A Bitter Pill to Swallow- chapter 8
The family left the unit feeling about as low as they had since this whole situation started. Leaving Jonathan broke Angela's heart each and every time. She didn't know if this feeling would ever get better; the one thing she knew for sure is that her level of worrying about Jonathan would never go back to before this started. She didn't know how she'd ever be able to let him leave her sight once he was released.
"How about we head back to the hotel and rest for a bit and then meet for dinner at five. We can order something for Jonathan and bring it to him when we visit again" said Tony.
"That sounds good Dad. Hank and I are going to drive back tonight. We both need to be at work in the morning but I think we will come back up early Saturday morning" said Samantha.
"Good. We are going to leave after the first visit tomorrow so Tony can go to his appointment. We will stay home and come back Wednesday. Mother, we can drive you tomorrow or maybe they can take you home tonight" said Angela.
"I'll head back home tonight and make sure the agency is running okay. I'll come back this weekend and stay a few days next week" said Mona.
"Okay it's settled. Let's head back" said Angela as they all drove to the hotel. Tony and Angela were able to sleep a little until dinner time. Angela was able to call and speak to one of Jonathan's professors, who also happened to be his academic advisor to let him know what was going on. The school was very accommodating and said no decisions needed to be made about him returning just yet.
As planned, the family had dinner together at the restaurant in the hotel. They talked superficially about new things in their lives but the awkward silence always returned, Jonathan's absence lingering in the air.
"So what should we get him? I know he would probably like a chocolate shake. Maybe a sandwich or a burger? I'm going to have to make him some food to bring back here. The kid needs to put on weight!" said Tony.
"I think a cheeseburger and fries plus a shake would be good. I hope he eats it…" said Angela. The family ordered Jonathan's meal and headed back to the hospital. They were let onto the unit after a long wait. Apparently one of the other patients needed assistance so no one was allowed on the unit. Finally, they were let in and brought to the large meeting room. Jonathan came in a few minutes later.
"Hey buddy! We got you your favorite! A cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate shake!" said Tony as he handed him the food.
"Thanks guys" he said as he opened the bag of food. He ate a few fries and took a bite of his burger before closing the bag. He didn't touch the chocolate shake.
"Isn't it good sweetheart? We can get you something else if you want" said Angela.
"No Mom it's fine. I'm just not very hungry. Thanks though…" he said. They all noticed the slower speech- it was no longer as fast or pressured as it had been. They only remaining signs of his manic state appeared to be his restlessness. His body still seemed to be on edge, like he had way too much caffeine.
"Hank, Mona and I are going to go home tonight but we will be back on the weekend. Can we get you anything from home?" asked Samantha.
"No I'm good thanks" he said.
"Tony and I are going to come visit again tomorrow morning and then head home. Tony has a quick doctor's appointment and then the following morning we will drive back up until at least the weekend. We can pack more of your stuff from home or your dorm if you want" said Angela.
"You're both leaving me?" he said as his eyes got wide, fear taking over his voice.
"Just for the afternoon and night. We will be back first thing, we promise" said Tony.
"I… I… I can't stay here! Please take me home! I just want to go home! I promise I'll take my medication! I won't be a bother! I won't be a disappointment! I won't hurt you again I promise!" shouted Jonathan. If their hearts weren't already broken, Jonathan's words did the trick.
"Jonathan you are absolutely not a disappointment! You are so smart and strong and you are going to get through this! You just have to be here a bit longer to make sure the medication is working! I can already see a difference in you and it's only been a few days!" said Tony.
"We aren't leaving you! We could never, ever leave you! We will be back up early Wednesday we promise!" said Angela.
"Promise? Promise! Just like Dad promised he'd always be there for me! He'd always love me!" shouted Jonathan.
"Jonathan, your Mom and Tony are nothing like your Dad. They've been here for you every step of the way and are going to do everything in their power to make sure you receive the best care possible" said Mona.
"You remember that Valentine's Day you set me and your Mom up on that blind date? You were worried I wouldn't be there for you just like your Dad so you figured if I married your Mom, you wouldn't lose me. Do you remember what I told you that night?" asked Tony.
"You said we were best buds and that you didn't need to be married to Mom to be there for me each and every time I needed you…" said Jonathan.
"That's right! And remember what I said to you when I asked you to be my best man at the wedding- I said there wasn't anyone else I'd rather have by my side than my son. You are my family Jonathan and family's stick together! Always!" said Tony. By now, Jonathan was crying.
"Oh sweetheart! It's going to be okay. We can come back up here after Tony's doctors appointment. It will be too late for a second visit but we will at least be here if you need us" said Angela as she came over and pulled him into a hug.
"And we will all call you every day to check in! You'll get sick of us I promise you!" said Samantha.
"Chances are you'll get sick of calling me first…" he said as he wiped away tears.
"No way dweeb! Well not anymore than I normally am of you!" she said with a forced laugh.
"I'm going to start looking for aftercare treatment for you Jonathan. See what therapists and psychiatrists are available and can take our insurance. I also spoke to your academic advisor. They are very understanding and said you can take as long as you need to get better" said Angela.
"Oh my god! My school knows? Why Mom? Couldn't you say someone died or something? Now they are all going to think of me as the nutcase! How could you?" he shouted.
"Hey Jonathan! She had to man! After what happened at school, they needed to know you were alright!" said Hank.
"This is just great! My life is over! I can't go back there now! I probably couldn't go back anyway but now it's just set in stone! Do me a favor, please don't tell anyone else at home! Not that there's anyone at home who even cares but I'd still like to go to the mall or something every once in a while without people staring at me…" said Jonathan.
"No one needs to know okay? And if anyone gives you any issues, they will have to deal with me!" said Mona.
"They will have to deal with all of us, that's for sure!" said Tony. Jonathan seemed to calm down a bit after that conversation. They were able to have a good rest of the visit before saying goodbye for the night. Tony and Angela said their goodbyes for now to the family as they left to head home. They headed back to the hotel, both exhausted and drained.
"Tony you need to take your medication and then head to bed. I'll help you get undressed and ready for bed" said Angela.
"Thanks Angela. You know I probably don't need to go tomorrow to the doctor. I can wait… it doesn't feel quite as bad as it had" said Tony.
"Tony… lift your arm up over your head. You can do that, I'll cancel your appointment. You can't, we are going" she said. Of course he couldn't do it, so he just sat on the bed and didn't comment.
"That's what I thought. You're going. I just hope you don't need surgery. That will put me over the edge right now if you aren't okay…" she said as she sat down next to him.
"Eh oh, oh eh! I'm fine! I'll be fine! I just need to rest this shoulder. And if for whatever reason I need another surgery, I'm not do anything until he's stabilized. I'll need to go back to work at some point too. If it's surgery, I'll see about doing it during Christmas or winter break" said Tony.
"Let's just see what he says. I don't want you putting off surgery if it's needed. We will make it work… like we always do…" she said as she leaned into him. He pulled her into his side and kissed her forehead. She tried to hold back her tears but after a while, she couldn't and let them flow. No words were spoken between them as he just held her while she cried.
The next morning, Tony and Angela slept in, exhaustion finally setting in. They were able to pack up, check out and grab a quick breakfast before heading over to the hospital. They could only spend an hour with Jonathan before they had to get back on the road to make it in time for Tony's appointment.
"Hey Jonathan! We brought you a chocolate chip muffin! I have a feeling the food here is anything but tasty! I'll make sure we bring you up some snacks and a meal or two!" said Tony.
"Whatever you make is fine, thanks Tony" said Jonathan.
"We can see if there are some books or some other activities for you to do. Have you started meeting with the therapist or attending any groups?" asked Angela.
"What's the point Mom? It's all a bunch of bullshit. I'll start seeing someone when I get out of here…" he said.
"Well the social worker thought it would be good if you started now…" she started to say before Jonathan cut her off.
"I said I'll see someone… leave it alone Mom" he said with anger in his voice.
"Okay… how about we play some cards? I think there's still a deck around…" said Tony.
"No Tony don't bother I'm not in the mood to play. What doctor are you going to see?" he asked.
"Just our regular doctor. He wants to see me first before the orthopedic doctor and see what I need to do. They didn't think I'll need surgery- hopefully it will heal on its own…" said Tony.
"You could need surgery? I hurt you that bad?" he asked as tears formed in his eyes.
"No! It's my bad shoulder! I was bound to hurt it again! Even if I need surgery, it won't be like my first one. I will be good as new in no time!" said Tony.
"I'm so sorry Tony… you must hate me. I hate me…" he said.
"Absolutely not! I could never hate you or anything other than love you unconditionally! You are my son- in every way that truly matters!" he said.
"He's right Jonathan! You are our son- you always have been and always will be no matter what… we love you so much!" she said as she tried to hold back tears.
"Yeah some son… locked up in a psych ward, attacked the only man in my life willing to be a father to me… yeah there's so much to love…" he said.
"Yes there is so much to love. So much it hurts more than you can ever imagine seeing you in pain Jonathan. If we could take this pain away from you and take it on ourselves we would do it…" said Tony.
"We are going to see you through this! We will get you whatever help it is you need- no matter what…" she said.
"Let's change the subject okay?" asked Jonathan. Both Tony and Angela tried to fill the conversation with happier topics. They both felt like they were walking on eggshells, trying to avoid any conversation that could be triggering. Finally, the visit was over and they started saying their goodbyes.
"We will be back first thing in the morning. We love you so much Jonathan!" she said as she wrapped her arms around him. Tony followed suit, giving him a long hug.
"Mom… never mind. Thank you. I love you both so much too…" he said as he turned and walked away. They watched him leave, a nagging feeling in both their stomachs.
"Oh Tony I hate leaving him! He seems so down, so sad and hopeless!" she practically cried.
"I know Angela… let's go so we can get there and back home. We can call him once we are done and see if we need to come back up tonight or first thing in the morning" he said as they walked to the car. Angela drove them straight to the doctor's office and helped Tony out of the car. Tony checked himself in and they waited in the waiting room until he was called in.
"Hi Tony! How are you? How's that shoulder?" asked Dr. Ryder.
"It's not so bad… as long as I don't move it too much…" he said.
"Alright let's see what we have going on…" he said as he performed an exam on Tony. Angela could see Tony was in a great deal of pain but tried to hide it for her benefit. Once the exam was completed, he had Angela and Tony sit down in his office.
"Tony I'll be honest. With the extensive damage already done to that shoulder, I don't see how surgery won't be needed to make sure the repair happens correctly. I'm referring you to a sports orthopedic surgeon to run some more tests but I think you can safely assume surgery is in your future" he said.
"Is that really necessary? We've got a lot going on right now…" said Tony. Angela's heart sank at the doctor's words. She had no idea how she would be able to manage Jonathan's needs, Tony having surgery and recovering plus still working a full time job. Her anxiety started to get the best of her; she needed to take a few deep breaths to regain her composure.
"How soon can we get that referral? I don't want Tony to be in anymore pain than he already is" said Angela.
"I'm going to see if he can see Tony today actually. It's the practice right next door so if he has some availability, I'm going to send you right over" he said as he picked up his phone and called his receptionist. Tony and Angela waited for a few minutes until they called back, saying they could see Tony right away. He thanked the doctor and headed next door to the surgeon.
"Angela… whatever he says I'm telling you now, Jonathan comes first. I'm not agreeing to any surgery until he's stabilized. And even then, if it's an extensive surgery or recovery time, it can wait even longer" said Tony.
"Let's just wait and see what the doctor says. You might not even need surgery…" she said although neither one of them believed it with the way things were going so far. They again signed into the waiting room, waiting only a few minutes to be seen.
"Hi Tony. Okay let's see what we have going on…" said the doctor. He examined Tony and took a look at the reports from the emergency room.
"I'd like to send you for another MRI but I am almost positive you are going to need surgery. That tear most likely will not heal properly without it plus the scar tissue from the previous injury. I can have the MRI scheduled for next week and then a follow up to go over the results" said the doctor.
"Do I have to have it now or can I wait? How long is the surgery and the recovery?" asked Tony.
"I wouldn't want to wait too long, no more than a month. The procedure isn't too long but the scar tissue can complicate things. Recovery will be anywhere from four to eight weeks with physical therapy needed for months most likely" he said.
"Thank you doctor. Early next week would be good. We are in the middle of a crisis with our son. He's in an inpatient hospital in Massachusetts. We are hoping he gets released in the next few weeks but we will do whatever we need to for Tony's recovery too" said Angela as she did everything she could to hold back tears.
"I'm sorry to hear that. We will try and get all testing and pre-surgical testing done as soon as possible" he said. The doctor led them out of the exam room where the receptionist scheduled his MRI for the following Monday morning. They thanked the doctor for seeing them so quickly and left the office.
"Angela…" he started to say when Angela cut him off.
"Don't even say it Tony. You are having the surgery whenever they can get you in. If it's still while he's in the hospital… we will make it work somehow. This is your health and we are not going to jeopardize it" she said.
"Alright, alright! Let's just see what happens next week and if he starts to make more progress by then, I'll have the surgery if I need it, but our son comes first. I'll live with a bum shoulder for the rest of my life if it means he's okay…" he said.
"Let's figure this out next week. I can't begin to process all of this right now. Let's just go home" she said as she drove them home. They stopped on the way to get some groceries and finally got home just before dinner time. Angela called the unit to check on Jonathan but they said he was sleeping. They decided to stay home and leave in the morning. Angela helped Tony make dinner and an extra meal for Jonathan. They were both exhausted but managed to eat dinner, clean up the kitchen and head upstairs to shower and get ready for bed. Angela helped Tony shower and get changed. Just as they settled into bed, the phone rang. Tony picked it up.
"Hello? Yes this is his stepfather… what? When? Is he alright? Okay we will be on our way but we are about two hours away… yes of course… thank you…" said Tony.
"Tony what is it? Is Jonathan okay?" she said as the tears started to fall.
"He… he tried to hurt himself Angela… they stopped him from doing anything too serious thank god but they transferred him to the emergency room. He may need surgery on his hand and arm. I said we would be there as soon as we can. I'm going to call Mona and have her call Sam and Hank… he's going to be okay Angela… it's going to be okay…" he said, just as much for his own benefit as for hers.
"Tony…" she started before she fell apart, uncontrollable tears flowing. All Tony could do was hold her and let his own tears come.