me. Everybody involved had known going in what Lisa and I had, but they'd chosen to pursue the relationship anyway. Lisa had made her own decisions, and so had Nayeon.

We were quiet so long, we passed another church. This one had tiny white lights strung along its staircase railings and an enormous stained glass Jesus that looked upon us.

Lisa's cell rang, and she took it out of her pocket before silencing it. She hadn't looked at me in blocks. "Who was that?" I asked.

We turned a corner and sidestepped a man shoveling the sidewalk outside a bodega.

Lisa stopped. "I need a cigarette before we get to the hotel," she said. "And then I think we should talk about the logistics of what comes next. I know it's unpleasant, but it is what it is."

The clerk placed his shovel against a wall and followed Lisa inside. I turned my back on them, on the harsh light streaming from the store onto the sidewalk. I didn't see what there was to talk about. I'd thought the plan was for her to come back as soon as possible. I didn't need to hear the horrible details of how it would happen. We were about to do an awful thing, and if we could stop ourselves, we would, so what was the point in beating the topic to death?

A woman passed me, the toddler attached to her hand pulling the opposite direction, trying to get to the fresh pile of snow the shop clerk had created. The boy managed to wiggle free and jump into the heap with both boots. She picked him up, playfully rolling her eyes at me as she hauled him off. I smiled at them. I hadn't seen snow fall until I'd moved to New York, but in the four and a half years I'd been here, I'd never just played in the snow like that. I'd been forced to grow up fast, to fend for myself. Since Lisa had arrived, I'd finally started to feel light again. I wasn't ready to let go of that. Of her.

I felt Lisa's eyes on me, a sixth sense I'd developed from being unable to communicate with her any other way when I was younger. I looked back at her leaning between the shovel and a display of poinsettias and miniature Christmas trees. She stuffed a pack of Marlboros in her pocket, watching me as she cupped a hand around her mouth and lit a cigarette. "If this was easy," she said, "we would've done it long ago."

"If what was easy?"

"You and me."

"Can't we talk about it tomorrow before you leave?" I asked, sighing. I wanted to go back to that day at the ice skating rink when we'd done nothing but wander, kiss and touch, eat and make love. "Watch this." I turned to face her completely. With a sly smile, I walked backward a few steps and planed my arms. "Ready?"

"What for?"

I leaned back on my heels until my balance wavered, then fell into the snow with a crunch. Winging my arms and legs like jumping jacks, I grinned. "Look," I said. "I'm making a snow angel."

"I see."

I froze right through my cheap coat, the ends of my hair wetted, but I got up on my elbows and smiled at her. "Come make one with me."

"I like watching you do it," she said, pinching the butt of the cigarette, amusement in her eyes.

"If you won't make one, I'll have to think of another way to get you over here." I balled up some snow, packing it tightly while she raised her eyebrows at me—a warning I intended to ignore. When she didn't make a move, I threw the snowball at her, narrowly missing her shoulder.

She didn't even flinch. "Have to work on your aim," she said, winking.

"Fine. You win." I stood, bending at the waist, brushing snow off my pants. I pretended to fix my socks while stealthily forming more ammunition. Peeking to make sure she wasn't looking, I straightened up, much better poised to hit her. I launched the snowball and it smacked against her chest so hard, her cigarette fell from her mouth onto the sidewalk.

I stifled a laugh at the way her nostrils flared. We stared at each other a few tense seconds before we both broke into a run. Halfway down the block, she caught me by the waist and lifted me into the air. Even as I gave in to a fit of laughter, I struggled against her, making it as hard as I could for her to carry me.

Right before the entrance to the W, she tossed me into another pile of snow and fell down beside me. "Just to be clear, this doesn't mean you win," she said, spreading out on her back like she had that night at the pool in Big Bear. I scooted over to make space for her impressive wingspan. Lisa made what had to be the largest snow angel in history, then held her hand palm up for me. I took it, letting her pull me over to her.

I rolled onto my stomach, resting my chin on her broad chest. Before Serious Lisa could ruin the moment, I asked, "What's your favorite color?"

"That's easy. Blue."

"I should've guessed," I said.

"Not the shade I'm thinking of. It's more of a baby blue, or turquoise water—"

"The ocean. Why?" I asked. "Is that your favorite place in the world?"

"Nah."

"Where would you be if you could be anywhere?"

"Where would you be?"

My instinct was to say the beach—it was my home, or it had been once. Was I even that girl anymore, though? Wasn't it normal for tastes to change over the years? "Here, I guess."

"Don't sound so sure," she teased, reaching up to brush sleet from my hair. "It's okay if it isn't New York, Jennie."

"Why wouldn't it be? My friends are here. I'm building a career. I even have a hairdresser I like." I pursed my lips. "I've made a life here."

"But it's not like you left Southern California because you didn't like it there. If New York felt like the only option . . ."

I wanted to argue just to prove her wrong, but the truth was, I sometimes felt out of place in the city. I'd grown up playing barefoot in sand and salt water, with the sun turning my gold hair white. Not that I didn't love it here, but I sometimes wondered if the city would ever feel like my true home. "What about the mountains?" I asked. "I've never seen you as happy as you were in Big Bear. Is that where you want to be, somewhere with nature?"

"I want to be where you are," she said. "New York can be your dream home, but mine is you."

I shivered beneath a coat of goosebumps. Lisa rubbed her hands over my back, but it was her words, not the cold, that got under my skin. I sat up, throwing a leg over her lap to straddle her. "I want to live on a mountain," I said from above her, "just like this. With my great bear."

She grabbed me by the waist with a throaty growl. "So, Goldilocks thinks she can tame a wild animal?" she asked, shifting me on her lap so I could feel how untamed she was. "She should be careful what she wishes for."

"She wishes to try, even if it takes a lifetime."

"Close your eyes," she said. "Picture a time you were happiest."

Maybe it was all the bear talk, but my mind went back in time, right to Young Cubs Camp, sneaking peeks at Lisa across the cafeteria, or during counselor hour after the campers had gone to bed, or before breakfast, when we were supposed to have our eyes closed for Reflection. I'd forgotten that the morning Lisa had been arrested, she and I had shared a moment right before the cops had shown up. After the night in the truck, our eyes had met during Reflection, electricity buzzing between us as if it were the beginning of something.

"What is it?" she asked. "What's making you smile?"

"Camp," I said. "I loved being around you all week. And riding the horse. That was fun."

"It was." She ran her hands up my thighs. "Is that your happy place? What about memories that don't involve me?"

I traveled back again, this time to playing board games at night during Christmas break, Nayeon screaming when she won, screaming when she lost, and my dad struggling not to lose his temper and ruin Christmas. One morning when I was seven and Nayeon was ten, we'd woken up and found a Labrador puppy under the tree. We'd named her after Daphne from Scooby-Doo, but she'd gotten sick within six months. Seeing how much Nayeon had loved that dog, Dad had shelled out thousands of dollars in vet bills, but it hadn't saved her. Nayeon had been devastated. I opened my eyes and started to get up. "I don't want to play this game anymore."

Lisa sat up, watching as I brushed snow off my pants. "It's not a game, Jennie."

"I don't know why you're doing this. What's the point of forcing me to look at what I'm giving up? Are you hoping I'll change my mind and tell you not to leave her?"

"No. I just want you to understand what lies ahead. Once I talk to Nayeon, there's no turning back." She held out her hand to me. "Come here."

"No."

"Then help me up."

I took her hand, but after a short-lived battle of strength, I found myself in the snow again, stubbornly holding in a laugh as she feathered her fingers up my waist. "What's your middle name?" she asked. "You never told me that day on the wall, and I've wanted to know ever since."

"You could've asked any member of my family over the years," I pointed out.

"I wanted you to tell me."

"Ruby Jane," I said, "and I hate it."

"Ruby Jane." She kissed my cheek. "Jennie Ruby Jane Kim."

"Lisa Pranpriya Manoban."

She looked surprised. "How do you know that?"

"I saw it on some of the paperwork for your arrest."

"Come on, Jennie Ruby Jane Kim. My goldilocks, my little bird." She stood, holding out a hand to pull me up. "Your locks of gold are all wet and your wings, too."