Keep Holding On

by ChoCedric

AU. Albus Dumbledore told Sirius Black to lie low at Lupin's for a while, and then go and rally the old crowd. But Sirius, feeling more resolute than he ever had in his life, looked the Headmaster straight in the eye and said, "No. I'm staying with Harry. I'm not leaving him alone." A story of hardship and tragedy, but also of unconditional love.

51. Chapter 51

Disclaimer: Nope. It will always be nope.

Author's Note: Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Yes, Sirius is fiercely protective of Harry, and I love showing that. Minerva, too, isn't always the strict, no-nonsense woman she portrays herself as.

Thank you for the correction about reigned and reined. I fixed it in the chapter, so now it's right.

And that's okay, Yellow 14. I will never rush you about the spin-off fics. I honestly think it's amazing that anyone's doing them at all.

By the way, the whole concept of Voldemort putting a taboo on his own name, like he did in Deathly Hallows, is nonexistent in this story. You'll understand what I mean when you read through this chapter.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

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Harry had only been in the staffroom at Hogwarts once before. As a student, he was strictly forbidden to enter this room. He recalled the grins on Fred and George's faces several years previously as they had told him that they had once snuck in there. It had been before they had given Harry the Marauder's Map, telling him that his need was now greater than theirs.

They'd told an elaborate tale of how they had nicked several chocolate biscuits from a tray in there, and how George had been the one to turn on the kettle and make them a cup of tea. Fred had been looking at the map the entire time George had been making the tea in order to make sure that they weren't caught. Laughing, they had explained that it had been a close one - just as the tea was ready, Fred had seen Snape and McGonagall walking towards the room. Hurriedly, the twins had banished any evidence of their mischief-making. "What incredibly bad timing," George had said in a miserable tone, making Fred laugh. "We didn't even get the chance to drink the tea I made. Damn McGonagall and Snape."

"Yeah, curse those teachers for going to a room meant for their use," Ron had said, laughing at his brothers.

Now, Harry himself was in the staffroom, but it certainly wasn't on a dare or for a joke. This was serious business, just like the last time he'd been in here, when he was eavesdropping on the teachers while they were trying to get Lockhart to do something about Ginny being taken to the Chamber of Secrets. As Harry stared around at the faces of the members of the Order of the Phoenix, he could feel the somberness in the atmosphere. But Sirius's presence in the chair beside him was infinitely reassuring, and Harry felt comforted by the knowledge that he was there with him.

Professor McGonagall sat at the head of the table, and she was surrounded by many familiar faces, and some, not so much. Molly and Arthur Weasley were there, along with Bill. Sturgis smiled at him, his eyes soft and concerned. Kingsley and Tonks were also there - Harry would never forget how they, along with Sturgis, had stuck up for him when he was mobbed in the Ministry's atrium. The real Mad-Eye Moody was there, looking just as intimidating as Harry remembered - but that hadn't been the real Moody. With effort, Harry pushed those memories back as he looked at him.

Remus Lupin was also there, and he smiled at Harry kindly. There was another face which he recognized, but he did not remember the man's name. If he wasn't mistaken, the man had bowed to him once when he was a boy and knew nothing of the wizarding world. Harry had seen him again when he'd first gone to Diagon Alley with Hagrid.

A few other faces were there which were unfamiliar to Harry. They smiled at him, however, attempting to put him at ease. There was one face there, however, that was not at all pleased to see him, and honestly, the feeling was entirely mutual. Severus Snape scowled at him from where he sat, and skewered Sirius with a vicious glare. The expression on his godfather's face was equally fierce as he stared back at Snape, and in both of their gazes lay that nasty history that Harry was aware of. He could only hope that they'd be able to get through the Order meeting without any animosity.

"Good evening," McGonagall said, her voice brisk and serious. "Welcome to our Order meeting. As you can see, I have invited two important people to be with us today. First, I would like to welcome Sirius Black back to our number."

Sirius smiled at the nods of acceptance and welcoming looks he received. "Thank you," he said warmly. "It's good to be back."

"Indeed." McGonagall then turned to Harry. "I know some of you are wondering why Harry Potter is here," she said, her eyes falling on Snape. "He has agreed to be part of our meeting today in order for us to discuss his education. As you are all aware, Friday's Daily Prophet article explained the current situation with the school governors and the petition brought forth by Jeffrey Bushman."

Indeed, the day after Harry and Sirius had spoken to McGonagall, a long, detailed article had appeared in the Daily Prophet, explaining Jeff's reasoning for his petition, and the very real danger Harry posed to all the students and staff of Hogwarts. Remus had come over that morning and warned Harry and Sirius about the article, since they still weren't receiving the Prophet. Remus thought it important that Harry knew that the story had been written about. As much as Harry hated it, he very much appreciated Remus's honesty about the matter.

The one thing he was glad about was that the article hadn't been written by Rita Skeeter. In fact, that awful reporter hadn't written anything for quite a while - not since before the Third Task. Harry was rather surprised by it, since he thought she'd take every opportunity to write nasty things about him, especially during the time he was wanted for Cedric's murder. He honestly wondered if anything had happened to her, but quickly put it out of his mind. The fact that she hadn't contributed to his difficulties made his life a whole lot easier.

"I'm really sorry this is happening, Harry," Tonks said sincerely. "You do know that none of this is your fault, right?"

Harry nodded silently, knowing that logically, this was true. There were still times, however, when his heart had other ideas.

"First," McGonagall said, "I know that there are some unfamiliar faces here. Therefore, I will have everyone introduce themselves to you, even those who you know. I would like for you to be comfortable with all of us in the Order."

Harry looked around at everyone, and his spirits were buoyed by the warm, welcoming expressions on most of the faces. Some looked unsure about his presence, but they weren't about to turn him away. Only Snape looked completely disgusted by his appearance, but he said nothing. Harry tried his best not to pay attention, hoping that Sirius would do the same.

Harry paid close attention to all the introductions, especially those of the people he didn't know. Emmeline Vance. Hestia Jones. Mundungus Fletcher. He thought briefly of how interesting it was that many witches and wizards had such unique names. The children in his old Muggle primary school seemed to have normal, common names. It was one of those things that had struck Harry upon his re-entry into the wizarding world.

After all introductions had been made, including by Snape who literally snarled out his name while glowering at both Harry and Sirius, McGonagall said, "Now, on to business. Mr. Potter has given me his permission to tell all of you his feelings about what is currently happening. Would you like me to tell them, or would you like to do it yourself?" she asked, looking at Harry with obvious compassion.

Honestly, Harry wasn't used to receiving looks like this from McGonagall. She had never been cruel to him, but she'd never been explicitly kind either. But Harry had always enjoyed her class despite her strictness and her penchant for cutting remarks.

Harry mustered up all his bravery. Why should he ask McGonagall to tell them when he was perfectly capable of doing it himself? Sirius had told him he didn't have to, and was willing to accept whatever his choice was. If Harry was sure of anything, it was that Sirius loved him - he'd proven that every single day, and Harry didn't possess a shadow of doubt that it was true. It was this love that spurred Harry onward, and gave him the strength to do what must be done. After all, he had faced down Voldemort and the Death Eaters, faced his own mortality. He'd faced the horror of knowing that an innocent boy had fallen simply because he was standing beside him. He'd never forget the feeling of grasping Cedric's cold, limp arm as that cursed Portkey whizzed them back to Hogwarts. If he'd been able to face that down ... well ... he could face this. Even Snape's sneering visage wouldn't stop him. Since when had Harry cared what the vicious, spiteful man thought of him anyway?

"I'll do it, Professor," Harry said softly, and the look of pride that stole across the woman's face was unmistakable. He took a deep breath, and plunged on. "I'm aware that the governors don't want me back at Hogwarts," he said. "And for good reason." He looked at Sirius, giving him a small smile. "Sirius has been working hard to convince me that Cedric's death wasn't my fault. And I know I shouldn't blame myself. But a big part of me will always carry guilt for it, because Voldemort wanted me. Cedric had nothing to do with it - he just happened to be standing beside me at the time."

Harry ignored the flinches of some of the Order members when he said Voldemort's name, but couldn't help the burst of annoyance that ripped through him. How could they fight him when they couldn't even hear his name? Harry had never understood that superstition from his first day at Hogwarts. He recalled Ron's reaction to his saying the name, and the way he had pleaded with him later on in the year to stop saying it. But Harry wasn't going to do so. It was just another way for Voldemort to win - he wanted people to be afraid, wanted people to flinch at hearing his name. Why should Harry listen to him? Why should any of the Order members? He wasn't going to cower. He wasn't going to bow down and accept what Voldemort wanted.

"I understand why the governors don't want me there, and I understand Jeff's petition. Cedric was his dear friend," Harry said softly. "He's angry and hurting and he blames me. I don't blame him."

"That is a very mature attitude, Mr. Potter," Emmeline said with respect in her tone. "I am very sorry, though, that it has to be this way."

Harry looked at Emmeline with sadness shining out from his green eyes. "Me, too. But it's the truth." He sighed, his gaze sweeping around the room. "And ... it kind of works out for the best. When I arrived at the Ministry for Sirius's trial on Monday, I panicked when I walked into the atrium. There were just ... too many people, and they were all staring at me. I wasn't used to it. I don't want it to be like that here at Hogwarts." He sighed again, his heart aching. "So it makes sense if I don't go back right now. I'm just concerned about how I'm going to learn everything I'm supposed to."

"You panicked." Apparently, Snape could not be counted on to control himself. "You could not face the public. Of course, you are being coddled and told that it's perfectly acceptable to behave in such a fashion." He stared at Sirius with an expression of purest loathing. "This is not a surprise, with you as his guardian, Black," he drawled.

Harry could see that Sirius was using every bit of restraint not to leap out of his chair. However, he matched Sirius's glare of loathing. "If you know what's good for you, Snape," he said in a low growl, "you'll keep your mouth shut for the rest of the meeting."

"That is quite enough." McGonagall was not at all amused. "Sirius, do not rise to the bait. Severus, it is your conduct that is truly unacceptable. If you are going to continue disparaging Mr. Potter, you will leave this meeting. Do you understand me?"

None of the other Order members looked like they agreed with Snape in the slightest. The Potions Master, recognizing a losing battle when he saw one, nodded slightly, but his sneer was still fixed in place. Under his gaze, Harry felt incredibly small and weak. But as he looked at Sirius, he felt his strength being bolstered. And again, why should he care what Snape thought? The man was completely unreasonable when it came to all things Potter.

"A number of us can tutor you." The strong voice belonged to Sturgis, and Harry's gaze fell upon him. He looked purposeful, like he knew exactly what he was going to do. There was a part of Harry that still wasn't sure how he felt about him after the revelations of Sirius's trial. But every instinct in him was saying that the man was to be trusted. And if Sirius wasn't holding a grudge, then why should he? It was obvious that Sturgis was willing to do whatever it took to make up for how he had treated Sirius in the past.

"Indeed. I was about to say the same thing myself," Moody agreed. "Your education is highly important, laddie. I do not doubt that you will continue your recovery, and that some arrangements can be worked out with the school governors."

"What can be done?" Remus asked. "If they won't budge ..."

"Maybe some new security measures can be arranged," Dedalus Diggle proposed. "You should be allowed to come here again when you feel ready."

"I'll do everything I can to help," Sirius said, meaning every word. "And as far as tutoring goes, I've been helping him with some subjects."

"That's good," Sturgis said. "And I take it you'd be willing to continue to assist him with his assignments?"

"Of course." Sirius nodded without hesitation. "I'm pretty rubbish at teaching, though," he added self-deprecatingly.

"No, you're not," Harry disagreed, thinking of all the times when Sirius had helped him gain confidence in his abilities, especially in Transfiguration when he'd always thought he'd been rubbish.

"I do think you need some more teachers, Mr. Potter," Hestia said, and Harry was grateful that she had addressed him directly. "And I know that there are some Order members here who would be comfortable with tutoring."

Sturgis smiled. "I will do it," he said at once. "I've heard much about your prowess in Defense Against the Dark Arts. I could tutor you in that subject, along with History of Magic."

"Are you sure?" Harry asked. "I'd hate to take up your time like that. Don't you have to go into the Ministry every day as an Auror?"

Sturgis was still smiling. "No, not every day," he said. "Sometimes, I go in to complete paperwork, and discuss assignments I have to be on. But other days, I'm on call in case something might happen."

Harry still felt unsure. There was a war coming. He obviously didn't know when Voldemort and the Death Eaters would begin their attacks in earnest - hopefully, the capture of Malfoy and the other Death Eaters that he had mentioned by name during his resurrection had interrupted his plans. But Harry knew that this would not stop him for long, and the Aurors, plus the Order of the Phoenix, would be counted upon to fight. The prospect scared him more than anything.

Sturgis seemed to know exactly what Harry was thinking. "Do not worry," he said gently. "Yes, the war will be coming, and there will be things we need to do. But whenever I'm available, I will tutor you. I personally think it will be very rewarding."

"I'll do Transfiguration, Herbology, and Charms," Emmeline said. She smiled at McGonagall. "Those were my best subjects."

"And I promise not to be as boring as Binns," Sturgis said. "And from what I hear, not all of your Defense teachers were good at, you know, teaching." He spoke with humor in his voice.

Harry smiled in spite of himself. "You can say that again," he chuckled.

"And I can tutor you in Astronomy and Care of Magical Creatures," Remus said. "You probably thought I would tutor you in Defense, but Sturgis and I discussed it, and he agreed to take you for that subject."

"I would be bunk at tutoring either Astronomy or Care of Magical Creatures," Sturgis said sheepishly. "I was no good in those subjects." For a split second, there was an expression on his face that Harry could not decipher. "There were many subjects I wasn't good at," he said quietly. "But I somehow understood both Defense and History of Magic. In times like these, we need knowledge of past events to fight the current darkness. It is the knowledge that we have gotten through similar times that will help us now."

Harry looked at Sturgis's earnest expression and could see the conviction in his eyes. He realized where the man was coming from, and interjected, "I was always bad at History of Magic." He looked around at the room, and admitted embarrassedly, "I can't listen to Binns without falling asleep."

He thought McGonagall might be angry at this admission, but instead, a brief look of humor flickered across her face. "You, and many others," she said sardonically. "Something will have to be done about that. Sturgis is right - history has always been vital, but it is now more than ever that its importance stands out."

"What about Potions?" Harry dared to ask. "Who will tutor me in that?"

"If you expect me to drop everything just to pander to you, Potter, you have another thing coming," Snape sneered at him. "I will not be coming to your ... humble abode ... so I can waste my time on you."

"I don't think the lad would want you to tutor him, anyway," Mad-Eye Moody snarled, his magical eye staring intimidatingly at Snape. "I have agreed to tutor you for Potions," he said to Harry. "I was rather looking forward to teaching you last year. Pity it never happened," he muttered.

Harry shuddered at the thought of this man spending an entire year locked in his own magical trunk. "I'm sorry about what happened to you," he murmured.

Moody let out a harsh bark of laughter. "No matter. You don't owe me an apology, Potter. In any case, teaching Potions should be an interesting experience."

Harry looked at all those who were willing to teach him. "Did you decide on this before tonight?" he asked.

"Yes," Sturgis replied. "After the decision from the school governors came down, we talked amongst ourselves. We needed a plan of action so that we could make sure that you were still able to receive your education." He gazed at Harry with respect in his eyes. "As Emmeline said, it shows much maturity on your part to make the decision you did," he said meaningfully. "Many of us are very proud of you."

Harry flushed. "Thanks," he mumbled.

"It's true," Sirius said, squeezing his shoulder from next to him. "Never doubt that."

Harry smiled. "When do I start, then?" he asked.

"September 1 falls on a Friday this year, so Hogwarts students will not be starting classes until the 4th," Emmeline said. "Therefore, that is when you will start your classes as well. We will be communicating with you over the next week so we can draw up a schedule."

"You are all welcome in our home," Sirius said. "I will make sure that all of your residences are connected to the Floo network. That will make things easier for all of us."

Moody smiled. "Just make sure you're careful about who you let into your house. Got to keep yourself and the lad safe," he said.

"He's always careful about that," Harry reassured the grizzled Order member. After a few moments' thought, he said, "I noticed none of you mentioned anything about Divination."

There was no mistaking the scowl on McGonagall's face. Harry knew her opinions on the veracity of that subject - she thought it was a waste of time. Staring around at the other faces in the room, it was plain to see that many of the Order members felt the same way.

"There are ... certain aspects of that subject that are useful," Bill Weasley said at last. "But I honestly don't think many of us are equipped to actually tutor you in it. I'm surprised you're asking about it." He smiled at Harry. "I volunteer," he said. "I can attempt to dredge up my past knowledge of it, and go over whatever is in the book."

Harry, despite feeling nervous and unsure about his current situation, couldn't resist a joke. "As long as you don't predict my death every other day."

Harry didn't like the sad frowns that permeated many expressions at that, including one from Sirius. He hated that they were afraid for him. "Harry, please don't joke about that," Molly pleaded.

Harry looked at them all seriously. "You know that there's a war coming," he said, and the entire room seemed to hold its breath. "And I know I'm in danger. That's why the governors don't want me at Hogwarts - they know I'm Voldemort's prime target." Upon seeing some of the members flinch again, his voice grew louder. "It's just a name," he said, trying to be respectful and not sound annoyed. It was a privilege for him to be let into this meeting, and he wasn't going to ruin it by being angry or rude. "He wants us to be afraid of it. But we have to show him that we aren't. People always look at me funny whenever I speak it, like they're saying, why is Harry Potter, of all people, saying his name? Well, when I first came to the wizarding world, I didn't know not to, you know? But when I was told I shouldn't, I didn't listen. He's not going to show up just because I said his name."

Sturgis grinned at him. "I've been telling people that for years, Mr. Potter." His expression sobered. "As has Professor Dumbledore."

"You're right," Emmeline said, the respect in her eyes deepening. "You're absolutely right. I admit to flinching every time I hear the name, and I know I shouldn't. Some superstitions are very hard to break, though." She sighed. "Voldemort." She said the name quickly, as if thinking that it might be easier the faster she said it.

Harry smiled, appreciating the effort. "Yeah," he said. "Voldemort."

"Foolish bravado," Snape spat. "You have no idea of the power the Dark Lord wields."

Harry nodded. "I know I don't know everything, but it's not bravado," he said defiantly. "I'm only saying what's true."

"Exactly." Sturgis nodded. "Don't give him more power than he deserves."

After a few seconds of thought, Harry continued. "As I was saying, there's a war coming," he said quietly. "And I know many of you are going to object when I say I want to fight. You'll say that I'm too young, that I should be focusing on school rather than on the war. Some of you have agreed to tutor me, so yeah, I'll definitely have school to think about." He looked fiercely out at everyone. "But Voldemort's not going to stop coming for me and everyone I care about," he whispered. "I know that there will be many battles to come. And I know I want to be a part of it. I want to train to fight in the war, so I can save lives. I want to be prepared the next time Voldemort attacks. I don't want there to be another Cedric." He flashed back to the seventeen-year-old champion's lifeless body, to the terrified expression frozen upon his empty face, of the glazed-over, wide-open, lifeless gray eyes that stared blankly into nothingness. "Cedric died beside me, and I couldn't do anything to protect him," he said softly. "I don't want that to happen again."

"Mr. Potter." Moody spoke in a tone that was surprisingly gentle. "I was an Auror for decades. I was a fighter in the First War against Voldemort. I was trained to fight those battles, and even I wasn't able to save everyone." He gazed at Harry with both his normal and magical eyes. "People died beside me even though I was equipped to help them. Granted, there were plenty of times when I was able to defend them and get them out of harm's way. But I need you to understand that even if you train to fight, there is no guarantee that you will be able to save everyone."

Sirius laid a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Moody is right, kiddo." His eyes were suddenly dark with memories. "War is horrible," he said with conviction. "When we fought last time ..." He stopped, taking a deep breath. "We lost a lot," he said quietly. "There are many who were part of our number last time, who are not here now. And your parents were only two of them."

Harry sighed, understanding that this was all true. "I know," he said, and even with all the life-threatening experiences he'd had, he knew he didn't truly understand what fighting in the war had been like. "And maybe I'm ignorant of all that fighting will mean. But I want to be ready. I don't want to be a sitting duck, waiting for the next time Voldemort attacks."

"There will be no next time, if I have anything to say about it," Sirius said fiercely, and Harry could see the fear in his eyes.

"Don't fool yourself, Black. There will be a next time," Snape snarled.

"What, because you'll make sure of it?" Moody growled at him while Sirius glared with hatred at his old school enemy. "You'll plan for it?"

"Alastor!" McGonagall said sharply. "You will cease making such unfounded accusations at once!" She glared at him, and at Snape. "Mr. Potter is showing more grace and maturity than some in this room," she said stonily.

Molly was dabbing at her eyes, and Arthur took her hand. "Harry, you're just a boy. Just a child," she sniffled. "This isn't fair."

Harry looked at her with eyes that spoke of things no child should have had to experience. "No, it's not fair. And I don't feel like a child, Mrs. Weasley," he said quietly. "I know you don't want anything to happen to me. Look, I don't want to die either. But I also don't want anything to happen to you." He felt his emotions crumbling as he gazed at so many faces of people he cared about. Sirius. Remus. McGonagall. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Bill. Moody. Even the people he didn't know well, like Tonks, Sturgis, and Kingsley ... they all meant something to him now. As much as he didn't like Snape, he knew what the man was planning to do. He couldn't say he trusted him, but it was clear that McGonagall wouldn't have let him into the Order if she didn't. Harry had no reason to trust Snape, and desperately wanted to know the reason why McGonagall did, but he wasn't about to ask. If Snape was really on their side, he certainly didn't want anything to happen to him, either.

"Listen, Mr. Potter." Sturgis spoke quietly. "I understand what you are saying, and honestly, it goes against each and every one of my instincts to teach a child how to fight in a war. I have a son myself, as you know," he said, his eyes shining with the same fierce light as Sirius's did whenever he looked at him. "Parents want to protect their children. Parents are terrified of their children being in harm's way." He maintained steady eye contact with Harry. "But I know that Voldemort will keep coming after you. And you need the tools to be able to survive. Therefore, as well as tutoring you in Defense Against the Dark Arts and History of Magic, I will be training you."

"As will I," Emmeline said.

"And I," Moody said. "Emmeline, sturgis, and I will split it between the three of us."

Harry's eyes widened. "You'll actually do it?" he asked, his gaze swiveling to Sirius to gauge his reaction.

"I don't like it, Harry. I don't like it at all - but Sturgis is right. You need the tools to be able to survive," he said, and it was clear that the words were costing him everything.

"There is something important we need you to understand," Dedalus said, looking compassionately at the young man. "It's obvious that you will always carry guilt about what happened to Cedric. But you didn't fail him. You were fourteen years old, Mr. Potter, and you were placed in a horrifying situation. You could not be expected to know what to do. You handled it with more bravery and strength than many adult witches and wizards would have done." He looked at the boy with complete sincerity. "I fought in the Order last time. I know what being in a combat situation is like. And let me tell you, if I'd been in that graveyard watching ... Voldemort's return, I know I wouldn't have come through it half as well as you did."

Harry was shocked at Dedalus's openness, and by such an admission. "Really?" he asked.

"Really." Dedalus nodded. "And I need you to understand that every life you can't save is not a mark of your failure. Many of us have fought. Many of us have watched others die. We've all wrestled with survivor's guilt. And many of us cannot ourselves heed the advice that I am giving you. Including me."

Harry nodded, understanding more than he wished he did. "I get it," he whispered.

McGonagall gave Harry a small smile. "I know you will do well," she said seriously. "I have the utmost faith that you will be ready to take your OWL's by the end of the year."

"What if I'm still not back here by then?" Harry asked. He wanted to be ready to return much sooner than next spring, but wasn't sure if anything would be resolved with the governors by then.

"Don't worry about that. You'll be back at school by then," Sirius said fiercely, resolve burning in his eyes. "Make no mistake that we will have things settled with the governors sooner than you think."

"We will." Sturgis nodded. "And I have no doubt you'll be feeling better by then as well."

"I plan on it," Harry replied. "Thank you so much," he told the room at large, gratitude swelling up inside him. "Thanks for letting me come here today."

"We are here for you, Mr. Potter," Emmeline said. "I'm glad we've been properly introduced."

"I am so very proud of you, Harry." The love in Sirius's eyes was palpable. "Never forget that."

"Thanks." The boy smiled softly at his godfather, and then turned to McGonagall. "Thank you, Professor."

"You are most welcome, Mr. Potter." McGonagall's eyes softened. "The Order is here for you, whatever you need."

And as Harry once again looked at the many faces around him, he felt comforted and reassured. Despite what was to come, he knew that there were many people in this room that were on his side. And it helped him more than he could ever say.