Disclaimer: Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I don't own Harry Potter,
And neither do you!
Author's Note: Thank you so much for the reviews! I am very happy to hear that the story is still being enjoyed. I definitely loved writing Harry back with his friends.
It's very interesting that one of my reviewers actually agrees with Jeff's petition. It's very true that Harry's presence at Hogwarts poses a danger to the students, but he's completely not at fault for any of it. And I do think the adults could have done a FAR better job protecting him. I not only blame Cedric's death on Voldemort and his henchmen, but on the Hogwarts professors. Harry was a child who isn't responsible for any of it.
I'm also sorry that you don't like the nicknames Sirius calls Harry, and that you think he's "creepy" and "gushy". It's true that I'm definitely writing him differently than Rowling did, but this is a Sirius who really has a chance to love a guilt-stricken, traumatized teenage boy who has never really had adults in his life who look after him, and him only. He's coming to terms with his own mistakes and learning to do better. He never called Harry any of those things in the books, but these are not the books, after all. I honestly see Sirius being that affectionate with him.
Anyway, this chapter deals with Sirius seeing Remus again after last chapter's revelations. I really hope you enjoy it.
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Two days after Harry had seen his friends, Sirius was still thinking about the joy it had brought the boy, and in turn, Sirius. Here was a family who loved Harry, who had been there for him when he couldn't. As blurry as the night he had first met Harry still was to him, one memory that stuck out, even through the venomous rage that pumped through him when he had first glimpsed Peter in Ron's pocket, was when the boy had stood up on an obviously broken leg, which Sirius still felt extremely guilty for causing, proclaiming that if he wanted to murder Harry, he'd have to murder him, too. The level of bravery in that action was astounding, and it had reminded him of the loyalty that James had possessed.
During the past month of one-on-one conversations between godfather and godson, Harry had admitted that he and Ron had not spoken for weeks after Harry's name had come out of the Goblet of Fire. Sirius had been furious when Harry had explained the situation, and that Ron had accused him of putting his own name in due to jealousy. But Harry had instantly tried to calm Sirius down by telling him that after the First Task, they had made up. And thinking back over recent events, it was obvious that Ron realized what a colossal mistake he'd made, and that he felt extremely guilty for it. He remembered the agonized expression on Ron's face the day after the Third Task, and knew the other boy regretted everything. Harry's life was no picnic, and Ron had discovered that in the worst way possible. It was nothing to be jealous of.
Sirius adored Fred and George instantly - they reminded him so much of him and James. Bill was extremely cool, and his career was absolutely fascinating. Ginny ... Sirius would not soon forget the embarrassed flush that had come over Harry's face when he told Sirius that Ginny used to have a crush on him. His voice was full of sadness and anger when he spoke of what the sixteen-year-old Tom Riddle had done to her. He couldn't begin to imagine the effect that had had on her - no matter how much of a brave, happy face she put on, it wasn't something she could just get over. And from the way she looked at Harry now, Sirius knew the crush was gone. He was no longer a famous celebrity she had been told bedtime stories about, but a real person who had gone through trauma, just like her. It was so unfair that they had both had to deal with horrors no human being should have to endure.
Then, there were Molly and Arthur Weasley. Arthur had been fascinated by the stereo, and had grilled Sirius about whether Harry had liked it or not. "He loved it," Sirius had told him with a grin, but didn't discuss the special moment he and Harry had had on his birthday with the song that seemed to capture their relationship. He somehow knew Harry would not speak of it either - it was one of those sacred moments that only they would share.
Molly ... Sirius frowned when he thought about the Weasley matriarch. It was plain to see how much she cared for Harry, and it was only this that kept him from snapping at her. She had looked around the house with an air of disapproval on her face; she couldn't have made it more apparent that she wished Harry were anywhere but here. He understood how unappealing the place was, how its walls seemed to talk of the constant dark magic that had once been done here. Sirius made it his mission to win her approval - he was adamant that he would show her how much Harry was being taken care of, and that he had turned away from the family he'd come from.
But what truly angered him was Percy. Percy, who had no reason to think that Harry would have murdered anyone. Percy, who had been in the same school house with Harry for three years, and still thought that of him. Percy, who had been working with Barty Crouch, Sr. for so long, and not noticed that anything was amiss. Instead of thinking about his own mistakes, he was willing to accuse an innocent boy of murder. Good on Arthur for kicking him out. Percy's head was so up Fudge's arse that Sirius couldn't see where Fudge ended and Percy began. Sirius would not trust himself to be in the same room as that cowardly scumbag.
But all in all, the visit had done Harry a world of good, and Sirius was glad he had trusted them. He still remembered his hesitancy on the day he had escaped with Harry, unsure of whether he should tell them where he was taking him. He wasn't likely to forget what trusting the wrong person had done to Lily and James, and he was terrified of doing the same thing again with Harry. Before he could ruminate too much on it that day, though, Hermione had seen the expression on his face and told him that it was okay, that she trusted him with Harry. He was incredibly touched that she had felt that way.
During the weeks he and Harry were sequestered alone, though, he had ample time to think about that conundrum. Did he really want Harry not to be able to see his friends until this entire mess with the Ministry had been sorted out? How long was that going to take? It wasn't fair of him to keep Harry from his friends - it was obvious that the Dursleys had done that very thing. But how could he strike a balance between Harry's safety and Harry's happiness?
He reasoned to himself, though, that 12 Grimmauld Place was unplottable. Even if the Weasleys told someone else where it was, it would be very difficult for them to find it unless they were taken there directly by Apparition or Portkey. You could only Floo there if Sirius himself cast the magic required to connect that particular address to the house's connection. If the Weasleys had tried to Floo to this location before he had done so, it wouldn't have gotten them anywhere.
It worried him that the family were so devoted to Dumbledore, considering what he was afraid the old man was doing to Harry. But he'd remembered Ron's and Ginny's eyes in the hospital wing right before he and Harry had escaped, and knew that they could be trusted. It was certainly a risk he was taking, and he was all too aware of it. But he had to learn to trust people again, even if a huge part of him screamed against it. Voldemort and the death Eaters were gunning for Harry's blood, and so were the bloody Aurors. Dumbledore wanted him to fulfil the prophecy, for him to be the weapon in this brutal war. The entire thing made Sirius sick to his stomach. But as he'd watched the Weasleys and Hermione with Harry two days ago, he could see it, plain as day - if they had to pick between Harry and Dumbledore, their loyalty would be to Harry. They might try to find reasons to justify Dumbledore's behavior, but when it came right down to it, they would be on Harry's side. This was what sealed Sirius's trust in them once and for all.
And now, today was the day when he would let Remus into this house. Did he trust him? Yes, he wholly trusted him not to want to harm a hair on Harry's head - this was why he would allow him to Floo here without an issue, just like he had the Weasleys. And Harry had told him he had no problem with Remus coming here.
But did he feel as warm towards the man, now that he had truly thought about everything that had transpired since that devastating night of Halloween, 1981? No, he didn't. Not at all. But Harry had given him advice he knew he should take. He had to talk to him, before he allowed the feelings of hurt to fester. Remus was far from the only one who had made mistakes.
Sirius had been truly awful to him in those last months before the end of the First War. Everything had been falling apart - there was a spy in the Order, and the Marauders had narrowed it down to someone in their tight-knit little group. Obviously, it was neither James nor Lily. Sirius had either Remus or Peter to choose from, and the thought of Peter spying for Voldemort was laughable. Every time he thought of it, it made him snort derisively. Peter didn't have the brain cells to pull off such a thing.
But that was exactly where Sirius had underestimated him. He hadn't gotten the measure of Peter well enough, and Peter knew it and used it. When Sirius thought back on how he and James had treated Peter, he knew they had taken his loyalty for granted, and that they'd mocked him for being slower to understand things. He, James, and Remus had helped to tutor him at Hogwarts, and to learn the Animagus transformation. Peter's slow progress had caused Sirius an endless amount of frustration.
But it was only during the times when he was the most introspective that Sirius could recognize that what he and James had done to Peter was wrong. The majority of the time, Sirius had too much hate in his heart to consider such a thing. Peter deserved every single mean thing Sirius and James had said to him, didn't he? He was the reason why Sirius had to see James and Lily's cold, lifeless bodies on the backs of his eyelids every single damned day. He was the reason why Harry was an orphan.
Perhaps, if you had treated him better, none of that would have happened, his nightmares whispered to him. Ever since he and Harry had escaped here, those moments had become more and more frequent. Peter had made his own choices, but perhaps Sirius had made it easier for the man to do what he did. He was no longer in Azkaban, where he'd either been lost in grief or rage. He was no longer on the run, having to be two steps ahead of the Ministry. He and Harry were safe for the moment, and it was giving Sirius a lot more time to ponder his mistakes, his missteps.
And he had said so many horrible things to Remus, accused him of such unimaginable betrayal. He had sworn to himself, ever since he'd found out about Remus's terrible condition, that he would never mistrust him because of it. When he, James, and Peter had discovered the truth and they'd confronted Remus about it, Sirius would never forget how the boy had reacted. Mr. and Mrs. Black had drilled into Sirius's head that werewolves were wicked, vile monsters that caused nothing but destruction. But upon seeing Remus collapse to the floor, his knees unable to hold him up after he was confronted, Sirius did not see a monster. Instead, he saw a lost, heartsick boy the same age as him, sobbing brokenly because he thought he was going to lose all his friends.
He, Peter, and James had all comforted him, reassuring him that they were going to stick by him. "We'll never abandon you," Sirius had promised, staring into Remus's pale face. "You're our friend. You'll always be our friend."
But Sirius had betrayed him - twice. The first time was only four years later, when he'd thoughtlessly used him against Snape in the worst way possible. It took a long time for Remus to get over that night, and Sirius couldn't blame him. The fact that he had been forgiven at all was shocking, and he'd vowed to make it up to him.
And then came the second time, when everyone in the Order was scrambling, trying to figure out who the traitor was. It wasn't James or Lily, and it couldn't be Peter. And Remus had been acting oddly - hadn't Peter kept on saying so? And back in those days, Sirius had seen it was true. Remus barely spoke to his friends anymore, and kept disappearing at strange times. Looking back, Sirius knew there must have been another reason that did not involve him turning on them. The fact that he had let Peter convince him that Remus, like many other werewolves, had gone to Voldemort, made him physically ill. How could he have thought such a thing about his friend, when he had given him no sign that he was going dark?
And now, all these years later, Sirius had a chance to make it up to him. But he couldn't help the anger, resentment, and disappointment he felt towards the lonely man - he hadn't been there for Harry, and that was a crime in itself.
But when he'd awoken that morning, Sirius knew he had to get everything out in the open. He missed his last remaining friend, and he wanted nothing more than to resolve things between them. They would need each other to get through this upcoming war.
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When Remus came through the fireplace, Sirius immediately noticed how haggered the man was. If it was possible, he looked even worse than he had on the night Sirius had been reunited with him in the Shrieking Shack. Still, he gave both him and Harry a soft smile as he arrived in the drawing room. "Hello, Sirius. Hello, Harry," he said quietly.
"Hello, Professor Lupin," Harry replied, smiling as well. "How are you? It's really good to see you again."
"I've been well, Harry," Remus said, and Sirius knew that to be a lie - he did not look well at all. "And you don't need to call me Professor Lupin, as I am no longer your teacher. Please just call me Remus."
Harry looked surprised at that. "Er, thanks, Remus," he said softly.
"How are you, then?" Remus asked. "It looks like Sirius has been taking good care of you."
"He has," said Harry, and Sirius knew he meant every word. He felt his heart flip in his chest as his godson gave him one of his warm smiles.
"That's good." Remus gave his best friend a look that perfectly conveyed his gratitude.
Harry, Sirius, and Remus then spent the next little while talking about Harry's schoolwork. The conversation was light, and Harry relayed to Sirius some of the other things Remus had taught him during his third year.
After a while, Harry stated that he would like to go to his room. Sirius knew exactly what his godson was doing, and he felt his heart ache once again at how compassionate the young man was. He was giving them a chance to talk alone.
Once Harry had disappeared from sight, Sirius placed a silencing charm on the room. He didn't want Harry to hear if the conversation got heated - he didn't want him to hear them arguing about him. The poor kid had been through enough.
"What is it, Sirius?" Remus asked, looking wary. "I knew there was another reason you invited me here. You gave me the impression we were okay, after ... after that night. What's wrong?"
Sirius's anger grew at Remus's bewilderment. He took a deep breath, trying his damnedest to reign in his emotions. His throat constricted, and he whispered, "Why?"
"Why what?" Remus's voice filled with dread as he stared at Sirius.
"I've had a chance to think since Harry and I came here," said Sirius, emotion flooding him as his voice gained momentum. "Why did you never check on him? I know how much Lily and James meant to you. I thought Harry meant something to you too."
Remus's expression was horrified and guilt-stricken, and Sirius realized that Remus hadn't expected him to ask that. Well, he should have known better, Sirius thought fiercely. Now that his mind was clearer than it had been in a long time, it allowed him the opportunity to ponder many things. "I ..." Remus stammered, obviously caught way off his guard. "Sirius, I tried. Right after it ... it happened. Lily and James were gone, you had apparently killed Peter and all those Muggles, and ... Dumbledore told me Harry had gone to live with his relatives. He wouldn't tell me where he was."
"I see." Sirius's face was stony. "And so you just decided to give up?"
Remus put his head in his hands. "I'm so sorry, Sirius," he whispered. "Everything was so messed up, and I wasn't in my right mind. I thought I'd caused enough trouble already. Harry was with family, and Dumbledore said he trusted them. I didn't want to interfere in his life."
Sirius stared at Remus, his heart bursting with the resentment and betrayal he felt. "How could you?" he said hoarsely, his fists clenched. "You MET Petunia and Vernon, Remus! You knew what they were like! And I trusted you." He gazed at his friend with a look of both grief and anger. "I was an absolute idiot, a fool who was impulsive and reckless and didn't think about the consequences. You ... you've always been the rational one. I trusted you to do right by Harry. And don't you dare give me that bullshit about Dumbledore. He isn't God, Remus! He doesn't know what the hell is best for Harry! That's been proven, and you know it!"
Remus was completely shaken. "I'm so sorry," he said in a small voice, strongly reminding Sirius of the time he had apologized for not being forthcoming about his condition. That, Sirius had understood. But he couldn't understand this.
"They treated him horribly, Remus," Sirius said, his voice full of a raw grief. "He hasn't opened up much about it, but from what I've gathered, they didn't treat him like family at all. When I started showing him any kind of affection, he was shocked. He feels like he doesn't deserve it."
"I'm so sorry, Sirius," Remus repeated, truly sounding like he meant it. "I was a coward. For twelve years, I tried to run from my past. It hurt too much to think of all of you. I lived an existence you don't want to really know about. My life was so empty - I had no one." He sighed, the sound so sad and bereft that it caused Sirius's heart to twinge. He was still angry, but he couldn't help the sympathy he felt.
"And then, Dumbledore offered me the Defense Against the Dark Arts position," Remus explained quietly. "I wanted to say no, I really did. But you know Dumbledore. It's very hard to say no to him."
"I learned how to," Sirius argued, his heart cold again. "In your case, I think you made the right decision to say yes. But Dumbledore is fallible, Remus. Just because he allowed you to go to Hogwarts doesn't mean you have to do everything he says. But I'm glad you accepted the Defense position."
"Why are you so angry with Dumbledore anyway? I know he was the one to put Harry with the Dursleys. It's obvious you're angry because of that, but something else seems to be eating at you as well. What is it?" Remus asked, honest curiosity in his tone. "I shudder to think about what he went through at the Ministry. None of us know how he escaped after ten days of being under questioning. I know you've been sequestered here - did you know about that yet?"
"Yeah, I heard." Sirius was curious about that himself. "Harry had the Weasleys over two days ago. He said the children told him. Molly, Arthur, and Bill told me." He looked Remus straight in the eye. "I'm angry with Dumbledore because he's setting Harry up to be a weapon in this war," he said bluntly, his tone like ice. "He wants him to fulfil the prophecy. And when Harry returned after the Third Task, traumatized and full of guilt, guess what the old fool asked me to do? HE ASKED ME TO LEAVE HIM!" he roared, unable to help the sudden influx of rage that swept over him.
Remus looked astonished. "He asked you to leave him?" His voice was almost inaudible, the complete opposite of Sirius's. "I ... I don't understand. Why would he do that?"
"He wanted me to rally the old crowd, which in Dumbledore speak means the old Order members from last time," he said, his voice quieter but no less angry. "And the worst part is, I think Harry would have understood if I'd done that. He's not used to having adults in his life who care about him." He stared down Remus with an accusatory gaze.
Remus understood what Sirius was implying. "I do care about Harry," he whispered. "I do."
"You have a funny way of showing it." Sirius's voice was acidic. "You cared more about what Dumbledore said than you did our best friend's son. When Dumbledore told you not to seek Harry out, he gave you an excuse to run from our past. Look," he said, his voice softening slightly. "I know how horrific Halloween 1981 was for me, and I can only guess what it was like for you. What you must have thought of me ... Remus, I've made mistakes, some which I know I should never be forgiven for. But I knew the instant I said no to Dumbledore, I was seeking redemption. Because ..." He sighed, his gray eyes filling with an infinite sadness. "I chose my own loyalty to Dumbledore over Harry, as well. I, too, used the fact that Hagrid was taking Harry to the Dursleys to throw away what should have been my number one priority and go after Peter. I chose revenge over Harry, and it landed me in Azkaban for twelve years and on the run for two. You accepted Dumbledore's explanation and hid away for twelve years, not once checking on the little boy who was hurting and scared and alone and unloved. We have both made horrible, terrible mistakes." He discreetly wiped a few stray tears away from his face.
He looked over at Remus through his blurry vision, and saw that the other man was openly weeping. "We both made a right mess of things, didn't we?" he choked out. "And this past year, I went right back to doing the same thing again. I didn't contact Harry once this entire year, and this time, I can say it was purely because of guilt. Sirius, we almost killed a man in front of three schoolchildren. It doesn't matter that Peter deserved all of what we were going to do to him. The fact of the matter is, neither of us were thinking, and we both lost our heads in front of three teenagers. That was unacceptable. And I ... because I forgot my potion, I could have killed Harry that night, along with Ron, Hermione, and Severus. My irresponsibility almost made me the thing I most fear."
"But you didn't hurt them," Sirius said gently, not even commenting on the mention of Snape; the discussion was too serious. "And all you can do is work to make sure nothing like that ever happens again. And as for killing Peter ..." His eyes grew haunted. "I know," he said miserably. "Harry and I discussed that night the morning after we escaped to this place. That boy has an amazing capacity for forgiveness. His first impression of me must have been absolutely awful. It says a lot about the Dursleys that he was so excited at the prospect of leaving them to come and live with me. Within less than an hour of knowing that I didn't betray his parents, after how irrational and insane I acted that night ... he still jumped at the chance to go with me."
"Well," said Remus, wiping his eyes and attempting to compose himself. "It very much sounds like you're making it up to him now. The horror stories you used to tell me about this place ... Sirius, you've changed, and certainly for the better. I haven't."
Sirius didn't disagree, but his voice was resolute. "That doesn't mean you can't," he said quietly. "Don't let guilt stop you from doing the right thing. I'm trying not to, and it's paying off. You need to be there for Harry, too. Lily and James would have wanted it."
"I know." Remus sighed. "And I will. It was amazing teaching him last year."
"You did do a lot of good," Sirius said, looking his friend in the eye again. "I wouldn't be here, if not for you. That Patronus ... I was unconscious at the time, but I swear I remember seeing James's stag form. It was like ... like I was dreaming it."
Remus smiled softly, a huge amount of sadness and wistfulness behind it. "Prongs," he whispered. "It indeed was Prongs."
"Moony." Sirius spoke the nickname with reverence, memories of their younger days filling his heart. "I know we already forgave each other in the shack, but ... I know I said some awful, diabolical things to you in those last days of the First War. I suppose I am like my family after all - I gave in to the prejudice they always spouted and thought the worst of you when you'd done nothing to deserve it."
"You know I've already forgiven you, Padfoot." Remus gave Sirius a gentle smile. "The fact is, I was acting secretive and not talking to you much anymore. I gave you good reason to suspect me." He sighed. "You're not going to like this, but Dumbledore had me spying on Fenrir Greyback's pack and reporting back to him. He swore me to secrecy - I wasn't allowed to say anything."
At this, Sirius's bad feelings towards Dumbledore grew even stronger. To think that he had made Remus interact with the werewolf who had made his life hell! To think that he was part of the reason things had gone so terribly wrong, the Marauders' friendship destroying itself from the inside out. "I should have known," he muttered.
"I'm sorry," Remus murmured, his eyes so sad it broke Sirius's heart.
"You don't owe me an apology for that. I should have known better than to ever think you'd go against us," Sirius said softly.
"It's okay, Sirius." Remus smiled at him again. "Can you, in turn, forgive me for not realizing you were innocent, for not doing more to question it?"
"Yes, of course." The awful thing was, Sirius understood perfectly why Remus had thought him capable of such awful deeds. Even though Remus had forgiven him for the Whomping Willow incident, he had never forgotten. And Sirius couldn't blame him at all. "I forgive you, too," he whispered. "But the thing I ask from you now is extremely important to me. Go and see Harry, and talk to him. Stop focusing on the guilt of what you've done wrong. Now, it's supposed to be about what we're doing right."
Remus squared his shoulders, getting up from his chair. "I'll go and see him now," he promised. "You are so much the better man, Sirius."
Sirius gave his last, and so important, friend a warm grin. "And you can be, too," he reassured him, knowing what goodness Remus was capable of. "We can both be ... for each other, for the war, and ... for Harry."