Shepard is capitalizing this moment to extract as much annoyance loosh as he possibly can by asking me a barrage of triggering questions "Do blood rituals work? Sacrificing a virgin? Gazing into a crystal ball? Mirror gazing? Voodoo dolls? Using a wand to cast spells? Whatever geometry stuff they use?"
"PLE-EA-Ease stop!" I'm actually crying. This is so ridiculous it isn't funny.
Tali takes my side "Shepard can't you see this is upsetting him?"
The prick says "I'm getting paybacks for all the stuff he did to me."
"This is one of the reasons I don't explain this crap to people because they'll think I'm one of those people. I took what aided me. Shepard please I am actually begging you to stop" I said.
He replies "Ok alright I will if you come talk to me in my cabin. Alone."
Tali makes an excuse "I need to speak with my aunt anyways. ********* come find me later. I love you" Tali takes my hand to gently squeeze it and presses her mouth piece to my cheek, her synthesizer makes a pucker sound before leaving.
"I am one lucky man" I said out loud and very grateful to have her at my side.
"How are things between you and her? You both seem really happy" he said.
"Unbelievably so. Bud, I know you are tired from the war and all, but you need to put an end to this war ASAP. If the millions of people dying in the galaxy isn't enough motivation, well your best buddy forevers is planning to propose once this is over" I said.
"I'm kind of surprised you haven't yet but also not. I'm in the same boat with Liara. When we win this war, I'm going to see what she thinks about a long-term relationship. That means for the rest of my life. Liara is considered young for an asari and it's somewhat frowned upon having that kind of commitment at her life stage" he said.
"Is that what you want to talk to me about? I'm glad you're happy with her but your lifespans are very different. You understand what that means when your cyborg batteries run out of juice right?"
"Would you stop calling me a cyborg?" he said.
"Stop being one then'" I said.
"Honestly these metal parts are probably why I'm still running. Come on we should go" Shepard said. While in the still slow elevator up to his cabin, we make small talk. Garrus's scar is partially faded thanks to what I taught him but had to stop in order to keep his strength up, but his mom died from her condition. Ken and Gabby are back and dating. Grunt is on the ship too. He wanted to see me again. I'll stop by afterwards; wait I have the Q&A session at whatever my calendar says. The elevator stops and nothing is happening. Shepard has to pry open the doors to his cabin.
"The ship had an incident with a Reaper while exploring and it damaged something here and no one has had time to fix it" he said.
"I'll try when I have some down time. I made a template of the Normandy before the makeover and will swap out the doors' I said.
"Seriously? The entire ship? How big can you copy something?" he asks.
"That is a really good question. This would be one of the bigger things I've made but I never tried something much larger. I never needed my own skyscraper or something. I'm sure you didn't ask me to come up here and discuss the limits of my powers. What did you need to talk about? I don't need my abilities to know something is up. Did you find out what the reapers want?" I ask.
Shepard says "No this isn't about that. Oh shit I forgot to tell you, I found the creators of the Reapers and why they are attacking and by that blank look on your face you already why."
"Yeah. Wait, do the leviathans know about me?" I ask.
"I tried to fight it, but they probed my mind and found out about you. Hold on they won't try to mind control you and turn you against us, will they?" he asks.
"No, I'm strong enough to resist whatever influences they have and have special contingencies just in case. Crap I would have liked my privacy but what's done is done. Are they helping in the war?" I ask.
"As much as giant cuddlefish can. Now can we get to what I want to talk about?" Shepard's eyes are very tired. He hasn't had a good night's sleep in a long time and needs some sunlight exposure. He looks like a hungry ghoul. The commander sits down on the edge of his bed. His strong fingers run through his short haired scalp down to behind his ears. I take a seat on the end of the couch. Shepard would ask me for advice from time to time however I am the one who will be listening.
Shepard takes a moment. His knee raises and falls like a sewing machine needle as he saws "I'm having nightmares. I try not to sleep to avoid them."
"Hmm… that sounds rough. Sleep should be a time to recharge and feel good when you wake. Not for torment. May I ask how long it's been since you had some half-decent sleep?"
"Five days."
"FIVE! You have not slept in five days? Do you know how bad it is?" Once I was forced to go three nights without any sleep and I wanted to die.
"I get a couple hours before I wake up and steal micro naps when I can" he said.
"That does not count. Sleep deprivation is not joke. These nightmares you are having are bad. It might help to talk about it and I'm always willing to lend an ear. Would you mind if I ask what you're dreaming of? It's fine if you don't" I said.
Shepard says "It's mostly the same thing. I'm in a forest but it's ugly, ashy, and dying and…"
"You don't have to tell me. I have an idea. Why are you telling me this? Do you want me to make them go away?" I ask.
Shepard surprisingly refuses "No. I know they are a part of a larger problem. This damn war is taking so much from me. My time, my body, and now my mind. I saw something I hoped to never see. The Reapers launched a surprise attack where I was being held and I escaped to the ship. When I reached Normandy back on Earth… there was a little kid. A Reaper disintegrated him right before me. I don't think he was even 10."
"Ouch. Yeah, that cuts you deep" Even knowing where they go, it is still unsettling to witness.
"I couldn't save him like I can't save all the other children being killed by those damn Reapers every second back on Earth while I'm here elbowing with the leaders. I should be out there fighting back" he said.
"Try not to think of it. You are fighting back. You're building an army unlike anything I've seen."
"What happens to those kids? I need to know" Shepard said.
sigh
"Children usually have optimal nervous system functions and carry little baggage aka no energetic blockages. Smooth sailing to the apogee" I said.
"Why do I bother? Why am I going through all this pain and suffering if they are going to continue existing in some paradise?"
"I don't think it's paradise, otherwise why would I meet people who left voluntarily. I only want to go to see my family then continue exploring with Tali hopefully."
"What is the god damn point?"
"I don't know. Honestly."
"Why shouldn't we let the reapers just kill everyone and start over somewhere else?"
"And let a lot of people be denied a full meaningful life after all the struggles they've been through? I know the war is grinding you down, but has it really made you so pathetic that you would throw in the towel when we are so close to the end? What would you say to all those people you let die, depriving them the opportunity of a home, wife, kids, because you want to take the easy way out?"
"You could have stopped this. You have the power to end this. Why won't you?"
"Alright, fair point. Convince the galaxy to give up their freewill and make me the galactic king, follow all my laws without question and I'll try my best."
"Be serious. You know that boy was going to die and you did nothing."
"HEY watch yourself. I didn't know where or when he would have been, and besides didn't humans have years to prepare for this? The Alliance knew of the Reapers since we took down Saren. Why couldn't the people responsible invest in defense or something. Your people had a better chance than in the game and still failed. Must I remind you repeatedly I have no governing power or control over you guys and therefore no responsibility. Your people are not overgrown toddlers, you're an adult so start acting like one. You were capable of planning and protecting yourselves but didn't. Don't you dare blame me for this preventable tragedy. I came here to help a friend but if this is how I am treated after everything I've done, Tali and I can head back.
"Stop. I'm sorry. I'm just so so tired and I want this to be over. I've fought for so long and I am sick of it. I knew being a soldier involved suffering but not to this extent. I practically died and still have to fight those monstrous husks. I swear I can see pain in their eyes when they are running up to me like they are begging me to kill them, then I do and realize I just killed an innocent person" he said.
"I know. But that is not an excuse for making me your scapegoat. I expect you guys to be able to take care of yourselves because I know you are capable of it. If I put myself through the wringer to escape where I came from, you people can at least try to defend yourselves or run like cowards until the reapers catch and kill you. Shepard, we are really close. Just keep going for a little while longer."
"I want to rest. Really rest."
"It's coming."
"Again I'm really sorry for taking my anger out on you. It's just. You're you. I have this image in my head you're this nigh omnipotent being and keep forgetting you have your own problems. If you could would you stop the war instantly?"
…
…
…
"Why aren't you saying anything?"
"I'm thinking."
"What is there to think about?"
"Shepard, I don't like my own people so much that I left them behind and never looked back and they gave me plenty of reasons for that. While the humans in this universe are leaps and bounds better than my own, which sadly actually isn't that impressive, I'm afraid fixing your own problems will breed massive entitlement and I witnessed firsthand what happens and I will not live through that again."
"Let me ask you one more question. Does it hurt you to see all these people suffering?"
"Yes it does and trying to stop it always backfires when I try."