Disclaimer: Don't own a darned thing. And that's awesome.
Author's Note: Thank you all so, so much for the amazing reviews! I also received a lovely message from one of my reviewers about my upcoming wedding. Thank you so much for that, too! I can't believe it's such a short time away now. We are making last-minute preparations for it. I'm hoping that I can get another chapter out for this story before it occurs next Saturday, but please forgive me if I don't. Things are definitely ramping up. If I don't get another chapter out before May 13, I promise I will come back as soon as I can. I really mean that - I love writing this story.
I'm so glad I captured the emotions of the moment that Sirius is finally set free. It will certainly be interesting to write how he continues to heal. I love writing Sirius so much, and his relationship with Harry is one of the best things about writing this story. As for whether Harry tells Sirius about Voldemort sending him that false memory in that dream, this chapter will answer that question.
Now, I would like all of you to know that one of my most faithful reviewers, Yellow 14, has written an amazing spin-off Cho fic. It's her response to chapter 37, when she sees the memory of Cedric being murdered. It makes me feel incredible that this person based a story off of my work! I can't understand why not all authors love that. It's a wonderful feeling, to know that someone was inspired by something I wrote. It's thanks to Rowling not banning fanfiction that I'm allowed to write this story, after all.
Yellow 14's story is called Kill the Spare!, and I think the title is highly appropriate. It's in my favorite stories list now. I urge everyone to check it out and leave a review. Yellow 14 even included a nod to me and my fiance Ryan in the story. I think my heart literally flipped out of my chest when I saw that!
Anyway, this chapter deals with something that I haven't seen explored in fanfic very much before. It seems that the wizarding world doesn't really know what to do about mental health. So many people in the series have suffered through trauma, and it basically isn't really dealt with at all. If anyone knows any stories that actually have the characters really seeking help for their trauma, I'd love to know about them. I'm especially interested in fics that explore Sirius healing from his time in Azkaban.
The last part of this chapter was really cathartic to write as well. When we began to come out of the Covid lockdowns, I had a really, really hard time with reintegration. That's why I couldn't write anything for a very long time. It literally took until about November 2022 for me to start really dealing with anything - I was stuck in a loop for quite some time. It was in December that I had a true breakthrough and really started working on getting back to being my better self. Thankfully, I had an absolutely amazing support network, which includes my parents and my wonderful fiance. They stuck by me and dealt with my constant anxiety and panic attacks. I cannot thank them enough for it.
And then, there's Sturgis. He came about as a fleshed-out character. When I was writing this story before Covid, there was no Sturgis Podmore in the plot at all. But then, someone like him came along in real life and changed everything. For that, I honor him, and I owe him so much. That's why his character, based on a wonderful, real human being, is in this story. He's got absolutely no idea what a true hero he's become to me.
Anyway, here's the next chapter. I hope you enjoy it.
xxxxxxxxxx
It was the middle of the night, and Harry sat in the kitchen at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place with a sandwich and a mug of hot tea in front of him. He appreciated the tea's warmth as he sipped it, his mind going over everything that had happened today.
The trial had been a rollercoaster of emotion. He must have felt every feeling under the sun as the testimonies were given. Harry had always thought that he would be rubbish at public speaking, and when he'd gotten up to the stand, he'd been incredibly nervous. But as his eyes had met Sirius's, the fear had evaporated, to be replaced with a deep, strong resolve. The wizarding world would learn the truth, and they would learn it today.
And they had. As Amelia Bones announced that Sirius had been cleared of all charges, the emotions that Harry experienced were truly indescribable. As Sirius had held him close, the tears had been let loose, and he couldn't bring himself to care. And neither could Sirius - he'd wept, too. "Harry." The boy would never forget how Sirius had said his name almost reverently, like he was a gift from Merlin himself. In all the years he had lived, Harry had never heard anyone say his name like that. This was how it felt to truly be loved by someone - it was something he knew he would never take for granted.
Once the two of them had stumbled out of the courtroom, Sturgis, Tonks, and Kingsley were there to meet them; they'd been waiting outside, making sure that no one walked in on the private moment shared between godfather and godson. They had explained that as well as being Aurors, all three of them were members of the Order of the Phoenix. Harry knew he could trust all of them - even Sturgis, after everything he had done. He'd never forget the look in his eyes as he gazed at Harry and Sirius. There was so much sorrow and guilt in that gaze, and Harry couldn't find it in his heart to hold a grudge against a man who was looking at him like that. And neither, it seemed, could Sirius. He was the kind of man who couldn't help but show it when he disliked someone. Harry could feel the turmoil radiating from him, but there was no hatred there. It was more a jumble of confusion, regret, and respect. In that moment, Harry realized that trusting Sturgis wouldn't be the same thing as betraying his godfather.
"We think it best that you avoid leaving the Ministry through the atrium," Sturgis had told Harry and Sirius. "Doubtless there are still a lot of people there, waiting to speak with you."
"They don't know when to leave well enough alone," Tonks had said, sounding angry. "Bloody fools, every single last one of them." She smiled at Sirius. "Hello, cousin," she said warmly.
"Hello, cousin," Sirius replied. "I'll see you soon, okay?"
"Absolutely," Tonks said, looking very emotional. "Of course."
Kingsley smiled. "We're going to take you to the Auror offices, and you can Floo back to the Burrow from there," he said. "We know that you can get back to your home from there, since it's connected to that network."
Harry had felt extremely relieved. The thought of facing everyone in the atrium ... Merlin, he couldn't do that right now. And Sirius looked like he would collapse at any second - he needed to get home, and to bed. "Thank you," he'd said to all three of them sincerely. "Where are the Weasleys?" he'd asked softly.
"Don't worry. We spoke with them, and they are aware of the plan," Sturgis said reassuringly. "We'll let them know you've Flooed to the Burrow a few minutes after you've done so. They will return after that."
Part of Harry wanted to see his friends, to thank them. He wanted to tell Mr. and Mrs. Weasley how grateful he was that they'd let him stay with them through everything he had faced that week. But a bigger part of him wanted to get home, and to take care of Sirius, who was fading fast. It looked as though he needed to rest, and to do so for a very long time.
So, he said to the Aurors, "Can you please thank the Weasleys and Hermione for me? I ..."
"It's all right," Sturgis said gently. "They'll understand."
So the Aurors had escorted Harry and Sirius to their offices, and the two of them had subsequently Flooed to the Burrow, and then home. To step foot in Grimmauld Place again ... Harry couldn't quite describe the emotion that swept through him upon their return. Everything was the same - the stereo sat in pride of place in the drawing room. The couch where Sirius and Harry had sat for hours was strong and sturdy. There were still things about the house that Harry wasn't used to, and there were still demons that clung to the walls that he knew his godfather was still facing. But for now, they were safe and content, having returned to their sanctuary.
And so, with the knowledge of Sirius's newfound freedom and the ordeal of the trial over, Harry and Sirius collapsed in their customary spot on the couch. They had spent several nights like this, with Sirius curling up as the big black dog and Harry settling beside him. But today, Sirius was too exhausted to transform, so he just lay back as he was, his eyes closing the instant his head touched the pillow. Harry, still feeling completely overwhelmed by the day's events, rested beside him. Sirius smiled at him in understanding, knowing that Harry needed to be there with him. And Harry could tell that Sirius needed him just as much.
They'd both fallen asleep very quickly, Harry only minutes after Sirius. He had awoken several hours ago, and had been busying himself with looking at his textbooks since then. He was still wide awake, and had come in here to make himself a cup of tea and a sandwich. The day had been very taxing, to say the least.
Sirius was still fast asleep, and Harry wasn't about to wake him. It was plain to see that his godfather needed the sleep. It was half past midnight, and Harry sincerely doubted that Sirius had woken up at all since this afternoon. When they'd arrived here, there had been no color in the man's face; he hadn't looked well at all. But Sirius insisted it was due to sheer exhaustion.
Harry had to admit that he was a little worried, but told himself he shouldn't be. With Sirius's ordeal at the Ministry over, everything was catching up to him. But Harry hadn't liked that before he had come into the kitchen, he had studied Sirius's sleeping face and seen that there still wasn't much color in it. He wouldn't be at all surprised if Sirius didn't wake until the morning. After what he had been through in the past six days, all the rest was definitely warranted. But Harry was worried anyway - all he wanted in the world was to see Sirius's smile.
Doubtless he would feel guilty once he finally awoke, and he'd apologize to Harry for not being able to provide him with food or drink. It was almost ridiculous how attentive Sirius was to Harry's every need, as if he were making up for all the times he wasn't there for him. It wasn't like he didn't know that Harry was perfectly capable of doing things for himself. But Harry had discovered that Sirius was the kind of guardian who insisted on doing as much as he could.
Harry chuckled a little when he thought of a memory from a few weeks ago. Sirius had attempted to cook a meal - fish and chips, to be exact. He'd warned Harry that his cooking left ... er ... much to be desired. "Your parents used to take the mickey out of me for producing absolutely bunk meals," he'd laughed. "After a disastrous attempt at making a shepherds' pie, Lily never let me do the cooking again."
"It can't have been that bad," Harry had said with a grin.
"Oh, that's where you're wrong, pup," Sirius had responded, still laughing. "It was terrible. I'm just glad I didn't give them food poisoning."
Needless to say, they hadn't even eaten the fish and chips that Sirius had tried to prepare - he'd burned them. He'd been endlessly apologetic, so much so that Harry had literally banned him from saying the words "I'm sorry" for the rest of the evening. Kreacher had provided them with the meal instead, to his great reluctance. Sirius stayed stonily silent through Kreacher's mutter of, "Of course the filthy blood traitor tried to cook something himself. Oh my poor Mistress, if she only knew what her worthless excuse for a son was up to."
After Kreacher had popped away, Harry had done all he could to cheer Sirius up. As they ate Kreacher's fish and chips, he told him about the times when he'd messed up a spell in one of his subjects. He knew that Sirius was listening, but it was apparent that he was still bothered by the fact that he hadn't been able to cook a decent meal for Harry.
"Sirius," he had eventually said, his heart aching at the expression on his godfather's face. "Do you really think I need perfection from you?"
"I know you don't need it from me," Sirius had said quietly. "But I want to be that for you."
"Why?" Harry had asked, honestly curious. "No one's perfect." He had a flash of sudden realization. "Is it because of ... your past?" he asked softly.
Sirius looked incredibly sad then, and Harry knew he was correct when the man nodded.
"Why don't you ever take your own advice?" Harry had smiled at him, his heart full of intense love and affection. "You tell me not to feel bad about things all the time. So you can't make fish and chips. So what?"
"It's not just fish and chips. I can't cook worth anything."
"So you can't cook worth anything," Harry had amended. "So what? Do you honestly think I care? Because the truth is, I don't."
Sirius had smiled, finally believing him. "Thank you, Harry." The three simple words contained so much meaning.
"Now, stop feeling guilty and eat your fish and chips," Harry said lightly as he continued to dig in.
Sirius's smile widened. "Yes, sir," he joked.
Now, as Harry sat sipping his tea and thinking over everything Sirius had said at the trial, his heart overflowed with warmth. The words his godfather had spoken ran through his mind - he would never forget the way his eyes had blazed when he told the entire courtroom that his love for Harry was worth more than any revenge on Peter Pettigrew. That, more than anything, had touched him beyond belief. The fact that he would pass up a chance to take revenge on the man who had hurt him so badly, all for Harry ... the power of that always took Harry's breath away. Sirius had truly changed from the man he'd first met, and he had become the most important person in Harry's whole world.
Harry finished his food and drink, quietly cleaning up after himself before going back into the drawing room. There was much that he wanted to talk to Sirius about, but that could all wait until the man felt better. The worry pricked at him again - Merlin, he hoped that Sirius was right and this was only due to exhaustion.
Once back in the drawing room, he silently walked over to the couch and studied Sirius's face intently - he was still very deeply asleep. But upon close observation, he felt the warmth of relief flood him. In the short time that Harry had been in the kitchen, Sirius seemed to have improved. His breathing appeared to be calmer than it had been before, and color was beginning to return to his face.
Harry hadn't realized how worried he'd really been until the weight of it lifted off him. Letting out a sigh of relief, he chastised himself for doubting Sirius. Of course he was incredibly exhausted. Even though no harm had come to him while in the Ministry's custody, the ordeal had taken all his energy from him. He still hoped that Sirius wouldn't wake up until the morning light streamed through the windows - the many hours of rest would do him the world of good. When the morning came, it would be the first day of the rest of Sirius's life, the first full day when he wouldn't have to worry about the Ministry being on his tail. He and Harry could step outside these doors and bask in the fresh air.
Smiling softly, Harry settled beside Sirius for the night, beginning to feel tired again himself. He glanced one last time at his peacefully sleeping godfather before lying down and closing his own eyes.
Sirius and Harry were free.
xxx
Sirius slowly awoke, feeling more content and relaxed than he remembered feeling in years. He took a moment to listen to the sounds around him, and as his mind became alert, he realized just how truly well-rested and renewed he felt. It was like his entire spirit had come awake after a long, long hibernation.
He looked beside him, and saw Harry. His heart expanded as he saw the boy beginning to stir. This was not the first time this had happened, that they had both awoken at the same time. He smiled, the sight of Harry bringing back the memories of everything that had happened.
He was free. He was truly free. He no longer had to worry about being captured. His time as a fugitive was over. Everyone knew the truth now. The words "freed of all charges" echoed over and over again in his mind. It was truly real.
And the best part of this was the fact that Harry was beside him, his soft smile making everything Sirius had been through worthwhile. "Hey, Prongslet," he said softly.
"Hey yourself," Harry whispered, unable to hide the pure relief in his voice.
A flicker of worry touched Sirius's mind at the way Harry was looking at him. "What happened?" he asked as he slowly sat up, staring at the clock on the wall. He was shocked at the time displayed on it: 9:30 AM. "Merlin above," he gasped. "It's ... it's morning?" The last thing he remembered was collapsing in here once he and Harry had returned home, and that had been the middle of the afternoon.
"Yeah," Harry said quietly. "It's morning. I ... I'm so glad you're okay. You look so much better." He yawned and sat up, smiling in relief.
Sirius instantly embraced him, his heart flipping in his chest. "Merlin, I'm sorry, Harry," he breathed. "I didn't expect to sleep for ... what was it? About nineteen hours?" He'd never slept so long in his entire life. "I scared you, didn't I?" he asked, looking deep into the emerald eyes that he had missed so much.
"It's okay," Harry whispered. "I should have believed you when you said you were just exhausted."
Sirius held Harry close, relishing the contact. Stroking Harry's hair, he asked gently, "Did you have anything to eat or drink last night?"
"Yeah," Harry replied, holding on just as tightly to Sirius. "I had a cup of tea and a sandwich. I studied some of my textbooks when I woke up, and then went to the kitchen. I made sure I cleaned up in there and everything," he added.
Sirius's heart ached. Harry always reassured him about little things like that, and this, he knew, was a remnant of his time with the Dursleys. "I'm sure you did," he said softly. "Harry, I ..."
"It's okay, Sirius. Please don't feel bad about last night. You looked better when I came back in here. I'm just glad you slept until morning. You know I can take care of myself."
"I know that, Harry." In fact, Sirius knew it too well. Harry had been taking care of himself for longer than he should have had to. "I guess I needed the rest. I'm just sorry I frightened you." He lifted Harry's chin, their eyes meeting as he said something that he hoped the boy would take to heart.
"I know that in the past, you have had many adults lie to you," he said quietly, holding his godson's gaze. "But I promise that I will always be honest with you. If I felt that something was truly wrong with me yesterday, I wouldn't have hidden that from you. I don't want you to ever have to worry needlessly. Last night, you were supposed to be relaxing. You've had far too much to worry about lately." He sighed, running a gentle hand through Harry's soft hair again. "I'm not worth your worry."
"Yes, you are." Harry spoke with conviction. "It works both ways, you know? You're always worrying about me. You took such good care of me this summer. I care just as much about you, Sirius. What you said at the trial was ..." He stopped, seemingly unable to put into words how he felt, but Sirius could see it in his eyes. "If you're allowed to worry about me, then I'm allowed to worry about you. You've been through hell, Sirius. You need someone to take care of you too."
Sirius squeezed him tightly, knowing that he would never again lose sight of his responsibility over Harry. "And you have," he whispered. "More than you know."
Harry smiled, his eyes shining. "You must be hungry. Want some breakfast?"
Sirius nodded, feeling energized. "Very much so. Let's go to the kitchen."
xxx
Harry and Sirius sat at the kitchen table, enjoying a large breakfast of scrambled eggs, sausages, bacon, crispy potatoes, and orange juice. Harry's eyes were alight with laughter as he watched Sirius wolf down his food. "You really were hungry, weren't you?" he chuckled.
"What do you expect? You try sleeping for nineteen hours," Sirius teased.
Harry laughed, all worry for Sirius's health having left him. "Was the food awful at the Ministry?" he asked.
"Actually, no," Sirius replied. "Sturgis was the one who made sure I got enough to eat."
Harry looked relieved. "That's good." He paused, and then added, "You're really not angry with Sturgis, are you?"
"Honestly, no," Sirius admitted. "I was, for a long time. You heard his testimony. What he did was very hurtful," he said, speaking bluntly. "But I know he feels horrible about it. He visited me every single day and told me how you were doing."
Harry nodded. "I know. He told me how you were doing, too. He promised me that no harm would come to you while you were in custody."
"He kept his word about that," said Sirius. "I didn't see a Dementor once the entire time."
"You still trust him, don't you?" Harry asked. "Because I do, too."
Sirius smiled. "Yes, I do," he said. "I don't think we'll ever be as close as we once were. But he's completely devoted to the cause, and wants nothing more than for Voldemort to be brought down. He'll move Heaven and Earth to see it happen." He scowled. "I can't believe Dawlish brought up his son like that. That was incredibly low."
Harry nodded in agreement. "Do you know why he was saying all those things about Sturgis's past? What happened?"
Sirius shook his head. "Honestly, I have no idea. Sturgis used to make veiled references to whatever it was while we were working together. But I never asked about it. Whatever it is, it seems to still haunt him."
"Yeah," Harry said. He suddenly looked lost in thought.
"Harry?" Sirius asked, sensing that there was a lot on the boy's mind. "Are you all right?"
Harry stared at him with darkened eyes. "Can I ... can I talk to you about a few things?" he asked hesitantly.
"Of course," Sirius said, now knowing that something was wrong. "What's happened?"
"Can we go back in the drawing room?" Harry asked, and Sirius knew that it was going to be an intense conversation. The vulnerability Harry was displaying broke his heart.
"Absolutely." Sirius got up from the table, as did Harry - they had both finished their meal, after all, and it was clear that Harry would feel more comfortable talking about whatever was bothering him in their customary positions on the couch.
"Okay, kiddo. Talk to me," Sirius said gently once they had sat down, Sirius placing a gentle arm around him. "I'm listening."
He felt horror fill him up from the inside out as Harry explained how he had dreamed about the false memory of himself murdering Cedric. "I was Voldemort, Sirius," the boy said in a terrified whisper. "I ... I felt all his emotions. He was elated that he was able to send it to me. Sirius," he said desperately, his fearful voice cutting Sirius's heart to ribbons. "It was awful. Seeing myself do that ..."
"Harry, I know you realize this, but I think you need to hear it from me. And I need you to look at me when I tell you this." Reluctantly, Harry's eyes met his, and Sirius loathed the stricken expression he saw in them. "Everyone who truly loves you knows you would never do such a thing. That boy was a figment of those twisted Healers' imagination. That boy does not exist, Harry. And you know that the emotions you experienced were Voldemort's, not your own. I know you know that, but I get the sense that you don't quite believe it."
"He loved it," Harry said, his voice full of pain. "He enjoyed every second of it. It was horrible, Sirius. I don't want to feel what Voldemort's feeling. It's like he was ... inside me. It made me think ..."
"That it was you feeling those things," Sirius finished for him. "Harry, I'm not sure what exactly this connection is between you and Voldemort." He tamped down the sudden burst of rage he felt at just how unfair this entire situation was. Harry was so pure, so loving, so innocent. The fact that he would even think that the evil emotions were coming from himself ... it was completely unbearable.
"I want it to stop," Harry said in a small voice. "I hate it. And Dumbledore ... he'd know what to do. He'd know how to fix it. And he's ... he's not going to be back at Hogwarts, is he?"
Sirius felt awful for Harry. He might not trust Dumbledore to have Harry's best interests at heart anymore, but it was clear that Harry still did. But why shouldn't he? Dumbledore had been one of the very few adults in Harry's life that he had trusted. How could Sirius even begin to convince him that he had been manipulated? His emotions were so jumbled towards the old man. Obviously, what he had been through had been horrific. But that didn't mean that Sirius would ever trust him around Harry again when, or if, he ever did return to Hogwarts.
"I know you don't trust him, Sirius," Harry said. "I know you think he didn't take care of me. But he did the best he could. He didn't know that Quirrell was being possessed, or that Tom Riddle's diary was at Hogwarts. He didn't know that Moody was really Barty Crouch."
Sirius's heart broke at the sheer faith Harry had in his Headmaster. Knowing that he didn't have it in him to argue even though his mind was screaming at him to convince the boy that Dumbledore wasn't at all the man he appeared to be, he said gently, "I understand how you feel about him, Harry. And it's true that he might have been able to give us some more understanding about this link that you and Voldemort share." He sighed deeply, gently rubbing Harry's back in comfort. "But I promise you, we will work it out. There are some amazing people in the Order that can assist us."
"Like who?" Harry asked, sounding desperate.
"Like Alastor Moody," Sirius said. "He knows how dark wizards think. He's always maintained that in order to fight them, he has to know everything about them. Unfortunately, with the family I grew up in, I know a fair bit about how they think as well, but I always avoided delving into really dark magic. It can have a ... very detrimental effect on a person."
"How?" Harry asked. "I thought dark magic only hurt other people."
"It does, mainly," Sirius replied. "But certain spells can be rather addictive. Some people are very curious about dark spells, and even if they don't wish to harm others, they do wonder about them. Magic like that can land people in a whole mound of trouble."
"I've never been curious about it," Harry said truthfully. "I don't want to know what it does."
Sirius squeezed Harry's hand. "I must admit, I was curious about it when I was younger," he admitted quietly. "When I was a boy, it always fascinated me. But I was determined to not do what my family was doing. The older I grew, the more I realized how awful it truly was." He stopped, sighing sadly.
"It's all right," Harry said, smiling at him. "You realized it was wrong. That's the most important thing."
Sirius smiled back at him. "I can always count on you to say the nicest things." He looked closely at the boy, seeing the clear worry on his face. "I promise you," he repeated, his voice a whisper. "We'll work it out. As well as Alastor Moody, we have Bill Weasley. He's a cursebreaker, and knows a lot about different kinds of magical links."
"But mine is unique," said Harry, and Sirius could hear the bitterness in his voice. "Whoever heard of a curse scar acting the way mine does?"
Sirius felt that firm, unyielding resolve he possessed fill him up. "Trust the Order," he said quietly. "I can't guarantee that there will be a solution. But we'll try everything we can to find one."
Harry nodded, his green eyes haunted. "It was horrible, being him," he whispered. "Being Voldemort."
Sirius held Harry's eyes, putting a firm hand on his shoulder. "You are not him, Harry James," he said sternly but lovingly. "I will not hear of it. You are so far removed from him, Harry. This is what he wants - to make you feel powerless. Don't give him that, kiddo."
There was silence as Harry processed what Sirius had said. "I won't," he whispered finally.
Sirius kissed his forehead, right where that damned lightning scar was located. "Good," he whispered.
They sat there in silence, simply holding onto one another. Sirius could tell that Harry still had a lot on his mind, but he would let him talk about it in his own time.
And he did. Harry looked at him with eyes that were suddenly full of fear. In a quiet voice, he explained what had happened to him when he arrived in the Ministry atrium. "I couldn't handle it," he said, and Sirius could hear the underlying anger in his voice, which was directed at no one but himself.
"Harry." Sirius could feel his godson's body begin to shake as he revealed everything to the one person he had learned to trust above all others. "It's all right. It's all right."
"Sirius," Harry said, and the man knew he was about to say something very important. "I can't go back to Hogwarts in ten days. I ... I can't do it."
xxx
It had been bubbling up inside Harry for a while now, but he'd kept pushing it back. There was still time, after all. There was time for him to get used to all the eyes on him. Sirius had helped him through so much of the trauma of the Third Task, but there was something very different about entering the wizarding world again. When he'd been standing in front of everyone in the courtroom, he'd forgotten to be scared; he needed to tell the world about how Sirius had saved him from the darkness he had been drowning in.
But as he had sat in the kitchen last night worrying about Sirius's health, the panic that had come over him while in the atrium kept resurfacing in his mind. "I'm so sorry we ever doubted you!" The unknown woman's shrill voice resonated in his mind, her insincerity all too plain.
And once he arrived at Hogwarts, he would have to deal with all those who had accused him of murder, and all those who wanted him to be off the premises. He would have to face Cedric's friends. He'd have to face Cho. He'd have to deal with the fact that his presence at Hogwarts put every single student and every single staff member in danger. He'd have to constantly look over his shoulder, preparing for an attack.
Sirius had helped Harry with his schoolwork, so it wasn't the prospect of learning more difficult spells that was getting to him. If it was only that, he'd go back in a heartbeat. He'd always found classes interesting, and though the workload became more difficult each year, he was up to the challenge.
But going back to school, leaving Sirius behind ... leaving his refuge ... it was terrifying. Truly terrifying. He'd never been so scared in his entire life, and he was downright furious about it. The helplessness writhed inside him, and it was looking for release.
And now, he had admitted this to Sirius. He had been told over and over again during the summer that it was never a weakness to admit you were afraid. "In fact," Sirius had said, "it shows courage to admit that you're scared. It's a lesson that I still have to learn myself."
"Harry?" Sirius's soft voice pulled him back to the present. He realized just how panicked he was - it was very similar to the panic attack he'd had the day after they had come to this place.
"I can't do it, Sirius. I'm sorry," Harry cried out in a tiny voice. "It's too much. It's just ... too much. I know I have to go back at some point. I know how important my magical education is. I know the wizarding world needs me to ..."
"Stop right there." Sirius's voice was so reassuring that Harry's rant instantly ceased. "It does not matter what the wizarding world wants. It's about what you want, Harry." He gently touched his cheek. "Thank you for telling me this," he said softly. "It means so much that you were willing to trust me. How long have you been dealing with this alone?"
Harry felt his eyes filling with tears, but furiously blinked them back. "I ... I've been worried about it for a while, but I didn't know how hard it would hit me," he admitted. "I wasn't expecting it to affect me so badly when I walked into the Ministry."
"I understand." Sirius's voice was full of compassion and concern. "Yes, your education is important. But what is most important is how you're feeling. If you're not ready to handle Hogwarts again ..." He sighed, his gentle touch soothing Harry's soul. "I'm here to help you, whatever you need. I certainly wouldn't have any problem with tutoring you in everything you need to learn. Plus, there are many members of the Order that are highly intelligent."
"You mean, you'd let me stay here?" Harry asked, trying to slow down his racing heart. "But what will my friends think?"
"Harry, I've said it before. If they're your friends at all, they'll respect your decision," Sirius said quietly. "Tell you what. Think about this a little more over the next few days, and if you're still feeling the same by ... say, Thursday, which is two days from now, then we'll talk to Minerva."
Harry felt his stomach plummet. "Professor McGonagall ... oh yeah. She'll be Headmistress now, right? While Dumbledore's recovering?" he asked. "She's not going to be very happy."
"I think McGonagall is truly starting to understand what the last four years have done to you," Sirius said. "I don't think she did, for a long time. But I'm hopeful that she's coming around."
"Do you really think she'll understand?" Harry asked. "And won't it be all over the Prophet if I don't go back to school? I can just see it now. Harry Potter, Boy Who Lived, too chicken to return to the school he once loved," he said bitterly.
Sirius held Harry close to him, and the boy could feel the rawness of his emotions radiating off him. "The Daily Prophet," he said in a hoarse whisper, "can go screw itself. If they say any such thing, they'll have me to answer to." He gave Harry a look that made his throat constrict. "Let me handle all of that," he whispered. "The most important thing for you to do right now is to look after yourself."
Harry stared back at Sirius, who looked bound and determined to do whatever he must to make sure that Harry had every single one of his needs met. "Thank you," the man said softly.
"For ... for what?" Harry asked, his godfather's hold causing him to slowly calm.
"For trusting me with this," Sirius replied. "It may not seem like it to you, Harry, but you've come a long way. This makes me completely confident that you're going to be okay."
And as Harry relaxed into the arms of a healthy, free Sirius in the refuge they had built for themselves, he couldn't help but believe it, too.