Chapter 17: The flame
"Do you miss university, sometimes?"
Vlad blinked against his pillow and pushed himself back up. He'd slid down while June had been checking up on his ravaged hands, but this was no way to have a conversation – even one he didn't want to have.
"I... A bit. I like learning and researching and experimenting, and I can't..."
He couldn't do that here. It wasn't June's fault, or the doctors', or Bianco – it was just that half the time, Vlad felt like dying no like about it and nothing here made it an appropriate space to do any kind of experimenting.
you know whose fault it is
"banzai!"
It wasn't like Vlad could just tell the clinic that no, actually, he'd leave and live like before, not when he occasionally vomited three liters of blood and his hands looked like horror movie props, amongst other things.
June hummed and handed him today's pills.
"You must have friends, no? Why don't you try writing to them? You've only sent letters to your family so far."
Vlad stared into emptiness for a moment, all too aware of the unnatural silence.
He missed Maddie, of course – she'd tried to save him, hadn't she, she'd seen it coming and she'd told Jack to wait, but Jack, Jack...
burns hurts please stop
He missed Maddie, of course, but neither she nor Jack had ever come to visit him in the two months he'd spent at Madison's hospital. He'd thought it was because... He didn't really know what he'd thought anymore, but he'd assumed something had delayed them her, except he'd waited and they she still hadn't come.
Maybe... Maybe she felt guilty because she hadn't been able to stop Jack soon enough. Maybe she didn't dare try and contact him after what had happened. Maybe she thought she should have done more, done better but at least she'd tried her at least she hadn't killed him through unadulterated negligence and that they'd have all laughed about it afterwards, if only she'd been more convincing, if only she'd been faster. They wouldn't have had to learn how far Jack's thoughtlessness could hurt people.
It wasn't Maddie's fault, of course.
It was Jack's Jack's fault always the nightmares the pain the deaths and the unnatural survival all of it for only one reason all of it because of Jack Fenton.
Vlad couldn't help but wonder about what they were doing, the two of them – without him.
he wasn't needed
Had they managed to salvage their studies and the experiment? The proto-portal hadn't worked quite like it was expected to someone had died and that someone was him but no one could claim that it had been a failure either. Vlad had seen the dimension green and purple swirling as he burned and hurt on the other side, the camera they'd set up in the corner of the lab should have at least caught some of it, and the energy released right in his face because someone couldn't bother and check that the coast was clear and safe was enough of a sample of what could be done with ecto-energy that the university couldn't entirely dismiss their work.
Maddie had painstakingly bridged the logical gaps in the project of making a portal to the ghost zone, Vlad had spent hours cross-referencing all their work and what they already knew to make sure they weren't overlooking anything, and Jack had meticulously drawn the blueprints for Maddie and Vlad's theories.
They'd done so much work there and Vlad might as well have died for something.
He hoped feared they could continue their work and make it better and not make the same mistakes again. It was Jack's fault that Vlad was dying and Jack should have at least had the decency to come and apologize and say he'd be more careful now and he didn't do any of that so here was Vlad alone but Maddie, Maddie at least should know to look out for any more accidents.
Jack might not realize it on his own, but Maddie wouldn't let something like that happen again.
"Jack those calculations aren't right"
She'd tried, for Vlad.
if Jack and Maddie had come to see him if they hadn't left him alone
they'd see him now
and Vlad couldn't live with the possibility of them knowing
Vlad bent a smile for June's benefit and shook his head. He felt cold, only thinking about Jack and Maddie. It wasn't like there was anything he could do.
"No one that close. A few... Some acquaintances I'd like to see again, one day, but no one close. It can wait until I'm better."
He was never going to get better because he was dead and you didn't recover from that – but he might, one day, learn how to pretend. Maybe then, he'd be able to go and see confront demand an explanation ask why his friends.
June frowned, not really convinced, but she didn't push.
"If you say so... What about finishing your degree, though? You told me the university contacted you about options, right?"
"I'm hardly in a position to experiment on anything at all."
If Vlad's tone was quite bitter there, well.
He'd become enough of an unknown influence that he couldn't even handle samples without risking contaminating them in unexpected ways, and that was if he'd had access to a lab – which he didn't.
"Theoretical studies, then. Or you could try for another subject. Something less hands-on; calculations and whatnot, or even humanities. At least it would keep you busy, and you'd even get something out of it when you finally get your life back."
ah
what a joke
then again if not his life
he might get his freedom back one day
maybe
in a decade or two or three when he wouldn't look like a walking disaster an advertisement for death and pain an inhuman monster bleeding without prompt and right on the edge of what shouldn't be
Vlad bit his lower lip with his slightly-too-sharp teeth and forced himself to actually consider what June was telling him. She only wanted to help him and he knew he couldn't let himself stagnate for months on end. It was bad enough that his health kept him from doing almost anything meaningful, he shouldn't allow himself to also wallow in misery forever.
"I... I'd thought of getting a degree in business, too. It's interesting enough, and we'd have needed it if we wanted to start our own business one day. Even if I never... I could still do that, I guess."
June gave him a smile so bright Vlad almost wanted to do all that only for her. She seemed to believe in him and he had no idea why.
"See, Vlad! There are still things you can do, it's not like you've lost absolutely everything. You still have your mind, and I'm sure your health will come back one day!"