Maya and Claudine are together again after all this time. How will they choose to move forward from here, while Maya must still live a life of secrecy...?
Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.
Chapter 10. Never Again
The impossible had happened.
Claudine had somehow found the girl she'd believed to have been dead for the past three years, and she'd found her alive and well. Maya had disobeyed all of the strict rules placed upon her for her own safety and engaged with someone from her previous life. Now that the secrets have been irrevocably revealed and a deal has been struck between them, the atmosphere of that living room apartment festers with a great weighted mix of emotions.
Excitement. Guilt. Joy. Apprehension. And so many more that will go unnamed.
Presently, the two girls have just come to the mutual decision that they would keep each other in their lives from now on. Although, after three years of living under the guise that Maya had projected to the world of her being dead, it's understandable that Claudine is already having doubts on how well she can trust her, even now.
Still huddled up on Maya's couch in nothing but her dirty dress and Maya's blue coat, Claudine examines her old partner's expression as Maya sits there beside her in a state of pensive melancholy. There's so much more that she needs to say to Maya, and so much more that she needs to hear Maya say in return. She doesn't even know where to begin…
As Claudine ponders, rifling through the countless thoughts that stir up so many poignant emotions in her heart, Maya struggles to push down that sickening sense of dread in the back of her throat. She'd committed the biggest taboo imaginable by someone in her delicate position. With this, she is actively endangering her own life, her parents' lives, and Claudine's. And she knows that. She knew that would be the case the moment she decided to turn back in that alley. And yet she'd done it anyway.
Because there was just something in her soul that had paid no heed to the dangers, something childish and naive and foolish that had chosen Claudine over all else…
Several long beats of silence persist within the apartment. The ventilation whirs around them, providing a sense of eerie comfort in the movement of the air in the mostly-dark apartment. Maya looks over her guest, huddled up on her couch, injured and cold and covered in dirt. She's already putting them both in danger by having Claudine stay with her this long. The smartest thing to do at this point would be to send Claudine on her way and lock the door behind her.
But those aren't the words that end up coming out of her mouth.
"Claudine, I implore you to stay the night here and rest."
Maya flinches as she lets the sentence out of her mouth, but there's simply no way she can let her leave in such poor condition. And it just so happens that Claudine hadn't been very keen on the idea of leaving her tonight either.
"Fine," she huffs. "Can you lend me your cell phone? I left all of my things back at the theater. I'd like to text one of my colleagues." But as much as Maya understands her predicament, she has to refuse that request.
"I apologize. But I cannot risk messaging unknown numbers on my device. I can't be certain it isn't being monitored."
Claudine almost huffs again, but stops herself. She'd already put Maya at unimaginable risk by discovering her identity tonight. She supposes she'll have to honor the rest of her restrictions and not push any further. She lets out a sigh instead.
"All right. I'll just make something up and tell them tomorrow."
"Very well." Maya swallows. She'd never been a host before since she'd gotten her own place. It's the first time she'd ever had anyone staying at her apartment. She'd never even allowed her friends and classmates from her new life as Tomita Maya to visit. It was thrilling and nerve-wracking all at once.
"Then… may I offer to run a bath for you? Perhaps some dinner…?"
Claudine looks herself over again too, mainly her bare legs that are splattered with dried mud and her left foot which is bandaged up and still throbbing slightly.
"I… guess so. Thanks."
Maya accepts the excuse to take her leave, and quickly hurries off into the bathroom. She starts running the warm water, nervously pulling out some new shampoo and conditioner bottles as well as a fresh towel. She just tries to focus on taking care of her guest right now, and nothing more.
Maya next goes into her bedroom to fetch Claudine a change of clothes, some sweatpants and a sweater, which she brings back into the bathroom and leaves on the sink. When she steps back into the living room area, she finds Claudine staring at the room around her in a state of stoic shock.
So this is where she's been hiding. At least in the recent months…
She just can't believe it. The cover-up story had been immaculate. No one had challenged it or thought it could be anything but the truth.
She replays the memories of that day three years ago in her mind. The day she'd returned to Starlight Hall and been told the tragic news. The day of Maya's funeral. The plaque displayed in her honor…
All the thousands and thousands of people they'd tricked and been lying to. Out of necessity, of course, but that didn't make it sting any less.
And because of what? Some outdated deal that wasn't even relevant to Maya or her parents anymore…?
It was just unbelievable how the avarice of a group of people whom Maya had never even seen before could have caused such an uproar and torn her life apart, as well as the lives of those who'd loved her so dearly…
"Claudine…?"
She's pulled from her reverie by the sound of Maya's voice; a voice that still sends a pang through her chest after having gone three years without it. Claudine looks over at her, unaware that her eyes had started to water again. Maya dips her head and looks at the carpet.
"Your bath is ready."
Claudine swallows, then wipes her eyes.
"Right…" She shifts her legs over the side of the couch and starts pushing herself up. But the immediate pain that shoots through her foot and up her leg, coupled with the dizziness of that adrenaline crash makes her all but collapse right back into her seat. Maya rushes forward to help.
"Please- allow me to assist you." She reaches out toward her, offering her support; the natural response to seeing someone in distress like this.
And yet, Claudine's reaction is so unexpected, it startles even her. She flinches, almost jolting back away from Maya. A reflex so instinctual she hadn't even considered it consciously - her body just moves on its own.
Three years. Three years of believing Maya was dead and gone couldn't simply be erased just like that. Her mind and her body are still struggling to comprehend the reality in front of her. So when Maya is suddenly there in front of her again, trying to make contact and touch her… Claudine's mind and body get so jumbled and confused and hurt that her only reaction is to pull away.
It can't be real. She must be imagining things-
"Claudine-?"
Again, Maya says her name. And again, Claudine's heart throbs painfully. When she lifts her face, more tears have gathered in Claudine's eyes.
"I'm… I'm sorry…" Her voice is nothing more than a feeble little whisper. "I just…"
Maya's throat tightens. She understands. Or, she comes as close to understanding Claudine's perspective as possible. For the person Claudine had believed to be dead for so long to suddenly be right here in front of her, trying to touch her so casually...
It was all too easy to understand that she'd thought this was all still a dream, even after waking up here and speaking with Maya like she had.
But then Maya had left the room to go into the bathroom and the bedroom. She'd left again. Only for a few moments, but she'd left nonetheless. No doubt Claudine must have relapsed in her brief absence, once again starting to believe that all of this had just been some wicked dream.
Watching Maya leave… only to see her again so soon afterward… It was incomprehensible to Claudine right now.
Maya retracts her arms and her offer for physical contact for the moment, giving Claudine some space.
"My apologies…"
She leaves it at that, though she knows no amount of apologizing could ever hope to ease the insurmountable pain Claudine had been made to suffer through over the years.
Claudine takes a moment to catch her breath a little, never taking her eyes off of Maya for longer than it took to blink. After a moment, she swallows again and speaks a bit more firmly.
"No… I'm sorry." Slowly, timidly, she reaches her hands up toward her.
Maya longs to tell her that she has nothing to apologize for. But to avoid any more difficult conversation for the time being, she simply extends her hands and accepts Claudine's.
Something like a spark shoots through the two of them in that instant. Memories. Ones that should have been pleasant and warm.
But instead they're electric and jarring.
The times they'd held hands in dance lessons…
Helped one another up after pushing themselves too hard in practice…
Taken each other's hands to lead into a dance…
It's all quite bitter now. But even so, neither of them let go.
Maya gives a slight tug, keeping a good grip on her. When Claudine attempts to get to her feet, Maya moves in to hug her torso, steadying her before she can sway.
Claudine remains frozen for a moment, with her arms draped limply over Maya's shoulders, heart pounding. She can't stop the tears from coming all over again. How long…? How long had it been since she'd touched her…? Felt her warmth…? Breathed her scent…? And she'd been expected to go the rest of her life without it…?
A whimper escapes her, followed by a bout of hiccups. The strength all but drains from Claudine's body right then and there.
But Maya is strong enough to keep her up, holding her there in that pained, yet beautiful embrace. Maya cries more quietly, tucking her face into the jacket and letting out little sobs against Claudine's shoulder.
The feelings that rush through them both are ones that cannot easily be described. They are emotions unique to the two of them; feelings of raw grief, sorrow, and pain, which are matched equally by sincere feelings of relief, joy, and love.
For a long, long moment, the two of them stay that way, locked in a tearful embrace unlike any experienced before, or since.
But eventually, they find the means and the strength to begin limping toward the bathroom together. Maya quietly helps Claudine down to take a seat on a small stool there, then implores her to call for Maya should she need any assistance.
"Anything," Maya murmurs. "Should you need anything at all, please do not hesitate to call for me."
She starts toward the door, intent on making them something to eat. But Claudine's chest tightens again at the mere sight of Maya's back - of her leaving.
"Wait-!" She blurts out the word in a frightened tone. Maya flinches as she turns back to her, agonized to see the fear in her eyes. Claudine's voice quivers. "You… You won't go… right…? You'll be right outside…?"
She feels pathetic to even ask such a thing. But it's a genuine, deep-rooted fear of hers now. That Maya will leave her again - not because she wants to, but because she has to.
Maya's heart aches. She turns right back around and returns to her, dropping softly to her knees as she takes both of Claudine's hands in hers.
"Yes," she says in earnest. "I promise you, Claudine. I will not leave you like that again. I won't deceive you anymore. Even if the authorities themselves try to usher me away for my own good, I will find some way to contact you again. But I will never, ever leave you like that again. I swear it on my soul."
The sincerity of the meaning in her words draws more tears into her eyes, and her hands tremble around Claudine's. Claudine also sheds a few more tears. Her voice shakes.
"You'd better not…"
Maya pulls Claudine's clasped hands forward and kisses her fingers.
"I swear it. Cross my heart."
Claudine's lips tremble as more tears drip down her cheeks. But in the end, she chooses to accept Maya's vow.
Eventually, Maya is able to bring herself to her feet and take her leave, and Claudine is trusting enough to let her go. Maya takes a few tissues to blow her nose and clean off her face with before she heads into the kitchen to prepare them some food. She doesn't have much that she feels up for preparing right now, so she settles just for heating up some leftover pasta. All the while, she keeps listening for any sounds of distress from the bathroom. But all she can really hear are the warring thoughts in her mind.
It's too late to go back now, she reminds herself. What's done is done. She and I are in this together now, for better or worse…
She can't keep dwelling on it. Not now. Not when she has a very important guest to care for.
When the food is finished warming up, Maya puts out two plates at the table - something she's never needed to do before. She then hurries back to the bathroom door to wait…
Throughout her bath, Claudine continuously needs to sink down beneath the surface in order to stifle sobs beneath the water.
Three years. Three years…
To think that Maya had been alive and well all this time, while Claudine and all the rest of their friends and classmates had been grieving, hurting, and crying…
Thinking of what could have been. Dreaming of a world with Maya in it…
When in reality she had been in it all along.
Claudine hates to consider the word Maya had used earlier: deception. But it truly did feel like that. Though it really was no fault of Maya's.
She'd just been a terrified high-schooler at the time when this had all taken place. With her parents and high-ranking authorities telling her the grim premise of the situation, Maya had had no choice but to obey. She couldn't try to make contact with Claudine or anyone else. The threats being posed toward the Tendos had been real and very very serious.
Claudine understands that. She understands it all too well…
But still… It had hurt so, so terribly… Beyond explanation…
For a while, she cries in the bath, trying to see things from Maya's perspective while also not diminishing her own feelings that had been destroyed in all of this. She doesn't even realize how long she must've been in here for until she hears a soft knock on the door.
"Claudine…? Is everything all right…?"
Again, just hearing her voice sends a pang through Claudine's chest. She imagines that isn't going to be changing anytime soon. Lifting her face back out of the water, Claudine almost scoffs out loud.
'Is everything all right?' she asks… Of course it isn't...
But… all things considered, things might've been better now than they had been for the past few years.
"Yes," Claudine says quietly. "I'm just finishing up."
She braces herself to hear Maya's voice respond.
"Very well. Please take your time."
Claudine exhales, dips her head back down one last time to rinse her hair, and then begins pushing herself up.
It's surreal. The towel she uses to wrap around her body belongs to Maya. The products she'd put in her hair belonged to Maya. The clothes she pulls herself into belong to Maya.
Maya. Tendo Maya. She was really alive. She'd really been living all the way out here in hiding for years under an alias.
As Claudine tries to solidify the reality of it all and fathom the unfathomable, her heart bleeds harder for all of their old friends.
Karen… Futaba… Nana… none of them would ever be allowed to know the truth.
They'd all gone off in their college years to study abroad and travel the world, all while harboring the unimaginable pain of having lost a dear friend in the bottoms of their hearts. None of them could ever know. It was already a great risk for Claudine to have this knowledge…
As she finishes carefully pulling on the fresh pair of socks Maya had given her and being mindful of her injured foot, Claudine sends out a genuine apology to all the rest of them.
At last she emerges from the bathroom, dressed in Maya's clothes with her hair still damp. She'd known Maya would be there, but seeing her still makes Claudine's heart jump.
"Was the water to your liking?" Maya inquires, reaching out her hand. Claudine tells herself she only accepts it because of her bad foot.
"Yes. It was fine."
"I'm glad."
Together, they slowly make their way into the kitchen, where Maya helps her into her chair. They eat in silence for a few moments, until Claudine just can't take it anymore.
"Maya-"
"Please." Maya holds up a hand to stop her politely. "I will answer all of your questions if I am able to. Just give me a little more time."
Claudine sighs.
"I've waited three years… what's a bit longer?"
Maya offers a tiny, albeit guilty smile.
When they've finished eating, she takes the dishes to the sink, then helps Claudine back to the couch before taking her own turn in the bathroom. She washes herself more quickly than usual tonight, hastily drying her hair and getting dressed before making her way back out to Claudine. She'd been waiting, anxiously combing her fingers through her hair until Maya had reappeared. Claudine moves to make room for her on the couch. Maya sits down rather heavily, breathing a weighted sigh to match.
"Now then… I presume you have questions."
"I do," Claudine affirms.
"Then please, by all means…"
Claudine pauses, draws in a deep breath, and then begins.
"So this debt your family owed… it wasn't even relevant anymore…?"
Maya shakes her head.
"No… From what I understand it was all a great misunderstanding on the part of the Yakuza. My parents were never at any fault, nor was I."
"Wonderful," Claudine scoffs. "All of our lives ruined because of some idiots who didn't even know the facts." She looks away, bitterly upset. Maya offers the smallest form of comfort and offers her hand. Claudine huffs, but quietly accepts.
"So then… tell me about Tomita Maya."
Maya scoffs.
"Well… she's rather pathetic. Pursuing an education for a field she has little interest in, unable to practice what she truly loves, unable to reach out to any of the people from her old life…"
"All but one now."
Maya cracks a smile.
"Indeed… All but one." She hesitates, wondering if she has any right to ask Claudine about her life over the past three years. "I gave up on theatre long ago… But I was very glad to know that you never did. I saw your headlines, watched your viral videos, read the reviews of your performances… And although it pained me like nothing else to have to sit quietly in the shadows, some part of me was relieved that you didn't give up. Even after everything I put you through…"
Claudine is silent for a moment. It wasn't Maya's fault; she knows that. And she wants to tell her as much. But some part of her also truly does feel like she'd been wronged - intentionally or not - and she deserves to feel that pain.
"It wasn't easy," she mumbles. "I can't tell you… how many days I could barely even get out of bed… How many nights I cried so much I couldn't sleep… Just thinking about you… Wondering if you really might still be out there somewhere… then telling myself it was impossible. You had to be dead. You were. That was it… But what if…?" She upturns eyes that waver with the utmost misery to Maya. "And lo and behold… here you are… My only question is why…? Why didn't you keep running back in that alleyway…? Why did you come back…?"
Her hand begins to quiver in Maya's palm. Maya squeezes it gently.
"If… If I am being completely honest… I went back because I wanted to… After all these years of doing what everyone else told me to do, even though I knew it was horribly foolish… I went back for you because I wanted to… Because I am sick of being Tomita Maya, and living this lie…"
She should stop. She knows she should. But the truth that she'd kept bottled up for so long just keeps spilling out.
"When they gave me a choice of where we should live… I chose France because deep, deep down, some part of me wished and wanted… I wanted a miracle… I wanted to somehow cross paths with you again, Saijou Claudine. I wanted us to find each other again. Even though it would be foolish and go against everything we'd worked for in trying to keep ourselves hidden… Even though I knew it would still be almost impossible given the vastness of this country… I chose it anyway. Because I wanted to believe in that slim chance that I might find you again…"
"And when you did, you ran?" Claudine snaps.
Maya bows her head.
"Indeed, I did run… but I turned back…"
"And now here we are…" Claudine finishes with a solemn tone.
Silence ensues, and persists, but all the while their hands remain clasped together. Both girls are overcome with similar thoughts; the thought that there is still so much more to be said, and yet nothing more to say at all. They'd found one another again. Couldn't that be enough…?
But even if they both might've liked to believe such a fairytale concept, the truth of the matter was that there was still immense pain and sadness they'd each had to suffer through. There was still too much to address, but it couldn't all be said tonight. Claudine just offers the most pressing of words that have been pushing at the backs of her lips for a while now.
"I'm sorry."
At first, Maya almost thinks it was she herself who had uttered the words, because she surely wanted to say them to Claudine, over and over again. But when she realizes it was her companion who had spoken, Maya gives her a genuinely puzzled glance.
"I beg your pardon?"
Claudine's shoulders slump beneath the sweatshirt, but she manages to gather the confidence to meet Maya's eyes.
"I said I'm sorry… for… for the last thing I ever said to you being something so terrible and mean…" In only seconds, the hiccups start jolting through her chest again, and the tears begin to fall. "For all those years, I was never able to forgive myself… That… the last words you ever heard from me… were so cruel… I'm so sorry, Maya…"
"I must offer the same sentiment…" Maya murmurs, wrapping Claudine into a gentle embrace. "I apologize… that the last memory you had of me wasn't the most pleasant one… The circumstances even back then were complicated for… various reasons…"
She still remembers it clearly. How she and Claudine had ended their final conversation back at Starlight Hall. They'd been discussing college, their plans of the future… Claudine had promised to come and see Maya and the others often, but Maya had been unable to promise the same at the time. Harsh words had stemmed from feelings of hurt, but those feelings were rooted in something much deeper. Feelings they hadn't quite fully understood at the time.
The feeling of wanting to be more special to one another than anyone else. The longing to be the one the other made exceptions for. The need to see each other as often as possible…
And where had it gotten them? To a tragedy where they'd been entirely unable to interact for over three years now. To a world of loneliness, sorrow, and sadness. Things had aligned so poorly back then, like a cruel script written solely to cause them pain.
Of course, the Yakuza would have come for Maya's family no matter what. But if only it hadn't been right as Claudine had left and they'd been on a sour note. If only she hadn't realized her feelings and decided to confess to Maya the moment she got back… only to instead be met with the grim news that she had died…
There was so much - so much - yet to discuss, to confess… But now that they'd chosen this uncertain path together, perhaps they would be able to voice those thoughts and feelings in due time.
But not tonight. By this point, both Maya and Claudine are entirely exhausted; enervated in body, heart, and soul. They'd experienced just about all they could take for one day on this twisted path they were never truly meant to take.
They should have continued being separate - as Tomita Maya who never saw any of her dearest friends again, and Saijou Claudine who continued living her life believing the girl she had such immense feelings for was dead. But now that they've chosen this fork in the road off the beaten path, they had no choice but to keep following it, no matter the shadows and thorns that might line their way forward…
The girls slump against one another in the tearful embrace for a while longer, until they don't have the strength to stay awake much longer. Maya stands, carefully bringing Claudine up with her.
"Come. Let's get some rest."
Claudine hesitates.
"I'll stay here."
Maya frowns.
"Please allow me to insist."
A pause. Claudine sniffles, her shoulders trembling. She'd gotten soft. All it took was one push from Maya, and she's relenting.
"Fine."
She allows Maya to lead her to the bedroom, where Maya helps her climb onto the bed. Once Maya has finished turning off the lamps and checking the rest of the apartment one last time, she comes to join her.
Claudine's heart aches, pounds, screams. They'd done things like this a long time ago, back at Seishou. They'd shared each other's beds after a long, exhausting day of rehearsals, after winding down in the showers, or after a relentless ReLive or revue.
But it's been years since they'd laid down together and shared a bed. And neither had ever had any reason to believe that it would ever happen again.
Maya is prepared for the notion that Claudine might not touch her, that she might leave after all, or ask Maya to go. And Maya would do just that, if it meant Claudine would be able to spend the night in peace.
But before all of the scenarios have even finished running through her mind, Maya hears a choked little sob just as she feels a pair of arms locking around her stomach.
Claudine buries herself against Maya, weeping quietly into her shirt. Maya breaks soon afterward, pulling her close and letting the tears come.
As the moments pass, the embrace becomes tighter and tighter, as their wordless message becomes clear:
I won't let you go ever again.
After all they've been through…
All the years forced to be apart…
Now they refused to let go. Never again.
And that was a promise.
A/N: Clearly there are still many, many trials and tribulations that the girls must overcome... But at the very least they've had an important conversation, and an even more important night together... From here on out, it isn't going to be easy, but they're committed to do their best.
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