54
- enough -
The second I see Allie in the Cullens' living room, I grip Edward's hand tighter.
My last interaction with his sister replays in my head, even if it's dimmed and dulled by time.
We don't feel like we know you anymore.
Just let him go.
He deserves better.
I know what she said was true on some level, which is probably why it hurt me so much. It's why her words were a major catalyst in my pushing Edward and me to split a second time.
I did need to let Edward go to work on myself. He did deserve better from me at that time. We both did.
Even if what she said was true at one point, it's not now.
I tell myself a few truths to feel more secure.
I'm not that woman anymore.
I'm fighting for a better version of myself.
I'm fighting for my marriage.
I do deserve Edward.
Even if the Cullens felt I was becoming a stranger, Esme and Carlisle have been nothing but genuinely kind and accepting of me. I'm so very grateful for that. So I lean into that feeling and give Allie the benefit of the doubt that tonight we can put our issues aside and have a nice Christmas Eve with our family.
The moment feels loaded.
All eyes on Allie and me.
I'm sure Esme and Carlisle's rapt attention is more out of excitement, expecting Allie to be surprised to see me here. I know Edward's is out of concern and feeling protective of me. And Jasper… I have no idea. I've never met him, but I can only imagine what Allie has told him.
Earlier, Esme and Carlisle both welcomed me with immediate hugs when we first saw each other again, but Allie does not. And that's fine.
Edward lets go of my hand and wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him, almost like he's giving me the hug his sister didn't.
"Merry Christmas," I say to Allie and Jasper, encouraged by Edward's protective touch. My eyes shift to Jasper. "I'm Bella. It's so nice to meet you."
I reach out a hand to greet Jasper, and he takes it, smiling politely as we shake.
So far, he seems kind. He doesn't radiate the same egocentric energy like Allie's ex-husband, Ben, did. The vibe of the room already feels more comfortable than it has in the past, and it just proves one person's energy can affect everyone.
"It's good to finally meet you, too," Jasper says. "Allie told me you two are having a girl. Congratulations."
I smile, meaning it. "Yeah, we are. Thank you. Congrats on your engagement. Seriously," I say, glancing at Allie. "I'm really happy for you."
A minor flash of surprise passes over her face.
"Thank you," she says, then gives me a once over. "Wow, you look amazing. Pregnancy agrees with you."
"It really does," Edward chimes in, pressing a tender kiss on my shoulder.
I soak up the attention from him. He was always affectionate with me around his family, never shying away from a kiss or a hug. Always pulling me into his lap when there were perfectly acceptable chairs to sit in.
And I love that even now, despite everything, this little bit of who we were before still exists.
"Shall we get some drinks and make a toast to celebrate tonight?" Carlisle asks.
Almost everyone verbally or nonverbally agrees.
Except Allie.
She locks eyes with me.
"I was hoping we could talk. Alone," she says as Carlisle and Esme disappear into the kitchen to get refreshments.
"Sure," I agree.
She turns to walk out of the room and I start to follow her, but Edward's grip on my waist tightens, keeping me in place.
"You want me there when you talk?" Edward asks, not bothering to keep his voice low so Allie hears he's checking in with me.
"As your sister, that's insulting," Allie says, frowning.
"Don't get me started on what's insulting," Edward replies firmly, giving her a look.
Jasper's and my eyes flit between the two of them before Allie stalks off. I don't want it to be like this. And I certainly don't want Esme and Carlisle knowing there might be tension between us.
I smooth my hands up Edward's suit jacket and press a small kiss on his lips.
"It's okay," I promise. "Thank you, though."
He nods, swiping his thumb under his mouth to remove any lipstick there.
I follow after Allie and find her in the formal dining. We don't have complete privacy, but with Christmas music playing throughout the house and murmured conversation from Carlisle and Esme in the kitchen, I think it will be fine.
I wait for Allie to speak first since she's the one who prompted this. She stays silent long enough for it to be uncomfortable, but I stand my ground, not wanting to start the conversation because I'm not sure how this is going to go and I don't want to offer up more than I need to.
"Look. I know this is awkward," she finally says.
"Yeah," I agree. "It is."
Acknowledging it doesn't lessen the tension.
"I just want to put our little tiff behind us," she urges. "I don't think we need to dwell on it or even talk about it again. You and Edward are moving past everything, so we should, too."
While she overstepped by talking to Esme, I don't expect an apology for what she said to me when we were in LA. It was how she felt; she wanted a reprieve for her brother. She couldn't have known what she said would spark the opposite effect in me—flight, not fight—because I haven't been honest with her about my family and how certain things affected me.
That being said, I'm not sure I want to share the vulnerable parts of me with her. It won't ever be the same again. It can't be, and I wonder if that's because I have Rosalie in my life now. It's so easy to see how genuine of a friend she is to me. And I have to wonder if Allie ever considered me a friend, or if it was just convenience because I'm married to her brother.
I decide right here and now, I don't care. I can move past it because I don't need Allie to be my friend. We can be friendly, but that's it. She can be family, an aunt to my baby, and that will be enough. I don't need more from her.
"I agree, we can move past it," I say, appreciating the weight it lifts from me.
"I really am happy for you and Edward," she adds, smiling genuinely. "I'm going to be the best auntie and spoil that baby girl so much."
I smile a little because I know it's true—the Cullens are the best at loving their people.
We end our short conversation with a hug just before we hear Esme and Carlisle in the living room again.
As Allie and I walk back in, she links her arm with mine, which I get the feeling is more for Edward's benefit so he can see we're all good.
I cross the room closer to Edward and naturally break contact with Allie. Edward purposefully searches my face for any indication I'm upset, and I just discreetly shake my head, giving him a nonverbal okay.
Carlisle hands out glasses of champagne, but mine is darker in hue and filled with sparkling cider.
It's Esme who makes the toast.
"You'll never know how full my heart is tonight having all of you here." Her voice is soft and sentimental as she shifts her eye contact around the room. "Your father and I are so proud and excited for all of the life changes coming up. A wedding and a baby," she murmurs before locking eyes with Edward and then me, her gaze tender. "We cannot wait to be grandparents. It's truly the best gift you could have given us."
Edward snakes his arm around my waist and presses a soft kiss to my temple.
"See?" he whispers in my ear, and I smile.
"We love you, kiddos," Carlisle adds simply, raising his glass. "Cheers."
XXX
"So, when are you two moving back?" Allie asks halfway through dinner.
Edward and I share a glance, our earlier conversation about the house coming to mind.
"Why do you think we're moving back?" he asks his sister, drinking his whiskey.
"I guess I just assumed you would want to be closer to all of us after you have the baby," she says, shrugging.
"Did you forget I work in LA?" Edward reminds her.
He still hasn't softened to her yet. Since I don't want any lingering animosity between any of us, I've gone the opposite route and have overcompensated for his iciness by appearing more friendly than I normally would given everything.
"No, I didn't forget that you work in LA," Allie laughs, but it's a little forced. "Bad assumption on my part thinking you'd move back. You'll at least be here for the wedding, right?"
Edward chews his food, then asks, "When is it?"
"June 1st," she says, smiling over at Jasper.
It's close to my due date, but I keep my mouth shut, not wanting to make this all about Edward and me because the idea that two events can't happen at the same time is false thinking. She can get married again and I can have a baby, and neither detracts from the other's happiness. Neither event means more or less than the other.
"We booked this lodge outside of the city," Allie tells us.
"Oh, we'll have to show you everything after dinner," Esme says to me from the end of the table.
"Yeah, I'd love to see what you've planned so far," I offer up, glancing at Allie.
"It's really beautiful," Esme adds. "Rustic, lots of trees."
"And don't be fooled like I was—rustic does not mean cheap," Jasper says, amused.
"Oh, yeah. The wedding industry gets away with murder for the upcharge," I agree. "I bet if you just said it was a party, everything would cost less."
"Still time to elope," Carlisle offers, chuckling.
"Not happening," Allie says, shaking her head. "So?" Allie's eyes are on Edward.
"June 1st?" he echoes her wedding date. "That's cutting it a bit close."
"To what?" she asks.
"Bella's due date," he says.
"Mom said she's due May 23rd. And aren't due dates just estimations anyway?"
"Exactly," Edward agrees. "The baby could be born before or after that. And at some point, she won't be able to fly, so…"
"You were born three weeks early," Carlisle tells Allie. "And Edward was born two weeks late."
"I guess it rings true to our personalities now. Allie still has FOMO. And I just kind of can't be bothered," Edward jokes, which earns him a few laughs from around the table from everyone except his sister.
"Wait, so… you're really not coming?" she asks.
"I don't see how I can," is all he says, unaffected.
"You're a groomsman," she replies flatly.
He stays neutral. "This is the first I've heard that I'm in the wedding party."
"It's assumed," she tells him. "You're family."
Edward doesn't budge. "Well with my work schedule and now the baby, you can't just assume those kinds of things, Allie."
I turn to Edward. "Maybe you could go to the wedding on your own," I offer up, wanting to diffuse this brewing situation. "I don't have to go."
"That's not an option," he immediately says. "I'm not leaving you before or after you have the baby."
I can't lie, but his fierceness warms me.
"It'd only be a weekend," I reassure him because even if I don't want him to leave me, I feel confident I'd be okay. "And I'd have Rosalie."
"Rosalie? Edward's co-anchor?" Allie asks me, confused.
"Yeah, they're close. Rosalie's been a good friend to Bella, even before we decided to reconcile," Edward explains, making it clear that my friendship with Rosalie is genuine and not mere convenience.
Edward and I share a soft, secret smile.
Mine conveys that I love him.
His screams that he has my back.
"Oh, Rosalie is just the cutest," Esme says to me. "She seems lovely on television. And Carlisle fangirls over her husband."
"As he should," I agree, smiling when Carlisle rolls his eyes at Esme. "Emmett's a great guy."
"I hope we can meet them when we visit," Esme adds, and I can feel Allie's eyes on me but I don't look over at her.
"Well, I know they'd be willing to help out if I needed. If Edward had to be here for the wedding," I say again, really driving home the point that I'd be okay because if Edward doesn't attend, I don't want it to be because of me. I can't have Allie hang that over my head for years to come.
"I understand what you're trying to do, Bell, but that's not happening," Edward says to me, then looks at Allie and offers an unapologetic, "Sorry."
Her face falls. "Seriously?"
"Honey, of course, your brother isn't going to leave Bella's side. She's going to need him," Esme says. "The last days of pregnancy and the early days of motherhood are both a trying time. Would you expect Jasper to pick his sister over you?"
"Jasper doesn't have a sister. And it's not like that," she insists. "Bella just said it was okay. Right?" she asks, looking at me.
"But I'm saying it's not," Edward answers instead. "So much could change between now and then. It's safer for me to not attend your second wedding."
Allie's eyes narrow. I know he said it to highlight it's not as big of a deal since it's not her first, but I just feel bad for Jasper afterward. When I look over at him, he doesn't seem phased by Edward's remark, though.
"Maybe if you picked another date, it wouldn't be an issue," Carlisle chimes in. "Does the wedding have to be June 1st?"
"We already paid a deposit. And when I booked it, I didn't know I had to take all of this into consideration," she explains, holding Edward's gaze. Holding back from saying what she wants to say.
She didn't think her brother and I would work things out, so picking this date was a non-issue for her.
If that's her reasoning, it doesn't add up because even if Edward and I weren't trying to make our marriage work, that doesn't mean he wouldn't be there for the birth of his baby.
"I don't know what you want me to do," Edward says simply. "We can't change Bella's due date, and that's where I'm needed the most. That's where I want to be."
"And I want you to be there for her, too. If you two moved back, this wouldn't be a problem," Allie suggests, not letting it go.
"It's not as simple as that. There are things to consider. And we aren't going to rush our timeline for your wedding," Edward says firmer, and I can tell he's getting agitated.
Heat crawls up my chest, to my neck.
Allie takes a long sip of wine.
I grab a roll and break it in half, chewing for something to do. I'm about to stand and excuse myself to use the bathroom when Esme speaks, taking over and saving the conversation.
"Well, I'm not going to push you two to move back, even though you know I'd love it," she says. "Your father and I are looking into downsizing next year, so who knows—maybe we'll find ourselves out near you. We could use a change in our old age, and we'd love to be closer to our first grandbaby."
"You'd move to LA?" Allie asks, scoffing.
"Maybe not to Los Angeles, but we're not opposed to surrounding cities," Carlisle says.
"Winters have been less mild here and your father is a baby when it comes to being cold," Esme teases.
"She's not wrong," he agrees, and everyone but Allie laughs.
"Speaking of babies, have you two thought about names?" Esme asks Edward and me.
"Honestly, no," I say. "I didn't want to fall in love with any names before we found out the gender."
"We have time," Edward says.
"Oh, do we?" I joke. "Yesterday, we went to Kidsland and Edward was a maniac trying to buy everything in one shopping trip," I recall, and Esme and Carlisle chuckle, likely remembering those early days of parenthood when everything felt vital.
Edward grins at me. "Yeah, yeah. I had a moment of panic, but I've relaxed since then."
"Oh, you have? In just one day?" I tease.
He exhales a soft laugh. "I think seeing the baby for the first time and finding out what we're having just made it that much more real," he admits.
"It really did," I agree, smiling softly at him.
"If you were a girl, you were going to be named Eleanor," Esme says to Edward. "Ellie. I really loved that name."
"What made you not want to use the name when you did have a girl?" I wonder.
Esme stares fondly at her kids. "I don't know. The name felt tied to Edward before I knew he was a boy. And then when I met my daughter two years later, Alice just felt more fitting for her."
"Thank god I'm not named Eleanor," Allie snarks.
"Close enough? We call you Allie for short," Edward points out, fighting a smirk. "Allie. Ellie. What's the difference?"
For the first time tonight, his remark is teasing in tone, like the typical pushing of her buttons, and not laced with an undercurrent of animosity like his other replies have been so far. Allie must pick up on it, too, because she flips him off but she grins when she does it.
Their light exchange lessens my worry that tonight will end badly.
"I've always loved the idea of one of you using my mother's name, Evelyn, for a girl," Esme offers up. "It's such a classic name and would be such an honor."
My heart softens as I say, "It's a really pretty name."
Esme brightens. "Isn't it?"
I try it out: "Evelyn Cullen."
Edward considers it and then says, "Evie."
Hearing the sweet, feminine name roll off his tongue makes me smile.
"I kind of love it," I admit. "Evie Cullen."
Edward smiles tenderly. "Yeah?"
"I'd love to use a family name," I admit.
"You mean you don't want to name your daughter Carli, after me?" Carlisle offers, smirking.
Esme hums in consideration as if he's serious. "It's cute, but I find it a little strange when babies are named after people who are still alive. And you have at least a few more years in you," Esme teases. "I really, really love Evie, though."
"Me too," I agree. "It'd be so special."
"Don't get too attached. That's my name," Allie says coolly.
"What?" Edward laughs and takes the last swig of whiskey.
"My baby name. The one I want to use for my daughter," she insists.
Tension passes around the table because nobody knows what to say.
"What daughter? You're not pregnant," Edward reminds her. "And even if you do eventually have kids, that doesn't mean you'll have a girl."
She narrows her eyes. "I know. But I called dibs. I even told Bella about it years ago, so that's so not fair."
"I honestly don't remember," I say apologetically. I don't think she ever told me that, but if she did, it didn't stick.
"Sweetheart, you never even seriously mentioned wanting kids until a month ago," Esme points out. "Focus on the wedding first. You and Jasper need a few years alone before you bring babies into the mix. Build your marriage. Enjoy the companionship of each other before your time and energy are used elsewhere."
"I'm thirty-three. I don't have years," she says seriously.
"Don't I get a say over my nonexistent daughter's name?" Jasper asks, and even though he says it kind of teasing, I sense some tension between them.
"We're just playing around with names," I promise her, to keep the peace. "Like Edward said, we still have time and might fall in love with a different name."
"No," Edward interrupts me, resting his arm along the back of my chair. "If we want to use the name, we can. Mom wouldn't have offered it up to us if she knew it was important to you. Which means she didn't know. Which means you're just trying to start shit."
"Right, okay. So you get to make the rules, then. You get to pull out of being in my wedding. You get to steal the name I want to use for my daughter. You get to waltz in here and pretend like everything is normal with your estranged wife," she lists off hotly. "It's fucking weird. All of this. She left you, and now she's back? You can't just—"
"Alice," Esme reprimands, using her full name, shocked by her daughter.
"What?" she fires back. "I can't be the only one who thinks this. This isn't normal."
I could let her judgment affect me. I could shrink away at the use of the word normal. The one that used to make me spiral because for so long I felt anything but.
Instead, I just sit here, allowing the awkward moment to occur because I knew none of this would be easy.
"Trust me, I know this is strange and that I owe you all an apology," I start to say, but Edward comes to my defense.
"No, you don't," he says, throwing a glare his sister's way.
"But I do. And—" I pause when Esme holds a hand up, gently shaking her head at me before looking at her daughter.
"Allie, there are certain things that don't concern you, and their marriage is one of them," Esme tells her firmly. "Bella is family. Edward is your brother. If they want to honor your grandmother by using her namesake, you should be thrilled. I know Grandma Evelyn would be."
I appreciate Esme for chiming in, but Allie's outburst feels so much deeper than merely using a family name and I'm not sure Esme understands that. I barely understand it.
"Bella never even met her!" Allie replies, and it's so, so petty.
"Oh, what the fuck does that matter?" Edward snaps. "Now you're just looking for shit to be mad about. I don't know what your problem is but—"
"My problem is that everything changed!" she cries out. "Everything. She ignored us for months, and now we're acting like it's all good. Should I have expected you all to welcome back Ben with open arms after everything? You're just gonna let her get away with whatever she wants?" she asks in shock, looking only at Edward now. "Let her leave you like that? Make you look stupid? Make you sleep with other women to satisfy some sick—"
"We're fucking done here," Edward angrily grits out and starts to stand.
I stay in my seat though, silently fuming with embarrassment and rage.
"Say what you want about me, but leave your brother out of this," I demand. "He's done nothing but fight for me and our marriage the entire time. He fought for us when I couldn't. I won't let you sit here and reduce us to something you have no idea about. And never will because you don't deserve to know, and I'm not sure I trust you anymore," I admit, and even though my hands are shaking, my voice is steady. "I'm sorry for how my actions affected you. I'm sorry if it felt like I abandoned our friendship. That wasn't my intention. None of this was. I handled my situation with your brother poorly, but at the time, it was the only way I knew how. I'm trying to be better. I'm just… trying now. We're trying to move past it. And if there's a chance for Edward and me to make this work, we need you to back off and let us handle this the best way we can—privately."
Edward grabs my hand under the table and squeezes it, but I don't look over at him because I'm still holding Allie's gaze and I refuse to be the first to look away.
It didn't matter how agreeable I was tonight or how willing I was to move on from our last interaction. She was always going to hold all of this over my head.
So I'm doing what Rosalie suggested—I'm setting this boundary so Allie knows she can no longer disrespect her brother and me. Unfortunately, it's taking place in front of our family, after she humiliated us. But it has to happen.
She looks stunned by my words.
And then she looks pissed.
She opens her mouth but Carlisle steps in.
"Enough, Allie. Just… enough," he says sternly.
She tosses cursory glances around the table and must find that everyone agrees. She doesn't have an ally in this fight.
Her gaze lands on me again and she tosses her napkin on the plate with force.
"Merry Christmas. So glad you're back," she says with venom, standing from the table and walking out.