Disclaimer: Nope.
Author's Note: Thank you so, so much for the amazing reviews! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter with Dixon, Finkle, and Dumbledore.
I love all your thoughts on Dumbledore. Yes, it will certainly be interesting when he heads back to Hogwarts. I hope you all enjoy what I do with that plotline.
That's really cool that you had a blind person in your ju-jitsu class. I did think that blind people would still be able to perform martial arts. Why shouldn't they be involved as well? That's awesome.
Okay, here's a chapter I've been wanting to write for a long, long time. I'd honestly been wondering whether to make this a whole scene, since it's a flashback chapter and doesn't really advance the plot, but I realized that this has nothing to do with whether I WANTED to write it or not. I NEEDED to write this chapter. I feel that backstory can be very important to a person's character. These events were alluded to in chapter 77, and now, here they are.
We get to see another session with Sirius and Dixon. Why did he panic so much when he received that owl from Sturgis? What made him so sure that Sturgis wasn't well and that he was getting everything mixed up, and that things were too much for him?
Everyone has a past shaped by certain events that make them react in certain ways. Such as, for Sirius Black, the events of October 1979.
xxxxxxxxxx
It was Monday morning again. Sirius sighed as he prepared for his next session with Healer Dixon. The man had told him to practice breathing exercises before each session, and so Sirius was doing as he said. After all, everything hinged on his ability to take care of Harry, and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for him.
The events on Friday still made him feel jittery. He had never been more relieved to see Sturgis, looking well-rested and ready to resume his duties. His first lesson in Muggle duelling had been fantastic, and it took him back to the good times when Sturgis had mentored him as an Auror-in-training.
Sirius had always carried himself with confidence, and there was no point in denying that he had possessed a great amount of arrogance. At Hogwarts, there had always been a spring in his step, and the fact that he was admired by so many had, unfortunately, gone to his head. He and James ruled the school, Peter looked at them like they were gods, and Remus was too awed at the fact that he had friends to stop them from their bullying behavior.
But then, Sirius had graduated Hogwarts. He had been thrust into a world where the war against Voldemort was getting worse by the day. Worse still, his family was on the other side of the conflict. And all he wanted to do was help to destroy the scourge that was infesting the wizarding world. It all became so much more than putting up his middle finger at his so-called "family" and screaming himself hoarse at them. It became so much more than hexing Slytherins in the hallways and pulling pranks on them. He was eighteen years old, and it all became much, much too real.
He had applied for the Auror program, and for the first time in his life, he was worried that he wouldn't be accepted. He was a Black. Why would the Aurors want him? He knew he'd have to prove himself to be worthy of them. As much as he despised it, he was worried that his family name would hold him back. This made him livid, but it made him even more determined to prove himself.
And, despite everything, he had been accepted. He'd taken all the aptitude tests, and he'd even had to have a psychological evaluation. This worried him most of all - even back then, he knew deep down that he was way too reckless, that he was absolutely horrible at controlling his impulses. What he'd almost done to Snape through Remus, in a moment of complete and utter stupidity where he'd let his hatred get the better of him ... it was a good thing that the only people who knew about that incident were not relaying it to the Aurors. That, right there, would have disqualified him on the spot, and he knew it. He could only be exceedingly grateful that no one was ratting him out.
He was honestly shocked when he'd managed to succeed, but still, to this day, he was never sure whether it was because he had actually been impressive on his own, or whether the Aurors were just desperate for recruits due to the war. He had an awful feeling that it was the latter, considering that the Auror training had been truncated to two years rather than three before they got out in the field. Still, his acceptance only increased his determination to do well. And, even better, he had his best mate, James, beside him. James could be just as arrogant and reckless as him, but unlike Sirius, his last two years at Hogwarts had matured him, and his relationship with Lily had changed him for the better as well. They'd married straight out of Hogwarts, and Sirius had never been happier for his best friend.
And then, he'd been assigned to Sturgis. The man had taken Sirius under his wing, and pretty quickly, Sirius took a liking to him. Sturgis had a raw intensity about him that made Sirius think uncannily of himself. There was something about him that was rough around the edges, just like Sirius. There was an extraordinary amount of passion in him, just like Sirius.
Sirius felt that he would not have flourished under any other mentor like he had with Sturgis. The other man made him feel comfortable in a way he had never foreseen. As well as working him hard, Sturgis made him laugh. He was so intelligent that it awed him. He could be rather arrogant, but instead of annoying Sirius, it became rather endearing. Sturgis was good at his job, and he knew it. And he flaunted it. But Sirius didn't care.
And Sturgis gave Sirius more of his time than was necessary. They'd have mentoring sessions which were only meant to be a couple of hours, but sometimes, time didn't even register. Sirius would blink, and it would suddenly be three hours later. Sturgis would apologize for keeping him so long, and Sirius wished he'd stop, because he sure as hell wasn't sorry he'd stayed.
Ever since what had happened on Friday, many memories of their mentorship had come back to him. For so long, they'd been buried due to the effects of the Dementors, who hadn't ever let him remember anything positive. The only two memories they had let him remember of Sturgis were October 1979 and Halloween 1981.
Being reminded of October 1979 on Friday had made Sirius feel very unsettled. He had assumed, had jumped to conclusions, had been so quick to believe the worst. Sirius had, so often, been a pessimist while Sturgis had been completely the opposite. Even in those days, he hadn't believed that the world was falling apart. But as the war ground on and more and more people were hurt and killed, Sturgis had seen the diminishing hope in his fellow Aurors and Order members, and he hadn't known what to do to bring it back.
Now, though? Now, Sturgis had seemed to become even more of a steady presence. Sirius still wondered what had happened in his life in the intervening years. His eyes suggested he'd been through a lot, yet he seemed even more prepared to face what was ahead. And his willingness to help the Order members today was the same willingness he'd displayed when he'd helped Sirius all those years ago.
Sirius took another deep breath, because he had a feeling he knew what he'd see today. The memory had remained on the edge of his consciousness since Friday, just waiting to be explored again. As much as he didn't want to relive it, maybe it would, somehow, help with his recovery. Healer Dixon always had a way of helping him see things in a different way.
His mind replayed the events of yesterday, when he and Harry had gone into Diagon Alley again. His kiddo was determined to be ready to head back to Hogwarts, even though it was still three months away. October had begun, and January seemed like a long way off. But really, three months wasn't that long at all.
It had been particularly eerie to walk by Eeylops Owl Emporium and see the "closed" sign on the door. "I feel awful for the owls in there," Harry had said softly as they walked by. "I hope they're being taken care of."
Sirius felt his heart warm over at Harry's compassion. "There will be workers who are still maintaining the store, Harry. I'm pretty positive of that," Sirius had replied.
It made sense that the store had been closed until further notice. After all, who would want to buy an owl right now?
Over the past few days, the best witches and wizards had put their heads together and come up with several solutions for the owl dilemma. On Saturday, Harry had received a letter from Ron and Hermione, delivered to him by a Hogwarts house-elf. Apparently, they were using the elves to deliver letters to wizarding families, while Ministry workers, whether they be Aurors, Unspeakables, or other careers were tasked with delivering letters to families of Muggle-borns as a side job. Other volunteers were also being asked to perform this task; any of-age magical person could do it. All Hogwarts students would take their messages to McGonagall, who would make sure they were delivered as quickly as possible. For the rest of the wizarding public, there were several places where letters could be dropped off so that the volunteers could deliver them to their destinations. Many other wizarding families who owned house-elves were volunteering them for this job as well.
It was a very different way to be doing things, and there was no doubt that the entire affair was messy. But right now, it was the best solution to be thought up on such short notice. Sirius wondered how long it would take to figure out exactly how Kettleburn had achieved his goal of disrupting communication.
The fireplace roared to life, and Sirius came to full alertness as Dixon stepped out. For once, the other man looked exhausted as he greeted Sirius, though he did his best to maintain his normal demeanor of cheerfulness.
"Are you all right?" Sirius asked, flashing back to Sturgis and being reminded again that Dixon, too, was human. The man was a Mind Healer - what must he have seen in his line of work?
"I'm fine, Sirius. You don't need to worry about me." Dixon smiled at him. "Are you ready for another session?" he asked as he sat down across from him.
Sirius braced himself. Honestly, he wasn't sure if he was ready or not, because he knew that as soon as Dixon said, "Legilimens!" that he would be plunged full-force into the memory that he was trying to avoid reliving.
But, once again, as it always did at moments like this, Harry's face swam to the forefront of his mind. Sirius was so proud of him - he'd handled himself so well in Diagon Alley yesterday. His Auror guard managed to keep away suspicious activity. Unfortunately, there had been some rather ... unsavory people that they'd been watching. Nothing untoward had happened, but Sirius had received word after he and Harry had returned to Grimmauld Place that they had intercepted several people who had been trying to keep to the shadows. The news had made Sirius go cold all over, and Harry's eyes had widened with fear. Sirius knew, though, that his godson feared more for the others in the alley than he did for himself, and it broke his heart all over again. Both man and boy had thanked Merlin that nothing had happened. Imagining what could have occurred if the Auror guard hadn't been there was too much for Sirius to take.
And so, it was the thought of Harry that allowed Sirius to nod his head. "I'm ready."
"All right, then." Dixon raised his wand. "Legilimens!"
xxx
Thursday, October 11, 1979
"All right, Sirius. I'm going to let you go for the evening." Sturgis smiled at him as he stood. "I'm sorry for keeping you so long - I know we ran over time."
Sirius hated how Sturgis always worded this. I'm going to let you go ... I'm sorry for keeping you so long ... I know we ran over time ... it was times like this when Sirius wondered whether Sturgis's ego wasn't so steady, after all. He acted like he had kidnapped Sirius and that he was finally relinquishing him from his clutches, when all Sirius wanted was to stay a little longer. He wished the man would stop apologizing for absolutely nothing.
Because with Sturgis, Sirius felt worthwhile. His mentor didn't care who Sirius's family was. He didn't care that he was impulsive and quick-tempered and did things without thinking. In fact, all Sturgis did was offer him advice and make him believe in himself. Sirius had had many influences in his life, but he still couldn't believe he'd found Sturgis. Auror training was so much better than he could have ever imagined.
The two of them were in one of the rooms that all Auror mentors used to teach those they were training. There was exercise equipment there, along with dummies for duelling practice. There were shelves that were lined with books. Sirius would never have thought that he'd love coming in here so much ... but he did.
Today, though, there was something more to Sirius's feelings about Sturgis releasing him for the evening. They'd been having a session for almost three hours now, when it was only meant to be two. But Sirius wished it would last even longer, because he didn't want to think about what would happen come tomorrow.
Tomorrow, Sturgis was going on a mission with several of the other Aurors. They were assigned to all Aurors who worked in the field, and they took turns going on them. They involved stake-outs, where they'd track a suspicious person for several days to see what they were doing. At other times, they involved using potions such as Polyjuice to disguise themselves and find out information.
The missions were highly dangerous, and they were not meant to have contact with many during them. After all, you had to maintain a complete focus on the task at hand. Sturgis had already told Sirius that this mission was expected to last for three days. He was even going to miss an Order meeting, which he despised doing. It wasn't often that his missions came into conflict with Order meetings, but this was one of those rare occasions when it would do so. The order meeting was scheduled for Saturday, and Sirius knew it was going to be eerie there without him. His absence would stick out like a sore thumb.
Sirius suspected that one of those people Sturgis was allowed to contact was Kingsley Shacklebolt, who was his best friend. Sirius, though, not being technically a full-fledged Auror, was not one of those on the list. Sirius knew it was no slight against him - Sturgis trusted him, but these missions were serious business and they were too important to be telling many people about.
Sirius had no idea where Sturgis was going or what he was doing, but he was perfectly okay with that. He could only hope that Sturgis would be safe and that he would make it back to the Ministry on Monday morning at 9 AM to report to Scrimgeour about what had happened. And at 3 that afternoon would be his and Sirius's next mentoring session. Sirius hoped the next three days would pass quickly, but it was a fool's hope. They were going to drag, and he knew it.
But Sirius was being stupid. Why shouldn't Sturgis go on these missions? He had proven himself to be capable of anything. And it couldn't be more apparent that Sturgis considered them to be extremely important, which they were. In fact, Sirius couldn't wait to embark on these missions himself. He would do anything to destroy the Death Eaters - in fact, just last month ...
Sirius felt the familiar stirrings of anger enter his being as Regulus's face swam through his mind. It had been a month ago that he'd learned that his little brother had been killed because he'd refused an order from Voldemort. Sirius refused to acknowledge the grief that wanted to make its presence known. Instead, he focused on the hatred and disgust he felt towards his little brother. He deserved it, Sirius told himself, the words becoming more and more desperate as the days passed. He deserved it.
Sturgis had kept him grounded during the last month, when Sirius wanted to do nothing more than inflict the worst kind of violence on the Death Eaters. There was something in Sirius that didn't want to disappoint him, and it was downright strange. Since when did he care what anyone in authority asked him to do? He honestly didn't understand it, but there it was.
After training today, Sirius was going over to James and Lily's flat. He hadn't told them a definite time, as he could never be sure when his and Sturgis's session would end. But Lily had said she'd make dinner, and it was sure to be a good night. Both of them knew how Sirius felt about Sturgis going on the mission tomorrow, and hoped to keep him distracted from his worry for a little while. James, being in Auror training himself, was being trained by a man named Samuel Masterson. Samuel, unlike Sturgis, always kept their sessions strictly to two hours. "Merlin, mate, is he crazy?" he'd asked Sirius once when referring to Sturgis. "Doesn't the bloke have other things to do with his life?"
Sirius had only smiled, though. Sturgis's dedication to training him was unparalleled, and that was the way it was. And it warmed Sirius to be cared about so much.
Sirius and Sturgis chatted amiably as they headed out of the Ministry together, and Sirius did all he could to keep any worry from bleeding onto his face. He owed it to Sturgis to be positive about the mission and to not show how he was feeling about it. Anything else would be doing Sturgis a major disservice.
However, Sirius suddenly noticed something that he hadn't before. During today's training session, he'd been so focused on what Sturgis was saying that it hadn't registered. But now, as they exited the building, Sirius saw it. Maybe it had been on the edge of his consciousness all along. Maybe it was the reason why he dreaded Sturgis going on this mission more than he usually did.
The man was moving slower than normal, and as they reached the Apparition point, he seemed very distracted. He was telling Sirius about their plans for next week, and none of them made any sense. He seemed unsure about what days things were supposed to happen, and he was getting everything mixed up. There was something about his eyes that bothered Sirius, too.
"I'll see you on Monday, Sirius." That made sense, at least, but even Sturgis's voice was different. Gone was the confidence he usually displayed. Instead, he sounded exhausted.
"Be safe," Sirius said, having never meant anything more as he gazed at his mentor. Something ice-cold entered his veins as the realization crept into him.
Sturgis wasn't feeling well, even though he'd spent the last several hours trying to hide it - and almost succeeded. It was true that the other man had been running himself ragged lately, and now, he was being sent on this mission. And any wrong move, any hint of weakness, and the Death Eaters would catch him and pounce on it.
But what was Sirius supposed to do? Go over Sturgis's head and beg Scrimgeour not to send him? And wasn't it true that several others were going along with Sturgis? They'd look after him, wouldn't they? They'd keep him safe, wouldn't they? Perhaps Sirius was worrying over nothing. Perhaps ...
"Don't go. Please."
The words were out of his mouth before Sirius could stop them, but he had spoken them a second too late. As his mouth formed the word "don't", the crack of Sturgis's Disapparition filled the night air and Sirius felt as though all the breath had been knocked out of him. He almost swayed on the spot at the suddenness of his mentor's departure.
He was gone.
xxx
Sirius awoke, gasping, absolutely drenched in sweat. His heart was racing, his mind churning with so many thoughts that he couldn't separate one from another.
Somehow, some way, it was finally Monday morning. Sirius never thought this day would actually ever come. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday had gone by at a snail's pace, with Sirius being jumpy and on edge the entire time. James tried to be understanding, but Sirius could see that even he was tired of Sirius's pessimistic attitude.
"For someone you regard so highly, you've got no faith in him whatsoever," James had said to Sirius after what seemed like an excruciatingly long Order meeting on Saturday. "You talk about him like he'll drop dead any second!"
"You didn't see him!" Sirius argued passionately. "The LAST thing he should be doing is going on a mission right now!"
"Sirius. Calm. Down." James was getting riled up. "Things are already bad enough without you flying off the handle."
"Oh, I thought you'd forgotten how bad things are, with you trying to convince me that everything's hunky-dory," Sirius spat venomously, fear and worry turning into anger. "I thought it was only me that remembered seeing the Dark Mark hanging over Muggles' houses, the tortured and murdered bodies of innocent people inside!"
"And I think you've forgotten that we were there, too, Sirius," Lily said. Unlike James, her voice was quiet and contained a horrified sorrow, making guilt creep into Sirius. "We will never forget what we saw. Never."
"Look, mate." James lowered his voice and looked at Sirius with sadness. "I can't pretend to know what you're going through. Regulus ..."
"NO!" The anger was back, only multiplied tenfold. "I hate him! He's a coward! A spineless, filthy coward and I'm GLAD he's dead! He deserved everything he got!" He almost reveled in the anger and hate he felt at that moment. Better that than revert to the state he was in before.
You know better than to behave like this, Sirius. Merlin, how he despised hearing Sturgis's voice in his head right now. Anger doesn't help you. Fear doesn't help you. It will only convince your enemy that they're getting to you.
"All right, Sirius." Lily's voice was soft, as though she were trying to soothe a wounded child. "We won't talk about Regulus right now."
James's hazel eyes softened, his expression sympathetic. Sirius couldn't bear it. "Look, I can't convince you that everything will be all right," he said quietly. "Things are never guaranteed when Aurors go on these missions. But ... he knows what he's doing, and you know it. And if something does go wrong, he's not alone, you know? You need to trust him."
Sirius knew it was true. He should be trusting Sturgis. He'd given him absolutely no reason not to.
But still, all through the rest of that night and all through Sunday, there was the nagging, lingering feeling at the back of his mind that something was going to go wrong. That last glimpse of Sturgis at the Apparition point had not given him hope. Something bad was going to happen.
And now, it was Monday morning. Sirius couldn't recall exactly what his nightmare had been about - all he knew was that it contained dark alleys, sinister noises, and a feeling of terror that consumed every fiber of his being. It felt like the entire world had been ripped down the middle, and everything was falling apart.
He didn't know what to expect when he arrived at the Ministry that morning, but he had a very bad feeling. A very, very bad feeling.
As he passed the cubicles of the other Aurors, he wished them a good morning. The jittery feelings were only becoming worse as the time moved closer and closer to 9 AM. Sturgis would always pass his cubicle upon his arrival.
Growing up in his family, punctuality had been drilled into his head by his parents. To be even one minute late was a cardinal sin. It was one of those things that, even though he disagreed with everything his family said, he'd never forgotten. Therefore, he always noticed when someone was late.
And he'd always noticed that almost every single day, Sturgis was between one and five minutes late. It was one of those idiosyncracies that Sirius had seen within weeks of meeting him, and it had never changed in over a year. It was a rarity that he was ever on time.
It had actually become something humorous. It was now a running joke between him, James, and Lily what time he'd actually show up at the Ministry or for their mentoring session. James had even teasingly suggested that they take bets on the exact time he'd come every day. Sirius could always be found outside the training room at 3 PM, waiting for him to arrive. And, of course, he just HAD to get there at 3:01. And, without even thinking about it, Sirius would always look at the clock whenever he saw him pass his cubicle in the morning, and chuckle to himself when 9:02 was clearly displayed on it. It was such a Sturgis thing that for him to do anything else wouldn't be normal.
Today, though ... Sirius felt his heart sink further and further as he looked at the clock for what seemed like the thousandth time. It was 9:25 AM and Sturgis still hadn't shown up. He was way over the five-minute margin. Sirius felt his breaths coming quickly as he tried in vain to focus on the reading material that Sturgis had assigned him to complete while he was gone.
He felt nauseated, and his hands were shaking as he turned the page. All he could see was Sturgis's exhausted eyes as they said goodbye on Thursday night. All he heard was him mixing up his days of the week as he explained to Sirius what their future plans were. All he heard was his own voice pleading, "Don't go," like a small child, but it was lost within the sound of Sturgis's Disapparition.
And now ... and now ...
Merlin, Sirius desperately wanted James to be right. This morning, as they'd entered the Ministry, James had tried to convince him again that all would be well. He'd patted his best friend's shoulder as he'd gone to his own cubicle. If only ... if only ... if only Sturgis would come, and Sirius would welcome him back. Only, that moment didn't seem to be coming. The anticipation and dread was tying Sirius's stomach into knots as every minute passed with no hide nor hair of him.
Sirius almost had his head on the desk when someone tapped him on the shoulder. Jolting into alertness, Sirius looked up into the face of Kingsley Shacklebolt.
Sirius knew his eyes were frantic when he stared at Kingsley, but no matter what techniques he used, he couldn't remain calm. Four nights of not sleeping well hadn't helped the situation either. "Kingsley. What's happened? What's going on? Where is he?" The words flew out of him in a rush. "Where's ... where's ..."
Kingsley looked at Sirius steadily, laying a hand on his shoulder. "Sturgis is not here this morning because he is trying to stay a step ahead of the Death Eaters," he explained quietly, his voice slow and measured. "I received correspondence from him a few minutes ago. He and his partners have reasons to believe that they are being followed, and therefore, they have to be very careful right now. That's why he's delayed in getting back."
Sirius only felt sicker at this news. Maybe he should have focused on the fact that his mentor was, at the current moment, still alive. He'd made it through the weekend, after all. He'd made it through the weekend and he was trying to get back.
Sirius attempted to take a deep breath. He couldn't show himself up in front of the other Aurors. What Kingsley said next, however, almost made him lose his composure completely.
"He and one of his partners got separated from the other two," he said quietly. "But Sturgis is resourceful and quick on his feet, as you know. And he is still not alone. I have the utmost faith that he will make it back to the Ministry some time today. In fact, he told me that he hopes to make it back for your mentoring session this afternoon."
"Thanks, Kingsley." Sirius's voice was hoarse, because fear still pounded through his veins. Maybe it was instinct - but something about the situation still didn't feel right to him.
xxx
Sirius didn't know how he made it through the morning, which consisted of classes with the other trainees. That was always how it worked. Sirius would get a bit of time to himself to look at paperwork, and then, he and the others would have classes. Sirius usually enjoyed these, too, especially when it came to his interactions with the other Auror trainees. They were very interesting people from all walks of life, all coming together under one common goal - hunting down dark wizards. But it was the one-on-one mentoring sessions he lived for.
The instant James had seen Sirius in the group training area, he knew something was amiss. "What happened, Sirius?" he asked worriedly.
When Sirius told him what was going on, James just looked at him, his hazel eyes showing both concern and faith at the same time. "He'll get back, then," he said quietly. "Kingsley knows him better than anyone. Rest assured - he'll be back."
"I pray to Merlin you're right," Sirius said, worry still thrumming through him. "I really hope you're right."
xxx
Sirius paced outside the one-on-one training room, feeling sick to his stomach. His head was hurting, his skin felt clammy, and his heart was beating so hard that he thought it would burst out of his chest at any moment.
It was 3:30. Half an hour after the scheduled time of Sturgis's arrival, and there was absolutely no sign of him whatsoever. No feet coming down the corridor. No familiar, reassuring voice telling him that everything was okay now.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
And there had been no contact either. No new message from him. Not even a hint of one. No clue as to where he was or whether he was safe.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just a horrible, empty silence that consumed everything it touched. Just the absence of hope. Nothing but a blank, suffocating darkness that seemed to bathe the corridor in misery.
Sirius had been unlucky enough to come into contact with Dementors a time or two. He had been plunged into his worst memories - screaming himself hoarse at Regulus as he discovered his little brother's fascination with Voldemort. Remus glaring at him with tears in his eyes, his whispered words - "I thought you were my friend." The look on his face had been soul-shattering. "How could you tell Snape about me? Why, Sirius? Why? I trusted you." Sirius would have preferred for his friend to shout at him, rather than speak to him like this.
And now, he knew that if he ever came in contact with a Dementor again, this memory would be added to the mix. Pacing in the corridor, heart pounding, head aching, waiting for someone who just. Wasn't. Coming.
MISSING.
The word seemed to throw itself into his consciousness, taking over everything. His mentor, the one person who seemed to understand him, who didn't tiptoe around him in the past month as he struggled to come to terms with what had happened to Regulus ... even his best friend, the person he trusted beyond anyone else in the world, walked on eggshells around him these days, not knowing how to handle Sirius's volatility. But Sturgis knew. He knew and understood. And now, he was ... he was ...
MISSING.
By 4:30, Sirius was still in the damned corridor. By now, he literally felt insane. Mad. Stark raving bonkers. What the hell was he still doing in the corridor anyway? He had never been one to wait around for anything. And it was clear what was going on.
He has to come. He just has to. This can't be happening. It just can't.
He should have gone home, or to James and Lily's. James would have said he was torturing himself. Lily would fix him something to eat and make him a cup of tea.
But Sirius thought he owed it to Sturgis to stay here. Stay here and wait, because he couldn't give up on him. Sturgis, after all, had never given up on Sirius. Sturgis had made him believe in the impossible. It sounded completely ridiculous, but he had filled the most hopeless situations with optimism. Therefore, he had to come. He just HAD to come. Any minute now ... any second ...
MISSING.
At 5:00, he couldn't take it anymore and shakily made his way back up to the Auror offices. They were almost empty now; only a few stragglers were left, and Sirius saw that Kingsley was one of them.
Kingsley intercepted him when he saw that Sirius was walking over. "You're still here?" His eyes flickered with surprise for an instant. In the next second, however, he looked solemn. "I should have known you wouldn't leave. I'm sorry, Sirius." Though he was trying to hide it, Sirius could see the stress lines around Kingsley's mouth, the clear worry in his eyes.
"Where is he?" Sirius spoke quietly, because he thought that if he talked any louder, he'd explode right there on the spot.
"I ... I ..." Kingsley hesitated in saying anything.
And right then and there, Sirius couldn't bear to look at Kingsley any longer. It was all too clear - Kingsley had absolutely no idea where Sturgis was.
And Sirius thought the worst. The Death Eaters had either gotten to him, or he had collapsed somewhere, his clear illness from days earlier having gotten the better of him. After all, when would he have had a chance to rest on that damned, bloody mission? And there was nothing, nothing Sirius could do.
MISSING.
"Find him. Please, find him," Sirius whispered before bolting from the offices, not stopping when he heard Kingsley call his name.
He didn't say the last part out loud: Find him, even if it's only so I can say goodbye.
xxx
The rest of the night was a blur. He only remembered little snippets of it. It was rather like looking at a blurry photograph or hearing the sound of a Muggle record that wasn't in good condition. The one thing that stuck out, though, was the one simple, terrible word:
MISSING.
He remembered James's reassuring arm around him. Lily's soft words. His frantic message to Dumbledore. He didn't even consider that Kingsley had probably already taken care of that. The Potters called Remus and Peter over to give Sirius some reassurance.
But nothing helped. Nothing took away the one fact that kept crashing upon him, bludgeoning him over and over and over again.
MISSING.
"Stay with us tonight. You're in no shape to go back to your flat." James was insistent.
"I'll make the bed in the guest room." Lily was quick to add.
Sirius took them up on the offer. He had no choice. He was already losing his mental faculties.
MISSING.
"It's too much," he whispered as Lily handed him a headache potion. "Losing him ... it's just too much. Why did I sign up for this?"
Thankfully, no one said anything. They didn't say what Sirius knew - that he should have been prepared for this, that the war would inevitably mean there would be casualties, that people he cared about would fall.
Sirius knew this. But all he could think was that he should have stopped Sturgis. He was becoming ill the day before he left. If he'd just stayed put ...
MISSING.
That night was riddled with nightmares, just like last night had been. Demonic, sinister voices clawed at him. This time, though, he could make out the words.
"You're not good enough. You were never good enough to be an Auror. You'll never amount to anything. Blood traitor. Abomination. Shame of my flesh."
MISSING.
The darkness was all-consuming, overpowering, unbearable. It sunk its teeth into every bone in his body, constricting him, strangling him, refusing to release him.
MISSING.
He woke up at five in the morning. He had barely slept two hours. Bolting out of bed, he wrenched open the guest room door. His eyes felt gummed together, his head was still pounding despite the potion he'd embibed, and he didn't feel like he'd rested at all.
He ran into the living room, surprised to see James wide awake and sitting on the couch. "Have you heard anything about ..." he started, the words jumbled together.
James looked up, his hazel eyes full of sadness. "No, mate," he said quietly, causing Sirius's heart to sink even further. "No, I haven't."
MISSING.
Sirius sank onto the sofa beside him, and thankfully, James said nothing more. He didn't try to comfort him, which was a comfort in itself. There was nothing for Sirius to do but sit and wait for news, if it ever came.
And the moment did come, and it was when Sirius least expected it. It was 6:45 when a beeping sound was heard. Sirius couldn't get to it fast enough - it was the book that Aurors used to communicate with one another. Even though Sirius was only a trainee, Sturgis had procured one for him.
James's hazel eyes had shot open as well, and Sirius's hand trembled convulsively as he pointed his wand at the book and whispered the password. Opening it, his eyes instantly fell on the words:
Meet me in our training area at 8:00 this morning. Sturgis.
The entire world stopped for a split second as a massive wave of relief washed over Sirius. It was so enormous that if he hadn't been sitting down, he'd have literally fallen over. He felt very faint, everything went out of focus.
"Sirius? Mate?" James's voice came from very far away. "What's happened?"
Sirius spoke haltingly, each word coming several seconds after the last one. "He ... he wants me to ... meet him ... at eight this morning ... at our normal ... location."
A huge smile lit James's face as he raised his hands in the air, and let out a whoop. He pulled Sirius into a one-armed embrace, pounding him on the back exceedingly hard. Sirius barely felt it, though - right now, he was as light as a feather.
James bounded out of the room and into his and Lily's bedroom. He obviously didn't care about waking her, but she seemed not to care either when she heard the news. Instead, she quickly got dressed and rushed into the living room to embrace Sirius. "Come into the kitchen. You look done in," she said with concern. "You need a good, hearty breakfast before you return to the Ministry."
xxx
Unfortunately, things did not turn out the way Sirius was hoping. He arrived at his and Sturgis's training area promptly at 8:00 AM. Once again, he paced up and down the corridor, waiting for Sturgis to appear. The only thing he wanted in the world right now was to just see him again.
But he was running very late. By the time Sirius finally heard familiar footsteps walking towards him, the exhaustion and emotional upset had returned. Gone was the anticipation, the joy. All he felt was a bone-deep weariness that made him want to sink to the floor.
When Sturgis finally arrived, he looked just as exhausted as Sirius felt. He was still suffering the effects of whatever illness had started to take hold five days ago. There were dark circles under his eyes, and when he greeted Sirius, his voice was rougher than he remembered.
There had been so many things that Sirius wanted to say at that moment, but he said none of them. Instead, he felt like a ghost as Sturgis raised his wand and unlocked the door. Both of them walked inside the room, and Sturgis pointed to a seat. Without saying a word, Sirius did as he was told.
"Now, then." Sturgis didn't sound at all like himself when he addressed Sirius, and there was something very ... cold and distant about his eyes. "I did not appreciate what happened yesterday," he said bluntly. "The people who really needed to know were notified that I had made it home safely. The Minister of Magic was perfectly aware of my safety. I had other commitments that I needed to attend to. So excuse me for not being at your beck and call."
The world stopped again for Sirius at that moment. Never had Sturgis spoken to him like that before. Never had his voice been so cold; never had he sounded so dismissive.
He had literally taken almost sixteen hours of worry and told him in no uncertain terms that he just didn't care.
Almost sixteen hours. That was always how he would think of it, even though it had been much longer. He supposed it was because he'd at least thought that Sturgis was alive before he just didn't show up for their afternoon session. His heart felt like it had been frozen over, and his blood suddenly grew chilled, as though a Dementor had glided into the room, its rattling breath frosting the air.
But no sooner had the wave of cold swept through him, than another sensation took over. It was blistering, scorching, frothing anger. It was the kind of fury that filled his entire body, and his blood, which one second earlier had been made of ice, flowed through him like lava. How could ... how could ...
"How DARE you!" At that moment, Sirius didn't care that Sturgis was the one in authority and Sirius was only a lowly trainee compared to his oh-so-high-and-mighty status as the be-all, end-all. "How DARE you imply that I think I'm more important than anything else! I said no such thing, and I never will! Whatever happened when you were on that mission is none of my business!" His voice turned acidic. "We are in the middle of a war, you know," he spat. "And I, low and behold, care about you, Merlin knows why. You didn't have to tell me anything you didn't want to. I do not make it a priority to pry into your personal life, or are you that egotistical that you honestly think I spend my time pondering every move you make?"
He glowered at the man sitting across from him. "I don't know when you actually got back yesterday, and I don't need to know. But Kingsley, your best goddamned friend, was worried sick about you too. Aren't you two like brothers? You have a very nice way of showing it," he said sarcastically. "It would have been nice for us to know that you were fucking alive. But maybe ... maybe none of this was worth it. Maybe you're not worth my time!" he bellowed, his chest hurting as though nails were cutting into it. "Maybe I should just hand in my resignation and be done with it! Maybe I wasn't meant to be an Auror!"
There was a long, shaky moment when the whole world seemed to be on a knife's edge. Sirius, sleep-deprived, sickened, and feeling so fragile that anything could have knocked him over, suddenly felt all his anger evaporate, and the next words he spoke were whispered.
"I feel so ... detached from everyone else right now," he said, closing his eyes. "Even James doesn't understand. You're the only one who doesn't act like the world is falling apart. You're the only one who's believed in me this whole time and has never faltered. You're the only one who doesn't constantly ask me if I'm all right after finding out that my brother was a ... a Death Eater, and he got himself ... killed."
He took a deep, shuddering breath. "I didn't ... didn't mean what I said," he said haltingly. "I'm not going to resign. I know something happened on that mission and ... and you don't need to tell me what. And whatever you had to do yesterday ... I don't need an explanation for that either. I'm just ... I'm just so thankful you're back."
Sturgis had remained silent through Sirius's entire speech, and the expression on his face was unreadable. Sirius couldn't tell what he was feeling at all.
"I ... I have to go." Sirius stood up, knowing that right now, he couldn't bear to be in the same room with Sturgis any longer. "When you feel better, let me know," he said quietly. "In the meantime, go home. You look horrible. And ... please, for Merlin's sake, take care of yourself." In a voice barely audible, he choked out, "I thought you'd been lost."
He turned to leave, and as he stood in the doorway, he spoke one last time. "I might not always like what you have to say," he said quietly. "Sometimes, I outright despise it. You've made me realize things about myself that I never wanted to own up to, and still struggle to." He looked Sturgis directly in the eye. "But ... it's worse if you don't say anything at all."
And with those parting words, Sirius walked out, leaving Sturgis sitting in their one-on-one training room, alone.
xxx
Sirius gasped as Dixon pulled out of his mind. Even after all this time, the memory was so potent that it elicited the same emotions in him that it always had.
Dixon gave Sirius a moment to collect himself. Once the other man had calmed down enough to speak, he said, "Neither of us ever mentioned it again. I honestly was prepared not to see him the rest of the week at all - I was positive he'd need time off, to recover from his illness."
"I'm guessing that he proved you wrong?" Dixon asked, gazing at Sirius with an unreadable expression. It reminded him of how Sturgis had looked at him that day.
"Indeed, he did," Sirius replied. "Believe it or not, he came back the next day. I was shocked by how much better he looked. He told me that he had gone to see a Healer and had been prescribed potions. Scrimgeour apparently told him that if he felt well enough, he could return, but he was relegated to desk duty for at least a week."
"And so, if I'm reading the situation correctly, you just went back to normal after that big blow-up?" Dixon prompted.
"He acted like the entire thing had never happened, and so did I," Sirius answered. "For some reason, I couldn't stay angry with him. He looked so ... so exhausted and ill, and he just ... was acting so unlike himself that something must have happened on that mission. I still don't know what, but it doesn't matter. I realized the next day, when he defied all my expectations and just waltzed back into the Ministry like he had never been ill, that none of it mattered. He was safe and alive. For the next few weeks, I was on guard, wondering if he'd treat me like that again ... but everything went back to normal. It was like it had all been one long, horrible nightmare and none of it was real."
"But it was real." Dixon said softly. "And you never forgot."
"No," Sirius confessed as he explained the entire situation with the owl on Friday. "I assumed the worst," he said ashamedly. "I was ... I was scared."
"You overreacted," Dixon said gently. "But don't be ashamed of it. Accept the fact that it happened, and move on."
Sirius nodded, and sighed. After a minute, he said, "That's not the worst thing that happened between us. Halloween 1981 ..."
"I know," Dixon said softly, already knowing about that. "I wonder ... what is it about Sturgis that allowed you to forgive so quickly, when you've always had issues with letting things go?"
To that, Sirius gave a true, honest answer. "Because sometimes, when I look at him, I don't see him," he whispered. "Sometimes ... sometimes, I see me. And I ... I've spent way too much time hating myself."