If Only, If Only

This is nothing but crack, OK? This does not have any relation to any other story I'm writing, and it's main goal is to be funny.

This is basically the story of…what if Loki did something completely different when he faked his death in Thor: Dark World? Including a Loki crack ship that I am actually rather fond of: TaserTricks!

And yeah I deleted Surtur's words of doom. So what.

Please review and tell me what you think!

Thor was never one to hold back on his emotions. To most people he was like the original stoic warrior, serious, unfazed by death and destruction. The hero who held his head up high no matter what the misery and anguish that assaulted him.

But the people who knew him best knew that Thor was soft and vulnerable. And boy could that man (god? Asgardian? Aesir?) cry.

Right now he had his head on a table in Avengers Tower, one hand holding a pint of mead, bawling his eyes out.

"And-and then, to make it even worse, Father banished me from Asgard, again!"

He looked fondly at Mjolnir. "At least he did not strip me of my beloved Mjolnir again."

He sniffed and took a swig of mead. "This is excellent mead, Man of Iron, almost as delightful as what we have in the halls of Asgard."

"So let me get this straight," Tony Stark said, as Thor chugged the mead down. "You thought Odin…was Loki."

Thor nodded, hair and beard flying. "Aye, this is so."

"Even though Loki is kinda dead?" Thor shook his head. "You do not know Loki as I do, Man of Iron. He has done this kind of thing before, and he is, after all, a Trickster."

"Yeah, I think we established that."

Thor leaned back in the office swivel chair. "You did not see what Father was acting like! I come back with Surtur's crown, a mighty pledge I assure you, and a deed that will be sung in the halls long after this globe is but a burning ember, as I said, I returned, covered with the grime of war and honor, only to see what?"

Thor waited. Apparently he expected Tony to answer.

Tony sighed. "What did you see, Thor?"

Thor opened his arms wide. "Handrails on the Bifrost! A massive statue of my erstwhile adopted brother gracing the entrance to Asgard! My Father, Odin the Wise, Odin the Berserker, reclining upon a couch, popping grapes into his mouth like a wanton, and watching an absurd play that portrayed Loki as a noble hero!"

Thor said, "You can understand my concern. So naturally I did the only thing that seemed reasonable."

"You trashed the place." Tony answered.

Thor nodded. "I interrupted that blasphemous play, and threw my trusty Mjolnir at Odin."

Thor looked beseechingly at Tony. "Do you know what happened?"

"He caught it?" Tony ventured.

Thor nodded wearily and slumped down. "He caught it."

Tony gestured to the rest of the room. "And here we are."

"And-and," Thor started to cry again, "and Jane just broke up with me and she doesn't love me anymore and nobody loves me anymore and I can never go home and-and…"

Tony patted Thor's shoulder. "Hey, hey, it's OK, everything's gonna be fine."

Thor had his cry, and Tony let him have it. Call it cathartic or whatever.

Eventually Thor sniffed and sat up. He looked into his empty mead glass.

"I liked that mead!" He raised an arm to throw. "ANOTHER!"

"THOR NO NOT AT THE COMPUTER INTERFACE!"

And that was how Thor found himself in the street. Tony had banished him from the Tower until further notice (read Earth is getting destroyed and the Avengers need his help).

Thor looked around the street. Beside a couple of girls who took his pictures and said they were sorry about Jane (with Thor insisting untruthfully that he had been the one who broke up) nothing happened.

Thor began to walk, slouching along in his "comfy mortal clothes".

He passed many restaurants and even more coffee shops, but one storefront in particular caught his eye.

Thor stopped and read the sign. "Mystic Mizzy's Boba Tea." Thor muttered.

The words had a strange appeal. Loki had liked tea and had tried, unsuccessfully, when they were small, to get Thor to drink it as well. And what was this "boba"? Some type of mystical charm perhaps, granting the drinker health or strength. Perhaps it could work other wonders as well.

So Thor walked in, and admired the decorations. Such splendor for such a humble dwelling! The twinkling lights could only be the result of advanced sorcery! Thor felt a small pang in his heart. Ah, such memories this place conjured up of his beloved, if wayward, younger brother.

Thor stood in line, and was both pleased and disappointed that no one payed the slightest attention to him. Everyone, instead, seemed to be occupied with a completely different person.

"Ohmygosh, I hope he's still here!" A teenage girl squealed in front of him. "I have to get him to sign my copy!"

"Don't worry!" Her friend answered. "He's not leaving 'till tomorrow!" She, too, squealed. "I can't wait to tell everyone that I actually talked to Lucas Himmelreisende!"

Now THAT name is a mouthful… Thought Thor.

Thor continued to listen to the rest of their conversation. It went into further detail about how he had, apparently, written a fantasy trilogy while working in the Boba tea shop. It had become popular overnight, and was now being turned into a blockbuster series of movies set to rival the Lord of the Rings. This was also this Lucas Himmelreisende's last day in the shop, before he headed out to California to both write the script and cast the lead roles.

By the time the girls were done speaking, Thor was very much interested to see this author fellow. He sounded quite accomplished.

Thor was looking in his pockets to see if he had any mortal currency when his turn came. He approached the counter, still fumbling in his pockets, and looked up.

Into the face of his long dead younger brother, Loki.

At first Thor just stood there. His mind had stopped working.

Loki just looked him over mildly. "Thor, breathe. You're holding up the line."

This brought Thor back to reality, as it was just the sort of thing Loki would say.

"Loki!" He exclaimed.

"Yes?" Loki answered, infuriatingly calm as always.

"Why-Why are you alive?"

"Why?" Loki rolled his eyes. "You see, Thor, when a man and a woman love each other very much…"

"I saw you die!" Thor yelled. By now heads were turning.

"You've seen me die at least one other time before. I'm surprised you still fell for it."

Loki looked at the menu. "Are you going to order something?"

Thor just stared at him. He could not fathom why Loki was here, of all places, doing menial labor, of all things, and…and…

"Hey, bae." A familiar voice called from the back. "What's holding the line up?"

Darcy Lewis pushed a beaded curtain aside and walked out. She grinned as soon as she saw Thor. "Hey, it's you again!"

Thor stared at the woman who had once tased him as she grinned again. "It's been a hot minute since I saw you!"

Thor watched in horror as she tried to drape an arm across Loki's shoulders. "I would not advise that, Darcy Lewis. My brother reacts violently when touched without his express permission."

"Ha!" Darcy laughed. "Yeah, that's not a problem."

Then she looked at Loki. And back at Thor. "You didn't tell him?"

"Why should I tell him?" Loki asked. "I was pretending to be dead!"

"Right. OK. Still no excuse." She looked back at Thor. "Yeah, we're together."

Thor stared openmouthed at his brother.

Loki raised an eyebrow. "No need to look so shocked, dear brother."

"I need…to sit down." Thor whispered.

"Good idea, you're lookin' a little pasty there, big guy." Darcy smiled again. "And I'll buy you a drink! But not hard. Since this is a Boba shop." She considered the menu. "The Strawberry Mango Banana Surprise has your name all over it, Thunder Dude."

The nine realms were mysterious places, thought Thor, as he sat and waited for his mind to process all that had happened.

Loki was alive and was in a relationship. With a woman. A woman that Thor knew. And apparently he was a successful skald? And Odin was just going senile or something?

It could have been worse.

Yeah, the fandom knows why Jane broke it off with Thor. It starts with an L.

Actually I don't ship Lokane at all. I mean really. Nobody seems to handle it right, which is to write it in the funniest way possible.

Himmelreisande is one of the titles of Loki in Norse Mythology. It means skytraveler.

Skald, is, of course, a Viking storyteller/bard.

And I have not watched Thor so sorry if Darcy seems off.

There may be more if I feel like it (and if I get reviews…)