Disclaimer: The following is a fan-written fiction, the views and opinions in this story are not intended to be viewed as those of the author. Ranma 1/2, Urusei Yatsura, Inuyasha, and Five Pound Gospel are the creations of Rumiko Takahashi, property of their respective rights holders and publishers. Please support the official releases.

CW: This story will contain violence, strong language, sexual humor and situations, drug use, Moroboshi Ataru, and Happosai. You've been warned.

|Crackdown|

Flying high enough that its engine could not be heard on the ground, a broad-winged, pusher-propeller driven drone entered the narrow airspace over the Nerima Special Administration District and began to orbit within the confines of the territory. High-definition cameras quickly pointed to the streets below, as students from almost every school save those within Taian began to venture off the grounds for lunch.

Unlike its predecessor, this drone's mechanical eyes did not waste time panning the area. It was looking for someone specific.

"You don't have to go through all the trouble," Katie said to Akane as they headed towards the okonomiyaki stand Kaori mentioned. "It's eatin' into your lunch time to come all this way with me."

"Well, I wanted to have lunch with you, don't worry about my lunch time. Kasumi's food is too good for it to last long." Akane said, having picked up that Katie didn't really like people putting themselves too far out on her behalf.

It was an endearing quirk of her senpai, and she wasn't going to fault her for it. "Besides, I wanted to ask for some advice for my training routine."

"All right, I s'pose." Katie had to accept it, pushing down her worries over inconveniencing the girl and other such annoying feelings. "Let's make tracks then. We don't want to linger 'round here. It's a hoot and a holler away from Ataru's school."

Akane shuddered at the thought of dealing with his mess again. "Let's go."

Not far from their destination, in classroom 3-4 of Tomobiki High School, trouble was afoot and for once, it didn't seem like Moroboshi Ataru was the cause. Their teacher, Onsen Mark, was missing, and in his place an "All Day Free Study" notice was written on the chalkboard. Quite a few teachers and staff were absent from their classrooms and posts.

Under most circumstances, a teacher being MIA was cause for celebration and relaxation, but multiple teachers?

"Something strange is going on, and it's bothering me." A girl with well-kept, brown hair in a long bob not unlike Nabiki's said as she watched out the window other students take advantage of the missing teachers to wander off campus for lunch early.

She was speaking to another girl with large pretty, black-colored eyes and matching hair that was cut short enough to resemble a boy. She also wore a boy's uniform and sat in her chair slouched back with her feet on the desk like a young man would. "Something besides Ataru?"

"Ataru's always strange," the more feminine of the two said.

"Yeah, but today's weirder than usual." The tomboy looked at the man himself as she spoke. He was lounging back in his seat, half-cloud gazing, half lost in daydreams of tall, leggy foreign girls stepping on him.

"Ryūnosuke-san," the first girl, Miyake Shinobu, said. "Doesn't it bother you that the teacher's been gone all day today?"

Fujinami Ryūnosuke, the second girl, looked at Shinobu like the answer was obvious. "No?"

Shinobu sighed. "I'll admit that was a dumb question. I asked around the other classrooms while I was on my way to the bathroom. All the other teachers on the first floor are missing, too."

That caught Ryūnosuke's attention, and she took her feet off her desk to sit up. "Okay, that is weird, what's going on?"

"Knowing this school's track record?" Shinobu shook her head. "Nothing good."

They both looked over at Ataru, who let out a longing sigh. They turned to one another with a shared uncertainty, before Ryūnosuke held up a fist. Looking at it, Shinobu held her own, and they played a quick best of three of Janken.

Ryūnosuke won both times, and Shinobu cursed under her breath before heading over to the lecherous young man. "Hey, Ataru?"

Ataru bolted upright, beaming. "Shinobu-chan…!"

"Nope, none of that," Shinobu said, with her arms folded and a hard look. "Do you have any idea what's going on with the teachers?"

Ataru looked aside and his eyes narrowed as an air of mystery was raised around him. "I'm not sure I can tell you here…"

And just like that it was gone as he flashed her his big, optimistic smile. "Come out for lunch with me, and I'll tell you everything I know!"

Shinobu rolled her eyes. "Pass."

Ryūnosuke stepped up. "But you do know something's going on, right?"

Ataru held up his hand, stopping her. "Ah! If you want my valuable information, it won't be cheap. One lunch date, from either of you–or both of you. I'll pay."

"I've got my own damn lunch," Ryūnosuke shot back.

"And I'm not going on a lunch date with you," Shinobu added before she leaned down to glare at Ataru. "You definitely know something's going on. What is it?"

Ataru stared back at Shinobu. "Shinobu-chan, I…"

Shinobu's expression softened. "What is it?"

He brought his hand to the back of his head and let out a small, nervous laugh. "I actually don't know what you're talking about."

Shinobu let out an almighty "UGH!" and turned away from Ataru. "Useless no-good…!"

Taking her rejection in stride, Ataru shrugged his shoulders. "Look on the bright side. We've had all day to goof off, daydream, and have fun. Who cares what the teachers are doing? If they're not bothering us, then it's great for everybody!"

As much as she didn't want to, Ryūnosuke agreed. "Yeah, he's a horrible excuse for an insult to real men, but he's right."

Ataru dramatically gripped his chest over his heart. "Ryū-chan, you wound me!"

"I could do so much more than wound you," she muttered.

Ataru looked left and right, then leaned closer. "So uh… like what?"

As Ryūnosuke grunted in disgust, the door opened and another person conspicuously absent for the day entered. Mendo's smooth entrance as usual divided the class–most of the girls greeted him with great cheer, while every male student sneered and avoided looking directly at him. He smirked at the reactions. This was how one should always make an entrance–with women wanting you, and men envying your radiance, or so he thought.

"Where have you been, Mendō?" Ataru asked.

Shinobu turned to him. "Mendō, do you know what's going on?"

Ryūnosuke shot Ataru a look, then faced Mendō as well. "Where'd all the teachers go, man?"

Mendō smirked and closed his eyes. "I happen to know exactly where they went. They've been helping me arrange a most unforgettable luncheon."

Ataru got up. "Wow, buying lunch for us? Mendō, you're so generous." He stopped. "Your next words are 'It's not for you, you baboon, this lunch we've prepared is for the female students!' Now to you:"

"It's not for you, you baboon, this lunch we've prepared is for the female students!" Mendō stopped and glared at Ataru.

Ataru smiled back and winked.

Mendō drew a white-sheathed wooden sword from behind his back and swung it down on Ataru's head. "PREDICT THIS, MORON!"

Ataru caught the sword between his hands. "Weakling, weakling! Did you really think you can stand up to me, you utter WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Mendō had kicked him in the balls.

Ryūnosuke burst into laughter so hard she collapsed against her desk and down to the floor, as Ataru rolled around on it in fury-inducing pain.

Shinobu was more curious about the food. "Did you really prepare lunch for us girls, Mendō-kun?" She asked.

Mendō sheathed his blade and approached her. "It's true, I have hired the finest chefs in Tokyo to come here today and prepare food for not just the girls in this class, but every fair maiden in this entire school. If only to reassure them that the school's food is perfectly edible, and that there is no need to go off campus for lunch."

Ataru stopped rolling around when Mendō's words registered through the pain, a thought flashing through his head.

Shinobu had eaten enough food catered on Mendō's yen to know what was in store. "Well, I was going to go out to lunch, but if we're going to have some good food. I'll stay here."

A gleam appeared in Mendō's eye. "That's good to hear." He turned to Ryūnosuke, who was still on her knees, laughing at Ataru's pain. "What about you, Ryū-chan?"

Ryūnosuke looked up. "First off… heheheh… fuck you and Shinobu for implying my store's food is bad. Second off, I got my own lunch, thanks very much."

Mendō wanted to point out that Ryūnosuke herself would testify that the food made at her store was bad, but alas, he was a simp. As more female students in class crowded closer, he continued. "I understand, but it's truly fantastic fare. I personally made sure to select dishes based on the tastes of everyone–including yours."

Though reluctant, Ryuunosuke's ear was tugged, and she grew more inquisitive.

Mendō smiled. "Just trust me that you'll not want to miss this luUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

His voice rose from a masculine baritone to the highest castrato from the sheer force of Ataru's wedgie. "So! A lunch where all the girls are allowed but not the boys, eh Mendō? And what are we exactly supposed to do about our meal?"

Looking down, he realized that he had actually lifted his mortal rival off his feet, and he was dangling. "Wow, if I didn't think I could afford these tighty-whities, I'd ask where you got them from."

He dropped Mendō, who collapsed to one knee, bellowing for breath. "Anyway, I all of a sudden don't care about you sucking up to the girls."

Because Ataru knew there was one girl that Mendō couldn't suck up to. "Hey, Lum!"

Lum, who'd been ignoring all the happening at the moment to exchange texts with her extraterrestrial friends, perked up hearing him call. "Yes, Darling?"

Ataru shot a quick look down at his ragged foe, before asking her. "Lunch Bell's about to ring, do you want to go get some ramen with me?"

Lum gasped, and pitched herself out of the chair, flying over to him. "Of course!"

Mendō, much like Sakura at the meeting earlier that morning, turned a ghastly white and forgot all about his testicular trauma. He threw himself back onto his feet and reached out to Lum. "LUM YOU MUSN'T!"

And it was at this moment, when he saw the excessively smug look on Ataru's face, that Mendō knew.

He fucked up.

Ryūnosuke, back on her feet, scowled at Mendō. "All right, what's going on?"

Shinobu suddenly found all of her simmering dread justified. "What are you trying to keep us girls from being part of?"

Mendō caught his breath, his slicked hair worlds messier from the violence inflicted on his person. He looked up at the clock and sighed. "It is too late now for any of that. Just know that if you dare to leave the school today for lunch, there will be consequences."

Everyone else looked at the clock and saw the second-hand reach twelve. The first notes of the Westminster Chime began to play on the school's PA system.

"Consequences…?" Ataru repeated, before he put it all together. Missing teachers, Mendō dropping a surprise lunch on the girls, his willingness to throw it all away for Lum…!

"Aw shit!" Ryūnosuke shouted. "The teachers are cracking down on the kids who go off school property for lunch, ain't they?!"

Ataru turned around. "Hey! I was about to say that! That! And totally not that Mendō was going to let all the guys leave, lock the school up and have a huge reverse gangbang orgy…"

Everyone stared at Ataru in silence. After a moment, Shinobu broke it.

"Ataru, what the fuck?"

Ataru gestured at Mendō. "He'd totally do it!"

Lum elbowed him. "Stop projecting your weird fantasies onto other people."

"Yes." Mendō said, as he wished he'd thought of that himself.

Standing up and brushing himself off, he smoothed his hair back into place and then turned to face Ataru. "Ryūnosuke-san is correct, the school is putting an end to the lunch-leavers, and I thought it only right to prevent the young women of this school from being caught up in it."

He looked up at the clock, as the bell continued to chime towards twelve. "As the bells toll, the teachers are hard at work rounding up the delinquent students at all their favorite spots to bring them back to class and to order and discipline."

00000

"At every store."

Several blocks from the school, close to the Butsumetsu neighborhood. A handful of Tomobiki Students descended on the local 7-11. The group was small, consisting of three boys. The leader of the trio was a young man with light brown and messy hair, and matching eyes behind a pair of horn-rimmed glasses. His name is Satoshi, but because of his glasses goes regularly by Megane. His regular interests include Lum Invader, making dramatic speeches, and Nazi Germany iconography.

He was accompanied by his two best friends. The first was Hiroyuki, a tall and large young man with dark brown hair done in a crew cut–the source of his nickname Kakugari. His interests included Lum Invader, CrossFit, and telling everyone that his best buddy Megane was not a Nazi, just a wehraboo. The second was Perm, known for his curly hair that hung over his forehead like a tiny pompadour. He used to be named Kōsuke but lost the right to be called that in a fight. He too adores Lum Invader, enjoys creeping on her inappropriately, and watching Kakugari's vain attempts to steer Megane away from becoming Japanese Hitler.

"Are you sure it's safe to be around here?" Kakugari asked as he checked out the window of the store. "You can literally see Butsumetsu High School from here."

Megane smirked as he collected a few sandwiches, several bags of chips, and a large bottle of juice. "You don't need to worry; Soban and his gang won't bother us."

"The confidence you have when you say that bothers me," Perm said.

Megane tapped the side of his head. "It's all in the process. You don't need to worry about why Butsumetsu won't bother us, you just need to enjoy the fact that Butsumetsu won't bother us."

Kakugari frowned. "It's because you literally sold Chibi to them, isn't it?"

"I didn't sell him; I made a deal with Soban!" Megane shot back.

"That deal literally involved making Chibi part of their gang!" Kakugari pointed out.

Perm shook his head. "Chibi's too cute to last long there."

"He's fine!" Megane shouted. "Now are you going to keep complaining or let me buy you lunch?!"

Behind the counter, the cashier looked at the three with what could only be described as muted horror. With no protests from his compatriots, Megane set down the goods and pushed them forward for the cashier to scan, and then reached into his back pocket to pull out his wallet.

"So how much is this going to be?" He asked as he pulled out his wallet.

As soon as it was out of his pocket, a firm hand took him at the wrist. He looked up to see a sunglasses-wearing man in a black suit looming over him. Three more surrounded him, Kakugari, and Perm from behind–all undetected.

"Eh?" He asked, before he looked to the door, and an older man in a dark green suit stepped in. Right away, he recognized him. "H-hey, you're a teacher!"

The strict-styled middle-aged Japanese man nodded. "That's right, and you're coming back to school."

"At every shop."

Closer to Tomobiki, a set of girls led by a taller, athletic looking girl wearing a dark jacket and matching sunglasses walked up to a ramen stand. Their tall leader was beautiful, with short black hair that accentuated her femininity–unlike certain other tomboys she knew of who wound up looking more like a man. The girls following her did so with a sense of unease, some looking towards the school, while others looked down at the ground.

"Captain, are you sure we can't go back? Mendō-san has gone through so much trouble." One of them complained.

Their Captain let out a seething snarl. "What trouble does a rich sissy like Mendō go through? I'm not eating any of his food and neither are any of you, and we'll be much better for it!"

She pushed aside the waist high curtains that kept the sun out of the ramen stand. "Besides, I'm paying for you girls anyway, so it's a free lunch for you either way–isn't it?"

Another of the girls brightened a little. "Thank you, Captain Natsuko."

The old cook behind the counter looked at the four girls, and his beady eyes narrowed. He glanced from the girls over to two customers who'd shown up just to the girls' right, a pair of men in black suits and sunglasses. He looked at the tallest girl, catching her gaze, then glanced towards her left. Then he shook his head.

Natsuko, as identified by the other girl, met his strange looks with confusion. "Eh? What're you on about Ramen Guy? Serve us up!" She looked at her friends. "Order whatever. I'm buying."

The cook made a small but quick shake of his head and glanced over again at the men in black.

Natsuko followed his gaze and looked at the two men. "Huh?"

She looked back at the man, before reaching into her skirt pocket and pulling out a pocketbook. "Look, are you going to take our orders or not?"

As soon as the wallet was out, the two men stood up and stepped over to the girls. Natsuko turned to them. "What do you want?"

The curtains parted again, and a small, thin woman dressed as a teacher stepped up. "We want you to come along quietly. You ladies are in big trouble!"

The girls, recognizing one of their school teachers, looked back at the men in black, as two more entered the shop. On the other side of the counter, his head bowed, the cook clenched his fists and tightened his jaw in impotent anger.

"Every restaurant!"

At a small lunch diner, a small group of Tomobiki students were seated around a table, handing in their orders with the server. They were typical students, none particularly delinquent, or even notable, just students enjoying lunch like they always did.

The matronly server, who forced her smile and avoided meeting any of their gazes, took each boy's order and crept off to the back to hand them in.

"Hey," one of the boys noticed their server's withdrawn attitude. "Is it just me or is the old lady in a bad mood."

One of his mates shrugged his shoulders. "I heard that idiot Tigerbull came through here a few days ago and cleaned out some restaurants. Maybe she's still feeling the hit?"

The third boy of the quartet disagreed. "If it was Rei, this place would still be closed, and the owner would be happier for it. Stupid fake pretty boy…"

The fourth of the quartet had the answer, as he checked the school's BBS on his phone. "Hey, the BBS is lighting up. Students are saying that teachers are grabbing them at restaurants!"

The first of the boys couldn't believe it. "Why? They never cared about us eating out before."

The second agreed. "Yeah!"

The third shrugged his shoulders. "Eh, who cares? There're way more spots around school than teachers. And if one does try to get the jump on us, we can just bolt, right?"

As the other boys agreed, a woman from the back stepped out, but it wasn't the server. Shorter than the boys, and a bit on the rounder side, she had curly, poofy blonde hair that stopped just below her shoulders, and eyes brown like warm, rich chocolate. Standing over them, as a pair of men in black stepped in and blocked the doorway, the woman smiled down at the would-be customers.

"Bonjour! Vous vous amusez bien?" She asked in an airy, almost sleepy voice.

Despite the cheer and softness of her voice, the boys froze in their seats, and all slowly turned their heads to look up at her as blue trailed down their foreheads and tremors overtook their bodies.

"Nowhere is safe! Not even vending machines and park benches! In the name of defending this school's honor and preserving order, we have sworn to bring all the students who leave for lunch to heel!" Mendō thrust his wooden sword to the ceiling. "As president of the Student Council, it is my sworn duty to aid in disciplining the delinquency that has overtaken this school and show the true path to academic righteousness…!"

He stopped when he noticed that his audience was gone. "Huh?"

He looked around, his head whipping left and right. "What? Where? How?"

He stopped when he saw a note on Ataru's desk, in the otherwise empty classroom. He picked it up and read it.

To Whom It May Concern,

While you were busy loving the sound of your own voice, we all went out to get lunch. You can't stop us from going out to eat, and if you try you will make a fool of yourself like you always do.

Written without Regard,

Moroboshi Ataru

PS

Included at the bottom of this letter is a drawing of a butt. It is a representation of your face. Because your face is a butt. Face butt.

Gottem~

Mendō looked down at the bottom of the page and sure enough there was a picture of a pair of buttocks looking back at him. Lowering the paper, he let out a seething hiss.

"Mo… ro… bo… shi…" He growled as the wooden sword cracked in his hand.

A/N: Like with many things related to Urusei Yatsura, Mendō had a very ill-defined role in the original story. Here, he's getting more than his fair share of the spotlight, and indeed will serve as a fine stand-in to our fallen sword-wielding noble buffoon.