Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I make profit off of Twilight. All rights belong to it's author Stephanie Meyer.
Reviews:
KEZZ- Thank you, my friend! I hope you keep enjoy and keep reading :)
Guest- I'm so sorry T_T, his words will ring true...eventually...maybe...I'm sorry.
AlexisHard- I'm so glad you enjoyed the surprise! I felt it necessary now that were back in Twilight we kind of explain where Mare is and whats going on now that we're back...eventually we might go back, but for now...this is where we're at! I'm so happy you like my story and really hope you like this chapter, it's a bit heavy but things are only going to go up from here!
Ooshnish- I'm so happy you enjoyed that last chapter! I can never ignore your requests for more chapters as you well know lol, and you can ask away for more and earlier chapters I promise you I don't mind. I'm so excited for your beach trip and implore you to please enjoy your holiday! I will be right here when you get back because well, I'm boring lol. Sending all my love your way! Coffee
Gretchenia- Oh my luv, I'm so happy to hear back from you! and once again let me send my well wishes your way for your situation, I understand the loss of a loved one and once again send all my love your way! I absolutely love that you're enjoying Esme and Carlisle and feel so much happiness that this old story of mine is helping you so much, you have no idea how much I loved reading it, I actually had to read it a couple times because it made me so happy I couldn't stop smiling. I absolutely melted when you called me an author as it's all I've really ever wanted in life, and you saying it...thank you my friend, thank you so much! You're words make me so happy and have helped me immensely that an extra chapter was the lease I could do for you! You are my greatest internet friend. Carlisle telling Mare to let Edward speak for her was one of my favorite lines and I actually have had that line in the back of my head since I started this fic and was so happy when I finally got a chance to put it down. Theirs much more hurt/comfort in this chapter so I look forward to what you have to say about it! When I finished it I thought about how I couldn't wait for you to read it, so please whatever you have to say is wonderful, your reviews are never too long and I enjoy reading them soooo much, so please never fear about that! and lastly there are enough thank yous, you give them to me every week and that my friend...is the greatest thank you!
Let Her Feel This
The world is hot. Sweat prickles from every pore on my body, soaking me in an uncomfortable hot sticky sensation. Even the clothes on my body are completely drenched making it so the fabric is glued to my skin. I groan trying to pull it away, only to have cold hands pull my wrists away and sit me up, my sore body aches in protest. I feel the sticky fabric being pulled off my body and I shiver at the sensation of being exposed, the cold air around me hitting my skin causing goosebumps to prickle along my stomach and chest. A textured fabric quickly wipes the bumps and sweat away before another softer shirt is placed on my body and I'm laid back down. The motion is repeated with my bottoms and then a light sheet is pulled up to my chest. I hear people speaking above me, but I can't make it out, everything is so hot and fizzy...are they even speaking English? I moan and try to roll onto my side, my chest feels heavy when I'm on my back and I want relief, but arms grab me and roll me back. I groan out again trying to push the hands away but their relentless and I finally give up, my achy body telling me it's not worth it. After a second a cold hand gently pushes into my forehead and stays there, another hand rests on my cheek, a soft finger glides up and down my skin, it's comforting, and I feel myself relaxing, sleep overtaking me once again.
…
The next time I come into consciousness, things aren't any clearer, I'm still hot and uncomfortable, but there's a heavy weight next to me. I take a deep breath finding only a dense achy feeling and groan in discomfort.
"Shhhh" Cold fingers card through my hair, while another hand gently rests against my cheek, their cold hand a relief on my fiery skin.
"It's okay love, relax." The voice belongs to Esme and sounds like she's lying next to me, I whimper and try to push her away. I don't want her comfort, I don't want anyone's comfort, I want to be alone, I want...I don't know what I want..to die..to love...everything just hurts.
"It's okay, Mare rest." Carlisle's voice is tough but reassuring as his hands reach forward and grab my wrists stopping me from moving around too much, "We're here sweetheart, it's okay." but it's not okay, does this man not realize everything that's happened, everything I know...I hate it. I feel tears form in my eyes and roll down my cheeks. My tears feel cold and I feel Carlisle quickly wipe them away,
"Oh, Mare." Esme coos, it's gentle and almost sounds like she's speaking to a baby, I'm not a baby, although I'm crying like one,
"Please," I rasp out not surprised at the sandpaper pain in my throat, I did scream for a while,
"Please what luv?" Esme questions gently, running her palm from my forehead to the side of my hair, working out any knots there, it's so maternal, so kind...so much more than I deserve, I deserve nothing.
"Leave," I whisper, feeling more tears behind my closed lids, I open them finding the room dim, I almost can't make out Carlisle sitting in front of me, his form leaning over the bed, his hand wiping my tears, his eyes slightly worried,
"Do you want to be alone, honey?" He asks gently, I shake my head, and my movements feel slow and muddled, "What do you want Mare?" He asks again, even more gently than before. I take a breath, finding it harder this time than before,
"Die." I croak out unable to contain the sob any longer. Arms wiggle under me from behind, and pull me close, cold lips kiss my temple,
"Oh, no Mare, no." She comforts, "Shhhhh, breathe with me sweetheart," I can't, I cry, louder and louder until the world around me turns dark and I can find peace once again.
…
Hot air is pushed into my face, and suddenly I feel like I'm burning. I gasp, reaching up to wipe the hot feeling from my lips when my hands are seized and brought down in front of me, I struggle,
"It's okay, honey calm down." Carlisle's voice is gentle and I open my eyes, he's sitting on the side of the bed, my hands clasped in his in front of me. He gently maneuvers my hand into one of his hands and reaches down to place the palm of his right hand on my chest,
"Hot," I mumble,
"You've caught a nasty chest cold, my sweet girl." He explains as if talking to a child...isn't that what I am...I feel so much older now. "The inhaler has some good medicine, just breathe it in." Inhaler? That's when I notice it, the mask strapped to my face, the medicine... the hot air hitting my face. I suddenly feel claustrophobic and try to pull my hands away to rip the mask off, but Carlisle's having none of that and holds my hands a little harder, while his right hand comes up to rest on my forehead,
"No.." I whimper,
"Shhh shh shh, it's alright honey, it's gonna be alright, just breathe, I know it's a little uncomfortable, but it's not forever, okay?" He speaks slowly, "This too shall pass.." Will it?" I feel the tears again and roll my eyes, how can I still be crying, Carlisle brushes them away before they can fall with the pad of his thumb, "Yes. This. Will. Pass." He nods saying each word with enough strength behind them, I almost believe them. Until I remember that I'm not supposed to be in this world. I was never supposed to be here, I'm only here because of my mother...
Something beeps beside me and Carlisle smiles,
"See, all done for today." He places my hands on my stomach and reaches up to carefully pull the mask off my face by untying an elastic band on the side. He pulls it away and places it on the side table with a smile,
"Carlisle." I force out my throat dry,
"Thirsty?" He questions bringing a small glass with a straw to my lips, I take a sip, and he pulls it away to place on the nightstand,
"Carlisle," I say clearer now that my throat isn't so parched,
"Yes, sweetheart?" He places a hand overtop of mine,
"I need.." My voice cracking and a cough bubbling up deep from my chest, Carlisle coaches me through it, rubbing my bicep up and down in a soothing manner, it's only when I stop he speaks,
"What do you need sweetheart, anything you want you can have." I take a breath this one not as deep and speak,
"I need you." Carlisle has me up and in his arms instantly, one cool hand supporting the back of my head the other rubbing up and down my back. I grab ahold of his sweater in a vise grip, holding it as tightly as I can,
"I'm right here baby girl, I'm here." My fingers are wound around Carlisle's sweater so tightly, that they hurt, but I don't let go, I can't. If I do what will happen to him? Will he disappear? Will I disappear, the last time I did, it was because he was holding on to me but I wasn't holding on to him. I can't go back to my world...that world... there's nothing left for me there.
"Don't go." I choke out, burying my face in Carlisle's chest,
"I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere." The hand on the back of my head tangles in my hair, "You are so loved Mare, you are so loved and so cared for, I promise my sweet girl, you will heal and I will be right here for you, we all will. You are not alone and this is not the end of your story." I feel the tears again and this time I don't hold back. I do the one thing I haven't let Carlisle, Esme, or anyone else from this world see me do. I sob. Loud, painful, wet, choking sobs. I've cried here and there, I'm pretty sure I practically cried myself dry last night, or maybe yesterday night...at this point I don't know, but I've never wailed like this, never in front of people, especially someone like Carlisle, but I'm tired and...I feel safe.
"Shhhh shhhh let it out sweetheart, I'm here," Carlisle whispers, rocking us back and forth in a comforting manner. My body hurts and my throat feels raw, but I scream and claw closer, Carlisle every patient, just holds me tighter, whispering in my ear, his cold lips kissing the top of my head between each of his comforting words and I claw closer.
I don't know how long we are like that, how long I'm screaming and crying, how long Carlisle holds me whispering sweet words, but eventually Carlisle tries to pull me away. I tighten my grip and even though I know Carlisle could push me away he doesn't, instead he rubs my back and gently nudges me,
"Mare, sweetheart, you need to calm down and breathe." I don't listen, "Mare, you're going to pass out if you don't take a deeper breath." I hope I do, unconsciousness is the only time I get a break,
"Carlisle?" A voice by the door shouts over my screams, Carlisle stops trying to push me away and pulls me closer pushing the side of my head into his chest and holding it there,
"Do it." I hear the sound reverberate in his chest, I open my mouth to scream again when a sudden calming feeling rushes over both my mind and body and I can't keep my grip on Carlisle's sweater and let go. Carlisle has me so tightly encased in his arms I don't fall back,
"That's it, my sweet girl, let Jasper help you relax and breathe, good girl." He coaches, holding me close, my body feeling so overly tired I can't help but go limp and close my eyes, peaceful darkness overtaking, "That's it, just rest."
…
Theirs arguing, it's not loud but by tone of voice, it's a bad argument.
"The answer is no," A harsh voice hisses,
"Mi Amour, please, the children say this in love." A gentle voice chides,
"I know that, but the answer is no." Theirs scuffling around and I feel myself come more into consciousness and realize two things. One, I'm still tired, and two I still hurt..bad.
"Esme, please, your eyes are black, you need to feed." A female voice demands, "She'll. Be. Okay."
"Stop all of the-" A cough bubbles its way up my chest and I can't stop it, coughing so hard I have to sit up. A cold hand quickly presses into my back keeping me from loosing balance.
"You're okay, keep coughing." Carlisle's voice coaches and I feel him press a cloth over my mouth, "Get it out." He rubs my back until I stop and then pulls the cloth away, "good girl." He gently lays me back down, brushing my bangs back, his hand lingering on my forehead. He opens his mouth to speak when hands push him out of the way,
"Mare?" Esme peers down at me her eyes worried but also...black. The usual golden sheen gone and replaced with darkness,
"You should hunt," I whisper, my throat sore from the coughing fit,
"What?" She furrows her brows, reaching forward to place her palm on my cheek,
"Your eyes."
"It's alright honey, I'm okay, I won't leave you." I swallow, she won't leave me? She has the same fears I do. When I held on to Carlisle and refused to let go because if I did I could disappear. She feels the same way...but she needs to feed, I've never seen her eyes this dark.
"Please," I croak out, "Your eyes scare me." She pulls her hand away, her face once worried, now destroyed. She turns behind her,
"Please, Esme." The female voice pleads...it sounds like Rosalie. Esme turns back to me, her lips pursed uncertainly,
"We'll make it quick," Carlisle whispers and Esme stands. I let my eyes drift close.
"Quick?" I hear Esme whisper stepping away from my bed,
"Yes, my love," Carlisle reassures her,
"What if she has another fit?" Fit? Have I been having fits? No..right...
"She's already had her breathing treatment for the day, and I'm right here, I'll take care of it." Rose stresses, "Not to mention, Jaspers been camped outside for the last 24 hours, she'll be fine." A long silence passes before anyone speaks,
"We'll make it quick?" Esme asks,
"Yes. My love, if I say she's going to be alright while we're gone, then she's going to be alright." Carlisle confirms instantly. I hear footsteps and cold lips press into my forehead,
"I'll be right back." Esme whispers before stepping back, "Please call me if anything happens."
"Nothing's going to happen," Rose tells her, her voice soft and reassuring. Esme must believe her because I hear footsteps echoing out the door and down the hall. God, I feel awful, however, nothing feels as awful as the thoughts running through my mind. I'm starting to miss sleep, I don't have to think when I'm asleep, and I don't even seem to be dreaming either. The bed dips and I feel another cold hand card through my hair. It feels nice and I open my eyes, Rose is sitting on the edge of the bed, her eyebrows furrowed and lips thinned in concentration.
"Her eyes really didn't scare you did they?" She asks quietly, her hand running down my hair to the ends,
"No," I whisper back and I know we both understand,
"How are you feeling?" She asks, I swallow wincing, "You need to rest, would you like me to read to you?" Deja Vu, it feels like only days ago that Rose sat in the corner of my room reading Nancy Drew. It was the first time that I felt like she might like me...now I realize it was the beginning of Rose's love, and I don't want her love anymore, I don't want it from anyone.
"She wants you to read to her." Edwards says from one of the chairs in the corner, "That Nancy Drew book." He clarifies not caring what I want at all. Rose rests her hand on my cheek,
"Let me grab the book, you left it in the living room, okay?" She quickly gets to her feet and exits,
"I didn't.." I croak out, my voice breaking off when I remember Rose could probably hear me. Edward gets to his feet and takes Rosalie's spot on the bed,
"Mare." He swallows looking away for a second, "I'm sorry."
"Don't-" I trust my hand out in front of him, but he grabs my wrist and places it on his chest,
"I'm so sorry, what happened to you isn't fair, you're hurt and in pain, and what your mother did is one of the worst things a parent can do to their child-"
"Eddie please stop-"
"But please Mare, please, let us help you, let us love you."
"No-" I try to pull my hand away, but Edward just holds tighter,
"We're hurt too, let us heal together. Esme, Carlisle, Rose, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Me, we're all hurting with you, please-" I can't stop it. The tears fall and I choke on my own words, gasping and crying. I use what little strength I have to sit up into Edwards cold arms. He lets go of my wrists and holds me, cradling both my back and head,
"Why?"
"I don't know and I'm so so sorry," I feel this hand slip down to my neck and his thumb brush up and down the back of my hair. I'm surprised my hair isn't a sweaty rat nest although I have a feeling Esme's been seeing to it in my sleep.
"Did she ever love me?" I shutter out knowing Edward might be the only one to answer my question, seeing what I've seen.
"Of course Mare, of course, she just had too much pain,"
"Why Eddie, why?"
"Let it out Mare, let that pain take over, let yourself feel it, and then accept it, and then together we'll help you heal from it." I cry harder, my mother never got those words, she was forced to take responsibility and live with it. No one held her like this and let her feel the weight of everything that happened to her and then helped her heal. No, she was forced to find solace in mind-numbing substances until she ruined not only her whole life but mine too. From the moment of my conception, my mother was reminded of what happened to her...she never had a chance to heal...I never did either
"I still love her." I force out, taking a large breath feeling popping in my chest.
"You should Mare," he pulls me closer resting my head on his shoulder, "Love her and leave her." Leave her?
"How?" I gasp and Edward rubs my back,
"She's in your past now, Mare." I choke out a sob grabbing onto his shirt as I did Carlisle's. I hate crying like this, crying and gasping for breath. I never cry like this, not when my mother slapped me for the first time, not when she pushed me so hard I broke our glass coffee table, not when she started drinking again, not when practically threw me down the stairs and broke my ankle, and not even when my coach told me my career was over...none of that made me cry like this, this hard and this loud...
"Edward what have you done!" Rosalie's voice hisses from the door. She drops the book and rushes over but Edward doesn't let me go and Rosalie settles for sitting next to us and running her hand down my arm,
"I'm letting her mourn." He whispers, I'm so tired I can't keep my grasp on his shirt anymore and let go, Edward wraps his arms a bit more tightly and maneuvers the two of us so that I'm balanced carefully in the crook of his arm. I hear the door open
"Do you need me to.."Jasper's voice trails off,
"No," Rose stops him, "Let her feel this."
And feel it I do.